Tag: Sex Education

5 Ways To Pleasure A Woman

XXX Adult Star Derrick Pierce shares on SimplySxy, his secrets on how to pleasure a woman. Read on!

Before we even head down this road please understand that you are fighting an uphill battle. It can be won, it will just take some doing on your part. Don’t be afraid of a little hard work. Trust me, she will appreciate it.

1. It’s called communication

This should happen WAY before any actual physical activities. Want to get her going before she hits the bed? Start that little text conversation. Make small sexual advances throughout the day. Nothing too over the top, unless you have already established these parameters. It can be more suggestive than anything else. The real trick is to get her to text you nasty things of her own accord. You can do this by making a small suggestion such as “I love the way you taste on my lips”. If you make it about her, she will usually be into it. Once she takes the bait, don’t reel her in. Let her run with it for a bit. If she responds in the affirmative, then ask her what she likes about it. Keep it about her as much as possible.

2. Ready for action

Be clean! Pretty simple and straight forward. clean doesn’t only mean a shower. It means having a shave if needs be. Trim your nose hairs and pubic hair too! No need to shave it off, unless you are into that, but trim it back. Ladies don’t want a mouth full of hair in their mouth if they feel like trying to swallow you up. Most men don’t like the amazon rainforest in between the pillars of heaven either. Show some initiative and get your lawn in order.

3. Ready … set … slow down

Once you are prepped for battle—that is well groomed—there is no real need to rush into the thick of things, unless it is supposed to be a quickie. Even then, you can take a minute to survey your surroundings. Don’t rush to get her naked. Clothes can be fun. Pull a few things to the side. Leave on her shoes, unless they are Uggs or flip flops … those things have got to go!

4. The Bermuda Triangle

Most men think women are an upside down triangle with the nipples being two points of contact and the vagina being the final resting place of the third. Wrong! We have fingers, hands, arms, toes, feet, legs … you get the picture. While those three points end up being a “final resting place” as the action goes on, it does not mean that all other areas are off limits. Grab her from behind, talk to her, tell her what she is in store for. Speak slowly and close to her so she can hear you. Use your hands to touch her whole body. Kiss and nibble on places that you normally would pass up. When you are going to go down on her, lick and touch everything except the clitoris. Save that for last. Keep licking her around and around slowly, ask her what she wants. I can near guarantee that she will all but beg you to lick her whole pussy. After that, you would have to work really hard to go wrong.

5. Keep her coming back

Don’t think because you busted a load in a rubber body bag or you made finger paint art on her stomach, that you are now done. Make sure that she has a big ass smile before you call it quits. If you can, chill out with her for a few moments. Pillow talk and some cup caking goes a long way. If you can’t, hit her with a message that is kind of sweet after you have left. It lets her know that even if it was a “hit it and roll out” you did think about her in the aftermath. That will give you an open invitation to have those lines of communication at a later time.

Prior to joining the ranks of the porn elite, XXX hunk Derrick Pierce was a certified personal trainer and martial arts instructor. The “Bad Boy of Adult” has coached and cornered some of the most acclaimed professional MMA athletes from both WEC and UFC. Derrick has performed in a multitude of roles ranging from hardcore BDSM to feature adult films. The handsome stud has worked with every established adult production company and plays the convincing villain in Axel Braun’s comic book parody films such as Wolverine XXX, The Dark Knight XXX and Captain America XXX. Derrick was awarded Best Actor in a Couples Themed Release for his directorial feature movie release with Wicked Pictures’ Tuff Love, a film centered around his passion for MMA. Derrick also received nominations for Director of the Year, Male Performer of the Year, Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor in the 2014 XBiz Awards and Best Supporting Actor in the 2014 AVN Awards. Derrick recently launched the first mobile crossfit affiliate, Crossfit Drop and already has his hands in several production ventures. Derrick has launched his first member’s website BangingPornstars.com, which follows Derrick’s adventures in bedding some of the hottest starlets in adult. The Herculean performer has proven his talent behind the camera. With his own production company, Primal Productions, and directorial releases including Hustler’s 40th anniversary Hard And Fast, he now looks to make a name for himself as the next XXX producer to watch.

