SimplySxy

Tag: Love & Relationships

  • Love is Blind—Try “Dining in the Dark”

    Love is Blind—Try “Dining in the Dark”

    Love is blind. I am sure many would have agreed. Having coached many singles now, I realized that many are overly fixated on the superficial outward appearance and often forget what is more important—the heart, personality and character.

    [pullquote align=”right”]”This event allows me to ‎unveil my true self in the dark” – EJ, 31[/pullquote]

    This inspiration came about when I was having a team bonding dinner with my wedding planning team from Wedding Angels. In the midst of being served by a specially trained visually impaired server, he share his love story with his wife. What was preconceived as a potentially boring 2.5 hours dinner with no visual stimulation and no mobile phones, now became an inspiring and life transforming experience.

    In this modern society, we rely too much on our eyes to pre-judge whether someone is worthy of our love, time and effort. Many individuals are too bothered by the achievements and outward appearance of potential partners that they forget to go back to the basics—the heart, personality and character, which is what really matters. I would like to bring the singles back to what is most fundamental—Love is blind, and we mean it.  Nox–Dine in the Dark, a pitch-dark dining room restaurant served by the visually impaired waiters and world-class chefs, provides a great environment to run this event. For the first time ever in Singapore, 12 eligible individuals will be put together in this miracle ground for a 2.5 hours lunch. No lights, no mobile phones, no distraction. Individuals will not get to see how each other look until the meal is over for the moment of truth!

    Why can pre-judgment be dangerous?

    1.      You may miss out on a potential “Mr./Ms. Right”

    Yes I know, time is limited and it is our tendency not to waste time on someone when you do not feel a 100% YES in your heart when it comes to looks. However, I would like to plead with the singles to understand that it only takes $1000 and 1 week for someone to change on the outside. Moreover, man increase in their charm as they age. On the contrary, what is going to happen if you are 100% pleased with the outward but he/she has major flaws which needs fine tuning? Will $1000 and 1 week do the job? I rather you choose to revamp the potential partner on the former aspects rather than EXPECT a change on the latter, because some internal issues can be rather permanent and hard to change. You may not even get to see a change in this lifetime, do bear that in mind.

    2.      You are actually being very shallow

    As much as you would like others to give you a “chance”, why not follow the Golden Rule: Do unto others what you would like others to do unto you. Your acceptance for someone’s vulnerability also opens a way for him/her to accept yours. When you are not Angelina Jolie, please do not expect a Brad Pitt material guy to go after you. I have hosted so many speed dating events whereby girls are all crowding around the most handsome guy in the room. I am not sure if you would like your man to always receive this kind of attention when you are dating him, or if you think you can “keep” him with your level of charm. Life can be very challenging thereafter, have you thought objectively about it? Do you see yourself turning into a jealous freak, having to manage all these “attention” and feel insecure about it? In any case, go for someone who want you and will reciprocate the way you do. What’s most important is inside. Looks fade with time, but character doesn’t. Someone once told me that when you are married to someone, you are married to his CHARACTER, not his LOOKS. So true.

    [pullquote]”‎It’s a refreshing and must-try experience for every single” – Keith, 29[/pullquote] Co-hosting with the previous facilitator of “Dialogue in the Dark” and current server at NOX–Dine in the Dark, we are going to make “Dating in the Dark” a success. Just as “Dialogue in the Dark” provides an uninhibited environment for expression, “Dating in the Dark” aims to provide individuals with the same environment for introspection, healing, expression, and most importantly “see” from the heart.

    So what exactly happened?

    The ladies were scheduled to arrive 20 minutes before the gents. Welcoming them was a visually impaired server who later shared his inspiring life story with them. The room was pitch dark but was filled with laughter, great conversations and cool company. Everyone had fun trying to pour a glass of water in the dark. After 1.5 hours in the dark, the afternoon ended off with laughter and 5 mutual matches. The next time you are ready for unconventional, ultimate date, try “Dating in the Dark”.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • My Approach to Building an Amazing Dating Life

    My Approach to Building an Amazing Dating Life

    Hey guys. I’m Colin, and I’m here to help you guys with your dating and social lives. From here on out, I’ll have a question and answer column, where you can ask whatever you like, and I’ll attempt to give you useful solutions.

    These solutions might be in terms of what you can do next and what are the next series of steps you can take. But more importantly, it is about how you can structure your own learning and development, and what tools and techniques you can use to fly though that learning structure.

