Category: Sex Ed

When Erotica Meets The Internet: How Technology Has Changed Pornography

The term “pornography” is often a vague way to describe representation of sexual behavior in books, media, art, and movies that evokes sexual stimulation. It has gained the reputation as being naughty, illicit, and has even been condemned by many cultural and religious groups. Another term we often hear is “erotica”, the more acceptable and tolerated version of pornography. The difference between the two is subjective and varies based on where you are and whom you ask. The history of pornography traces back long before we had the Internet and smartphones. It has been around since humans began to communicate through art, literature, and cultural symbols of sexual imagery and erotica. Pornography has been a worldwide phenomenon since the ancient Greek and Romans, Hindus, Japanese, Egyptians and even during the Victorian era in Great Britain.

The origin of pornography goes as far back as ancient cave drawings depicting sexual and erotic imagery. Different cultures around the world have historical depictions of erotica that can be seen as sacred, religious and artistic and to others, perverse and inappropriate. As technology has advanced, so has the access and distribution of pornography. The invention of the printing press led to a surge of pornographic material to the masses including magazines, newspapers, and picture books. The Internet launched in 1991 when there were fewer than 90 published adult pornographic magazines. By the year 1997, there were over 900 pornography websites on the web. Current statistics show that there are now 2.5 million pornography websites available on the Internet. People have always been fascinated with sexuality. Sex is everywhere and only a click away using the latest technology, allowing viewers to browse in private, anonymously and without shame.

The argument in today’s culture is how pornography impacts our sexuality and that technology has changed the landscape of pornographic material. As technology advances, we have more access to pornography and research has yet to conclude if it has a negative impact. Some believe that pornographic material can actually help alleviate sexual repression and create a sense of sexual enlightenment. Others believe that the widespread access of pornographic material is corruptive, dangerous and leads to sexual addiction, infidelity, and sex crimes. Pornography has been controversial due to religion and politics, which attempt to regulate the impact of sexual material on society by influencing how we think about pornography in regards to our sexual values and beliefs. The impact of technology is rapidly changing our sex lives. It has changed how we communicate and our sexual behavior. Humans are fascinated by sexual stimuli and pornography has been an outlet for exploration and entertainment. But how has the Internet changed pornography? Technology has been a powerful source of promotion for sexual material and since the birth of the Internet, it has created a fast-growing billion dollar industry that dominates the world wide web.

The appeal of the Internet is the anonymity, affordability, and accessibility of the content. Other than website history, there is no traceable activity which makes browsing and exploring different aspects of sexuality private. Pornography is believed to be a dominantly male interest; but growing numbers of women are using the Internet to explore sexual desires. It has become a routine part of culture in both Eastern and Western parts of the world. The average person does not have to interact with others to obtain erotica. Women who were too embarrassed to browse the video section at a local adult store can now search pornography from the comfort of their own home. Popular sites like PornHub provide enough erotic material to satisfy a variety of sexual curiosities. The general rule is, that if you can imagine it, there is most likely pornographic material of the same accessible on the Internet. The vast amount of pornographic material that is available on the Internet brings up the question of how our erotic interests and desires are shaped. Neuroscience, sex research, and Internet data have all looked at the impact of pornography on human desire. We need to understand the origin of sexual interests to see the correlation. There has to be an impulse that activates the search for a fantasy, image, or search term. Our programming for desire is influenced by social stimuli. This programming varies for men and women. It is a known fact that men are more visually stimulated while women are looking for stimulation through emotions. The Internet provides that stimuli whether it be images for men or stories for women. As technology develops further, it caters to the diversity and science of human sexual desire. Our brains are programmed to sample our cultural environment. This can include messages by parents, teachers, friends, and the media. Our desires are then set according to these social inputs. Since our cultural environment is changing towards online interaction and technology, so are desire programming, sexual interests, and curiosities.

Pornography fascinates the average person and influences our sexual response and programming for desire. Whether or not there is scientific basis or facts, it will continue to be a topic of social and political protest. For some individuals, it can be a way to engage sexual exploration and an opportunity to become sexually awakened by learning to express oneself as a sexual being and to develop a sense of understanding around sexual values and needs. It can help an individual or couples learn about personal desire and turn-ons by being exposed to different forms of sexual stimuli. Many sex therapists will prescribe pornography or erotica to help clients engage in sexual interests and grow towards sexual awareness. Different types of pornographic material can evoke an emotional response whether be it sexual arousal or disgust. These emotions can help the therapist understand a client’s sexual programming and better provide tools and resources for sexual concerns. The political agenda disagrees with the positive aspects of pornography as a teaching tool and believes that it commercializes sex and causes more corruption, sex crimes, and negative behavior rather than good. There is no conclusion that a simple exposure to online pornography will negatively sexualize our society any more than other forms of media. Like any form of media, moderation is important and understanding the impact can help reduce impulsivity, compulsivity and out of control sexual behavior. As a society, we must acknowledge that pornography is here to stay and understand how we can create awareness around how technology has changed pornography and how the Internet is changing our sexual relationships.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock

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May 2, 2014
Interview: Betty Dodson

Artist, sex-educator, writer, and feminist, Betty Dodson originally began her career as an artist. In 1968, the Wichita-Kansas native entered the sexual arena with the first one-woman show of erotic art held in New York at the Wickersham Gallery. Three other exhibitions followed and in 1973, Dodson produced and presented the first feminist slide show of vulvas at the 1973 NOW Sexuality Conference, New York in which she introduced the then revolutionary idea of an electric vibrator as a pleasure device. She next went beyond the art world with her groundbreaking book, Liberating Masturbation: A Meditation on Selflove which became a feminist classic. Her subsequent work, Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving, sold over a million copies and became a mainstay in some feminists’ circles.

Sex for One is in part, a memoir of Dodson personal journey for a healthy sexual self-image. The book also utilized her provocative and powerful images of couples making love, individuals exploring their bodies and close-up drawings of vulvas. In 2002, she published Orgasms for Two, a work embracing partner sex. Most recently, she released My Romantic Love Wars: A Sexual Memoir, an e-book which details her experiences with America’s Sexual Revolution, the women’s movement and her feminist sexual activism with bodysex groups that she conducted over a span of 25 years.

Dodson has spent decades helping women and men understand that self-love is both healthy and beautiful and a portal to sexual freedom. Her work with sex-positive feminist, Carlin Ross, encompasses every aspect of female sexuality and continues to attract legions of admirers.

Betty’s Artwork

Francesca Miller spends 15 minutes with world renowned sex educator, author and artist, Betty Dodson to discuss her career and views on erotica today.

Q: A Women’s study class introduced me to Sex for One and I still have my original copy. Can you talk about the early responses to Sex for One?

For some, I was their favourite dirty joke, but many others appreciated my honest approach to a taboo subject.

Q: How has your work been greeted by the religious community?

Ignored as you might expect.

Q: There seems to be a generational divide between women and masturbation. Younger women and teens seem to embrace it along with sex toys and pornography, while older women still have issues with it. Can you speak to that?

Since I answer questions from girls and women the world over, I have to disagree with your assessment. Far too many continue to believe they will get their orgasms from Romeo’s penis once they find Mr. Right and “fall in love.”

Q: You are the first woman to refer to yourself as a sex-positive feminist. Can you discuss your brand of feminism versus what some consider traditional feminism? Have you noticed a change in the way other feminists respond to your work?

I can’t take full credit for that term. In the 80’s I joined an academic group of women who wanted to counter WAP (women against pornography) by creating FFE (Feminists for Freedom of Expression). Neither group lasted that long. However, I continued to use the term “Sex Positive Feminists” in my articles while others dropped it.

Unfortunately many feminists feared the subject of sex as a divisive topic. It took me 40 years of teaching women how to have orgasms with masturbation to finally enter mainstream feminism. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Q: In your workshops, you invite women to look at their vaginas and embrace their beauty. I’ve noticed that some women have their vulvas surgically transformed to fit the image of adult film actresses. I live in Los Angeles and have even ads on the radio for cosmetic vaginal surgery. Can you talk about it?

I didn’t have women looking at their “vaginas.” That’s the birth canal and we would have needed a speculum. Instead we viewed the outer form of the vulva to see we were all different and also quite beautiful.

Since women are so insecure, they see their boyfriends masturbating to porn and they imitate what they think men want. Most porn stars not only get their inner lips trimmed but they also have breast implants, liposuction, laser treatments and numerous other procedures to look good on camera. Labiaplasty is just another way plastic surgeons make money from foolish women trying to please men.

Q: The popularity of erotic romances like Fifty Shades of Grey has led many women to self-pleasuring and “battery-operated-boyfriends”. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? What do you think of literary erotica?

I enjoy well written erotica. However Fifty Shades was poorly written and it did the SM community a disservice. This subculture is always clear about consent and boundaries. Fifty Shades was the ultimate in romantic crap that we might call female porn.

Betty Dodson is a pioneer in women’s sexual liberation and has for more than 30 years been conducting workshops to help women (and occasionally men) overcome their reservations with their sexuality. An accomplished author, Betty’s first book Sex for One has sold more than a million copies.

April 25, 2014
Is Hypnosis with Sex, a One Hit Wonder?

Following on from the response from my previous editorial, I have been invited to share my professionalism further by posing the question: How far could one go utilising hypnosis with sexual behaviour? In response, one could go just as far with hypnosis as one could in experimental sex, drawing on positions and techniques. After all, I believe it is widely acknowledged that the brain, or to be precise, the Pituitary Gland aspect of the human brain, although, physically is the diameter of a pea, secretes the endocrine hormone: Melanocyte –stimulating hormone into the wider brain making it the largest sex organ in human nature. Therefore, gentlemen and ladies, there does not need to be any occupation of any anxiety, stress, depression and performance anxiety relating to the size of yours, or your partners penis and its function in the expression of your sexual behaviour? Or does there?