http://starfactorypr.com/derrick-pierce
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www.Twitter.com/DPierceXXX
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Images courtesy of Derrick Pierce
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June 19, 2014
Sex Under the Influence of Jack Daniels Vs. Sex Under the Influence of Mary Jane

First off, this article was written for the sole purpose of scientific inquiry. We understand that cannabis use has not yet made that leap towards international legalization, and while that’s a shame, we discourage use of illicit substances. Having said that, let’s move forward to the heart and soul of the article. I have my own share of experiences having sex after a night of heavy drinking and a few nights making love under the influence of cannabis. Sex alone, no matter how lousy, is a magical experience. How wonderful can it get if I was to add a substance to enhance the experience?

Complex Intellectual Functioning

In my experience of smoking pot and in my experience of drinking alcohol near my level of tolerance, I noticed that higher levels of brain functioning was no longer available. In both experiences, I could not think straight, I wasn’t very rational, and I lost the ability to think ahead. Nonetheless, who needs rational thinking when you’re about to have sex?

Anxiety

Personally, I experience a bit of a performance anxiety when having sex with someone for the first time. At the back of my head, I know my performance today might affect my chances with other girls in the future because girls talk a lot, and they talk about everything. Alcohol made sure those nasty thoughts in my head were gone. Likewise, anxious thoughts had no space in my cannabinoid-surging brain. In both experiences, my tendency to be anxious was addressed.

Extended Plateau Phase

One magical thing I noticed under the influence of either alcohol or marijuana was the extended plateau phase. I was less excited by visual cues such as a woman’s full breasts, curvy body, toned midsection, and flawless skin among others when tipsy. I was able to last longer and enjoy the experience rather than thinking of disgusting things just to hold it a little longer. The same was true when I smoked weed prior to sex; I was living in the moment. Thinking of nothing else and fully taking in every stimulus presented by each moment led to a fascinating experience. Under the influence of marijuana, paradoxically, I felt like I was letting go and letting the experience come yet I felt like I was in complete control. Being in this state of mind gave me the pleasure of extending the plateau phase for as long as I wanted.

Motivation

The motivation behind wanting to have sex under the influence of alcohol was different from my motivation when I smoked pot. After consuming a few beers or a few shots and I was with someone, my desire to take her clothes off and do unspeakable things would usually consume me. With my heightened libido, I could not wait until my woman and I were behind closed doors and closed lights so that I could get the bed rocking and creaking. In retrospect, I was motivated to have sex to satisfy my need for pleasure and release. On the other hand, the motivation to be with someone under the influence of cannabis was to be able to touch and feel a woman’s body. I wasn’t burning with desire; however, my skin wanted to feel the skin of the woman I’m with. I found intense pleasure in pressing my body against my lover’s body. As opposed to using a woman’s body to gratify my sexual desires, my main motivation under the influence of weed was to enjoy and share my body with my lover. There’s a huge difference in terms of experience when I was out to get something versus when I was out to share something.

Sensual Acuity

Under the influence of alcohol, I noticed I was less sensitive as if my entire body was covered by a huge condom. I was still able to enjoy a woman’s soft and delicate body, and I could still feel her warm and lubricating lady parts but it was not as intense as compared to when I’m sober. The loss of sensitivity can also be a factor in extending the plateau phase of the encounter. On the contrary, a sexual experience enhanced by marijuana can be strong, passionate, and intense. It’s as if every part of my body was coming to life. I was extra sensitive, but I wasn’t too excited. My attention was not confined to my manhood; I was aware of every sensation from my hair down to my toes. Words fail to completely describe the beautiful experience.

