SimplySxy

Category: Sex Ed

  • Cisgenderfluid

    Cisgenderfluid

    “How do you identify?”

    That’s often a tough question for me to answer. As a general rule, I’ve shifted away from identifying as anything because I’ve found that when I do, it can be hard to let go of that self-identity when things change. In my experience, life brings lots of surprises that are difficult enough to navigate without adding the challenges of changing an identity. When I hear people say things like “I can’t be attracted to that person. I’m straight/gay/queer/lesbian/kinky/vanilla/etc.” I see how their identity crisis is complicating their situation and I try to avoid setting myself up like that.

    At the same time, there are words that I sometimes use to describe myself because they convey some useful information. Some of them are: queer, kinky, poly, able-bodied, white, Jewish, pagan, atheist, male, and cisgender. But many of these have been mutable over time.

    In the last couple of years, I’ve been playing more with gender. I’ve always run a lot of yin energy and I’ve had a lot of fun exploring how that plays out in my life. On an energetic level, I feel very balanced between male and female and I like how that works for me. At the same time, using words like “genderfluid” to describe myself hasn’t felt accurate. I’ve called myself cisgender because it seems to accurately describe my baseline. I’m very present in my masculine body and in being a man. I’m also very aware of how I move through the world and that I receive the privilege that cisgender folks accrue. I know that receiving cisgender privilege feels like a misgendering to some people, but it doesn’t feel like that to me (even while I resent living in a world that gives me that privilege while denying it to so many others). I don’t experience tension or conflict between how I feel physically and how I feel energetically and emotionally, and I don’t think that transgender fits how I feel. So how do I describe myself when I’m simultaneously a cisgender man and genderfluid?

    Obviously, by creating a new word: cisgenderfluid. It honors the cisgender aspects of my life while making room for the gender-creative parts of my psyche and my life. It acknowledges that I don’t face the same challenges that most trans and other gender-transgressive folks do, and recognizes that I don’t fit into the standard box of masculinity. It gives me the freedom to play with gender and to queer it, and it provides a foundation on which to stand. It makes room for the fact that my baseline is cisgender while creating space for me to step away from that when I feel like it. It expands the conversation about gender in some ways that I really enjoy and it recognizes that I often occupy the space of both.

    I’ve been talking with friends about this over the last few weeks and the more I have done so, the more this word feels like a good description for where I am at this moment in my life. I think there’s a lot of room here to play in and I’m going to check it out for a while. And if you’re curious about these terrains or if you think you might want to explore them, I invite you to come and join me.

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

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  • Sex, lights and shadows

    Sex, lights and shadows

    A few years ago I’ve decided to study sexology. Why? The answer is divided in two obvious reasons. One consists of the importance this term has in people’s lives, the other because I’ve always found it incredible that something that can be so pleasant for some people, can also lead to be so hurtful for others at the same time.

    Sex is the source of satisfaction, or, at least, it should be. Without question, it helps us to express ourselves, and is an essential part which shapes many people’s lives—maternity and paternity. At the same time, however, sex is not only experienced in a pleasant way, it is now also used as a weapon and it can also lose all meaning when that longed-for pregnancy does not occur. When I understood that this well-known term shed as much light as shadows, I decided to investigate it and contribute my own findings and allow my reflections to be read by others that it might help, as far as possible, to experiment this experience in its best way possible.

    The whole world talks about sex—did you notice? However, quantity is not always synonymous to quality . . . We think we know everything. But what have they really taught us about it? In school, the information is minimal and limited to reproduction which leaves out important functions such as delight or communication. And at home, it’s a taboo for many. That leaves the, not always objective, mass media, and the useful trial-and-error-technique.

