SimplySxy

Category: LGBTQ

  • Does Circumcision Cut Penis Sensitivity?

    Does Circumcision Cut Penis Sensitivity?

    Circumcision — it’s one of the most hotly debated sexual health issues in the medical community. In part that’s because in this country, and other developed countries, there isn’t any clear benefit to circumcise or not to circumcise, says Karen Boyle, M.D., director of male reproductive medicine and surgery at Chesapeake Urology Associates in Baltimore.

    Intact men enjoy four times more penile sensitivity than circumcised men, according to the “Fine-touch Pressure Thresholds in the Adult Penis” article published today in the British Journal of Urology International. The study was conducted to map fine-touch pressure thresholds of the adult penis in circumcised and uncircumcised males to compare the two populations.

    Researchers measured fine-touch sensitivity of the penis at 17 specific sites on the intact (non-circumcised) penis and the remaining 9 sites plus two scar sites on the circumcised penis. The results surprised the research team, according to Morris Sorrells, MD, lead researcher, who said, “The most sensitive part of the penis is the preputial opening. The results confirmed that the frenulum and ridged band of the inner foreskin are highly erogenous structures that are routinely removed by circumcision, leaving the penis with one-fourth the fine-touch sensitivity it originally possessed.” Five sites on the penis-all regularly removed by circumcision-are more sensitive than the most sensitive site remaining on the circumcised penis. Researcher pediatrician and statistician Robert Van Howe said, “Oddly, the most sensitive site on the circumcised penis is the circumcision scar itself.”

    This was in fact reported by a Michigan State University study, that found that the most sensitive part of a circumcised guy’s penis is his circumcision scar. A possible explanation: After circumcision, “the penis has to protect itself—like growing a callus on your foot, but to a lesser extent,” says Darius Paduch, M.D., Ph.D., a urologist and male sexual medicine specialist at New York-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center. This means nerve endings are further from the surface—and therefore, may be less responsive.

    Circumcised men prefer it rough – The study has received international attention. Politicians from California, for example, have been in contact with the researchers because they want to ban circumcision in their federal state.

    There appears to be a very simple reason why circumcised men and their partners are having problems with their sex lives. The circumcised man develops a thin layer of hard skin on his penis head, which decreases the sensitivity. This means that in order to reach an orgasm, he needs to work harder at it, and that can lead to a painful experience for their partner.

    Previous studies documented that circumcised penises are shorter; now researchers have compared and found them lacking in sensitivity, too. From their findings, researchers of this study conclude that circumcision ablates the most sensitive parts of the penis. These findings come several decades after Masters & Johnson said there is no sensitivity difference in a circumcised and a non-circumcised penis. Now their questionable findings have been disproved and the results of this study provide additional evidence about the importance of preserving the protective, sensitive foreskin.

    It’s worth mentioning that women with circumcised partners are three times more likely to experience sexual pain than ladies with uncircumcised spouses, the study from Denmark found. “The uncircumcised penis is much glossier, a more velvety feel,” says Paduch. “So for women who aren’t lubricating well, they experience much less discomfort having sex with a guy who is uncircumcised.” He adds that guys who have their foreskin intact require lubricant far less frequently during sex and masturbation, since the skin of their penis in naturally slicker.

    This article has been republished with permission from Deepak.

    Please visit Deepak’s website  to view the original post and more of Deepak’s works.

     Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • My First Daunting Time to a Gay Sauna Alone

    My First Daunting Time to a Gay Sauna Alone

    Recounting my first visit to a gay sauna alone and ending up in a bar.

    About 3 months ago, I took a train and returned to a capital city I previously lived in. While I was living there, I was still heavily in the closet and in denial. I used to walk past the gay venues from a distance and would curiously turn my head.

    So being back and alone on familiar ground this time months after my conversation with R and my first gay bar, I decided to take the opportunity and spend it as an anonymous gay tourist in order to open up myself even more and see where it leads me. Although the risk of running into people I know in this city is fairly high, but somehow rather the urge to throw myself out of my comfort zone is much higher as my personal development takes priority at this moment.

    Hence, in the spirit of progress and “making an effort”, I did some research and decided to visit a gay sauna this time. All of the exact emotions, thoughts and anxiety from my first visit to a gaybar last year came rushing back, except that this time it would require triple the amount of courage along with the fear of rejection and being stupid. Again I was nervous and in order to take the pressure off, I told myself that I was not me. I’m a nobody and I’m anonymous.