Partner in Crime

Having sex sober can also be a mind-blowing experience. However, if my partner was a little tipsy or has elected to take a hit or two, the tryst can drastically change for the better. After sharing a few drinks with my woman, the approach to sex took a different form. Instead of the usual slow and calculated movements along with an incredible amount of gentle foreplay, tipsy sex can be rough, beastly, and desecrating. Both of us couldn’t wait to tear each other’s clothes apart. Once the clothes were on the floor, every action was directed by impulse. Hickies and scratches were unavoidable because of the irresistible urge to follow basic instincts. On the other hand, having sex when my partner and I smoked pot was the epitome of lovemaking. The need to have our bodies close and pressed against each other was insatiable. I couldn’t get enough of kissing her, and she couldn’t get enough kissing me. I wanted to lick and suck every inch of her skin, and she wanted to do the same to me. It may sound like spiritual mumbo-jumbo but once I was inside of her, I experienced the hallucinogenic property of marijuana. It felt like I was making love to every woman and all women in the world at the same time. The encounter was transcendental as I was able to go beyond my body, and her body acted as a conduit to a greater experience. I have no idea if she felt the same. I hope she did.

Like I said before, sex alone is a magical experience. Add a substance and the experience can go to another level or take a different form. Sex under the influence of alcohol is amazing and the wonderful thing about it is that consumption of alcohol is legal everywhere. I can’t say the same thing about weed because only a few states have allowed its recreational use. If you are lucky enough to be living in this state, what’s stopping you from taking advantage of its effects?

SimplySxy does not advocate the use of any form of drugs and illicit substances.

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June 17, 2014
Oohhhh … Tantric Sexual Massages

It frustrates me that when it comes to carnal desire. I so often hear people charge men of only being interested in one thing, Sex! But this is so not true. Yes men do love to have penetrative sex; its primal; its immensely satisfying when good and ultimately, it can secure our genetic line and because of this it is clearly what biologically we as men are programmed to enjoy as often as possible and with as many (females) as possible. However, what many don’t appreciate—and I include many men in this—is that most men also enjoy and actually need the physical intimate touch that come with the sex as much as the sex itself. In fact, many men find it difficult to perform as confidently as they want to if they do not feel an intimate connection with their partner, be it a female or male.

There is no doubt in my mind that the adage “women have a higher threshold of pain than men” is correct, childbirth makes this necessary but I would go on to say that it appears to me that men have a “lower threshold of pleasure than women”. I have to date, given over 5,000 sensual massages to men and some 200 to women and I can confidently say that from my experience in the arousal states, male bodies generally react and get aroused faster to touch than female bodies.

With the male body I find that it is usually after only 5 to 10 minutes into the massage and often see the clear evidence of arousal. Gentle moans or movements of the body and of course a developing erection is a clear sign and as the massage unfolds, the man will become even more aroused and reactive. These bodily reactions to my touch are immediate when I stroke his back, scratch my nails on his bum or inner thighs or even simply massage his scalp, all of this will make him spontaneously respond with pleasurable sounds or movement. But I believe that there is far more to this than just sexual arousal.

It is clear to me that as the massage unfolds and as my touch stimulates the skin’s sensory nerve endings, triggering the Pituitary gland to release Oxytocin, the hormone cutely called by some, “the love hormone”, the man experiences arousal and erection is usually the result. What I have also noticed is that arousal takes place and so manifests his need to create and intimate connection with me. This may simply be a hand touching my thigh, arm or body or somewhere even more intimate. So I figure that similar in relevance to nature programming pain thresholds to be higher for women to be able to endure childbirth, that this need and desire in men for intimate (reciprocal) touch has also been programmed into the male physiology and psychology for a similar reason. No, his hand reaching out to touch me should not be viewed simply as a predatory sexual approach but more of a genuine desire for connection and to receive approval and acceptance from another.

Most men know that to become completely and fully aroused, most need to feel connected, entitled and wanted of by the other person, be it female or male. Having his own touch welcomed and acknowledged and then reciprocated, particularly when received and given to sensitive and genital areas (the scrotum, perineum, anus) a man unconsciously feels he can trust and feel safe and it is this feeling of safety that triggers his nervous system slide from the fight or flight mode to the rest and relax mode thus removing anxiety, allowing total relaxation of the muscles and mood and consequently give him maximum arousal.

