Tag: Love & Relationships

Getaway Sex

It’s 1 a.m. I lay beside a sleeping man, my boyfriend. He’s sprawled out on his back, deep in slumber.

I’m horny.

Now maybe normally, if we were at home, I’d just make myself go to sleep. We’d both have long days to face ahead of us—him, with his work running a hostel and me with mine of teaching English to elementary kids. We’d need our energy, which means we’d need our sleep.

But this isn’t normally. We’re on day two of a four-day holiday, and that means we can use our energy and how we choose to. Either tomorrow … or tonight.

So I start to give him head.

I remember years ago, a boyfriend I had asked me why I never woke him up for sex. The thought had genuinely never occurred to me before, and while I could see where he was coming from, I didn’t see its appeal.

“I wouldn’t want him waking me up for sex,” I thought. So I just did what I do in those situations and agreed with him while simultaneously shoving that in the “things I’ll never do” mental file.

But tonight, some nine years later, I pick up that thought and move it to my “good ideas” file. Yes, this is excellent. And I can tell by the way he’s moving under me that he agrees.

I haven’t had a lot of serious boyfriends in my life and over the years, I’ve become really stingy with how I spend my time. I often make it a priority to share any special moments (like holidays, birthdays, or trips), with friends and not guys I’m seeing so that later, those memories are about times I spent with friends—not about how Johnny X came/didn’t come through.

So this is the first time in years and years that I’m spending a getaway with a boyfriend. I was apprehensive at first—I know travelling with a significant other can sometimes result in Richter-scale level fights, and I just assumed those fights would find me and him.

But this trip has been nothing like that. Instead, getting away and getting out of the context of our normal lives has shown me how well we reinforce each other. He’s been like my backbone and mind reader this trip. We travelled to Samcheok, a beach in Korea 3 hours east of Seoul, with 2 other couples, and he and I have never been more in tune. When someone suggests something we’re not into, we only need to look at each other—and then he speaks up.

These are my friends, so he’s agreed to take the loss and be the disagreeable one so I can keep the group harmony (and I didn’t even have to ask).

And we spend the entire day with him whispering in my ear “I want to fuck you right now,” which means that the sex on our trip has been some of the best sex we’ve had since we first got together.

Going on a mini-vacation together showed me that I picked a partner who is well-suited to me and we flow well as a couple. It not only spiced up our sex, but also reinforced our mental and emotional connection. For couples who are considering traveling together or experiencing a little bit of a lag, I definitely recommend a mini-vacation as a way to spice things up/see your relationship more clearly.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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June 7, 2014
What is ‘Love’ ?

Love. Doesn’t it seem that ‘love’ can have a life of its own? Love seems to change, grow, shrink, dissolve, or even fade away at times. Sometimes it seems to just simply vanish or disappear? Why it that? And why does ‘love’ seem to be so elusive for so many people?

Yes, sadly it is the case that when you first meet that other person who will be (or is supposed to be) the other 50% of your relationship, they usually put up what I call ‘the representative self’. By this, I mean you see the better side of that person … usually. After a while when you get to know them a little better, that mask can come off. Some people of course, have the ‘what you see is what you get’ and if you don’t like it, you can leave any time you like. At least they’re honest right? No false pretenses, no bling bling, no image to maintain, and no representative self.

Ok. Now back to “love”. How many times have we heard, “Yes, but I love him/her!” Or how about, “I am so in love”? On the flip side there’s “I don’t love him/her anymore. I want out of this relationship.”

Whenever I hear anybody talk about ‘love’ in relationships such as marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend etc, I wonder what that person’s actual definition of ‘love’ is? Have you ever wondered that? Have you ever asked yourself that question and given yourself an honest answer? Sometimes, getting the answer involves peeling off some layers of what you are and knowing your likes and dislikes. It also involves knowing your own shortcomings and being honest enough with yourself to acknowledge them. Before any change or changes can be made, one first needs to acknowledge those areas where one can improve upon. Of course, there are those individuals who believe they are perfect and need to change nothing about themselves. My advice is to not get too close to such individuals because nothing is ever their fault.

Take a moment and think about the following. If you were mugged on the streets, would you ‘fall in love’ with that thief? Of course not. Why? Because that person did something that was not pleasant to you. Remember, we like/love those things that please us. In other words, we like/love what fills our wants and needs.

