SimplySxy

Tag: Sexual Satisfaction

  • 5 Secrets for Reviving Your Sex Life

    5 Secrets for Reviving Your Sex Life

    In today’s society, everywhere we turn we see products and advertisements that promise new ways to have hot, passionate sex.  With all these tricks to try we are often left wondering, what happens if the sex is nonexistent?  In my line of work, I often am faced with couples that are at a sort of sexual standstill, and this is (to say the least) frustrating for all parties involved.  What happens when that passion begins to fizzle and you find yourself in the midst of a dry spell?  And even more importantly, what can you do to reignite the flame?  Read on to learn the keys to return the heat between the sheets:

    1. Open the lines of communication.

    Chances are, if you’re unhappy with the quality or quantity of sex that you’re having, your partner could be too. There is a common misconception that less talk means more action, when in all actuality, this is not true.  Your partner is not a mind reader!!  Find a time (NOT while things are hot and heavy) to bring up your concerns and make your requests, but do so in a way that makes your partner feel wanted, not blamed.

    2. Make the time to connect.

    I know, this sounds so simple.  The truth of the matter is that the majority of men and women become sexually aroused in very different ways.  Women, for instance, will often present with complaints of a lack of romance, intimacy or feeling like they are not connecting with their partner.  This comes from an intrinsic need for emotional closeness in order to be aroused sexually.  Men, on the other hand, often seek physical intimacy (i.e. sexual intercourse) to feel connected emotionally.  You can see how things might get a little complicated.  Take time to turn the focus toward reconnecting with one another in an intimate way.  In the sex therapy world, we often talk about sexual intimacy as a broader category of acts that may not include intercourse.  For instance, sensual massage, showering together and other erotic activities can bring partners closer together, before they take to the sheets.

    3. Prioritize your relationship.

    Think about all of the things in your life that you need to actively maintain.  When the fridge is empty- you get groceries.  You fill your car up with gas and get the oil changed so that it continues to run.  In the same way, you need to make time to focus on keeping your relationship fulfilling.  Whether this is a weekly date night or daily rituals that help you and your partner connect, make each other a priority and stick to it!

    4. Think outside the box!

    If monotony is the cause of your sexual stagnation, maybe now is a good time to approach your partner about adding some spice to your erotic life.  While being respectful of boundaries, making sex fun and playful again can often lead to increased frequency and pleasure.  Adding toys and other sexual enhancement products, new positions, or role play fantasies to your sexual repertoire can be a fresh way to experience one another.

    5. Make love all day.

    I know, you’re thinking, “who has time for that?!”  But when I say make love, I’m not talking specifically about intercourse.  So often, we get tied up in the idea that sex needs to be spontaneous for it to be hot, but that is not always the case.  Think about it: if you receive a suggestive text message or email at the beginning of your work day and continue to flirt with and tease your partner, by the time you get home the anticipation and the sexual tension will be rampant.  You’re actively sending signals to your partner that they are desired by you, and vice versa.  Try it!  If you and your partner have planned dates for intimacy (or if you’d like to try), plant the seed early on in the day and keep it going!  And above all, have fun, be honest and be open with your partner!

     

    Images from Shutterstock

  • Stocking Your Personal Sexual Kitchen

    Stocking Your Personal Sexual Kitchen

    Most people these days are working or/and taking the kids to this or that.  It seems at the end of the day you might be doing all you can, just to get dinner on the table, before you grab a bath and fall into bed.  Sometimes the time for a sexual encounter with your partner doesn’t become an opportunity until the weekend, and for some, that becomes a rushed experience.  The reasons ‘why not to’ can become longer than the shopping list for stocking your kitchen for the week.  Why is that?  Isn’t your sexual health as important as your physical health?  If it isn’t, why not?