My experience when giving male-to-male massage is that it is this dynamic of intimate connection between men that is as pleasurable as the arousal and eventual orgasm itself. Conversely, when I give sensual massage to female clients after an initial quiet period, I find many women explode into an almost sexual abandonment where they let go completely of themselves to the erotic nature of the massage. For example, in the male to male massage, the effect of cupping and gently stroking his balls and scrotum produces in the receiver not an erotic response but more of a bonding, caring and almost paternal emotion. Tritely, I often say that to test my theory about what men really want, I should stand in Trafalgar Square with a sign offering all the men there two options a) the option of having either a 5 minute fuck or b) to enjoy a 90 minute full body sensual massage that would of course, include and orgasm by hand but not include any penetrative sex. I truly believe that the majority of men, certainly those over the age of 25, would opt for option b!

Demure Debutante to Erotic: The Female Time Bomb

When I give a sensual massage to a female client, the dynamic of the massage is quite different. Initially, the response to my touch is much slower and more sedated, there is very little display of movement or sound. In fact, the female who does immediately display any response is the exception. However, it is after about 30 minutes that I begin to see quite quickly, the effects of my touch and maybe some movement and moans. But when I start the more erotic touch genital stimulation that is when I see and feel what I call the female “Flip” as the demure deb explodes into the erotic animal. Light sighs become groans of pleasure, gentle movements becomes trashing and straining of limbs and the gentle response to my intimate touch become grabbing and pulling as her energy and attention become rooted in her erotic journey. Again, this is proof of the effect of the oxytocin at work. It causes an initial arousal process but when released into the female body it creates at first a tempered effect, a kind of wariness and an “I like of what you are doing but let me check you out first” feeling, it is only when this passes and when the touch has been assessed and accepted that the decorum deserts, reticence rolls away and is replaced by a full-on primal sexual reaction.

Don’t let it ever be said that women are less sexual than men. If you believe it is men who hold the erotic trump card, you will be wrong. It has to be said that after giving some 200 sensual massages to women, I am still in awe of this experience. Beware guys! Today’s female is changing fast. No longer is it the prerogative of men to be the sexual overseer and it’s not just the young nubile female of the 21st century who is taking control and expressing her deeper desires but in my experience, it is the ladies who are over 35 years old who are the powerhouses of sexual energy. Like a ready time bomb; once the female who has been historically suppressed by cultural, religious or simply social controls lets these fall away, what is revealed is her womanhood in its true glory. But this is not new, only our times and understanding of the female sexuality have changed. During the Victorian era more than 100 years ago; female sexual desire in particular, was just as apparent. The women in the 1850s felt no less sexual desire as a woman of today, but today we understand that for her arousal, orgasm and sexual satisfaction is an essential part of being a female human being. It is not a sign of mental disorder; it is not an indication of being morally corrupt or sacrilegious. It is a simply sign of being a woman and men should embrace and encourage this without question and both parties to enjoy the results.

So go for it girls, reclaim your sexual territory but remember to let the men enjoy being the intimate animals for a while. Given them some tenderness, caress, stroke and care for them and then in return, they will give you all you want in bundles (as long as you show them you want it).

Colin Richards www.massage33.com / www.intimacymatters.co.uk
If you have yet to watch the videos, you can view them at https://vimeo.com/95166258 and https://vimeo.com/94660900.

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Video courtesy of www.massage33.com
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June 15, 2014
“Shhh! There Are Children Present.”

A funny thing happened at yoga.

I’ve been taking Marcia (9) and Cindy (7) to yoga with me. I agree with author Peggy Orenstein that it’s a wonderful practice for young girls. My daughters seem to like it and the other participants seem to enjoy the youth factor and aren’t the least bit curmudgeonly… or so I thought.

