SimplySxy

Author: Mistress Serene

  • Desire

    Desire

    I want to be desired deeply as I desire.  I want to be touched with the longing of the continuous curiosity of my flesh, mind and soul.  To be consumed in passion is like a good high.  Better than alcohol or weed and as strong as dancing to Pink’s “Raise Your Glass” at full blast.  Sometimes I get that feeling of desire when I am in the eyes of a purser.  That man or woman who wants to be inside of you; that feeling is awesome.  The object of desire, the object of the chase.  Right now as I write this in a remote part of Northern Thailand, the only ones desiring me like their life depending on it are the mosquitoes.

    So in the wee hours before dawn when I awoke again with this hunger for desire, I had to ask the hard question.  Am I desirable?  My first thought was to look in the mirror.  But I know what I look like and what I can look like when I primp.  Self-improvement of the physical body is not the means to the end I desire.  And attraction for my physical beauty is not my aim.  Desire is deeper when it’s internal heat that is generated.  Beyond the pretty surface there is something more.  Something I want this person to want with me; not of me.

    So I dig a little deeper and look at what I’m desiring.  I desire the heavens.  The knowledge and the ability to walk among the stars, galaxies and planets of other worlds.  My curiosity is for more beauty.  Though every day I try to soak in the beauty of this planet, I desire more.  Am I greedy?  I suppose I am.  And I desire someone who has the same desires.  The passion that pulls us through the worm holes and vortexes together in an orgasmic arch!  Whew that’s a good fantasy for me.  But where and how?

    Recently I heard a senior instructor at Taoist retreat espouse the goals of the Taoist life: health, wealth and longevity.  My thought was then what?  And is that all you got? They have exercises that frankly sound and look silly to my western mind, but if believed and practised, I’m sure you will feel better and live longer.

    BDSM has taught me that to create a continuous stream of desire, you leave when it’s still hot.  As we say ‘always leave them wanting more’.  But that’s a good scenario for play, not for relating.  Your partner gets focused on what’s in your toy bag of tricks and you can easily become the puppet for kinky play.

    A partner said to me once: I share who I am when I’m comfortable they like me.  That stopped me cold as I wondered who did I just like then if that wasn’t the real you?  I know the answer; it’s our Sunday best behavior we all put on.  It’s the courting ritual of mating and fear of rejection crap we all have to wade through, but that false start is limiting.  And then we wonder what happened to the person we first met and liked.  Where did they go?

    My mother taught me to play hard to get.  That way I string along the desire until I get the man with a wedding band.  What Mother didn’t tell me was that I was also trapped in that band. And desire is almost totally lost once the wedding bed becomes a marriage.   For that reason I knew I couldn’t marry someone I had not slept with prior to the legal agreement.  A bad lover is one of the rings of hell in my book.  I can only compare it to country and western music sung by drunk foreigners with bad breath and ugly feet.

    So what are we to do?  Pursue our personal desires is my solution with the expectation that you’ll find an equally hungry partner along the way.  That also fulfils for me, the desire for more answers to my curious mind, more beauty for my hungry eyes and more dance for my soul.  Okay let me make a plug for the ecstatic dance scene for a minute.  It’s a bunch of white folks for the most part cutting loose in semi darkness without judgement about their rhythm and skill.  Very nice once you get the hang of it. Get in your own corner of “don’t care what you look like and just move so it feels good within.”  If you can find a class at a yoga studio go, or better yet turn on your favourite music and create an event yourself.  Invite a friend or two over and really let loose.

    Dig deeper in your soul for the art inside of you and produce it.  We all have some creative talent.  It’s part of the packaging like two ears, lungs, liver etc. we are born that way.  I can’t paint but I can collect beautiful art.  My grammar sucks but I love writing.  I have rhythm but Alvin Alley won’t be calling me for an audition.  I love hosting a beautiful dinner party but Martha Stewart I’m not.  Great philosophical thought makes me wet, but didactic discussions like politics dries up the pussy.  Focus on what stirs you and go do it.  I’ve satisfied a bit of my desire by writing this piece and sharing it with you.  I hope it creates the same desires to fulfil for yourself.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • The Morning After Sex

    The Morning After Sex

    Was it good for you?  That should be the first question that comes to mind after a night of sex with a new partner.  You can rate it 1-10 if you like, but you may find the feelings are more like “Hell Yeah!” you don’t want it to end, or what the hell was I thinking?  Or how drunk was I?  Or worse, I thought that was going to be good sex.  Let’s look at what to do before and after:

