Tag: Love & Relationships

So recently I found myself sitting on my ass in front of my computer on a Friday night, wondering what there was to do.  You see, the latest season of Survivor hadn’t started yet, so my Friday nights were pretty much wide open for adventure.  Except, having just gotten out of a long relationship, and realising that most of my girlfriends now had husbands and babies to contend with, I was pretty much left very alone to my own devices.

I’m not usually the girl without a life.  And if you leave me alone with myself, I’m usually thankful for some peace and quiet, a little ‘me’ time, where I can do anything from paint my nails to write a Taylor Swift-esque breakup song.  But sometimes all you want is to chill out somewhere with someone with whom you can enjoy some good conversation.

So what’s the modern girl to do?  Set up an online profile of course.  Upload a couple of cute camwh*** pics, fill in an essay or two about my personality, and then, well, wait.  Me being the forward kind of girl, I mostly just click around everywhere and randomly send messages to people whose pictures or profiles catch my eye.  But, just like with some other things in life, if you give, you should also expect to receive.

And receive I do.  According to the stats on one dating site, I get an average of about 150 views a week, out of which maybe 30 to 50 actually translate into a message in my inbox.  That’s quite a lot of emails to read!  You’d think, wow, so many guys are interested; she must be spoilt for choice!

Hold it right there, buster.  Photos and personality notwithstanding, let’s just consider why half of these messages will get chucked by me in an instant – sometimes with me not even bothering to open and read the full email itself.  Here’s 10 tips on writing that first message that you could use:

1) Lose the lame pickup lines.

“Can you take me to the bakery?  Cos I want a cutiepie like you.” is not a smart, witty introduction.  Neither is the one about being late because you were busy slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress, before asking if I’m the princess.

2) Put in some effort.

Saying “Hi, wanna chat?” might have last worked only when you were last chatting on mIRC/ICQ. In that same vein, telling me you’re 27/M/Singaporean is like telling me you have 10 fingers and 10 toes.  Tell me something I don’t know.

3) Be somebody.

If you’re sending me an email, there’s a chance another twenty people are too.  How do you stand out from the bunch?  First of all, don’t start with “Just a simple/normal/boring guy…”  Preferably, also don’t admit to living in your office… or gym.  In fact, why not try getting a life first, before coming back to online dating? Nobody wants to be with the guy who doesn’t ever do anything or go anywhere.

4) Don’t Ctrl C + Ctrl V please.

I know, there’s so many fish in the sea, if only you could just set up a net to catch a whole haul instead of dangling baits one at a time, waiting for one to hook.  “Hey, I know, let’s just write a very deep, insightful, sincere message that introduces myself in a good light, and compliments her looks and personality, and that drives home the message that I’m interested in getting to know her.”  And then because it took so much effort to actually write a message like that, wow, it’s too good not to be shared with the next girl, and the next, and the next… Yea, and what do we receive?  A “copy-paste” message. So much for sincerity, really.  This is the equivalent of forwarding us some mass-send email without even bothering enough to remove the Fwd: in the subject header or inserting “Dear (our name)” but leaving it in the default Microsoft Outlook blue in contrast to the rest of the email in black.

5) Don’t come off shallow.

Yes, pictures are all we can go by to tell if a person is butt ugly or pleasant-looking enough to actually sit across from at a coffee joint. But don’t make it sound like that’s all you noticed.  “Hi I think you’re gorgeous” might work for some girls, I’m sure.  Me, not so. First of all it sounds insincere; secondly if you’re gonna make it just all about looks, you better have a gorgeous picture when I click on your profile too.  If you really want to compliment a girl, “Hi I love how beautiful/radiant/brilliant your smile is” might work better.

6) Don’t come off haughty.

I know, you’re probably a great catch. But boasting about your job, or car – or abs! – doesn’t make you appealing. ‘Nuff said.

7) Keep it PG – and in your pants.

I’m not sure if I should be impressed that in this fast-paced society, there are guys who are so efficient, they go straight to the point. Beyond asking whether I’d like to “have some fun”, I do get messages asking me if I’ll wear my heels in bed, or how I’d like to be tied up.  And then there are those who tell me my pictures are the source of their… DIY. Like, ew.  Am I supposed to be flattered??  (And no, my pictures are all very PG thank you very much!)

8) Save the debate.

My online profile isn’t full of motions waiting for you to oppose.  Yes, I suppos e I could enjoy discussing the merits of say, green tea, on any given Sunday.  But my likes and dislikes and preferences are not up for discussion on a line-by-line basis. They are also not statements to which you have to respond with “Strongly agree/disagree”, “Somewhat agree/disagree”, or “Neutral”.  So please refrain from sending me a thesis because you’re not going to get a good grade for that!

9) Don’t be rude.

I’m not sure if the guys that do this think they are being smart, but they tend to form opinions from my profile and then strongly feel that they need to share those opinions with me.  It runs the gamut of guys telling me I am idealistic, to those who question if my singlehood is due to my having unrealistic expectations of the world around me.  Here’s a tip, not just for online dating, but all relationships and friendships in general: Don’t judge.  If you can’t accept it, that is the direction in which you should, well, you know.

10) Just be.

After all those “Don’ts”, here’s one you really need to follow.  Just be.  Be yourself, be funny, be confident, be interested, be sincere.  Be all of those things.  Just type what you feel. If reading her profile made you chuckle, say so, mention which parts. If you were impressed with something she said, tell her so.  If you think you share something in common, ask about it, share what you know.  As I write this paragraph, it sounds so common sense, and yet… here we are, writing about it, because it’s important for you to know it!