Yesterday, the intention from the instructor was for fathers since this is Father’s Day weekend. She talked about fathers and their roles and the love of a father etc etc. I was in my own head at the time, but when we were warming up our spines in cat stretch pose she mused that the very first father cat knocked up the mother cat many years ago. An older woman admonished the instructor out loud that there were children present. The instructor was a bit confused, she must not have realized what she could have said in that moment that could have been offensive because she said “I’m sorry?” and the woman repeated “there are children present”. As it was, neither of my girls heard the instructor’s comment and now wanted me to tell them what just happened. I leaned over to Cindy and told her, “that woman didn’t want the instructor to say that the father cat knocked up the mother cat because you guys are here. Knocked up is another way to say got pregnant”. Cindy, now
in downward facing dog pose, just slowly shook her head in mild amusement. The instructor giggled after she saw me lean over to Cindy and asked incredulously, “Did you just tell her?!” Trying to regain the peace in the room quickly, I simply nodded yes.

This situation really amazed me. Such an innocent comment WHICH NEITHER CHILD HEARD prompted someone to pierce the peace and serenity of the group with such sex negativity. Even if they had heard the comment, my girls didn’t know what the term “knocked up” meant yet. It was an adult projecting their own sex-obsessed thinking onto what children should or shouldn’t know.

Just think how much work we would have to do every minute of every day if we worked to censor everything that has a sexual meaning or connotation. I can’t imagine that. I think it’s best to talk about it and make it all a non-issue. Sex is there. Everywhere. It’s present at the grocery store at the checkout aisle in the magazines. It’s on TV in the ads during the sporting events they watch with dad. It’s in the way teenagers dress (namely teenage girls) when we pass them on the way to school in the morning. Plus, what would be accomplished by censoring?

A wise colleague, Paul Johannides, who authored the book The Guide to Getting it On, recently wrote that sex education has evolved into sex prevention. As parents and adults who deal with children and their little persona’s and who want our children to grow up into sexually healthy adults, sex PREVENTION is not the route we should be going. Can anyone argue with that?

This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock.

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May 26, 2014
Sex and Cancer
When you or someone you love receives a cancer diagnosis, sex may be the furthest thing from your mind. Instead, you are probably thinking, “Holy shit … how did this happen?” and “What do I do now?!” Though eventually, you start craving a return to some sense of normalcy, including at least some sexy time. For some survivors, this happens almost immediately; for others, it takes a bit longer. Thanks to new forms of treatment, many survivors have the time since they are living longer and richer lives than ever before.

That being said, about half of survivors report having long-lasting sexual issues. Because sex involves both body and mind, these issues can be physical, mental, or emotional. They may bother only you or they may affect your relationship with a partner. Regardless, the end result is the same: you aren’t getting the sex and intimacy they crave and deserve.

In this two-part series, we’ll be exploring both the common sexual issues experienced by cancer survivors and what you can do about them. Because I believe good sex, however you define it, is everyone’s birthright! Consider this Part I to be the foreplay to an amazing and climactic Part II.

So what are these sexual issues? The most common ones are:
- Loss of or decreased sexual desire (libido)
- Pain with intercourse (dyspareunia)
- The inability to become aroused
- Difficulty reaching orgasm (climax)
Other side effects can change your sex life even if they aren’t sexual in nature. For example, tiredness (fatigue), swelling in your arms and legs (lymphedema), and bodily pain can make sex both difficult and uncomfortable. Heck, we all know that if you are tired enough, even the best sex can feel like a chore!

Then there are the physical changes. Maybe you’ve gained or lost weight (and hair), had a surgery, or sported an ostomy. These things might understandably make you feel a little uncomfortable or even embarrassed when naked. I’m going to talk a lot about self-love ßdouble entendre intended in Part II but for now let me say this: your beautiful body has gotten you through so damn much. If the only thing you can muster is gratitude for what s/he’s gone through, then focus on that for now and worry about boosting your body image later.

*back to our regularly scheduled programing*

I know these changes can feel totally overwhelming and un-sexy. Luckily, there are so many treatment options no matter what side effects you are experiencing. Being a cancer survivor does not have to mean the end of your (amazing) sex life.

Go ahead and repeat that a few times until it sinks in. Then tune in for our Part II.

Your Partner in Passion,
Kait

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May 22, 2014
You Are Your Child’s Main Sex Educator – Are You Doing Your Job?

Parents are the primary sex educators to their children. This is the case regardless of your choices as a parent. Even if you pointedly choose not to talk about sex and sexuality, your choice is sending clear and persistent messages to your child.