    In most cases, what we discuss will be applicable to your entire social life and often, even more than that. A lot of skills and understanding involved in improving your dating life are transferrable between many other areas in life. Conversation skills, for example, are of utmost importance when it comes to dating and are also extremely important in business and work.

    I am predominantly a helper of men but if you are a woman, please don’t let that deter you from asking questions. Also, questions from those who already are in relationships are also welcome. With that, lets get started. Today, being the first post, I’ll just give you guys a quick run-down of the approach that I espouse to having the kind of social and dating life that many men dream of.

    After that, please feel free to ask away!

    My Approach to Building an Amazing Dating Life

    There are many ways to improve your dating life. You could learn how to approach and interact with women. You could start by practising conversational skills. You could also get the ball rolling by working on your physical appearance such as joining a gym for example.

    In my experience however, the best approach to take hands down, is a holistic one; a top-down approach.

    1) The Holistic Approach

    You need to start from the top and work down. This usually means that the quest for change starts with yourself.

    When it comes to dating, attraction is really the gateway to a deeper and more fruitful relationship with a person. So really, the main aim for any man or woman, intent on creating a enviable dating life, is to start with the creation of value.

    People with value are attractive. Yes, value can be subjective, what one woman looks for in a man, may be different from what another does. But, without citing scientific research, I think we can all agree that women in general, are attracted to very similar things. Think in terms of movie stars, prominent businessmen and other high-status males.

    Its really simple. If you want to be competitive in the world of dating and given that you acknowledge that women are attracted to certain types of high-value men, than you need to create value. Think in terms of a commodity and that commodity is you. If you have a valuable product, no one can take that away from you and you will always do decently well in the realm of dating.

    2) Building your Knowledge Base

    Understanding, really is the cornerstone of being great at just about anything. If you want to have an amazing social life, full of beautiful women or good-looking men, than it is your business to understand.

    At least at a basic level, men need to understand women, and women need to understand men. Drawing parallels to the world of business and sales—you should always know who you are selling to !

    Here are some simple questions you can ask yourself:

    Do you know what women want ?
    (In a very general sense, you should have some idea)

    Do you know how to further develop yourself from whatever you are presently?
    (You need to have a basic game plan)

    Do you understand more technical things like why the girl you were talking to at the bar got pulled away all of a sudden by her friend ?
    (Understanding social dynamics is the key)

    There are countless gaps in people’s knowledge base, that once filled, makes things so much easier. So I will attempt to be as informative as possible. You should also work in your spare time at filling in those gaps (if you aren’t too updated on social related knowledge).

    3) Winning the War, NOT just the Battle

    If you are one of those guys who have decided to improve their dating lives by buying a book titled “How to Pick-Up Women”, or something similar, I totally understand where you are coming from. However, it isn’t necessarily the best way to go about things.

    And this is really in line with what I’ve been talking about with regards to the holistic approach. You see one of the problems with learning some quick “tricks” or techniques and going out to practise them, is that they often won’t work. This is becaus it often isn’t just what you say, or what you do that matters, but how you say it, how you do it, and a host of other things that women are very apt at picking up on. I’m talking about micro-expressions, subtle twitches, a mild quiver in your voice.

    Things that can be changed, but not in the most intuitive way. You see, you can try to change that anxious look that you give, or the slight quiver in your voice that gives away that you are secretly pissing yourself. But at some point, it becomes a very fruitless endeavour. The amount of improvement you get from micro-managing these things that make the difference between a second-date and an outright rejection, is often not at all commensurate to the amount of effort you put in.

    A macro approach is my opinion, is how you can get the biggest bang for your buck. Focus on developing a lifestyle, becoming a more confident person, and all those nervous ticks, all those micro-movements will correct themselves. At some point, they start to convert to micro-movements and subtle body-language that becomes a boon to your presence.

    Even if you do successfully pull off a few successful attempts at picking-up women, it frames you in a way where you are making a woman too much of a prize in the long run. It puts you in a very needy state of mind. Being a prowler, traversing the streets and shopping centres trying to pick-up woman is in general, not a good way to see yourself if you want to build confidence and pride in your own value.

    Its all about not missing the forest for the trees. That means sacrificing little wins for big victories. Build your worth and then realise it before talking about cold-approaching skills or other more micro endeavours.

    Parting Note

    So there you have it. As quick a summary as I could get about the approach you should take to really bringing your dating life to the stratosphere. I think this post may be a bit lengthy for some, but you know, like most people I have a pretty short attention span. But what I hate more than taking time to learn or understand something, is not having any way to learn, understand, and ultimately improve.

