Author: Dr. Wisnu Adihartono

  • “Kissing is Sensational”. Kissing & COVID-19

    “Kissing is Sensational”. Kissing & COVID-19

    Kissing (cheek to cheek or lips to lips) always seemed as a very natural process which is essential and important in people relationships. Kissing is present in most people cultures since ancient times. We can read kissing in historical documents, look at the ancient drawings even hear from the songs. Kissing has different types. Parents and children kiss each other to express care, love or devotion. People also kiss in religious reasons and of course kissing is very often used for romantic reasons to express affection, sympathy and pleasure. There are also many ways in which people kiss. Some kisses are plain touching lips to something, some kisses, mostly erotic, involve tongue. However, now everything has changed one hundred and eighty degrees when the Covid-19 pandemic spreads almost all over the world.

    COVID-19 spreads mostly from person-to-person contact through  coughing, sneezing, laughing, singing or talking. In the distance scale, people can be infected if the particles of coughing, sneezing, laughing, singing or talking reach their mouth, nose or eyes within 1.5 metres. This virus can also spread by touching surfaces or objects where the virus is present and then touching your mouth or face. But what about to have sex with kissing?  If you are having sex with someone, you are going to be in close contact with them. Although COVID-19 is not an Sexual Transmitted Infections (STI) but obviously, it is transmitted during sex because of the virus is present in the mouth and it makes sense that kissing will pass on COVID-19.

    Like it or not I have to hold back from kissing my partner. Actually I don’t like it. What’s so good about having sex without a kiss? Kissing is sensational for me but since the COVID-19 pandemic I have had to endure it“, said Mekar, 25 years old (not her real name). Mekar is a private employee and has a partner.

    Most think that kisses as an essential part of any romantic relationships or sex and that real passion is very difficult to be achieved without kisses. Some see it as a proof of love and proof of sympathy and probably think of it as very important part of reaching intimate pleasure. But can you have sex in the times of COVID-19? The answer is yes you can but how?

    The obvious answer is to masturbate. Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, in particular if you wash your hands for at least 20 seconds before and after. Or at least if you want to kiss and have sex, do it with your safest partner. Having sex with your close contact helps prevent spreading COVID-19. In the mean times, you should limit close contact with anyone outside your circle. But if you do kissing and have sex with others outside of your circles, you have to talk about COVID-19 risk factors, just as you discuss condoms, and other safer sex topics.

    I met Ayu (27 years old) and Deni (31 years old) (not their real name) in the virtual website. They are couple and they do have sex and kissing at least four times a week. As Deni is hypersexual, Ayu ask Deni to not to kiss her but they have sex.

    Ayu said, “I asked my partner not to kiss during the pandemic. It’s tough because my partner is hyper.  He always ask me to kiss. I said “No”. He continued to force me. Then I said go ahead if you want to kiss me but if I catch Covid-19, you will also catch it. My partner occupied me for almost two weeks. At that time I had given up if my love life with him ended here. After two weeks, my partner called me and he said that he was hopefully strong enough not to kiss but he said that the sex would continue.” Deni nodded his head in agreement with Ayu. Deni said that it is their agreement.

    “Like it or not I have to obey my partner. Currently the number of people without COVID-19 symptoms is getting higher in our city, Jakarta and we don’t want to be people without symptoms. My partner knows that I am hyper. I have to refrain from kissing before sex. It feels bland but I have to,” said Deni.

    We are all currently fighting the COVID-19 pandemic. This pandemic is very dangerous because it can cause sudden death. Couples who want to have sexual intercourse by kissing should be avoided. Kissing is not something you have to do in a relationship. Love your partner and their family.


    Dr. Wisnu Adihartono – He received his Ph.D in sociology (gender studies, migration studies, family studies, and Southeast Asian studies) from École des Hautes Études en Sciences Sociales (EHESS), France. He wrote the articles for journals, the book reviews and the short articles for the website. He is the author of the book Migration et Soutien Familial. Le Cas des Gays Indonésiens à Paris (French version only). You can contact him at wisnuadi.reksodirdjo@gmail.com or wisnuadi.reksodirdjo@outlook.com

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  • IDAHOT Day: Please Don’t Discriminate Me

    IDAHOT Day: Please Don’t Discriminate Me

    Tomorrow, May, 17th, is the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia, so I open this note with a passage by John Locke from his famous book The Second Treatise of Government in 1690:

    The natural liberty of man is to be free from any supervisor power on earth, and not to be under the will or legislative authority of man, but to have only the law of nature for his rule. The liberty of man, in society, is to be under no other legislative power, but that established, by consent, in the commonwealth, nor under the dominion of any will, or restraint of any law, but what that legislative shall enact, according to the trust put in it.”

