SimplySxy

Author: Nicole Nelson

  • Sex Positivity Movement- Being Optimistic in the Real Sense

    Sex Positivity Movement- Being Optimistic in the Real Sense

    With all of the blogs, websites, YouTube pages and Tumblrs out there, it wouldn’t take long for someone to come across any page dedicated to sexuality and promotions of sex positivity. Thanks to the beautiful thing called the internet almost anyone can join in on these discussions about sexuality and attempt to promote sex positive messages. But what is sex positivity? Is there sex negativity?

    Let’s start with a simple lesson on when the sex positive movement was initiated. The sex positive movement is a social, cultural and political movement that started (depending on who you talk to) in the 1960s around the “free love” movement. Sex positivity, back then and today is focused on pushing back on the “traditional” or “conservative” views of sexuality, in all of its expressions, as “bad” or “wrong.” So technically there is a social negativity movement which basically shames anything other than heterosexual sex for procreative purposes.

    So what is sex positivity??? The sex positivity movement in short aims to promote safe, informed, consensual sex for all expressions of sexuality. The movement also promotes embracing one’s sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. So if you are a male bodied individual who likes to wear women’s clothing while being tied up and tickled with a feather tickler by your female-bodied partner in order to get off, the sex positivity movement says that that is okay and how you have fun sexually should not be considered better or less than how others have fun sexually.

    This way of looking at gender and sexuality attempts to show that sexuality can be a hugely positive piece of an individual’s life and identity and does not have to feel shameful or wrong. So long as we are educated and informed about the sex we are having and are practicing it safely, providing that it is consensual. Individuals and sex positive organizations are promoting these ideas largely though sex education which aims to teach and empower individuals about the kind of sex they are having or want to have. Learning information about how not to get pregnant or impregnate a partner, what toys to use with your partner, how to talk about consent, how to partake in anal play safely, can be important to know about before partaking sexual play. Knowledge is sexy after all.

    Despite all the sexual diversity promoting and sexual acceptance the sex positivity movement has to offer, it is important to have a critique of sex positivity as well. The sex positive movement has been criticized for being a largely white, able-bodied, cisgender, middle/upper class movement that sometimes has trouble hearing the stories of trans individuals, people of color, those who have a disability, or those who are asexual and may not participate in sexual acts but still have a sexuality. It is important to keep in mind that carrying the label of a sex positive individual has a lot of responsibility and the label alone is not enough to make one sex positive. All of us sex positive people should work hard to not glamorize the kind of sex we have, while ignoring or shaming the kind of sex others have, and should continuously make room for the groups of people (like trans people of color) who may not feel that the sex positive movement includes them. We all should be able to feel great about the kind of sex we’re having and the sex positivity movement could help get us there.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Feminist Porn: Orgasmic, Honest and Empowering!

    Feminist Porn: Orgasmic, Honest and Empowering!

    Pornography is one of those hot-button issues (like abortion or same-sex marriage) that many people are markedly divided on: you’re either pro or anti-porn. This division is largely influenced by feminism and women’s movements (which men can be a part of too!) which proclaim that mainstream porn is produced by men, for men, which leads to the objectification and (non-consensual) humiliation of women. However there is hope; there is feminist porn!

    Unfortunately, the proclamation about mainstream porn being objectifying and demeaning of women is pretty accurate. Watch any heterosexual porn; it is easy to see that the woman’s sexual needs and pleasure are not a priority.  The “male gaze” of the camera portrays women as objects because the camera largely focuses on the women’s body parts (her breasts or vagina), instead as a whole. For those of you who are unsure, this is a prime example of objectification; depicting a woman as disjointed body parts, not as a person.  She is not seen as a sexual being with her own sexual needs. Even lesbian mainstream porn is created for men’s pleasure and still is not focused on female desire or showing women as whole women. The viewer primarily only sees fingers going into vaginas or tongues licking clits—not good!

    Don’t worry, feminist porn is here to save the female orgasm … I mean day! What is feminist porn you ask?  Feminist porn is made by feminists (mostly women, but that’s not always the case) and attempts to give the audience what mainstream porn doesn’t—real people sometimes of different gender identities and sizes having real sex. Feminist porn likes to show real foreplay, real sex, and real orgasms. The viewer can see the individuals and partners not just as a vagina or a penis but as a person with different sexual desires or kinks.

