SimplySxy

Tag: LGBTQ

  • IDAHOT Day: Please Don’t Discriminate Me

    IDAHOT Day: Please Don’t Discriminate Me

    Tomorrow, May, 17th, is the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia, so I open this note with a passage by John Locke from his famous book The Second Treatise of Government in 1690:

    “The natural liberty of man is to be free from any supervisor power on earth, and not to be under the will or legislative authority of man, but to have only the law of nature for his rule. The liberty of man, in society, is to be under no other legislative power, but that established, by consent, in the commonwealth, nor under the dominion of any will, or restraint of any law, but what that legislative shall enact, according to the trust put in it.”

    This passage clearly states that human beings are not under the domination of other human beings. We are free and equal in nature.

    In contrary, there are rules that restrict the social lifestyle of people that are seen as deviant and sinners. And gay, lesbian, and transgender people happens to belong under this category. Homosexuality is label as out of place when a “real” women and a “real” man is the perfect relations for procreation, especially in my country. It is undeniable that a gender belief system still exists in Indonesia. This dynamic creates tension between men, women and homosexual groups when forced to adopt this system. A stigmatized person does not have power or ability to fight the gender belief system because of the hierarchical relationships between heterosexuals and non-heterosexuals. The homophobic social class manipulates the beliefs, perceptions, values and morals to meet their paradigm.

    Now I live in France and there are many Indonesian gay people in here. I have asked many in a casual manner about their desire to return to Indonesia and from the bottom of their hearts they all said yes. They do not want to move to France in the first place as they prefer to live with their family in Indonesia. For them, surviving in a foreign country without social support from the family, a life, of course, is not ideal.

    Sadly, the situation does not seem to allow them to return to Indonesia. The Islamic mass organization in Indonesia always depicts homosexuals as despicable and blasphemous peoples. Homosexuals did not choose to be born as a homosexuals. The situation is the same one with those who were born as a “woman” and “men”. Did they ask to their God, “Please make me as a woman”?

    The presences of gay social movement is a marker that “we are here”. Social movement such as the resurgence of gay wrestling group all over the world. I would like to commend the efforts of Dédé Oetomo (Indonesian academician and LGBT activist) and Mami Yuli (Indonesian transgender) who have struggled to be a member of Indonesia’s National Human Rights Commission. Although they have not succeed but they fought for all human rights especially for LGBT. Being a woman, men, gay, lesbian, and transgender, for me personally, there is no difference. It’s not about labels. It’s about respect and contributions to society.

    To close this little note, French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau through his masterpiece, Social Contract, said that every man must be free of any unimpeded, although in the end there should be a social contract. But it must be understood, and agreed together to create security, freedom and equality of mankind to achieve sovereignty. And also interesting to understand the statement of John Stuart Mill in his masterpiece, De La Liberté, that happiness will never be able to walk without the freedom of the individual, and to get it, we cannot impose a single model.

    So STOP TO DISCRIMINATE LESBIAN, GAY, TRANSEXUAL, TRANSGENDER, INTERSEX, BISEXUAL, OR ANY SEXUAL ORIENTATION BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL HUMAN. WE HAVE TO RESPECT THEM AS WE RESPECT TO OURSELF.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Travelling while Trans

    Travelling while Trans

    “What are you going to do about the bathrooms?”

    I recently travelled to Florida for spring vacation with my family. Florida is one of those states where a law has been proposed concerning the use of public restrooms, specifically targeting trans people. The idea of overzealous bathroom police has a lot of people pissed off and afraid and when a friend heard me talking about my vacation destination, he was concerned for my safety.

    Truth is, I hadn’t thought about it yet. I was too busy catching up on work so I could hand-off to my co-workers. Once the topic had been brought up, however, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. Along with those concerns about men’s restrooms, I started having flashbacks about uncomfortable and invasive past encounters with the TSA. My anxiety level increased as departure day approached, even though I was also looking forward to several days in warm weather without work responsibilities.

    Travel can cause anxiety for a lot of people, no doubt about it. Concerns about having enough time to get through security, making sure your pockets are empty and your laptop is out, fears about flying, concerns about connecting flights… it goes on and on. For transgender and gender nonconforming people like me, there are added issues. Will security give me a hard time for having an ‘F’ on my ID while looking male? Should I take my packer out before going through security, so that it’s not perceived to be an anomaly during the full body scan? If they choose to scan me as male, will my chest and binder be seen as an attempt to conceal something? Will I be pulled aside for a pat-down, increasing my wife’s stress that we’ll miss our flight? Am I going to be harassed in the airport restroom?

    As it turned out, all of that anxiety and preloaded adrenaline was for nothing. I spent a week in central Florida and passed as male everywhere I went, with the exception of my wife’s family who are still getting used to my changes. I heard my former name and pronouns more from them than I had in months, but everywhere else I was seen and accepted as a man. The peak moment of passing as male in Florida happened while we were visiting Gatorland. We were sitting in the stands for a ‘close encounters’ show where they have audience members help them with mystery animals held in wooden boxes. The first mystery animal was a tarantula, held by a reluctant woman volunteered by her family. The second animal was a rattlesnake and the handlers wisely decided to keep that one to themselves. For the last critter, something large judging by the box it was in, they wanted four audience members, two men and two women.