    I have talked to some of my friends about their personal sexual kitchens, and their responses made good sense.  However, there are other factors to consider.  One friend, a nurse, raising two children just has enough time to get home and have her children taken care of before she is too tired to crawl into bed herself.  Working twelve-hour shifts can really take a lot out of you.  There also comes meeting the needs of children and a partner who works eight-hour shifts.  Just subtle differences in a schedule can cause a little too much for one person, and not enough for another.  I understand her situation, and that both want to get the kids to bed and get to sleep as quickly as they can before the alarm goes off.  Staying up late can lead to a slow and sleepy day at work, but so can a restless night of tossing and turning.  Why not take advantage of the body’s natural spice, oxytocin.  This is a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  It increases in response to affection, and released after climax.  It provides such a feeling of intense relaxation, it can make you drift off to sleep faster than you normally would.  No sense in using melatonin or another supplement, when your body has its own natural kitchen of spice just waiting to be used.

    Maybe getting to sleep is not your problem?  Every situation is different, as with another friend of mine who is raising her two young children between the deployments of her Army husband.  You would think this couple would have no problems.  However, both children alternate being sick from one week to another.  She is a business owner, a mother of two sick children, a daughter of a mother who is fighting cancer, and the wife of an absentee husband.  When he is home, what better stress reliever than sex.  You would think she would need the intimacy and the health benefits herself.  Health benefits?  That’s right, being sexually active contributes to lowering your blood pressure.  This girl stays stressed out; so what if this sounds like you?  Treat yourself to the spice of hypotension for good health, and less stress.

    Not every situation is the same, as none of my friends are.  My friend Marybelle works twenty-four hour shifts.  She also has a daughter. Between work and obligations as a mother and such, she still makes time to get to the gym.  There’s date night as well.  She never has any complaints from her partner about their sex life, nor from her, or her doctor.  Her doctor?  Going to the gym is a regular thing for Marybelle.  She does it to look and feel good, and regular exercise is proven to benefit your health in many ways.  For her, it means a healthy heart, lower stress levels and a higher libido.  For her partner, it means a longer life with her, a smile on her face and nights where she will take advantage of burning those extra calories in the bedroom.  Did you know that burning the midnight oil for sex, burns calories as well?  So don’t feel bad if you didn’t make it to the gym today, because you had to run by the store and stock the fridge.  Get to bed a little early and burn those calories.

    You probably have great sexual health, and a happy partner to boot.  It is just occasionally you have had a bad day, or a long day.  On those days, you just don’t feel like it.  You tell your partner, not tonight.  Sometimes they understand, and sometimes the drama becomes so bad, you think it would have been easier to just have said, “Oh, alright, just make it quick.”  We’ve all been there.  These are the times when you should remember our title: Stocking Your Personal Sexual Kitchen.  The body is filled with so many wonderful chemicals, or as I call them, the spices of life.  There are endorphins like oxytocin, a neurotransmitter in the brain stimulated to release by affection.  Serotonin is a hormone found in multiple places of the body.  It is found in the pineal gland in the center of the brain, the central nervous system, blood platelets, and the digestive tract.  It is a neurotransmitter that reduces your appetite, your sexual behavior and it suppresses the way you perceive pain.  Prolactin is a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland and is vital for regulation of the immune system.  All of these chemicals are contained in semen, and are absorbed through the tissues of the vaginal walls.  You may not feel like it before, but afterwards, you will feel so much better, and you will be glad you did.

    As I said, I know every situation is different.  I know for some people, sexual health takes a back seat to physical health.  For both parties, this is a real setback.  When a person suffers from a chronic illness, sometimes pain from that illness can destroy sexual health.  For the partner, it seems this part of their life is over.  However, I ran across some very valuable information on boosting the immune system.  It just so happens, that studies from Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says individuals who have sex once or twice a week show 30 percent higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A.[i]  What a wonderful way to boost your immune system!

    Who knew that physical health was so positively affected by sexual activity?  Now that we do know, when you sit down to make out that shopping list, which type do you stock on those fruits and vegetables for the week?  Add some strawberries, some mushrooms, maybe some whipped cream from the dairy section or oysters from the seafood department.  Whatever aphrodisiacs you like, add them to you kitchen list.  Stock you sexual kitchen for the week as well, and get some spice back in your life, and in your bedroom.