Some parents secretly hope that everything will take care of itself in time. They figure that we all managed to make it somehow, with or without the intervention of our awkward parents, and thus so will their kids. Sometimes this is a conscious decision (“we don’t talk about things like that in my family”), but most of the time, it’s avoidance by default. Given the sensitive nature of the topic and the uncertainty around good parenting practices regarding sexuality, this is more than understandable.

It’s possible that a child finds their way to self-acceptance, accurate knowledge, confidence, guilt-free pleasure, respect for others, and a sense of responsibility all by themselves. Actually, the chances of this would be good if the world was neutral about sex and sexuality, and children were free to develop and explore by their innate curiosities and motivations. But, this is nothing like the world we live in. Our world is full of messages about sex, many of them driven by consumerist interests (“sex sells”), many of them exploitative, hurtful, and profane, and many of them debase and distort the truth. More and more, these messages are directed at children. And even the ones that are meant for adults are saturating children constantly. Thus, if it’s important to you that your child grows up sexually healthy, don’t leave it up to chance.

So, are you doing your job as a sex educator? Here is a basic job description.

1. Have Many Little Talks – and Listen. Forget the Big Talk – it’s an out-dated model and is perhaps the biggest mistake that parents can make. The classic Big Talk involves giving a lot of information all at once (usually about how babies are made, and cautions about some combination of boys, girls, pregnancy, diseases, dating, love, and relationships).

Why is it so bad? It loads up the conversation with a sense that sexuality is terrifying and awful, and more often than not the parent’s own anxieties and discomforts speak louder than anything they’re saying. The messages that the Big Talk (and otherwise silence) give are: I dread this topic. I’m just doing this to get it over with. Don’t come to me with your problems or questions. (And yes, the message is still “don’t talk to me” even if you emphatically say “talk to me any time!” during your Big Talk).

Instead, have multiple, little talks. Integrate information as well as your values into everyday conversations – what sex educators call “teachable moments”. See someone pregnant on the street? Talk to your 8 year-old about babies. Find out what they know, think, and feel. On your way to a family wedding? Ask your 5 year-old about love and relationships; share your own stories. School dance coming up? Ask your 14 year-old whether their peers are dating, what is normal for their friend groups, say what your feelings and limits for them are.

Keep conversations light. While you ought to share and teach your values, don’t use Little Talks only as opportunities to reprimand or interrogate. Their purpose is to create a two-way flow of information, which means that you should be listening as much as you’re talking. When the time comes to have a difficult conversation (if it ever does), you will have made it easier and safer for your child to share.

2. Use the Correct Words. By this I mean the scientific words – like vulva, penis, masturbation, etc. This is a simple way of communicating openness, and minimizing the cultural biases of certain words and ideas. It may feel stilted at first, if this is not your usual practice. But a bit of initial awkwardness will save you from the even more awkward silence when baby words no longer seem appropriate and a transition is necessary. It also, as research repeatedly shows, empowers young people about their bodies. Taking shame away from their words will take shame away from their private parts, and make it that much easier for them to say “do not touch me”, “I don’t like it”, or “back off” when it counts.

3. Nurture Wonder and Curiosity. Aside from giving facts and sharing values about sex and sexuality, don’t forget to also talk about things that are wondrous and fun for children to know. For example: humans are mammals and reproduce like cats, chimpanzees, pandas, and otters; the egg (ovum) is the largest human cell, and the sperm is the smallest; falling in love creates real, biological changes in the brain; some animals couple for life and others don’t; many species of animals have more than two genders. These bits of information don’t have to be sex-specific. In fact, it is better if they are mixed in with non-sexual things. After all, the purpose is to create a sense of wonder about the natural world, including the human body and human relationships. The more integrated sex and sexuality information is, the more it actually reflects reality and deconstructs taboo and shame.

4. Learn and Unlearn. Accurate and positive information about sex and sexuality is hard to come by, and most of us have been fed a lot of misinformation about sex and sexuality. As someone else’s sex educator, your skills need constant upgrading. Read articles, have conversations, ask questions, and do your research. Particularly, if a topic strikes fear into your heart, or especially angers you, look into it. There’s nothing that shuts down conversation more than an incensed parent who is themselves shut down and not listening.