    With two women and one man standing in front of the audience, they were pointing to someone on our side of the stands to be the second man. I looked up behind me and heard the guy say, “No, not behind you.” I looked forward again and raised my eyebrows, surprised and delighted. Turns out my daughter had been pointing to me behind my back. That’s how I became the second male volunteer to go down to the stage and help hold a very large Burmese Python.

    My experiences in Florida, along with my experiences here at home, reinforced something I’d been thinking already: the people who will be hurt most by bathroom gender policing such as that proposed by Florida’s HB 583 or California’s “Personal Privacy Protection Act” initiative will be those who don’t pass well as male or female, depending on the restroom they are trying to access.

    These attempts at bathroom policing are promoted as necessary safety precautions intended to reduce the potential for bathroom sexual assault. What they actually do is set up the very real possibility of assaults by self-assigned gender police against transgender people and other people whose appearance doesn’t conform to expectations based on their gender. Basically, these laws would validate and encourage transphobic bullying, increasing the violence and victimization of a sector of the population that already faces a high incidence of violent assault and risk for suicide and self-harming behaviors.

    These laws aren’t protective, they are attempts to vilify an already oppressed group of people through lies and fear-mongering. The specter of the male who cross-dresses in order to access women’s rooms and assault those using them is a boogie man without factual basis. According to an article on Mic.com on that topic, no statistical evidence was found of a single incidence backing up those fears. Lack of factual basis doesn’t prevent people from whipping themselves into paranoid frenzies, however, and it’s a familiar tactic used by social conservatives to hold back socially liberal causes aimed at equal access and respect for all.

    A brilliant social media campaign by some trans men and women used pictures of them in restrooms corresponding to their birth sex to illustrate a point: if laws are put in place decreeing that we must all use the bathrooms corresponding to the gender assigned us at birth, women’s rooms are going to start being occupied by men and men’s rooms by women. And I don’t think that’s what Joe and Betty Middle America want.

    You may be thinking, “Hey, that initiative in California and those laws being proposed in other states, they’re not going to stand, they’ll get struck down, for sure.” You’re probably right and I contend that they are a serious problem regardless. Every time a religious leader, politician, school board member or other community leader proposes or supports transphobic laws and attitudes, these are the messages heard by my community: you’re not wanted, we wish you would go away, we don’t want to see you, we wish you were dead. People who are eager to justify their feelings of discomfort about trans people hear: trans people are the enemy, it’s ok to harass and bully them, they don’t belong in our community, we should do whatever we can to get rid of them. Even when these laws go no where, they have an extremely negative and tangible effect. They are evidence that a lot of people are eager to be hostile and punitive against people who are transgender or gender nonconforming in other ways..

    As I continue my transition, I will benefit more and more from passing privilege, seen as a man and accorded the benefits typically given to men in this society. For me personally, passing privilege is going to mean my life gets easier in a lot of ways. Eventually, I imagine I’ll be more confident and less fearful about going to new places and being around people I don’t know. Though that’s good for me, I know my privilege isn’t shared by all. Though I might be able to avoid transphobic violence, I’m not going to be satisfied with having secured my safety until that safety is shared by all. I don’t get harassed now the way I did when I was seen as a butch dyke but I still carry those experiences, along with experiences of misogyny, sexism and homophobia. I am committed to using my passing privilege to help others who don’t have those advantages.

    Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • 4 Questions with Sandra Gibbons of Trannies in Trouble

    4 Questions with Sandra Gibbons of Trannies in Trouble

    SimplySxy: Can you describe what it’s like for you physically and what thoughts run through your mind as you’re being bound and gagged?

    Sandra:  For me, the element of bondage that turns me on the most is the feeling of being out of control or in a situation that’s potentially dangerous, or where I may be used sexually, or worse. But of course it’s all grounded in fantasy. I don’t really want to put myself in a truly dangerous situation or end up traumatized or injured, and of course if I do anything sexual in a bondage scene, my partner and I have probably gone over our limits and expectations beforehand and ideally I’m playing with someone I feel I can trust (of course, there have been exceptions).

    So the thing about bondage, or the type of bondage I enjoy, is that it’s a kind of role playing, although there are ways to play that are edgier than others. I’ve certainly done a few play scenes aside from picture-taking where I later thought to myself, well, that could have gone really badly. But I’ve been very lucky in that I’ve never gotten into a scene where I felt like I was in real danger, and for the most part I’m very cautious and selective about who I’ll do this stuff with.

    9

    SimplySxy: There are a variety of binding, rigging and gag materials to choose from, such as nylon, leather restraints, leg-irons, duct tape, ball gag, duct tape. Which are your favourites?

    Sandra:  My favorite is probably duct tape, especially for duct tape gags that are wrapped across the lips and cheeks and encircling the back of the head, and with a big pair of panties shoved in the mouth first. This makes for a very effective and tight gag. That feeling of being “gagged” and of having your mouth stuffed and sealed up is probably the main thing that sends me over the edge. Being taped up and restrained with duct tape is great too, although obviously I use rope the most on my website, as that’s the default bondage material that most of us love. Leather gear is also great and can give more of a fetishy look.

    11

    SimplySxy: You look stunning in the pictures. Apart from the elaborate outfits and great set, what are the preparations required before each photo shoot session? 

