SimplySxy

Tag: Love

  • 5 Undeniable Signs He’s Using You

    5 Undeniable Signs He’s Using You

    Some men are just out for a hookup buddy… here’s how to know if you’re being used.

    Men and women often want different things from their relationships.  If you’re emotionally involved with a guy, it’s possible that he might not feel as deeply.  We have all dealt with this at some point in our relationships; the fear or realization that he’s just using me for sex.

    Here’s a bit of relationship advice and a few signs to look for if you’re skeptical that he may not care as much about your hopes, dreams and personality as he does your compatibility in the bedroom.  Some of the signs are easy to overlook, but don’t discount them!  Both his words and his actions are important to watch for as you decide if he’s in it to win it, or just in it for a good time.

    1. He only comes late at night.

    Now, I know sometimes men will come over after a night of bar hopping with his buddies, but if he is only making that call when he’s drinking and it is late, you should know he isn’t interested in anything but a sexual relationship.  A man who cares about you for you will want to spend time with you in the light of day, and without the lubrication of alcohol.

    2. He always cancels plans with you.

    You’re looking forward to hanging out together, but as soon as you are supposed to see him, he sends you a text saying he has to cancel.  This isn’t just disappointing, it’s rude!  You are worth having someone show up on time and actually stick to their word!  Do not make excuses for him constantly cancelling; it’s his cowardly way of  showing you he’s not interested.

    3. He never takes you out in public.

    Just as important as his willingness to see you in the daytime, a man you’re dating should be excited about taking you out!  No excuses on this one: if you two never leave the house, you need to start asking yourself why that is.  It’s fun to get lost in the sheets together sometimes, but you should also both enjoy a walk in the park or a dinner at a restaurant.

    4. He tells you everything you want to hear, but doesn’t show you the things he says.

    Actions speak louder than words, so if he’s just filling you up with charming and charismatic words, without proving what he says is true, it’s time to move on.

    5. He is standoffish.

    He knows everything about you, but your knowledge of him is limited.  Relationships are for learning about each other and seeing if you two are compatible.  If he tells  you very little about himself, he’s either hiding something or he just doesn’t want you to know him.  Maybe he doesn’t think you’re compatible for the long-term, or just  doesn’t want to put in the effort because he knows he’s going to move on before you gets too comfortable.

    It’s easy to ignore these signs, especially when you feel attached or excited about a potential new partner. But the fact is that if he’s displaying any of these traits, he is  just using you for sex and does not want a relationship with you. Even though it may hurt to admit this, you deserve more than someone who doesn’t care about you.

  • Holding on or Letting go

    Holding on or Letting go

    There are two choices in life – holding on or letting go.  On a number of instances, I have been faced with that difficult decision-making.  Every single time, it never gets any easier for me.  It seems that whichever choice I make, there is either a resolution or a consequence that comes with it.

    It is funny how we tend to hold on too much onto something or someone that contains a lot of memories in them.  Regardless of the setting that we are in or we are going to be, somehow we still want to bring them with us no matter what.  This recognition of such a general truth is applicable to every context usage in our lives, be it on things, on people, and on issues with our selves.

    We should know when it is already time to walk away and let go, as well as when it is necessary to hold on and fight.

    Letting go is not a one-time-big-time thing.  It happens every day.  I see it as a resolute choice to make, in which there is no turning back anymore.  You do not get to press any rewind button and restart all over again.  When you let go, a part of you dies inside and it is that kind of death that is irrevocable.  But sometimes, letting go can be very helpful and it does us the favour of making our lives less complicated.  When we let go, it is like throwing something heavy off our chest and recognizing that life is better without it.  From time to time, it is necessary to let go of things and people, especially those that are becoming a burden to us. In letting go, we realize that it is either the healthiest choice we have ever made or something that we will regret for always.

    On the other hand, most people think that letting go is the hardest choice that we will have to encounter in life.  I would have agreed to that if I had no experience of it first-hand.  But, because I do know and based on my own familiarity, I now beg to disagree to that belief.  As an unsolicited opinion, holding on is more enigmatic than letting go, especially when we are the only ones who want things to stay exactly the way they are.

    Holding on can be very debilitating in the long run.  I am not trying to promote the concept that we should not follow our heart’s desires, but when we hold on to something or someone for far too long, it becomes a habit and habits are usually hard to break.  At the very least, we should always see to it that whatever or whoever we are holding on to, should be worth it.  We must keep in mind that regardless of losing that one thing or that one person we are desperately holding on to, we do not lose ourselves in the process.

    It is not that holding on is a detrimental option.  I am not against it.  In fact, most of the time, I find myself holding on to things and to people more often than I should.  However, I found out that not because we are holding on means we are doing what is more glorious.  It is about the ‘why’ and the ‘what for’ behind it.  In the end, we will have to honestly answer to ourselves if our reasons are worth it or not.

    In life, we will always find ourselves in a quandary as to whether to hold on or to let go.  When we reach that point wherein we need to make a choice, we should reflect upon and assess the situation carefully and subjectively, and not in a biased manner.  It is important to use both our minds and our hearts to evaluate the pros and cons.  It is true that our feelings and emotions can magnify our thoughts and we may end up making the wrong choice.  But it is also true that in some situations, when we follow our hearts, we will never go wrong.  That is one of life’s ironies.  Living life is never a facile and carefree thing to do.  As they say, you win some and you lose some.  You just have to make up your mind, be firm with whatever choice you make, and not look back at it with regret.

    Yes, there are two choices in life which we make every day.  There are a lot of hurdles to pass through and we have to know which ones are worth letting go and holding on, because what it all comes down to is not just about winning the gold but about the sacrifices made and what was left until the very end.