    Hell Yeah, that was great and I hope we can do it again soon.  Well then do.  Touch your partner again and let new sparks fly with the lights on, I bet it will be even better.  Either way, pull out another condom or the first one if you forgot last night and smile.  Don’t be afraid to make the first move now, I think you’ve successfully made a home run and you can go up to bat again, unless of course there is work or school responsibilities which either of you have to get too.   If so, tell your partner you would love to do it again if it’s true, but you gotta go.  Elayne Boosler does a comedy routine about a female walking home from an all nighter in her skimpy black dress in the morning that’s pretty funny to have in your head while you make your exit.  Accept that your partner may have to run or may not feel the same about the night.  If so, be gracious say thanks for the good time you had and leave.  Don’t lie with an ‘I’ll call you’, just don’t.

    How drunk was I?  Alcohol, weed or other drugs helps you drop your guard and your judgement.  Or as my Mom would say, ‘you loose your good sense along with your drawers (panties)’.  You may be drunk but there is no reason to take stupid risks.  Use your drunkness to help you relax and get past your fears of trying something or someone new, asking the Tough Questions and learning more about your partner.   The downside of not asking are quite serious so let’s look at the way to make them opportunities:

    • Did you talk about safe sex?  Use your uninhibited boldness for good and blurt it out: ‘Are you disease free?’ or ‘Is there something I should know about sex with you?’
    • Did you use protection?  Again, automatic behaviours like pulling out the condoms or dental dam from your purse or pocket makes it clear that you play safe.
    • What’s in it for me?  My husband taught me this one, that if you don’t ask, you don’t get.  So if the kissing is good and you are feeling the heat of passion, whisper in the ear that sexual move that really rocks your boat and guarantees a happy ending for you.  Then ask what they like as well.
    • Where we going?  This is a toughie when you are young and living at home.  If it’s his place, you gotta have a back up plan.  Back in the 80’s when I started, stumbling into a guys trashy apartment was such a turn off, I was afraid to turn on the lights.  And when morning came I was so grossed out that I left right away.  But if either of your places is out of the question, the back of a car option will have to do.  It’s a classic place if you have a car, and then you only have to worry about location.  Keep a pillow, blanket, condom, and tissues for clean up at all times in the car please!  Stay in the parking lot with the other night partiers is better than driving off to some place darker and quieter where the cops or burglars may interrupt you.

    I thought this was going to be good sex.  But instead it was like flopping around with a dying or dead fish.  Good sex is a skill that takes practice.  Nobody starts off as a great lover, so going slow and enjoying the steps of building passion is the best advise I can give you for knowing what you like and learning what your partner likes.  Good sex in my bed means both partners had an orgasm inducing experience.   And if you didn’t orgasm and your partner did and fell asleep right away, that makes for a long uncomfortable night of not sleeping and getting mad when they start to snore.   So let’s go back and analyse this one:

    1.  If you can ask for a drink, you can ask for an orgasm.  Remember what my husband said, you gotta ask for what you want.  I know by now you can order off a menu, so you also need to ask for the experience you want to have.  You have a fantasy about what great sex will be like, so share your fantasy.  Whisper it in your partners ear prior to removing clothes so it gives them time to think and plan better or ask you for details.  Communication is Sexy.  Anyway you say it, shy, bold, flirty is adding the instructions to create a good experience.

    2.  No two bodies are alike.  Your erogenous zones are not like the others.  Again, you wouldn’t know if you don’t ask.  Play the game, ‘how does this feel?’  Try something, get a response and then say ‘your turn’.  This gets you in the practice of exploring the right direction instead of wasting time irritating your partner with the wrong stroke, while they are silently hoping you’ll change positions or move to something else.

    3.  Don’t stop talking now.  Speak up once you get into bed.  “Stay here”, “move to the left”, “sit back a little”, “touch me back please”.  All these key phrases go a long way in getting a mutually satisfying experience.  I think the biggest mistake couples make is that they stop talking when they get in bed together.  You can’t go into automatic pilot now, you both have to steer to get where you want to go.