    This passage clearly states that human beings are not under the domination of other human beings. We are free and equal in nature.

    In contrary, there are rules that restrict the social lifestyle of people that are seen as deviant and sinners. And gay, lesbian, and transgender people happens to belong under this category. Homosexuality is label as out of place when a “real” women and a “real” man is the perfect relations for procreation, especially in my country. It is undeniable that a gender belief system still exists in Indonesia. This dynamic creates tension between men, women and homosexual groups when forced to adopt this system. A stigmatized person does not have power or ability to fight the gender belief system because of the hierarchical relationships between heterosexuals and non-heterosexuals. The homophobic social class manipulates the beliefs, perceptions, values and morals to meet their paradigm.

    Now I live in France and there are many Indonesian gay people in here. I have asked many in a casual manner about their desire to return to Indonesia and from the bottom of their hearts they all said yes. They do not want to move to France in the first place as they prefer to live with their family in Indonesia. For them, surviving in a foreign country without social support from the family, a life, of course, is not ideal.

    Sadly, the situation does not seem to allow them to return to Indonesia. The Islamic mass organization in Indonesia always depicts homosexuals as despicable and blasphemous peoples. Homosexuals did not choose to be born as a homosexuals. The situation is the same one with those who were born as a “woman” and “men”. Did they ask to their God, “Please make me as a woman”?

    The presences of gay social movement is a marker that “we are here”. Social movement such as the resurgence of gay wrestling group all over the world. I would like to commend the efforts of Dédé Oetomo (Indonesian academician and LGBT activist) and Mami Yuli (Indonesian transgender) who have struggled to be a member of Indonesia’s National Human Rights Commission. Although they have not succeed but they fought for all human rights especially for LGBT. Being a woman, men, gay, lesbian, and transgender, for me personally, there is no difference. It’s not about labels. It’s about respect and contributions to society.

    To close this little note, French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau through his masterpiece, Social Contract, said that every man must be free of any unimpeded, although in the end there should be a social contract. But it must be understood, and agreed together to create security, freedom and equality of mankind to achieve sovereignty. And also interesting to understand the statement of John Stuart Mill in his masterpiece, De La Liberté, that happiness will never be able to walk without the freedom of the individual, and to get it, we cannot impose a single model.

    So STOP TO DISCRIMINATE LESBIAN, GAY, TRANSEXUAL, TRANSGENDER, INTERSEX, BISEXUAL, OR ANY SEXUAL ORIENTATION BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL HUMAN. WE HAVE TO RESPECT THEM AS WE RESPECT TO OURSELF.


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  • Gay and Religion: They don’t want to speak with me

    Gay and Religion: They don’t want to speak with me

    According to Strommen (1989) there are two common reactions that parents feel when they find out that their child is gay. The first is that, since most parents are unfamiliar with homosexuality, they have negative perception of it. And the second is the feeling that they as parents has failed with their child’s education.

    These two reactions cause parents to feel embarrassed over their child’s sexuality. Rothman and Weinstein (1996) said that when a family member comes out (of any kind) there are a multitude of responses. Take for example, the announcement of an engagement of a heterosexual person. This is usually met with a joyous response, a ritual party and many gifts. The lesbian and gay man does not receive this response. Instead, the coming out announcement is often met with negative responses which can range from mild disapproval to complete non-acceptance and disassociation. These responses, though usually excepted, cause considerable stress and pain for the lesbian and gay person that is seeking parental approval.

    The Rejection

    The rejection has a greater impact when it occurs in families with strong religious convictions. Blumenfeld and Raymond (1988) argued that families with strong religious convictions often support their own views of religion even if its against a family member. Some gays who have a family background with strong religious convictions would normally not come out to the family as they fear that a confession will be used like a boomerang; weapon that will swing back to hurt them. Thus the real threat for lesbians and gays is from their family as the rejection has a great influence over their behavioral and psychological state. The family, in fact, is the most repressive institution in running cultural values of the gender belief system; the stereotyping system of the roles of gender.