    Sandra:  Thank you so much. Taking the photos has definitely become a more involved process over the years. When I started out, I’d just get ready and kind of wing it and improvise as we went alone. Now I usually try to come up with a plan of what we’re going to shoot, quite often taking suggestions from what the model likes if I’m going to be working as the photographer. But there’s usually about a full day of preparation before most shoots, getting things ready, deciding on the outfits and coming up with some ideas. And quite often the idea for a shoot will be changed or even scrapped completely once we get going. A lot of it is a process and depends on who’s involved, what they’re into, how much they’re turned on by bondage, how intense they like it, and so on. I wish I could streamline things and make the process go faster but as the years pass it seems to be going in the other direction.

    10

    SimplySxy: Thank you for taking your time out Sandra and before we end off, what is your definition of “sexy”? 

    Sandra:  Thank you again for having me, this has been fun! Well, I’d say for me “sexy” is that feeling of being weak in the knees when you realize you’ve gotten yourself into a situation a little over your head. And it usually involves a tight skirt, a tailored blouse (with a hint of spandex), five inch heels, stockings and a roll of duct tape.

    Images courtesy of Sandra Gibson
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  • The San Antonio Power Jacket

    The San Antonio Power Jacket

    A friend at dinner told me he was from San Antonio and then proceeded to tell me how boring it was there. In response I told him it was one of the most interesting places I had ever visited.

    Startled and surprised, he asked me to explain, so I did, happily. As a young art dealer living in Boston in the early seventies, I learned it was worthwhile to take business trips away from Boston in the early Spring, because there was no early Spring in Massachusetts and Winter sometimes lasted until May.

    Consequently, I took Spring business trips to Florida, Texas, California, and somewhere else which might be warmer and nicer than Boston in February, March, or April – which was almost anywhere.

    San Antonio was a particularly lovely destination with an atmospheric old hotel I liked called the St. Anthony, and when you checked in at the St. Anthony, there weren’t many questions asked, and fewer to answer.

    I knew the directors of two museums in San Antonio, so it was an advantageous place to visit for me, arriving with a portfolio of old master prints and drawings, along with a few modern works on paper, and several edgy newer works plus, startlingly at the time, photographs daring to attempt to pass as Art.

    After a couple of days showing my wares around town, the work week was over and it was time to celebrate. I took off my three-piece suit, put on a pair of jeans and a pair of Western boots and set off towards a local bar which I’d located in a gay guide. Because business had gone well, I was feeling flush and in an expansive mood, deciding on the spur of the moment to take a hit of MDA, which we used to call “The Pink Pill,” to enhance the evening and to help overcome my slight nervousness about going out to a new bar in a strange town.

    Arriving at the bar, called the San Antonio Country, there was a lot of frantic activity and some unusual sort of confusion, which I didn’t immediately comprehend. I bought a drink and watched what was happening for awhile, and it seemed to be some kind of rummage sale. Never having seen a rummage sale before in a gay bar, I decided to ask one of the locals what was going on. It turned out that a number of the fellows frequenting the place had decided they wanted to go on a ski trip. None of them had sufficient money to rent a vehicle large enough, so they arranged to hold a rummage sale in the bar to collectively raise funds for a trip to the ski region nearby.

    Amused by the concept, I wandered through the tables which had been set up, looking at old shirts, old boots, magazines, and trivia which I found of little interest. In the very last row, however, a sparkling jacket hanging on a rack caught my eye. Originally a plain denim, Levi jacket, it had been lovingly tended and decorated over many years. The back bore a large letter C (for Claude, who had created this extravaganza) surrounded by jewels and a variety of artifacts, in addition to which the entire front, sides, and sleeves of the jacket had been decorated, fitted out, and encumbered with a vast array of pins, buttons, attachments, brooches, and every possible piece of bad costume jewelry imaginable. The left sleeve had a row of feathers sewn on in such a way that when you were leaning on the bar, the feathers didn’t get damaged. It was fabulous!

    On the upper left lapel was attached a tiny bronze hand with a small clamp grasping bits of paper. When I inquired about the purpose of the bronze hand with the small bits of paper, I was looked at askance and told, with some attitude, that the paper bits were for giving out your phone number, in case anyone asked.

    By this time the drugs had kicked in, and I was feeling ever more expansive. I asked to try on the jacket, and it fit perfectly. Needless to say, it was nothing at all like any Boston jacket I’d ever worn. It weighed about thirty pounds, and, because of all the jangling accoutrements, when I moved or attempted to dance, the jacket went into a rhythmic, noisy counterpoint of its own. I was totally enthralled and asked the price, which was a hundred dollars. Back then, that was more than three times the price of a brand-new Levi jacket. I contemplated the time and energy it would require to attempt to replace the adornments already in place and told Claude, the seller, that I would buy it. I vaguely recall telling him that it was an amazing piece of work, perhaps a masterpiece, and that it would probably end up in a museum. (At the time, the Metropolitan Museum was enjoying great success with its newly opened fabric and costume department.)

    For a half-hour or so, I wore the jacket around the bar, enjoying the weight of it and the noises it made. Unbeknownst to me at the time, news had flown around the bar like wildfire that a crazy art dealer from Boston had paid Claude a hundred dollars for his Levi jacket and was going to put it into a museum. In no time, the jacket was gathering so much attention that it made me nervous, so I took it back to Claude and asked him to put it away for awhile, until I could work up to wearing it again.