Unfortunately, there has over many thousands of years, especially in western culture, been an emphasis on marking sexual virility, ability, strength in battle and paralleling that within the bed chamber. Thus, culturally speaking, if one is well rehearsed and resilient with a sword, or, in some other masculine roles that displays awe, then he is bound to be the best lover for any woman or man, see Verinis and Roll, (1970, p.126) in their works ‘Primary and Secondary Male Characteristics: The Hairiness and Large Penis Stereotypes’ where they imply a stereotype of men with a larger sized penis was an indication of enhanced masculinity, virility, potency, power and activity, in contrast to men with smaller penises.

Therefore, it does not seem too difficult to conceive the idea that men, who buy into the notion that guys with larger penises are more professionally skilled, have supposed greater sex performances and are perceived to have little anxiety in much of their performances in life. I hear you asking, what of those men who perceive themselves or their partners to have smaller, or below national average for whatever country you happen to belong? The answer is simple; most men with an average sized penis in fact perceive themselves to be much smaller than what they are in reality as they view their penis from above by glancing over their stomachs.

Although, there are some men with small penises, ‘micro penises’, which are few and far between that do exist in all areas of society, western, or, eastern. Wylie and Eardley (2007, p. 1449-1455) presented a very easy table of penis measurements in their academic journal – Penile size and the ‘small penis syndrome’ which is located in the British Journal of Urology International, 99(6), Theory of Medicine. However, unfortunately, the man creates a low self-esteem regarding his penis size, stature, which fluidly umbrellas his perception and ability to perform etc. This anxiety can be inadvertently fulfilled by viewing men with above national average penises in pornography, in a sports gym, or, standing at the urinal in a public lavatory where it can be common place to notice other men’s penis size from a side aspect – viewing the full penis size in reality, not perceived.

The question you are all asking is, how do we treat it and can hypnosis assist in the treatment process? The answer is yes, it is treatable and yes, hypnosis can assist as a fundamental aspect of psychotherapy. There is a 50% chance that sexual dysfunction (i.e. arousal problems, Premature Ejaculation, Satisfaction, Sexual Dysfunction, Erectile Dysfunction etc) is medical or psychological. It is imperative that you contact a medical doctor or psychologist to diagnose you and decide whether your condition is one of the two. Although there is medical and psychological evidence that suggests the two merges into each other: chicken or egg, they would still require to be treated separately. You can then be treated via a psychotherapist who is comfortable or specialised in sex therapy to work through the triggers and issues that are influencing the psychological aspect of the condition – this is where one can utilise hypnosis to place suggestions in the man’s unconscious and re-frame thoughts to influence his behaviours. This is where I often use hypnosis in my private practice, although, it is not often used in the wider health service.

How can hypnotic sex treat poor performance? Hypnosis can enhance sexual performance by him visiting a sex therapist and him learning to relax and be at one with his body (penis specifically). The psychotherapist can teach him to visualise greater sexual performances. Additionally, ego boosting is an excellent way to experience a feel-good factor, and depending on how complex the man’s issues are, there are exceptional analytical approaches to psychotherapy to delve deeper into the unconscious. Such therapy work of delving deeper would be to locate a root cause and effect that influences a lack of sexual confidence, performance anxiety for example. As mentioned in my previous article, ‘Hypnotic Sex’, I explained further about Freud’s analytical therapy. However, to highlight a approach or two, there is free association, hypnosis, and dream analysis.

To understand further of how I perform a therapy session, and how I utilise hypnosis, you can read about a couple of my professional secrets in my next article.

Giles Dee-Shapland

Images courtesy of Shutterstock

April 14, 2014
Asking and Giving Consent for Sex

When it comes down to getting jiggy with your partner, consent is a huge question mark. Often, people get confused when there are mixed signals, which may lead to unwanted sex (sexual assault or rape), even if people didn’t mean to. A simple “Let’s go over to my place after dinner” could be misconstrued as an invitation to sex, for example.

To many, consent is a simple question followed by a “yes” or “no” answer, but one of the biggest challenges with this is that it’s often awkward to simply ask for sex. Additionally, the widely perpetuated myth that when women say “no”, it means “yes”, adds unnecessary uncertainty to how the answer should be interpreted. So what are the various ways that we can encourage the act of asking and giving consent in a more subtle manner without losing clarity?

Let’s come up with a spectrum of comfort levels between any relationships.

1)     Extremely comfortable (couples who are having sex frequently and already enjoy it)

Even though a couple can be in a long-term loving relationship, it doesn’t mean that we can take sex for granted. At this stage, it is alright (even sexy) to ask for sex upfront, where a “no” should not be taken personally as a rejection. It is more likely that your partner is tired, or not in the mood, or stressed. It has got nothing to do with you. Trust your partner that any rejection to sex is not necessarily an indication that the relationship is not going well or that he/she no longer likes you. Although couples have their own form of consent, they should still be sensitive to body language and cues, especially because people (and their sex drives!) change over the course of the relationship.

