SimplySxy

Author: Elizabeth Watt

  • How to dirty talk during sex without offending her

    How to dirty talk during sex without offending her

    I like to have dirty talk during sex but am afraid of getting carried away. Will she be turned off or offended if I started calling her a slut or dirty whore in the midst of it?

    Dirty talk can be fun and there are many different forms of it. The type of “degrading dirty talk” you mention – telling your partner they are “dirty” or “a slut” is one type that some people enjoy. Another type of dirty talk can be more “in the moment, descriptive” – saying out loud what you are physically doing to your partner, what you want them to do, what you would like to do to them (“I want to f*ck you so hard, I want to put my tongue there,” etc.).

    An essential element when using dirty talk to make sure that your partner won’t be turned off or offended (or potentially traumatized) is to ask for their consent. Before you start engaging physically, mention that you enjoy dirty talk and maybe give an example of the things you like to say. Allow your partner time to consider if this is okay and to let you know if they are into it as well. If they are not comfortable with being called specific things, trying the more “in the moment descriptive” type of dirty talk might be more comfortable.

    It’s important to also make it clear that if your partner is uncomfortable at any time during the dirty talk that they can communicate this to you and you honor that by stopping. By “putting it out there” beforehand you are also emphasizing that this is something that turns you on sexually and is not a fundamental truth (i.e. you do not in reality believe she is a dirty whore).

    Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com!

    Elizabeth is a Clinical Psychologist and psychotherapist in Washington State. She provides therapy and consultation to individuals and couples and is working to become an AASECT-certified Sex Therapist. Her primary interests are romantic and sexual relationships, sexual empowerment and education, the dynamics of communication, and reducing stigma around issues of sexuality and mental health. Get in touch with Elizabeth via email at drelizabethwatt@gmail.com.

    Read the rest of her profile below.

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  • Period Sex: Are You a Blood Hound?

    Period Sex: Are You a Blood Hound?

    I like to have sex with my girlfriend during her period, but have yet to let her know about this fantasy of mine. Does it make me weird and is it a fetish?

    If you do a search online for “blood hounds” you might stumble upon different articles and forums discussing the experience of receiving sexual pleasure from having sex with a partner who is on their period. There are apparently whole groups of (mostly) men who enjoy this experience or even specifically “seek out” women who are on their periods to have sex with them.

    So you ask “does it make me weird?” and I would say “yeah, maybe!” but only because this is not considered in our current society to be a totally generic, “normal” turn-on, which essentially makes it a fetish. That being said, there are apparently many other weirdos out there enjoying this fetish as we speak!

    A side note to this conversation is the issue of safety since, when blood is involved, risk for disease transmission increases greatly. So, make sure you have both been tested, are knowledgeable of each other’s health status, and acknowledge the risk of genital, skin, and mouth contact with blood and the possibility of ingesting blood if oral sex is involved.

    If you want to talk about this particular fetish with your girlfriend (which I think you should), I would approach it by asking her if she is comfortable having sex while she is menstruating. Find out where her comfort lies first and then tailor your conversation towards acknowledging your interest and your desire.

    You can make a judgement about how you want to frame it – telling her you are “turned on” by having sex with her while she is on her period may sound more comfortable then saying you have “a fetish.” Once consent has been established and risks have been acknowledged, enjoy!

    Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com! 

    Elizabeth is a Clinical Psychologist and psychotherapist in Washington State. She provides therapy and consultation to individuals and couples and is working to become an AASECT-certified Sex Therapist. Her primary interests are romantic and sexual relationships, sexual empowerment and education, the dynamics of communication, and reducing stigma around issues of sexuality and mental health. Get in touch with Elizabeth via email at drelizabethwatt@gmail.com.

    Read the rest of her profile below.

    Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock

  • What You Should and Shouldn’t Put Into Your Vagina

    What You Should and Shouldn’t Put Into Your Vagina

    Is putting food into one’s vagina (e.g. cucumbers, bananas) safe even if they have been washed?

    This is a great question since putting things in a vagina can potentially mess with the vagina’s pH balance and irritate/injure the skin, which can then lead to various bacterial and yeast infections. The acidity in some foods used in sexual play is a common cause for these types of infections.

