Author: Nicole Nelson

Don’t Let Your Virgin Sex Experience Be Awkward

I am a virgin but my partner is definitely more experienced than me. Is there anything I can do to not make things weird or awkward on the first time?

My short answer to your question is, communicate! I would encourage both of you to have a conversation before you guys decide to have sex for the first time as a couple and for you the first time ever. I don’t mean have a conversation as your clothes are coming off but rather a few days or even weeks before you anticipate the big moment happening.

You guys don’t have to come up with a play by play (unless you want to of course) but instead talk about some things you can prepare for; like deciding where your first time is going to be (maybe the bed, maybe the shower, who knows!) or whether or not you guys will be using condoms*. These decisions that can be made and talked about ahead of time and can make the anticipation leading up to the first time more enjoyable and less stressful for you.

If having a conversation before the sexy-time doesn’t feel like preparation enough you could also have some sexy-time by yourself (if you don’t already do that). Masturbating can help you figure out what feels good for you to be able to guide your partner when you guys are working up to having sex for the first time.

*I’m assuming you will be engaging in penetrative sex with a male partner; my sincerest apologies if I have assumed wrong.

Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com!

Nicole is currently in school obtaining her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from Smith College with a focus on LGBTQ issues and couples/marriage therapy. Nicole hopes to become a certified sex therapist to continue educating clients and helping people advocate for and embrace their sexuality. Read the rest of her profile below and the links to follow her!

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May 11, 2016
The Unlikely Raw Bar: My Nyotaimori Experience

Perhaps like some of you, I had never heard of nyotaimori (aka eating sushi off a naked woman) until very recently. The feminist side of me was like WTF, while the exhibitionist side of me was definitely curious (and kind of into it). I wanted to learn more about nyotaimori but I didn’t just want to just read about it—I wanted to do it. So I decided that I would host a body sushi night, with myself as the “female platter.” I got some friends together to try on this nyotaimori for size … literally.

But before we start, you may be curious about where the hell did this sexy, fishy practice came from.

Nyotaimori, in Japanese roughly translates to “female body presentation” and is the (sometimes fetishized) practice of eating sushi from the naked body of a woman. Sounds steamy right? Supposedly, the art of nyotaimori was a subculture of the geishas during the Samurai era. Geishas would host a celebratory meal for the Samurai warriors after they returned home from a victorious battle; the meal was served on the geisha’s bodies. They are supposed to stay still and silent as the men enjoy their victory feast.

Nyotaimori is no longer an exclusive Japanese practice; it has since become more Westernized and popular in the U.S. In present day, nyotaimori seems to be most common in two spheres: a unique catering experience and as a fetishized practice within couples and group sex. Several catering companies, like those in Los Angeles and Miami have created thriving businesses off of this idea of body sushi. It’s titillating to see a beautiful naked model while stuffing your face with a shrimp tempura roll. Personally, I would appreciate nyotaimori in a more private setting where some sort of sexual play may or may not be taking place after the meal.

My body sushi experience was neither a fancy catered event nor an erotic group sex experience, but it did have the essentials for a successful body sushi night: A female body platter (me), sushi, and friends to enjoy the aforementioned body and sushi.

I was fairly selective in who I invited to participate in this sushi extravaganza. I didn’t feel comfortable including some of my male friends, some of whom are partners of my close girlfriends. I was choosy about who I invited because I didn’t want to feel objectified by the guys and I believed I would feel less ogled by my female friends. I know that this is a big assumption on my part of my male friends; maybe they all would have been respectful and wouldn’t have made comments about my tit size or new tattoo. I wanted this experience to be more about enjoying the food and company while trying my best to adhere to the nyotaimori etiquette and wanted it to be less about sneaking peeks of my boobs.

After I decided it was a ladies only event, I had to plan out the sushi menu. I purchased several sushi rolls but had to accommodate a few of my guests who don’t like sushi or fish. For those guests, my friends and I made candy and fruit sushi instead using things like gummy fish and worm candy with fruit strips and rice krispie treats. It took the equivalent of five rolls of sushi to cover most of me and we only made enough for one course!

Typically during a nyotaimori experience, the model or “platter” is not supposed to move and must remain silent for hours. She is supposed to lay still as others replenish her body with sushi; she can only move when the meal is over. It was very difficult to keep still and to keep myself from laughing and talking with my guests. We did lose a few pieces of sushi due to a case of the giggles.

