Author: Brenda Stapleton

Sexual Expectations: Those Magic Numbers

Countless times I have heard my male friends, followed by columns and articles stating about men wrestling with the illusion that there is some “magic member number”. I suppose women have had some concerns as well, since the American Society of Plastic Surgeons advised in 2013, breast augmentations, also known as breast implant plastic surgery was at an increase. The year’s statistics totaled an all year high overall of 313,327 for breast enhancements for the 2013 year. This is a 37% increase over the last 10 years. However, it wasn’t the most wanted surgery, believe it or not. Liposuction was at the top of the list, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS), there was a 16% increase, and over one billion dollars spent nationwide for liposuction. Since we are looking at the numbers, let me go ahead and make the distinction that women, forgoing liposuction first, for breast augmentation, still spent over 10.3 million, which according to the ASPS, was 90.6% of the total expenditure. On the other side of the coin, men spent more than 1 million for the most wanted procedure of liposuction, and the wants and needs of both sexes are expected to continue to rise in the 2014 year as well. It seems there is something to the “number” after all. It seems that it is not just women who are struggling with vanity, but men as well. Men are also struggling with the concept of insecurity in size. However, it does seem to be effecting masculinity in a slightly different way as men are not quite ready to opt for penile implants just yet. So there is some truth to the magic number theory; it does effect both sexes, just not to the extremes.

There also is another “in common factor” that may keep men from finding out that is there is no “magic number”. In actual fact, there is no “one” number for each situation. The statistics show that approximately 41,464 women had their augmentations removed for aesthetic reasons. Therefore, what women considered the wrong number, changed at a heavy cost to their personal and financial wellbeing, to a more “right” number. Yet after what would be, I suppose, a reasonable amount of time, the right number was deemed the wrong number once again. Therefore, the search began once more, and so does the augmentation process. There are no statistics on the aesthetics of penile implant reversal as of yet, but I am sure we will see some at one point or another. It just seems there has to be an easier way. As a matter of fact, there is. Depending on the exercise, there is something both men and women can do to contribute to “sizing up” the situation on what your partner needs. These are what you focus on, not what is the “magic” number? I understand when you are in the gym, you may have to vary your routine, as you have to make use of your time and the available equipment. As with either of these activities, the main focus should be on enjoyment, not equipment.

It’s understandable how this could be worrisome to both sexes. Women want more, men want more but yet what they want are really two different things. However, both can achieve what they want by committing themselves to the same exercise. Yes ladies, it’s the kegels; but kegels aren’t just for you, they are for your partner too. For the ladies, the pelvic floor makes those muscles strong, offering a well-positioned vault. For men, the stronger the pelvic floor muscles, the longer and the harder the erection. The penis receives better blood flow, providing a better angle, preventing any possibility of premature ejaculation. As a matter of fact, a man with rehearsed kegels can attain multiple orgasms. Therefore, if you are worried you may not have what it takes, not to worry. Not only will you have what it takes, you will have it, have it stronger, and for a longer period of time—multiple times. So, find yourself a comfortable pace; about three times a day. Practice your kegels and you will not have to be concerned about any performance issues. The only thing you will need to worry about is making sure your partner can keep up. Any number worries you may have had can go by the way-side, unless it’s the counting of sheep through the night.

Images courtesy of Brenda Stapleton and Shutterstock
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November 1, 2014
Stocking Your Personal Sexual Kitchen

Most people these days are working or/and taking the kids to this or that. It seems at the end of the day you might be doing all you can, just to get dinner on the table, before you grab a bath and fall into bed. Sometimes the time for a sexual encounter with your partner doesn’t become an opportunity until the weekend, and for some, that becomes a rushed experience. The reasons ‘why not to’ can become longer than the shopping list for stocking your kitchen for the week. Why is that? Isn’t your sexual health as important as your physical health? If it isn’t, why not?