    Solid foods like a cucumber and a banana (with peel intact) are safer as they are less likely to be pushed too far up to reach with a finger or hand or to be forgotten. However, even foods like these that have been washed and scrubbed clean still carry some bacteria, so you are never “completely safe” from potential infection.

    Some people may use food or other household objects for sexual pleasure because they do not have access to or are embarrassed to purchase a sex toy. But with several terrific companies out there selling ethically-made, body-safe toys that you can purchase discretely online, the choice between overcoming some personal nervousness and a potential visit to the emergency room where you attempt to make up some story about how you “fell while preparing a salad” is easy to make.

    For those who specifically enjoy “playing with produce” because it turns them or their partner on, acknowledge the potential risk, clean the item and check for any rough edges or anything that could tear or scratch, and put a condom (or two) on the cucumber!

    Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com! 

    Elizabeth is a Clinical Psychologist and psychotherapist in Washington State. She provides therapy and consultation to individuals and couples and is working to become an AASECT-certified Sex Therapist. Her primary interests are romantic and sexual relationships, sexual empowerment and education, the dynamics of communication, and reducing stigma around issues of sexuality and mental health. Get in touch with Elizabeth via email at drelizabethwatt@gmail.com.

    Read the rest of her profile below.

    Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock

  • 50 Shades of Shame

    50 Shades of Shame

    Many of you at this point have read the book or seen the movie 50 Shades of Grey. And many of you have also read the myriad of criticisms about the story’s problematic messages about romantic relationships and BDSM. Many critics are doing a really good job at pointing out why it is really problematic to view or read 50 Shades of Grey not for enjoyment, but as a “how to” guide for BDSM. Some critics are making really important points about the problems behind having heteronormative, white-washed, undeveloped characters and the message that people who are into BDSM always have abusive childhoods or are otherwise “damaged.” But after reading (and agreeing with) these critiques, I am left feeling unsettled by something. It was not clear to me at first what was unsettling, because I support the arguments and I understand the perspectives of the people who have a problem with the story and the messages it sends to viewers. I realized that the unsettled feeling I was having was shame…because I enjoyed parts of the book and the movie.

    And when I take a closer look at what is making me feel ashamed, I realize that many of the critiques leave me with the message that if I do read the book or watch the movie and I enjoy it, that means I do not understand what healthy sexuality looks like and I need to question why I am turned on by this particular story. If I found some pleasure in reading about how Christian Grey essentially stalked and emotionally coerced Anastasia Steele into being his submissive then I must be a really horrible person, right? This, I believe is why I feel uncomfortable with some of the reactions to 50 Shades of Grey – especially those written by professionals in the field of sexuality. Because in a field where we often do our best to fight against a power that tries to dictate what is sexy and what is “acceptable” or “immoral,” it feels like we are doing the same thing here. And while I am all about critiquing movies, books, and other pieces of pop culture – especially those where I feel like someone is trying to represent ME and is doing a poor job – I am not about making people feel ashamed for reading or watching something for pleasure.

    Critiques where this shaming is present (and it is definitely not in all of the critiques I have read) can lead to discussions about the “danger” of reading or watching something because of how it will influence someone’s behavior. Just this past week a male college student was arrested after sexually assaulting a female student claiming that he was acting out a scene from 50 Shades. So, do we blame the book/movie? If the story had represented a BDSM relationship in an accurate way would this student have acted differently? This is a decades-old debate and one that will likely continue to surface any time someone who commits a crime references a movie, a musician, or a video game in order to account for their behavior. There was an article recently titled “Sex toy injuries rocket after release of Fifty Shades of Grey,” and I thought maybe I am wrong, maybe this book has had a greater impact that I could have imagined. Then I read the subtitle, “Injuries involving sex toys has doubled in the US since 2007, according to new figures, with a particular jump since the release of Fifty Shades of Grey.” Well, I know that the book was released in 2011, so the title is already a bit misleading, right? And then I went on to read further down the page “there is no evidence the two are linked, but the bondage-themed novels have been read by tens of millions of people.” Okay. So there has been some measuring of sex toy injuries and they have increased in the past 7 years or so and maybe there is a connection between some of those injuries and individuals who have read the book. I don’t know about you, but that idea does not fill me with the same sense of panic that the title originally implied. In general, I think this idea that a book or a movie will cause catastrophic damage and dangerous behavior does not give most people enough credit. I hope and actively want people who read or view 50 Shades who have had no previous “exposure” to BDSM and become curious about engaging in kinky behavior will do some research, talk to someone about it, and negotiate safety and consent with their partner. I can promote that (and I do), but ultimately it is not any of my business if they do that or not. And I also think it is possible for someone to read or watch something, be aroused by it, and not want to act it out in real life.