After the night was over, stomachs were satiated and my clothes were back on, I chatted with my friends about their experience. The general consensus was that it was fun but it was a lot of work and would especially be a lot of work to do with or for a partner. None of them found the experience to be erotic but that is likely because some of them dislike sushi and/or aren’t attracted to women (the two major factors of nyotaimori). Had their partners been lying on the floor decoratively covered with pizza slices, they may have thought differently!

As for me, the “platter”, I had a lot of fun! It was rousing to lay there naked on display while one of my guests plated the sushi on me. I didn’t feel objectified—I felt sexy. I also liked feeling a bit out of control when it was time to plate the sushi. It was out of my hands and all I could do was lay there and trust that all would go to plan; the power dynamic between me as the “platter” and my guests was more palpable than I thought it would be and I liked it. For these reasons, I can see why body sushi can be so erotic for some; you are a piece of pleasurable, beautiful art that first can satisfy the stomach and then the heart.

Eat your heart out friends but save room for the California roll.

Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com!

Nicole Nelson is currently in school obtaining her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from Smith College with a focus on LGBTQ issues and couples/marriage therapy. Nicole hopes to become a certified sex therapist to continue educating clients and helping people advocate for and embrace their sexuality. Read the rest of her profile below and the links to follow her!

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Image courtesy of Nicole Nelson

April 10, 2016
Dealing With Her Past And Ex-Boyfriends

I just started dating a girl who has a history of having many boyfriends previously; I am okay with the idea currently but sometimes I can’t help but think about the number of guys she has been with. How do I let this not affect me and us?

I think it may be helpful if you think a little deeper about why knowing how many partners your girlfriend has had before you bothers you. Are you anxious that you won’t be able to satisfy her as well as other partners? Are you concerned about your sexual health and worry you should be screened for STIs (you should do this anyway, regardless of her sexual history). Do you have some beliefs of how women should or shouldn’t have sex outside of a serious relationship? Or are there some issues of jealousy here?

Whatever the answer; here are a few things to try and keep in mind about your girlfriend and her sexual past as you move forward in this relationship. It’s not really fair of you to fault your girlfriend for enjoying herself sexually in her previous relationships. I’m assuming you hadn’t even met each other yet. Try and be positive; your girlfriend must feel pretty connected to you and trusting of you to have shared her personal past (which she didn’t necessarily have to do).

At the end of the day, the best way you’ll be able to not let this negatively impact your relationship is to talk about it. Don’t keep it bottled up inside; if you feel like you can’t talk to your girlfriend about your worries without it turning into a fight, talking to a friend might help instead. You guys are together now; be the best the other has ever had!

Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com!

Nicole Nelson is currently in school obtaining her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from Smith College with a focus on LGBTQ issues and couples/marriage therapy. Nicole hopes to become a certified sex therapist to continue educating clients and helping people advocate for and embrace their sexuality. Read the rest of her profile below and the links to follow her!

Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock

March 17, 2016
Sex Tips And Pleasure Positions For Overweight People
My husband and I are on the weighty side and a lot of sex positions are challenging for us to try. What are some recommendations or tweaks we can do instead of the usual missionary?

You may want to consider having a few of the following little helpers on hand to make different positions more exciting and/or more comfortable.
1. Lube is a wonderful sexy tool to have regardless of you and your partner’s shape. Water based or silicone lube is great to have on hand in order to make entry easier for your husband and can make penetration comfortable and safer for you. (If your husband tries to penetrate you when you aren’t lubricated it can be painful and can cause micro-tears in your vagina that can cause infection and we don’t want that!)
2. Having firm pillows in the bedroom can make sexual positions easier for you and your husband. For example, sometimes placing a firm pillow underneath your abdomen during doggy-style can make the position more comfortable for you and can increase your stamina.
3. Blindfolds and ticklers…okay so this is a 2 in1 suggestion but bear with me. Again, regardless of your size and shape having these sexy toys in quick reach before and during sexy time can be the “tweak” enough that you need to add some fun to positions you already use comfortably now. Sensory toys like blindfolds and ticklers can create different sensations in your body that give you the tinglies from your head to your toes!
Now for the positions; the following are just three of many suggestions to help answer your question. Side and rear entry positions seem to provide the most comfort and pleasure (the most important part) for weighty couples.
1. Doggy-style and other rear entry variations are great positions to try to get your sexy on. You can get on your hands and knees on the bed while your husband kneels behind you. As I mentioned earlier, you can use pillows in this position for support. It’s also possible to kneel at the edge of the bed with your face and chest closer to the bed as your husband stands behind you at the edge of the bed to penetrate you.
2. Side positions. I’m sure there are plenty of silly names for these types of positions like ‘turtle on its shell’ and others but we are keeping it general here. You could lie on your side, almost like you are in the fetal position, while your partner again kneels on the bed or stands at the edge of the bed to penetrate you. Pillows would be good for these side positions too to either place between your legs to make entry easier or underneath you (depending on how tall your partner is and if they are kneeling on the bed or standing).
3. Cowgirl and variations of woman on top positions can maximize G-spot penetration (like rear entry positions) and are good positions to give your husband the opportunity to see you in your gorgeous glory on top of him. If it’s not comfortable to straddle him as he lays on his back you could also squat over him as he enters you and he could thrust from underneath you.
Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com!

