Courtesy of our new friends from Pink Rocket we get a visual glimpse of how 3D printing is going to change the sex toy industry.
Courtesy of: Pink Rocket
Category: Sex Ed
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What Revenge Porn Tells Us About Sex and Humiliation
I’m always intrigued by the many ways that sex and shame intertwine in our culture, and “revenge porn” says a lot about that. Revenge porn sites, if you aren’t familiar with them, are designed for men who want to upload sexy photos of their ex-girlfriends and lovers without permission. One of the most common scenarios is for guys to take images that their partners shared with them while they were dating and use them to “get revenge” on them. Whether it’s because of a bad breakup, lingering resentment, or simply a desire to lash out at an ex, it’s taking sexual shaming to a whole new level.
Jill Filipovic and Thomas MacAulay Millar have already done an excellent job of discussing these sites and situating them within the context of the sexual shaming that celebrity women are subjected to, such as Matt Lauer’s insulting comments to Anne Hathaway (and her snappy retort, “I’m sorry that we live in a culture that commodifies sexuality of unwilling participants.“). But there’s an element that I think they both miss.
Our culture loves to humiliate people. One of the reasons “reality shows” are so popular is the possibility of seeing a meltdown. (Actually, given how the shows are designed, it’s pretty much a guarantee.) Think about how many talk shows are structured to give the viewer a chance to shake their heads or boo a speaker. And a quick look at the supermarket checkout stand will give you plenty of examples of articles about “worst beach bodies.” For that matter, what about all of those magazine articles that mock someone’s clothing, makeup, or hair on the red carpet? As a society, we clearly enjoy shaming and humiliating people.
Of course, there’s a clear gender imbalance here. Women are subject to much, much more scrutiny when it comes to physical appearance. Every aspect of a woman’s outfit or hairstyle or presentation is an opportunity for someone to scoff, roll their eyes, or talk about how it shows off all of her “flaws.” According to Brene Brown, men’s shame usually centers on not appearing weak while women’s shame often revolves around not being perfect. It’s no wonder, given that women get attacked for not being flawless.
But in addition to everything that Filipovic and Miller say regarding revenge porn, consent, and sexual assault, I think we also need to ask ourselves why, precisely, we think there’s something so shameful about sex that a photo of a woman giving a blow job or showing her breasts justifies her losing her job or being shamed. Why did the photo of Anne Hathaway without underwear provoke so many responses? Have none of those people ever gone commando themselves? Have none of them ever seen a vulva? And while there’s certainly no shortage of woman-shaming around other aspects of life, why in the world is it so much more virulent, threatening, and pervasive when it comes to sex?
I know that sexism is a huge piece of that. But so is sex-negativity and sexual shame. Plenty of people have written volumes about slut-shaming and how it’s used to police women’s choices. (I’ve had quite a bit to say on the topic, myself.) And what’s often left out of some of those discussions is the fact that sexual shaming only makes sense if you think that sex is shameful. Sexualized shaming of women only makes sense if you think that women’s sexuality is shameful. Getting off on sexualized shaming of women only happens if you get off on shaming and humiliating women.
So ask yourself – do you get a thrill when you see a fashion disaster? Do you enjoy a feeling of smug superiority when you hear about a celebrity trainwreck or when you see someone in a paparazzi photo that shows them simply being human instead of being perfect? If you do, then you might want to consider what makes you different from the men who created or participate on revenge porn sites. It’s easy to attack and blame them for their violations of women’s consent, for their sexualized shaming of their exes, and for being creepy. But maybe it’s time that we take a look at how many ways we create a culture in which their behaviour is simply a more extreme version of some behaviours that we don’t even notice anymore. Creepshots are pretty closely related to paparazzi photos, after all.
I’d love to live in a society that doesn’t get off on shaming people. Shame is powerful and while it can serve some positive purposes, as a culture, we’ve allowed ourselves to become hooked on it. I don’t see how that can be a good thing, and I think it’s up to each of us to find healthier ways to move through the world. One step we can take is to stop indulging our taste for shaming, especially sexualized shaming of women. And maybe the next time a celebrity does something embarrassing, we could just let it go. Maybe we could see what it’s like to not mock or shame people. Maybe we could ask ourselves why we get off on humiliating other people, how that shapes our relationships, and what that says about our own choices.
This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.
Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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Sex and Cancer
When you or someone you love receives a cancer diagnosis, sex may be the furthest thing from your mind. Instead, you are probably thinking, “Holy shit … how did this happen?” and “What do I do now?!” Though eventually, you start craving a return to some sense of normalcy, including at least some sexy time. For some survivors, this happens almost immediately; for others, it takes a bit longer. Thanks to new forms of treatment, many survivors have the time since they are living longer and richer lives than ever before.