    If you have a sub-par dating life, if you’re life isn’t full of amazing women and is not satisfying you, YOU CAN IMPROVE IT. And, you can do it now. So keep heart, read and re-read this post, and start reaching out. Connect with me, ask, ask and ask some more. Fire away !

    Colin

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  • The Biggest Lesson I Learned From One Cat

    The Biggest Lesson I Learned From One Cat

    In a previous blog post, I listed the nine lessons about relationships I learned from cats.

    I missed out one!

    I would be so bold as to state that this is the biggest lesson ever!

    Read on to find out what!

    This week (Sept 24 to Oct 1), I am on my fourth of four personal retreats in Bangsar, Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. I don’t want you to miss any of the other articles I’ve written so far on this trip:

    1. How my book came to be here.
    2. How I overcame my fear of cats here.
    3. How I rediscovered my love for the rain here.
    4. Reflections on Emma Watson’s speech on the F-word here.
    5. What’s in the groceries bag of an Eco-sexual here?
    6. Find out why I cried on the bus on my way up to K.L. here.
    7. Why I am on my 4th week-long retreat here.

    The Biggest Lesson I Learned From One Cat

    2014 09 26 14.14.12 168x300 The Biggest Lesson I Learned From One CatThis is the second of two trips in which I am cat-sitting two cats in Kuala Lumpur. On my first night on my previous trip, Bangsar was already checking me out in the bedroom. Consequently, she was in heat and it was stressful being unsured of what was going on.

    On Sept 26 (two days ago), I felt I had finally arrived. Bangsar, the naughtier and younger of two cats (the other being Padstow) laid on my lap, on her own accord, and fell asleep.

    It was a tender moment which was repeated thrice more that day. It was so wonderful that I forgo my afternoon nap just so these magical moments would be prolonged. Bangsar looked totally relaxed and safe – orgasmic even – that I managed to take a few photos of her using my camera phone which I reshared on my posts.

    Ever since, Bangsar didn’t repeat it even though I helpfully pointed to her my lap. I tried picking her up and putting her directly onto my lap, but she won’t stay.

    The little one has a will of her, and force – of course, doesn’t work.

    This is the closest she came to me today (Sept 28) – not quite on my lap:

    2014 09 28 10.48.40 1024x576 The Biggest Lesson I Learned From One Cat

    So What’s The Point?

    What am I getting at? Why I am talking about Bangsar again? What exactly is my point, you might be wondering?

    This is the lesson.

    Are you ready?

    It’s a biggie.

    We often try to replicate, duplicate, or repeat experiences because they were great.

    It could have been a sweet, tender, or beautiful moment.

    Or all of three – sweet, tender and beautiful.

    Right?

    Who wouldn’t want something have a feel-good again?

    It’s only natural.

    That’s precisely my point!

    All of us do!

    However that’s just it, isn’t it?

    2014 09 26 14.26.49 168x300 The Biggest Lesson I Learned From One CatIt was a sweet, tender, or beautiful moment.

    It may never be repeated.

    Never.

    Yet we keep chasing those same moments.

    We want them to be the same.

    We get upset when they aren’t the same.

    We ask ourselves why can’t they be the same.

    And then there’s self-blame: What did I do wrong?

    We cannot accept that things may never be the same.

    We just can’t deal with thing being different.

    Like a spoil brat, we don’t want to deal with different.

    In trying to get Bangsar onto my lap again, I want more of the same.

    Was I happy with what I experienced with her? Yes.

    But my trying and failing to replicate the same experience left me frustrated, unhappy and questioning:
    • How can it happen again? (Strategic/Tactical)
    • What am I doing wrong? (Self-blame)
    • Doesn’t she like me anymore? (Poor me)

    I couldn’t reconcile with what happened and what was unfolding.

    I couldn’t accept. I couldn’t just let it be.

    Relish the magic for what it was.

    Move on.

    Are You Guilty?

    Have you said any of the below to yourself lately?

    “It didn’t used to be like this.“

    “I wish I could go back to the past when it was….“

    “We used to have sex all the time.“

    “Yeah, I guess the honeymoon period is over.“

    “How can we get back more of that same feeling when we first started dating?“

    What “used to” is exactly what it infers: In the past.

    Whether it was fleeting, or went on for a time, it is… in the past.

    The past is the past.

    You can miss it…. long for it even.

    You may even grieve over the loss.

    But move on, we must.

    Who is to say that different is bad or good – different may just be that … not the same?