Nicole Nelson is currently in school obtaining her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from Smith College with a focus on LGBTQ issues and couples/marriage therapy. Nicole hopes to become a certified sex therapist to continue educating clients and helping people advocate for and embrace their sexuality. Read the rest of her profile below and the links to follow her!

Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
February 4, 2016
Four Festive Lingerie Ensembles to Try on This Christmas

Tis’ the season for long nights snuggling up with your partner while chestnuts are roasting on an open fire and Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. While you both are getting into the holiday cheer (after all the presents are wrapped and decorations are hung) why not get a little frisky? Below are four hot merry numbers (all of which could be thrown together with items you already have in your closet) for the ladies to try out. Your partner will definitely want to unwrap you faster than the gifts under the Christmas tree or menorah.

Frosty the Snowwoman Throw on one of your white or cream babydoll style camis, a (preferably) silky scarf and borrow a black top hat to complete the cool snowwoman outfit. Adding some glitter in your hair or putting on some glittery eye makeup for a shimmery look and it’ll be like you were kissed by Frosty himself. To improve this outfit, you could play up the domanatrix role as a frigid dom to top your partner. I’m sure your partner will gladly take orders from Ms. Frosty.

Santa’s Little Helper Keep this ensemble simple or really go all out with the red and green with this sexy getup. This one is easy to play around with and can also be turned into a role play should your partner be open to playing the man with the long white beard and donning on the bright red suit. Start by wearing a red slip or satin kimono and top it off with a Santa hat. You could also add some fishnet stockings or to keep it playful by putting on some red and green knee high socks or stockings. As Santa’s little helper, you’ll need to help your partner get you out of your hot lingerie and into the sheets.

Mistletoe Minx For this outfit, switch up the red lingerie for some green satin slips or a corset and thong instead; slip on some sexy high heels for some extra sass. Finish your outfit with a few branches of mistletoe—one for over the doorway and a few for sexy time. You can find mistletoe during the holiday season at many craft stores. Use the mistletoe to direct your partner to the areas you want them to spend more time focusing on with their mouth then have your partner use their mistletoe so you can do the same for him.

Angelic Harlot This ensemble is all about being the virtuous angelic saint and the harlot sinner at the same time, so add in splashes of red to show your sinful side. You can easily reuse the white slip that you put on for Frosty the Snowwoman or try a silver babydoll slip with a white thong. If you have a halo or wings left over for Halloween, now would be a great time to use them! Add some red heels, red lipstick red underwear, red fishnets or a red scarf to showcase your inner harlot. Your partner won’t know which side of you they’ll be getting … the angel or the little elfish devil.

With that, I leave you to spread some holiday cheer in the bedroom. Happy Holidays … and a sizzling hot night to all 😉

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December 26, 2015
Who She Fucks is None of Your Business: Stop the Slut Shaming!

We’ve all done it, let’s just put it out there and own it up right now. We’ve all slut shamed a woman for her sexuality or what we assumed her sexuality to be. We assume we know her or more likely, we assume we know her behavior because we saw her get into a cab with a guy last night after the bar closed (maybe they just went out for late night pancakes, you don’t know! and even if they did have sex it should not matter to you). Even if you didn’t know what you were doing was slut shaming when you were gossiping about how many guys the girl in the cubicle next to you gets with, it is and we are all guilty of doing it at least once or twice in our lives.

Before we continue, I want to make a distinction here. It is okay to have opinions about sexuality and reading this article isn’t going to rid you of your opinions, nor would I really expect it to. You’re allowed to set sexual boundaries for yourself. For example, maybe you don’t like having multiple sexual partners at the same time. Or over the next year, you don’t want to have more than one sexual partner because you think it’s unhealthy, unsafe or inappropriate to have sex with multiple people. That’s okay! There’s a difference between holding beliefs about your OWN sexuality and pushing your beliefs on to other women. It’s when the beliefs you hold for yourself personally and privately begin to be pushed on to other women in and outside of your life, then we have a problem. Then you could be slut shaming without even knowing it.

