SimplySxy

Tag: Love

  • Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    We are often taught that being in a long-term, committed relationship requires giving all of yourself to another person— sharing every deep secret, vulnerability, and insecurity with another in order to build trust and most importantly, intimacy. And while this type of emotional closeness cultivates security and lasting love, it also correlates with another staple of long-term romantic relationships … the decline of sexual desire.

    Ask any couple’s therapist or sex therapist what is the most common problem their clients present to them and they will almost always give you some version of “we aren’t having enough sex” or “he/she doesn’t seem to want sex anymore.” Having less sex as time passes in a relationship or the dwindling of that initial passion felt during sex is very common. This is usually attributed to “the novelty effect” wearing off or being stuck in a routine. Of course there are other reasons for a decline in sex—health issues, infidelity, and trauma to name a few—but another more pervasive and encompassing issue is the enmeshment and dependency that occurs when we share everything with our partner. Hobbies, favorite foods, books, and social activities often naturally become a “shared experience” or something that “we” do instead of something that “I” do or “he/she does.” Many times our partner is the first or only person we come to with problems about work or with our families. We start to feel that it is not only natural, but necessary to unload all of our worries and concerns onto our partner because this brings us closer, sharing every thought and emotion we may have.

    Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, speaker and author of the book “Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” theorizes that our natural human need for security and stability in relationships is at direct opposition to our equally important need for adventure, novelty, and discovery. What ends up happening in long-term couples, she says, is the tendency to get “too close” to our partner, making it impossible for that newness and excitement to exist. This makes the passion and desire that fuel satisfying and pleasurable sex difficult to (pardon the pun) come by.

    Perel emphasizes the importance of “the space between self and other” when considering how to reignite or maintain desire in a long-term relationship. In a recent article on “reigniting your love life,” she suggests viewing your partner as if “he or she is only on loan, with an option to renew.” Recognizing your partner as an autonomous, independent person with inner thoughts, past experiences, and fantasies that you are not privy to will result for most people in a new found curiosity about your partner. Being curious perpetuates interest and the realization that regardless of how long you have been together, there are still parts of this other person you have yet to discover. Recognizing your partner as separate from yourself creates distance and therefore room for desire to grow.

    Spending time apart by engaging in different extracurricular activities or taking a trip without the other is one way to create actual physical space (thus the idiom “absence makes the heart grow fonder”), but creating emotional space can be just as important. Balancing or limiting how often you go to your partner to “vent” about work or family issues by talking to friends or mentors instead or engaging in new behaviors to cope with everyday stress like exercise or journaling are helpful. Resisting the urge to pry for details about your partner’s exes, their family drama, or other past experiences and trying to be content with the fact that if something is important, your partner will share it with you is also worthwhile. Sometimes, simply taking a moment and remembering what it was like when you and your partner first met and identifying what drew you to them, emotionally and sexually, can ignite feelings of longing. Think about that first month when so much was unknown and how their smile, the way they smelled, and the thought of seeing them again caused that little flip in your stomach. Remember that feeling and those memories the next time you are with your partner and see what happens …

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  • Inviting Failure into Your Relationship

    Inviting Failure into Your Relationship

    “Failure is an event, never a person; an attitude, not an outcome.” Zig Ziglar

    If you’re anything like me, you hate failing. Failing means you’ve made a mistake and that means feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or frustration. Failure also can mean you’ve let yourself down, or worse, someone you care about. You’ve probably heard the saying, “Failure is not an option.” But what if I told you that one of the most valuable things you can do in a healthy relationship* is to invite failure?

    Failure is an option. Where does failure come from?

    Failure can be the result of having taken a risk. You can fail when you try something new or when you reach for something beyond our grasp. You can fail when you’re living a bold life, when you embrace change. And, sometimes you fail when you hide from your truth or silence your voice or forget who you are.

    Within the context of relationships, I’m not talking about failure that comes from living life passively, or from cruelty or neglect. I’m talking about loving failure. Loving failure means you’re showing up and you’re doing your best, even when you know sometimes your best isn’t going to cut it. It’s within the embrace of loving failure where you and your partner can achieve greatness. Because failure is gritty and ugly and real. When you fail, you gain new insight or a new perspective that you never would have had otherwise, but that growth comes with a price.

    The cost is vulnerability and a willingness to be seen. It means taking responsibility when all you want to do is run and hide. But, when you create space within a relationship that allows for failure, you are giving yourself and the people you love permission to experiment and grow.

    So, the question is: Do you want a relationship that offers enough safety and support to the both of you that you’re willing to take risks and to dig deep, regardless of the outcome? If so, then you have to be brave enough to invite failure into your relationship.