    [i] Sex Does the Body Good: Regular Romps Can Provide a Host of Physiological Benefits. (2006, December 19). Forbes. Retrieved February 22, 2014, from http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16282622/ns/health-forbes_com/t/sex-does-body-good/#.UwlDi4Wtx8s

  • The Love Experience

    The Love Experience

    “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” – Woody Allen

    Sexual stimulation is a pleasurable experience that can be fun and relaxing.  Sex and love can both create strong attachment feelings and one of the most profound experiences we have as human beings.  The capacity to love and feel loved leads to healthy and intense sexual interactions.  Love is one of the most well-known and least understood conditions in human nature.  Scientists say it’s a drive, similar to hunger or thirst, while psychologists may define it as a social or cultural phenomenon.  Regardless, it is the most universal emotion in the world with elements of each model that drives our need to love, including how sexual attraction and attachment style play a role in our relationships.  Studies in neuroscience show that as people fall in love, the brain releases chemicals that activate the pleasure center of the brain similar to drugs leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.  Love can be experienced in different forms.  Our first connections with love are during infancy and childhood, and can set up love schemas that determine our capacity to love others during adulthood.

    Self-Love

    Self-love and selfishness are sometimes confused.  Each has different sources and consequences.  Self-love brings feelings of confidence, competence, and we are much kinder and loving towards others.  Selfishness causes withdrawal, and lack of respect towards self and others.  Self-love and appreciation are directly related to the capabilities of loving and appreciating others.

    The following questions can help differentiate between self-love and selfishness:

    1. When was the last time you felt unhappy with yourself (insecure, irritable)?
    2. When did you last feel happy with yourself (proud, pleased with your personal qualities)?
    3. How did you behave towards other people on those two occasions (happy/unhappy)?  On which occasion were you kinder and more generous towards others?

    When you are unhappy with yourself is probably when you were more selfish.  When we dislike ourselves, the energy we put out is directed towards protecting ourselves and is not focused on how we are treating others.  It is when we love ourselves that we are most capable of giving to, and loving others.

    Love Schemas

    How we are in adult romantic relationships is related to the working models or schemas we develop early in life – usually from our first loving experiences with caregivers. As we grow and develop these schemas become more complex. There are six different love schemas that are similar to the attachment styles that develop during childhood:

    1. Secure – seldom worry about being abandoned and believe other people are trustworthy and have good intentions.
    2. Skittish – wary of intimacy and uncomfortable with closeness, expectations that relationships fail and fear of depending on others.
    3. Clingy – desire closeness and worry that their partners don’t love them or will leave them and fear being on their own and abandoned.
    4. Fickle – uncomfortable with closeness and independence and never comfortable with what they have. They are suspicious of commitment and fear entrapment.
    5. Casual – view love affairs as fun and lacks desire for commitment often fearing intimacy.
    6. Uninterested – not interested in relationships and gets little pleasure out of it and when they end often feels relief.

    The development of these love schemas depends on how comfortable we are with closeness, independence and how willing we are to be involved in romantic relationships.  Identifying our love schema can give insight on our attachment style and patterns in relationships.

    Love vs. Lust

    The beginning stages of love are full of arousal, intense sexual desire, anxiety over rejection, and an array of positive and sometimes negative emotions.  Whether it is lust, infatuation, or romantic love, a preoccupation with the loved one is common and unavoidable.  Lust is actually a normal and healthy human emotion and can be very pleasurable for two people in the expression of sexual interactions.  If two people do not deal with feelings prior to sexual activity lust can sometimes lead to pain and guilt.

    There is this old cliché’ that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.

    Even though society is slowly moving towards more gender equality in views of sex – surveys show that more women than men find sex only acceptable in a love relationship.  If one partner is more motivated by lust than love, it can lead to difficulties in a relationship.  The sharing of feelings and intentions by both partners can minimize feelings of guilt and exploitation that can arise when two people have conflicting motivations for a relationship.

    Dependency and Jealousy

    Feelings of dependency and jealousy are often associated with love and are often experienced by individuals that lack self-confidence and self-esteem.  The consequences are a false love that consists of manipulative, exploitive, and unhealthy love behaviors.  These feelings of dependency and jealousy are human and we all feel them at some point in our lives – they are painful and often unavoidable.  The healthiest way to cope with these feelings is to communicate them instead of accusing, attacking, blaming or shaming your loved one.  It will reduce the negative effects of dependency and jealousy.

