SimplySxy

Author: Steph Monteith

  • Why Sexuality Isn’t the Whole Story When it Comes to Love

    Why Sexuality Isn’t the Whole Story When it Comes to Love

    1. Love is lawless.

    There are no rules. You make the rules and no one can say anything about it!

    1. Love isn’t sex.

    That’s just one expression of it. All relationships have to find an expression of love that best suits that relationship. And that expression is really nobody else’s business.

    1. Love is unconditional.

    When you love someone, you love who that person is, not what that person is.

    1. Love is a container for growth.

    It’s two (or more) people who are trying to grow on different but aligned tracks. It’s supportive and encouraging and honest. You can try new things and expose your pains and grow in ways you never thought possible. There are difficult times and then there are good times that make it all worthwhile.

    1. Love isn’t dependent.

    Love isn’t about needing somebody because you’re incomplete. Love is about recognizing that you’re whole and complete on your own, but that another person makes the journey much more fun. Love is about partnering up with somebody else to create something that’s never existed before.

    1. Love is worth fighting for.

    You have to get up and fight for your love every single day. You have to fight to love yourself as you are.

    1. Love isn’t a choice.

    Love isn’t conscious. It’s not something you can will into your life whenever you please. It will hardly ever come when you expect it to. It will hardly ever look like you thought it would. But you’ll know it when you feel it. It’s a feeling deep inside you that you don’t want to let go of. It’s a deeper, internal yearning that supersedes all reasoning. And, against all logic, you plunge full-force into this crazy little thing called love.

    Edited to meet copyright requirements.
    Reproduced with permission and thanks from http://www.mindbodygreen.com and Mike Iamele
    For the full article please see http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15147/why-sexuality-isnt-the-whole-story-when-it-comes-to-love.html

     

  • I’m an Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell in Love with His Best Friend)

    I’m an Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell in Love with His Best Friend)

    Mike was a “figured out” guy, an unquestionably straight man who came to the realization that he had fallen in love with his best friend.

    After a bout of serious illness, his roommate took care of him and saw to his daily needs. Gradually he found himself looking forward to seeing Garrett when he came back from work, he missed him, he became the light of his life.

    It occurred to him that he might be in love. Of course he shook it off but that unmistakeable feeling made him reconsider. One day, Mike took up the courage to say “I think I’m in love with you.” Luckily for him, Garrett shared the same feelings.

    Both had no idea how to make things work. There was a possibility that it could not work. But it was a relationship.

    Mike says “In every moment, we’re changing and evolving and growing. In every moment, we’re reconstructing our identity. We’re not defined by our decisions from two years ago. We’re not even defined by our decisions from two minutes ago. We’re defined by who we choose to be in this very moment.

    We’ll never be “figured out.” Over the course of our lives, we’ll constantly be transforming into a more and more authentic version of ourselves. Our preferences will change. Our passions will change. And we have to be brave enough to choose the thing that makes up happiest in each individual moment.”

    Edited to meet copyright requirements.

    Reproduced with permission and thanks from http://www.mindbodygreen.com and Mike Iamele

    For the full article please see http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14997/im-an-otherwise-straight-man-who-fell-in-love-with-his-best-friend.html

    Labels and misconceptions

    I thought this was a particularly poignant story to share with our SimplySxy readers. When we think about sex and sexuality, we often forget an essential aspect of love.

    I think it is fair to say that all of us are brought up with a particular identity, mother with father, boyfriend with girlfriend, gay or straight. For some of us at adolescence, we have an opportunity to reassess our identity. Sometimes our strong bonds of identity inculcated in us from childhood makes us resist feelings, which un-mistakenly pull us in a particular way so we deny those feelings.

    Sometimes we place a label on ourselves. No, I am definitely straight. No, I must be gay. It’s a natural human instinct to define what we don’t know to help us make sense of that unknown. To reinforce that definition, we push away our innermost feelings and attach negative misconceptions about a particular sexual tendency. We even go as far as to hate people who have accepted that part of themselves. For example, “ew he’s gay, I hope he doesn’t come on to me’.