    Something is clear to me now is that the basis of a good sexual health hides behind that keyword: education. That sexual education, that is usually lacks. Yes, something so easy could change so many thing . . . and, I’m afraid, not just on that topic, but I will try not to leave my script. An adequate sexual education, devoid of myths and prejudice which fosters the respect of one self and of others, doubtless, will construct the foundations on which to build a healthy and responsible sexuality. The upbringing in a strict and restricted environment confines the liberty when exploring our own body, and limits the experience of creating a complete understanding of that matter. Don’t let us be deceived, sexual education is also a right. Let us be aware of it and fight for it!

    On the other hand, we are living in a world full of demands. Yes, we have to be perfect in every moment and the slightest fault might be penalized. Perfect bodies, perfect performance . . . as if we were in a movie—everything has to be controlled to the millimeter, and this is how, little by little, relationships lose their naturalness, and are filled with anxieties and insecurities. The erotic film could be a magnifying complement to increase our desire and fantasize a bit while always having in mind that the cinema is nothing more than that, cinema. Our lives are full of imperfections and sex is not an exception to that, that’s exactly where its appeal lies. Think about it—the unpredictable could be so much more fun!

    And… talking about demands, here comes another one: Did you notice that maternity and paternity are often also demanded in the script? Surely, you never thought about the covert social pressure that exists about this topic. In general, it is taken for granted that everyone has to be a mother and a father without stating why, and if this doesn’t happen, it is reason for frustration. We have to explain that the function of sexuality with regard to reproduction is one option, not an obligation, and that it is, of course, not the only means . . . We have to be conscious about our decisions and decide freely how we walk through life!

    That’s it for our peculiar appetizer. We know, you’ve started to open your mind and want to find out more about sexuality . . . don’t worry, this cocktail of reflections is just the beginning!

    María Jiménez Albundio

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  • Can You Feel The Heat?

    Can You Feel The Heat?

    Matt-at-Lotus on Burning Up in the Bedroom …

    … or wherever you prefer to do it. Last week, I was massaging a client which is not unusual for a sexual masseur. He was face down, naked, skin glistening from the sunlight reflected in the massage oil. I work differently from most massage therapists in that I not only offer a sexual massage but also sexual services along with it. I pride myself on being as honest as I can and see no benefit in pretending to be doing anything other than sex, such as calling it ‘Tantric Massage’ (there’s no such thing) or ‘Relaxation Massage’ (AKA ‘Massage and a hand job’). The thing is that if you, the client, don’t really know if the massage is sexual, how can you truly relax? If the practitioner doesn’t quite know whether you are ‘up for it’, how can they truly relax? It all creates a pretty cold, confused and nervous atmosphere if you ask me. My advice is to be honest, lay your cards on the table and release those inhibitions with a practitioner (which can also be your partner, stick with me and all shall be revealed …) who is equally honest with you: “This is a sexual massage, you will probably climax and you are welcome to touch me, depending on how comfortable you feel. I am happy to discuss whatever you need”.

    Now aren’t you already feeling more relaxed? Can’t you now feel that tingle down your spine and that quivering of your bottom lip that says: ‘Chill out, you’re in safe hands and those hands know exactly what they’re doing’. Horny huh? Yeah, I think so too.

    And There’s More

    How can this help you in bed? How can this connection—between me and my clients—assist you in reaching that point of no return with your next shag? It’s easy; I deliberately make a connection with my clients to intentionally turn up the sexual heat. I do this because I can and I do this because that is what the client is paying for. It’s in my job description. Want to know how to do it? Then we shall begin …

    Honesty, as I have said, is key. Tell yourself how you feel. Yes; yourself. This is how all relationships (and remember ‘relationships’ can be for one night only) start. When you get to know yourself, you can then easily share that knowledge with your partner/s. If you have no fucking clue who you are, how the hell is anyone else going to know? It stands to reason that it is only when we know ourselves that we can then teach others to know themselves. Now here is where something kinda magical happens. For example, whenever I touch most clients (and lovers for that matter) they will physically feel a heat. This is partly because I am a healer and partly because I know where to touch. It is mainly… drum roll please … because I know who I am. Does that sound odd? Allow me to elaborate.

