SimplySxy

Tag: Love & Relationships

  • Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    We are often taught that being in a long-term, committed relationship requires giving all of yourself to another person— sharing every deep secret, vulnerability, and insecurity with another in order to build trust and most importantly, intimacy. And while this type of emotional closeness cultivates security and lasting love, it also correlates with another staple of long-term romantic relationships … the decline of sexual desire.

    Ask any couple’s therapist or sex therapist what is the most common problem their clients present to them and they will almost always give you some version of “we aren’t having enough sex” or “he/she doesn’t seem to want sex anymore.” Having less sex as time passes in a relationship or the dwindling of that initial passion felt during sex is very common. This is usually attributed to “the novelty effect” wearing off or being stuck in a routine. Of course there are other reasons for a decline in sex—health issues, infidelity, and trauma to name a few—but another more pervasive and encompassing issue is the enmeshment and dependency that occurs when we share everything with our partner. Hobbies, favorite foods, books, and social activities often naturally become a “shared experience” or something that “we” do instead of something that “I” do or “he/she does.” Many times our partner is the first or only person we come to with problems about work or with our families. We start to feel that it is not only natural, but necessary to unload all of our worries and concerns onto our partner because this brings us closer, sharing every thought and emotion we may have.

    Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, speaker and author of the book “Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” theorizes that our natural human need for security and stability in relationships is at direct opposition to our equally important need for adventure, novelty, and discovery. What ends up happening in long-term couples, she says, is the tendency to get “too close” to our partner, making it impossible for that newness and excitement to exist. This makes the passion and desire that fuel satisfying and pleasurable sex difficult to (pardon the pun) come by.

    Perel emphasizes the importance of “the space between self and other” when considering how to reignite or maintain desire in a long-term relationship. In a recent article on “reigniting your love life,” she suggests viewing your partner as if “he or she is only on loan, with an option to renew.” Recognizing your partner as an autonomous, independent person with inner thoughts, past experiences, and fantasies that you are not privy to will result for most people in a new found curiosity about your partner. Being curious perpetuates interest and the realization that regardless of how long you have been together, there are still parts of this other person you have yet to discover. Recognizing your partner as separate from yourself creates distance and therefore room for desire to grow.

    Spending time apart by engaging in different extracurricular activities or taking a trip without the other is one way to create actual physical space (thus the idiom “absence makes the heart grow fonder”), but creating emotional space can be just as important. Balancing or limiting how often you go to your partner to “vent” about work or family issues by talking to friends or mentors instead or engaging in new behaviors to cope with everyday stress like exercise or journaling are helpful. Resisting the urge to pry for details about your partner’s exes, their family drama, or other past experiences and trying to be content with the fact that if something is important, your partner will share it with you is also worthwhile. Sometimes, simply taking a moment and remembering what it was like when you and your partner first met and identifying what drew you to them, emotionally and sexually, can ignite feelings of longing. Think about that first month when so much was unknown and how their smile, the way they smelled, and the thought of seeing them again caused that little flip in your stomach. Remember that feeling and those memories the next time you are with your partner and see what happens …

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  • 10 Tips to Improve Intimacy for Couples

    10 Tips to Improve Intimacy for Couples

    Life can get so busy at times that it is easy to forget to nurture your relationship.  Connecting with a partner on a daily basis can be difficult for most people, but fostering a healthy relationship is worth taking the time. A great relationship is one built on mutual respect as well as both putting the energy and time to keep the relationship passionate, fun, and intimate.  Many times it is easy to fall into a rut or a pattern and take the other person for granted, this happens in all long-term relationships, from time to time.

    10 tips for couples to improve the intimacy as well keep the relationship fresh and exciting!

    1.  Keep in contact at least once a day, by phone, text, skype, a kiss in the morning or a hug at night.  This may sound like a silly tip, but for many couples, especially those who travel or do not live together a simple hello, or I love you every day will keep that person’s mind connected with yours.  Most couples that have successful long-term marriages put the effort into staying in touch.  With the invention of the cell phone and texting, it is easy as 123 … I love u … or XOXO!