That being said, about half of survivors report having long-lasting sexual issues. Because sex involves both body and mind, these issues can be physical, mental, or emotional. They may bother only you or they may affect your relationship with a partner. Regardless, the end result is the same: you aren’t getting the sex and intimacy they crave and deserve.
In this two-part series, we’ll be exploring both the common sexual issues experienced by cancer survivors and what you can do about them. Because I believe good sex, however you define it, is everyone’s birthright! Consider this Part I to be the foreplay to an amazing and climactic Part II.
So what are these sexual issues? The most common ones are:
- Loss of or decreased sexual desire (libido)
- Pain with intercourse (dyspareunia)
- The inability to become aroused
- Difficulty reaching orgasm (climax)
Other side effects can change your sex life even if they aren’t sexual in nature. For example, tiredness (fatigue), swelling in your arms and legs (lymphedema), and bodily pain can make sex both difficult and uncomfortable. Heck, we all know that if you are tired enough, even the best sex can feel like a chore!
Then there are the physical changes. Maybe you’ve gained or lost weight (and hair), had a surgery, or sported an ostomy. These things might understandably make you feel a little uncomfortable or even embarrassed when naked. I’m going to talk a lot about self-love ßdouble entendre intended in Part II but for now let me say this: your beautiful body has gotten you through so damn much. If the only thing you can muster is gratitude for what s/he’s gone through, then focus on that for now and worry about boosting your body image later.
*back to our regularly scheduled programing*
I know these changes can feel totally overwhelming and un-sexy. Luckily, there are so many treatment options no matter what side effects you are experiencing. Being a cancer survivor does not have to mean the end of your (amazing) sex life.
Go ahead and repeat that a few times until it sinks in. Then tune in for our Part II.
Your Partner in Passion,
KaitDo not miss another article on SimplySxy! Follow us on Facebook and Twitter for our latest updates!
Images courtesy of Shutterstock
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Queen of Lesbian Foot Worship: Kayla-Jane Danger
ABOUT KAYLA-JANE DANGER
Some people might think it’s dangerous to go from a go-go dancer, burlesque performer and fashion design and illustration student to being the Queen of Lesbian Foot Worship and soft core sensual scenes, but in eight years, Kayla-Jane Danger has done it…and without fear, making fantasy into her real world. In her previous incarnation, Danger garnered the title Music Video Honey and appeared in over 50 videos for world famous bands. Along with appearing on her own site MyDollParts.com that she runs, operates and makes exclusive content for, the girl next door with the ALT look has worked with Burning Angel and Sex Art, and been photographed by legendary photographers Holly Randall and Ken Marcus for the multiple times she has graced the pages of Hustler’s Taboo.
Her site, http://mydollparts.com/, received nominations in 2013 from The Sex Awards, XBIZ and AVN, and features Danger’s perfect legs ass and feet working with some of the hottest girls dreams are made of—her myriad of high quality fetish and erotic sites that make up her KJD Media network are some of the most popular and original sites in the fetish world. In 2014, Kayla’s dynamic sites helped her win AEVC’s award for Best Webstar of the Year, and she made her directorial debut with Filly Films and her movie, Carrie’s Secret, which she also wrote and had a cameo in.
Kayla stars in Zalman King’s film, “Pleasure or Pain”, that debuted in April on Cinemax, and completed a novel based on the screenplay currently available as an eBook on Amazon and Smashbooks. To keep up with her ever-growing empire and exciting new projects including her VIP parties, directorial debut for Filly Films, and her role as spokes model and participant in the goldRush Rally, follow her on Twitter at @kjdangerdoll and Instagram http://instagram.com/kjdangerdoll# and make sure to “like” her fan page on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/KaylaJaneDangerOfficial.
SimplySxy: What is your favourite thing about being in the adult industry?
Kayla-Jane: My favorite part might be that it exists at all. We’re lucky to live in a country with a “legal” adult industry, and without it I wouldn’t be able to express myself and my art in the same way. I get to live out my fantasies in a controlled and safe way on a daily basis, and what is better than that?!
SimplySxy: You are also known as The Danger Doll. How did this name originate?
Kayla-Jane: I really don’t remember. I want to say my full name, Kayla-Jane Danger, came first, but then, like all nicknames do, it took on a life of its own. I was The Danger Doll, a doll like-lady made for danger! It just stuck!