    Once upon a training in psychotherapy, I remember the tutor explaining what one of the founders of therapy noted during therapy sessions. It went something like this: ‘It’s almost as if an unseen part of the patient reaches out and an unseen part of me reaches back, like a meeting of souls rather than minds’. I am paraphrasing here because I can’t be arsed to reference it but more so because this description explains perfectly what happens in good sex. We connect with an invisible aspect of our lovers that goes far beyond the physical. This cannot happen if we haven’t at least taken that first step in connecting with ourselves. Do you follow? No? Okay, let me put it another way.

    Make love to yourself first. Try masturbating very, very, slowly. Do not just concentrate on your dick (or clit if you are a lady). Explore your lips, nipples, eyebrows, ears, armpits, inside the elbows. Take. Your. Time.

    I tell you this right now—do this, slowly, very very slowly and you will feel the heat. You will notice tingles, heat, throbbing in the perineum (the bit between your arse and balls or for females the soft area around half an inch from your arse, the area you would tense when doing pelvic floor exercises), the base of your spine and more. Now, go and share this with someone. Again, very very slowly. Take. Your. Time.

    Oh, and all this I am teaching you now, I showed the client I mentioned earlier, as he lay there face down on the massage table, I showed him how to turn the heat up and do you know what he said?

    “I c..c..an’t speak. I … I … That was. Just, that…” followed by: “Wow”’.

    “You’re welcome” I responded.

    Now go turn the heat up. You’ll be glad you did.

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  • Five Ways to Take Your Sex Life to the Next Level

    Five Ways to Take Your Sex Life to the Next Level

    Does your sex life fulfill ALL of your fantasies? Are you enjoying the best sex of your life? Or is there something more you dream of and wish for?

    No matter how awesome the sex you are currently having, there is the possibility for more. But more what?

    As a sexologist and sex educator, a lot of people want me to help them improve their sex lives. Many of those people imagine that I will tell them about a new pill, potion or position. It seems everyone wants a quick fix – something which will magically transform boredom and routine into a thrilling joy ride of coital bliss. And sometimes those pills, potions and positions can accomplish just that – for the short term.

    But eventually, even new thrills can become empty and boring. And predictably, the search usually resumes for something new and exciting to fulfill our fantasies of what sex should be like.

    Does this mean we are doomed to a life of uninspired sexual routine or, conversely, the endless pursuit of one momentary sexual high after another?

    No. It all depends upon the erotic path you choose.

    If you are willing to invest as much time and effort in your sex life as you do in your favorite sport or hobby, sex can be catapulted into a high art form which has the potential to exceed your wildest dreams.

    But be forewarned that the price of admission into this rarefied sexual reality can be more than some are willing to pay.

    Do I have your attention? Then by all means, read on . . .

    Sex, like much of the rest of life, is shaped by our intentions as well as our technique. If your approach toward sex is oriented to simply having fun, then your sexual experiences will tend to be more superficial than heart centered.

    But if you combine your sexuality with your spirituality, you can open erotic doors which transcend the mundane and literally launch you into a world defined by other dimensions.

    Although an erotic journey of this nature can involve a variety of teachings and practices, I have outlined five of the most basic elements designed to take your sex to the next level:

    1. Perfect Your Touch

    You can touch something or you can touch your own desire. When you allow your hands and your finger tips to find their pleasure, your touch will naturally create pleasure in the person you are touching. Shift your focus from how you are touching and how you imagine your lover feels and allow the pure joy of touching to excite your senses.

    The energy in your body radiates past the confines of your skin. Learn to sense this energy by holding the palms of your hands about a half inch to an inch apart and gently push at the space in between your hands. Notice how it feels when your hands come close to each other and how it feels as they move away. Can you feel the energy generated by the palms of your hands? This is what you want to touch your lover with. You want to learn to direct that energy so that your touch extends past your fingertips.