    Who knows that different can’t be good or great, if we are only open?

    The fear of the new is so real, that often, we are the ones who get in our own way.

    Only when I am willing to accept whatever experiences possible (or left of the remaining cat-sitting days) with Bangsar, can I have new and perhaps even better ones.

    Only when my clients are able to acknowledge that their circumstances or relationship has shifted, and willing to work through their issues from where they are at rather than where they were can there be progress from such maturity.

    Only when you are willing to see the “loss” of the past as something you had already “gained”, and have more to “gain” if you only open up and allow, then would you have accepted.

    So this was the lesson I like to share with you: Allow. Accept. 

    Once again, I like to invite you to view my posts:

    1. How my book came to be here.
    2. How I overcame my fear of cats here.
    3. How I rediscovered my love for the rain here.
    4. Reflections on Emma Watson’s speech on the F-word here.
    5. What’s in the groceries bag of an Eco-sexual here?
    6. Find out why I cried on the bus on my way up to K.L. here.
    7. Why I am on my 4th week-long retreat here.

    This article and all associated images have been republished with permission from Dr Martha Tara Lee.
    Please visit Dr Martha Tara Lee’s website to view original post and more of Dr Martha’s work.

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  • Convicted Love

    Convicted Love

    Twice in 2012 and once in 2013 I was falsely arrested, questioned, sent court and ended up in Altcourse Prison in Liverpool. The charges were stalking and harassment. So hello, how could I be talking about convicted love?

    Now, I am given a restraining order saying that, I cannot mention the so called victim, her boyfriend or their families or else I could be arrested and sent to prison. This restraining order extends to my family, my friends and any third person acting for or against me. And yet her friend in the Daily Post North Wales got the story published in every tabloid rag in the UK. Sometimes twice or more times. And even on BBC Wales.

    This might sound bit strong and some will say far-fetched, but seeing as the victim has friends in North Wales Police Force, it was not surprising that many I have met said they were victims of North Wales Farce. Ooops. Force. Actually prison was not too bad. The judges, magistrates, police and prison officers and politicians pays for the food, water work, education and health care. In fact each service pays for itself; from tax of cause.

    However, what I really mean by not too bad is, I met several gorgeous young men, aged between 18 and 30, all who seemed found me attractive. I think they need glasses, or was it a put up. An attempt to get me in trouble or to get my hopes up just to have them dashed.

    One chap was with his mates in the showers after football practice. As I walked past, he dropped the soap. So I said “Ooops, don’t drop the soap in the showers, Matty”. At which he smiled ran out of the showers, bent over and stretched his cheeks to show his sweet ass hole. And in front of everyone he said “I’m yours. Fill me.” Basically declaring his feelings. If we hadn’t of been in prison with everyone watching, I might have.

    When I was leaving the prison at the end of my first sentence, an 18 year old cute guy said to me, “If you come back, I’ll get you in bed!” That was a definite sexual threat/promise. Another time, a lad wanted to see what films were on that night but had no TV guided. So I told him could look at mine. As he pushed my wheelchair back to the pad, that’s the name many give their cell, he said “And what else will we do to each other whilst we are there?” He was 19 and hot as hell but again I had to hold back.

    In fact, there has always been a dispute over the right age of consent. Once I was told the age of consent is 16 but then again I told that by a 16 year old. Anyways by law, anyone 18 and above is an adult. And technically, an adult should be with other adults. Not 16 and 17 year olds. Oddly by the same law, anyone in prison aged from 18 to 21 is called a young offender. Which is the term used to describe someone below 18 outside of prison. So are they adults or not?

    So how can I call it love when nothing happened? Well, for many, it was not for lack of trying. Though I could have said yes, to any and all offers. Was a quick fling worth the hassle? I was in prison only for about two months at any one time.

    And yet if I had been able to meet any or all, under different circumstances, it very well could have led to love. Yes, I am still single. And there have been the odd times, when I have given and received the odd suck. Maybe, it seems I am neither fuck-able or worth a fuck. Maybe, I can only get love if it is convicted love?

    __________________________________________________________________________________________

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  • 5 Signs She’s Just Not That Into You

    5 Signs She’s Just Not That Into You

    Growing up and into my teenage years, I had spent an unhealthy amount of time on arcade machines, reading epic fantasy novels and watching Japanese anime while most of my peers were beginning to discover that the opposite gender was perhaps not so annoying and pesky after all. In fact, I was pretty much clueless about the cues of a blooming relationship and was unknowingly labelled as a “play hard to get bitch” as I’d go out on second, third dates with a guy I had zero interest in dating mainly because I didn’t know how to reject someone and on other occasions, I had absolutely no idea that it was a date.