I have talked to some of my friends about their personal sexual kitchens, and their responses made good sense. However, there are other factors to consider. One friend, a nurse, raising two children just has enough time to get home and have her children taken care of before she is too tired to crawl into bed herself. Working twelve-hour shifts can really take a lot out of you. There also comes meeting the needs of children and a partner who works eight-hour shifts. Just subtle differences in a schedule can cause a little too much for one person, and not enough for another. I understand her situation, and that both want to get the kids to bed and get to sleep as quickly as they can before the alarm goes off. Staying up late can lead to a slow and sleepy day at work, but so can a restless night of tossing and turning. Why not take advantage of the body’s natural spice, oxytocin. This is a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. It increases in response to affection, and released after climax. It provides such a feeling of intense relaxation, it can make you drift off to sleep faster than you normally would. No sense in using melatonin or another supplement, when your body has its own natural kitchen of spice just waiting to be used.

Maybe getting to sleep is not your problem? Every situation is different, as with another friend of mine who is raising her two young children between the deployments of her Army husband. You would think this couple would have no problems. However, both children alternate being sick from one week to another. She is a business owner, a mother of two sick children, a daughter of a mother who is fighting cancer, and the wife of an absentee husband. When he is home, what better stress reliever than sex. You would think she would need the intimacy and the health benefits herself. Health benefits? That’s right, being sexually active contributes to lowering your blood pressure. This girl stays stressed out; so what if this sounds like you? Treat yourself to the spice of hypotension for good health, and less stress.

Not every situation is the same, as none of my friends are. My friend Marybelle works twenty-four hour shifts. She also has a daughter. Between work and obligations as a mother and such, she still makes time to get to the gym. There’s date night as well. She never has any complaints from her partner about their sex life, nor from her, or her doctor. Her doctor? Going to the gym is a regular thing for Marybelle. She does it to look and feel good, and regular exercise is proven to benefit your health in many ways. For her, it means a healthy heart, lower stress levels and a higher libido. For her partner, it means a longer life with her, a smile on her face and nights where she will take advantage of burning those extra calories in the bedroom. Did you know that burning the midnight oil for sex, burns calories as well? So don’t feel bad if you didn’t make it to the gym today, because you had to run by the store and stock the fridge. Get to bed a little early and burn those calories.

You probably have great sexual health, and a happy partner to boot. It is just occasionally you have had a bad day, or a long day. On those days, you just don’t feel like it. You tell your partner, not tonight. Sometimes they understand, and sometimes the drama becomes so bad, you think it would have been easier to just have said, “Oh, alright, just make it quick.” We’ve all been there. These are the times when you should remember our title: Stocking Your Personal Sexual Kitchen. The body is filled with so many wonderful chemicals, or as I call them, the spices of life. There are endorphins like oxytocin, a neurotransmitter in the brain stimulated to release by affection. Serotonin is a hormone found in multiple places of the body. It is found in the pineal gland in the center of the brain, the central nervous system, blood platelets, and the digestive tract. It is a neurotransmitter that reduces your appetite, your sexual behavior and it suppresses the way you perceive pain. Prolactin is a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland and is vital for regulation of the immune system. All of these chemicals are contained in semen, and are absorbed through the tissues of the vaginal walls. You may not feel like it before, but afterwards, you will feel so much better, and you will be glad you did.

As I said, I know every situation is different. I know for some people, sexual health takes a back seat to physical health. For both parties, this is a real setback. When a person suffers from a chronic illness, sometimes pain from that illness can destroy sexual health. For the partner, it seems this part of their life is over. However, I ran across some very valuable information on boosting the immune system. It just so happens, that studies from Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says individuals who have sex once or twice a week show 30 percent higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A.[i] What a wonderful way to boost your immune system!

Who knew that physical health was so positively affected by sexual activity? Now that we do know, when you sit down to make out that shopping list, which type do you stock on those fruits and vegetables for the week? Add some strawberries, some mushrooms, maybe some whipped cream from the dairy section or oysters from the seafood department. Whatever aphrodisiacs you like, add them to you kitchen list. Stock you sexual kitchen for the week as well, and get some spice back in your life, and in your bedroom.