2)     Comfortable (couples who have sex occasionally or do not talk about sex openly)

When you’re in the stage of a relationship where expectations seem to fall out of the sky, assumptions and unspoken “rules” develop. Enjoy unravelling and clarifying what these differences are, because what you think should be a given, may be completely absurd from another’s view. This is a good chance for you to strengthen communication with your partner; to discover whether the established patterns and behaviours in asking for consent might perhaps be pressurising/ not entirely mutual/ worked previously in the relationship but is now annoying. At the end of the day, you must reflect on why he/she is sleeping with you to ensure that it is out of mutual desire and not duty or pressure.

3)     Neutral (Just getting to know each other or friends transitioning to lovers)

Take your time at each stag,e from holding hands, to kissing the person at the door, to hugging; so on and so forth. At any point where you feel that there might be resistance, stop and ask. “Is everything okay?”. “How are you feeling?” When it comes to asking for sex itself, “Should I go get a condom?” is one of the many great ways to suggest sex (and also making sure it’s done safely) without being too blunt at this early stage of the relationship. Other suggestions include:

–        Is it okay if I ________?

–        Would you be comfortable if we _______?

–        I would like to ______ to you, but only if you want to as well.

4)     Strangers (One-night stands or flings)

Suppose you meet someone at a bar you’re interested in (and both of you are sober), you start chatting him/her up and doing the usual courtship rituals. You are sexually attracted to the person and not sure if it’s reciprocal. It is always better to err on the side of caution; do not have sex with the person even if he/she hints at wanting sex either with body language or innuendo. At this stage, it is very easy to misunderstand actions especially when you have never interacted with the person before. Therefore, be as clear as possible, maybe almost blunt; it may be unromantic but it is better to be sure of the boundaries than to disregard the other person’s feelings. When miscommunication does occur, be the bigger person and apologise without insinuating that he/she led you on.

Consent boils down to showing respect and listening to your partner, as well as being sensitive to body language. When you respect your partner, it often makes you a more desirable lover because you exhibit maturity and understanding. Open and honest communication may seem awkward at first, but it brings relationships closer and builds trust and security in your love-making.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock and SlutWalkSG

April 13, 2014
You Are Your Child’s Main Sex Educator – Are You Doing Your Job?

Parents are the primary sex educators to their children. This is the case regardless of your choices as a parent. Even if you pointedly choose not to talk about sex and sexuality, your choice is sending clear and persistent messages to your child.

Some parents secretly hope that everything will take care of itself in time. They figure that we all managed to make it somehow, with or without the intervention of our awkward parents, and thus so will their kids. Sometimes this is a conscious decision (“we don’t talk about things like that in my family”), but most of the time, it’s avoidance by default. Given the sensitive nature of the topic and the uncertainty around good parenting practices regarding sexuality, this is more than understandable.

It’s possible that a child finds their way to self-acceptance, accurate knowledge, confidence, guilt-free pleasure, respect for others, and a sense of responsibility all by themselves. Actually, the chances of this would be good if the world was neutral about sex and sexuality, and children were free to develop and explore by their innate curiosities and motivations. But, this is nothing like the world we live in. Our world is full of messages about sex, many of them driven by consumerist interests (“sex sells”), many of them exploitative, hurtful, and profane, and many of them debase and distort the truth. More and more, these messages are directed at children. And even the ones that are meant for adults are saturating children constantly. Thus, if it’s important to you that your child grows up sexually healthy, don’t leave it up to chance.

So, are you doing your job as a sex educator? Here is a basic job description.

1. Have Many Little Talks – and Listen. Forget the Big Talk – it’s an out-dated model and is perhaps the biggest mistake that parents can make. The classic Big Talk involves giving a lot of information all at once (usually about how babies are made, and cautions about some combination of boys, girls, pregnancy, diseases, dating, love, and relationships).

Why is it so bad? It loads up the conversation with a sense that sexuality is terrifying and awful, and more often than not the parent’s own anxieties and discomforts speak louder than anything they’re saying. The messages that the Big Talk (and otherwise silence) give are: I dread this topic. I’m just doing this to get it over with. Don’t come to me with your problems or questions. (And yes, the message is still “don’t talk to me” even if you emphatically say “talk to me any time!” during your Big Talk).

Instead, have multiple, little talks. Integrate information as well as your values into everyday conversations – what sex educators call “teachable moments”. See someone pregnant on the street? Talk to your 8 year-old about babies. Find out what they know, think, and feel. On your way to a family wedding? Ask your 5 year-old about love and relationships; share your own stories. School dance coming up? Ask your 14 year-old whether their peers are dating, what is normal for their friend groups, say what your feelings and limits for them are.

Keep conversations light. While you ought to share and teach your values, don’t use Little Talks only as opportunities to reprimand or interrogate. Their purpose is to create a two-way flow of information, which means that you should be listening as much as you’re talking. When the time comes to have a difficult conversation (if it ever does), you will have made it easier and safer for your child to share.