    When I am clear about my interest in a guy, I would be proactive and explicit about my feelings but when it comes to those who am only keen on having a platonic friendship, I would always be curt and avoid solo meet ups as much as possible (which unfortunately, some dudes still don’t get it). For the guys out there who are wondering if the girl you’re into feels the same about you, you may want to consider the below signs before professing your undying love for her.

    Last minute date flakes

    No girl is ever too busy to hang out with the subject of her affection. I have flaked and cancelled on guys due to genuine urgent work requests and then, there’s “work requests”. That said, the huge difference between a genuine flake and the ‘desperate last resort’ is that I will be sure to reschedule the date within the same week in the instance of the former while for the latter, I’ll generally put it off and cross my fingers that he’ll eventually get the hint.

    She doesn’t reply to your messages

    Apart from those who are into the devious mind wrenching “no contact” crap (in this case, she might just be VERY interested in you and you may  want to reconsider your options), chances are that she will not be uncontactable for more than 24 hours unless you’re out of her thoughts and mind. Things simply cannot be any more clear-cut than this. If she likes you, she will respond as soon as she is able.

    Declines to be sent back home

    This goes to show a lot about the level of comfort that she has with you. Usually the walk back together to her apartment is a prelude to “coming up for a cup of coffee” which is most likely to lead to a nice smooch … or something more. A woman who is not interested would rather part ways and trudge the five miles from the subway station in those loathsome stilettos than risk putting herself in a potentially awkward situation.

    Tries to hook you up with another friend

    You are elated when she’s finally keen to find out more about your interests, dating history, and family members when bam! she ends the night saying, “You really should meet my friend (inserts female name)”. This is a clear sign that you’ve been friend-zoned. She’s only having those intimate chats with you because you are potential boyfriend material … for her girlfriend.

    Mentions her ex

    It is perfectly fine if you had asked her about her past relationships or she casually mentions why things with her previous partner didn’t work out. However, if she is constantly making references or ranting about that douchebag of an ex, you should back out and throw the towel in for now as she’s definitely far from ready and might even be using you as a tool to get him back. Nobody wants to date an angsty woman, even more so for one who has yet to get over her ex.

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  • Lesson learnt from interracial same-sex relationship

    Lesson learnt from interracial same-sex relationship

    While we assume the world has become more open-minded toward interracial relationships, the racial tension in Ferguson seems to be reminding us that the issue of race is more complicated than we thought. Being in a same-sex relationship has not been easy in this hetero-dominant world, let alone complicate things further when looking at it from a racial perspective. As a gay man who is currently in a long-distance, interracial same-sex relationship, I have learned to sustain my relationship in a hard way. I’ve been glared at when I walked down Walnut Street in Center City Philadelphia with my African-American partner, and there were even incidents when a homeless lady cursed at our presence as we walked by. I have come to realize that learning how to handle disrespectful glares and curses is part of the lessons that come with an interracial same-sex relationship.

    Like most people, my interracial relationship kicks off with love at first sight when we met at a friend’s wedding. Then things developed so smoothly that I never thought about the sensitive fact of being in an interracial relationship. I only became conscious about it when my mom reacted dramatically after learning about my romance with an African-American partner. Her reaction simply reflects the prejudice and misunderstanding that has long been attached to racial issues, while representing the fundamental challenges interracial relationship often face. I began to notice the number of times when people showed signs of disagreement with regard to my interracial same-sex relationship. Their first reactions upon learning that I am dating an African-American man were shock, followed by moments of silence. Rarely have I received immediate positive responses from many of my friends.

    Soon after the honeymoon period, doubts started to creep into my head as I continued to feel judged by others. Thoughts of giving in to the social pressure was incubating and tensions between me and my boyfriend began to stem from our serious discussions about interracial relationships. While he made it clear that he would never give up what we’ve earned so easily, I showed signs of being skeptical about our “future.” As that sense of uncertainty grew stronger with my withering will to defend our relationship, I started to intentionally avoid direct contact with my boyfriend. For weeks, I denied all his attempts to get a hold on me, while struggling to determine whether an interracial relationship was right for me. I not only blamed myself for failing to uphold my personal goal of remaining racially neutral, but also had difficulty justifying the way I handled this extra-delicate situation.