    I propose, in the spirit of openness that Mike’s story evokes, that we ask ourselves, as honestly and without judgment as is possible, “could I be different?” The answer, in my view is, probably; maybe; who really cares other than myself?

    Am I over-simplifying things? Possibly. There are other very important considerations, like family approval, legislative prohibitions, to name a few. It is however, still up to you to make your relationship work and more importantly, to be brave and want to make it work. Is it worth fighting for?

    On Love and other things

    Mike is truly blessed (I don’t use that word often, its bastardised in many ways) to find love and be reciprocated at the same time. I can only wish I can find my way on the same path as he did. But love is difficult and fraught with trials, rejections and tribulations. But as Mike encourages, be brave and hold on.

    xoxo Steph M

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
    Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy?  Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • Lesbian Funeral Gone Viral

    Lesbian Funeral Gone Viral

    The cancellation of a lesbian funeral in Denver, Colorado, in Jan 2015 has gone viral over Facebook and the web in general. This raises interesting views over LGBT ‘choice’ and religion, a hotly contested topic. The debate is often centered around homosexuality being a choice and a lifestyle supported by big-name celebrities like Lady Gaga and Cory Monteith (RIP). The debate is further complicated by association with a dominant LGBT agenda, gay marriage. This particular newsbyte is a nexus of the above issues.

    It may be argued that many countries protect the rights of individuals to exercise free choice. It is said that just as many of our LGBT brethren live in a world where their ‘choice’ is supported, the choice of other people like Pastors Gary Rolando and Ray Chavez not to service LGBT families because of their religious beliefs should also be respected. To illustrate the context of this article, some followers of some religions, including Christianity, interpret religious teachings to say that homosexuality is unnatural or violates those teachings in some way. This has presumably caused Pastor Rolando to reach his view.

    It is not the intention of this post to enter into the LGBT ‘choice’ vs ‘nature’ debate. That debate has gone on for many years with proponents on both sides and is too lengthy to fairly deal with here. I, personally take the stand that LGBT is entirely natural. Of course, I am a Western educated, LGBT lawyer with my own preconceptions. My reflections below should be taken in that context.

    Free choice is a funny thing. It is a double-edged sword in which it can be empowering and yet dis-empowering at the same time. It can empower LGBT rights activists to fight for the choice to love and marry. It can simultaneously take away the rights of our LGBT brethren by saying, well no, your sexuality is a ‘choice’ therefore you have to bear the consequences of that ‘choice’, namely abuse and rejection by your family, friends and even third parties at your own funeral. What happens if your ‘choice’ to be LGBT clashes with a fundamental cornerstone of society, religion, who for many involves a ‘choice’ to subscribe, as is the case here? With respect to this article, I would say if you truly respect a person’s free ‘choice’, you do not impose or impact on someone’s basic right to have a simple funeral. The Pastors were not asked to approve the LGBT couple’s choice to marry or have children. The Pastors were also not asked to make a theological stand whether LGBT ‘lifestyles’ should be recognised. The Pastors were asked to preside over a ceremony to celebrate a life unfortunately cut short. The family was grieving here over the loss of a wife and a mother. I would say that LGBT debates aside, there are fundamental rights of respect, decency and sanctity associated with the death of a human being that are cherished by most societies. This was denied to Ms Vanessa Collier.

    You could also suggest that Pastors are held to a particular higher standard in the community. They are respected as spiritual leaders whom the community looks to for guidance in yes, spiritual and theological matters relevant to their respective religions, but also in fundamental rights of respect, love, decency and sanctity. Even if a Pastor disagreed with a particular ‘choice’, he/she would be more respected if he/she was seen to uphold these fundamental rights, despite his/her own personal views.

    But, no, the Church here did not refuse the funeral completely, at least initially. They only requested that the video of the deceased and her wife kissing be removed. That’s reasonable, right?

    In my view, this is splitting hairs. How can a funeral be conducted without a memorial of a person’s life, however they ‘chose’ to live it? This seems to be a case of imposing one ‘choice’ over another ‘choice’, over a circumstance where both sides should bring their defences down temporarily in furtherance of higher purposes of love, respect, decency and sanctity.