2. Use the Correct Words. By this I mean the scientific words – like vulva, penis, masturbation, etc. This is a simple way of communicating openness, and minimizing the cultural biases of certain words and ideas. It may feel stilted at first, if this is not your usual practice. But a bit of initial awkwardness will save you from the even more awkward silence when baby words no longer seem appropriate and a transition is necessary. It also, as research repeatedly shows, empowers young people about their bodies. Taking shame away from their words will take shame away from their private parts, and make it that much easier for them to say “do not touch me”, “I don’t like it”, or “back off” when it counts.

3. Nurture Wonder and Curiosity. Aside from giving facts and sharing values about sex and sexuality, don’t forget to also talk about things that are wondrous and fun for children to know. For example: humans are mammals and reproduce like cats, chimpanzees, pandas, and otters; the egg (ovum) is the largest human cell, and the sperm is the smallest; falling in love creates real, biological changes in the brain; some animals couple for life and others don’t; many species of animals have more than two genders. These bits of information don’t have to be sex-specific. In fact, it is better if they are mixed in with non-sexual things. After all, the purpose is to create a sense of wonder about the natural world, including the human body and human relationships. The more integrated sex and sexuality information is, the more it actually reflects reality and deconstructs taboo and shame.

4. Learn and Unlearn. Accurate and positive information about sex and sexuality is hard to come by, and most of us have been fed a lot of misinformation about sex and sexuality. As someone else’s sex educator, your skills need constant upgrading. Read articles, have conversations, ask questions, and do your research. Particularly, if a topic strikes fear into your heart, or especially angers you, look into it. There’s nothing that shuts down conversation more than an incensed parent who is themselves shut down and not listening.

This also means that you may have to do some soul-searching and making peace with your past. So often, the things that parents are most fearful about come from their own negative experiences. While it’s important to pass on the wisdom you’ve earned from your own mistakes, it’s not fair to unload disproportionate amounts of fear, guilt, or shame onto your children. Be accountable for your own “stuff” – unlearn what is not accurate or realistic, so you can make room for new learning.

5. Evolve – the Meaning of Things Change. Sexuality, like much of human relations and psychosocial existence, is cultural. To name a few examples: the meaning of holding hands has changed over time; the acceptability of nudity varies family to family, culture to culture; the gravity of divorce and break-ups continues to evolve worldwide; and the appropriateness of asking someone out via texting and SMS depends largely on age group. Which is to say, there is no inherent meaning in any one event, activity, or bodily condition. They mean what we make them mean.

For parents, this is important to know because the world you grew up in is not the world today. Add to that experiences of migration and rapid globalization, and you can guarantee that you and your child will understand some things very differently. Among these could be: dating, sexual experience, same sex relationships, virginity, marriage, co-habitation, tattoos, revealing clothing, sexually suggestive dancing, abortion, talking about sex, having a doctor who is a of different sex, swearing and foul language, drinking, recreational drugs, religious practice, parenthood, and an endless more.

If you aspire to be a parent who is both principled and realistic, both an anchor and a sounding board to your child, then you must find a balance between your world of meaning and theirs. Before you bar your 4 year-old from touching their genitals, your 17 year-old from getting a tattoo, or your 13 year-old from showing her bra strap through her off-the-shoulder top, consider what your underlying values and motivations are, and what decisions and actions they translate to today. If what you want is to teach privacy and good manners, it might be better to say, “that’s something you do in private, in your room”, instead of shaming a youngster from self-pleasure (which is perfectly healthy). If what you want is for your child to belong and to be well-received, it may be that the tattoo he gets is on a body part not usually revealed in office wear. If you want to affirm self-respect and safety, it may be that you de-emphasize the importance of a daughter’s physical appearance (including comments about her weight and body), emphasize her other strengths, and bolster her abilities to set boundaries and entitlement to bodily autonomy.

No parent is perfect, and you don’t need to be a perfect parent to set the stage for your child’s self-acceptance, confidence, and positive attitude. What’s for sure, though, is that it won’t happen by accident. There are countless things that demand your patience, effort, and courage as a parent, and your child’s sex education is one of the most important ones. Your peace of mind, and their social, psychological, and physical well-being, will be well worth it.

April 6, 2014
It’s True. Female Masturbation Exists.

When was the first time you learned about masturbation? On the playground? During an awkward discussion with a parent? On TV? Was it pretty clear to you what it was and how to do it? Did you understand what it meant to climax or ejaculate? If you are male-bodied, it is likely that by the time you were a full grown adolescent, you had a pretty good understanding of masturbation and a wide variety of descriptive euphemisms – “jacking off,” “stroking the sausage,” “whacking it,” and a particularly eloquent one that I recently heard, “attacking the one-eyed, purple-headed warrior.” If you are female-bodied, the path to your understanding of masturbation and how to do it was likely much more covert and maybe even to this day is not fully developed or clear.