    2. Master Your Breath

    Everyone breathes deeper and more frequently when they are sexually aroused. But unfortunately, many of us have learned to hold our breath when we orgasm. For some, holding the breath seemed like a wise way to avoid making noise and getting “caught” masturbating or having sex when we were younger. It can take some practice to unlearn this habit. But it is important that you allow yourself to breathe while you orgasm if you want to take your sexual pleasure to the next level. If you learn to breathe during your arousal and through your orgasms, you may be surprised how receptive your body is to continued arousal and multiple orgasms.

    Conscious breathing exercises including some yoga practices and meditation techniques are an excellent way to master the art of breathing yourself to an ecstatic state of being. When you know how to raise your sexual excitement with your breath, your ability to experience pleasure is enlarged. Plus another benefit is an increased ability to connect with another person intimately. The breath unleashes emotions and when we breathe deeply, we feel our emotions more intensely. Allowing these emotions to surface during sex creates a more intense sexual and emotional sharing.

  • Sex Positivity Movement- Being Optimistic in the Real Sense

    Sex Positivity Movement- Being Optimistic in the Real Sense

    With all of the blogs, websites, YouTube pages and Tumblrs out there, it wouldn’t take long for someone to come across any page dedicated to sexuality and promotions of sex positivity. Thanks to the beautiful thing called the internet almost anyone can join in on these discussions about sexuality and attempt to promote sex positive messages. But what is sex positivity? Is there sex negativity?

    Let’s start with a simple lesson on when the sex positive movement was initiated. The sex positive movement is a social, cultural and political movement that started (depending on who you talk to) in the 1960s around the “free love” movement. Sex positivity, back then and today is focused on pushing back on the “traditional” or “conservative” views of sexuality, in all of its expressions, as “bad” or “wrong.” So technically there is a social negativity movement which basically shames anything other than heterosexual sex for procreative purposes.

    So what is sex positivity??? The sex positivity movement in short aims to promote safe, informed, consensual sex for all expressions of sexuality. The movement also promotes embracing one’s sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. So if you are a male bodied individual who likes to wear women’s clothing while being tied up and tickled with a feather tickler by your female-bodied partner in order to get off, the sex positivity movement says that that is okay and how you have fun sexually should not be considered better or less than how others have fun sexually.

    This way of looking at gender and sexuality attempts to show that sexuality can be a hugely positive piece of an individual’s life and identity and does not have to feel shameful or wrong. So long as we are educated and informed about the sex we are having and are practicing it safely, providing that it is consensual. Individuals and sex positive organizations are promoting these ideas largely though sex education which aims to teach and empower individuals about the kind of sex they are having or want to have. Learning information about how not to get pregnant or impregnate a partner, what toys to use with your partner, how to talk about consent, how to partake in anal play safely, can be important to know about before partaking sexual play. Knowledge is sexy after all.

    Despite all the sexual diversity promoting and sexual acceptance the sex positivity movement has to offer, it is important to have a critique of sex positivity as well. The sex positive movement has been criticized for being a largely white, able-bodied, cisgender, middle/upper class movement that sometimes has trouble hearing the stories of trans individuals, people of color, those who have a disability, or those who are asexual and may not participate in sexual acts but still have a sexuality. It is important to keep in mind that carrying the label of a sex positive individual has a lot of responsibility and the label alone is not enough to make one sex positive. All of us sex positive people should work hard to not glamorize the kind of sex we have, while ignoring or shaming the kind of sex others have, and should continuously make room for the groups of people (like trans people of color) who may not feel that the sex positive movement includes them. We all should be able to feel great about the kind of sex we’re having and the sex positivity movement could help get us there.

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  • Fascinating Things You Never Knew About Oral Sex

    Fascinating Things You Never Knew About Oral Sex

    National statistics do show that a good number of Americans do have some knowledge of oral sex. However, at the end of the day, there are still facts out there that none of them do know, in essence. Therefore, with this said, finding new and interesting facts about oral sex can make it all the more fun and interesting in its own way.  Read on to learn more about it!