SimplySxy: The kink community is growing in numbers and even couples who are not into kink are beginning to take interest and explore in the bedroom. Can you give some tips for couples who like to try something kinky for the first time but are unsure of how to begin?
Kayla-Jane: Two of my biggest tips are to not be intimidated and do your research. Yes, sex is fun, silly and great, but without some good old-fashioned research, you could make a kinky time awkward and potentially unsafe. Also, communication is super important; not all kinks are something everyone likes the first tim, or can even jump right into. Don’t always pick the biggest, baddest looking toy or prop, because it might turn you off to the kink all together. Enjoy the learning process with your partner, try things on one another, and make sure you communicate your pleasure or displeasure accurately.
SimplySxy: In your opinion, how do you think a person develops a fetish for a particular item, say for example fishnet stockings or high heels to name just two?
Kayla-Jane: Well, it comes from a lot of things. However, the fetish you’re describing is usually something picked up from youth, and isn’t a learned fetish, like many activities, such as spanking or bondage are.
SimplySxy: What are some of your most loved kink items you simply can’t live without?
Kayla-Jane: HEELS HEELS HEELS … wait can heels be my answer for all of this? Okay, maybe a pair of epic stilettos, a corset, a heavy leather/suede flogger, 3-piece silk or lace lingerie set and nylon stockings. I hope that didn’t seem like cheating!
SimplySxy: Please share with us some memorable fetish requests from your fans which you have done?
Kayla-Jane: There’s one guy who has purchased probably about 15 or so custom video from me over the years; his fetish is white cotton panty play. Either 1 or 2 girls are wearing cropped t-shirts with bare feet, wearing very specific Hanes brand white cotton panties. He likes girls to use words like booty, bum, butt, and bottom, but not ass. He likes girls to pinch each other’s bootys, or rub and squeeze them, but we always make sure to smooth the panties, because he hates wedgies! He loves when the girls rub their butts together smoothing their hands over their butts together or side by side, so he gets a bum overload! I have done these videos with several performers like Jenna J Ross, Remy LaCroix, Skin Diamond, Athena Fatale, and one of my exclusive dolls, Jeanette. He literally tells me to make the same video over and over again. He just loves the scene and the way I do it so much, and I love making these videos for him!
SimplySxy: As we are on memorable fetishes, have there been any weird or freaky fetishes, which you heard of that you might consider rejecting if requested?
Kayla-Jane: Oh, I have rejected a lot, and I even state on my website I that I won’t do anything illegal, including crushing of animals or insects, anything involving animals, shit/scat, piss or blood. I also don’t engage in racial or religious humiliation either. I might toy with turning myself into your GOD, but I won’t belittle a religion or race, or make humiliation role play out of it.
SimplySxy: Are there any adult stars whom you wish to work with if you had the chance?
Kayla-Jane: Lucky for me, I do all the booking at KJD Media, so I tend to book the girls I want. However, there are a few I haven’t been able to nail down over the years for various reasons. I would LOVE to shoot with Dana DeArmond for MyDollParts.com, and also Riley Reed and Ryan Ryans.
SimplySxy: Tease us and allow our imagination to go wild. One of our readers has a fetish for girl and girl toe licking. How will you go about satisfying this fetish?
Kayla-Jane: I’d tell them to go to MyDollParts.com, where they can watch a bevy of beauties and me worshiping each other from the toes up. It’s a place where ladies wrap their lips around each toe, slipping their tongues between each toe, pulling away with long strands of spit connecting them. Some girls are delicate and flick their tongues along the arches of their lover as if it were her pussy, and others devour feet taking in all their toes at once, sometimes two feet at a time! My Dolls and I know how to fill every fantasy!
SimplySxy: Thank you for your time Kayla. Do you have any upcoming projects you wish to promote?
Kayla-Jane: GoldRush Rally is just a few weeks away, and it is my 5th year on the rally, and as its Hostess. It is the most fun time of year for me, and I can’t wait for another epic crosscountry adventure. If you want to know where you can see the cars and me along the way, please visit https://www.facebook.com/goldRushRally. Also, I have a few feature scripts in the works but nothing nailed down as of now. Don’t forget to check out my recent release “Carrie’s Secret”, which is my first film I directed for Filly Films.
A message from you to all your fans and the SimplySxy readers:
Make sure to see the amazing fast cars and me on the Gold Rush Rally. It starts May 31st in Las Vegas and goes through Denver, Chicago, Cleveland, DC and ends in New York. It’s quite a ride and the fans get to meet us in many cities. There are parties and track events open to the public, and they can see us speed off, too. There’s nothing quite like it.