    Someone recently asked me how I would talk to a high school student who had read the book or watched the movie. My response was I would tell them that BDSM and other kinks are one way that some adults engage in sexual activity and relationships and while the story or behavior in “50 Shades” might be entertaining or exciting (and that is okay!), in reality I believe that is not what a healthy, consensual relationship looks like. The characters and story are like those in many books and movies – created for entertainment, shock, and dramatic value and NOT as representatives of what makes for a pleasurable and satisfying experience in real life. If BDSM is something they find interesting and they want to learn more about it they should seek out information online from experts in the BDSM community (depending on my role at that point I would either give them names or just encourage them to seek better information in general) and understand that safety and consent are at the core of these practices and should not be tried until all parties involved are capable of establishing both, which is why waiting until you are an adult is a good idea. I explained that these would be my main points apart from asking them if they have any specific questions that they would like answered. I would not discourage them from reading it or watching it and I would tell them it is okay if they enjoyed it.

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  • Celebrity Scandal, Nude Photos, and the Perpetuation of Rape Culture

    Celebrity Scandal, Nude Photos, and the Perpetuation of Rape Culture

    By now, most people have heard/read about/possibly gotten over the whole nude photo scandal that occurred when an anonymous website user gained access to and posted numerous personal photos of several female celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, and Ariana Grande in various stages of nudity. Whether or not you care about celebrity news or are a fan of one of the victims, this is a worthwhile situation to think about and discuss. Taking and posing for sexy nude photos should be something a woman can do without risk or fear of people other than the intended audience seeing them because stealing these images from their owners is a crime and publishing them on the Internet without consent is a gross violation and should be viewed as sexual assault and anyone who subsequently distributes and promotes the publicity of these photos is participating in that sexual assault. Any one who thinks it is “not that big of a deal,” rolls their eyes, and comments that the women in these photos should not care or should even embrace the fact that the entire world can now view their naked bodies and use the images as they like is contributing to the ever-pervasive and destructive rape culture that has become engrained into our society.

    The point that needs to be made clear here, is that this is an issue of consent. Women who take and pose for nude photos with the intention and permission given for distribution on the Internet are within their rights to do that. The situation with these celebrity photos is very different. These women were not posing for photos to be shared with the public. These were not nude scenes shot for a film or a magazine spread. These were intimate, vulnerable moments that were meant for personal use. Their consent was not given. What this anonymous hacker did was steal their personal property, commit an act of sexual assault, and then invited others to share in the violation.

    Jennifer Lawrence’s photos have been discussed the most due to her current reign as Hollywood’s “It girl.” Many people, including self-proclaimed devoted fans of Lawrence are saying that she should “own it” or even laugh it off in her typical “I don’t give a f*ck, things aren’t that serious” Jennifer Lawrence way. Why would she be upset that millions of people are getting enjoyment out of viewing her naked body? Don’t she and all other celebrities WANT that kind of attention? If she didn’t think there would be a chance the public would see these photos why would she take them? In fact, GQ (a predominately male-intended and male-viewed magazine) has chosen Kim Kardashian as its “Woman of the Year,” an honor that includes a nude photo spread in the magazine. So, if we “honor” a woman by having her pose nude in sexually enticing positions, then it must be completely acceptable for us to want to see photos like this of other female celebrities, right? No big deal. Lawrence and those other women should get over it. IT’S AN HONOR to have your naked body on display so people can enjoy it.