    After being haunted by the confusion and growing sense of guilt toward my interracial relationship, I reached out to my boyfriend, hoping to work things out. To my surprise, he didn’t hesitate to welcome me back to his life with a big hug. While giving me time to explain what was previously going through my mind, he never failed to remind me of the amount of love, dedication and time that he is willing to devote to our interracial relationship. I finally understand that like other forms of relationships, interracial relationship is built upon mutual trust, love, and dedication. It only becomes more complicated when people choose to judge it from the racial perspective, which often times, can push things to the extreme. As one of the agents of this growing trend, I should never let racial issues get in the way of the pure creation of love and dedication between me and my boyfriend. It is only when I can comfortably recognize the fact that I am in a interracial relationship, should I regard myself as racially neutral. The element of race is a mere superficial difference in an interracial relationship and at the end of the day, the core of interracial relationship still belongs to the degree of mutual commitment from both parties.

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  • Should I tell my date that I am Transgender?

    Should I tell my date that I am Transgender?

    When I first came out as transgender, it seemed really important to announce to everybody that I was male, not female. This was before I started my medical transition, so I was still being regarded as female even when I dressed in traditionally masculine clothing and sat the way most guys I knew sat rather than the way most women did. So there was no question in my mind that I was going to assert myself, because being invisible to the world just hurt too much.

    Now, though, most of the time I am automatically read as male. It still surprises me sometimes when people call me “Sir” because even after two years later, I am still not used to being seen as the gender I’ve identified with all my life. Since I’m living in a new city and starting to meet people, this brings up a lot of questions:

    Do they know I’m transgender?
    Do I tell them?
    Is it okay if I don’t tell them?

    This is something I see discussed a lot on transgender support forums online, often in the context of dating. More often than not, transgender men and women question if or when to tell someone they are dating that they are transgender. Similarly in the asexual community, people wonder if they really need to tell everyone they date—even the ones they never plan to see again—that they’re asexual. With online dating becoming more common, people also wonder whether they should mention their gender identity or sexual orientation in their online profiles.

    Before I had the luxury of being able to choose—that is, before people began seeing me the way I saw myself—I always assumed that I would tell anybody and everybody that I was transgender. I figured that I wouldn’t want to date someone who didn’t feel comfortable with people like me, so if I were rejected for it, it would be no big deal. I also mainly met people through online dating sites, thus I figured I could tell people from the safety of my own home and not have to worry about potential violence.

    It turns out that it’s not so easy in the real world. First of all, I find that my concerns about coming out aren’t limited to potential dating partners. Anybody I meet could potentially become a friend, close friend or more than friend, so I constantly have to decide when to disclose that I’m transgender. I do state on my social media profiles that I’m transgender, but not everyone reads that closely or notices it, so that’s not enough to ensure that people know.

    A couple of months ago, a new contact on Facebook started flirting with me and telling me he wanted to date me. I’m not one for jumping into the dating scene quickly, especially with people I don’t know in my day-to-day life, so I tried to let this person down gently by telling him that I’m asexual and don’t generally experience sexual attraction. A few days later, I got an email from him telling me I was a liar because I hadn’t told him I was transgender and accusing me of making up being asexual to avoid telling him the truth. I was honestly confused about this because it says on my Facebook profile that I’m transgender and includes a link to my Twitter handle, which identifies me as transgender. However, after I blocked this guy from contacting me again, I did some thinking.

    I think one of the reasons that there’s so much pressure and confusion about the issue of telling people about being transgender is that there’s this idea that if you don’t tell right away, you’re “lying.” You’re making people think you’re something you’re not. Specifically, you’re making people think you have sexual organs that you may not have.

    But here’s the thing. It’s not lying to say you’re male when you’re male or female when you’re female. It’s not lying to carry yourself in the world as the person you really are. Trans people aren’t trying to trick or deceive anyone; we’re not trying to make people who don’t want to have sex with someone whose sex organs match ours. We’re just trying to live in the world.

    I personally am proud of being transgender, and I don’t feel like I’m in any special danger of physical attack because of it. Some people don’t have that luxury, and so they have to be more careful who they tell. But for me, I decided that I don’t want to make such a big deal about this whole issue of telling. I feel like being transgender is just one part of who I am, and I want to treat it like any other fact about myself. As I get to know people, things about me come up naturally in conversation, and one of them is that I am transgender. I don’t want to force it or spend a lot of time thinking about how to tell. After all, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how to tell people any other fact about me or my life.