    Here are questions to assess healthy love in your relationship:

    1. Have you continued to maintain individual interests, including meaningful personal relationships with people other than your partner?
    2. Are you and your lover friends? If your erotic relationship ended, would you continue to see one another as friends?
    3. Have you maintained a secure belief in your own values as an independent person?
    4. Is your relationship integrated with the rest of your life rather than set off or isolated from your other activities?
    5. Do you feel improved by the relationship? Have you become stronger, more attractive, more accomplished, and more sensitive since becoming involved with your partner?

    These are great questions to ask yourself and your partner if you are in a loving sexual relationship.  If either of you answered “no” to more than one question it is worth discussing and looking at possibilities of changing aspects of the relationship.  The quality of a relationship is not measured by the absence of problems – there is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship.  The qualities that are important include honesty, integrity, and concern for resolving problems in a way that meets the needs of both partners.

    Independent, mature, and self-confident people have the greatest capacity for healthy and loving sexual interactions.  Two adults in a relationship that form an erotic bond can share their whole self – and can enjoy each others similarities and accept and be comfortable with their differences.  If someone makes the other person the exclusive focus of one’s life, it can reduce the vitality of a relationship. The healthier way is for each partner in a relationship to develop her or his own potential and be able to contribute individual, unique qualities to a mutually satisfying and stimulating relationship.  This ideal is not easily attained or constantly maintained, but striving towards it contributes to the hope and pleasure that characterize lasting and loving sexual interactions.

  • The long and often slippery road to finding a good Sensual Massage

    The long and often slippery road to finding a good Sensual Massage

    Massage is for Real Men

    It is said that real men don’t cry or wear their hearts on their sleeves.  Real men are resilient and stoic, that they shun sensuality and intimacy in preference to instant gratifications.  It is also said that real men don’t seek professional help for their psychological aches and pains or emotional fears.  And so, when it has come to reducing their stress, this has traditionally limited their options for treatment, instead, relying on a hard session at the gym or the pub to eradicate the anxieties that engulf them in today’s competitive image conscious society.

    Massage is on the “up”

    Therefore, it should come as no surprise that according to the International Spa Association, the number of men who have visited Spas in the last five years has grown by 900%.  Spas are now socially accepted, and are of course extremely enjoyable.  Londoners recently admitted that a Spa treatment helped them relax better than a Friday night at the pub and it is massage that is at the top of the list for chosen treatments for men.

    The challenges for men having a massage

    As every man who has experienced massage knows it can be an encounter of mixed feelings.  On the one hand to have your body and muscles worked deep and to feel the intimate touch of another’s hands, male or female, is a wonderfully relaxing therapeutic sensation.  On the other hand it can also be an experience fraught with anxiety and tension, since with even the most expert hands at work, many men become acutely aware of the rumbling sensations of arousal as the body responds and with it the fear of obvious visual detection and subsequent embarrassment.

    Sensual Massage – more than just a “rub & tug”

    Getting a “hard on” during a regular massage is probably every man’s nightmare, particularly if the treatment is clearly designed only to be therapeutic.  The embarrassment is compounded more so if the masseur has not brought up the subject of potential arousal and through their own awkwardness to the subject, leaves it as an unspoken “demon” that hangs in the air throughout the whole proceedings!

    It is because of this that many men will avoid having massages at all, but increasingly more and more men are discovering the availability,  pleasure and safety of receiving a Sensual Massage that is designed to include both proper muscle work and allows, sometimes even encourages, full arousal often to orgasm.  The internet now gives plenty of opportunity to find a sensual massage, but how do clients find a masseur who is both trained in massage and comfortable to include intimate erotic touch as part of the treatment?

    Spot the  “Givers” from the “Takers”

    With none of the official massage schools broad-minded enough to train practitioners on how to give sensual massage, clients are generally reliant on their own initiative when searching the pages and pages of adverts.  Often, sensual massage will be couched in “Tantric” language, which much to the dismay to true Tantra teachers, has become a bi word for erotic massage.  Just because it talks of “Lingums” and “Wands of Light”, it does not necessarily mean you will receive a professional massage.  So for those men who do want to enjoy a sensual massage given by a professional, here are a few tips on how to sort the genuine “givers” from the “takers”.