    How do feminist porn directors and producers show the audience real and not produced or forced sexuality? Well for starters, feminist pornographers are usually advocates of better wages and conditions for actors and actresses. Makes sense right? Better conditions to have sex, more freedom to voice concerns about the scene (i.e. wanting to wear a condom) and higher pay would make any employee feel better about their job and probably increase morale and productivity too.

    In addition, feminist porn loves to showcase different kinds of actors and actresses. It can be difficult to find trans, gender fluid, gender bending or queer actors in mainstream porn, but there are plenty of queer folks in feminist porn who love to have sexy fun too. Mainstream porn can seem limited with the actors they showcase; they are mostly White, able-bodied individuals and often straight-identifying people play gay, lesbian or bi-roles. In feminist porn there are queer-identifying people playing queer-identified roles, which also adds to the authenticity of the porn.

    Feminist porn also likes to bring gender and social issues to center stage in some of the filming by highlighting disability, gender and/or sex roles. Having actors who have disabilities, androgynous (having masculine and feminine characteristics) or show actors in non-traditional power roles (like having a woman cum on a man) can push the cultural norms of what it means to be beautiful, powerful or sexually active.

    Don’t be mistaken, feminist porn is not just for women or activists or queer people though. Feminist porn has a wide range of genres with an even wider range of actors to play in the scenes. There are sensual scenes like mutual masturbation between a woman and her male partner to an orgy scene with five men and women using gadgets such as ball-gags and crops while playing. There’s definitely something that would tickle almost anyone’s fancy.

    This is just a glimpse into what feminist porn has to offer. Feminist porn wants to expand the audience’s ideas about desire, sexuality, beauty, gender, and power through revolutionary film-making with happy, consenting and sometimes gender bending actors. It’s all about empowerment both for the actors and producers, as well as for the audience.  To watch some awesome feminist porn, check out the following links:

    Gooddykeporn.com
    Indiepornrevolution.com
    Brightdesire.com

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

    In tomorrow’s special, we speak to Mike Kulich, founder and chairman of adult entertainment company Monarchy Distribution.

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  • Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

    Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

    If you are a curious beginner looking to explore the multiple facets of kink with your partner, whether that means buying your first set of handcuffs or acting out an intense fantasy, there are three guidelines to start you off…to get you off.

    Communication with your partner is crucial to having a good kinky time.  If this is your first time expanding your sexuality and testing your comfort zone then there is a lot to talk about with your partner.  It can be a little awkward at first to address these sometimes new and edgy topics, and that’s okay.  You’re allowed to feel a little uncomfortable.  Start out slow when addressing kink with your partner; maybe mention you read an article or an erotic story online about some light bondage and a blindfold and were wondering if your partner would be open to tying you up (or vice versa) with a tie or fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolding you with a scarf.  Sometimes it is easier to begin with small changes to your sexual routine to get more comfortable, before experimenting with more intense changes, like replacing that scarf or fuzzy handcuffs with rope or leather bonds.

    It also can be helpful to give each other a verbal outline of what will happen (at least the first few times) so there are no surprises that your partner may not be expecting or enjoy.  For example, if you are tying your partner up and then blindfolding them, explain to them how and what you will tie them up with, and explain that you can stop at any time if you or your partner becomes uncomfortable.  Talking it out is a great way to reduce any stress or nervousness you or your partner may experience during this new adventure you are embarking on together.

    Consent is also a critical piece of kinky exploration that ties (pun intended) in well with communicating with your partner.  Consent is so important for you and your partner’s sexual experience.  After talking to your partner about wanting to trying that light bondage, or wanting to be blindfolded for a little sensory deprivation if your partner does not want to try those things you need to respect that.  Consensual sex is the best kind of sex, and if your partner feels obligated or bullied into trying these kinds of things, it likely will not be enjoyable for either one of you and will not make for promising sexual exploration in the future.  If at first your partner does not seem too keen on the idea of incorporating these new kinky ideas into your sexual repertoire, that’s okay.  You might try showing your partner that article or erotic story you read that gave you the idea in the first place, or looking into some literature for kinky beginners.

    If after reading up on kink through articles, books, or erotica and your partner is still hesitant, you should respect that and just give it some time.  Let the conversation rest for a while, maybe your partner is stressed at work currently or is having difficulty within their family.  Showing you respect their decision and/or can wait for other areas of their life to settle down will show your partner you respect them and honour their consent, and may keep your partner’s mind open to consenting to some kinky fun in the future.