    “They don’t want to speak with me”

    “… (Crying in front of me) … My parents didn’t want to have a gay child so they stop our relationship. But I still in contact with my sisters. I love them … love very much … I send them some euros and asking them about the condition of my parents. … they don’t want to speak with me … One day, one of my sister want to send me some money, but I said « no », I am their brother, so it is my responsibility to take care of them. I have four sisters … One of them act like my parents. She is fanatic with Islam … I want to talk with her, but it’s impossible … (Crying) … I miss them …’’ (I, 40 years old)

    The story began when his parents passed away 7 years ago. Even until then, his parents still did not accept that he is gay. A few days after his parents had passed away, he came out to his four little sisters but one of them (the youngest one) did not accept him as a gay. Until now the youngest does not want to admit that she has a gay brother. The family has a strong religious background: his father worked in an Islamic institution and his mother is a typical Indonesian housewife. They have perform pilgrimage many times. They sent their children to Islamic school and all their daughters wear the hijab. Even though he studied in an Islamic school, his thinking was quite liberal. He told me that being gay is not anyone’s fault. No one who wants to be born as a gay he says.

    He is one of my respondent for my PhD research. He had to learn to deal and negotiate his life with his gay identity and at the same time come to terms with his religion and respecting his family Islamic ideology. Living with a religious family, in this case a very conservative Muslim family, was very hard. He was forced to affirm his parent’s request to terminate their relationship of parent and child. He sacrifices his life and moved abroad. However, he still does not know if he could accept his parents request to be conservative Islam follower.

    This makes me reflect on how lucky I am as I have three sisters who is still willing to acknowledge me as a brother. I feel devastated that he is gay and have to struggle with religion and societal norms. Being gay, for him, is not wrong but this is not necessarily true for others.


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  • “Hi, No String Attached, Right?”

    “Hi, No String Attached, Right?”

    My friend decided to download Growlr – a gay-dating app for chubby, cub, bears, and chaser. When he was setting up his profile, he had to ask me what the meaning of “No Strings Attached” is. He though he had to use his G-Strings to sexually attracts someone. Or he asks someone to use his G-Strings. I said “No, you are totally wrong.”

    No Strings Attached is just a relationship that has no condition or contractual requirements, where two people decide to engage in a sexual relationship that has no ties or expectation with regards to finances, exclusivity or romance. Literally, there are no strings binding the two together. In other word, No Strings Attached is some kind of casual dating or friends with benefits.

    “So, why would someone want to have a relationship like that,” he asked.

    The most important thing when downloading a gay-dating app is, not to expect too much from someone that you have messaged. According to my experience, 80% of people profiles always states No Strings Attached. It is no doubt that gay culture is usually identified with finally-in-bed or casual sex. I have also installed Growlr, but since my profiles states Friends and not No String Attached, I did not receive many massages. Can be said that the signification of possibility to have sex is quite big?

    The relation of no string attached is not always occurring with gays and lesbians. The straights people also have casual sex. One of my friends told me that she does not want to have a relationship with a man. She prefers to have a fuck buddy but she does not reject that someday she will get married and quit this kind of activities.

    No strings Attached is not common in Southeast Asia, at least in Indonesia because the perfect relationship is a relationship based on love. The Indonesian culture is frown upon pre-marital sex, treasuring virginity is a must. But some Indonesians who live in big cities, like in Jakarta, are for them as they do not see it as big deal. The No strings Attached is nothing to do with the issues of virginity.

    I am not trying to be an academic source. I only want to provide basic knowledge for peoples who do not understand No Strings Attached in the form of an ideology. So do not be surprised if one day you have friends that love this kind of relationship. They are not a slut! Because they know consciously choose what they want to do with their life.

    My friend who downloaded Growlr gave a nod with a puzzled look. I said to him, “Do not be confused, you can fill your profile with whatever wish. If you want to have a fuck buddy, save sex and always use condom. It is up to you now!”

    And he typed No Strings Attached!


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  • If you are Homophobe, can I call you Gay?

    If you are Homophobe, can I call you Gay?