    10 Tips on how to find a good sensual masseur

    1. Has the masseur got their own web site? – Generally, if they have invested effort and money in a web site then they will be more serious about their work.  The better the web site, the more professional the masseur.
    2. Ask if the masseur has been trained by a legitimate massage school in either Therapeutic, Swedish or Sports Massage – A tip is to ask if they include Effleurage or Petrissage strokes in the massage.  Any properly trained masseur will know these correct  terms for long flowing strokes and kneading movements.
    3. Ask for a full description of what the massage will or won’t include, if they indicate that they do not offer sexual services then they will more than likely be genuine in their approach.
    4. Do they display client testimonials on the web site? – Of course it’s easy to make these up but usually the genuine testimonials can be spotted rather than those self-written.
    5. Beware of discounts – A good sensual masseur does not usually need to give discounts.
    6. Don’t go for anything less than 60 minutes – 75 or 90 is the usual length of a full body sensual massage.  Offering 30 minutes generally means only one thing!
    7. Do they have their own massage studio or do they just offer “out calls”? – A proper massage can really only be given on a massage bed or possibly a yoga mat, beds are not suitable whether hotel or home and generally implies that the massage will slip quite quickly into something more sexual and then finish as soon as the client reaches orgasm with no discount for reduced time.
    8. Look for “talent” not “tit”.  Don’t get swayed by erotic suggestive pictures of the masseurs, take notice of the more professionally presented masseurs.
    9. Look at their operating times – If it’s predominantly a late night service then it will be more “tug” than “rub”
    10. If you can, when making the enquiry, speak to the masseur themselves, a lot can be understood from their level of spoken English and knowledge of their service
    11. Go with your “gut”.  If you don’t feel right, don’t book.  If you feel iffy on the phone, imagine what you will feel like when they have their hands on you.
    12. And finally, NEVER be afraid to walk away before the massage begins.  If the venue, cleanliness and atmosphere makes you uncomfortable, even if you have to pay a cancellation fee, it’s better to be out-of-pocket than out of your depth!

    If you have any questions for Colin related to this subject or on any other sexual performance related issues, Colin will be delighted to answer them.  He can be contacted at colin@intimacymatters.co.uk

  • Hypnotic Sex

    Hypnotic Sex

    Hypnosis was brought into the forefront of scientists and societies’ minds when the Austrian born Sigmund Freud, 1836-1939 explored psychoanalytical psychology.  Similar to me, Freud had worked with sex and the unconscious for much of his professional life.  I have a great deal of respect for Freud and his theories as he is very much misunderstood among the psychological fraternity and society.  21st century psychological mind-sets forget Freud was born over 100 years ago but his theories were very much beyond his years.  He had a troubled childhood, a domineering mother and an emotionally absent father when he was in the household.  I believe he most possibly was bisexual in his own sexual orientation but bisexualism and homosexualism was not spoken about when Freud would be exploring his sexuality as an adolescent.  Again a similarity to me, Freud explored the psychological aspects of sex and the unconscious to understand his sexuality and sexual practices.  It was in fact what got me interested in training and working as a sex therapist and trauma therapist.

    Society today, has a lot to thank Freud for as he was the first individual to name aspects of the human unconscious.  Some theorists will take Freud’s theories with ‘a pinch of salt’, this is fine as I believe Freud laid his theories on the table and subsequently, we as educated people or society could pick up his ideas, think about them be it strongly and accept it, or, dispose of them and forget them, do with it what we will.  The important consideration is he offered us that option by laying his ideas on the table for us to explore them critically.  If they are not thought of, or, thought about, there is nothing to consider, we have Freud and his great mind to thank.  Without him, we may be in a different place altogether with psychology and may not even have names for the aspects of the unconscious.