But why? Most women will explain that masturbation was not talked about when they were young. Touching yourself or admitting to any type of physical, sexual desire as a young girl was thought of as shameful, dirty, embarrassing or at the very least something not to be discussed with parents or peers. But with boys, these “tendencies” were considered natural, normal – something to be both expected and tolerated. A basic understanding of why this is so, points to our society’s general acceptance of men as sexual creatures with natural, physical urges and our view of women as passive objects of those sexual desires, rather than independent beings with their own natural sexual desires and urges. And while the movement towards a more sex-positive, pro-feminist view of sexuality has taken foot in many circles, this deeply engrained, double standard view of sexuality undeniably still exists. And if we aren’t conscious of its presence and effect, it is easy to make false assumptions about sexuality – like the assumption that girls and women do not masturbate. And if they do, they are more sexually active or promiscuous than most girls or women – a practice known as “slut-shaming,” a neologism used to describe the act of making any person (usually women) feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors or desires that deviate from traditional (i.e. conservative) gender expectations.

While the assumption is that all men masturbate, several studies have sought to find out what percentage of women masturbate (because, again, a common assumption is that only a minority of women masturbate). These studies have yielded results varying from 38% to 92% – an extremely large spread. Clearly, there is something going on that would cause these studies to find such varying results on a regular basis. I would speculate that the studies reporting larger percentages were administered anonymously and through a medium that did not require face to face questioning, such as via an online survey. The studies reporting lower percentages were probably done in person or required some elaboration on the part of the participant. Essentially, I believe that these results illustrate the issue of women feeling uncomfortable or ashamed on talking about their masturbation habits or even admitting that they do it from time to time.

So what is to be done? It’s difficult because the fear of slut shaming extends beyond attitudes from men. Women are just as likely (if not more so) to perpetuate shame when it comes to masturbation. The thing about shame is that it is often projected onto those around us – especially those (i.e. other women) we identify with. And if you can’t share stories, tips, and thoughts about masturbation with your fellow vagina owners, how do you learn? It’s possible to learn from TV and movies, which perpetuate the myth that women don’t masturbate or when they do, it creates confusion, distress, and embarrassment in the women performing the act. You can try to learn from porn, and if you are able to find some of the new wave pro-feminist and female-produced contents, it can be a good source for viewing women enjoying their bodies and the pleasure that comes from masturbating. But if you aren’t able to find these contents, good luck finding any images that you can actually relate to.

I believe a good first step for all women is to seek out sex-positive, feminist literature and media in order to see evidence that other women do masturbate and do so without shame, embarrassment, or negative repercussions. A book I recommend to clients and friends alike is “Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving,” by Betty Dodson, a woman who personifies the acceptance and embracing of female sexuality and expression. For the more adventurous or advanced, I recommend visiting your local sex toy shop (preferably one marketed towards women) and asking for information on different toys or movies that might interest you. I also strongly believe in the power of being curious and taking the risk of being vulnerable in conversations with friends. I have had many different kinds of conversations about masturbation with other women – some were wrought with embarrassment, some were really funny, some were tinged with shame, and many resulted in immense relief at the recognition that they aren’t the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out or has what they thought was a “weird” habit. But in all these instances, masturbation was discussed. And I believe that sometimes a conversation is all it takes to begin changing our false assumptions about sexuality.

March 25, 2014
You Have More than One Partner? : An Intro to Non-Monogamy

Girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, and wives, generally when we picture these relationships in our minds, we think of them as including just two partners. Ah, but that’s where we may benefit from expanding our lovey imaginations. These types of “typical” boyfriend-girlfriend, girlfriend-girlfriend, and boyfriend-boyfriend etc. relationships are called monogamous relationships. However there are several other relationship styles that people choose to participate in that include more than two partners, these are called non-monogamous relationships.

When someone says they are in a non-monogamous relationship, that could mean one of several things. They could be in a casual, open, swinging, polygamist, or polyamorous relationship. There are several other variations of non-monogamous relationships, but for the purposes of this article, we will just stick to these five common types. Everyone has different definitions to go along with these types of commitments, but here is a general definition break down of all the ways people get their lovin’:

Monogamous – Most of us are pretty familiar with this one, but just to be clear…a monogamous relationship is a sexually and emotionally exclusive relationship between two partners where there is an agreement that the partners will be committed to each other and have no outside partners. If there are outside partners, this is generally considered cheating or being unfaithful.

Casual – Generally, there is no sexual, emotional or romantic commitment in casual relationships. However, there is at least an emotional or sexual bond or attraction between the partners. In short, the partners get along together really well and are sexually and/or emotionally compatible; they just don’t expect commitment from each other.

Open – This relationship style is a bit more flexible such that its definition can change depending on the couple. A good rule of thumb definition is this: an open relationship is between two partners who have decided that they will both have outside sexual partners while remaining emotionally exclusive with each other. Some choose to have a “don’t ask don’t tell” or a “not in our house/bed” policy about their outside partners, but again it depends on the couple. Also, things such as STDs/STIs and sexual safety concerns are also generally talked about regularly within open relationships.