    2.  Compliment your partner more often, say something nice to them, be honest and say it from the heart.  Noticing a new pair of shoes, or haircut can be from a simple compliment to a really nice compliment that shows appreciation for the little things they may do for you.

    3.  Appreciation as stated above, is one of the best ways to let your partner know that you like something that they are doing for you.  This works well in the bedroom too.  If you like to be touched in a certain way, let your partner know that it feels nice and they are more likely to do more of it!

    4.  Touch!  People crave another person’s touch, but the secret is to touch them the way that they like to be touched.  When you know what your partner likes then you can do it more often.  It can be rubbing behind their head, or holding hands, hugging, kissing, a gentle massage.  Touch can be sensual as well, done with lips, fingers hands or using your body, but make sure to find out what they really like first.

    5.  Do something new to break up the routine each week.  It does not have to be something big, but it should be a way to increase the intimacy. Read a book together instead of watching television, try a new position in bed, run a hot bath and take it together instead of a shower.

    Read on for the next 5 tips regarding Sex!

  • 3 Secrets to Understanding Women

    3 Secrets to Understanding Women

    Women are some of the most complicated creatures on the planet. For a man, women’s level of complexity can be compared to the magical and intricate world of quantum physics: almost nothing follows contemporary logic. Unpredictable as they may be, women are some of the finest creatures, if not the finest creature God has ever made in the entire universe. They are incredibly smart, beautiful, sensitive, and creative, and as much as some men may curse women at times, men can’t live without women. So as part of the male population and admittedly once a clueless being in interacting with the other half of the population, allow me to help lift the veil in the convoluted world of women.

    1.  The Thrill of the Hunt

    Women love to hunt. Society along with all the other conformists would claim that a man should always go after a woman. At a certain stage, this idea is correct, but pop culture thinking might lead someone in the wrong direction. Usually, a man would take the woman of interest out on a fancy date, complete with flowers, gifts, and/or chocolates. Stop right there; this line of thinking will get a man in trouble. What men don’t usually know is that women love to hunt. The thrill of the chase keeps them hooked and intrigued. There’s a reason why women are cat people. Look at a lion pride. The strong, dominant male lion stays under the comfort of the shade while the female are out to hunt. The king of the jungle has never offered food as a gift to any lioness of the pride to get her attention. The same rules apply to men and women.

    Sure, a man can take a woman out on a nice date but do not think for once that the date alone will do the trick. What will do the trick is to take the date as an opportunity to stimulate the ravishing lioness inside. Do not show too much interest. Qualify her and let her know that she can be cut off if she doesn’t meet a certain criteria. Take a step back, and never give the ball to her court. Understand that she’s willing to work just like a lioness is willing to stalk and sprint under the heat of the sun for the sustenance of the dominant lion. This is counter-intuitive and may be hard to comprehend at first but with practice, one would certainly understand that women love to hunt.

    2.  Women are Social Creatures

    Women love to talk. People would have you believe that women are only attracted to good-looking and/or wealthy men. Some may even suggest that the aggressive and dominant type will always catch a woman’s eye. Although these statements are true to some extent, a woman will always have a thing for a guy who can handle a good conversation.

    Women love to talk. They are interested in all the smallest details of a subject that don’t matter to men. A guy who can stimulate the mind of a woman will always have a special place in her heart because the art of conversation seems to be lost to aggressive, good looking, or wealthy men. As much as men are attracted to and are stimulated by visual cues like a woman’s curvy shape or her pretty face, women love it when their minds are touched, stirred, and challenged.

    Currently, the problem is that men usually do not even attempt to hone the art of conversing with the opposite sex. A lot of men talk too much while some talk too little. If a man has no idea how to spark up an opener and maintain a woman’s interest, a surefire way to keep a woman intrigued is to ask questions. In any situation, one can always hold a woman’s attention by asking her questions that are relevant to her experience and interest. Don’t ask mundane and mind-numbing questions like what she does for a living or which school she graduated from. Ask her about her passions, her dreams, her accomplishments, her childhood, her friends, or her relationship with her parents, especially her dad. Chances are, only a few people have cared enough to ask these questions that would reveal a lot about who she is. If asked correctly, a woman would almost always open up to take about these things.