    Thoughts?

    xoxo

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
    Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy?  Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • Traditional Japanese Sex

    Traditional Japanese Sex

    This article is based on extracts from a very interesting and colourful book: Jina Bacarr The Japanese Art of Sex – How to Tease, Seduce & Pleasure the Samurai in your Bedroom, Berkeley CA: Stone Bridge Press, 2004

    Modern Japanese porn, both gay and straight, is so widespread (no pun intended), given the reach of the internet. Names like Maria Ozawa and Coat define the genre for many males (and females!). Did you ever wonder how the Japanese did it in the days of yore? Perhaps you have seen shunga or have heard of the grandmaster Katsushika Hokusai. What in the world are shunga or Hokusai? Below are some that I have seen on the web.

    1
    © “Shigenobu – Man and woman making love – 2”. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Shigenobu_-_Man_and_woman_making_love_-_2.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Shigenobu_-_Man_and_woman_making_love_-_2.jpg

     

    2
    © “Shunga-Keisai Eisen” by Keisai Eisen – http://www.ukiyoe-paintings.com/Untitled-se7.html. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Shunga-Keisai_Eisen.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Shunga-Keisai_Eisen.jpg

     

    However, traditional Japanese sex was not confined to the Edo-version of Penthouse. According to Bacarr, traditional Japanese sexuality was subtle. She notes that the Japanese geisha embodied many of the characteristics that defined Japanese sexuality. How?

    1. Confidence: The geisha exuded confidence in their own sexuality which is the first step in seduction. They were not shrinking violets but were not nymphomaniacs either. They would cast subtle glances, and exchange eye contact. They would even go as far as to turn around carefully, to make a man think she had fallen in love with him. This is oddly similar to ‘cruising’ for gay men.
    2. Posture: The geisha was careful about posture. Their clothing, along with mental and physical discipline, was just as important as maintaining their body posture. Translation: Slouching was/is not sexy.
    3. Poise: Related to posture, the geisha never rushed or was out of breath. There was a certain elegance to their movement, folding their legs elegantly when they sat down.
    4. Iki: Iki is a characteristic that is associated with. It embodies making an impact but at the same time not deliberately trying to be so. Bacarr notes that iki’s aim is to achieve a “simple, striking elegance of inner character” that is mirrored outwards in how you dress and carry yourself. The geisha flirted but with a controlled eroticism. How does this translate into sex? The geisha wore clothes that hinted as to their eroticism, an ‘accidental’ slip of a dress, the flash of a bare leg perhaps. For us modern times, this could be wearing erotic lingerie for your man. The geisha always spent hours dressing, doing her makeup in accordance with her own personal style.
    5. Rapport: Geisha knew how to interact with their clients. They allowed them to talk about their interests, playing on an inherent need of many men to talk about their views on a subject. They bantered with the men on the topic of the conversation, fearless in putting forward their point of view. This captured the attention and ultimately the hearts of men, which often led to something further.
    6. Sexual positions: Ok, enough about the teasing. Let’s talk about sexual positions. Bacarr introduces a number of suggestions, too many to include here. One called ‘Fish Eye to Eye” is where the lady and man lie facing one another, sucking each other’s lips and tongues. The lady raises one leg above his body while he spreads his legs slightly. With one hand supporting the lady’s upraised leg, the man enters the lady.
    7. Playing together: Sex manuals from the Edo era introduced the double dildo, which was designed to work in simultaneous penetration. (For the uninitiated, the double dildo is shaped in the form of two penises joined together, pointing at opposite points). The lady can insert one end of the double dildo while the other end enters the man/ lady vaginally or anally whichever is preferred. Wonderful for threesomes.

    Bacarr’s book is certaintly full of imaginative ideas for sex and sexuality (both straight and LGBTI) and is certainly worth a read.

    3
    © http://pixabay.com/en/geisha-retro-vintage-japanese-asia-439322/

     

    Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
    Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy?
    Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • Choice or fundamental standards of decency?

    Choice or fundamental standards of decency?