    Arriving at the reception, I kept cool, acted like I’ve done this before, paid the entrance fee and went in. The locker room was the easiest part as I took my time to strip down to just a towel around my waist before leaving the neutral zone. The sauna was indeed very spacious as it had everything, from a huge jacuzzi to seating areas and secluded cubicles for “activities”.Not knowing how to begin, I started by wandering around the complex while observing my surroundings in order to learn about the practicalities of cruising. Throughout the whole time, I felt extremely anxious and awkwardly out of place. But I wasn’t going to let my insecurities ruin my plan. Therefore even if nothing was ever going to happen, at least I’ll know I made an effort by exploring my possibilities in a gay sauna.

    Walking around, I was actually very surprised to find a much older crowd which wasn’t at all my expectation nor very exciting. In fact, it was awkward. After much hanging about, I started chatting to the only young guy in his 30s, whom after some conversational warm up, thought he might help a clueless guy out (even after my failed attempt to cruise him).

    He asked:
    “So what are you doing here? What are you looking for, what do you like?”

    Me:
    “Erm, I don’t know. It’s actually my first time here, I have no idea!”

    He:
    “Do you like older men? Younger guys? What are you looking for?”

    Me: [smiling]
    “Hmm… I don’t know! But I like guys like you!”

    He: [smiles]
    “Then what are you doing here? This is not the best place to be.”
    “Look, you’re really young. Go! Go have an ad-ven-ture!” 
    “I know if I were in your shoes, I would.”
    “Here, check out this map…” (With some free brochures and publications in the seating area, he pointed me to places I should be going.)

    He: [smiling]
    “So now you’ve got your map, you’ve got your places… Go!” 
    “Go have an adventure!”
    “And I’m gonna leave you now to go wander around for a bit. You take care now!”

    Then came a moment while looking at them, I was drenched by a tide of emotions as I felt sad about my own struggles and how things were not going well on my side despite me trying to make an effort. It was a moment of vulnerability as I almost teared up with the urge to talk and open up about all that I’m going through. At that moment, I didn’t see them as strangers who happen to be at a bar, but rather like-minded guys who would understand me. However, it seems like advanced gay guys are so comfortably confident with themselves nowadays that they no longer remember what it feels like to be diffident, inadequate and inexperienced in the past.

    A friend of mine once told me to understand that these guys are probably done with whatever struggles they previously had and are now way ahead from the early stages of self-discovery and assimilation into gay life. Hence even if they might be able to relate or sympathise with all that I’m going through, all forms of expectation should now be thrown away because it’s not their job to “hold my hand”, even at moments of vulnerability. Nevertheless after an enjoyable evening, we exchanged contacts as the night ended with me feeling more positive about myself and gaining a bit more confidence as I planned my visit to another gay sauna the next day.

    This article has been republished with permission from M.  Visit M’s website to read more of his works.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • The Gay Asian DJs

    The Gay Asian DJs

    When you are dancing your heart out in the club, how aware are you of the DJ up there? I find myself saying “Oh, I like this DJ” or “I don’t like this DJ”. Who are these people behind the music? Does local DJs have what it takes to hold a global audience when masked behind a westernized beat? In the upcoming SongKran9 circuit party, we have three DJs who are all more than well qualified to be opening DJs: DJ Louis T from Malaysia for Wicked party, DJ Head from Hong Kong for Neon party and DJ Spectrum K from Thailand for Pharaoh party. SimplySxy takes the time out to get to know them better.

    SimplySxy: When did you start DJing—and what or who were your early passions and influences?

    DJ Louis T: I think probably 10 years ago and during that time, my influences were Danny Tenaglia, Peter Rauhofer, Victor Calderone and DJ Paulo too. I was in love with progressive house and tribal music. The tribal sound back in those days was different than current one.
    DJ Head: I started DJing 6 years ago, and I attribute my early motivation to a dear friend and mentor, Mr. Tony Moran.
    DJ Spectrum K: I love music at a very young age and have collected a lot of CDs. From CDs and music, I learn to speak English.

    SimplySxy: What do you personally consider to be the incisive moments in your artistic career? 

    DJ Louis T: There are a few moments. The first of cause is the moment when I saw how my music brought joy to people, that always makes me smile. I will start to take pictures and videos to capture those moments. Secondly, whenever I am hired for a big party or gigs like Mardigras 2012 in Sydney Australia and even my first SongKran party in Bangkok. During these parties when I see people enjoying themselves, it makes me jump up and down with them as well.
    DJ Head: The publication of my first compilation by NERVOUS RECORDS.
    DJ Spectrum K: In every (artistic) process there is an incisive moment. When you get the feeling that everything seems to make sense that is an incisive moment. Like when I look forward to go to work, feeling happy about my work and seeing a happy audience. It reminds me that my career in the music business is the right one.