    Remember, women love to talk, and they love it if a man would shut up and listen to her speak about her deepest feelings and ideals. After she responds with a short narrative about her passion, ask her what she’s doing to be aligned with her passion. If she’s far from it, challenge her to go back on track. She would definitely love the challenge and will not forget the person who dared her to pursue her dreams. Ask questions, and let her do what she loves: talking.

    3.  Drama is a Necessity

    The last thing that some men need to understand is that women enjoy drama. For them, drama is a part of living, a way of life just as men look at sports or competition an integral aspect of their existence. Although it sometimes drives relationships to the point of no return, drama is a very powerful force that brings women together. A lot of women build friendships and relationships based on drama as much as men would have a set of friends to play a particular sport with.

    Unfortunately, some men don’t understand a woman’s need for drama, which seems to be the primary reason why men think women are complicated and difficult to be with. But just as boys settle their differences and express their anger in a fistfight, the same is true for women. After the fight, young boys would usually become friends again and all those emotions that started the fight are long forgotten. In comparison, after a woman gets her emotions off of her system, she’ll go back to that sweet, loving and beautiful human being that she is.

    It is important that a man understands not to take a woman’s drama or call for attention seriously. The best thing a man can do in this situation is to let her talk and listen. Allow her to express herself and let her enjoy the process of releasing her emotions. She’ll appreciate the thought which could lead to a favorable outcome later.

    Summary

    Complicated and unpredictable as they may seem at first, being with women may not be so challenging after learning these three things. Women love to hunt, so let them do the hunting. They also love to talk so ask questions, and let them do the talking. Finally, drama is part of their life so give them the space they need to express their emotions. A woman’s universe can be convoluted from a man’s point of view, but like the stars in the night sky, these tips can be used as guides to have a better perspective of a woman’s world.

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  • Inviting Failure into Your Relationship

    Inviting Failure into Your Relationship

    “Failure is an event, never a person; an attitude, not an outcome.” Zig Ziglar

    If you’re anything like me, you hate failing. Failing means you’ve made a mistake and that means feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or frustration. Failure also can mean you’ve let yourself down, or worse, someone you care about. You’ve probably heard the saying, “Failure is not an option.” But what if I told you that one of the most valuable things you can do in a healthy relationship* is to invite failure?

    Failure is an option. Where does failure come from?

    Failure can be the result of having taken a risk. You can fail when you try something new or when you reach for something beyond our grasp. You can fail when you’re living a bold life, when you embrace change. And, sometimes you fail when you hide from your truth or silence your voice or forget who you are.

    Within the context of relationships, I’m not talking about failure that comes from living life passively, or from cruelty or neglect. I’m talking about loving failure. Loving failure means you’re showing up and you’re doing your best, even when you know sometimes your best isn’t going to cut it. It’s within the embrace of loving failure where you and your partner can achieve greatness. Because failure is gritty and ugly and real. When you fail, you gain new insight or a new perspective that you never would have had otherwise, but that growth comes with a price.

    The cost is vulnerability and a willingness to be seen. It means taking responsibility when all you want to do is run and hide. But, when you create space within a relationship that allows for failure, you are giving yourself and the people you love permission to experiment and grow.

    So, the question is: Do you want a relationship that offers enough safety and support to the both of you that you’re willing to take risks and to dig deep, regardless of the outcome? If so, then you have to be brave enough to invite failure into your relationship.

    Hello, there Failure. Come on in. Make yourself at home.

    Having the courage to fail

    Too often, failure is the end of a dialog rather than the beginning of one.

    What would it look like if you made yourself vulnerable and said, “I’m going to try something. I may not do it well, but I’m going to try it anyway.” How would you feel if your partner recognized you in that moment and thanked you for being brave? What would it feel like if you said something scary, if you took a risk, and your partner responded with gratitude? Would that make you more likely to take another risk down the road? To be brave more often?

    Failing Toward Happiness Rule #1: When someone is brave and vulnerable, acknowledge and thank them, even if you don’t like the message itself.

    Sample script: “Thank you for being brave and admitting you were wrong. My feelings are hurt, and I need time to dig into that. I know that wasn’t easy to say, and I’m grateful you felt you could share that with me. Let’s talk about this some more.”