    This particular news (Outrage after lesbian woman’s funeral was cancelled just 15 minutes before service – because pastor objected to memorial video of her kissing her wife) has gone viral over Facebook and the web generally. It raises interesting views over LGBTQ ‘choice’ and religion, a hotly contested topic. The debate is often centered around homosexuality being a choice and a lifestyle supported by big-name celebrities like Lady Gaga and Cory Monteith (RIP). The debate is further complicated by association with a dominant LGBTQ agenda, gay marriage. This particular newsbyte is a nexus of the above issues.

    It may be argued that many countries protect the rights of individuals to exercise free choice. It is said that just as many of our LGBTQ brethren live in a world where their ‘choice’ is supported, the choice of other people like Pastors Gary Rolando and Ray Chavez not to service LGBTQ families because of their religious beliefs should also be respected. To illustrate the context of this article, some followers of some religions, including Christianity, interpret religious teachings to say that homosexuality is unnatural or violates those teachings in some way. This has presumably caused Pastor Rolando to reach his view.

    It is not the intention of this post to enter into the LGBTQ ‘choice’ vs ‘nature’ debate. That debate has gone on for many years with proponents on both sides and is too lengthy to fairly deal with here. I, personally take the stand that LGBTQ is entirely natural. Of course, I am a Western educated, LGBTQ lawyer with my own preconceptions. My reflections below should be taken in that context.

    Free choice is a funny thing. It is a double-edged sword in which it can be empowering and yet dis-empowering at the same time. It can empower LGBTQ rights activists to fight for the choice to love and marry. It can simultaneously take away the rights of our LGBTQ brethren by saying, well no, your sexuality is a ‘choice’ therefore you have to bear the consequences of that ‘choice’, namely abuse and rejection by your family, friends and even third parties at your own funeral. What happens if your ‘choice’ to be LGBTQ clashes with a fundamental cornerstone of society, religion, who for many involves a ‘choice’ to subscribe, as is the case here?  With respect to this article, I would say if you truly respect a person’s free ‘choice’, you do not impose or impact on someone’s basic right to have a simple funeral. The Pastors were not asked to approve the LGBTQ couple’s choice to marry or have children. The Pastors were also not asked to make a theological stand whether LGBTQ ‘lifestyles’ should be recognised. The Pastors were asked to preside over a ceremony to celebrate a life unfortunately cut short. The family was grieving here over the loss of a wife and a mother. I would say that LGBTQ debates aside, there are fundamental rights of respect, decency and sanctity associated with the death of a human being that are cherished by most societies. This was denied to Ms Vanessa Collier.

    You could also suggest that Pastors are held to a particular higher standard in the community. They are respected as spiritual leaders whom the community looks to for guidance in yes, spiritual and theological matters relevant to their respective religions, but also in fundamental rights of respect, love, decency and sanctity. Even if a Pastor disagreed with a particular ‘choice’, he/she would be more respected if he/she was seen to uphold these fundamental rights, despite his/her own personal views.

    But, no, the Church here did not refuse the funeral completely, at least initially. They only requested that the video of the deceased and her wife kissing be removed. That’s reasonable, right?

    In my view, this is splitting hairs. How can a funeral be conducted without a memorial of a person’s life, however they ‘chose’ to live it? This seems to be a case of imposing one ‘choice’ over another ‘choice’, over a circumstance where both sides should bring their defences down temporarily in furtherance of higher purposes of love, respect, decency and sanctity.

    Thoughts?

    Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock
    Have an amazing experience or tips you like to SHARE on SimplySxy?
    Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • A Treatise on Fellatio

    A Treatise on Fellatio

    It’s just a penis, right? Probably not worse for you than smoking…

    So, most guys love it, right? Let’s be honest, most girlfriends and wives find it more of a ‘job’ and find it less than appealing to do it. As a result, the experience might be uncomfortable or even painful for the recipient. Doing it well however might make the whole experience more reciprocal and enjoyable for the both of you. This short article hopefully discusses the key points on a good blowjob (guy on guy/girl on guy).

    Cut or uncut

    This basic point makes a world of a difference and affects technique and process. For those not in the know, a cut penis is a circumcised penis with the foreskin removed. An uncut penis retains the foreskin. The foreskin protects the glans (head of the penis) from the outside, making it more sensitive. A cut penis, having no foreskin, is more exposed to the constant sensation of clothes and other stimuli. The approach between the two therefore is different and will be dealt with separately below.