Now this is where it can get a little tricky but it can be much much easier if you go into a relationship knowing your ‘self’, your likes and dislikes, and what your wants and needs are. This can also be applied to all other circumstances in life. It can help you to avoid toxic relationships or to make better career choices, hobbies, special interests, and to create a productive circle of friends.

So once you have established just what you like and dislike for the individual ‘you’, you can begin to lay the foundation of your definition of ‘love’. Hopefully it is not superficial in that you are only focused on what that other person can do for you. A relationship will fail at some point in time if it is all take and no give. And hopefully it is not based upon materialism or helping to prop up an image for yourself. A healthy relationship is made of gives and takes while growing and maturing at the same time.

A very important aspect of a healthy, loving relationship is when one feels great pleasure in doing something for the other. If one simply takes, takes, takes, and offers nothing or next to nothing in return … then I would have to say that that is not ‘love’. That is simply a ‘what can I get out of it?’ and it is built on very shaky ground. Some may even call it usury.

So, is there a universal definition of “love” that can be used as a foundation in relationships? I believe there is. I know my definition and I’d like to hear yours or any comments from you, the readers.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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June 5, 2014
Quick Fix for Sexless Relationships?
If you’ve experienced how verbose I am about any sexual or relationship topic, you won’t be surprised to hear me respond NO to the above query. However, there are two basic questions you can ask yourself to start digging at the foundation of a lacklustre sex life:
1. What does having sex mean to you?
2. What does not having sex mean to you?
When I write “mean,” I’m referring to the compelling emotions surrounding these questions. For example, one woman I presented the first question to exploded, “What does it mean? It means I’m just taking care of my husband like I have to take care of the house, the kids, and my clients at work.” Yikes. Lots of underlying resentments. Generally resentments represent needs that aren’t being met. In this case, she was not feeling nurtured and cared for, and feeling overwhelmed with emotionally managing so many others.

In another case, I asked a male client in a “sexless” marriage what not having sex meant to him. He sadly replied that he was unable to have a level of closeness and intimacy he craved, intimacy that made him feel good about himself and connected to his wife. Having sex with his wife validated his self worth as a man and a loving husband.

When sex is “missing” in a relationship, just trying to spice up the excitement level rarely addresses the depth of the hurt, resentments, and walls that have built up. Gently pulling back the layers of hurt and disconnect and replacing them with appreciation and vulnerability (with a kick of creativity) is the best “quick fix” I can recommend.

This article has been republished with permission from our contributing author, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus. Please visit Dr. Jenn’s website to view original post and more of Dr. Jenn’s works.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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May 30, 2014
Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

If you are a curious beginner looking to explore the multiple facets of kink with your partner, whether that means buying your first set of handcuffs or acting out an intense fantasy, there are three guidelines to start you off…to get you off.

Communication with your partner is crucial to having a good kinky time. If this is your first time expanding your sexuality and testing your comfort zone then there is a lot to talk about with your partner. It can be a little awkward at first to address these sometimes new and edgy topics, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel a little uncomfortable. Start out slow when addressing kink with your partner; maybe mention you read an article or an erotic story online about some light bondage and a blindfold and were wondering if your partner would be open to tying you up (or vice versa) with a tie or fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolding you with a scarf. Sometimes it is easier to begin with small changes to your sexual routine to get more comfortable, before experimenting with more intense changes, like replacing that scarf or fuzzy handcuffs with rope or leather bonds.

It also can be helpful to give each other a verbal outline of what will happen (at least the first few times) so there are no surprises that your partner may not be expecting or enjoy. For example, if you are tying your partner up and then blindfolding them, explain to them how and what you will tie them up with, and explain that you can stop at any time if you or your partner becomes uncomfortable. Talking it out is a great way to reduce any stress or nervousness you or your partner may experience during this new adventure you are embarking on together.

Consent is also a critical piece of kinky exploration that ties (pun intended) in well with communicating with your partner. Consent is so important for you and your partner’s sexual experience. After talking to your partner about wanting to trying that light bondage, or wanting to be blindfolded for a little sensory deprivation if your partner does not want to try those things you need to respect that. Consensual sex is the best kind of sex, and if your partner feels obligated or bullied into trying these kinds of things, it likely will not be enjoyable for either one of you and will not make for promising sexual exploration in the future. If at first your partner does not seem too keen on the idea of incorporating these new kinky ideas into your sexual repertoire, that’s okay. You might try showing your partner that article or erotic story you read that gave you the idea in the first place, or looking into some literature for kinky beginners.