Make sure to check out my official sites at mydollparts.com and kjd-media.com. Follow my personal Twitter @KJDangerDoll and my company one is @KJDMedia, and my Instagram http://instagram.com/kjdangerdoll#. Make sure to like my Facebook Fan Page https://www.facebook.com/KaylaJaneDangerOfficial.
Images courtesy of Kayla-Jane Danger
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The Porn Revolution
When we hear the term “sexual revolution”, it represents the liberalization of sexual attitudes and moral beliefs through our history. The history of sexual revolutions has had a major impact on our culture by influencing how we think, feel, and express our sexuality. Two of the most prominent times in history for sexuality were the 20’s and 60’s. During the first sexual revolution, known as “The Roaring Twenties”, it was a time of drastic social and political change. Women were feeling more empowered, working in executive positions, drinking, smoking and having fun. Sexuality for women was impacted by the rise in birth control use, leading to women having fewer children. Inventions like the washing machine and vacuum freed up time doing house chores and encouraged women to get out into the work force. It was a period of history that launched an economy driven by pleasure. This was the birth of mass culture—cars, movies and music. The distribution of pornography increased during this time and became a mainstream way to enjoy erotica as a form of entertainment.
During the 60’s and 70’s, it was all about free love and social change. There were major shifts in women’s sexuality, homosexuality, premarital sexuality and sexual expression. Even psychologists like Sigmund Freud, Alfred Kinsey and William Reich contributed to the social movement in bringing awareness to research and insight into human sexual desire and behavior. It was a time for political change, breaking down boundaries, reforming laws and the medical regulation of sexuality. Sexual freedom became a new way of living and as society’s views on sexuality changed, there was an increase in pornography in mass media—a money-making industry that commercialized on the sexual interests and changes of a growing society and strived to appeal to the masses.
Despite having two major sexual revolutions in our history, we are still a society that is uncomfortable with sexuality and impacted by social and cultural institutions when it comes to how we think and feel about sex. Our sexual values and beliefs are shaped by what we learn from parents, friends, teachers and religious institutions. Sexual experiences and education often conflict with inner sexual desires and lead to sexual repression, sexual dysfunction or sexually compulsive behaviors. Today’s argument is that pornography shapes and distorts our views on sexuality and how we experience sex. In actuality, we have a complicated relationship with sex. We are bombarded with sex everywhere in our culture, not only in pornography. Sex sells products from every industry and “sexual” images are more mainstream than ever—yet we are shamed for enjoying or talking openly about sex. Women’s sexuality is stereotyped with mixed messages regarding what is acceptable sexual behavior for both sexes. The role of pornography is controversial because it is one of the most accessed forms of media and with modern technology, can be available to anyone at any time. In the early sexual revolutions, pornography was a way to express sexuality and empower individuals around taking charge of their sexual rights. Most pornography today can be viewed as objectifying women and men, creating gender stereotypes and portraying unrealistic forms of body image. Women can be seen as objects driven to satisfy men. Men can be seen as always physically aroused and insatiable. Body images include augmented breasts, labiaplasty, unusually large genitalia and perfect bodies. Pornography has moved from sexual freedom of expression to sexual stereotypes and misunderstood fantasies.
History will show that attitudes towards sex change over time but it takes a strong political and social intervention to see it happen. The feminist movement of the 1960’s brought topics of female sexual desire, gender stereotypes and women having sex for pleasure into cultural awareness. Feminism was an important sexual revolution because it forced society to think about sexual objectification and exploitation. In today’s culture, we are expanding our views of sexuality by acknowledging variations in sexual expression, orientation and sexual identification. Yet we still live in a culture that strives to condemn porn, repress women’s sexual rights, support abstinence and minimize the importance of sexual education.
Sexual politics have created strategies and policies that attempt to censor and condemn the power of pornography. It is a fast growing industry making billions of dollars with minimal laws regulating it or discussions on using it in a positive way. Pornography will continue to perpetrate negative images, objectification and acts of violence against women. The question we must ask ourselves is, “should we focus less on censoring and ignoring pornography and work towards using pornography as a tool for positive change?” Since the world of pornography is constantly growing, we are seeing more producers that are women. We are also seeing men who are changing the kinds of pornography that are mainstream. There are women like Candida Royale and Petra Joy who are creating a kind of pornography that focuses on the context of sexual pleasure from a woman’s perspective, and portrays sexual experiences in a meaningful way. Women, as well as men, are producing pornography that is focused on real life sexual situations and not negative, abusive, or unrealistic portrayals. There is a website called, “Make Love Not Porn” created by Cindy Gallup that is intended to help inspire and stimulate open and healthy conversations about sex and pornography with the goal of helping people have more healthy and enjoyable sexual relationships. Other porn producers are seeking to educate and enrich individuals’ sexual experiences and base their work on honest, authentic sexual fantasies, desires and intimacy.