    Acknowledging when someone takes a risk or makes a mistake does not mean sweeping your feelings under the rug. Instead, allow space for both of your experiences to co-exist. This single act has the potential to transform your relationship in a radical way. When you make it a habit to recognize vulnerability and to show gratitude for risk-taking, you create a framework within which you can both try new things and ask for change without feeling like you’ll be rejected or judged.

    Failing Toward Happiness Rule #2: When you fall on your face, own it, learn from it, and move on. And, remember, it’s OK to ask for help.

    You are going to fuck up. In fact, I’m willing to bet at some point, you’re going to fuck up rather spectacularly and probably more than once. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t hide from the truth, even if you feel like you’re drowning in shame, fear, or pain. Don’t let one mistake overshadow everything else. Give yourself space to feel all of your scary feelings and then stand up, admit where you went wrong, be honest, ask for what you need, and move on.

    Sample script: “I messed up. I’m going to fumble this, so please be patient as I talk this out. I’ve been unhappy with our sex life for the past few months and I know it’s unfair, but I’ve been faking my orgasms because I was worried about hurting your feelings. I’m sorry. I’ve realized I need more foreplay to get off. I really love the way you touch me, so can we try a few new things that would be hot for both of us?”

    The worst thing you can do when you screw up is to play the finger-pointing game. Blame and guilt do not create an environment that encourages vulnerability and support. As tempting as it might be to shift the bad feelings off  you and on to someone else, stop, breathe, and take responsibility for yourself and your feelings. You’re going to make mistakes. When you do, you can either hide from the truth where it will fester and make you miserable. Or, you can do something scary and allow both of you the change to learn and grow towards something better together.

    Failing Toward Happiness Rule #3: Talk about failure before it happens and come up with a game plan for how the two of you will deal with tough situations.

    You aren’t planning for a zombie apocalypse or nuclear war. You don’t need to create a fallout shelter for your relationship and plan for every possible situation that might go wrong. But, it is a good idea to talk about how you and your partner want to handle conflicts long before anything comes up. You can also start a new practice in an existing relationship by negotiating new rules for how you handle issues and mistakes.

    Why would you want to do this? Isn’t it easier to work as a team when you have a basic outline during moments when tension (and emotions) are running high? Relationships often play out like tug-of-war, where you face off against your partner. Someone will win and someone will lose. Someone is right and someone is wrong.

    In reality, both of you lose within this framework. It’s as simple as that. When one of you fails and is suffering, the other, by definition, is rejoicing. Because there has to be a winner.

    That’s pretty fucked up, right?

    What if you looked at the game differently? What if instead of being opponents, you decided to approach problems as a team? What would it look like if when someone screwed up, you came together to find a way to lift each other up and over the obstacle?

    Because the thing is, you are going to fail. Your partner is going to fail. Somehow, someway, there is going to be failure. Either you’ll fail to clearly articulate your needs or you’ll fail to show up when your partner needed you or you’ll fail to listen at a moment when he really needed support.

    You can turn failure into something bigger and more important than the failure itself. If you two come together in those moments when tension runs high, you’ll have created something extraordinary. Instead of facing off against each other, you can join forces and say, “We got this.” Release blame. Don’t punish each other. Avoid creating an environment that’s hostile to slip ups or mistakes. Instead, have the courage to fail openly. That’s where the vulnerability is. That’s where you find truth and wisdom and growth. That’s how you create something stronger than the individuals in the relationship.

    Go forth and fail beautifully. I give you permission to mess up. I give you permission to have a bad day and to snap at your lover and to forget an important date and to ignore the rules sometimes. The question is, will you give yourself and your lover that same permission? Will you create a space where when things get tough, you work together to acknowledge each other’s needs and feelings so that you can find a way around or through the problem?

    The test of a strong relationship isn’t how well you deal with things when life is easy. The true test is when you have to face the messy reality of two imperfect human beings coming together and trying to create a life in spite of all the obstacles and the stress and the barriers. Failure can be a tremendous gift if you’re willing to shift your perspective just a little.