If after reading up on kink through articles, books, or erotica and your partner is still hesitant, you should respect that and just give it some time. Let the conversation rest for a while, maybe your partner is stressed at work currently or is having difficulty within their family. Showing you respect their decision and/or can wait for other areas of their life to settle down will show your partner you respect them and honour their consent, and may keep your partner’s mind open to consenting to some kinky fun in the future.

Lastly, after you have discussed what you are going to try with your partner, how you are going to try it, and have received verbal and (maybe a little nervous) enthusiastic consent, you need to keep safety and sanitation in mind as well. This basically means using safe products for you and your partner, and to have a basic understanding of the kinky toys you might try using before actually using them on your partner. For example, if you are going to use handcuffs, make sure you know how to easily get in and out of them. Or, if you are going to use any sex toys like vibrators or dildos, make sure you know what they are made out of and know if those materials are healthy for you and your partner (be aware of latex and other kinds of allergies). After you are done using toys, make sure to wash and store them properly too for next time.

A final word on safety; depending on what you are choosing to explore sexually with your partner, having a safe word may be beneficial. Having a safe word, like “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down, or something silly like “watermelon”, can give you and your partner confidence and security in your kinky exploration. If what you are experimenting with gets too intense for one of you, you can stop whenever you want by using your word.

Keeping these three simple rules in mind: open communication, consent and safety for you and your partner while you begin to experiment and broaden your sexy horizons, will hopefully lead you both to a healthy, confident, (kinkily) blossoming sexuality.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock

April 18, 2014
Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

Ready for a new emotion? Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”. It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

So why am I jealous? As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving. But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn. I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does. After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode. Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks. That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack. Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go. I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break. But how could I break free of the green stain?

With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm. I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change. At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy. Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

“Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else? Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love. Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge. I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs. Philia is the bond of friendship.  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship. (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

Storge is the familial love of parent to child. Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined. It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship. We can replace jealousy with joy.

You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion. Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college. There is pride of being a part of making that success happen. And I like being a part of someone’s success.

Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution. By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts. If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

Now have I done it? Not every time, but I’m working on it. It’s not like one day you wake up compersed. It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice. And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it. I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there. No need to replay the old tapes. My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger. I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well. It’s that simple and that difficult. But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

April 16, 2014
5 Secrets for Reviving Your Sex Life

In today’s society, everywhere we turn we see products and advertisements that promise new ways to have hot, passionate sex. With all these tricks to try we are often left wondering, what happens if the sex is nonexistent? In my line of work, I often am faced with couples that are at a sort of sexual standstill, and this is (to say the least) frustrating for all parties involved. What happens when that passion begins to fizzle and you find yourself in the midst of a dry spell? And even more importantly, what can you do to reignite the flame? Read on to learn the keys to return the heat between the sheets:

1. Open the lines of communication.

Chances are, if you’re unhappy with the quality or quantity of sex that you’re having, your partner could be too. There is a common misconception that less talk means more action, when in all actuality, this is not true. Your partner is not a mind reader!! Find a time (NOT while things are hot and heavy) to bring up your concerns and make your requests, but do so in a way that makes your partner feel wanted, not blamed.

2. Make the time to connect.

I know, this sounds so simple. The truth of the matter is that the majority of men and women become sexually aroused in very different ways. Women, for instance, will often present with complaints of a lack of romance, intimacy or feeling like they are not connecting with their partner. This comes from an intrinsic need for emotional closeness in order to be aroused sexually. Men, on the other hand, often seek physical intimacy (i.e. sexual intercourse) to feel connected emotionally. You can see how things might get a little complicated. Take time to turn the focus toward reconnecting with one another in an intimate way. In the sex therapy world, we often talk about sexual intimacy as a broader category of acts that may not include intercourse. For instance, sensual massage, showering together and other erotic activities can bring partners closer together, before they take to the sheets.

3. Prioritize your relationship.

Think about all of the things in your life that you need to actively maintain. When the fridge is empty- you get groceries. You fill your car up with gas and get the oil changed so that it continues to run. In the same way, you need to make time to focus on keeping your relationship fulfilling. Whether this is a weekly date night or daily rituals that help you and your partner connect, make each other a priority and stick to it!