So is pornography having its own sexual revolution? With the challenges pornography faces in our culture and the growing technology, it is easy to conclude that the landscape of pornography will continue to change. New pornography is being produced in a way that empowers people sexually and engage different individuals in a non-threatening way at the same time. Our basic human needs include connection, affirmation and intimacy. Pornography has often worked on the desires of passion and sex, but will hopefully grow as a form of media that teaches respect, mutual affirmation and the diversity of human sexual interests.
Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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Hey Honey, Let’s Talk About Porn.
As has been discussed before on this site, a lot of people watch porn. Specifically, a lot of people watch porn by themselves. Porn consumption is generally a private practice, one that is not usually discussed with other people—even (or maybe especially not with) our significant others.
Searching online, you will find a lot of commentary from relationship experts arguing about whether the use of pornography is good or bad for a relationship. Some argue that it can create distrust and insecurity in a relationship while others suggest that it can help build intimacy and “spice up” a couple’s sex life. I would argue that whatever your personal porn habits are, it is worthwhile to have an open, honest conversation about it with your partner (or partners) as a way to communicate your fantasies and curiosities as well as your concerns and insecurities.
One commonly held belief that often causes discord in couples concerning porn is that “what my partner watches in porn is what they want in real life.” This is absolutely not the case. Sure, a person may see something in porn that they want to try or they may search for something that they fantasize about doing in real life, but just because they are sexually aroused by an image or scene does not mean they desire to act it out. For example, some straight women like to watch lesbian porn but have little or no desire to be with a woman in real life. Similarly, straight men may watch gay male fellatio porn but have no desire to re-enact that situation. This is difficult for people (especially partners of the person watching the porn) to accept or understand. But sexual arousal is complex and what we fantasize about, what we masturbate to, and what we desire in real life with a partner are often different.
Many people who have had only limited exposure to porn tend to think that all of it features unrealistic acts or exaggerated bodies with silicone and fake tans galore. And while there is a ton of that out there, a lot of porn produced today features different body types, ethnicities, ages, genders, and pairings of sexual partners. There has also been a huge rise in “amateur porn”, or porn that is uploaded to the Internet by “regular people” who look like you and me. In fact, Cindy Gallop, an entrepreneur, consultant and speaker, created a website called MakeLoveNotPorn.com that hosts amateur porn video submissions. This is a great resource for individuals and couples who may find the aforementioned “traditional porn” intimidating or unappealing. Additionally, this new era of porn does not only feature man/woman, woman/woman, and man/man run-of-the-mill sex. Fetish sites and speciality porn are also accessible by searching for literally any type of porn you can think of in Google search. The Center for Sexual Health and Pleasure’s website where Clinical Sexologist and AASECT certified Sexuality Educator Megan Andelloux answers the question, “Where Do I Find Ethical Porn?” is another avenue for finding particular sites and to learn about how to search for “ethically-made porn,” or porn that is made, produced, and marketed with transparency of who benefits from any revenue that results in its distribution and which employs willing, informed performers who are treated ethically (definitions of “ethical porn” vary, but this is my understanding of what it should entail).
All of that said, pornography use does not interest everyone. Some people are adamantly against it; whether because of the traditionally misogynistic practices and content of some parts of the industry or their own moral beliefs regarding sex and masturbation, and some people prefer other methods of sexual stimulation. In the context of a relationship, it is important to respect your partner’s preference and maintain an open dialogue with compromise and negotiation when needed. The necessary step is to have the conversation.
Some people would like to watch porn with their partner, but are nervous to bring it up. Some prefer to keep their porn-watching a solo activity, but might be curious about what their partner is watching. Either way, having an open, honest conversation about porn is not easy for many people. It requires being vulnerable and open to judgement by discussing and admitting to certain sexual turn-ons and practices that may have not come up before in the relationship. For example, in a male-female relationship, the female might assume her male partner has watched or currently watches porn because it is generally accepted that men watch porn, but may be nervous to talk about her own porn habits for fear of how she might be viewed. The male partner might be interested in watching porn with his female partner, but doesn’t want her to think he prefers porn to having sex with her and so avoids the conversation all together. There is a common belief that women do not like or watch porn and men who watch porn are sexually unsatisfied or have some kind of addiction. This is why it is important to initiate a conversation with honesty, but to also remain curious and non-judgemental so each partner can feel more comfortable disclosing the truth about their porn habits. While the first couple of conversations might feel awkward, embracing the topic can lead to better understanding and increased intimacy. Once these conversations become more comfortable, a couple may decide they want to watch porn together, which, for some couples, can open up a new and exciting avenue for intimacy and sexual exploration.