    Oral sex is a very common sexual act among teenagers

    A lot of teens in the United States are more than likely to have oral sex before vaginal sex. This is because they don’t view it in the same way as they do vaginal sex. They see it as being something less risky, when in actuality; it is just as equally risky as is any other form of unprotected sex.

    Oral sex offers pleasure for some couples and stress for others

    Oral sex does have a tendency to divide some people as far as their beliefs do go. Sometimes, these beliefs are linked to reactions, which partners do tend to encounter with delivery of oral sex. These partners do worry about the other partner’s reaction and may not want to receive it for this very reason. However, on the flip side, oral sex does indeed bring lots of pleasure to people who do engage in it. It just depends on who is doing it with who and if they feel comfortable doing it.

    Unprotected oral sex has its own set of risks

    Oral sex does indeed have its own set of risks. This is because it is basically still labeled as being unprotected sex and for this reason it can bring problems. Some of these problems can be STDs amid the many risks. HPV can also be spread via oral sex, and one of the most life threatening of things, which is none other than AIDS. Therefore, oral sex is indeed risky, but for some people the pleasure it does bring is more than worth taking the risk for them.

    Should you do unprotected oral sex or not

    Oral sex is a personal sex choice. So, only you can answer this question for yourself. Some people want to do oral sex, because they like to do it, simple as that. While there are others out there who have never done it and may want to try doing it. It is a matter of personal choice and that is that. Either you want to do it or you don’t want to. When you decide to do it, however, there are risks that are associated with it just like any other form of sex. You can get an STD from it or other serious repercussions such as AIDS.

    Is oral sex tied to throat cancer or not?

    It is not oral sex per se that is tied to throat cancer. It is more like the HPV virus that can give a person throat cancer. The HPV virus is something that can be contracted during oral sex. The HPV virus is a common thing, and it can be passed along through sexual contact, even oral sex. However, it doesn’t always cause cancer of the throat, and also of the larynx and tonsils. It just something that can occur because of the human papillomavirus or HPV as it is more popularly known.

    Is oral sex just as enjoyable as any other kind of sex or even better?

    Oral sex is just as enjoyable as any other sex there is. Nonetheless, there are some factors to consider before you do go engaging in it. There are some people out there who don’t like giving or receiving oral sex. So, with this said, these may just be people who will not find oral sex all that pleasing. Each of us are different when it comes to sex, and with this said, oral sex is not designed with everyone in mind.

    Do partners worry about their partner’s reaction to how they give oral sex?

    Partners do tend to worry about their partner’s overall reaction when it comes to giving and receiving oral sex. This is because not everyone is into oral sex. Some people like it and others don’t. This is just the law of averages on it. Those who do like it, do it all the time. Others may be curious about it and decide to try it. While there are others who will never try it. So, it depends on you, and if your partner is comfortable with it like you are.

    Conclusion:

    Oral sex is a very satisfying form of sexual act in its own way. Do you want to enhance it all the more? If the answer is yes, you should endeavor to learn all that you can about it on all fronts. Having some very new and interesting facts about it is the way to go. You can then take what you learn from these facts and apply it to your own love life overall.

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  • How to Indulge in Anal Sex

    How to Indulge in Anal Sex

    Anal sex is probably the most taboo sex act of all. Often feared, most of the time misunderstood, it remains a rather uncommon practice, although it can lead to great pleasures.

    It usually takes a while before a couple even starts talking about sodomy. Most of the time, the topic is opened by guys rather than girls. Why? Because they watch more porn than us and they see it often there, and also because it is naturally tighter than our vagina, thus making it more pleasurable for them. Girls usually agree to it either to please their partner (or on a special occasion), or as a token to bargain something else (often as a way to trade sodomy for cunnilingus, or a nice gift).