    SimplySxy: What are the main challenges as a DJ and producing your own music?

    DJ Louis T: My main challenge is to manage my time between DJing, making music and my day job. I often exhausted flying around, come back and start work the next day. But when I am on my deck doing my stuff, everything else stop. I am totally focused and push all other worries aside. The music energizes me and I am not tired. I just want to play good music to the crowd. Plus the crowds keep me going the whole night.
    DJ Head: My main challenge is to maintain a good balance of giving the crowd what they want and what I would like them to hear.  Producing music is like cooking a meal, no matter how good your food is, your ultimate satisfaction comes from sharing.
    DJ Spectrum K: My main challenges as a DJ is to know how to please my audience without changing my style. I would like to produce my own music if I find the time and the right moment. At this point, I am just happy to see my happy audience dancing with me rather than lock myself alone and do music.

    SimplySxy: Do you believe in the possibility of “reading an audience”—and how do you put it into practice? Is the relationship with the GoGo dancers a collaborative one or a battle? 

    DJ Louis T: It is important to read the audience and play what makes them happy but it is also important to make sure you stay within your style and to play a set that you yourself enjoy. I always believe if I myself do not enjoy the music, then the set sucks. With the GoGo dancers, we need to have connection and communication. It is important too to play the right sexy beat so they can do their best to make the night great. It is never a battle, it is a collaboration. Usually we talked about this before the night, and I am a friend to most of them. I love them.
    DJ Head: Reading the audience is necessary, which is why you want a live set.  As for GoGo dancers, it really depends on the production. I work with organizers to make sure that the performances would enhance the set but if say, the timing, frequency or lighting etc. is off then it could be distracting to say the least.
    DJ Spectrum K: All this should come naturally when you are in the club, you can see people how they react. The main focus is the body language whether people are happy, dancing and enjoying. All this will show on their face. As for GoGo boys, it is mostly collaborative but sometimes, a GoGo show changes its mood when they want to perform other types of music or the show is running too long. That makes the audience lose their rhythm and the DJ has to restart the uplifting mood again, unless the GoGo dancers are the professional ones who are able to dance hand in hand with the DJ music style.

    SimplySxy: How much, do you feel, is the club experience shaped by cultural differences? Do you, when travelling, take these cultural differences into consideration when DJing?

    DJ Louis T: There will be cultural differences in different countries of course. I often find the Asians love their vocals and tribal, not much After Hour. In the West, lesser vocals, more After Hour, stronger tribal and they love to be teased (in music form). Traveling helps me to experiment new styles that fit these cultures but I often try to stick back to my style as much as possible.
    DJ Head: Cultural differences are not as big as one may think in this subject, although I do get inspired by different cultures in different cities and also at different times.
    DJ Spectrum K: When I get asked by friends “Where are you travelling next?” and I may say Seoul, or Guangzhou “China” (to name a couple). Their replies are always “Wow, do they have a scene?” or “Do they have clubs?” or “How do they know about dance music?”, or the best one is “Do they dance differently?” It’s funny because people learn and change. At first, Guangzhou’s side seems quiet and people don’t know how to dance but eventually, they learn and start to appreciate the music. With the social media, no city is left far behind for long. You can always find people who know how to party and appreciate good music in each city. So yeah, culturally speaking, festivals and clubs worldwide are slightly different. Some are more vocal than the others (yelling, screaming, enthusiasm) or they might allow smoking or not, or drinking or not, or age limits on entry. But this is everywhere, and I don’t see it so much as a cultural thing. Living and working in Bangkok allows me to try different things and being able to stay in touch with social media lets me get the latest music information. Due to the social media, almost everywhere is the same. Everyone knows each other so there is no great difference where you spin or work with different crowds.

    SimplySxy: How or what do you feel is the difference between DJs from Europe and USA as compared to Asian DJs or yourself. What edge do you feel that Asian DJs might have? 

    DJ Louis T: In my opinion, Asian DJs are very adaptable to different genres of music. Europe and USA DJs are very loyal to their roots and style. Asian DJs are also experimental.
    DJ Head: The circuit scene is dominated by music from USA and Europe so an Asian DJ does not really have so much an edge other than his fan base.
    DJ Spectrum K: Most Europe and USA DJs are well appreciated and respected compared to Asian DJ or maybe Thai DJ. I guess it’s the branding and how they market themselves. Most people will think that since the DJ is from overseas, he/she has got to be famous or popular. It is sad that Asian people don’t really support their own local DJs. Although I might not as popular as other European, American DJs, I do have fans who do appreciate me and I do consider myself blessed.