Swinging – Can sometimes be known as “partner swapping” and/or a social activity, where a committed couple has decided to have sex with other single partners or couples; sexually engaging with these outside couples generally happens as a couple. Often, swinger couples find like-minded play partners through swinger meet up groups or websites.

Polygamy – This type of relationship has seen a lot of attention lately through the reality shows such as Sister Wives or My Five Wives. Polygamy generally consists of one person (typically this person is a male) who has married several spouses (generally females), this specific type of polygamy is called polygyny (man marrying multiple women). A rarer form of polygamy is polyandry (woman marrying multiple men).

Polyamory – This may be the most complex of the non-monogamous relationships because polyamory tends to take on more of a fluid/flexible approach to relationships, while also having its own set of boundaries. Simply, polyamory can involve an individual who has multiple sexual/emotional/intimate partners with none of those partners taking priority over the others. Another form of polyamory includes primary and secondary partners; where a couple is each other’s primary partner, and both of them date secondary partners. Of course, there is the possibility of primary partners becoming secondary partners and vice versa, or having an intermingling of lovers and partners.

There you have it, your first introduction and glimpse into different types of non-monogamous relationships. Gives a new meaning to the more the merrier, yeah?

Nicole Nelson, Freelancer

March 23, 2014
Vaccinate your Teenager against Unwanted Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

With internet pornography and lack of healthy sexuality, a growing number of teens and young adults get most of their sex education from watching Pornography.

As a parent would you like your child to learn about sex from other teenagers?

Parents can now vaccinate their children against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease with information!

What makes this such a problem in Singapore is the generation gap between traditional views of sex on one side and the availability of pornography to teenagers on the other side.

Parents are not comfortable talking openly about sex with their children and by the time the kids turn into teenagers, they have gotten most of their information from other teenagers or internet porn and not from mom or dad.

“A survey was conducted in Singapore about the growing number of teenagers having unsafe sex. The survey stated that because of a lack of knowledge among young people it could lead to dangerous behaviour that puts them at risk of unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. The incidence of sexually transmitted infections among teens rose from 238 cases in 2002 to 787 last year.”

Parents need to learn how to talk to their children about sex when they are young, starting out with age appropriate materials done in a positive way. The biggest challenge that most parents have is their own embarrassment with talking about sex. One way to combat this embarrassment is to view it as knowledge that will vaccinate their children against unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases that could save their lives.

Knowledge is power, and the more positive information that children learn about their own bodies, then they are less curious about searching for information that can be damaging or dangerous leading to unsafe sex. Not talking about healthy sexuality or shaming a child for talking about sex is the most dangerous message that a parent can give to their child and teenagers!

The process starts when a child is younger and curious about their own bodies, a parents’ feedback is crucial. Never put negative connotations on a child’s body, use correct terminology, and call a penis a penis or a vagina a vagina. When a parent sees a child touch themselves, don’t shame them, but understand that they don’t know the difference between scratching their arm or touching their penis/vagina. Telling them to stop or saying something negative is only going to shame them or make them feel bad about their body.

As children turn into teenagers, talk to them about sex, to respect their own bodies and if they have sexual urges to masturbate, it is the safest form of sex on the planet. Talk to them about contraception, sexually transmitted diseases. Explain to teenagers that touching, hugging and kissing can be fun, but that it does not have to lead to sex, and saying no is alright and if they say yes, to use a condom. Prepare them for war and give then the armour that they need to survive!

Parents have the belief that if they talk about sex with their kids, then they are telling them that it is alright to have it, and by not talking to them about it means they won’t have it…..WRONG!

With that belief, a parent has just sent his/her child out into the world naked, not prepared and will most likely end up being a victim of an early sexual encounter, learning about sex from other teens and porn. Those are the teens that have the highest incidence of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease!

Vaccinate your child with knowledge about healthy sexuality, the odds are that your child will not be among the odds but safe!

March 19, 2014
6 Tips on Listening to Victims of Sexual Assault

We’ve all felt apprehension in that situation: having to listen to a friend or loved one who has suffered as a victim of sexual assault. How do we then respond to that trust? What can we do to help the victim feel supported and accepted?

1.       Understand your role

We’re fortunate to not be police officers; they have the added responsibility of extracting information in an empathetic manner, figuring out what really happened, and collecting evidence for a case. As a friend or loved one, you’re not there to investigate, but to help the victim feel that they’re not going through this alone.

2.       Don’t solve the problem

We tend to bring in our own solutions and preconceptions in an effort to be helpful. There is a time for this, but be sensitive that it should always be about the person you’re listening to. First of all, attend to the emotions of the victim. What they need from you are words and responses of affirmation, to lighten the burden on their shoulders by offloading negative emotions.