This also means that you may have to do some soul-searching and making peace with your past. So often, the things that parents are most fearful about come from their own negative experiences. While it’s important to pass on the wisdom you’ve earned from your own mistakes, it’s not fair to unload disproportionate amounts of fear, guilt, or shame onto your children. Be accountable for your own “stuff” – unlearn what is not accurate or realistic, so you can make room for new learning.

5. Evolve – the Meaning of Things Change. Sexuality, like much of human relations and psychosocial existence, is cultural. To name a few examples: the meaning of holding hands has changed over time; the acceptability of nudity varies family to family, culture to culture; the gravity of divorce and break-ups continues to evolve worldwide; and the appropriateness of asking someone out via texting and SMS depends largely on age group. Which is to say, there is no inherent meaning in any one event, activity, or bodily condition. They mean what we make them mean.

For parents, this is important to know because the world you grew up in is not the world today. Add to that experiences of migration and rapid globalization, and you can guarantee that you and your child will understand some things very differently. Among these could be: dating, sexual experience, same sex relationships, virginity, marriage, co-habitation, tattoos, revealing clothing, sexually suggestive dancing, abortion, talking about sex, having a doctor who is a of different sex, swearing and foul language, drinking, recreational drugs, religious practice, parenthood, and an endless more.

If you aspire to be a parent who is both principled and realistic, both an anchor and a sounding board to your child, then you must find a balance between your world of meaning and theirs. Before you bar your 4 year-old from touching their genitals, your 17 year-old from getting a tattoo, or your 13 year-old from showing her bra strap through her off-the-shoulder top, consider what your underlying values and motivations are, and what decisions and actions they translate to today. If what you want is to teach privacy and good manners, it might be better to say, “that’s something you do in private, in your room”, instead of shaming a youngster from self-pleasure (which is perfectly healthy). If what you want is for your child to belong and to be well-received, it may be that the tattoo he gets is on a body part not usually revealed in office wear. If you want to affirm self-respect and safety, it may be that you de-emphasize the importance of a daughter’s physical appearance (including comments about her weight and body), emphasize her other strengths, and bolster her abilities to set boundaries and entitlement to bodily autonomy.

No parent is perfect, and you don’t need to be a perfect parent to set the stage for your child’s self-acceptance, confidence, and positive attitude. What’s for sure, though, is that it won’t happen by accident. There are countless things that demand your patience, effort, and courage as a parent, and your child’s sex education is one of the most important ones. Your peace of mind, and their social, psychological, and physical well-being, will be well worth it.

April 6, 2014
Vaccinate your Teenager against Unwanted Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

With internet pornography and lack of healthy sexuality, a growing number of teens and young adults get most of their sex education from watching Pornography.

As a parent would you like your child to learn about sex from other teenagers?

Parents can now vaccinate their children against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease with information!

What makes this such a problem in Singapore is the generation gap between traditional views of sex on one side and the availability of pornography to teenagers on the other side.

Parents are not comfortable talking openly about sex with their children and by the time the kids turn into teenagers, they have gotten most of their information from other teenagers or internet porn and not from mom or dad.

“A survey was conducted in Singapore about the growing number of teenagers having unsafe sex. The survey stated that because of a lack of knowledge among young people it could lead to dangerous behaviour that puts them at risk of unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. The incidence of sexually transmitted infections among teens rose from 238 cases in 2002 to 787 last year.”

Parents need to learn how to talk to their children about sex when they are young, starting out with age appropriate materials done in a positive way. The biggest challenge that most parents have is their own embarrassment with talking about sex. One way to combat this embarrassment is to view it as knowledge that will vaccinate their children against unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases that could save their lives.

Knowledge is power, and the more positive information that children learn about their own bodies, then they are less curious about searching for information that can be damaging or dangerous leading to unsafe sex. Not talking about healthy sexuality or shaming a child for talking about sex is the most dangerous message that a parent can give to their child and teenagers!