    SimplySxy: Since this article is for Simplysxy, what is your definition of Sexy?

    DJ Louis T: On people? Charisma, communication and talent. On music? A Sexy bass line.
    DJ Head: Profundity is sexy as I believe the art of seduction lies in enticing the object to further exploration.
    DJ Spectrum K: Everyone has a different definition of sexy but my sexy is all about good attitude and letting yourself go and have fun, stop being uptight, let your hair down, be humble and be nice. Leave the attitude behind when you are in the dance floor and that is what I called “sexy”.

    Check out our next Songkran9 article on the 10 Things you need to get ready for the Songkran9 Pool Party!

    https://soundcloud.com/dj-louist

    https://soundcloud.com/dj-spectrum-k

    Image courtesy of gCircuit
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  • What’s in a Gay?

    What’s in a Gay?

    Once upon a loneliness I decided to try something different in order to distract myself from that feeling inside. ‘That’ feeling I had incorrectly identified as loneliness. I have discussed loneliness here on SimplySxy before so I won’t go into it again, I will just reiterate that sometimes loneliness is what it is – and we must address this feeling and make changes in our lives (and in ourselves) that result in us feeling more ‘together’ as individuals and as couples/friends/whatever … and sometimes this ‘loneliness’ isn’t loneliness at all. It’s an itch that we need to scratch. An intuitive sense that something deep within is yet to be satisfied and explored…

    Do you know what heterosexism is? Heterosexism is where society, the media, magazines and mass belief conditions you into assuming that everyone is heterosexual. This results in the gay and bisexual man or woman, often, becoming confused because everywhere they look they are surrounded by images and stories that depict what is ‘normal’.

    The gay man or woman is being exposed to this mass media depicting white, heterosexuals often with a baby selling everything from holidays to shaving foam. Think about it. Think about looking at an advertisement, a magazine, a movie and thinking ‘where am I in all this?’

    How does it feel?

    It is all too common for this heterosexism to result in the gay man or woman (especially when they are younger) to start thinking: ‘There’s something wrong with me’ and ‘Where do I fit in?’. It’s almost as if you are invisible because your sexual preference is invisible.

    Now…..

    I am going to flip that entirely on its head:

    The same applies if you identify as gay and yet you have this heterosexual itch you have yet to scratch. In your gay world of gay magazines, gay movies, gay scene – gay gay gay – there is no room for you to suddenly decide that you want to taste pussy.

    Well fuck that – I did taste pussy, last year, and very nice it was too. Allow me to elaborate…

    The last thing that a gay man would do is eat pussy. Just as the last thing a straight man would do is suck dick. Either preference might dabble on the other side of the fence by fondling, mutual masturbation or voyeurism but in the main – the oral act is the least attractive when talking about performing this on the opposite gender you usually perform it on. So the moral of the story is, although I predominantly would describe myself as ‘a gay man’ – I’m clearly not, by definition.

    So: what’s in a gay? A human being. It really is as simple as that and last year a lady booked an appointment with me (I’m a Sex Worker) and it was a queer (pun intended) turn of events because my website is clearly aimed at men and I promote myself as a ‘Gay Escort’ and ‘Gay Masseur’ so why would a woman want to book? She liked my picture, loved the fact that I am also nurse trained and called me to ask if I would make an exception. It seemed fate was giving me a nudge.

    I pride myself on being as honest as I can be so told the lady that I was very inexperienced with women but would give it a go. I told her that I couldn’t promise bringing her to orgasm (because I had no idea how to do it), that it would kinda be an experiment and that I obviously would charge her less than the advertised price. I couldn’t say fairer than that.

    Later that day…. the female client is on the massage couch, legs akimbo with my face happily buried in her beauty…. my internal thought process went literally like this…

    ‘Oh!  It self-lubricates… wow it tastes so sweet…. hmmm: well I can’t be gay!’. Period.

    There are two sides to every coin and here endeth the lesson in ‘What’s in a gay?’ but you can easily apply it to yourself if you’re straight. Does it really matter that we have itches to scratch and how can we work with our own needs to make this happen? How can we step aside from the heterosexism of the mainstream and the homosexism of the sub culture to just, well, be ourselves?

    Answers on a postcard….

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • How to ask about HIV status properly?

    How to ask about HIV status properly?

    As a young gay man growing up in the wake of AIDS-related terrors, I was educated on the importance of practicing safe sex and knowing your status early on in my life. While the world has focused relentlessly on promoting sexual education, not much efforts has been put into teaching people how to ask about their partners’ HIV status properly. In some parts of the world, talking about HIV status is even considered a taboo. The question of how to strike the balance between protecting yourself and avoiding to offend others remains in many people’s minds.