    Unless you have friends in the gay community, very little is known about anal sex. The first time that I had it was a horrible experience, because my partner was absolutely not knowledgeable about it and he just rammed into it like he would have done with my pussy, which is totally wrong. After this first painful experience, I decided to take things in hands and to become an expert in the subject, putting in practice the knowledge I gathered here and there, and eventually writing a sex guide about anal sex “Anal Sex Tips for Guys and Girls”, available on Amazon and other major bookstores).  3D-Anal sex tips

    Recently, a close friend opened the subject to me, as her partner was pressing her to try it. She had very interesting questions, so I decided to share them with you guys (and girls) and hope that it will help you better understand anal penetration.

    Question 1. Is it painful?

    Angelicka: The first time, it was hell. My partner was very big, and he had no experience about sex in the butt. The other thing was my lack of relaxation. You really need to relax, breathe deeply, and slightly push as if you wanted to poo. You should prepare yourself first, and there are quite a few tips that can really help you making it a pleasant experience, even for the first timers. Don’t hesitate to use sex toys to prepare your orifice as well.

    Question 2. Why did you do it in the first place?

    Angelicka: I wanted to try because some of my girlfriends tried it before and loved it. It is also a way to get thrilled by doing something taboo and forbidden. Plus it makes me feel really dominated and at the mercy of my partner, which is extremely exciting.

    Question 3. Who talked about it first? You or your partner?

    Angelicka: Him. But I was very willing to try it and it kind of relieved me when he talked about it; I just didn’t want to sound like a dirty lil’ slut, if you see what I mean.  But also to be sure that if I didn’t want it, it wouldn’t have happened, no matter how pushy men can be.

    Question 4. The first time you tried, how did it feel?

    Angelicka: Painful. First of all, his cock feels much bigger back there. The first part was kind of OK, when he inserted the head of his dick; there was some resistance first due to the fact I was not relaxed, but then I breathed and the head went in, as if my ass just gobbled it. I felt really filled but I must admit it was pleasant. I thought that was it, but he kept pushing it in, a bit too fast to my taste. Then there is a second muscle inside the anus, and this is where I felt pain. I wasn’t ready and not only it hurt, but i really felt like i was going to make a poo. His cock inside had exactly the same feeling. I had to tell him to stop and tried to breathe deeper, but couldn’t take it. We had to try a few times more before he could put it all in, and then it was kind of just OK.

    Question 5. So after your first experience, did it keep on feeling the same?

    Angelicka: As I started learning more and more about anal sex, the feeling drastically improved. It is not natural, so it takes a bit of learning and adjustment, but once you got it, it can be really delightful, and it is opening new sensations that you wouldn’t get through vaginal sex.

    Question 6. How good can it feel?

    Angelicka: Some love it, others just find it hardly bearable. It takes time and patience to learn about sodomy and enjoy it. It also depends on how big your partner is! As far as I am concerned, I just love it.

    Read on to find out if you should go anal on the first date and the one thing you must do before going in!

  • How does a young unmarried lady prepare for Pregnancy?

    How does a young unmarried lady prepare for Pregnancy?

    When a young, unmarried lady gets pregnant, people naturally assume that it was unplanned.  My first pregnancy at age 22, however, was never an accident; it was mutually planned by me and my then boyfriend, Matt.  We talked it over one day and we both assured each other that if we were going to have a child then we were ready for it.  We trust that we had maximized our youth and that we were already primed for a new and more matured threshold in life—as parents and having our own family.  It was a mutual decision to stop using contraceptives and allow what will happen to happen.  We both believed that contrary to our youth and naivety, we were prepared for the big life-changing responsibility of becoming parents because we were going to stand by it together.