    Create a safe space for making mistakes.
    When things get gritty, work together instead of against each other.
    Own your feelings.  Take chances.  Get vulnerable.
    Aim for forgiveness instead of retaliation.
    And reap the rewards when you come out the other side stronger and more connected than ever.

    * Though the language in this article implies a single, monogamous relationship, this same model works for non-monogamy and polyamory.

    Dawn Serra, co-host of Sex Gets Real

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  • One Night

    One Night

    “Why are you running away?”

    He put his palm gently on the hotel door, blocking my attempt to leave. We took a long glance at each other and then we both looked away. Hesitating at the edge of the room, I babbled, “Because I don’t know how to do this.”

    He would be flying back to Taiwan in 4 hours.

    “Would you like to come by Taiwan?” he asked.

    “Maybe,” I replied uncertainly, fearful that my expectancy towards this man was ignited.

    He turned on his heels and walked towards the windows.

    The uneasy silence was deafening as I tried to decipher his mind unsuccessfully.

    Should I just exit hurriedly and persuade myself that there was nothing more to this? And then constantly grappled over the what-ifs? Looking back to that heavy wooden door framing the entrance of the room, I wanted to flee these conflicting emotions. I didn’t want to risk my heart on the gambling table. My feet, however, decided that they were stuck to the white carpeted floor.

    We corresponded and met for the first time that night.

    Initially, I was put off by his standoffish body language; there was nothing in that person in front of me that resembled the persona whom I emailed with. But to leave, when he already spotted me, was rude, I felt. Hence, I went along with him for dinner.

    Over the meal, we argued over the syntactical complexity of Singlish (or the lack of, in his case). Discussing the philosophies of Zhuangzi and Heidegger, however, brought us back onto one same page. His insightful rendition of Zhuangzi’s story about Cook Ding, framed through the Heideggerian ready-to-hand concept, sliced up the dissonance we had.

    We talked about the animes we like and those that we would recommend to each other. The dinner turned to drinks and before we knew it, we were walking down the Orchard Road and to his hotel.

    “Would you like to hold my hand?” he gleefully asked.

    I took a long look at him and blushingly crossed my right fingers with his left fingers.

    We ended up on his hotel bed, watching anime on his laptop and playing footsie. He crept his hand over to my back and traced circles on it with his forefinger.

    “You haven’t told me how old are you?”

    I refused to divulge and we played the guessing game.

    “Well, if you ain’t gonna tell me, I’m going to sleep.”

    He turned over on his belly and grabbed the pillow with one hand to lay his head.

    The footsie game went on.

    When I finally whispered the answer to his ear, he jumped on the bed and held me against the bed. He pressed his lips over mine and flicked his tongue to part my mouth.

    “You ain’t lying about your age?” he questioned again when our tongues parted.

    “Yesssss,” I hissed and grabbed his neck.

    He began peeling my clothes off and we made love that night.

    It wasn’t the first time I slept with a man I met for the very first time. But it felt different.

    We went from the bed to the wall and back to the edge of the bed. We talked about our dreams, our fears and joked about life. We teased each other for a long time before we both came. Lying comfortably against his chest, we enjoyed the naked silence.

    But when morning came and I had to leave for work, we were awkwardly stuck at the door.

    “Come here,” he said and came over to hug me. We held each other and kissed for the last time.

    “I will message you when I get back.”

    I felt unsure about this sudden optimism that had blossomed within. The instinctive need to suppress this joyous feeling was overwhelming at the same time. I have to have no expectations of him.

    At work, it was hard not think about the night; I couldn’t stop looking at my phone.

    How could I ever think that it would be any different with him?

    The self-talk wouldn’t cease.

    Later that night, as I lie on my bed, deciding that it was all over, my inbox registered a new email.

    It was Hilly.

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  • Single Ladies: Should You Put a Ring On It ?

    Single Ladies: Should You Put a Ring On It ?