    I have had the luxury of dealing with this question in two completely different cultural settings. Growing up in Taiwan, I never had the opportunity and access to learn about HIV until I became sexually active. After a few disastrous sexual experiences, I finally forced myself to actively search relevant information online. I can still recall the amount of pressure and fear in my mind during the process of learning all about HIV. It was especially tormenting when I waited for my HIV results, because I knew how society would judge me if the results turned out positive. After I slowly got used to dealing with the pressure, I became more aware of how the fear of being denied by society prevents many sexually active people from learning about their status. This negative effect also contributes to the general reluctance of asking about their partners’ status.

    Additionally, the cultural practice of not asking about people’s private matters further increases the awkwardness surrounding HIV testing. For most Taiwanese, unless you are forced to get tested and absorb more knowledge about sexual practices, the question of their partners’ status may never come to their mind. This not only increases their risk of exposing themselves to HIV unknowingly, but also strengthens the long-existing stigma surrounding HIV. In most cases, Taiwanese people feel offended when asked by others about their HIV status. The unhealthy mentality of HIV status inquiry equals to suspecting their sexual cleanliness remains common among Taiwanese people.

    My eye-opening moment came during my days in the United States. Although it wasn’t a surprise that Americans possess a much healthier attitude toward asking about each other’s status, my experiences there do help me a lot in clarifying some questions. Not only was HIV testing widely available, but the relax atmosphere I felt while getting tested also helped me to be more comfortable with it. The open-minded attitude surrounding HIV helps Americans to feel comfortable sharing their status with those who ask about it. Throughout my dating experiences, there was never that awkward moment when we asked each other about our status. Unlike feeling confronted by suspicion in Taiwan, we consider it as a responsibility to both parties’ welfare. The reassurance that comes after learning about your partners’ status helps to ease my way into the romantic part of dating.

    So it all comes down to attitude, mindset and social atmosphere when you ask others about their HIV status. An open-minded social atmosphere will help encourage the general public to adopt a healthier attitude to deal with HIV related issues. People are able to maintain a comfortable mindset while dealing with HIV inquiries if the atmosphere around them is encouraging and positive. All in all, it depends on how you choose to deal with HIV related issues, and also, how much you care about maintaining a risk-free sexual life.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • ‘Queer privilege’ is only a dirty term when you don’t acknowledge your privilege

    ‘Queer privilege’ is only a dirty term when you don’t acknowledge your privilege

    The title of this article alone is going to result in me receiving harsh criticisms from members of the queer community, because over the last five years or so the term ‘privilege’ has become part of an overarching social justice lexicon that serves to highlight the ways in which people are inherently treated better than others in society. This, in my mind, is unarguable. The fact that heterosexual people have rights that queer people do not is proof that society in structured unequally. The fact that people with disabilities and mental illness sufferers cannot access adequate services belies that same inequality. The fact that people of colour are disproportionately found to be the victims of violence, poverty, substance abuse, and incarceration all show that things are not equal. What we benefit from is called ‘homonormativity’.

    The usual response? ‘I’m not at fault for that merely because I’m (insert: white, straight, cisgender, able-bodied, etc.)’. It’s a strange response, because at no point does the concept of privilege, as outlined above, lay blame at the feet of any individual. It puts the onus on society as a whole – that society’s values, and the practices, actions, behaviours that stem from those very entrenched values. Any free-thinking, rationally-minded person cannot equivocate blaming a society with blaming an individual. It would seem to me, not that these respondents actually believe they are the sole cause of privileged oppression but rather, that they – subconsciously – feel guilty or defensive for not doing anything about it. In essence, they are not acknowledging their privilege.

    The first step is to acknowledge the privileges we both do and do not hold.

    I can see that I’m white. I’m not followed around a department store by the suspicious clerk, brow furrowed. I’m able-bodied. I’m not forced to snake my way around campus in a wheel-chair, avoiding stairwells and looking for elevators. I’m male. I’m not scared, walking through the ill-lit streets surrounding my city at night, of being raped. These are all things that make my life immeasurably easier, just because I was born the way I was.

    Similarly, I can see where I don’t have privileges. I’m gay. In my country, I cannot marry, though I’ve seen countless friends from my high school posting lovely pictures of their wedding ceremonies and receptions recently (now that we are all hitting our mid-to-late twenties). I come from a working class family. Other kids got the new gaming console for Christmas, or were not made to ‘grow into’ their school uniform, or were bought a car upon hitting seventeen years old. It seems illogical to say that where you are born on the social ladder doesn’t effect how easy or enjoyable parts of your life are.