3.       Mirror their emotions

Respond appropriately to the victim’s emotions. Don’t laugh if the victim is not laughing; it doesn’t matter if you think it’s funny. What’s most important to them at this time is solidarity, knowing that they’re not going through this alone. Mirroring involves body language more than speech, which is also why some things are best done face to face, silence over the phone can be misconstrued.

4.       Show your full attention

Sometimes the information can be very heavy, and you’re tempted to distract, and or change the topic. It’s important to not let your discomfort in the situation show, as the victim might feel dismissed or trivialised. If you’re not in the correct frame of mind or you can’t afford the time, apologise and set up an appointment at a later time. If you do feel discomfort…

5.       Don’t take what he/ she says too personally

This isn’t the time to measure who is more right and who is more wrong. Even when the victim expresses unfair criticisms on other parties, keep in mind that a person’s recollection of a situation is always coloured with strong emotion and that the process of sharing this emotion is helpful at that point of time. For example, if the victim says “I hate all men” and you’re a man, take note that this is the emotions talking, don’t feel blamed, pay attention to the frustration and difficulties the victim is going through.

6.       Be very sensitive to preserving the confidentiality of the victim

When someone confides in you, they’ve taken a huge step of faith to be able to trust you with their story. Even when you need to tell someone else about it, be very careful to keep all the identities secret. The last thing you want is to have betrayed the victim’s trust and instigated gossip and slander in the process.

Remember, that listening is a privilege, an act of deep trust on the part of the victim. Listening empathetically is not just limited to sexual assault; it will help your relationship grow, no matter the context. Empty yourself of preconceptions, judgements, and just go along for the ride.

March 16, 2014
Hold That Thought… For a Minute

The night starts out harmless enough. Your new hottie is chilling on the sofa, drinking wine and watching the hottest new action film out on DVD. You’re snuggled into his side, his arm wrapped around your back, comfortable and secure. A light squeeze from him and you look up to find him staring down at you, a hint of desire blossoms, and bam! His lips meet yours, tongues collide and dance together, spurring the relaxing night in an entirely new direction.

By the time you rip your lips away from his for a breather, you’re straddling him, buttons are being popped open and hands are wandering. Hearts pump faster, rushing the blood to the best parts of your body. You’re lightheaded, heated, and ready to get naked.

We’ve all been there and there’s no shame in embracing your sexuality. And while the safest and most responsible answer would be to not have sex until you’re better acquainted, we live in the real world where our whacked-out emotions often overrule the “sensible” thing. However, slowing things down for a few minutes to think about protecting yourself and your partner is important.

When was the last time you were screened for sexually transmitted infections? How well do you know your partner, and when was the last time he’s had a health screening? Are you on birth control? Until all these questions are addressed, safety is an absolute must. There’s just no way around it.

The very first thing I want to stress is the need to be open and honest with your physician. In order to properly screen you for the correct diseases, they need to understand your sexual history, and I can almost promise you there’s nothing they haven’t heard before. I’ve worked with these men and women, I even did a stint at a health clinic for a bit, and things happen to people in all facets of life. In fact, sitting here thinking, I can’t imagine one thing a person could say to shock me.

Different STIs (previously called STD’s) are identified through various methods: blood tests, urinalyses, physical exams, and fluid or tissue samples. None of these are what I’d call exciting, but when compared to the symptoms of many STIs, a needle prick or pelvic exam seem downright enjoyable.

Until both you and your partner have been screened and agree to a monogamous, committed relationship, protection should be a regular part of your sexual repartee. Alone, birth control has a high efficiency rate of preventing pregnancy, but no matter what form: the pill, a shot, NuvaRing, IUDs, etc., will not protect you from STIs. Condoms are the way to go.

They make condoms for both men and women, though studies have shown men’s condoms to be the best choice for preventing diseases. And hey, why not make using them half the fun? Be creative. Watch him roll it on, letting the anticipation build and excite you. Or, slide it on yourself while giving your man a hand job, or get super creative and learn to apply it with your mouth? After all, why would they make them flavoured if you weren’t supposed to give them a lick or two? Just be careful of those teeth!

Female condoms will provide a barrier of protection and help prevent diseases also, they just haven’t proven to be as effective as men’s condoms. And dental dams can be used for oral sex to keep fluids and bacteria from being transferred between partners. Different textures can be fun to experiment with… being safe doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

We’ve all heard the “But it feels better without a condom” line. Maybe it’s true, I’m not a guy and I’ve been married for 19 years, so I can’t honestly recall what having sex with a condom feels like, but I do remember enjoying sex before my husband, and I relished in the fact I could go into marriage disease free.

And people, condoms need to be worn for every sexual act: oral, vaginal, and anal. They need to be discarded after each sexual act, and another applied before going another round or switching from oral to vaginal, vaginal to anal, or any other of combinations you desire.

So, now he’s wrapped, or you’ve secured a feminine condom in place; here’s your time to lose yourself in each other, experiment, and just have some all-out fun. After all, a few orgasms are good for one’s body and mood!

January 20, 2014