And don’t forget to leave a call-to-action.  Ok you’ve complimented her, you’ve pointed out the ways you guys might work great together, then what?  What do you want? Do you want her to drop you a line? Grab a coffee together some time?  Put it out there.  Yeah, you might get rejected.  Pretty big chance you’ll still get ignored anyways. But the girl that finally picks up on your heartfelt sincerity?  My guess is she’s the one you’ll want to date. Good luck!

Some men are just out for a hookup buddy… here’s how to know if you’re being used.

Men and women often want different things from their relationships.  If you’re emotionally involved with a guy, it’s possible that he might not feel as deeply.  We have all dealt with this at some point in our relationships; the fear or realization that he’s just using me for sex.

Here’s a bit of relationship advice and a few signs to look for if you’re skeptical that he may not care as much about your hopes, dreams and personality as he does your compatibility in the bedroom.  Some of the signs are easy to overlook, but don’t discount them!  Both his words and his actions are important to watch for as you decide if he’s in it to win it, or just in it for a good time.

1. He only comes late at night.

Now, I know sometimes men will come over after a night of bar hopping with his buddies, but if he is only making that call when he’s drinking and it is late, you should know he isn’t interested in anything but a sexual relationship.  A man who cares about you for you will want to spend time with you in the light of day, and without the lubrication of alcohol.

2. He always cancels plans with you.

You’re looking forward to hanging out together, but as soon as you are supposed to see him, he sends you a text saying he has to cancel.  This isn’t just disappointing, it’s rude!  You are worth having someone show up on time and actually stick to their word!  Do not make excuses for him constantly cancelling; it’s his cowardly way of  showing you he’s not interested.

3. He never takes you out in public.

Just as important as his willingness to see you in the daytime, a man you’re dating should be excited about taking you out!  No excuses on this one: if you two never leave the house, you need to start asking yourself why that is.  It’s fun to get lost in the sheets together sometimes, but you should also both enjoy a walk in the park or a dinner at a restaurant.

4. He tells you everything you want to hear, but doesn’t show you the things he says.

Actions speak louder than words, so if he’s just filling you up with charming and charismatic words, without proving what he says is true, it’s time to move on.

5. He is standoffish.

He knows everything about you, but your knowledge of him is limited.  Relationships are for learning about each other and seeing if you two are compatible.  If he tells  you very little about himself, he’s either hiding something or he just doesn’t want you to know him.  Maybe he doesn’t think you’re compatible for the long-term, or just  doesn’t want to put in the effort because he knows he’s going to move on before you gets too comfortable.

It’s easy to ignore these signs, especially when you feel attached or excited about a potential new partner. But the fact is that if he’s displaying any of these traits, he is  just using you for sex and does not want a relationship with you. Even though it may hurt to admit this, you deserve more than someone who doesn’t care about you.

There are two choices in life – holding on or letting go.  On a number of instances, I have been faced with that difficult decision-making.  Every single time, it never gets any easier for me.  It seems that whichever choice I make, there is either a resolution or a consequence that comes with it.

It is funny how we tend to hold on too much onto something or someone that contains a lot of memories in them.  Regardless of the setting that we are in or we are going to be, somehow we still want to bring them with us no matter what.  This recognition of such a general truth is applicable to every context usage in our lives, be it on things, on people, and on issues with our selves.

We should know when it is already time to walk away and let go, as well as when it is necessary to hold on and fight.

Letting go is not a one-time-big-time thing.  It happens every day.  I see it as a resolute choice to make, in which there is no turning back anymore.  You do not get to press any rewind button and restart all over again.  When you let go, a part of you dies inside and it is that kind of death that is irrevocable.  But sometimes, letting go can be very helpful and it does us the favour of making our lives less complicated.  When we let go, it is like throwing something heavy off our chest and recognizing that life is better without it.  From time to time, it is necessary to let go of things and people, especially those that are becoming a burden to us. In letting go, we realize that it is either the healthiest choice we have ever made or something that we will regret for always.

On the other hand, most people think that letting go is the hardest choice that we will have to encounter in life.  I would have agreed to that if I had no experience of it first-hand.  But, because I do know and based on my own familiarity, I now beg to disagree to that belief.  As an unsolicited opinion, holding on is more enigmatic than letting go, especially when we are the only ones who want things to stay exactly the way they are.

Holding on can be very debilitating in the long run.  I am not trying to promote the concept that we should not follow our heart’s desires, but when we hold on to something or someone for far too long, it becomes a habit and habits are usually hard to break.  At the very least, we should always see to it that whatever or whoever we are holding on to, should be worth it.  We must keep in mind that regardless of losing that one thing or that one person we are desperately holding on to, we do not lose ourselves in the process.

It is not that holding on is a detrimental option.  I am not against it.  In fact, most of the time, I find myself holding on to things and to people more often than I should.  However, I found out that not because we are holding on means we are doing what is more glorious.  It is about the ‘why’ and the ‘what for’ behind it.  In the end, we will have to honestly answer to ourselves if our reasons are worth it or not.

In life, we will always find ourselves in a quandary as to whether to hold on or to let go.  When we reach that point wherein we need to make a choice, we should reflect upon and assess the situation carefully and subjectively, and not in a biased manner.  It is important to use both our minds and our hearts to evaluate the pros and cons.  It is true that our feelings and emotions can magnify our thoughts and we may end up making the wrong choice.  But it is also true that in some situations, when we follow our hearts, we will never go wrong.  That is one of life’s ironies.  Living life is never a facile and carefree thing to do.  As they say, you win some and you lose some.  You just have to make up your mind, be firm with whatever choice you make, and not look back at it with regret.

Yes, there are two choices in life which we make every day.  There are a lot of hurdles to pass through and we have to know which ones are worth letting go and holding on, because what it all comes down to is not just about winning the gold but about the sacrifices made and what was left until the very end.