    Having coached so many single women who are above the age of 30, a burning question frequently asked is: How will I know if he is the right guy to marry and if he is ready to marry me? To answer this question, I would ask them to answer the following 3 simple questions:

    1. Does he take you home to meet his family?

    While others may think that this is a trivial matter, it speaks a lot on whether your guy is ready to marry you. Your introduction to his family is a milestone in your relationship as your guy acknowledges you as a part of his family (to be). More importantly, when a man brings home the girl to meet his family, you know he is prepared to love her and settle down with her for the rest of their lives. Your guy’s family will also understand that this is the special girl whom he treasures and is taking their relationship seriously. Furthermore, this is a good opportunity to score points with his family members. You would want to focus your energy on the person who has the most say, as this could potentially help boost and smoothen your progress with him, towards marriage. What’s more, there’s definitely no harm in establishing good connections with the family too! This is also a good time for you to assess if this is the “kind” of family you want to marry yourself into.

    2. Is he comfortable about showing you to his social circle?

    In order to live with someone in the long term, your guy has to be comfortable, if not proud of showing you around. If he is not treating you like how he would treat a “trophy” girl, you are not his girl at all. You should be and feel like his most valued prized possession. Some ways to know that your guy is proud to have you as his girlfriend include the following:

    • He should be excited whenever his friends mention your name.
    • He should be proud to introduce you to his colleagues because it validates his great taste.
    • He would gladly invite you along (as a plus one) for social or friends gatherings so that you can get to know his friends and won’t feel left out in future.

    3. Has he let go of his past baggage?

    Try having a conversation on his past relationships. How does he react? Does he shun your question or get angry when you try to continue the conversation? Does he still struggle with guilt or anger from the past? It is important to note that someone who has fully let go of the past will be cool to talk about it and is able to rationalize what happened. You also see that he is willing to take part, if not full responsibility of what had happened. He acknowledges the mistakes made and strives to do better in his present relationship, with you. In the midst of sharing and opening up himself to you, you understand more about his mindset and perspectives towards relationships. Ultimately, you will be able to realise that he has grown and matured over the years and is ready to lead and guide you in your relationship with him.

    If you have the same question, tick off all these checkboxes now, and you will know if you both are ready to take things to the next level and to welcome a new beginning.

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  • Mistress

    Mistress

    So, you want to be a mistress? Or maybe you already are.

    Life as a mistress has its ups and downs like everything else in life. The ups are that if your man is wealthy, he will buy you gifts, set you up in an apartment and even buy you a car. The down side is that you never know when you will see him, and those lonely days and nights lying in your bed wondering what he is doing might drive you crazy. Then there is the wife. Has he told you he will leave her for you, or are you just a little toy he keeps on the side for eternity or until he gets bored. Does he have a string of mistresses around? How would you know?

    There are certain ground rules to become a mistress. First, you have to be willing to share him with his wife and maybe another mistress. Two, always be happy. A man who wants a mistress has issues at home. Maybe the wife is nagging at him; maybe she is not as good looking as she used to be. There are many reasons, but they all have something in common, they make him not want to be at home. When you see each other, you always have to be smiling and have a positive attitude. That might be hard if your day is going bad, but it’s what he expects from you. Three, you can never become possessive with him; never ask where he is going, or where he has been. After all, YOU are the secret. You can never call him to his house or his cell phone; he might be with his family or another woman. Even if he has a special phone just for you, you still have to be careful. The wife won’t know about it and if he by accident, forgot it in his pants and his pants are hanging in the closet, and you call. Guess what, busted! The wife will hear it if she is at home.

    I have been a mistress a couple of times. Not because I wanted to, but because the man I met didn’t tell me he was married or engaged, or had a girlfriend. He kind of “forgot” to tell me that part.

    What to do if this happens to you? Go home, sleep on it and the next day, decide if you want to get into the situation, or if you prefer a simple life, without the stress.

    “But, he loves me,” you say. Sure, he does, at least that’s what he tells you. If you think about it, he is cheating on his wife or girlfriend, what says he won’t do the same to you when you are officially together?

    If you want to know how to make him happy, ask him what he doesn’t like about his wife or girlfriend. Let’s say he hates the way she cooks, make sure you can cook at least a few good meals. If he doesn’t like the way she gives him a blow job, make sure you know exactly how he wants it.

    I have learned that most men cheat, not because they don’t love their wife, but because they want something she doesn’t have or can’t provide. Be it better and wilder sex, or just conversation, but it is always something you can put your finger on.