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Images courtesy of Shutterstock
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Une Femme POV on Pornography
Watching Pornography from a Personal as well as a Woman’s Point of View
“Wow, you seem really cranky,” my friend Kristina told me.
We were in the middle of the workday, working as full-time tellers at a bank that has now been taken over by a larger bank.
Kristina handed me a slip of paper. www.redtube.com was written on it.
“When you get home, go to this website. Make sure you’re alone.”
The other tellers burst into laughter and chimed in with their agreement that after visiting this website, I wouldn’t feel so cranky.
They wouldn’t tell me what was so funny.
I didn’t get the chance to check the site for a few days. It was summer then, and I was crashing on my mom’s couch while I was home from college, so I didn’t exactly have regular moments alone.
Meanwhile Kristina asked me about the site every day—while always cautioning me to make sure to check it while I was alone.
Finally, my mom and her boyfriend were out, and my brother, his girlfriend, and their son were out. It was just me, so I booted up my laptop and typed in the site.
Porn.
I laughed. “This will put you in a better mood,” she had told me.
Of course it was porn.
This was about five years ago.
I saved that site, clicking through it periodically when I needed a visual to accompany my vibrator. I know they say men are the visual creatures, but I always came much harder and faster when watching porn.
Although red tube wasn’t necessarily to my specific taste—I tend to prefer the soft-core, HBO and Cinemax late-night style of soft-lighting, moaning, and mild nudity — it got the job done, and it gave me an outlet to explore other aspects of my sexuality.
Now I live in Korea, where porn is generally blocked, and a lesbian friend of mine here told me that I am one of the straightest women she knows. I have had my experiences of kissing women, but she’s right in that I’ve never had sex with a woman or taken any of the kissing past the make-out stage.
I do, however, think the female body is attractive as hell and when I watch porn, I get to explore that attraction in a way that I feel is safe and comfortable for me.
I’ve been watching porn on-and-off since my brother and I first found a pornographic video that our parents accidentally left in the VCR. We popped it in, turned it on, and surprise surprise: it was a woman getting f**ked from behind while sucking her own nipple.
For years after this tape had been re-hidden, then taken away altogether, I measured my breast growth not by cup-size—but by whether they were big enough to reach my own mouth. I rejoiced when they finally were.
After that video disappeared, I began to watch late night soft-core porn like Real Sex. As an adolescent with no experience, I found these shows to be intensely erotic, stimulating a sexual desire in me that was almost painful.
Although I was young when watching these videos, I was not so impressionable that they made me want to actually go through with having sex. Instead, they answered questions for me that I couldn’t ask my parents—or articulate at all. They helped me to understand the roots of where my more strange feelings were coming from and they taught me how to masturbate better.
I’m not going to say that if I had a young adolescent daughter I’d be pleased with her watching porn, but I definitely think moderate porn-watching is a healthy, normal thing.
That is, until I see a close-up of an actress’s vagina and she doesn’t look wet — and then I feel like I’m actively participating in the subjugation of some poor woman who is maybe unwillingly acting as a sex worker.
My feelings toward porn are somewhat conflicted.
When I used to go to church, the pastor would regularly name “watching pornography” in his list of modern-day sins a man (nearly always a man) could find himself caught up in.
I never understood this. I’ve never thought there was any harm in watching a little porn—rather, I’ve always viewed it as a healthy and private way to explore one’s sexuality, fantasies, and boundaries—knowledge of which is necessary in order to have truly satisfying sex.
Oh the other hand, though, when watching some of the cheaper, pirated porn sites, I begin to wonder how many of the women in these flicks are victims of sex trafficking, especially when they look too young or don’t seem to be enjoying the sex.
Then I turn it off and am turned off as I ponder whether I have a moral responsibility beyond simply not consuming these questionable products.
That’s why I’m happy now to hear about more instances of independent porn made by women for women. I am excited to support pornography that focuses on showing the actresses experiencing intense pleasure and climaxing, and takes sexuality outside of the realm of male-dominated fantasy. For a woman like me, this is probably the healthiest and most satisfying pornography of all.