[i] Sex Does the Body Good: Regular Romps Can Provide a Host of Physiological Benefits. (2006, December 19). Forbes. Retrieved February 22, 2014, from http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16282622/ns/health-forbes_com/t/sex-does-body-good/#.UwlDi4Wtx8s

March 17, 2014
How Fitness Helps Prolong Being Physical

It is no secret what is important to men and women, and when it comes to love and sex. Each partner will tell you, regardless of their gender, “I want more, and I want it to last.” Now, I am not trying to bring up any insecurity on anyone’s part. I am simply trying to shed some light on a very simple situation to help both men and women make the most of their time together. I am not going to speak for every woman, but for the women I know and for myself, “WE LOVE SEX”. When we can get it, we want it to last, and as women we are willing to do our part, and we want our men to do their part as well. I think most men do try, they just need information on how to beat the clock, so to speak.

It is like when you go to the gym for a work out, or you go to work and you see the guy who is catching all the attention. It happens for women too. It is always the same ones. The woman with the legs that go all the way up to her, oh yea, you know her. Then there is the guy who has the “chick getters.” The biceps that are so prominent underneath the sleeves of his polo shirt, you almost think that the shirt is tailored to fit that well. It is those little things that catch the eye of the opposite sex. Inevitably, we find ourselves staring at the ‘leggy’ girl to see what is on her lunch plate, or the guy with the ‘arms’ to see if that is a protein shake he is drinking? We want to know their secrets!

It is all physical and it makes us drive a little slower when we see the gym on the corner. As the day comes to an end, you start thinking of how you could get a run in, or add a workout into your day. The sex appeal is there and that insecurity comes sneaking up on you. When you get home, and your partner is in the mood, you tend to think about how you will look in six months and it gets you through the time together. It seems rushed though, and the old familiar argument comes back up, “You just aren’t into me, what’s wrong, don’t you find me attractive?” “Is it someone else?” How do you say, “Yes, it is someone else.” “It’s me, wishing I were him, giving you what you want and need.” Think about it. Here she is thinking, “If I looked like her, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me.” Instead of sliding into home plate, he would still be caressing second base. Maybe if we took things a bit slower, and realized first, be with who you are with. Leave that guy at the office, and the girl with the sexy legs at the water cooler. If you want sexy legs or flashy biceps, then get them. However, those are just part of what brings us together. It is part of the workout, part of the gym world and what happens to the body when you invest in fitness.

Fitness is sexy. Let’s not deceive ourselves. However, let us start talking about the benefits of fitness, how it is related to sex, and how we can make the most of the time we spend together. That is really what happens when we come together as intimate partners, or sexual partners. We take our time with each other. Instead of rushing off to the gym and walking in with our own agenda, which leads to us walking out disappointed, we make it about making improvements within. Once you feel as if you are accomplishing something, that is what makes you come back for more. If you can see or feel changes, especially if it is sexually, then chances are you have found motivation. Men and women alike have what is known as Pubococcygeus muscles, or (PC) muscles. Yes, who are we kidding, no one uses this term over dinner conversation, so this is something you may not have heard of before. You may know the term pelvic muscles. Those muscles for women that help you during childbirth. For men, what about prostate health, or those muscles that make your penis move up and down? These muscles are controlled with exercise, just like any other exercise. There are exercises called Kegel exercises.

These exercises provide strength, intensity and control. Men and women can learn to strengthen these muscles. Kegel fitness will stimulate the orgasmic response for both parties allowing resistance during intercourse. This will make the time you have together last longer, right from the start. The strength and resistance of the muscles of both man and woman, will intensify the orgasmic response. During intercourse, it is natural for a man to thrust as the vagina tightens; however, if both parties practice Kegel exercises, when the man feels the tightening of the vagina, instead of thrusting, he can use those muscles to squeeze against the tightness. This provides a different form of stimulation. This is where the ability to control those muscles comes in. A woman controlling her pelvic muscles, controls her orgasms. Yes, orgasms. A woman can have multiple orgasms; therefore, men have always felt at a disadvantage somewhat because of this. Why should they? A man controlling his pelvic muscles, controls his orgasms. He experiences “dry” orgasms by controlling his ejaculation. Whenever he feels orgasmic sensations, he can squeeze his pelvic muscles, thereby preventing the semen from being released, but still feeling the orgasm.

As you can see, fitness isn’t just about toning and firming those muscles for the world to see. It is about those muscles we don’t see. Those muscles used for purposes other than to impress onlookers and passers-by. Fitness isn’t just about living longer, it’s about loving each other longer, for longer periods of time, and being happy about it too.

February 13, 2014