    Hello, there Failure. Come on in. Make yourself at home.

    Having the courage to fail

    Too often, failure is the end of a dialog rather than the beginning of one.

    What would it look like if you made yourself vulnerable and said, “I’m going to try something. I may not do it well, but I’m going to try it anyway.” How would you feel if your partner recognized you in that moment and thanked you for being brave? What would it feel like if you said something scary, if you took a risk, and your partner responded with gratitude? Would that make you more likely to take another risk down the road? To be brave more often?

    Failing Toward Happiness Rule #1: When someone is brave and vulnerable, acknowledge and thank them, even if you don’t like the message itself.

    Sample script: “Thank you for being brave and admitting you were wrong. My feelings are hurt, and I need time to dig into that. I know that wasn’t easy to say, and I’m grateful you felt you could share that with me. Let’s talk about this some more.”

    Acknowledging when someone takes a risk or makes a mistake does not mean sweeping your feelings under the rug. Instead, allow space for both of your experiences to co-exist. This single act has the potential to transform your relationship in a radical way. When you make it a habit to recognize vulnerability and to show gratitude for risk-taking, you create a framework within which you can both try new things and ask for change without feeling like you’ll be rejected or judged.

    Failing Toward Happiness Rule #2: When you fall on your face, own it, learn from it, and move on. And, remember, it’s OK to ask for help.

    You are going to fuck up. In fact, I’m willing to bet at some point, you’re going to fuck up rather spectacularly and probably more than once. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t hide from the truth, even if you feel like you’re drowning in shame, fear, or pain. Don’t let one mistake overshadow everything else. Give yourself space to feel all of your scary feelings and then stand up, admit where you went wrong, be honest, ask for what you need, and move on.

    Sample script: “I messed up. I’m going to fumble this, so please be patient as I talk this out. I’ve been unhappy with our sex life for the past few months and I know it’s unfair, but I’ve been faking my orgasms because I was worried about hurting your feelings. I’m sorry. I’ve realized I need more foreplay to get off. I really love the way you touch me, so can we try a few new things that would be hot for both of us?”

    The worst thing you can do when you screw up is to play the finger-pointing game. Blame and guilt do not create an environment that encourages vulnerability and support. As tempting as it might be to shift the bad feelings off  you and on to someone else, stop, breathe, and take responsibility for yourself and your feelings. You’re going to make mistakes. When you do, you can either hide from the truth where it will fester and make you miserable. Or, you can do something scary and allow both of you the change to learn and grow towards something better together.

    Failing Toward Happiness Rule #3: Talk about failure before it happens and come up with a game plan for how the two of you will deal with tough situations.

    You aren’t planning for a zombie apocalypse or nuclear war. You don’t need to create a fallout shelter for your relationship and plan for every possible situation that might go wrong. But, it is a good idea to talk about how you and your partner want to handle conflicts long before anything comes up. You can also start a new practice in an existing relationship by negotiating new rules for how you handle issues and mistakes.

    Why would you want to do this? Isn’t it easier to work as a team when you have a basic outline during moments when tension (and emotions) are running high? Relationships often play out like tug-of-war, where you face off against your partner. Someone will win and someone will lose. Someone is right and someone is wrong.

    In reality, both of you lose within this framework. It’s as simple as that. When one of you fails and is suffering, the other, by definition, is rejoicing. Because there has to be a winner.

    That’s pretty fucked up, right?

    What if you looked at the game differently? What if instead of being opponents, you decided to approach problems as a team? What would it look like if when someone screwed up, you came together to find a way to lift each other up and over the obstacle?

    Because the thing is, you are going to fail. Your partner is going to fail. Somehow, someway, there is going to be failure. Either you’ll fail to clearly articulate your needs or you’ll fail to show up when your partner needed you or you’ll fail to listen at a moment when he really needed support.

    You can turn failure into something bigger and more important than the failure itself. If you two come together in those moments when tension runs high, you’ll have created something extraordinary. Instead of facing off against each other, you can join forces and say, “We got this.” Release blame. Don’t punish each other. Avoid creating an environment that’s hostile to slip ups or mistakes. Instead, have the courage to fail openly. That’s where the vulnerability is. That’s where you find truth and wisdom and growth. That’s how you create something stronger than the individuals in the relationship.

    Go forth and fail beautifully. I give you permission to mess up. I give you permission to have a bad day and to snap at your lover and to forget an important date and to ignore the rules sometimes. The question is, will you give yourself and your lover that same permission? Will you create a space where when things get tough, you work together to acknowledge each other’s needs and feelings so that you can find a way around or through the problem?