    The Western, adult gay and lesbian community is very privileged. There I said it (and shall await the influx of emails). As a white, gay, man, I’m pretty sure I’m in a good position to state that. Western homosexuals have hit a point in the zeitgeist where we are fairly insulated from overt forms of discrimination and oppression. We do not receive the death penalty or incarceration for our sexuality; we earn almost comparable wages across a diverse range of industries (not being able to marry or have kids also has the upside of giving us higher disposable incomes and less debt, too); we own houses, run companies, garner fame; we are the subculture that has almost literally taken ownership over the male physique and the quest to perfect it (just as we’re assumed to have contributed the most to the female aesthetic through fashion and design). The mainstream, televised, consumed gay lifestyle includes designer clothes, designer hair, designer teeth, designer stubble, designer abs. Our ‘success stories’ are almost invariably white, able-bodied celebrities (Ru Paul being an exception on the white part). It is an incredibly privileged position to be in – if you conform enough to the cultural expectations of being white, male, able-bodied, or upper-class, then being queer doesn’t get in your way anymore.

    However, it would seem, it probably means you are not that queer anymore, either.

    I understand the keen need people have for acceptance. I get it. Assimilating into the culture around you serves to protect you from a whole lot of the ill will some elements in society direct at queers. It also has the added bonus (*cough* privilege *cough*) of being much more desirable, in terms of looks, wealth, influence, opportunity, respectability.

    The harsh reality is that, just as you cannot conform to being straight, other groups cannot be what they are not. You can be ‘straight-acting’ as much as you want, and society will not see you as a threat to long-held beliefs on sexuality; but femininity will continue to be seen as weak. You can use your whiteness against people on Grindr (“No Asians, Blacks, or Arabs”), but a person of colour cannot erase their race. You can use your income to buy a designer life; working class people cannot trick society into thinking they are upper-class. You can fetishise the perfect body, feeding the gym-junkie obsession; but some physically disabled people will never be able to live up to your standard of beauty. Trans women are hit from all sides – not being seen as a ‘real’ man or woman (whatever that means), being described as ‘mentally ill’, and not being able to afford to transition or receive mental health treatment through disproportionate amounts of poverty and employment discrimination.

    These are our privileges. Life is at least a little bit easier for you (and me), for no justifiable reason whatsoever other than the luck of birth. It’s kind of our responsibility to, at a bare minimum, acknowledge that. Once we do, we can get onto the real discussion – what to do about it.

    Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Choice or fundamental standards of decency?

    Choice or fundamental standards of decency?

    This particular news (Outrage after lesbian woman’s funeral was cancelled just 15 minutes before service – because pastor objected to memorial video of her kissing her wife) has gone viral over Facebook and the web generally. It raises interesting views over LGBTQ ‘choice’ and religion, a hotly contested topic. The debate is often centered around homosexuality being a choice and a lifestyle supported by big-name celebrities like Lady Gaga and Cory Monteith (RIP). The debate is further complicated by association with a dominant LGBTQ agenda, gay marriage. This particular newsbyte is a nexus of the above issues.

    It may be argued that many countries protect the rights of individuals to exercise free choice. It is said that just as many of our LGBTQ brethren live in a world where their ‘choice’ is supported, the choice of other people like Pastors Gary Rolando and Ray Chavez not to service LGBTQ families because of their religious beliefs should also be respected. To illustrate the context of this article, some followers of some religions, including Christianity, interpret religious teachings to say that homosexuality is unnatural or violates those teachings in some way. This has presumably caused Pastor Rolando to reach his view.

    It is not the intention of this post to enter into the LGBTQ ‘choice’ vs ‘nature’ debate. That debate has gone on for many years with proponents on both sides and is too lengthy to fairly deal with here. I, personally take the stand that LGBTQ is entirely natural. Of course, I am a Western educated, LGBTQ lawyer with my own preconceptions. My reflections below should be taken in that context.