    ‘Hypnosis’ derives from the Greek word, ‘hypnos’ which translates as a word for sleep.  It is widely known; sleep is behaviour and is a natural function for animal or human to recover energy resources to continue living and functioning.  Additionally, whilst under the behaviour of clinical sleep, clinical hypnotists can make suggestions to a patient to positively recall, or, reframe experiences.  Such experiences could possibly be sexual, for instance, to improve, or, replace beliefs and perceptions of painful sex, difficult sexual experiences, sexual dysfunctions and enhancing orgasms.  My work entails patients requesting knowledge and confidence in sexual performance, rape recovery, and sexual abuse.  Although, my media work is more about how men can improve their sex lives.  In western society, there appears plenty of evidence for women to explore their sexual identity, sexual practices and sexual behaviour.  Whereas, for men, there is limited evidence, which is what motivated me to hold up the banner for men.  Therefore, I analysis sexual behaviour for men, that is men who have sexual experiences with other men, be they, gay, bisexual, straight, or, straight curious.  Interestingly, there seems to be an increase in heterosexual men reverting back to ancient Greek sexual philosophy where they enjoy sexual intimacy of another man.

    I have experience in men requesting how they can gain multiple orgasms through hypnotic suggestion and perception to heighten their sexual climax.  This is done by themselves or, with their partner by learning self-hypnosis techniques and then recalling the best orgasm to date.  By this amplification of the sensations felt while mutually masturbating is made stronger.  Although, it is wise to speak with a medical doctor to make sure your heart is in good order as it is known that people can experience heart attacks whilst enjoying sex.

    There are people who enjoy sexual fetishes of being hypnotised for sexual pleasure; this I must admit is usually men.  I have noticed an increase of men around the world who inquire about learning skills of self-hypnosis for shrinking (this is where the hypnotee perceives they have shrunk to maybe the size of an inch).  The ideology of this is that the smaller they shrink too, the more sexual pleasure they experience through self or mutual masturbation until they reach sexual climax.  The psychology of this is that one partner enjoys being dominated within a sexual experience.  A lot of men like to be shrunk (be submissive) so they can perceive themselves being held by their female (dominant) partners.  Whilst, on a physical level, the woman would not necessarily experience sexual stimulation herself for the shrinking of her partner, whereas she might on a psychological level due to feeling very powerful.  The woman may also masturbate due to enjoying the process of her partner losing power and she gaining his.  Although on a psychological level, sexual power and equality is an interesting topic in its own right and does beg the question, whether sexual power is perceived, or, actual.

  • Knowing Yourself Is The Path To A Better Sex Life

    Knowing Yourself Is The Path To A Better Sex Life

    How many times have you heard a girlfriend tell you she is not happy with how her boyfriend or husband is in bed?  Maybe you have a man in your life that doesn’t live up to your expectations when it comes to your sex life.  Why is this?  Are men in general lousy lovers or don’t they take the time to find out what you like and how to please you?

    I think it’s the latter, they just don’t know and are too afraid to ask, worrying that you might laugh at them for not knowing.  There are those that think they are super lovers but are they?

    What do you do when you snuggle on the sofa at night watching a good movie and your man sticks his tongue so far in your ear that it feels like he is licking your brain?  If you tell him straight that you don’t like it and make him stop, you risk hurting his ego. What do you do?

    First of all I believe that we women must know our own body inside and out.  We have to be comfortable with our erogenous areas and know what we like and what we don’t like.  If we know, then we can guide our man to do what we will enjoy and not what he thinks we like.  Remember, men take a lot of advice from friends and even pornographic movies, and those are not the best teachers.

    Let’s go back to the previous example with the tongue in your ear.  When this happens you can simply begin to kiss him and when you come to his earlobe you nibble it and kiss it lightly while whispering ‘like this honey.’

    You have shown him what you like and how to do it, without putting his sexual knowledge or lack of it on display. If you would have pulled back saying ‘ew, stop that.’ You might have hurt his feelings.

    How do you get to know your body?  This might be a sensitive topic for some women depending on from where you are.  There is no easy way around it, you have to touch yourself, and find your special spots.  Once you know them, it becomes easy to guide your man to them.

    If you have just met someone you can do this together, lot’s of men love to watch their girlfriend or wife touch themselves.  Make a romantic evening out of it, light some candles, dim the lights, turn on some soft music, and give him a show.  Afterwards you can make him touch you to see if he remembers what you like.

    By knowing yourself you are directly controlling the quality of your sex life, you know what you like and what you don’t like.  Now you can in a fun and erotic way pass on this knowledge to the man who shares your bed.