Maybe you’re thinking to yourself that if everyone slut shames, as I asserted earlier, then maybe it’s not so bad. Not quite. I hate to bring up this cliché adage but if everyone jumps off the really tall bridge into shark infested waters, are you going to do it too? Just because some of us slut shame, some more regularly or critically than others, does not give the rest of us permission to do it too without considering how terrible it might feel to the woman we are ridiculing either to her face or behind her back (which is worse in my opinion). Instead, be the person that stands up for the girl who lives at the end of your hall who your friends are tearing to shreds because she is on her fourth boyfriend this month. WHY DO YOU CARE?!? Why is policing her, or any woman for that matter important to you? Oh right. It’s not. Talk about anything else, the show you’re binging on Netflix, the girl you’re crushing on in your senior seminar, the volunteer position you just applied for, but stop policing what your fellow dorm-mate is doing between the sheets.

What women do with their bodies is policed by our society all the time, please be that one less person doing it. We see the policing and silencing everywhere. We can’t have access to birth control because that means we are having sex (oh my!) or we are told that we don’t have the “right body” for bikinis or that we should always shave our body hair. Men and women alike are guilty of patrolling the women around us in an attempt to shame them into submission. What we do with our bodies: wax them, exercise them, feed them and who gives them sexual pleasure is closely monitored by practically everyone. Our parents, siblings, friends, and total strangers feel entitled to tell women how to behave sexually or otherwise and it’s seriously messed up.

If you don’t care about the random woman your friends are shaming, you should at least care about yourself and the women in your life. Slut shaming/policing bodies hurts more than just the singular woman you are judging, it hurts all (cis and trans) women and all (cis and trans) men because it perpetuates a culture that silences and shames us all into not fully expressing ourselves sexually for fear of scrutiny and humiliation. Slut shaming is shitty and hurtful and you wouldn’t want it done to you, so be more cognizant of it the next time you go to mention to your friend that you saw “that girl” make out with a guy and two girls at the party last night. She isn’t just “that girl”. She’s someone’s best friend, sister, niece, granddaughter and what she does with her body and how she gets her sexy on is her business. Not yours.

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October 17, 2015
An Independent Girl’s Guide to Relationships

Maintaining independence while trying to foster a healthy relationship has been a challenge that independent folks have been facing forever! The ultimate independent woman’s dilemma: how do I stay true to who I am and meet my autonomous needs without alienating my partner? This dilemma isn’t just reserved for romantic/sexual partnerships; all relationships require the juggling of the individual’s needs and the needs of the couple (friends, family, sexual partners). From the perspective of one independent woman to another, I think there are four ideas to keep in mind as you try and navigate a committed relationship while also not losing sight of yourself: boundary setting, communication, self-awareness, and vulnerability.

Boundary Setting

First and foremost you have to know how to set reasonable boundaries for yourself. Boundaries help keep your sanity, especially in the honeymoon phase of a relationship when you and your partner are practically one person. Setting boundaries can be challenging, but for independent ladies, they are necessary to not lose sight of your goals and interests while dating someone. Set some rules, only see your partner three times a week so you have a few nights during the week to just hang out and binge Netflix or go to the new barre class you wanted to check out. Or if you live with your partner, take some time in the bedroom to meditate or do yoga while your partner reads in the living room. Intentionally creating space apart will make you and your partner enjoy the time you do have together even more.

Communication (Leads to Compromise)

Good boundary setting means you need good communication to set those boundaries. As independent ladies, sometimes voicing our needs can come across as selfish or dismissive of our partner, so being able to appropriately talk to our partners about what we need (or don’t need) from them and why is critical to a successful relationship. Communication leads to compromise, so long as your partner can meet you half way too. If you both are a good match, your partner will be able to hear your concerns, like your requests to spend more time with your girlfriends because you are missing the girl’s nights you used to have; and they should be able to work with you. Having good communication skills doesn’t just mean you share your opinions and needs in a healthy way; you have to listen to your partner and hear what their needs are too. It’s when you continuously feel that your needs and your partner’s needs are not compatible that there may be a problem.

Self-Awareness

Most independent ladies already are very self-aware, that’s part of what makes them independent. Knowing who you are, what you want out of life, and how to get there is what independent folks are usually all about. It’s about how you utilize your self-awareness though that matters in your relationship. Listening to yourself and your intuition is important. If you start noticing some discomfort within yourself when your new partner of only a few weeks already has a change of clothes and toothbrush at your place, or is asking to come out to your weekly girls nights, use that self-awareness to reevaluate the situation. Clearly your gut is saying, “Whoa wait a minute, get your own friends, give me time to myself!,” and that little red flag needs to be listened to.