    The test of a strong relationship isn’t how well you deal with things when life is easy. The true test is when you have to face the messy reality of two imperfect human beings coming together and trying to create a life in spite of all the obstacles and the stress and the barriers. Failure can be a tremendous gift if you’re willing to shift your perspective just a little.

    Create a safe space for making mistakes.
    When things get gritty, work together instead of against each other.
    Own your feelings.  Take chances.  Get vulnerable.
    Aim for forgiveness instead of retaliation.
    And reap the rewards when you come out the other side stronger and more connected than ever.

    * Though the language in this article implies a single, monogamous relationship, this same model works for non-monogamy and polyamory.

    Dawn Serra, co-host of Sex Gets Real

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Are Men Really From Mars?

    Are Men Really From Mars?

    It has been ingrained in us since birth that men look for sex and find love and women look for love and find sex. For example, take every romantic comedy/romance novel ever written, women are often portrayed as the romantic saps whereas men are testosterone-filled and often sexually motivated. Research on attitudes toward sexuality and relationships supports this idea. For example, studies suggest that men report a stronger desire for casual sex, more permissive attitudes toward sexuality, and more sexually-oriented expectations for relationships as compared to women (Clark & Hatfield, 1989; Petersen & Hyde, 2010; Schmitt, Couden, & Baker, 2001).

    Despite these well-supported gender differences, most of the research has relied on self-reports, which measure explicit attitudes/preferences. These explicit measures are not very reliable because people can easily fake or enhance their responses to make themselves look better.One way to get around some of these concerns associated with self-reports is to assess implicit attitudes. Implicit attitudes are attitudes that exist just below awareness. They are the attitudes that people hold that they are not necessarily aware of. Thus, because these attitudes are subconscious, people are unable to fake or distort their responses.

    The most common way to capture these implicit attitudes is to use a computer test called the Implicit Association Test (IAT). In a recent study of mine conducted at the University of New Brunswick (UNB), myself and a colleague did just that. In particular, we were able to use the IAT to assess people implicit attitudes toward sex and romance (Thompson & O’Sullivan, 2012). By showing 182 UNB students, 68 men and 114 women, images of couples engaged in various sexual activities as well as images associated with romance, the IAT revealed that BOTH men and women displayed an implicit preference for romance as compared to sex. Meaning that men AND women preferred images portraying romance over those portraying sex.

    Although these results may come as quite a shock, it is not completely unheard of in academia. In fact, some studies have indicated that men may be just as romantic as women if not more. Specifically, the latest findings by psychologist Marissa Harrison (2011), from Pennsylvania State University in the US, determined that men fall in love quicker and take longer to fall out of love when compared to women. In fact, it was found that men were three times more likely to declare their love before women when involved in a heterosexual relationship.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

    Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

     

    Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

    Ready for a new emotion?  Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”.  It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

    So why am I jealous?  As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving.  But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

    Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn.  I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does.  After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode.  Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks.  That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

    I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack.  Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go.  I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break.  But how could I break free of the green stain?

    With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm.  I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change.  At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy.  Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

    “Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.  This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

    Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else?  Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love.  Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge.  I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

    Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs.  Philia is the bond of friendship.
  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship.  (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

    There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

    Storge is the familial love of parent to child.  Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined.  It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

    Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship.  We can replace jealousy with joy.

    You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion.  Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college.  There is pride of being a part of making that success happen.  And I like being a part of someone’s success.

    Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution.  By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts.  If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

    Now have I done it?  Not every time, but I’m working on it.  It’s not like one day you wake up compersed.  It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice.  And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it.  I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there.  No need to replay the old tapes.  My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger.  I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well.  It’s that simple and that difficult.  But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

    Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Dating & social media, do they fit?

    Dating & social media, do they fit?

    By now, almost everyone has Facebook, Twitter, Keek, Instagram, Vine, etc.  So, with all these social media outlets, how does it fair in love?  I personally feel like social media has taken over our lives.  When you are friends with the guy or girl you are seeing, you scour their Facebook activity to see who is commenting the most on their statuses, and if they are of the opposite sex.  It’s something many do, but beware, because this may cause an issue with your new mate.

    I have stayed away from being friends with my partner on Facebook.  I know most would say by my doing this, I will automatically cause a trust issue for my mate, but I don’t feel that it should cause a trust issue.  I am trying to prevent the jealousy issue people have when they see men comment or like my status, and I have no problem showing my partner my Facebook page when we are together.

    I’ve seen so many relationships end because of a comment someone made on a Facebook status.  No one can control what other people put on their Facebook or Twitter so there is no reason to get upset over every little comment!  Now, if your mate responds in a flirty fashion, then you can tell your partner you’re not okay with what they put as a response.