    Let us imagine a person being born, ages and chooses to and die in, let’s say, Jakarta. For me, this automatically brings up the question of how the system of alternative moral is fabricated because it is in itself, a complicated process as there exists conflicting morals. That’s why an individual who deviates from a rule agreed on by a group is considered an outsider as stated by Howard Becker and when he/she violates the existing norms, he/she is considered a deviant and hence, regarded as a foreigner in the group.

    Being an outsider is a result of normalised norms. Let’s put the norm as a simple definition as a set of regulations established within the community. Hence, in every interaction, we are bound to find some indications of norms in it. But the norm is not “given”. In a world filled with social constructions, the norm then becomes a social construction that is produced from the interactions between human beings which eventually ends up as a moral as these are furthered reinforced. This is prevalent in the instance of LGBTs who are subjected to an established norm that essentially discriminates them as the outsider. For example, the norm of the accepted sexual relation is only between men and women; due to the ability of this union for procreation, while gays, lesbians and transgenders are considered unacceptable and deviant sexual relations because these only exist for the sake of recreation.

    “The sodomite had been a temporary aberration; the homosexual was now a species,” as famously said by the French philosopher, Michael Foucault. This means that the strong regulation about relations of this nature is constructed by the community and helped by the institution and religion. LGBTs in Indonesia are of course, living in a homophobic society.

    Homophobia is generally described as a hostile or feared outlook on one’s sexual orientation due to the other male or female being attracted to one of the same sex and the term attributed to such attitude has been re-coined on several instances: Homosexphobia in 1974, Homosexism in 1976, and Homonegativism in 1980 before the now commonly used Homophobia. In today’s context, homophobia is the fear of the feminine qualities in a man, hence it reinforces some stigmatizations of homosexuals in a heterosexual world. Why the immense negative stigma associated with the term homosexual?

    Historically, under the ancien regime, sodomy was prohibited for religious reasons. It’s called the “silent sin” or “abominable vice”. A sodomy referred to a series of sexual acts considered sins, which included masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, bestiality; in a word, all sexual practices that do not have the goal of procreation. Due to misinterpretation of sodomy being “against nature”, the word “homosexual” thus has a rather negative connotation; in both medical and pathology. Many of the LGBT groups are strongly rejecting the word “homosexual” although the Psychiatric Association of the United States has removed “homosexuality” from its list of mental illnesses in 1973. This was subsequently followed by the World Health Organisation in 1993 and also by the Japanese and Chinese Psychiatric Association in 1995 and 2001.

    If you are a homophobe, do you mind if I change the term to gay?

    The story began with the great gay liberation which took place beginning from the 60’s. The catalyst was a gay confrontation with the police in Christopher Street in Greenwich Village, New York, June 1969. Thereafter, the use of the term “gay” begun. The adoption of this term, served to at least remove the term “homosexuality” as a medical term, and at the same time indicate a more neutral tone and has a connotation of “pride”. But etymologically, what is “gay” exactly?

    “Gay” is a term that describes same-sex attractions felt by both men and women; however some women prefer the term lesbian. The word “gay” first crossed the gender/sex threshold in England during the 16th century, when it was applied to male actors who were cast into female character roles. During the 19th century, Europeans associated the term with heterosexual promiscuity; however it did not cross into sexually diverse communities until much later. As such, “gay” projected an impression of perversity. In the early 20th century, American men and women experiencing same-sex attractions became the first to identify themselves as “gay”, preferring it to the word “homosexual”, a term used primarily by mental health professionals.

    Thus being gay is a matter of being comfortable with oneself; emotionally and physically, as opposed to the term “homosexual” which was considered merely physical. In this case, the term “gay” and “homosexual” are differentiated between sexuality as a practice and as a way of life. Being “gay” is about having a commitment to one’s identity, as in “I’m gay”, “This is who I am” and “This is what I label myself”.

    In the academic world, at present, there appears the study of gay and lesbian, which is dedicated to a study of gay and lesbian, in particular to its history, its nature or sociological evolvement.

    In Indonesia, an attempt to neutralize this term has not yet been extended to the public. As it remains limited to academicians working in the field of LGBT, Sexuality and gender, and language specialist or linguist working in the areas of LGBT literature. Unfortunately, there are still many countries that question the term “gay” as it not only sounds pompous but also creates a certain minority group in society’s structure of hierarchy.

    Thus from the evolvement of the term “homosexual” to “gay” and eventually “queer”, what can we do to give the peoples of LGBT freedom of speech in all aspects? What should they do next?


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