    So would I tell someone before I kiss them? Yes, if it hadn’t come up before. But chances are that it would have, since I personally only feel interested in being intimate with people whom I’ve created a strong emotional bond with.

    Relaxing about the whole disclosure thing is making it a lot easier for me to move through the world. Trying to figure out who knew and who didn’t and what to say was getting in the way of me socializing at all. For me, transitioning has been all about freeing myself from a self-imposed prison, so pressuring myself about whether or not to come out just puts me right back where I started. I’d rather be free to be myself and let my coming out, or not, happen naturally.

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  • How to survive long-distance relationships

    How to survive long-distance relationships

    Some relationships lead up to engagements and marriages and others in my instance, to a long-distance commitment. While I was and still am enjoying the moment; aka not in a hurry to walk down the aisle, I was certainly not expecting for the petit copain and I to be spending the next couple of months 2,500 km apart. By his standards, we were already kinda leading a long-distance relationship to begin with as most of his counterparts are living with their partners while we continue to meet up twice, or even once a week. As for me, I had barely settled down comfortably in the routine (or lack thereof) of our relationship, only to have to go through yet another wave of changes. Then came the move … the first few days were absolutely insane and I was incredibly annoyed when he failed to turn up for our first Skype date, before learning that his new mobile plan had yet to be activated and that he was caught up in an extended dinner with his new boss. Over the subsequent weeks, we began to establish certain routines in hope that these will keep things running till we eventually close the distance.

    The talk

    Prior to the shift, it is very important to figure out the dynamics of the ongoing relationship and to make plans for the long-term future. For us, this was a looming possibility that we had discussed casually many months earlier but somehow, it did not to be much of a reality back then. When it finally did sink in, the rationale and practical me immediately proposed that we remain as amiable friends while he took a long while to ponder before telling me as a matter-of-fact that he was very clear about what he wanted with us and merely referred to this as a “very small issue”, asserting and reassuring me that we will make things happen. On top of this, we also made a mutual pact to inform each other upfront should either of us decide on pulling out of this commitment or if we meet someone new.

    Texting …

    When frequent weekly meet-ups are no longer possible, WhatsApp became one of our main means of communication as Skype dates proved to be difficult due to the long working hours that we both have. While this was perfectly fine over at my end, it posed to be a lil tough for the copain for he was never much of a texting and phone call man, preferring long conversations over coffee to the wonders of technology. That said, these days, am receiving messages comprising more than 30 words in a single sentence and most of our rare Skype conversations have lasted more than an hour.

    and “pictorial sexting”

    There is only so much conversation that two people can have and while we always endeavor to keep it PG friendly (the firewalls have eyes),  it can be rather interesting at times to let some very suggestive pictures do the talking instead.

    Getaways

    Instead of counting down to the day that we will finally close the distance, one effective means of making the many kilometers apart more bearable is to plan multiple miniature getaways and to always part ways with the next vacation set in stone; albeit don’t just talk about it but at least have the dates fixed and air tickets booked so that there is something real to look forward to. As the gluttony duo, most weekends were splurged on massive brunches and now that we are miles apart, this gives us the opportunity to save up those “nom-monies” for more epic trips around the world together. We are now more financially able to travel further and opt for better accommodations as opposed to our last vacation in a random-moth-and-cockroaches-infested bathroom.

    End game

    Back to the first point, one of the reasons that I only agreed to this current arrangement is that apart from my huge affection for this man from the land of many wonderful cheeses, we embarked on this long-distance relationship with a specific end game and timeline in mind. Indeed, absence makes the heart grow fonder but I truly believe that prolonged absence also renders frustration, disappointment and the eventual indifference. No matter how much we adore each other, a long-distance relationship can only last when there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thankfully, we are working towards closing the distance within the next half-a-year and while this may seem like a very short period apart as compared to many other couples out there (you have my utmost respect!), this episode has definitely made me much more appreciative of the petit copain and his immense patience in putting up with my daily dose of nincompoop-ness.

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  • Five Ways to Take Your Sex Life to the Next Level

    Five Ways to Take Your Sex Life to the Next Level

    Does your sex life fulfill ALL of your fantasies? Are you enjoying the best sex of your life? Or is there something more you dream of and wish for?

    No matter how awesome the sex you are currently having, there is the possibility for more. But more what?

    As a sexologist and sex educator, a lot of people want me to help them improve their sex lives. Many of those people imagine that I will tell them about a new pill, potion or position. It seems everyone wants a quick fix – something which will magically transform boredom and routine into a thrilling joy ride of coital bliss. And sometimes those pills, potions and positions can accomplish just that – for the short term.