    I think social media has made things harder for people to date, and married couples are now making a Facebook page with both of their names, which to me is a waste of time.  Why create a new page?  That is just time consuming and everyone on your Facebook should know you are married already.  And if they don’t, then those people aren’t privy to your life and shouldn’t have access to it anyway.

    I’ve known couples where one has Facebook and the other does not.  I think this is the best way to go.  Men will always be flirty with women regardless if they know they are with someone or not.  I am not sure why this is so, but for me, I have always just said thank you or whatever generic response is needed for that situation.  I know that not all people will do what I do with regards to Facebook, but the important part is that both parties agree to how social media sites are used.  Which brings me to subliminal messages on social media.

    There are also people who fall victim to social media.  I have been a victim of social media and I know a lot of other people who have been victims from it as well.  Everyone knows about the Facebook subliminal messaging; people use these after a break up or if they are angry at someone.  When this occurs, your entire friends list and anyone who has ever liked the status will now know you have issues in your relationship.  I plead everyone to stop doing this!  It’s unnecessary and annoying.  I don’t want to know that your boyfriend didn’t take out the trash and that you are pissed, and I don’t think anyone else cares that he or she forgot the Sweetest Day (which I did this year, sue me it’s not on my calendar)!

    Social media will always be here.  There is no turning back, but please use it carefully, and remember not to use it when you have been drinking.  Even if you delete a status the day after, you have put it up for the world to see and everyone has already seen it by the time you delete it.  So please put the phone down while you are drinking or angry.  I have told everyone I know that when you are mad, write down what you want to say then wait an hour and go back and look at it.  After you go back and look at it, you will see that while being angry, you are most likely saying the same thing over and over again but in a different ways.

    Since social media will be here for years to come and we have learned new things about people we never wanted to know, remember this — it is hard to remove a comment or status even after it has been removed.  Everyone’s cell phone and computer signals update at different times, and you may not see that status any longer because you are the one who deleted it, but trust me my friend, many others have seen this update, even when you no longer can.

    I hope this has been helpful, and happy Facebooking!

    Christy is a dating & relationship coach and you can view her sexpert profile here. Photo credit: Shutterstock.

  • Love and Comparisons: Why do we compare ourselves to other people?

    Love and Comparisons: Why do we compare ourselves to other people?

    You date.  Find a great guy.  All goes seemingly well.  Then he dumps you.  You are devastated.  You are a strong woman, and you know you’ll go on.  But what does that take and how the hell do you do that?

    Cut to, a few weeks later.  You see his new squeeze.  Your ass is devastated.

    Does it ever benefit you to compare yourself to another woman?  Ever?  Ever?  But damn!  She’s so  pretty, outgoing, and funny…You’re either one second off to committing suicide, or dating her.  You don’t even know which to do first.

    Of course, you’ve guessed that this is art imitating life.  You are damn straight.  One thing I’ve always tried to do, is give back to the world what I feel I am missing.  So, kind souls, this is my contribution to society.  Thank me later.

    So why do we compare?

    I actually have no good answer for this.  I don’t know why we do.  We just do.  Maybe it’s our EGO, a impression of people’s reactions to us.  If they hate you, you hate you.  If the world, or a guy thinks someone else is better than you, then you, unfortunately think someone else is better…This is not ever true.

    Or, you accept the other person as better, because the person you dated chose them.  You respect the other person’s values so much, that you think:  “Wow, he chose her, and he’s amazing. So, maybe that other person is better than me.”  A pretty dangerous way to think.

    No matter how you do it, comparing yourself to another person will always  F-up your self-esteem.  Don’t do it, ever.  I love you.  Don’t do it=)

    What has helped me in this circumstance, is thanking the universe for presenting a dilemma like this to me.  Somewhere, deep down inside, I want to grapple with this.  If I didn’t, I would  have never been triggered.  The rewards of dealing with difficult situations are usually far reaching, so having this assignment – I welcome it.

    I also learned that it’s better to compare your new self with your old self.  As opposed to other people.  Why?  Because we will never win at comparing ourselves to others.  We simply can’t be them.  But one thing we can do, is to be exceptional, kick ass, and magnetic versions of ourselves.

    Look at who we were before this situation.  Make a list.  What did we do a year (or more ago) that we absolutely don’t do now.  Really think about it, and be thankful for who we are now, and where we’ve come.  If there is anything, we still want, GET IT.  Take care of your body if you want to, rid yourself of unsavoury relationships and people, if you feel that’s essential to your betterment.