    With all the possible symptoms present, I anticipated that I was already pregnant.  I took a pregnancy test on September 30, 2011, a couple of days after my delayed menstrual period and the results came out positive.  Those two lines made me smile – a smile that I never had before and one that I will never forget in my entire life.  I was thrilled and happy at the thought of another living individual inside of me who shares the same heartbeat as mine.

    Filled with eagerness, I went to Matt’s basketball practice at the Regional Science High School that afternoon and showed him the PT result.  He looked at it and asked me what it meant, with eyes hopeful that it would verify the question he had inside his head.  I smiled sheepishly and nodded at him.  He then threw that overrated question, “Positive?” and I confirmed it with successive nods.  We smiled at each other, fancying the thought that we were going to become parents soon—I at 22 and Matt at 24 years old.

    As I was about to leave the basketball court, I got caught in a somewhat fantasy world when I heard him said aloud, “I love you” to me in front of a huge crowd.  I was stunned for a while.  I felt butterflies in my stomach.  The moment I knew I was not dreaming was when I saw Matt smiling handsomely at me.  For someone who is not vocal and does not like public attention made, that moment epic and priceless, truly delighted my heart.

    My pregnancy did not quite sink in until later that night.  We conversed about how we were going to start saving for our family and what precautions we needed to do should my pregnancy become delicate.  We had love and adornment in our relationship, and a baby on the way. Matt was very protective about my pregnancy.  I had my fair share of emotional turmoil but amidst it all, he did his best in being patient with me.  We came out stronger after every trial and aside from ourselves, our baby became our strength.

    We went to our first OB Gyne check-up and I was very pleased that he was there with me.  I could not really explain the feeling but it was heartwarming knowing that he wanted to become a hands-on father.  My doctor confirmed that I was 11 weeks pregnant at that time. We heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time and that moment was so surreal that I laughed.  At the same time, I felt like crying too.  I had “life” inside of me; “life” made out of Matt and I.

    I was not scared of becoming a parent.  In fact, I was very excited about it.  I had already enjoyed my life prior to my anticipated motherhood. I had nothing to be ashamed about because I had a decent job, I was earning quite fairly, I lived with the father of my child and we had plans of getting married before I gave birth.  I did not have to prove anything to our audience and I was certain that Matt feels the same way as well.

    My pregnancy marked a new chapter of our lives together and I knew that we were going to make it work.  We were going to make our child proud and make sure that we live up to the kind of person that s/he would like to become someday.

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  • Let’s Talk About Sex!

    Let’s Talk About Sex!

    Suppose we did not have a head that is wired in a complicated manner. Maybe having sex would become more animal-like: totally natural, following a deeper underlying pattern, usually without problems. Suddenly, you see the fabulous tail of a male peacock or the irresistible sent of a female cat tickles your nostrils. It’s the right time of the year. You’re a mature animal. There are no rivals close by. Automatically, your level of arousal starts to rise. You do what you simply have to do: You approach your sexual partner directly, gracefully or carefully, depending on your species. Then you perform the right sexual actions.

    Copulation is a fact (after Jacques van Lankveld, Dutch psychotherapist & clinical sexologist).

    But for us human beings, sex doesn’t work that way, or does it?

    No. Apart from acting sexually (having sex in infinitely different ways and styles) and feeling sexually (experiencing sexual desire and sexual arousal) we tend to think about sex. We think about our actions. “Will he like it when I do this?” “Does she want me to do this?” “Will it turn him on or—god forbids—off?” We think about our feelings. “OK, he wants to have sex, that’s pretty clear, but do I really want to?” “I’ve been desiring her all day and now here she is but I’m exhausted from work …” And, worst of all, we think about our thoughts. “What would she think if she knew that my thoughts are on the football match later that evening while we were getting busy?” “What would he think if he knew I was wondering about that mysterious colleague who works in the accounting department?”