    After a few more drinks, I made another sashay around the bar, wearing the jacket comfortably this time, and I was cruised and approached more than at any time in my life. I quickly realized that it wasn’t about me, per se, but that the jacket had its own power, which an amazing variety of men responded to in different ways. At one point, two fellows were actually fighting about which one was going to take me home. This was a quandary unprecedented in my experience. While I was going a little crazy trying to figure out which of these two very attractive guys I should choose, the door of the bar swung open, and a stunning blond cowboy wearing tight jeans and a form-fitting shirt walked in, took one look around the bar, made a beeline towards me and asked simply: “Ya wanna fuck?”

  • Coming Out To My Mother

    Coming Out To My Mother

    It’s taken me a while to write this post due to the complicated emotions I didn’t want to thread through. About two weeks ago, I finally did something I never thought I’d do in my entire life, which is telling my mother that I’m gay. I have been contemplating this move for a very very long time due to the major impact it will have on everything and the life changing aspects it will bring. Movies, blogs and real-life stories have all shown that coming out to homophobic parents before achieving stability and independence is not a wise move to temper with.

    Being abroad has not only given me the space I needed to grow, but also the distance I needed to carefully question my readiness and consider the possibility of being honest. For the past year, I’ve been in a deep emotional black hole due to the many issues that came simultaneously if not consecutively. This also includes me recently coming to terms with myself. All that I was going through and the thought of wanting to be honest with my family has been eating me from the inside.

    Throughout our intercontinental phone conversations, I have been dropping subtle hints over the course of the past few months. I told my mother that apart from the many problems that were depressing me, I was struggling with something else on my own that I just wasn’t ready to tell her. That sentence obviously spurred a string of incessant guesses from the concerned parent, in which I calmly denied on a few occasions when it hit the bull’s eye. However, there came a point where I would intentionally allow a long uncomfortable silence to fill in the correct guesses as I thought this strategy of gradual hinting would yield the anticipated suspicion on her part, thus one day lessening the shock and cushioning off the blow should I decide to come out.

    My mother has always been my main concern. I imagined every worse case scenario if I’d came out to her, from her slapping me and throwing me out of the house, to the possibility of her endangering her own life due to the inability to accept. Therefore in the spirit of not wanting to cause her pain, I never gave in to my vulnerability and firmly swallowed my urge to speak out. However at this point, I had a selfish choice to make because I didn’t see how I could move on with my life knowing that my next of kin was somewhat of an estranged stranger who didn’t understand me for who I am. Coming-out to my family would not only help me face and better accept my sexuality, but would also help prepare them for the possibility of one day sharing my life with Matt Bomer a nice guy. Hence, despite the months of awkward built-up and subject avoidance, the final blow happened over the course of 3 days. It began with her casually working her way into the conversation while talking one afternoon.

    She: [casually]
    “Are you in a gay relationship?”
     
    Me: [smile]
    “Huh? Okay, I don’t understand Mom.” 
    “Why do you keep asking me that?!”
     
    She:
    “Remember when you told me how you couldn’t tell me about ‘a certain problem’ for it might get in the way of the two of us?” 
    “I had two sure-fire guesses after much thought and I think I may be right.”
    “One, either you became a religiously obsessive convert. Or two, you are involved in a gay relationship.”
     
    Me: [looks at her blankly]
     
    She:
    “Hmm I don’t know… I was looking for something the other day near the drawer and I saw condoms in your toiletry bag.”
    “And on another occasion while you were showering upstairs, I was walking past your laptop and I happened to steal a glance out of curiosity, and there was this draft on the screen about some gay bar or gay sauna that you went to…”
    “I was reading some lines of it and then I got scared so I stopped immediately.”
     
    Me: [In My Head]
    Huh? Wait a second… What’s going oon…
    Oh my god. Fucking shit! 
    Noo way, she didn’t…
    What the fuck! She knows!
     
    And the draft for my blog…!
    How could I have been so careless?! 
    Aargh, so much for privacy!
     
    She:
    “So are you in a gay relationship?”
     
    Me: [sighed calmly]
    “No Mom. I’m not in a gay relationship…”
    “But… …” 
    “I wish I was though…” (Took a risk there!)
     
    She:
    “What?! You wish you were…?”
    “You know very well that I wouldn’t support that right?”
     
    Me: [calmly looking at her in the eye]
     
    She:
    “Well, I don’t know what’s going on. I won’t support it… but I’m just gonna leave you alone.” 
    “Whatever it is, just make sure that that’s what you really want!”

    Feeling awkward, I pretended like the whole conversation never happened and casually walked out to the outdoor deck. While sitting alone on the bench, I couldn’t understand why I started smiling uncontrollably which was slowly turning into a silent giggle. Was I feeling embarrassingly awkward for being busted? Or was I to a certain extend happy with the fact that she now “roughly” knows? Apparently that night without my knowing, she privately broke down in front of my 19 year old brother at the thought of me being gay. Although I find it hard to believe that they didn’t see this coming, but he ended up consoling my mother that everything will be okay and that he wouldn’t judge me.