    Lastly, It’s helped me  to ignore everybody!  Ignore all opinions good and bad, because they say “you’re never as good as people say you are, and you’re never as bad as people say you are.”  You’re somewhere in between, and if you rid yourself of outside validation; If you don’t live within the opinions of others…. You’ll  never fall victim to dreaded comparisons.  Relationship or otherwise.

  • The Love Experience

    The Love Experience

    “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” – Woody Allen

    Sexual stimulation is a pleasurable experience that can be fun and relaxing.  Sex and love can both create strong attachment feelings and one of the most profound experiences we have as human beings.  The capacity to love and feel loved leads to healthy and intense sexual interactions.  Love is one of the most well-known and least understood conditions in human nature.  Scientists say it’s a drive, similar to hunger or thirst, while psychologists may define it as a social or cultural phenomenon.  Regardless, it is the most universal emotion in the world with elements of each model that drives our need to love, including how sexual attraction and attachment style play a role in our relationships.  Studies in neuroscience show that as people fall in love, the brain releases chemicals that activate the pleasure center of the brain similar to drugs leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.  Love can be experienced in different forms.  Our first connections with love are during infancy and childhood, and can set up love schemas that determine our capacity to love others during adulthood.

    Self-Love

    Self-love and selfishness are sometimes confused.  Each has different sources and consequences.  Self-love brings feelings of confidence, competence, and we are much kinder and loving towards others.  Selfishness causes withdrawal, and lack of respect towards self and others.  Self-love and appreciation are directly related to the capabilities of loving and appreciating others.

    The following questions can help differentiate between self-love and selfishness:

    1. When was the last time you felt unhappy with yourself (insecure, irritable)?
    2. When did you last feel happy with yourself (proud, pleased with your personal qualities)?
    3. How did you behave towards other people on those two occasions (happy/unhappy)?  On which occasion were you kinder and more generous towards others?

    When you are unhappy with yourself is probably when you were more selfish.  When we dislike ourselves, the energy we put out is directed towards protecting ourselves and is not focused on how we are treating others.  It is when we love ourselves that we are most capable of giving to, and loving others.

    Love Schemas

    How we are in adult romantic relationships is related to the working models or schemas we develop early in life – usually from our first loving experiences with caregivers. As we grow and develop these schemas become more complex. There are six different love schemas that are similar to the attachment styles that develop during childhood:

    1. Secure – seldom worry about being abandoned and believe other people are trustworthy and have good intentions.
    2. Skittish – wary of intimacy and uncomfortable with closeness, expectations that relationships fail and fear of depending on others.
    3. Clingy – desire closeness and worry that their partners don’t love them or will leave them and fear being on their own and abandoned.
    4. Fickle – uncomfortable with closeness and independence and never comfortable with what they have. They are suspicious of commitment and fear entrapment.
    5. Casual – view love affairs as fun and lacks desire for commitment often fearing intimacy.
    6. Uninterested – not interested in relationships and gets little pleasure out of it and when they end often feels relief.

    The development of these love schemas depends on how comfortable we are with closeness, independence and how willing we are to be involved in romantic relationships.  Identifying our love schema can give insight on our attachment style and patterns in relationships.

    Love vs. Lust

    The beginning stages of love are full of arousal, intense sexual desire, anxiety over rejection, and an array of positive and sometimes negative emotions.  Whether it is lust, infatuation, or romantic love, a preoccupation with the loved one is common and unavoidable.  Lust is actually a normal and healthy human emotion and can be very pleasurable for two people in the expression of sexual interactions.  If two people do not deal with feelings prior to sexual activity lust can sometimes lead to pain and guilt.

    There is this old cliché’ that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.

    Even though society is slowly moving towards more gender equality in views of sex – surveys show that more women than men find sex only acceptable in a love relationship.  If one partner is more motivated by lust than love, it can lead to difficulties in a relationship.  The sharing of feelings and intentions by both partners can minimize feelings of guilt and exploitation that can arise when two people have conflicting motivations for a relationship.

    Dependency and Jealousy

    Feelings of dependency and jealousy are often associated with love and are often experienced by individuals that lack self-confidence and self-esteem.  The consequences are a false love that consists of manipulative, exploitive, and unhealthy love behaviors.  These feelings of dependency and jealousy are human and we all feel them at some point in our lives – they are painful and often unavoidable.  The healthiest way to cope with these feelings is to communicate them instead of accusing, attacking, blaming or shaming your loved one.  It will reduce the negative effects of dependency and jealousy.