    These responses, my friends, are a part of rape culture. “They should have expected the photos to be leaked when they posed for them” can be equated to “She should have expected to be sexually assaulted when she decided to wear that skirt.” And “Lawrence should laugh this off” equates to “You know she probably enjoyed it/wanted it/likes the attention” after a woman is sexually assaulted. And just as some people want to help prevent women and girls from being raped by teaching them self-defense, telling them not to walk alone, etc., so to is the initial response of “don’t take these kinds of photos” or “be more careful with where they are stored.” It’s victim blaming. While both sets of advice may intend to help the individual avoid situations should a crime occur, it ignores the perpetrator and what should be done to prevent THEM. We need to address the issue of privacy and safety at hand and focus on the criminal act that occurred. We need to stop shrugging off the fact that these women were violated and rightly deserve to be angry/hurt/however they genuinely feel. We need to stop acting entitled to tell them how they should feel or act as a victim of such a crime. And we need to teach children/young people/adults –both men and women–that this was an act of sexual assault and is WRONG. The answer is not to stop taking sexy photos. Just as the answer to preventing rape is not for women to stop wearing skirts.

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  • Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    We are often taught that being in a long-term, committed relationship requires giving all of yourself to another person— sharing every deep secret, vulnerability, and insecurity with another in order to build trust and most importantly, intimacy. And while this type of emotional closeness cultivates security and lasting love, it also correlates with another staple of long-term romantic relationships … the decline of sexual desire.

    Ask any couple’s therapist or sex therapist what is the most common problem their clients present to them and they will almost always give you some version of “we aren’t having enough sex” or “he/she doesn’t seem to want sex anymore.” Having less sex as time passes in a relationship or the dwindling of that initial passion felt during sex is very common. This is usually attributed to “the novelty effect” wearing off or being stuck in a routine. Of course there are other reasons for a decline in sex—health issues, infidelity, and trauma to name a few—but another more pervasive and encompassing issue is the enmeshment and dependency that occurs when we share everything with our partner. Hobbies, favorite foods, books, and social activities often naturally become a “shared experience” or something that “we” do instead of something that “I” do or “he/she does.” Many times our partner is the first or only person we come to with problems about work or with our families. We start to feel that it is not only natural, but necessary to unload all of our worries and concerns onto our partner because this brings us closer, sharing every thought and emotion we may have.

    Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, speaker and author of the book “Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” theorizes that our natural human need for security and stability in relationships is at direct opposition to our equally important need for adventure, novelty, and discovery. What ends up happening in long-term couples, she says, is the tendency to get “too close” to our partner, making it impossible for that newness and excitement to exist. This makes the passion and desire that fuel satisfying and pleasurable sex difficult to (pardon the pun) come by.

    Perel emphasizes the importance of “the space between self and other” when considering how to reignite or maintain desire in a long-term relationship. In a recent article on “reigniting your love life,” she suggests viewing your partner as if “he or she is only on loan, with an option to renew.” Recognizing your partner as an autonomous, independent person with inner thoughts, past experiences, and fantasies that you are not privy to will result for most people in a new found curiosity about your partner. Being curious perpetuates interest and the realization that regardless of how long you have been together, there are still parts of this other person you have yet to discover. Recognizing your partner as separate from yourself creates distance and therefore room for desire to grow.

    Spending time apart by engaging in different extracurricular activities or taking a trip without the other is one way to create actual physical space (thus the idiom “absence makes the heart grow fonder”), but creating emotional space can be just as important. Balancing or limiting how often you go to your partner to “vent” about work or family issues by talking to friends or mentors instead or engaging in new behaviors to cope with everyday stress like exercise or journaling are helpful. Resisting the urge to pry for details about your partner’s exes, their family drama, or other past experiences and trying to be content with the fact that if something is important, your partner will share it with you is also worthwhile. Sometimes, simply taking a moment and remembering what it was like when you and your partner first met and identifying what drew you to them, emotionally and sexually, can ignite feelings of longing. Think about that first month when so much was unknown and how their smile, the way they smelled, and the thought of seeing them again caused that little flip in your stomach. Remember that feeling and those memories the next time you are with your partner and see what happens …

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  • Hey Honey, Let’s Talk About Porn.

    Hey Honey, Let’s Talk About Porn.