    If any men are reading this, be straight with your mistress. If you just want to have fun and hanky panky, tell her. Don’t leave her hanging and wondering if you will get that divorce or not.

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  • Are Men Really From Mars?

    Are Men Really From Mars?

    It has been ingrained in us since birth that men look for sex and find love and women look for love and find sex. For example, take every romantic comedy/romance novel ever written, women are often portrayed as the romantic saps whereas men are testosterone-filled and often sexually motivated. Research on attitudes toward sexuality and relationships supports this idea. For example, studies suggest that men report a stronger desire for casual sex, more permissive attitudes toward sexuality, and more sexually-oriented expectations for relationships as compared to women (Clark & Hatfield, 1989; Petersen & Hyde, 2010; Schmitt, Couden, & Baker, 2001).

    Despite these well-supported gender differences, most of the research has relied on self-reports, which measure explicit attitudes/preferences. These explicit measures are not very reliable because people can easily fake or enhance their responses to make themselves look better.One way to get around some of these concerns associated with self-reports is to assess implicit attitudes. Implicit attitudes are attitudes that exist just below awareness. They are the attitudes that people hold that they are not necessarily aware of. Thus, because these attitudes are subconscious, people are unable to fake or distort their responses.

    The most common way to capture these implicit attitudes is to use a computer test called the Implicit Association Test (IAT). In a recent study of mine conducted at the University of New Brunswick (UNB), myself and a colleague did just that. In particular, we were able to use the IAT to assess people implicit attitudes toward sex and romance (Thompson & O’Sullivan, 2012). By showing 182 UNB students, 68 men and 114 women, images of couples engaged in various sexual activities as well as images associated with romance, the IAT revealed that BOTH men and women displayed an implicit preference for romance as compared to sex. Meaning that men AND women preferred images portraying romance over those portraying sex.

    Although these results may come as quite a shock, it is not completely unheard of in academia. In fact, some studies have indicated that men may be just as romantic as women if not more. Specifically, the latest findings by psychologist Marissa Harrison (2011), from Pennsylvania State University in the US, determined that men fall in love quicker and take longer to fall out of love when compared to women. In fact, it was found that men were three times more likely to declare their love before women when involved in a heterosexual relationship.

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  • I Do, Do You?

    I Do, Do You?

    Being a gay guy with quite a fair bit of failed relationships does not mean that the notion of marriage (or civil union or whatever you call it) does not cross my mind every once in a while. Not that I would picture myself in a wedding dress, but I do think about how my wedding ceremony and dinner will be like, what kind of band I am going to hire and what sort of food I am going to serve to my guests (yes, my guestlist is almost done with a few amendments). With each failed relationship, the dream wedding seemed to be further away, but I never did give up hope as I foresee my future with a partner till the end of time (or at least till death do us part).

    Indeed, just merely two weeks ago, I was proposed to by my then-partner-now-turned-fiancé during our second anniversary celebration. Not really a tear-jerking moment or how I would have imagined it to be (there was no kneeling down or romantic scene and/or music playing at the background), but it served its purpose and I was touched, to say the least. However, many questions followed—Will there be a wedding? Should we start planning the reception now? Do we need to find a venue? Who can officiate at our wedding? Apparently according to my partner, the proposal is the ultimate peak of the relationship and we can now spend eternity together (I can almost hear the thunder in my head roaring). I pretty much guessed that there are fundamental cultural differences and misunderstandings between us (oh, did I mention that he’s Filipino and I am a true blue Singaporean).

    A few of my close friends told me that since I have “chosen” this unconventional route of being with a guy, I would have to live without a wedding and that the marriage certificate is just a “piece of paper”. I gave them quite an earful, but not to the extreme. First of all, I did not “choose” to be with a guy as no one with a sane mind would choose a lifestyle where one has to struggle against peer pressure and social norms (basically to swim against the current just to find love). Second of all, I do not care about the certificate to be very honest, as I do not need the government to recognize the love I have for my man and vice versa. So why a wedding you ask? Simply because I want to share the joy and love of the holy matrimony with close friends and families and isn’t this what most weddings (regardless conventional or not) are about?