    4.  If you are with a dead fish, pause for a moment and ask if they are comfortable and where they would like to be touched or what would feel good for them.  They may not know so play the ‘how does this feel game’ and get the communication going.  If you are with a flopping fish ask them to lay back and let you play a little more.  It’s your way of taking the lead and taking the pressure off your partner’s urgency to get there orgasm.

    Remember, your first priority is YOU. Your satisfaction, health, respect, feelings.  That will take communicating with your partner on how to get there and in turn, you both learn how to take care of yourself.  That way they don’t have to wish they read this article because you’ve just trained them.

    The Tough Questions – Pregnancy, STD’s, Marks, Bruises or Pain.  These are all serious morning-after questions and you can avoid most of them if you communicate before hand.  Informed consent is the responsibility of both partners.  Making the decision to have sex is something you do before, as it saves on the regrets later.

    Will they call again?  Maybe, but the question for you is ‘was the experience worth repeating?’  Did you want more just like it was or did you hope to improve it next time?  Look at the experience as a one time event and judge whether you would do it again based on what you know now.  If you liked it, be thankful and the opportunity for it repeating will come again.  If not, focus on what shifts you need to make to get the experience you want.  You want to repeat the fun experiences, not the bad ones so learn from them and make it the best sex ever!

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

    Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

     

    Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

    Ready for a new emotion?  Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”.  It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

    So why am I jealous?  As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving.  But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

    Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn.  I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does.  After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode.  Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks.  That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

    I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack.  Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go.  I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break.  But how could I break free of the green stain?

    With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm.  I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change.  At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy.  Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

    “Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.  This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

    Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else?  Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love.  Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge.  I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

    Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs.  Philia is the bond of friendship.
  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship.  (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

    There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

    Storge is the familial love of parent to child.  Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined.  It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

    Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship.  We can replace jealousy with joy.

    You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion.  Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college.  There is pride of being a part of making that success happen.  And I like being a part of someone’s success.

    Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution.  By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts.  If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

    Now have I done it?  Not every time, but I’m working on it.  It’s not like one day you wake up compersed.  It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice.  And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it.  I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there.  No need to replay the old tapes.  My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger.  I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well.  It’s that simple and that difficult.  But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

    Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Is Cock and Ball Torture for You?

    Is Cock and Ball Torture for You?

    Don’t ask me why some men like having their naughty bits punished with cock and ball torture (CBT), but they do.  And my favourite bottoms are the ones that really, really do.

    So picture the scene: I’m at my favourite dungeon on a Saturday night.

    In walks a 4B – Beautiful, Buff, Bald, and Black, I call this the 4B’s of Destiny, because he is, destined to play with Me.  Then picture him naked.  His brains, name or height don’t matter, just enjoy him oiled up and blindfolded.

    I check the time, this scene could last two hours and since I didn’t get a nap before starting to play at 11:30 pm, two hours of intense poking, slapping, hitting, pumping, and twisting can wear me out.  Then we must be in a space conducive to fluid spillage, arm and leg room to swing and kick, and seating and/or laying options.  I like my bottoms to be as comfortable as possible for the pain I inflict.

    Nerve endings are beautiful things.  The more sensitive the skin area is, the more nerve bundles there are to play with.  They register pain and pleasure faster, and when syncopation occurs, the nerves can no longer distinguish pain from pleasure.  Just watching the body writhing in reaction to the stimulus of slaps, strokes, or bites can bring the utmost delight.

    Since I’m in the mood for stingy vs. thuddy pain tonight, I choose my instruments carefully.  Knives are the first course to start my encounter with his skin.  I trail the cool flat stainless steel blade slowly, watch the skin and fine hairs prickle in response.  Then I dip the tip, creating pools of just enough pressure but not enough to pierce through the skin.  Whether I use one blade or two, I create a symmetrical dance undulating across the smooth surface.  I put on a pair of my Love Bites Vampire Gloves and lightly touch flesh.  His skin is all goose bumps now, and I head to his throbbing cock.  He’s uncut, and the extra sensitivity is what will drive him crazy with craving and mad with the intense pleasure.  I slowly wrap my hand around the head, pulling the foreskin.  He jumps and then leans into the gloves’ grip.  He tosses his head back and forth, shaking it violently to clear the flood of chemicals in which he is now drowning.  His body has signalled that I have him where I want him.  Skin shudders as the nerve endings are sending both pleasure and pain messages to the brain.