    Growing up in a conservative society where the lack of awareness and understanding has catapulted gay people into a very negative image, my mother thinks that being gay is a trend. A trait that commonly manifests itself among effeminate men and transsexuals, particularly in the fashion and hair dressing industries. These are without a doubt shallow ignorant perceptions that stem from stereotypical association. I feel that it’s now my responsibility to educate and convince her how homosexuality really works in order to dispel all forms of homophobia and preconceived notions of being gay. Coming out when I’m still unattached would also further reinforce the genuineness of my case.

    Fast forward to the following night, I found myself sitting on the couch next to hers. This time, no stuttering, no anxiety attack, no nervous shaking. In fact, I felt extremely calm and was definitely in the right state of mind to open up. We were talking and just before I knew it, the words “I’m struggling with my sexuality” conveniently flowed out of my mouth.

    She:
    “What do you mean by ‘struggling’ with your sexuality?”
     
    Me:
    “Well… Initially I wasn’t sure about my sexual identity, but now I think I know. I’m gay.”
     
    She: [watery eyes]
    “What… you’re gay?” 
    “How can you be gay?!”
     
    Me:
    “I am gay because I am sexually attracted to guys.”  
     

    Although it was nice to finally get it out, but it truly felt like the opening of Pandora’s Box as I didn’t know if that would have been my biggest regret in life. I proceeded to tell her about my conversation with R, and explained that this is no longer just about me any more, but other people too. I told her that my journey has been hard and that even until this very day, I still couldn’t accept that “being gay” has happened to me, although I’m trying. I understand now why it took me so long to reach this point because previously, I just wasn’t mature enough to handle it. But now I am. Above all, I also had to reassure her that nothing’s going to change as being gay is just a subset of me and will not define who I am in life. I am a real person first before my sexuality. However, the hurt she was feeling was obviously making her impervious to everything I was saying.

    She:

    “How long have you known? When did you first discover this?”
    Me: 
    “Right around 14… That was when I started looking at guys differently and kept everything to myself because I was afraid of this unexplainable feeling.”
    “I thought it was just a phase but without realising, time passed and I grew up struggling with it for almost 10 years now.” 
    “Imagine suppressing yourself for almost a decade! It’s not easy.”
     

    She:
    “How could you have kept this from me?”
    “We could have gotten professional help if you brought this up earlier.” 
    “I’ve read articles of people who go through this and successfully got out of it after therapy.”
     
    Me: [shakes head]
    “You mean straight camp?”
    “Nope Mom. You don’t understand! It doesn’t work that way.”
    “You can’t change biology.”
    “It’s not possible to alter a person’s sexuality. It’s not a sickness to be cured.“

    My mother has obviously fallen victim to ignorance, fear and the lack of exposure. Like a wise man, I therefore had to spend the next hour patiently laying every brick of insight that would form the foundation to her understanding while killing off every underlying misconception. The discussion then came to a point of frustration…

    Me:

    “Mom, just take a moment and look at me.”
    “Look at me in the eye and imagine yourself in my position, in my shoes.”
    “How do you think I feel? THINK! About how I’m feeling…”
    “Do you think I like being this way? Why the fuck would I choose a difficult life like this for myself?”
    “Look I know you’re hurt, but at the end of the day, I am the unfortunate one who has to go through this and it sucks!”
     
    She:
    “Oh why is this happening to me? Why my son?! I feel so hurt… I can’t support it.”
    “What do you want me to do by telling me?” 
    “You have already decided you didn’t want help.”
     
    Me:
    “Look Mom, I am not asking for your support because that wouldn’t be fair on your part, but rather your compassionate understanding of the situation… MY situation.”

    The next few days were hard for us, for me in particular because I felt horribly worthless after having triggered this tsunami of sorrow. Everyday, I felt so ashamed of myself and wanted to disappear from life. I remember staying in bed all day and hoped that by constantly falling asleep from exhaustive thinking will make it all go away. During those moments, I really wished that I could exist as another person but not me. I wanted a reset button for my life as I thought about what it genuinely felt like to be an outsider looking at myself and feeling lucky for themselves that they’re not the one plagued with such sorrow and the burden of being gay during their lifetime.

    But nevertheless, I’m going to acknowledge that I have been given this life, and therefore will have to carry it right through till the day I die, regardless of the circumstances. It is at moments like these that I really miss being a kid, where constant naiveness and innocence fuels your eternal optimism and shields you from growing into your own problems.

    Thankfully in the end, my faith and instincts proved me right as my mother softened and came around after a few days, even while it was hard for her to accept. With reason being that she loves me too much and that her heart aches in the wake of the challenging journey and emotional hardship I’m actually going through.

    She:
    “I am really sorry if I hurt you in the middle of everything. It’s really hard to accept and it will take some time. But just remember that I didn’t mean to hurt you or make you unhappy.”
    As I reflect on the tough week, I am proud of the courage I’ve shown and the milestone I’ve reached in 6 months. I certainly took a very dangerous risk by coming-out to my family without knowing if it will all be okay, but faith and determination certainly kept me going. The outcome could have turned out much worse, which is the reason why I am currently grateful for the comforting conclusion that materialised. Never would I have imagined myself writing this post so early at this stage as I expected it all to come much later. But at least now, it’s a huge load taken off my chest and I can let the passage of time do its job.