Vulnerability

Independent ladies, we are all about doing for ourselves, right? For an independent person who prides herself on her self-sufficiency, self-reliance and strength, vulnerability can be really scary. Being vulnerable with your partner means being able to lean on them for support, cry on their shoulder, or ask them for help (even when maybe we think we don’t need it). These are all things that independent people can have a tough time doing, but we have to try! Vulnerability is so necessary in a relationship; if you can’t give yourself or even parts of yourself to your partner than why are you in a relationship? It is okay to let yourself need your partner every once in a while and still be independent. Showing your partner that you need them could bring you both closer together. Let your partner take care of you when you’re sick, or pick you up from the airport instead of calling a cab. Those little moments of vulnerability, little moments of “I need you” don’t make you any less independent, they make you stronger.

Unfortunately, sometimes despite our best intentions to set good boundaries, be a good communicator, listen to our guts, or be vulnerable relationships can still fail, and that’s okay. Qualities like independence, strength, confidence, and ambition are not qualities that deserve to be sacrificed in a relationship, new or old. If your partner isn’t someone that can support your goals (or at the very least understand that you need space from them sometimes), but rather is someone that wants to monopolize your time maybe they aren’t the right partner for you.

Hopefully though, by keeping at least some of these things in mind you may find that managing your time, your needs, and your partner’s needs is easier to do. There are ways to be an ass-kicking independent lady, accomplishing your goals, nourishing your own hobbies and friendships while absolutely loving your partner and not making them feel like a burden to you and your awesomeness!

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May 8, 2015
Seven Reasons Why Sex on Any Day of the Year is Just as Good (if not better) as Sex on Valentine’s Day

In case you couldn’t tell by the title, I very much dislike Valentine’s Day and all that it stands for; you will never find me glorifying V-Day and all of its lovey-dovey-ness. Normally I try to stay impartial in my writing but I just can’t with this. It is a Halmarky, socially and culturally constructed crappy holiday that I believe does more harm than good for people, coupled or not. Partners should show affection, praise, support, appreciation and authentic sentiments of love throughout the whole year; “I love you” isn’t said with chocolate truffles. So to push back on all of the annual Valentine’s Day hype, I have listed my top reasons why sex and love (not saying those two things always go hand in hand) is just as good if not better throughout the year. All cupid lovers may want to avert their eyes.

1. You don’t have to sit through a fancy dinner
Homemade dinner or not, sometimes you just don’t want to wait to get a little frisky with your partner. But there are these unspoken steps that are in this unwritten Valentine’s Day date playbook that say you need to have a nice dinner first before anything else. Then there are these expectations that you can’t eat heavy foods like pasta because they’ll make you bloated or put you in a food coma. And you can’t eat foods like asparagus or garlic that will make your breath and your nether-regions “smell funky”. If you want to get intimate with your partner now and eat later, do it; Valentine’s Day expectations be damned.

2. No need for chocolates and flowers
Again, there is this expectation on V-Day that you must give your partner a heart filled with chocolates and roses or a fancy cologne. But then there is a hidden assumption that if your partner only gets a box of chocolates then that’s a “lame” gift and they should have been more creative and thoughtful with their gift giving, because these gifts are supposed to be tokens of undying love right? So these stereotypical “Valentines” that line drug store shelves all throughout the months of January and February are pretty worthless, even though there is the expectation that you need to buy those things. Forget the chocolates and flowers, especially if you are only buying them to appease your partner and to “score” with them later. That’s not showing your love that’s being selfish.

3. No comparisons need to be made
Despite the gripes listed directly above, there are those people that do go above and beyond on V-Day with the diamonds. It is great to buy something really nice for your partner (if you have the means, which many don’t), but money doesn’t buy love. And we all have those friends, or even ex-partners around Valentine’s Day who are so eager to show off the diamond necklace their partner got them; or worse people who want to compare notes on the sacred Valentine’s Day sex. I don’t celebrate V-Day with my partner and am always asked by co-workers and friends what I “got” for Valentine’s Day and there is always this smug or pitiful look I get when I say “nothing.” We should not view our relationships in comparison to other people and couples around us, about the gifts we receive or the sex we have. Let’s not try to out Valentine each other.