    As has been discussed before on this site, a lot of people watch porn. Specifically, a lot of people watch porn by themselves. Porn consumption is generally a private practice, one that is not usually discussed with other people—even (or maybe especially not with) our significant others.

    Searching online, you will find a lot of commentary from relationship experts arguing about whether the use of pornography is good or bad for a relationship.  Some argue that it can create distrust and insecurity in a relationship while others suggest that it can help build intimacy and “spice up” a couple’s sex life.  I would argue that whatever your personal porn habits are, it is worthwhile to have an open, honest conversation about it with your partner (or partners) as a way to communicate your fantasies and curiosities as well as your concerns and insecurities.

    One commonly held belief that often causes discord in couples concerning porn is that “what my partner watches in porn is what they want in real life.”  This is absolutely not the case.  Sure, a person may see something in porn that they want to try or they may search for something that they fantasize about doing in real life, but just because they are sexually aroused by an image or scene does not mean they desire to act it out.  For example, some straight women like to watch lesbian porn but have little or no desire to be with a woman in real life.  Similarly, straight men may watch gay male fellatio porn but have no desire to re-enact that situation.  This is difficult for people (especially partners of the person watching the porn) to accept or understand.  But sexual arousal is complex and what we fantasize about, what we masturbate to, and what we desire in real life with a partner are often different.

    Many people who have had only limited exposure to porn tend to think that all of it features unrealistic acts or exaggerated bodies with silicone and fake tans galore.  And while there is a ton of that out there, a lot of porn produced today features different body types, ethnicities, ages, genders, and pairings of sexual partners.  There has also been a huge rise in “amateur porn”, or porn that is uploaded to the Internet by “regular people” who look like you and me.  In fact, Cindy Gallop, an entrepreneur, consultant and speaker, created a website called MakeLoveNotPorn.com that hosts amateur porn video submissions.  This is a great resource for individuals and couples who may find the aforementioned “traditional porn” intimidating or unappealing.  Additionally, this new era of porn does not only feature man/woman, woman/woman, and man/man run-of-the-mill sex.  Fetish sites and speciality porn are also accessible by searching for literally any type of porn you can think of in Google search.  The Center for Sexual Health and Pleasure’s website where Clinical Sexologist and AASECT certified Sexuality Educator Megan Andelloux answers the question, “Where Do I Find Ethical Porn?” is another avenue for finding particular sites and to learn about how to search for “ethically-made porn,” or porn that is made, produced, and marketed with transparency of who benefits from any revenue that results in its distribution and which employs willing, informed performers who are treated ethically (definitions of “ethical porn” vary, but this is my understanding of what it should entail).

    All of that said, pornography use does not interest everyone.  Some people are adamantly against it; whether because of the traditionally misogynistic practices and content of some parts of the industry or their own moral beliefs regarding sex and masturbation, and some people prefer other methods of sexual stimulation.  In the context of a relationship, it is important to respect your partner’s preference and maintain an open dialogue with compromise and negotiation when needed.  The necessary step is to have the conversation.

    Some people would like to watch porn with their partner, but are nervous to bring it up.  Some prefer to keep their porn-watching a solo activity, but might be curious about what their partner is watching.  Either way, having an open, honest conversation about porn is not easy for many people.  It requires being vulnerable and open to judgement by discussing and admitting to certain sexual turn-ons and practices that may have not come up before in the relationship.  For example, in a male-female relationship, the female might assume her male partner has watched or currently watches porn because it is generally accepted that men watch porn, but may be nervous to talk about her own porn habits for fear of how she might be viewed.  The male partner might be interested in watching porn with his female partner, but doesn’t want her to think he prefers porn to having sex with her and so avoids the conversation all together.  There is a common belief that women do not like or watch porn and men who watch porn are sexually unsatisfied or have some kind of addiction.  This is why it is important to initiate a conversation with honesty, but to also remain curious and non-judgemental so each partner can feel more comfortable disclosing the truth about their porn habits.  While the first couple of conversations might feel awkward, embracing the topic can lead to better understanding and increased intimacy.  Once these conversations become more comfortable, a couple may decide they want to watch porn together, which, for some couples, can open up a new and exciting avenue for intimacy and sexual exploration.