    This article has been republished with permission from M.  Visit M’s website to read more of his works.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • I’m an Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell in Love with His Best Friend)

    I’m an Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell in Love with His Best Friend)

    Mike was a “figured out” guy, an unquestionably straight man who came to the realization that he had fallen in love with his best friend.

    After a bout of serious illness, his roommate took care of him and saw to his daily needs. Gradually he found himself looking forward to seeing Garrett when he came back from work, he missed him, he became the light of his life.

    It occurred to him that he might be in love. Of course he shook it off but that unmistakeable feeling made him reconsider. One day, Mike took up the courage to say “I think I’m in love with you.” Luckily for him, Garrett shared the same feelings.

    Both had no idea how to make things work. There was a possibility that it could not work. But it was a relationship.

    Mike says “In every moment, we’re changing and evolving and growing. In every moment, we’re reconstructing our identity. We’re not defined by our decisions from two years ago. We’re not even defined by our decisions from two minutes ago. We’re defined by who we choose to be in this very moment.

    We’ll never be “figured out.” Over the course of our lives, we’ll constantly be transforming into a more and more authentic version of ourselves. Our preferences will change. Our passions will change. And we have to be brave enough to choose the thing that makes up happiest in each individual moment.”

    Edited to meet copyright requirements.

    Reproduced with permission and thanks from http://www.mindbodygreen.com and Mike Iamele

    For the full article please see http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14997/im-an-otherwise-straight-man-who-fell-in-love-with-his-best-friend.html

    Labels and misconceptions

    I thought this was a particularly poignant story to share with our SimplySxy readers. When we think about sex and sexuality, we often forget an essential aspect of love.

    I think it is fair to say that all of us are brought up with a particular identity, mother with father, boyfriend with girlfriend, gay or straight. For some of us at adolescence, we have an opportunity to reassess our identity. Sometimes our strong bonds of identity inculcated in us from childhood makes us resist feelings, which un-mistakenly pull us in a particular way so we deny those feelings.

    Sometimes we place a label on ourselves. No, I am definitely straight. No, I must be gay. It’s a natural human instinct to define what we don’t know to help us make sense of that unknown. To reinforce that definition, we push away our innermost feelings and attach negative misconceptions about a particular sexual tendency. We even go as far as to hate people who have accepted that part of themselves. For example, “ew he’s gay, I hope he doesn’t come on to me’.

    I propose, in the spirit of openness that Mike’s story evokes, that we ask ourselves, as honestly and without judgment as is possible, “could I be different?” The answer, in my view is, probably; maybe; who really cares other than myself?

    Am I over-simplifying things? Possibly. There are other very important considerations, like family approval, legislative prohibitions, to name a few. It is however, still up to you to make your relationship work and more importantly, to be brave and want to make it work. Is it worth fighting for?

    On Love and other things

    Mike is truly blessed (I don’t use that word often, its bastardised in many ways) to find love and be reciprocated at the same time. I can only wish I can find my way on the same path as he did. But love is difficult and fraught with trials, rejections and tribulations. But as Mike encourages, be brave and hold on.

    xoxo Steph M

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Embracing the inner pervert

    Embracing the inner pervert

    After interviewing various men with rubber fetish for a piece I am working on for LGBTv (www.lgbtv.co.uk), it got me thinking about all the different types of fetish.

    I recently bought a pair of leather trousers, to go with my leather waist coat and shorts, however sadly it was stolen while I was recording these interviews. I wonder if rubber is a fetish or could it be fashion? For some it is merely a fashion statement, I would imagine they will get a shock if someone pissed on them, lol. For many others it is a fetish, either enjoying how it feels or liking watersports or both. Personally I quite like seeing guys wet their pants. That is a big turn on for me and I am quite happy to openly admit it. However many guys do not openly admit their fetishes, whatever they are. I have also recently re-embraced leather and aim to get myself fully kitted out including a paddle. I like a bit of S&M as well and again not afraid to admit it.

    So is it wrong to have a kink? Enjoy a fetish? Well as long as you’re not imposing it on someone or it’s not overtaking your life in some way then of course not.

    I am sure we all have our own little or big kinks, so why not enjoy them and talk more openly about them without judging ourselves or other for having them.

    Explore them either with yourself or someone else and see where it leads to. Sex is can be and should be fun as well as bringing two people together and exploring and trusting someone with sharing our kinks and fetishes with someone is a good way to this and of course very enjoyable as well.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Mama Rainbow: Interview with Fan Popo

    Mama Rainbow: Interview with Fan Popo

    Fan Popo is a prolific film director and activist from mainland China. His latest documentary film Mama Rainbow (2012) features six mothers, from all over China, who openly and freely talk about their experiences with their gay and lesbian children. They are helping to redefine the Chinese family dynamics in a period where the LGBT community has little space for expression in China. Fan Popo is a rising star in LGBT China and his work has been recognized by international community. In mid April this year, Fan Popo was awarded “Visual Inspiration of the Year” at the Asia LGBT Milestone Award 2015 (ALMA) held in Bangkok.

    This is my interview with the winner.

    Patrick Huang (PH): Hi Popo, first of all congratulations for the win and we are truly happy to have you here. I already refer to you a little bit in the introduction. But, I’m pretty sure that you have some more things to say.