    A study from Radboud University Nijmegen in the Netherlands shows that men’s cognitive performances were impaired when they were around women.  I was shooting for maximum cognitive failure, and the limpness of his arms, the surrendering of his cock to my use, made it clear he was mine to do with as I pleased.

    It felt like I raced through the next hour and a half, teasing his flesh, making his body arch and moan.  His pool of pre-cum made a sticky mess everywhere.  I knew he was aching to cum and each time the tip of a blade crossed the tip of his cock or my gloves gripped his cock hard and stroked, he would spurt a little more pre-cum.

    Now he was ready to be mounted.  I instructed him to stand, his eyes barely coherent to my instructions, gave him water to drink, and then forced him to his knees facing my “bro” cock.  He dined hungrily on it, moaning in pleasure and stroking his own cock.

  • You Need Orgasms

    You Need Orgasms

    We are all born with functioning sexual organs designed to supply natural pleasure for the body.  Some of us get lucky and get both sets, but that has its challenges as well.  Discovery Channel aired a documentary on women’s orgasms.  The scientists gave a woman an MRI while she masturbated and watched her during orgasm light up over eighty sections of the brain, providing it with oxygen and nutrients. That means we feed the brain every time we orgasm.  It makes perfect sense, since we are designed to procreate.  We signal the body to stay healthy, useful, and regenerative, as orgasm is still needed for reproductive purposes.

    An old wives tale goes like this:  If you put a penny in a jar every time you make love during the first year of marriage, then take a penny out of that jar every time you make love for the rest of your marriage, there’ll still be enough money left for the flowers at your funeral. We are designed to fuck.  Our culture has controlled our procreation urges.  We are taught to disapprove anything beyond those created rules.  That’s not healthy for us.

    Our closest genealogical relative is the Bonobo monkey, and they fuck everything all the time and, guess what, they are the most peaceful creatures.  We could learn something from our ancestors.

    We are sensual beings, all desiring the positive elements of our senses:  Food and drink with taste; pleasant floral, musky smells for our noses; art in whatever form of beauty the eyes perceive; music, rhythmic sounds, soft voice, lectures, poetry for the auditory; the written word for the auditory digital; and human touch and other kinesthetic experiences that give us physical pleasure.

    Dacher Keltner, in his book Born To Be Good, teaches us the biological importance of emotional pleasure for the physical body.  His understanding of the common emotions represented across all humans and mammals alike, showed the clear natural values we should give to pleasure.  It is innate to our being …

    Followed finally by the erotic.  This is a learned skill.   Not developed until some level of maturity of the individual.  Many of us don’t reach it till our maternal and paternal duties are over with.  The kids are gone, leaving the bored husband and wife looking at each other wondering, Is this it?  The unfulfilled fantasies come back with a vengeance, and like a bad cold, they won’t release you till they have left your body.

    It’s the way the body signals it’s time for growth.  Fantasy, like dreams, are a way the body communicates a need to you.  Have you ever had a dream that keeps returning?  Does it get louder each time, turning into a nightmare?  Dream research teaches you that you are ignoring something when the dream gets louder.  If, for instance, you are getting chased constantly in your dreams, then you are running from something.  Dreams provide a metaphor to the emotional issues in your life.

    Fantasy represents emotional hunger.  It allows our bodies to come into the yin-yang balance of our natures.  We desire and fantasize about emotional states of pleasure we would like to be in.  The most common in the kink community, because of the size of the population, is the heterosexual male’s desire to be in submission, laying down the burden of making all the decisions.

    I have often thought that women of my generation have been afforded the luxury of choice by taking the easier road.  They cry, “Just tell me to do what I want to do.”  And you know what?  I would have cried that plea too, but I like making decisions.  As with gambling, I don’t always win and the losses are sometimes painful, but I own them all.  And that’s why I’m a Domina that needs an occasional switch opportunity to rest my weary head upon.  I’m the better for having loved and loss.

    Both sexes in all cultures have ways to go in learning how to be comfortable in our alignments.  The Northern European cultures, which threw out the hard liner religious views and have adopted open sexuality and drug use, still boast the lowest crime rates.  You would think we could learn from that.  Our dogmatic religious beliefs have atrophied the brain[1].  And we simply get stuck in stupid.