    Here are questions to assess healthy love in your relationship:

    1. Have you continued to maintain individual interests, including meaningful personal relationships with people other than your partner?
    2. Are you and your lover friends? If your erotic relationship ended, would you continue to see one another as friends?
    3. Have you maintained a secure belief in your own values as an independent person?
    4. Is your relationship integrated with the rest of your life rather than set off or isolated from your other activities?
    5. Do you feel improved by the relationship? Have you become stronger, more attractive, more accomplished, and more sensitive since becoming involved with your partner?

    These are great questions to ask yourself and your partner if you are in a loving sexual relationship.  If either of you answered “no” to more than one question it is worth discussing and looking at possibilities of changing aspects of the relationship.  The quality of a relationship is not measured by the absence of problems – there is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship.  The qualities that are important include honesty, integrity, and concern for resolving problems in a way that meets the needs of both partners.

    Independent, mature, and self-confident people have the greatest capacity for healthy and loving sexual interactions.  Two adults in a relationship that form an erotic bond can share their whole self – and can enjoy each others similarities and accept and be comfortable with their differences.  If someone makes the other person the exclusive focus of one’s life, it can reduce the vitality of a relationship. The healthier way is for each partner in a relationship to develop her or his own potential and be able to contribute individual, unique qualities to a mutually satisfying and stimulating relationship.  This ideal is not easily attained or constantly maintained, but striving towards it contributes to the hope and pleasure that characterize lasting and loving sexual interactions.

  • Everyone’s Best Love Story

    Everyone’s Best Love Story

    I had dwelled over several wrong people in my life and during that time, I had not yet realized that I was only wasting my time and a huge amount of my emotions.  Had I known better, I would have made use of my precious time to moving on and embracing new beginnings.

    Most people would vouch that they have the best love story in the world and even I would say that.  I have had too many love stories compiled, and each one I had dramatically claimed to be the best.  After several relationship failures, all short-lived, I now find myself thankful that I did not invest too much of my time being committed to any person from the past.  I would also like to negate my declarations that those previous love stories were the best because (for me) failed love stories are not the best, they are attempts and are, in the simplest of explanations, not meant to be.

    I have had numerous destructive relationships, in which I see myself being stupid and doing stupid things.  I suppose that every broken-hearted individual yearns to justify his/her actions by trying to cope with in such a way that their level of maturity during that time dictates them rather irrationally.  If I had the power to reverse time and to do things over again, I would have done so many things differently.

    Matt and I share the same opinion in that aspect.  However, life is only lived once, thus, one cannot undo what has already been done.  In the course of every life, there are always regrets, moments lived only partially, and really big mistakes along the way.  These things do not sum up the highlights of one’s life but they serve ways to either break the person completely or make the person rise to his/her best.

    I would like to serve as a living testament that everyone has the power to overcome every hurdle, especially heartaches.  I have made heartache an excuse to get the best of me and enjoy the pathetic benefits of self-pity and empathy.  When everything has been said and done, it does not make anything better at all.  It only adds fuel to the fire, which eventually makes one’s life more miserable than it already is.

    How and for what reason I have gained the maturity to move on is not much of a miracle.  At first I thought I could find the miracle in the genuine kindness of other people; I thought with them I could survive.  I also once believe that I needed to force myself to be okay which I found it effective except for the “force” word.  “Choose” is rather the right word.  Moving on and getting better also happens with time but more than that, it comes with one’s determination to finally let go of the complications, leave the bad behind and start anew without holding on to anything or anyone anymore.

    What makes moving on long, tiring and difficult is the wrong notion that what caused it is synonymous to what could fix it.  The solution is only acceptance.  When one accepts the pain and is willing to move forward, s/he can push away unhealthy factors.  One can easily divert his/her attention, time, and emotion to positive things.

    It was after being able to live in that viewpoint that I found myself being directed to the many great opportunities in my life.  It was in being still and in letting God do His wonders that I found out that love only happens when you do not compel it to happen but let it happen in its own conditions and timing.

    I could truly say that despite the many drama and uncountable claims of love in my 20 years of existence, it was only after meeting my true other half that every “first” in love became authentic.  It does not matter who your first boyfriend or girlfriend was, your first kiss, the first person you made love to with, and how long you had been in a relationship with someone.  It is all about who you find yourself being most in love with, how passionately you kiss that person, how making love to the one you are with now is the best of them all, and knowing that you will stay together forever, with each day feeling as though your happiness is immeasurable.  When you finally find that person, everything that you do together as a couple is your “first” because only the two of you could live in those moments together, and those moments will be the most essential in your lives.

    You may fall in love several times and may fall in love with a person for a long time.  But you only truly love once and when you do, you never feel otherwise. You no longer fall in love for a long time but you stay in love for the rest of your life.  That is what counts.  For whatever consolation, you tell yourself that everything, including the messing up part, happened to lead you to the one meant for you.