4. Think outside the box!

If monotony is the cause of your sexual stagnation, maybe now is a good time to approach your partner about adding some spice to your erotic life. While being respectful of boundaries, making sex fun and playful again can often lead to increased frequency and pleasure. Adding toys and other sexual enhancement products, new positions, or role play fantasies to your sexual repertoire can be a fresh way to experience one another.

5. Make love all day.

I know, you’re thinking, “who has time for that?!” But when I say make love, I’m not talking specifically about intercourse. So often, we get tied up in the idea that sex needs to be spontaneous for it to be hot, but that is not always the case. Think about it: if you receive a suggestive text message or email at the beginning of your work day and continue to flirt with and tease your partner, by the time you get home the anticipation and the sexual tension will be rampant. You’re actively sending signals to your partner that they are desired by you, and vice versa. Try it! If you and your partner have planned dates for intimacy (or if you’d like to try), plant the seed early on in the day and keep it going! And above all, have fun, be honest and be open with your partner!

Images from Shutterstock

April 12, 2014
Dating & social media, do they fit?

By now, almost everyone has Facebook, Twitter, Keek, Instagram, Vine, etc. So, with all these social media outlets, how does it fair in love? I personally feel like social media has taken over our lives. When you are friends with the guy or girl you are seeing, you scour their Facebook activity to see who is commenting the most on their statuses, and if they are of the opposite sex. It’s something many do, but beware, because this may cause an issue with your new mate.

I have stayed away from being friends with my partner on Facebook. I know most would say by my doing this, I will automatically cause a trust issue for my mate, but I don’t feel that it should cause a trust issue. I am trying to prevent the jealousy issue people have when they see men comment or like my status, and I have no problem showing my partner my Facebook page when we are together.

I’ve seen so many relationships end because of a comment someone made on a Facebook status. No one can control what other people put on their Facebook or Twitter so there is no reason to get upset over every little comment! Now, if your mate responds in a flirty fashion, then you can tell your partner you’re not okay with what they put as a response.

I think social media has made things harder for people to date, and married couples are now making a Facebook page with both of their names, which to me is a waste of time. Why create a new page? That is just time consuming and everyone on your Facebook should know you are married already. And if they don’t, then those people aren’t privy to your life and shouldn’t have access to it anyway.

I’ve known couples where one has Facebook and the other does not. I think this is the best way to go. Men will always be flirty with women regardless if they know they are with someone or not. I am not sure why this is so, but for me, I have always just said thank you or whatever generic response is needed for that situation. I know that not all people will do what I do with regards to Facebook, but the important part is that both parties agree to how social media sites are used. Which brings me to subliminal messages on social media.

There are also people who fall victim to social media. I have been a victim of social media and I know a lot of other people who have been victims from it as well. Everyone knows about the Facebook subliminal messaging; people use these after a break up or if they are angry at someone. When this occurs, your entire friends list and anyone who has ever liked the status will now know you have issues in your relationship. I plead everyone to stop doing this! It’s unnecessary and annoying. I don’t want to know that your boyfriend didn’t take out the trash and that you are pissed, and I don’t think anyone else cares that he or she forgot the Sweetest Day (which I did this year, sue me it’s not on my calendar)!

Social media will always be here. There is no turning back, but please use it carefully, and remember not to use it when you have been drinking. Even if you delete a status the day after, you have put it up for the world to see and everyone has already seen it by the time you delete it. So please put the phone down while you are drinking or angry. I have told everyone I know that when you are mad, write down what you want to say then wait an hour and go back and look at it. After you go back and look at it, you will see that while being angry, you are most likely saying the same thing over and over again but in a different ways.

Since social media will be here for years to come and we have learned new things about people we never wanted to know, remember this — it is hard to remove a comment or status even after it has been removed. Everyone’s cell phone and computer signals update at different times, and you may not see that status any longer because you are the one who deleted it, but trust me my friend, many others have seen this update, even when you no longer can.

I hope this has been helpful, and happy Facebooking!

Christy is a dating & relationship coach and you can view her sexpert profile here. Photo credit: Shutterstock.