    Free choice is a funny thing. It is a double-edged sword in which it can be empowering and yet dis-empowering at the same time. It can empower LGBTQ rights activists to fight for the choice to love and marry. It can simultaneously take away the rights of our LGBTQ brethren by saying, well no, your sexuality is a ‘choice’ therefore you have to bear the consequences of that ‘choice’, namely abuse and rejection by your family, friends and even third parties at your own funeral. What happens if your ‘choice’ to be LGBTQ clashes with a fundamental cornerstone of society, religion, who for many involves a ‘choice’ to subscribe, as is the case here?  With respect to this article, I would say if you truly respect a person’s free ‘choice’, you do not impose or impact on someone’s basic right to have a simple funeral. The Pastors were not asked to approve the LGBTQ couple’s choice to marry or have children. The Pastors were also not asked to make a theological stand whether LGBTQ ‘lifestyles’ should be recognised. The Pastors were asked to preside over a ceremony to celebrate a life unfortunately cut short. The family was grieving here over the loss of a wife and a mother. I would say that LGBTQ debates aside, there are fundamental rights of respect, decency and sanctity associated with the death of a human being that are cherished by most societies. This was denied to Ms Vanessa Collier.

    You could also suggest that Pastors are held to a particular higher standard in the community. They are respected as spiritual leaders whom the community looks to for guidance in yes, spiritual and theological matters relevant to their respective religions, but also in fundamental rights of respect, love, decency and sanctity. Even if a Pastor disagreed with a particular ‘choice’, he/she would be more respected if he/she was seen to uphold these fundamental rights, despite his/her own personal views.

    But, no, the Church here did not refuse the funeral completely, at least initially. They only requested that the video of the deceased and her wife kissing be removed. That’s reasonable, right?

    In my view, this is splitting hairs. How can a funeral be conducted without a memorial of a person’s life, however they ‘chose’ to live it? This seems to be a case of imposing one ‘choice’ over another ‘choice’, over a circumstance where both sides should bring their defences down temporarily in furtherance of higher purposes of love, respect, decency and sanctity.

    Thoughts?

    Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Challenges of a trans-lesbian

    Challenges of a trans-lesbian

    For lesbian, dyke, or queer-identified transgender women, most of us have had the most difficult time with acceptance. That is, accepting ourselves, having other women accept us, being accepted in women’s community, and desiring each other as women.

    When I came out as a trans woman, I was able to find that courage after years and years of shame. I thought I’d never become an “acceptable” woman – one who wanted to wear high heels, grow out her hair, “pass,” and be desirable to women. As I grew up and found myself as a feminist, I tried to reject these presumptions and stereotypes about trans women. At the same time, I found myself shameful about “wanting to be” a woman (even though I already was deep down inside). It was only when I saw different trans women in porn, trans women who fucked and loved other women, that I was able to say, “Holy crap, that’s totally me, and I can totally do this.”

    In a short time, I turned to sex work, as many trans women have done, partially for money reasons, but mostly because it worked for me and I wanted to do it. I continued to find myself as a kinky, queer woman through dominatrix work, and independently produced porn. While sex workers are painted as victims by society, I’ve found this mostly to be completely untrue. I’ve found it, like everything in life, to be much more complicated.

    My experience of being a trans dyke, and my relative privileges, has made me consider engaging in sex work that is most gratifying for me. When I, fortunately, came into some money, I wanted to invest that in producing great porn featuring non-straight trans women. So I came up with TransLesbians.com.

    While it’s generally unknown how many trans women identify as straight, bisexual, lesbian, or queer in the U.S., my experience working and meeting other trans women has proved that we have a very wide variety of sexual orientations. Anecdotally, I’ve known most trans women to be non-straight — and this applies to those of all different types of race and other backgrounds. Perhaps one of the most comprehensive and recent surveys by the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force agrees with this evidence.

    My sex work, and more specifically my porn, has attempted to show lesbian or non-straight trans women as authentic and complicated people with just as varied sexualities as cisgender women. When creating TransLesbians, my goals sound deceptively simple:

    1. Showcase really hot, nasty gonzo-style porn between trans and cisgender women without using the terms “tranny” or “shemale.”
    2. Capture real attraction and sizzling chemistry.
    3. Hire an all-trans women staff for support behind the camera.
    4. Provide a safe, comfortable, and responsible workplace.
    5. Pay performers as close to industry-standard rate as possible, and try to create a sustainable income for non-straight trans women sex workers.

    Undoubtedly, the challenges faced by lesbian and queer-identified trans women are as deep and complicated as how one experiences their identity. My unending hope is to create, first and foremost, a positive experience of trans women, and that this will inspire many more of us to find ourselves and embrace each other as women.

    Image courtesy of Emma Claire
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  • It’s all about the Bass

    It’s all about the Bass

    It’s all about the bass when it comes to a party. The right mix of booty shaking Go-Go boys and rad beat from the DJ. Music can make or break a party. You know a club is bad when no amount of alcohol can drown the beat away. A DJ should be able to hold his own—having his own style, passion and even cult following. In the upcoming SongKran9 circuit party, four major international DJs will grace the stage to bring the house down.