    This is exactly what I want to share to every person who feels that his/her love story is the best in the world.  Your love story is indeed the best in the world because that is yours and that no one can take that away from you.  The past does not matter.  It is a different book, not a different chapter.  The moment you find your other half, it is the only love you will ever believe and live for your entire life. In that love story, you need not have to move on, you only move forward together.

  • Top 3 Signs That She is Serious About You (and Not Your Money)

    Top 3 Signs That She is Serious About You (and Not Your Money)

    There seems to be many “nice” guys who are willing to spend a lot on the girl they love.  However, you also want to be sure that she is not just a money-sucker.  Even though primitively, women are looking for men who can provide for their necessities, many have evolved to become materialistic.  It’s a thin line drawn here.  But here are some signs you can use as a guide to “gauge” if ALL she wants is YOU.

    1.  She is not fussy about who pays for dates

    While many guys don’t mind paying for meals and dates, this can be a good way to test if she really is a calculative one.  Never do this on the first few dates as this may portray you as someone very stingy and lacking generosity.  Leave your wallet at home on purpose for once, after the relationship is stable, and see how she reacts to this.  Don’t bother with this girl if she calls off the outing just because of that.  She cares more about money than spending time with you.  She is a keeper if she reacts positively.  Even if she doesn’t have much to offer, drinking coffee in the hawker can be a sweet date as well, because all that matters to her is your company and time.

    2.  She is not using material gains as a measure of your love for her

    “Buy XXX handbag for me if you love me”, “Buy me something that is a good measure of your love for me”.  Sounds typical?  She may not say this out right but implications of such is already a good-enough sign.  “Nice” guys are made to believe that giving expensive gifts to their partner is a display of love and sacrifice, and this makes her happy.  Yes, that is true but this encourages her to love you because of what you can give and not for who you are.  I am not saying that we should not spend on branded goods.  Again, it’s a thin line drawn.  It is OK to spurge once in a while for special occasions but using this as a way to blackmail or measure the amount of love you have for her is simply too superficial.  She is here to stay if she can occasionally accept, or even be contented with, “affordable” yet meaningful gifts such as a little card, a small cake, a drawing, a handmade rose..

    3.  She reciprocates in every way

    Many “nice” guys end up in a one-sided love relationship for a very long time, not even realizing that this has been getting very foolish and this girl is totally not worth their time.  They give almost everything they have – time, effort and finances – and the girl just takes it for granted.  You wait for hours under her house just to wait for her to doll up.  She thinks this is “reasonable and acceptable” and gives you this treatment as a “matter of fact” with zero respect.  You help run errands for her at the expense of your precious OFF day rest, and all you get is just  a cold “Thank you” at the end of the day.  If you are in such a situation, it is time to keep a look out for signs of reciprocity.   Does she do-likewise for you in a similar circumstance?  Does she also get you an expensive gift on a special day?  Does she also give you a small massage when you are tired?  Does she also hear you out, like the way you do, when you have a bad day at work?  In short, if you see that she is also putting in 100% of her effort, just like the way you do, you should really keep and treasure her.

  • To Be Had At Hello

    To Be Had At Hello

    So recently I found myself sitting on my ass in front of my computer on a Friday night, wondering what there was to do.  You see, the latest season of Survivor hadn’t started yet, so my Friday nights were pretty much wide open for adventure.  Except, having just gotten out of a long relationship, and realising that most of my girlfriends now had husbands and babies to contend with, I was pretty much left very alone to my own devices.

    I’m not usually the girl without a life.  And if you leave me alone with myself, I’m usually thankful for some peace and quiet, a little ‘me’ time, where I can do anything from paint my nails to write a Taylor Swift-esque breakup song.  But sometimes all you want is to chill out somewhere with someone with whom you can enjoy some good conversation.

    So what’s the modern girl to do?  Set up an online profile of course.  Upload a couple of cute camwh*** pics, fill in an essay or two about my personality, and then, well, wait.  Me being the forward kind of girl, I mostly just click around everywhere and randomly send messages to people whose pictures or profiles catch my eye.  But, just like with some other things in life, if you give, you should also expect to receive.

    And receive I do.  According to the stats on one dating site, I get an average of about 150 views a week, out of which maybe 30 to 50 actually translate into a message in my inbox.  That’s quite a lot of emails to read!  You’d think, wow, so many guys are interested; she must be spoilt for choice!

    Hold it right there, buster.  Photos and personality notwithstanding, let’s just consider why half of these messages will get chucked by me in an instant – sometimes with me not even bothering to open and read the full email itself.  Here’s 10 tips on writing that first message that you could use:

    1) Lose the lame pickup lines.