4. No need for expensive Valentine’s Day cards

If you need Hallmark to tell your partner you love them for you, we may have a problem. Sure those cards can help you get started, but if you just sign your name at the bottom and seal it up, how sentimental is that really? Not to mention those cards are $5 each! So you’re paying for someone else to write a poetic verse for your partner that you’re just going to throw away at the end of the month. Why not write your own sweet sentiments instead; it would mean more and cost less.

5. No feelings of being ostracized for being single
V-Day also sucks because it is a holiday for couples only. There seems to be insidious cultural fears that being single means that you’re alone and being alone is bad; Valentine’s Day just enforces that assumption. This elitist (too much?) couples-only holiday completely disregards very happy and content single people, that are perhaps also having awesome single sex not with a committed partner. Valentine’s Day is pretty shaming of single folks. There are these assumptions that if you’re single on V-Day your lonely, sad, depressed and buying boxes of chocolates for yourself to drown out your sorrows. Not true! Embrace the singledom! Single folks having safe fun sex, can be just as fulfilling and enjoyable as couples having safe fun sex.

6. There’s less pressure to perform during sex
I save #6 and #7 for last because I think they are the most important. As mentioned above, there is this sacredness to the sex that is had on Valentine’s Day (que the rose petals). But heaven forbid (pun intended) if you don’t have this superb sex because of performance or arousal issues; this is seen as a big failure. A man’s ability to perform sexually is more culturally important and arguable humiliating than a woman’s ability to become aroused or “get wet” in order to have sex with her partner, largely because men’s sexual satisfaction is valued more than women’s. Having trouble getting excited to have sex can be caused by a multitude of reasons such as medications, mood of the day, alcohol use, the list goes on. And that personal struggle of challenges with performance and arousal should not come with added pressure because it is February 14^th.

7. There’s less pressure to consent to sex …
or less pressure to submit to sex. Women are often expected to have sex, to put out, on Valentine’s Day especially if they are in a committed relationship with their partner. Similar to the high stakes of sexual performance and arousal on V-Day, there’s also high stakes around having sex period. These are some of the common lines many of us may have heard at one point or another; “It’s Valentine’s Day baby, why don’t you want to have sex? Please can we? I bought dinner tonight, and bought you those nice flowers. We can just start slow, you’ll get into it.” Of course this pressure of having sex, maybe not giving enthusiastic consent, coercive sex, is not just a struggle on Valentine’s Day, but every day for women and even men.

As a final public service announcement as we wrap up, no amount of dinners bought, flowers delivered or chocolates given to someone means that anyone of any gender needs to have sex because it is “owed;” especially on a day that is supposed to be filled with love.

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February 10, 2015
Toeing the Line: Naughty or Nice Rape Fantasies and Role Plays

I am not saying anything thought-provoking or insightful when I say that rape is not an uncomplicated subject … duh. Since rape is such a contentious issue, especially recently with universities being criticized for not being proactive about sexual assaults on their campuses, when people start talking about rape fantasies and role plays, they tend to get even more fired up. This was seen particularly after the release of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and is often brought up in conversations about consensual non-consent in pornography (aka rape porn). Rape fantasies and role plays of course complicate conversations about sexual assault; this article hopes to shed some light on both how to explore those fantasies with your partner and/or how to keep an open mind toward individuals (perhaps yourself included) that may have those fantasies.

If you do a little searching on the internet, you would likely find countless interpretations and definitions of rape fantasy, which may differ from the one I will provide here in my own words. Rape fantasies are when an individual has the desire to be coerced into sex, either through physical force or through verbal coercion and will fantasize and imagine scenarios with a partner where they give up or have no consent. Rape role plays are typically when the acts of sexual coercion are physically acted out with a partner CONSENSUALLY, whereby one partner gives up the option of being in charge and allows the other partner to completely dominate them. The most important piece to remember, in case you missed it in the last sentence, is these acted out sexual fantasies of rape are consensual.

Often people ask how can rape be consensual when the whole premise of rape is that it is a forced sexual act. The short answer to that question is lots and lots of communication, negotiating and planning beforehand. As with any role play, even ones as simple as dressing up as a school teacher and student, there typically is some sort of discussion before the playing about who will do what, who will say what, who will wear which costume, who will play which role? With rape role plays, there should be even more contracting and communicating and very clear boundaries set before any sexual contact even happens. Rape role plays are not to be taken lightly and if you feel that your partner, whether they are the one that would do the dominating or the one giving up their consent, does not want to participate respect their wishes, do not pressure them.