    [1] Owen AD, Hayward RD, Koenig HG, Steffens DC, Payne ME (2011) Religious Factors and Hippocampal Atrophy in Late Life. PLoS ONE 6(3): e17006. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0017006

     
     
    Namaste,
     
    Phyllis Rawley
  • Spank Me Again Please

    Spank Me Again Please

    My husband has the delightfully annoying habit of spanking one cheek and then walking away.  He knows I love symmetry and that I will chase ‘Him’ around the house positioning my fanny for him to spank the other cheek.  It’s annoying because my body is craving a little more sensual satisfaction and it’s fun that I have to go and ask for it after the first teaser swat.

    So what’s in the spank that keeps me coming back for more?  Well it’s really about position and intensity.  There is so much more pleasure to be gained from this disciplinary tact from childhood.   This is not the wailing, crying spanking from your childhood designed for pure pain and obedience, this is the grown up make it ‘hurt so good’ version.

    Butt Primer:

    Your glutemus maximus is a nice range of muscles covered with a light or heavy layer of fat.  You want to aim for the muscle as the tendons don’t offer much but a sting and an ouch.   Always aim for the muscles.

    1

    The really good news is that our butt cheeks have a ‘sweet spot’ or a shelf that thanks to our creator creates a sexual stimulus from intense impact.

    2

    Where is the sweet spot?  It is the reverse shelf.  The space between the depth of the buttocks and the depth of the thigh.  That’s the location of the most pleasure in a spanking.  Too high up on the buttocks it stings a LOT, to far around the sides your spanking the tendons and bones.  Hitting bone hurts you more than the spankee or bottom.

    I like symmetry, so if you spank the left cheek four times in a row, the right cheek will be waiting it’s turn.

    Developing a rhythm when you spank is easier with music, find an upbeat song with a rhythmic beat you like.   Anticipation is part of the excitement of a good spanking.  Once a cheek is stimulated the pleasure takes a minute to realize.  So spank and wait.  Let the spankee get a moment to absorb the impact and let the endorphins begin to come to the aid of the pain with yummy feel good chemicals.  You can notice this on the bottom by watching how the cheeks relax after spanking.  Watch carefully and alternate between spanking, kneading and stroking.  You want to knead the flesh you’ve just spanked so it distributes the endorphin chemicals deeper into the tissue.  That will allow you to spank longer and more enjoyably.  Stroking the surface will send chills of pleasure to the bottom and when you have a good combination of spank, knead and stroke you can be sure you’ll produce the wetness that makes this play a great starter for sex.   A well spanked bottom definitely improves the penetration stimulus from any position you choose.

    So happy spanking. Check out this music video for some inspired spanking music from Bulgarian hottie Emanuela. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCa9_5l-EGA

  • It’s Only Kinky The First Time

    It’s Only Kinky The First Time

    Hi there,

    When the creators asked me to write a column for Smply Sxy, I thought what else is there to say about kink exploration that you haven’t heard before?  Then it hit me, maybe you hadn’t heard what I’ve researched and learned from half a century of kinky play.   In Los Angeles, we have dozens of public play dungeons, nightclubs and private play parties to keep you out every night of the week.  It’s a weekly competition to do something new in the kink scene here.

    file2901246197549I frequently receive email and calls from people looking to explore that secret sexual desire that is just beyond the normal penetrative sexual experience.   I call it your ‘kinky itch’ that won’t go away.   We know that the way to mastery is through information and practice and with kink it’s just a lot more fun doing the lab work.  By expanding your erotic intelligence you grow a new set of intellectual muscles, intuitive skills, emotional connections and spiritual resonance.

    When you begin your exploration of kinky sexuality you pursue better health.  Psychologist Esther Perel in her book “Mating In Captivity” describes sexual fantasy as important and necessary to feed our ‘emotional hunger’.

    Sexual fantasy is like a dream.  Dreams are the subconscious way of communicating your emotions and issues in metaphor and stories that hopefully you can interpret.  Ignore the dream and they get stronger and can become nightmares or a repeated story that won’t go away.   Pursuing the ‘kink itch’ feeds the emotional need and curiosity your body is expressing.

    How kinky are you?  Well there are thousands of fetishes, some healthy, others not.  You need more than sexual drive to manoeuvre through what works for you and this column will hopefully be that guide and mentor along the way to save you from the bumps in the road.

    So your job is to ask the questions.  Send them anonymously if you like.  I’ll share the answers I have learned and also what I’m hearing, seeing and feeling in the dungeon.

    I aim to be pleased,

    Mistress Serene