    Opening the night at SongKran9’s Wicked party is DJ Alain Jackinsky. He is known for his love of House music. He started DJing when he was a teenager for dance parties in high school mainly for his own personal pleasure. As a teenager, he would listen to mainstream dance music as he was lived far from a big city. However, when he turned sixteen, he discovered house music through New York City and very quickly fell in love with this style of music. Alain loves playing a club remix version of a song he personally enjoys listening to in his everyday life like those by Coldplay or London Grammar. He feels that the big challenge for a DJ is to find “the right mix” to play. This is also coupled with the stress of performance, long hours of traveling and instability of living out of a suitcase. DJing is not a constant vacation as some may seem. It is countless hours of work and the brain never really shuts off. Music becomes your life because even at the end, the music never leaves you. It will always stay with you. In a way, that is how Alain find some kind of stability in his life.

    For the main party, Neon, DJ Bent Collective will be DJing. The collective comprises DJ Steven Redant and DJ Danny Verde. Many years ago even before Danny became a DJ, Steven heard a track Danny made and loved it. It had something fresh, something poppy, and something like he has never heard before. Steven got in touch Danny and they started talking about music and their backgrounds and passion. Danny was very interested in DJing and Steven was extremely keen on producing. They have always stayed in touch but it was only when they found themselves in the same management company that they decided to create something together like the famous Avicii vs Nicky Romero remix entitled I Could be the One; a remix that will eventually launch Bent Collective into stellar heights. For Bent Collective, it is not just about DJing but also playing live music at the same time. One can expect to see live keyboards, samplers and drums and other instruments. Playing live gives Steven and Danny more liberty to goof around … and you can sure count on Brent Collective to be goofing around.

    Closing the three day event is DJ Alex Acosta at Pharaoh. Alex stumbled upon DJing around the beginning of 1995 in a club with over two thousand people. He was a cook at the club and the resident DJ did not show up that night. His friends had told the manager that Alex was a DJ, which was far from the truth. While Alex loved music and had his own rock band, he was not a DJ. The management asked him to bring his CDs and he ended up playing from 10pm to 3am. The night went so well that the management offered Alex a residency at the club. Alex attributes his influences to his dad who was a musician. At home, they would always listen to good music, from rock to Cuban music such as Bola de Nieve and Celia Cruz. Alex feels that while every place is unique and different , all of us basically listen to almost the same music in the likes of Beyoncé, Madonna, and Kylie—just to name a few—at the end of the day. However, what makes the difference in a DJ’s music is its production.

    Being able to create a great mix and reading the crowd is an essential skill that a DJ must have and all of these four DJs have mastered that skill. Going a bit harder, or darker, or lighter and adding vocals to give a mix the edge. It’s all about incorporating their own true style without forgetting the crowd. It’s all about the bass and perhaps that little bit of treble.



    Image courtesy of gCircuit
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  • Under Pressure to Perform During Sex

    Under Pressure to Perform During Sex

    So my name is Jakeb Arturio Braden and I have been writing articles and vlogging for many years now on the issues that affect my gay and bisexual brothers.

    So I am bearded and masculine and would classify as a bear of sorts and I have been and seen a lot of changes in things over the past 23 years since I first came out as gay.

    I enjoy sex, good sex, horny sexy feeling that deep connection with another man. I can’t help but think though that as gay and bisexual men we may put too much value in it as a way of expressing ourselves and connecting to each other. Especially in the bear community, every Bear film, photoshoot etc seems to always depict that sex is easy to come by. Always horny and we’re always ready for action at the drop of a hat. I recently watched Bear City 2 and Where the Bears Are Season Three.  Both these showed a parade of hot bears having porn style sex etc. Yes, Iain Parks is horny and physically my ideal bloke even though there are many sexy blokes in Where the Bears Are.

    Now I am not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing! I can’t help but wonder if we put ourselves under undue pressure in regards to our sex lives; what and how sex should be. Perhaps having unfair expectations of ourselves and our sexual partners. I am amazed at how many times guy lose interest because I am not going to turn up at their homes and perform like a porn star. Instant gratification much? Personally, I find the build up as much fun as actually having sex.  What is this really about? Have we really as a community just become a porn film or stereotype forced on us by the Gay Media?

    What is wrong about wanting a bit more from sex? Wanting a sense of connection.

    I am sure that actually, the intense passion and abandonment is more likely with someone you have spent some time to get to know than with someone you feel pressurised to “perform” for!  I’m not saying that it has to be all hearts and flowers, yet don’t we owe it to ourselves and each other to treat each other with a bit more respect than purely seeing each other as sexual objects?

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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