    The process (uncut)

    If you’ve been fooling around for a bit, your man is probably already ready to go. But if not, gently use your tongue to tease the tip of the penis. Using your mouth, enclose the entire flaccid penis and suck gently. Be careful with your teeth when doing this. Try and curl your lips inward so your teeth don’t graze the goods! By now your man should be up and ready or on the way. Use your hand to gently draw the foreskin back to expose the glans. Do not pull back too hard too fast and too quickly as this will cause the foreskin to draw back on the frenulum (bottom of the glans at the tip of the penis) which may cause tearing of the skin and general discomfort. Curl your tongue around the glans and lick like you’re licking a popsicle stick. Don’t be afraid of using a bit of saliva. More lubrication allows more movement and more pleasure as a result.

    The shaft of the penis is also important. Lick up and down, curling your tongue along the way. Suck gently along the way, especially focusing on the glans. Keep the shaft wet so you can slide your hand up and down the shaft. Again, you are not shaking a martini: do not stroke/slide your hand quickly and too fast. Particularly in an uncut gentleman, this may cause some tearing, pain or discomfort. Your man will give you a good idea of what is a good speed and pressure. Many women move up and down the penis with their mouth, simulating entry into the vagina. The verdict is still out on this method. Some guys find this pleasurable, others, not so much. I tend to think, if a man can do the same with your vagina, why get a blowjob? I would recommend paying more attention to the glans and shaft as outlined above.

    Your man does not just have a penis. His other jewels are also a whole new world of pleasure. Play with them with your fingers while you are sucking him off. Then take a ball in your mouth and again suck gently. Lick the balls while you stroke him. That should give him a world of pleasure to think about.

    The process (cut)

    Cut penises are in a world of their own. The big difference is because there is no foreskin, the glans is exposed constantly to outside stimuli like the fabric of clothes/ underpants/ water when bathing etc. It is therefore less sensitive than on a guy with a foreskin. This does not mean that the glans should be ignored completely; there is feeling there, just not as intense as an uncut gentleman.

    In this case, I would recommend less attention on the glans but instead focus on the corona (no, not the beer) where the glans meets the shaft, the slight lip on the glans. Pay some attention in licking that sweet spot as it is usually less de-sensitised than the rest of the glans. Some guys have a row of little bumps on the corona. That is a good place to be stimulated with your tongue.

    Otherwise the same attention to the shaft and balls apply to the cut gentleman. Lots of saliva and lubricant to stroke his penis while sucking would be ideal.

    The other regions

    The penis and balls are not the only erogenous zones that you can target when you are down there. Between his legs (where his thighs meet the crotch) is a good spot to kiss and gently lick. They are areas which do not receive much stimuli normally and therefore are particularly sensitive to a wet mouth.

    If you are adventurous, you can move down to his perineum, the region between his anus and testicles. Also a region that does not receive much stimuli, this can be extremely pleasurable for your man if you lick and suck this area. I’ll go into this in a later article but good hygiene is a must.

    Deepthroating

    This is for the more advanced class. You’ve probably heard that guys love this. Porn movies show this all the time and the guy usually groans like heaven on earth. It’s not usually as dramatic as that though it feels good. If your man really wants you to do it, the secret is practice, practice, practice. Practice on swallowing something about the size of your man’s penis (a carrot or your vibrator) to get your gag reflex used to something down that far your throat. Make it clear to your man however, that pushing your head down on his penis does not encourage you to deep throat and is frankly just rude.

    Orgasm

    Ah, the big finish. Unfortunately, many men have different ways in which they can make themselves cum. This might be a question of how fast they want to stroke their penis, the amount of pressure they put on their glans, amount of lubricant or level of arousal. It is difficult to replicate this with your mouth. Therefore, making your man cum after doing all that work down there is not always possible. It is rewarding when it does happen and it could happen from time to time for a various range of reasons but don’t be disappointed if it does not happen. Sex, including oral sex, is not about climax or cum. It’s about a coming together of two people who want to express their affection for each other by giving each other mutual pleasure. Orgasm is only a small part of that.

    Happy sxing,

    Steph