    Lastly, after you have discussed what you are going to try with your partner, how you are going to try it, and have received verbal and (maybe a little nervous) enthusiastic consent, you need to keep safety and sanitation in mind as well.  This basically means using safe products for you and your partner, and to have a basic understanding of the kinky toys you might try using before actually using them on your partner.  For example, if you are going to use handcuffs, make sure you know how to easily get in and out of them.  Or, if you are going to use any sex toys like vibrators or dildos, make sure you know what they are made out of and know if those materials are healthy for you and your partner (be aware of latex and other kinds of allergies).  After you are done using toys, make sure to wash and store them properly too for next time.

    A final word on safety; depending on what you are choosing to explore sexually with your partner, having a safe word may be beneficial.  Having a safe word, like “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down, or something silly like “watermelon”, can give you and your partner confidence and security in your kinky exploration.  If what you are experimenting with gets too intense for one of you, you can stop whenever you want by using your word.

    Keeping these three simple rules in mind: open communication, consent and safety for you and your partner while you begin to experiment and broaden your sexy horizons, will hopefully lead you both to a healthy, confident, (kinkily) blossoming sexuality.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • You Have More than One Partner? : An Intro to Non-Monogamy

    You Have More than One Partner? : An Intro to Non-Monogamy

    Girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, and wives, generally when we picture these relationships in our minds, we think of them as including just two partners.  Ah, but that’s where we may benefit from expanding our lovey imaginations.  These types of “typical” boyfriend-girlfriend, girlfriend-girlfriend, and boyfriend-boyfriend etc. relationships are called monogamous relationships.  However there are several other relationship styles that people choose to participate in that include more than two partners, these are called non-monogamous relationships.

    When someone says they are in a non-monogamous relationship, that could mean one of several things.  They could be in a casual, open, swinging, polygamist, or polyamorous relationship.  There are several other variations of non-monogamous relationships, but for the purposes of this article, we will just stick to these five common types.  Everyone has different definitions to go along with these types of commitments, but here is a general definition break down of all the ways people get their lovin’:

    Monogamous – Most of us are pretty familiar with this one, but just to be clear…a monogamous relationship is a sexually and emotionally exclusive relationship between two partners where there is an agreement that the partners will be committed to each other and have no outside partners.  If there are outside partners, this is generally considered cheating or being unfaithful.

    Casual – Generally, there is no sexual, emotional or romantic commitment in casual relationships.  However, there is at least an emotional or sexual bond or attraction between the partners.  In short, the partners get along together really well and are sexually and/or emotionally compatible; they just don’t expect commitment from each other.

    Open – This relationship style is a bit more flexible such that its definition can change depending on the couple.  A good rule of thumb definition is this: an open relationship is between two partners who have decided that they will both have outside sexual partners while remaining emotionally exclusive with each other.  Some choose to have a “don’t ask don’t tell” or a “not in our house/bed” policy about their outside partners, but again it depends on the couple.  Also, things such as STDs/STIs and sexual safety concerns are also generally talked about regularly within open relationships.

    Swinging – Can sometimes be known as “partner swapping” and/or a social activity, where a committed couple has decided to have sex with other single partners or couples; sexually engaging with these outside couples generally happens as a couple.  Often, swinger couples find like-minded play partners through swinger meet up groups or websites.

    Polygamy – This type of relationship has seen a lot of attention lately through the reality shows such as Sister Wives or My Five Wives. Polygamy generally consists of one person (typically this person is a male) who has married several spouses (generally females), this specific type of polygamy is called polygyny (man marrying multiple women).  A rarer form of polygamy is polyandry (woman marrying multiple men).

    Polyamory – This may be the most complex of the non-monogamous relationships because polyamory tends to take on more of a fluid/flexible approach to relationships, while also having its own set of boundaries.  Simply, polyamory can involve an individual who has multiple sexual/emotional/intimate partners with none of those partners taking priority over the others.  Another form of polyamory includes primary and secondary partners; where a couple is each other’s primary partner, and both of them date secondary partners.  Of course, there is the possibility of primary partners becoming secondary partners and vice versa, or having an intermingling of lovers and partners.

    There you have it, your first introduction and glimpse into different types of non-monogamous relationships.  Gives a new meaning to the more the merrier, yeah?

    Nicole Nelson, Freelancer