    “Can you take me to the bakery?  Cos I want a cutiepie like you.” is not a smart, witty introduction.  Neither is the one about being late because you were busy slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress, before asking if I’m the princess.

    2) Put in some effort.

    Saying “Hi, wanna chat?” might have last worked only when you were last chatting on mIRC/ICQ. In that same vein, telling me you’re 27/M/Singaporean is like telling me you have 10 fingers and 10 toes.  Tell me something I don’t know.

    3) Be somebody.

    If you’re sending me an email, there’s a chance another twenty people are too.  How do you stand out from the bunch?  First of all, don’t start with “Just a simple/normal/boring guy…”  Preferably, also don’t admit to living in your office… or gym.  In fact, why not try getting a life first, before coming back to online dating? Nobody wants to be with the guy who doesn’t ever do anything or go anywhere.

    4) Don’t Ctrl C + Ctrl V please.

    I know, there’s so many fish in the sea, if only you could just set up a net to catch a whole haul instead of dangling baits one at a time, waiting for one to hook.  “Hey, I know, let’s just write a very deep, insightful, sincere message that introduces myself in a good light, and compliments her looks and personality, and that drives home the message that I’m interested in getting to know her.”  And then because it took so much effort to actually write a message like that, wow, it’s too good not to be shared with the next girl, and the next, and the next… Yea, and what do we receive?  A “copy-paste” message. So much for sincerity, really.  This is the equivalent of forwarding us some mass-send email without even bothering enough to remove the Fwd: in the subject header or inserting “Dear (our name)” but leaving it in the default Microsoft Outlook blue in contrast to the rest of the email in black.

    5) Don’t come off shallow.

    Yes, pictures are all we can go by to tell if a person is butt ugly or pleasant-looking enough to actually sit across from at a coffee joint. But don’t make it sound like that’s all you noticed.  “Hi I think you’re gorgeous” might work for some girls, I’m sure.  Me, not so. First of all it sounds insincere; secondly if you’re gonna make it just all about looks, you better have a gorgeous picture when I click on your profile too.  If you really want to compliment a girl, “Hi I love how beautiful/radiant/brilliant your smile is” might work better.

    6) Don’t come off haughty.

    I know, you’re probably a great catch. But boasting about your job, or car – or abs! – doesn’t make you appealing. ‘Nuff said.

    7) Keep it PG – and in your pants.

    I’m not sure if I should be impressed that in this fast-paced society, there are guys who are so efficient, they go straight to the point. Beyond asking whether I’d like to “have some fun”, I do get messages asking me if I’ll wear my heels in bed, or how I’d like to be tied up.  And then there are those who tell me my pictures are the source of their… DIY. Like, ew.  Am I supposed to be flattered??  (And no, my pictures are all very PG thank you very much!)

    8) Save the debate.

    My online profile isn’t full of motions waiting for you to oppose.  Yes, I suppos e I could enjoy discussing the merits of say, green tea, on any given Sunday.  But my likes and dislikes and preferences are not up for discussion on a line-by-line basis. They are also not statements to which you have to respond with “Strongly agree/disagree”, “Somewhat agree/disagree”, or “Neutral”.  So please refrain from sending me a thesis because you’re not going to get a good grade for that!

    9) Don’t be rude.

    I’m not sure if the guys that do this think they are being smart, but they tend to form opinions from my profile and then strongly feel that they need to share those opinions with me.  It runs the gamut of guys telling me I am idealistic, to those who question if my singlehood is due to my having unrealistic expectations of the world around me.  Here’s a tip, not just for online dating, but all relationships and friendships in general: Don’t judge.  If you can’t accept it, that is the direction in which you should, well, you know.

    10) Just be.

    After all those “Don’ts”, here’s one you really need to follow.  Just be.  Be yourself, be funny, be confident, be interested, be sincere.  Be all of those things.  Just type what you feel. If reading her profile made you chuckle, say so, mention which parts. If you were impressed with something she said, tell her so.  If you think you share something in common, ask about it, share what you know.  As I write this paragraph, it sounds so common sense, and yet… here we are, writing about it, because it’s important for you to know it!

    And don’t forget to leave a call-to-action.  Ok you’ve complimented her, you’ve pointed out the ways you guys might work great together, then what?  What do you want? Do you want her to drop you a line? Grab a coffee together some time?  Put it out there.  Yeah, you might get rejected.  Pretty big chance you’ll still get ignored anyways. But the girl that finally picks up on your heartfelt sincerity?  My guess is she’s the one you’ll want to date. Good luck!