    Fan Popo (FP): Hi Patrick and everyone. I am now a full-time filmmaker and also organize screenings for the LGBT films in China. I have been filming documentaries on LGBT issues since 2007. I am also a committee of Beijing Queer Film Festival and Beijing LGBT center.

    PH: Great!!! What does the overall situation about gay communities in China look like?  Compared to when you were young, is the situation improving?

    FP: In my school years, I was keen on looking for books in the library to  really understand my (gay) identity and found that the situation has changed a lot over the years. Since 1997, being a gay person in China is no longer criminalized, and since 2001, being gay is no longer considered a mental illness. The unit of family is important in Chinese culture. Today families are more tolerant to other gay people, but they are still not willing to accept if their own children are gay. There is still very strict censorship on LGBT media too. All of my films are banned for the big theaters. I can only show them in, like, a small café and even for Mama Rainbow. (sigh)

    PH: Well, it is not at all unpromising. At least your fans can watch it online, right?  What website can your fans go through?

    FP: Yes, you can watch through www.queercomrade.com or if you are outside China, you can do it through YouTube. Just search with “Mama Rainbow”. (grin)

    PH: Well, is there any film you are shooting now?

    FP: ….Well, now I’m spending most of my time on Papa Rainbow. We have to find several fathers (whose children are gay) throughout the entire China. That is really amazing. Besides that, I am also working on a documentary. It is about the same-sex couples who took wedding pictures on street in 2009. Yes, I follow 2 couples and it will be on screen in 2019 approximately. That is also a good time to celebrate their 10-year anniversary, I think. (grin)

    PH: Great!, I’m not sure if you can tell us a little bit of how Papa Rainbow will look like. What is the difference and similarity, compared to Mama Rainbow?

    FP: Papa Rainbow will be special and different from Mama Rainbow. I don’t want to duplicate to what we did to Mama Rainbow. However, I would like to keep it secret for now. (giggling) But, I can tell that it will be done within this year.

    PH: Oh!, I can’t really wait to see it and I hope your fans are looking forward to seeing it too Great!!! Now what do you want to say to your fans?

    FP: To my lovely audiences, without your support, I would have not been able to accomplish to such a great extent. To me, film is the most substantial tool of communication. I hope you will continue to follow LGBT issues in China and support the independent films. (smile) Also thank you very much to Patrick for putting this interview together.

    PH: Thanks Popo and please let us know when Papa Rainbow is out. (hug)

    Image courtesy of Fan Popo

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  • Lesbian Funeral Gone Viral

    Lesbian Funeral Gone Viral

    The cancellation of a lesbian funeral in Denver, Colorado, in Jan 2015 has gone viral over Facebook and the web in general. This raises interesting views over LGBT ‘choice’ and religion, a hotly contested topic. The debate is often centered around homosexuality being a choice and a lifestyle supported by big-name celebrities like Lady Gaga and Cory Monteith (RIP). The debate is further complicated by association with a dominant LGBT agenda, gay marriage. This particular newsbyte is a nexus of the above issues.

    It may be argued that many countries protect the rights of individuals to exercise free choice. It is said that just as many of our LGBT brethren live in a world where their ‘choice’ is supported, the choice of other people like Pastors Gary Rolando and Ray Chavez not to service LGBT families because of their religious beliefs should also be respected. To illustrate the context of this article, some followers of some religions, including Christianity, interpret religious teachings to say that homosexuality is unnatural or violates those teachings in some way. This has presumably caused Pastor Rolando to reach his view.

    It is not the intention of this post to enter into the LGBT ‘choice’ vs ‘nature’ debate. That debate has gone on for many years with proponents on both sides and is too lengthy to fairly deal with here. I, personally take the stand that LGBT is entirely natural. Of course, I am a Western educated, LGBT lawyer with my own preconceptions. My reflections below should be taken in that context.

    Free choice is a funny thing. It is a double-edged sword in which it can be empowering and yet dis-empowering at the same time. It can empower LGBT rights activists to fight for the choice to love and marry. It can simultaneously take away the rights of our LGBT brethren by saying, well no, your sexuality is a ‘choice’ therefore you have to bear the consequences of that ‘choice’, namely abuse and rejection by your family, friends and even third parties at your own funeral. What happens if your ‘choice’ to be LGBT clashes with a fundamental cornerstone of society, religion, who for many involves a ‘choice’ to subscribe, as is the case here? With respect to this article, I would say if you truly respect a person’s free ‘choice’, you do not impose or impact on someone’s basic right to have a simple funeral. The Pastors were not asked to approve the LGBT couple’s choice to marry or have children. The Pastors were also not asked to make a theological stand whether LGBT ‘lifestyles’ should be recognised. The Pastors were asked to preside over a ceremony to celebrate a life unfortunately cut short. The family was grieving here over the loss of a wife and a mother. I would say that LGBT debates aside, there are fundamental rights of respect, decency and sanctity associated with the death of a human being that are cherished by most societies. This was denied to Ms Vanessa Collier.

    You could also suggest that Pastors are held to a particular higher standard in the community. They are respected as spiritual leaders whom the community looks to for guidance in yes, spiritual and theological matters relevant to their respective religions, but also in fundamental rights of respect, love, decency and sanctity. Even if a Pastor disagreed with a particular ‘choice’, he/she would be more respected if he/she was seen to uphold these fundamental rights, despite his/her own personal views.