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  • It’s True. Female Masturbation Exists.

    It’s True. Female Masturbation Exists.

    When was the first time you learned about masturbation?  On the playground?  During an awkward discussion with a parent?  On TV? Was it pretty clear to you what it was and how to do it?  Did you understand what it meant to climax or ejaculate?  If you are male-bodied, it is likely that by the time you were a full grown adolescent, you had a pretty good understanding of masturbation and a wide variety of descriptive euphemisms – “jacking off,” “stroking the sausage,” “whacking it,” and a particularly eloquent one that I recently heard, “attacking the one-eyed, purple-headed warrior.”  If you are female-bodied, the path to your understanding of masturbation and how to do it was likely much more covert and maybe even to this day is not fully developed or clear.

    But why?  Most women will explain that masturbation was not talked about when they were young.  Touching yourself or admitting to any type of physical, sexual desire as a young girl was thought of as shameful, dirty, embarrassing or at the very least something not to be discussed with parents or peers.  But with boys, these “tendencies” were considered natural, normal – something to be both expected and tolerated.  A basic understanding of why this is so, points to our society’s general acceptance of men as sexual creatures with natural, physical urges and our view of women as passive objects of those sexual desires, rather than independent beings with their own natural sexual desires and urges.  And while the movement towards a more sex-positive, pro-feminist view of sexuality has taken foot in many circles, this deeply engrained, double standard view of sexuality undeniably still exists.  And if we aren’t conscious of its presence and effect, it is easy to make false assumptions about sexuality – like the assumption that girls and women do not masturbate.  And if they do, they are more sexually active or promiscuous than most girls or women – a practice known as “slut-shaming,” a neologism used to describe the act of making any person (usually women) feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors or desires that deviate from traditional (i.e. conservative) gender expectations.

    While the assumption is that all men masturbate, several studies have sought to find out what percentage of women masturbate (because, again, a common assumption is that only a minority of women masturbate).  These studies have yielded results varying from 38% to 92% – an extremely large spread.  Clearly, there is something going on that would cause these studies to find such varying results on a regular basis.  I would speculate that the studies reporting larger percentages were administered anonymously and through a medium that did not require face to face questioning, such as via an online survey.  The studies reporting lower percentages were probably done in person or required some elaboration on the part of the participant.  Essentially, I believe that these results illustrate the issue of women feeling uncomfortable or ashamed on talking about their masturbation habits or even admitting that they do it from time to time.

    So what is to be done?  It’s difficult because the fear of slut shaming extends beyond attitudes from men.  Women are just as likely (if not more so) to perpetuate shame when it comes to masturbation.  The thing about shame is that it is often projected onto those around us – especially those (i.e. other women) we identify with.  And if you can’t share stories, tips, and thoughts about masturbation with your fellow vagina owners, how do you learn?  It’s possible to learn from TV and movies, which perpetuate the myth that women don’t masturbate or when they do, it creates confusion, distress, and embarrassment in the women performing the act.  You can try to learn from porn, and if you are able to find some of the new wave pro-feminist and female-produced contents, it can be a good source for viewing women enjoying their bodies and the pleasure that comes from masturbating.  But if you aren’t able to find these contents, good luck finding any images that you can actually relate to.

    I believe a good first step for all women is to seek out sex-positive, feminist literature and media in order to see evidence that other women do masturbate and do so without shame, embarrassment, or negative repercussions.  A book I recommend to clients and friends alike is “Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving,” by Betty Dodson, a woman who personifies the acceptance and embracing of female sexuality and expression.  For the more adventurous or advanced, I recommend visiting your local sex toy shop (preferably one marketed towards women) and asking for information on different toys or movies that might interest you.  I also strongly believe in the power of being curious and taking the risk of being vulnerable in conversations with friends.  I have had many different kinds of conversations about masturbation with other women – some were wrought with embarrassment, some were really funny, some were tinged with shame, and many resulted in immense relief at the recognition that they aren’t the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out or has what they thought was a “weird” habit.  But in all these instances, masturbation was discussed.  And I believe that sometimes a conversation is all it takes to begin changing our false assumptions about sexuality.