  • Dating, Love, and Sex – A Triple Threat For Most Parents

    Dating, Love, and Sex – A Triple Threat For Most Parents

    Marcia, who is now in fourth grade, has a crush on a kid in her class!  And so it begins…

    If you are a parent, I’m sure you get more than a little nervous thinking about your children growing up and starting to date and falling in love.  If you are like me, you probably also get nervous thinking about these kids one day having sex.  I know this is inevitable.  I cannot stop my children from doing or experiencing anything.  And, really, neither can you.  What you and I CAN do is inform ourselves; educate ourselves so we don’t deprive our children of information they need to make critical decisions of their own.

    There are plenty of varying attitudes on this topic.  Plenty of people, some dads I know too, voice the “Not on MY watch” mindset.  Others share a “Be good.  If you can’t be good, be careful.  If you can’t be careful, don’t name it after me.” philosophy.  Yet most people, upon deeper discussion, recognize both of these attitudes are not helpful to their child.  Children need to hear real information: aka The Truth.  I also think it is critical to share your own values around dating, sex, and love.  For example, Let’s say you are the mother of a daughter and you think girls should not call boys.  This could be a source for future conflict if you take a hard line.  Perhaps she needs to call a boy classmate to get clarity on a class assignment.  How will you react?  Would that be okay?  Will it cause a fight?  Perhaps you could agree that this would be ok but that you would prefer to leave it up to the boy to ask her out.  Make sure you tell her that some people might do things differently but this is what you value.  The other approach doesn’t make it wrong, just different.

    Most parents, not surprisingly, wish to protect their children from the potential pain, shame, hurt, embarrassment, etc, etc of dating and love.  We all know the depiction of an over protective father holding a shotgun, threatening any date who dares to try the sexual things he himself did when he was younger.  Let’s think about this model:  Is this the right message?  How will our daughters perceive it?  Will our daughters be humiliated with embarrassment?  Angered by the lack of trust?  Would it send fear into the boy so he keeps his hands to himself or would it inspire the daughter to be rebellious?  Perhaps we experienced these things as young people — think back to when you and your peers were young: Chances are you or some of your classmates were already doing sexual things at a young age; would you would freak out if your kids were doing those same things?  Have you started hyperventilating yet?

    As an educator, I want to make sure I give my kids information about sexually transmitted Infections (STIs) and pregnancy prevention but I also want to be Sex Positive.  Let me back up and offer a definition.  For those of you who do not know what Sex Positive is, it’s “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation”.  The first part of this is what I wish to address now.  The second part is what we will address later – over time naturally as they get older and as the topic comes up and as the teens age.  There is already enough out there that is sex negative and scary.  I don’t want sex to be scary to my children because I know it can be enjoyable. Most sex education programs teach simply reproductive biology, and STI/Pregnancy prevention.  I also want to make sure my kids learn stuff related to sex and sexuality that is NOT taught in a traditional Abstinence Only Before Marriage Sex Education program.  If these are not taught in schools, then where do our kids learn these important things?

    In Europe, they tie sex to love and statistics show it is a WHOLE lot more effective than the abstinence only before marriage sex education programs here in America. Recently Slate.com, published a slide show with some interesting data:

    The first time they had sex, 64 percent of Dutch teens used birth control, compared with only 26 percent of American teens. Most of the time, the Dutch teens used pills.  Think about it for a minute: The majority of Dutch teens are making an appointment, going to a clinic, getting a prescription filled and starting birth control before they have sex.  Meanwhile, in the United States, the average time between first having sex and first making a family-planning visit is almost two years.  Here, 70 percent of school-based health clinics are forbidden from providing condoms or other birth control, even as 80 percent of them are busy diagnosing STDs and pregnancy.

    In addition, almost half of the Dutch kids used both condoms for STD protection and the pill or another like method for birth control. This even has a nickname: “Double Dutch!” Only 17 percent of American kids protected themselves this way.

    As a parent, I want to tie sex and pleasure together.  I’ve recently blogged about sex and love and how that is a bit of a set up for girls to “give it up” when they think they are in love or that their partner is in love with them.  Either way, there has to be talk about pleasure and love.  If you keep it clinical and don’t acknowledge the nuances, you are missing an incredible opportunity to connect with your child.  They need to know your honest experiences so they can understand where you are coming from.  And so they can avoid your mistakes as well.  It’s a way of imparting knowledge, which, combined with their own experiences, will help them gain wisdom.

    I’ve also blogged about dating as a single mother.  I am hoping my experiences are helping my daughters develop healthy views on dating and love.  I am hoping to model positive behavior to them, including learning from when and if I stumble.  If that happens and I can make it age appropriate, I will sit down with them to go through a post-mortem of sorts.  I’ve been doing this and as a result of this open dialogue, we are strengthening the protective feelings for one another. Once not too long ago, Marcia said to me, “Mom, if he doesn’t see that you are a good person, then he doesn’t deserve to be with you.” Aaaaand she’s 9 years old.  I was absolutely blown away by that statement and have tried to encourage her to remember that for when she gets older. I think we all have a unique perspective to offer to our children.  For those of you who are married (or in a steady, committed relationship) you have a wonderful opportunity to model loving, affectionate, caring, communicative relationships.  I believe very strongly that children learn what they live.  Let’s help them live in happiness and love.

    We are all trying to protect our children; That is our job as parents.  Your approach may be entirely different and that’s ok.  But ultimately this is about communication and providing our children with as much truthful information about dating, love, and sex as possible.  For you parents of older kids, would you be willing to share any successes and failures you and your kids experienced?

    Copyright © 2011 The MamaSutra