    So like any good relationship’s advice, I “communicated” with thy fiancé and after extensive discussions with him, I can understand his reasons as to why a wedding is not in the line-up of events in our lives. He focuses on the more practical issues: saving up to get a place of our own and living happily ever after, as compared to “throwing” money into one big party with no practicality to speak of (now you know why I can marry this guy). Despite understanding his viewpoint, I feel that a wedding is still important (to me), even more so for a gay and interracial couple.

    So as you are reading this article, I may have whispered enough in his ears to convince him of a mini wedding ceremony and reception. I may be a semi-closeted gay; I do need to put my head out once in a while to breathe in some fresh air.

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  • Pain du le pain | Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

    Pain du le pain | Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

    Pain du le pain | Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

    I have been asked numerous times about my relationship with the mon ami and while most are perhaps expecting an interracial; cross-cultural case study of some sort, the truth is that ethnicity plays a tiny role when it comes to sustaining a relationship. Over the past year, the mon ami and I have sorted out our differences though open, honest communication and managing our expectations of each other. Like any other typical boy living in his own pad, the boyfriend takes messiness to a whole new level and he has so very much perfected the art of self-sufficiency that even till today—a year later—he never fails to astound me with his antics.

    I can vividly remember the day that he had invited me over to his place for a dinner with his flat mates and into his room for a cup of coffee thereafter. There was a certain sense of awkwardness, arising not from the prospect of any sexy time but rather, the state of his room. Grocery stores’ plastic bags were strewn all over and there was hardly an inch of space that could accommodate both the cup of coffee and I. He paused for a second before hurriedly picking up the debris around and shoving the unsightly bags under the bed. With a mug of coffee in his hands, he then proceeded to show me his beautifully framed family picture albeit coated in a thick layer of dust, tucked behind the curtains, and buried under a stack of papers and brochures. I remember him apologizing sheepishly about the clutter and grunting that he ought to clean it up soon.

    Fast forward twelve months later, I now know to my dismal that it would probably take an apocalyptic disaster before he will (grudgingly) clean out his room. I have since taken matters into my own hands by clearing up the area instead and marking out specific non-feeding aka ‘you may not eat here’ spots instead of picking on him incessantly about his ‘den of a bear’ living conditions.

    On any regular day, the mon ami would have at least two bottles of water and coke by his bed for hydration purposes, or so he claims. It seems that these serve a functional purpose too for I woke up from a nap one afternoon seeing him dropping grapes into a bottle of mineral water and swirling them around before proceeding to pop them into his mouth and munching them happily.

    Me: What are you doing?
    Him: Rinsing the raisins.
    Me: Huh?
    Him: Like this. -proceeds to dunk more grapes into the bottle and performs the tornado shake-
    Me: -widens eyes in shock-
    Him: Now … see. They are clean for consumption.
    Him: Shall I offer you some?
    Me: No. Thank you very much.

    Totally unhygienic and insufferable but kinda adorable at the same time and I wouldn’t want to change him in any way.

    In addition, I have also learnt first-hand that the rumor about Frenchmen being clingy, persistent, and vocal is very likely (and thankfully) an urban legend. Even though the mon ami surely does not lack in the affection department, I was slightly bewildered and worried about the lack of endearment and his penchant for ‘disappearing during working hours’. A normal day would usually go by without any form of contact until the end of the day. While I was initially wary and attributed this to a major sign of dodginess, it wasn’t before long I realized that this was how I used to be in my previous relationship for I would go on for hours at work without replying to meaningless “How are you?” and “What are you having for lunch?” messages. Moreover, he would address me by “Hey!” instead of the conventional “hun/dear” and his whimsical terms of endearments range from “my little whale”—after a heavy meal—to “my Singaporean spring roll” as he wrapped me up with white bed sheets and rolled me around gleefully.

    In his defense, he has learned to bear with my quirkiness and inadequacies too. He is now fully aware that apart from being extremely prone to spacing out, I am born with a chronic bitch face as opposed to looking pissed most of the time, that he is better off bringing an elephant to the dance floor as I am most certain to stumble and fall, and that I would very much prefer washing my grapes under the running tap instead.

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