March 31, 2014
Being a Tease sometimes gets you nowhere

Last Saturday, when I was walking down the stairs in my building, I met one of my neighbours. She is a lovely girl in her mid twenties. She has lived in the building for a few years and we sometimes have a coffee together or share a bottle of wine. I could see that she had been crying and I asked her what had happened. She told me the guy she was dating had just dumped her. When I asked her why, she said he had told her he could not take any more of her games. I knew immediately what had happened. Let’s call her Maria. Maria likes to tease. With teasing, I mean in a sexual way. She once told me she loved making a guy hot and wanting her, and then leave him hanging. I guess this guy got tired of it and left her. After some small talk I continued on.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I did the same as Maria. I would meet guys and then turned them on just to leave them with their dicks hard and no fun. I guess I did it to feel I had power over them and that they wanted me. Some would beg me to let them get their way and release the pressure building in their balls. At the time I was no virgin, far from it. Maybe it was just my own insecurity as a young woman that brought on this behaviour. Many of my friends would do the same thing and we would laugh and make fun of the poor guys.

Then I met a man, we can call him John. John was in his late thirties and gorgeous. He had a beautiful apartment, a nice car and was a good dresser. We would go out and dance, and eat together. I really liked him, but I could not let go of my wicked ways. When we would snuggle up on the sofa and he would kiss me I would play along and go as far as touching him over his pants. I would let him touch my tits and run a hand up my thighs, but never touch any important parts. This went on for weeks. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have sex with him. I just thought that I had more control over him by doing what I did.

After a couple of months into the relationship he invited me for a late lunch at his apartment. When I arrived, he had roses waiting for me and a box of chocolates for dessert. He had made a beautiful shrimp salad, and there were two bottles of white wine in the fridge. I had dressed for the occasion in a white summer dress, no bra and only bikini panties. I knew he could see my nipples press against the fabric and I loved it. He was in jeans and a polo shirt showing off his strong body.

After we ate, we had coffee and dessert on the balcony looking out over a park. We had finished almost all the wine and I was tipsy. I figured this was the day I would let him go all the way so I began to run my hands over his chest and we kissed. The kiss became deeper and we moved inside. He was so hot and so was I we never made it to the bedroom. He took off my dress and I helped him out of his jeans. When we were both naked, I lay down on the floor and he knelt between my legs. His cock was hard and I couldn’t wait to try it. He lay down over me and I felt him press against me and sighed with pleasure.

Then he stood up and began to dress, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, but I should get up and get dressed. I didn’t understand what was happening, I felt so exposed there lying naked on the wood floor, my legs spread and my most secret spot open and wet. He looked down at me and said, “Get up, get dressed, and get out of here.” Shocked, I asked, “Why? What did I do wrong? You can’t leave me like this.” He just looked down at me and with a sigh he said. “Now you know how I have felt for the last months. You are a tease, and I want nothing to do with you.”

When I took the elevator down I had tears in my eyes, I felt so stupid, and so frustrated. But I had learned my lesson; you could only go so far before the guy has had enough.

I am not saying it is wrong not to want to have sex, but if you don’t want because of a specific reason, tell the guy, don’t play games. Dress as sexy as you want, but don’t lead him to think he might get something you know he won’t.

Read more articles and points of views from Natasha here. Photos courtesy of Shutterstock.

March 29, 2014
Cheated? 5 simple ways to move on

While I do not wish for myself or anyone else to go through the same agony, it is inevitable that some of us would have been cheated on at some point in time be it whether the relationship has run its course or well … the other party has decided that the grass could be crispier on the other side. Even though I am now in a perfectly happy relationship with my adorably insufferable new beau, I can easily recall those hellish sleepless nights whereby I had spent them unearthly hours trying to rationalize and figure out why things turned out the way they did. Moving on was exceptionally hard for me, given that it was my first real relationship—spanning half-a-decade—and my immediate instinct was to shut myself from the rest of society and immerse in work. While my productivity definitely reached an all-time high, I was feeling like a pathetic rat every single day. I eventually had an epic breakdown before picking up what remained of my miserable self. It was not after when the ex tried to establish contact several months later to express his regrets and to seek a chance for reconciliation then did I realize that moving on was the best decision that I had made. By cheating on me, he was essentially the one who could not come to terms with himself and chose to run away from his own insecurity issues. If you are currently holding onto a destructive relationship that can no longer be salvaged, perhaps it is now the time to re-evaluate your situation. Here are some ways that I have helped myself to move on:

Friends and parents

One of the best ways to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer functional is to come to terms with it and to keep the close circle of friends informed. However, most of us may take a while before letting the parents know, especially if both parties have yet to meet the parents. While my friends have been really supportive, my folks were the ones who provided the most emotional support during this period and made sure that I was at least eating well despite waking up to seeing me with puffy eyes every morning. My mum even skipped her weekly mahjong sessions just to chill out with me. Right now, two years on, my dad keeps a lookout for me to make sure that I am in a good place in my current relationship.