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Images courtesy of Shutterstock
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Un Homme POV on Pornography
Last month I was visiting a friend in California and found his coffee table littered with real estate magazines and property brochures. I thought this was odd as he’d just bought his house a year ago and seemed pretty happy with it. “Oh, I’m not actually looking to buy anything right now,” he said. “But I developed a passion for this stuff when I was house hunting. I’m still curious, and I find it entertaining. I also wish I could own some of these houses someday, and when I look at them, part of me feels that I do.”
Curiosity. Entertainment. Wish fulfilment. My mind went straight to why myself and millions of men watch porn. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that porn is much more than a man and a woman going skin-on-skin. No pun intended, it goes much deeper.
Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that property and porn are the same thing. They’re not —but when money’s not involved, the motivations behind following real estate, cars, or porn are the same. And they’re human, healthy, and masculine.
The element of curiosity takes me back to the age of 12 when I was about to watch my first porn film, and inserting a tape into the VCR while hoping not to get caught. I remember the sense of mystery as I was about to see people having sex, for the first time in my life. I also remember the first scene, involving two bob haircut Japanese lesbians— twins, if I recall correctly—launching immediately into a 69. This was certainly an interesting first lesson!
If it sounds entertaining, that’s because it is, especially as the “dialogue” commenced with, “How about some pussy, bitch?” But porn is of course much more than comedy, otherwise we’d simply watch The Naked Gun or The Hangover. On top of the fact that I barely knew what a lesbian was at that time and getting both an education and a hard-on, I was being entertained; and in a way other types of movies couldn’t do. For, pornography speaks to the condition of being a man in ways that other genres of film simply cannot. It captures a fundamental aspect of manhood and of thinking like a man. And it reminds us that there’s nothing wrong with thinking about sex, or with wanting to have it. The desires involved are fully and completely human, as with my friend from Cali and his property mags.
As I watched more porn over the years, I also came to see that these movies supplied me with the fulfilment of fantasies and also of human drives. Whether we are single or attached, monogamous or promiscuous, men need to feel, even only virtually, the spice of different sexual partners in their lives. Call it anthropological, biological, or what you will: men are programmed to crave sexual variety, and porn offers us a safe, consequence-free way of doing so. The wish fulfilment merges with entertainment and curiosity. Will the girl have big tits or just perky ones? Will her pussy be totally shaved, in a landing strip, or au naturel? (I prefer the first). Will she have a sexy accent? Will her hair be long or in a bob, like the Japanese lesbians who popped my porn cherry? We can explore these varieties as much as we want, and be entertained and fulfilled, while satisfying our curiosity over and over.
So the next time someone gives you grief for watching porn, remind them that their interest in property, cars, or sports isn’t really any different. Porn is just another way of celebrating being human—and of simply being a man.
Andrew Slade is a thirty-something expat who divides his time between China and SouthEast Asia and the West. He’s a man’s man who generally knows what he wants, though he doesn’t mind being surprised. When not working, he enjoys a good glass of whisky and the company of a lady of interest.
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Lesbian Porn vs. Gay Porn
Lesbian porn and gay porn: At first glance, seemed to look like different sides of the same coin. However, it is very difficult to place them into the proverbial box.
Firstly, lesbian porn is not designed for lesbians. It is designed in the imagery of the heterosexual male’s fantasy. Most sexual positions that are seen in these movies are targeted to arouse men. Take for example the scissors position; it is a very awkward position for women to have their legs and groin in such a pose. It is a pose that takes a lot of effort but with very little returns. However, there is no doubt that the pose is visually stunning on camera.
Heterosexual men do not have a clear understand on how orgasm in women occurs. Many still have the perception that orgasm only occurs when penetration happens. This is not true. Dr. William Masters, a pioneer in the nature of human sexual response published a paper on this topic in 1966. Dr. Masters found that a clitoral orgasm shows the same sexual response as a vaginal orgasm. If such information has been around for decades, why then is our society still clueless when it comes to matters in bed?
On the other side of the coin, anal sex or any form of male submission in gay porn is a turn off for heterosexual men. Most straight people have the notion that anal sex is the main sexual satisfaction that gay men are looking for. However, not all gay men want anal sex. There are many gay men that choose to abstain from anal sex but yet have very healthy sexual relationships with their partners. Penetration is not the only way to receive emotional and sexual satisfaction. Like any relationship, one must take the time to find out what sexually stimulates your partner.