    But, no, the Church here did not refuse the funeral completely, at least initially. They only requested that the video of the deceased and her wife kissing be removed. That’s reasonable, right?

    In my view, this is splitting hairs. How can a funeral be conducted without a memorial of a person’s life, however they ‘chose’ to live it? This seems to be a case of imposing one ‘choice’ over another ‘choice’, over a circumstance where both sides should bring their defences down temporarily in furtherance of higher purposes of love, respect, decency and sanctity.

    Thoughts?

    xoxo

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Pixie Dust in the Air: SongKran9 Review

    Pixie Dust in the Air: SongKran9 Review

    There is no dance floor big enough for gCircuit. Two weeks has pass since SongKran9 and the music is still beating in my heart. The biggest gay circuit party in Asia has truly lived up to its name and hype. The three day event spanning from 10th to 12th April includes three night parties and two pool parties. With an estimated six thousand party goers a night, I would describe the experience at SongKran9 a supersized “a night at the club”; the music was definitely spectacular, the crowd partied harder and the air was cleansed with pixie dust.

    When you stepped onto the SongKran9 red carpet you are greeted by hot models from the different partners and sponsors of the event. From Atlantis Cruise, which does gay cruise in US and Europe, to Jack’d, one of the most popular global gay app, your eyes can’t help but wonder. Three booths stood out. The first was testbkk.org. They had an impressive boxing ring themed booth in sleek black and gold complete with sexy models in boxing attire. Their motto “Suck, F*#K, Test, Repeat” is a coy reminder that even though many of us are indulging in the process of sucking, f*#king, and repeating, we cannot neglect the importance of testing. For an NGO of HIV and STI awareness, they have an impressive PR campaign.

    Next was Pure Bliss Weddings, a wedding planning company for LGBT that is based in Phuket. Not only was taking pictures in their beach themed booth fun, talking to the planners about the different weddings that are taking place in our region is an eye opener. It gives one hope that the society is progressing even though we do not have legalised marriage for our community in Asia yet.

    Lastly was SongKran9’s own booth where you have the chance to meet and greet the GoGo boys who will be performing. The month leading up to the event, one only gets a sneak peak of who the GoGo dancers are from gCircuit facebook page. However, to have a chance to meet them is another thing altogether. The highlight is being able to meet SongKran9’s brand ambassador Peter Le. Despite the star power shrouding him, Peter is a very humble and stand up man. The way that he carried himself and interacted with his fans was nothing short of impressive.

    Upon entering the dance floor, you will be amazed by its sheer size. Being there early, I was able to see how the void began to slowly fill up with the heat from party goers, the thirsty for fluids and the need for a rad beat. The opening DJs were fanatics. My personal favorite was opening DJ Louis T. He had the right mix of tribal music that could keep me going for hours. After experiencing the beat of the opening DJs over the three days, I feel that each and every one of them have the qualities to be a main DJ at the next big circuit party.

    It was only when the dance floor was packed enough then did the performance for the WICKED party began. All the dancers and models who we meet earlier came on stage with more than enough confetti to ignite the night. From the elevated view of the VIP, one could see the intricate tango between the main DJ, the GoGo boys and lights show. Even the WICKED party was filled with the excitement excited of a virgin experience, the NEON party which is the second night’s party you can see that the GoGo dancers are really up their game. They brought about more energy than the night before and were able to maintain the high energy level dance after dance. Placing NEON party as a leader in the running for the best party of the five. However, the prediction was pre-mature. This is because the opening sequence of the PHARAOH party was the most erotic thing I have ever seen in my life.

    The GoGo boys were dressed like Egyptian Kings.
    They had sexy servants waiting on their every hand and foot.
    These Gods dance sensually with each other in a vessel that descended from the heavens.
    While their servants bathed them in milk.

    The first thing that came out of my mouth when the performance ended was , “I think I just wet myself”. It is hard to determine which party was the best as each one was different. Even the pool party has its own set of fun. It was a nice break from dancing in the dark. The pool party encompasses the vibe of the water festival element of the actual Thai New Year. Having hundreds of topless guys in sexy swim trunks playing with water. Who can ask for more?

    However, no party is perfect and if one were to look around, one would be able to find some unhappy and bored party goers. The SongKran9 teams still works tirelessly to put up a good show. At the front of the house, one can see the Drag Queens, Miss GiGi and Siva entertaining the new party arrivals. Even the PR director, Jom, has made it a tradition to come all dressed up in Drag. Much credit also goes to Yoss who designed the beautiful outfits for the GoGo Boys and Drag Queens. The countless tech and backstage crew were instrumental in ensuring that everything ran smoothly. Together with Tom and Oui, it is unquestionable that these folks are serious about partying and definitely know how to run a good show. With a successful ninth year under their belt, you know that when SongKran10 comes along next 15th to 17th April 2016, it is sure to be bigger, better, bolder … and a ton more of pixie dust in the air.

    *For event pictures, refer to the following links
    Day 1: WICKED Party
    Day 2: NEON Party
    Day 3: WASH and PHARAOH Party

     

    Image courtesy of gCircuit
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