Rape is often seen as a woman’s issue, which makes sense given that the vast majority of people who report assaults are women; therefore it is not hard to believe that most individuals who disclose about having rape fantasies where they are the ones giving up their consent are women. Of course, these accounts are not totally accurate given that it is common for individuals to not accurately or honestly report what their fantasies or sexual experiences actually are (all the shame!). In addition, it seems that not very many people outside of the kink community have much tolerance for or understanding about rape fantasies and role plays. Often times, rape fantasies, or rather the individuals that have them, are pathologized by the outside community that sees rape fantasies as “sick” or “unhealthy” expressions of sexuality. I will not get on my soapbox about how no one should ever police our sexuality and determine for us what is healthy or unhealthy about our sexuality except ourselves, but just know that if you are comfortable with your sexual fantasies and want to act some of them out with a consenting partner, you totally should!

Some individuals believe that carrying out rape fantasies with a partner in a role play is a manifestation of not being able to ask for something we (i.e. women) want in our “normal” sexual lives. Or we want something society has taught us as women, not to want, like sexual pleasure; therefore we create these rape fantasies in our minds to fill a sexual need we may not know how to ask for. Sexual suppression and shame is a chronic problem for women and men too; female sexuality and sexual pleasure is not something that is valued in Western society, so often expressing our sexuality and sexual pleasure is seen as taboo. Rape fantasies are sometimes seen as an alternative expression to ask for what we want sexually. Female sexuality is too often stifled in Western society and that is not a pathology of the individual, but rather pathology of the culture at large.

At the end of the day, regardless of which genders fantasizes about giving up their consent to a partner (or a stranger), all sexual fantasies not just rape ones, are just another way to explore with our sexual selves and our partners. If rape fantasies and role plays are something you are interested in exploring, consenting to give up consent and keeping lines of communication open are key, and if rape fantasies or sexy teacher fantasies are not your style, that’s okay too. Just as a public service announcement: be kind to each other. People who have rape fantasies are not necessarily “sick” or “unhealthy” people, they just have a different fantasy than you do, and likely their fantasy is not intended to personally attack you or your sexuality.

*This article was not meant to belittle or minimize some of the strongly held beliefs about rape and sexual assault, especially for those who are survivors of sexual violence. Nor was this article meant to frame rape fantasies and role plays into a dichotomous “naughty or nice” argument. Rather, this article simply meant to inform readers about how rape fantasies can be safely explored while also trying to encourage readers to not so quickly shame individuals who may be curious about this kind of sexual fantasy.

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December 26, 2014
Top 10 SEX TOYS: Dildos, Vibrators, and Butt Plugs, Oh My!

There are oodles and oodles of different kinds of sex toys on the market today … which ones should you try, where do you even begin? And what is a ball gag??? When you initially begin to explore the world of sex toys it can be daunting, especially if you are not quite sure what you are looking for or what you or your partner would even enjoy. In addition, accurate and useful information about toys can be hard to come by; sometimes you just have to take the manufacturer’s word for it which may not be helpful to you. This article is meant to be a general guide to (my) top ten sex toys, which as you will see is really my top seventeen-ish sex toys (I couldn’t pick just ten!). All of these toys are in no particular ranked order, although you may be able to figure out some of my preferences from the list I have generated.

Before we begin, let me be up front about this list; this is not an exhaustive list by any means and many unique toys (like toys that are supposed to simulate oral sex for instance) may not be represented, but it doesn’t mean that they are any less fun than the toys that are highlighted. In addition, these are just general names for toys, any sex toy purchasing (or creating) consumer should be mindful of the materials that are used in the toys they are using on themselves and their partner(s). Materials such as glass, wood, and some silicones are totally safe, but there are some toys made of plastics and other materials that contain parabens and it is not safe to expose yourself to these over long periods of time. Parabens are commonly used as a kind of preservative or bactericidal in hundreds of products we use every day such as cosmetics and toothpastes. However, some research has shown that they may be linked to cancer. Sometimes you can get away with toys that are made of different plastics that may have parabens in cases when they are not meant to be used internally, like paddles for example. Just being mindful and informed about what you are purchasing may prevent scary health concerns. Without further ado … the sex toy list!

1. Vibrators
There is a plethora of vibrators out there such as bullets, rabbits, and larger dildos that vibrate. The bullets are generally smaller and are primarily for external use and can be put on a variety of vibrating speeds and patterns for your pleasure. Rabbits and other dildo vibrators are often used to penetrate and there is the extra bonus of good vibrations!

2. Dildos

There are all kinds of dildos ranging from the small ones to large ones, ones with wider girths and they all are made of different materials—glass, wood, silicone, even stainless steel. Some look like animals, some are double ended and others are meant to resemble an actual penis. A good rule to keep in mind when considering if a dildo will fit in either you or your partner is the two finger rule; typically the width of your index finger and middle finger together is a good gauge to determine the width of a dildo that would fit comfortably.