Gay porn is very much interwoven in a gay man’s life; much like heterosexual porn to straight men. Most porn stars have become a household name. If you mention names like Peter Fever and Johnny Rapid, you will definitely strike a chord with a gay man. Last year, there was a great loss in the gay porn industry as well as in the gay community. Koh Masaki, a famous gay porn star died at the age of 29. His death was sudden and tragic. Koh Masaki has starred in over a hundred gay porn films and is known for his good looks, masculinity and passion on scene. He brought joy and comfort to many gay men. Upon his death, millions all of around the world went into mourning together with his partner and his family.
Porn has many sides and many faces. It has different meanings to different people. Porn is also a heightened version of society’s sexual needs. However, the lack of dialog for such taboo conversations prevents us from having a deeper understanding of the complexity of the human sexual experience. If such open dialog takes place, it can help many understand that homosexual porn is far too dynamic to be stereotyped as different sides of the same coin.
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Images courtesy of Shutterstock -
Feminist Porn: Orgasmic, Honest and Empowering!
Pornography is one of those hot-button issues (like abortion or same-sex marriage) that many people are markedly divided on: you’re either pro or anti-porn. This division is largely influenced by feminism and women’s movements (which men can be a part of too!) which proclaim that mainstream porn is produced by men, for men, which leads to the objectification and (non-consensual) humiliation of women. However there is hope; there is feminist porn!
Unfortunately, the proclamation about mainstream porn being objectifying and demeaning of women is pretty accurate. Watch any heterosexual porn; it is easy to see that the woman’s sexual needs and pleasure are not a priority. The “male gaze” of the camera portrays women as objects because the camera largely focuses on the women’s body parts (her breasts or vagina), instead as a whole. For those of you who are unsure, this is a prime example of objectification; depicting a woman as disjointed body parts, not as a person. She is not seen as a sexual being with her own sexual needs. Even lesbian mainstream porn is created for men’s pleasure and still is not focused on female desire or showing women as whole women. The viewer primarily only sees fingers going into vaginas or tongues licking clits—not good!
Don’t worry, feminist porn is here to save the female orgasm … I mean day! What is feminist porn you ask? Feminist porn is made by feminists (mostly women, but that’s not always the case) and attempts to give the audience what mainstream porn doesn’t—real people sometimes of different gender identities and sizes having real sex. Feminist porn likes to show real foreplay, real sex, and real orgasms. The viewer can see the individuals and partners not just as a vagina or a penis but as a person with different sexual desires or kinks.
How do feminist porn directors and producers show the audience real and not produced or forced sexuality? Well for starters, feminist pornographers are usually advocates of better wages and conditions for actors and actresses. Makes sense right? Better conditions to have sex, more freedom to voice concerns about the scene (i.e. wanting to wear a condom) and higher pay would make any employee feel better about their job and probably increase morale and productivity too.
In addition, feminist porn loves to showcase different kinds of actors and actresses. It can be difficult to find trans, gender fluid, gender bending or queer actors in mainstream porn, but there are plenty of queer folks in feminist porn who love to have sexy fun too. Mainstream porn can seem limited with the actors they showcase; they are mostly White, able-bodied individuals and often straight-identifying people play gay, lesbian or bi-roles. In feminist porn there are queer-identifying people playing queer-identified roles, which also adds to the authenticity of the porn.
Feminist porn also likes to bring gender and social issues to center stage in some of the filming by highlighting disability, gender and/or sex roles. Having actors who have disabilities, androgynous (having masculine and feminine characteristics) or show actors in non-traditional power roles (like having a woman cum on a man) can push the cultural norms of what it means to be beautiful, powerful or sexually active.
Don’t be mistaken, feminist porn is not just for women or activists or queer people though. Feminist porn has a wide range of genres with an even wider range of actors to play in the scenes. There are sensual scenes like mutual masturbation between a woman and her male partner to an orgy scene with five men and women using gadgets such as ball-gags and crops while playing. There’s definitely something that would tickle almost anyone’s fancy.
This is just a glimpse into what feminist porn has to offer. Feminist porn wants to expand the audience’s ideas about desire, sexuality, beauty, gender, and power through revolutionary film-making with happy, consenting and sometimes gender bending actors. It’s all about empowerment both for the actors and producers, as well as for the audience. To watch some awesome feminist porn, check out the following links:
Gooddykeporn.com
Indiepornrevolution.com
Brightdesire.comImages courtesy of Shutterstock
In tomorrow’s special, we speak to Mike Kulich, founder and chairman of adult entertainment company Monarchy Distribution.
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