    But eventually, even new thrills can become empty and boring. And predictably, the search usually resumes for something new and exciting to fulfill our fantasies of what sex should be like.

    Does this mean we are doomed to a life of uninspired sexual routine or, conversely, the endless pursuit of one momentary sexual high after another?

    No. It all depends upon the erotic path you choose.

    If you are willing to invest as much time and effort in your sex life as you do in your favorite sport or hobby, sex can be catapulted into a high art form which has the potential to exceed your wildest dreams.

    But be forewarned that the price of admission into this rarefied sexual reality can be more than some are willing to pay.

    Do I have your attention? Then by all means, read on . . .

    Sex, like much of the rest of life, is shaped by our intentions as well as our technique. If your approach toward sex is oriented to simply having fun, then your sexual experiences will tend to be more superficial than heart centered.

    But if you combine your sexuality with your spirituality, you can open erotic doors which transcend the mundane and literally launch you into a world defined by other dimensions.

    Although an erotic journey of this nature can involve a variety of teachings and practices, I have outlined five of the most basic elements designed to take your sex to the next level:

    1. Perfect Your Touch

    You can touch something or you can touch your own desire. When you allow your hands and your finger tips to find their pleasure, your touch will naturally create pleasure in the person you are touching. Shift your focus from how you are touching and how you imagine your lover feels and allow the pure joy of touching to excite your senses.

    The energy in your body radiates past the confines of your skin. Learn to sense this energy by holding the palms of your hands about a half inch to an inch apart and gently push at the space in between your hands. Notice how it feels when your hands come close to each other and how it feels as they move away. Can you feel the energy generated by the palms of your hands? This is what you want to touch your lover with. You want to learn to direct that energy so that your touch extends past your fingertips.

    2. Master Your Breath

    Everyone breathes deeper and more frequently when they are sexually aroused. But unfortunately, many of us have learned to hold our breath when we orgasm. For some, holding the breath seemed like a wise way to avoid making noise and getting “caught” masturbating or having sex when we were younger. It can take some practice to unlearn this habit. But it is important that you allow yourself to breathe while you orgasm if you want to take your sexual pleasure to the next level. If you learn to breathe during your arousal and through your orgasms, you may be surprised how receptive your body is to continued arousal and multiple orgasms.

    Conscious breathing exercises including some yoga practices and meditation techniques are an excellent way to master the art of breathing yourself to an ecstatic state of being. When you know how to raise your sexual excitement with your breath, your ability to experience pleasure is enlarged. Plus another benefit is an increased ability to connect with another person intimately. The breath unleashes emotions and when we breathe deeply, we feel our emotions more intensely. Allowing these emotions to surface during sex creates a more intense sexual and emotional sharing.

  • Put her in the mood for Sex

    Put her in the mood for Sex

    Have there been instances when the sex was not as as wild because she wasn’t up for it?  Try these few tips the next time round to get her in the mood and have great sex every time.

    1.  Kiss her

    Kissing is a fantastic form of foreplay and can be wildly exciting in itself.  Start by kissing her slow and gently, focusing your lips on kissing her cheeks, moving on to her chin and her neck.  Then, draw her lower lip into your mouth and run the tip of your tongue across her teeth.

    2.  Create anticipation

    Talk sexy by complimenting her during foreplay.  Blindfolding her creates anticipation and whispering in her ear allows her imagination to run wild on what you might do.

    3.  Enhance the mood

    turn the bedroom into a hot sexy haven with candles, fragrance and music.  Find music that lulls the both of you into a deeper zone of letting go, one that helps you synchronize yourselves into a mutual sense of rhythm and pacing.  The right music really can stimulate the senses.  Keep all the essential items you need nearby such as condoms and message oils.

    4.  Touch her in all the right places

    When she starts to feel aroused, nibble her earlobe while breathing gently into her ear.  Caress her breasts and spend time kissing and stroking her inner thighs without coming into contact with her clitoris at all.

    5.  Shower together

    Make out in the shower and be her bathroom slave.  Undress her, soap her entire body and give her a head massage while shampooing her hair.  Use the shower head to wash her pubic hair, and tease her vagina as you go along.

    6.  Using mirrors

    Watching yourselves infront of the mirror can be doubly exciting.  Stand behind her and fondle her breasts while kissing her neck at the same time, she will have full view of what you are doing to her body.  Move your hands slowly down to her vagina and tease her with your fingers, making eye contact with her through the mirror.

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