3. Strap-ons

Strap-ons refer to a dildo placed in a harness that you can wear around your waist (like putting on underwear or shorts) that you can use to penetrate your partner. Again, a wide range of dildos can typically fit into a harness to make a strap-on. Male-bodied and female-bodied individuals can wear a strap-on or be penetrated by one; male-bodied individuals can use one to double penetrate their female-bodied partners.

4. Anal toys (beads and butt plugs)

Anal beads are usually a string of silicone beads that are all attached and can be used in a variety of ways. Some individuals like to put all the beads in and pull them out either quickly or slowly. Be careful with any anal toys that do not have a flanged base (butt plugs are flanged); otherwise they may become stuck in your partner’s anus if you let go of those toys, which would not be good! Butt plugs are great for that double penetration (without the thrusting) feel while giving the sensation of fullness at the same time. Other anal toys include prostate simulators that can be used on male-bodied individuals to stimulate their prostates which can lead to more intense orgasms.

5. Paddles/floggers

These toys are super fun for the masochist in your life who likes to be spanked or flogged (that person may be you!). Paddles can be made of wood, plastic, leather etc. and floggers can be made of leather or horse hair, I have even seen floggers made out of electric cables. Some people may disagree with how I put paddles and floggers together in my list, but generally paddles and floggers can hit a larger surface of the body and provide more of a “thud” upon contact which some people may prefer over a crop for example. If you have never used a paddle or flogger before, go slow and frequently check in with the person you are using the toy on to make sure they are finding it pleasurable during the first few times you use it. If they aren’t, listen to their direction about how to make it better (their direction may also be to tell you to stop using the paddle or flogger on them, which is okay too).

6. Crops/whips

Crops and whips often cause a more piercing or “sharp” pain when they come in contact with your skin when your partner uses a crop on the backs of your legs or across your butt. Similarly to floggers, crops and whips can be made out of leather materials or hides of animals like cowhide or bullhide. Again, be careful when first getting accustomed to using a whip or crop properly and check in with your partner as you explore. Some whips have long tails so make sure that you have enough room to use the whips too.

7. Handcuffs/bondage tape

Handcuffs and other forms of bondage, like rope or bondage tape (that only sticks to itself and nothing else, like your sheets or your skin) can be great fun! Handcuffs can be made of plastic or metal and other bondage materials could be rope, zip ties, neck ties or even other articles of clothing or accessories around your home. Again, make sure you and your partner are checking in with each other about if you/they still want to be tied up. Sometimes planning out or contracting about how long you/your partner will be tied up for can relieve some anxiety about being tied up. Safe words could be helpful when playing around with bondage, if you/your partner uses the decided upon safe word, it’s time to untie them.

8. (Ball) Gags

Gags are commonly made of leather of other flexible materials and there usually is some sort of buckle in the back so the gag stays tight around your face and mouth without being too tight or too loose. Gags can also be household items too, like a scarf. However, be careful that the gag you use is not suffocating your partner or severely limiting their air intake. Safe gestures, instead of safe words, may be useful when using gags, as your partner may not be able to clearly verbalize a safe word. Instead, they may hold up a fist or an open palm to alert you that they need to be checked in with.

9. Blindfolds

Blindfolds can be great for sensory deprivation to heighten arousal for your partner, so they don’t quite know where you will kiss or touch them next. Blindfolds can be something as simple as a scarf or neck tie covering your eyes or it could be a blindfold that you purchase that is perhaps made of leather or can be securely tied around your head so it does not slip off during play. Safe words can be helpful when using blindfolds so you know when to relieve your partner.

10. Cock rings

Cock rings can be used to prolong a male-bodied person’s erection during play time; they can be made out of plastic, silicone or metal. Word to the wise though, be cautious about using cock rings the first few times as some of them may be challenging to take off, depending on the materials used.

Now that you have a little bit of background information about sex toys, go out and try some of these on yourself! You can make your own sex toys using simple products at home (like tying up your partner with a neck tie or a scarf; safely and consensually of course), go to your closest sex toy shop to explore in person or purchase toys online. Once you have brought your toys home, be sure to take good care of them: wash them after each use and store them in a safe, dry area. Do be extra careful and make sure that silicone toys aren’t stored with other silicone toys or lube as these may ruin the toys and you definitely would not like that to happen. Now, go have fun!

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October 1, 2014