    Sex isn’t just a physical act combining two bodies in various ways. Sex is always much more than that, especially when we do our best to convince ourselves that it’s nothing more than just combining hands, lips, tongues, penis(es), vagina(s) … The bulk of people experiencing sexual problems and seeking professional don’t have purely physical difficulties in having sex. The origin of all sorts of problems are not only pertaining to sexual desire (difference in the desired sexual act or style; difference in the level of sexual desire … ) with sexual arousal and orgasm (difficulties getting or maintaining your erection/getting wet; either being unable to reach orgasm or just with a specific partner or in a specific situation; reaching orgasm much sooner then you feel comfortable about …), but also with one experiencing pain during sex or being unable to achieve penetration (with the penis or simply with a finger). This is most often, a combination of both physical, psychological and social factors. And every sexual problem will have an undesired impact on your self-image and self-confidence and/or—for those of us lucky to have partners—on your relationship.

    So why worry about all this if you’re just a fun loving sort of person who enjoys his own sexuality? The answer is simple: Don’t!

    Don’t worry. As long as you find yourself feeling good about the sex you have, not having a care in the world and enjoying it! Just know that when you have sex, there is more than the possibility of STD’s and HIV to think about. As for the other stuff, a condom won’t do you any good.

    Think about your own self image and your self confidence. Think about what you emotionally experience having sex. These elements are vital to have and to keep having sex in a way you can enjoy freely. So, just from time to time, ask yourself these two simple questions:

    When I have sex, do I feel like it & do I enjoy it?

    As long as you find yourself answering with a enthusiastic ‘YES!’ on both accounts, you should take the chance to experience your sexuality freely. If you find yourself doubting your answer; if you find yourself experiencing disturbing or negative thoughts or feelings while having sex, talk to someone about it. Talk to your partner, your best friend, your doctor, a therapist or a sexologist. The bottom line is that it is important to talk to someone about it! Don’t brush those negative thoughts under the carpet for they tend to come back with a vengeance—undesired consequences on your sex life.

    All most of us want is to live long, be happy and have a pleasant personal [and for some of us professional] sexual experience every now and then. So think about your sexual thoughts and feelings. For thoughts and emotions, apart from our bodies, are the true reasons why sex can be so enjoyable!

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Are You Connecting Emotionally When Having Sex?

    Are You Connecting Emotionally When Having Sex?

    By Matt-at-Lotus

    As you may or may not know, I am a professional sex worker and writer. I also happen to be trained in counselling and psychotherapy and no, I’m not just showing off (okay maybe a little) I am merely letting you know that I know a little about, you know, stuff.

    When I was working full time as a therapist in private practice, I saw lots of couples and often saw singles who were having ‘bad’ sex. The stories were different but actually the same, allow me to paraphrase: ‘We go to bed at night and she just isn’t interested. She turns away and I have to jerk myself off’. Hmmm … and followed by: ‘I met this guy on the net and all he wanted me to do was shove a courgette up his arse’. Double hmmm …

    This is a common affliction for straights, gays, bi’s and those in between—we have no fucking idea what intimacy really means. Allow me to give you a (slightly graphic) example:

    A few weeks ago, I was called to a hotel to do an ‘outcall’ for a gentleman who found himself unexpectedly in the city and so, had a few hours to kill. “Be as kinky as you like” he said on the telephone before the booking. “I like leather”, he hinted as I chatted to him, took his deposit and packed my ‘outcall bag’ (massage oil, condoms, lube, tissues, shoe laces, cock rings etc.) and booked my taxi using the other phone. Multi-tasking is my forte.

    When I arrived at the hotel, the gentleman opened the door wearing just a bath towel and greeted me with a lovely smile and a glint in his eye. Once in his room and following my safety text to a friend, I opened my bag of tricks and his eyes lit up.

    “Now I am going to open the condom packet and lube just in case but this is a go-with-the-flow kind of service so don’t get your hopes up”, I set the stage for the following two hours (and reaffirmed the wordings of my website) as I put on my leather harness and proceeded to tie the gentleman’s balls with a red shoe lace.

    Then I kissed him.