No contact

Out of sight; out of mind. In my instance, the ex was clearly expecting me to give in and forgive him again after he had initiated the second breakup. After all, I was the one who forgave him all too easily previously. This time round, I was determined to cease every means of contact. Apart from refusing to pick up his phone calls, I went the extra mile by blocking him and his entire clan on whatsapp, facebook, and all other forms of social media. This made things much easier and I was no longer tormented over whether to give him another chance because he clearly deserved … not.

To find yourself again

Sure, things may have changed over the course of the relationship. While it is most likely that both parties are responsible for this breakdown, there is no need to beat yourself up over it. It is important to figure out the cause (if possible) and give yourself ample time to internalize it before moving on in order to embark on the journey to find yourself again. Take part in activities that you have always wanted, but never had the time to. Indulge and splurge on that piece of luxury item that you had been eyeing with the money you were saving up for a vacation with the ex. Go for a movie alone and learn to appreciate the solo time that you have earned.

Sweat it out

I literally found my solace in jogging and pilates. It wasn’t soon before I made the decision to sign up to the local gym, hit the threadmill, and went for my first pilates class. And I have never looked back since. Apart from relishing in the adrenalin rush, it also made me aware that if I could accomplish the seemingly impossible and arduous feat of those insane elevated leg circles, there was possibly nothing else that I was not capable of. In a way, this gave me the willpower to put everything to an end when the ex wanted to get back together.

Burn baby burn !

What’s the point of keeping those movie ticket stubs, birthday and valentine cards? These were written and exchanged during better times and he/she clearly no longer feels the same. Sure, getting rid of all these may come across as a bitter act and seem to be too drastic a step, but there is no better feeling than to watch those painful memories fire up and burn away. Just be sure to extinguish the flames before bidding the past away.

March 27, 2014
Love and Comparisons: Why do we compare ourselves to other people?

You date. Find a great guy. All goes seemingly well. Then he dumps you. You are devastated. You are a strong woman, and you know you’ll go on. But what does that take and how the hell do you do that?

Cut to, a few weeks later. You see his new squeeze. Your ass is devastated.

Does it ever benefit you to compare yourself to another woman? Ever? Ever? But damn! She’s so pretty, outgoing, and funny…You’re either one second off to committing suicide, or dating her. You don’t even know which to do first.

Of course, you’ve guessed that this is art imitating life. You are damn straight. One thing I’ve always tried to do, is give back to the world what I feel I am missing. So, kind souls, this is my contribution to society. Thank me later.

So why do we compare?

I actually have no good answer for this. I don’t know why we do. We just do. Maybe it’s our EGO, a impression of people’s reactions to us. If they hate you, you hate you. If the world, or a guy thinks someone else is better than you, then you, unfortunately think someone else is better…This is not ever true.

Or, you accept the other person as better, because the person you dated chose them. You respect the other person’s values so much, that you think: “Wow, he chose her, and he’s amazing. So, maybe that other person is better than me.” A pretty dangerous way to think.

No matter how you do it, comparing yourself to another person will always F-up your self-esteem. Don’t do it, ever. I love you. Don’t do it=)

What has helped me in this circumstance, is thanking the universe for presenting a dilemma like this to me. Somewhere, deep down inside, I want to grapple with this. If I didn’t, I would have never been triggered. The rewards of dealing with difficult situations are usually far reaching, so having this assignment – I welcome it.

I also learned that it’s better to compare your new self with your old self. As opposed to other people. Why? Because we will never win at comparing ourselves to others. We simply can’t be them. But one thing we can do, is to be exceptional, kick ass, and magnetic versions of ourselves.

Look at who we were before this situation. Make a list. What did we do a year (or more ago) that we absolutely don’t do now. Really think about it, and be thankful for who we are now, and where we’ve come. If there is anything, we still want, GET IT. Take care of your body if you want to, rid yourself of unsavoury relationships and people, if you feel that’s essential to your betterment.

Lastly, It’s helped me to ignore everybody! Ignore all opinions good and bad, because they say “you’re never as good as people say you are, and you’re never as bad as people say you are.” You’re somewhere in between, and if you rid yourself of outside validation; If you don’t live within the opinions of others…. You’ll never fall victim to dreaded comparisons. Relationship or otherwise.

March 15, 2014