The process starts when a child is younger and curious about their own bodies, a parents’ feedback is crucial. Never put negative connotations on a child’s body, use correct terminology, and call a penis a penis or a vagina a vagina. When a parent sees a child touch themselves, don’t shame them, but understand that they don’t know the difference between scratching their arm or touching their penis/vagina. Telling them to stop or saying something negative is only going to shame them or make them feel bad about their body.

As children turn into teenagers, talk to them about sex, to respect their own bodies and if they have sexual urges to masturbate, it is the safest form of sex on the planet. Talk to them about contraception, sexually transmitted diseases. Explain to teenagers that touching, hugging and kissing can be fun, but that it does not have to lead to sex, and saying no is alright and if they say yes, to use a condom. Prepare them for war and give then the armour that they need to survive!

Parents have the belief that if they talk about sex with their kids, then they are telling them that it is alright to have it, and by not talking to them about it means they won’t have it…..WRONG!

With that belief, a parent has just sent his/her child out into the world naked, not prepared and will most likely end up being a victim of an early sexual encounter, learning about sex from other teens and porn. Those are the teens that have the highest incidence of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease!

Vaccinate your child with knowledge about healthy sexuality, the odds are that your child will not be among the odds but safe!

March 19, 2014
“A funny thing happened on the way to the Rec Center”…

As a mom, I occasionally read the posts in the forums of my local mom’s club. One struck me yesterday and I was moved to respond. Here is the question:

“Horrified by tween conversation–Warning TMI–what should I have done?

I was walking in to the front door of the gym at the community center with my 14-month old and right outside the door was a group of about 5 kids who looked 12ish. Without any regarding for me, my baby, or the other young children running around outside one of the girls (all nice looking kids) was saying very loudly, “I have not given any hand jobs.” Then one of the boys said. “Bull #$%&! I know you. You’ve sucked tons of C#%&s!” And they went on like that and were still doing so as I walked inside. I was so shocked and disturbed, I felt that I should say or do something, but didn’t. Should I have, and what, or am I just an old mom who should mind her own business?”

I think it’s a great question and is something that can happen to any of us regardless of geographic area. Here is my response to these mothers (edited from original form for flow and a small part in brackets added now):

I’m less concerned about the 14-month-old hearing language like that. This child has no context and it will go over his/her head.

It sounds to me like these kids were posturing for the adult’s benefit to some extent. Remember showing off for others at that age? They sound like they were using language (and volume) like that to shock more than anything else. It’s rather immature.

That being said, there is a definite shift these days to sexual behavior happening earlier and earlier. For as much as these girls are talking about the behaviors they perform on the boys my question is this: What are they getting out of it? In my opinion, all of the abstinence only before marriage sex education out there keeps sex impersonal and simply as reproductive biology. It is up to us as mothers to explain to our children the love and caring component of sex and sexuality. And that sexual behaviors have an effect on us emotionally as well as physically. Not to mention the STI risks.

Recall your youth carefully. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Do you recall the age you first experimented sexually… with yourself… with others? Lots of us have successfully blocked this stuff out of our memories. There is enough shame, guilt, and embarrassment around sex that we tend to cut ourselves off. [I know plenty of women who did not know enough about themselves and what they liked or wanted until they were well into their 30’s. Was this you too? Do you yet feel comfortable asking for what you want from your partner?]

We forget that sex is a natural human behavior because we automatically think it’s not for kids. It’s not for young children obviously, but when the average age for first intercourse is 16 and the average age of first marriage is 25, it may be a bit idealistic to assume teens are not “sexually active” until marriage. Were you active before you got married? This is where it is so important to be talking to our kids early and often about sex related topics, making sure to give honest and accurate information along with our own values about sex. Kids know where our buttons are, and if this topic is one for you, they are gonna push it – maybe even in public.

I realize at this point that I have not answered the initial question “Should I have [said something] and what, or am I just an old mom who should mind her own business?” If you feel that strongly to speak up by all means do so. Next time you hear this you could say something along the lines of… “If you have sucked tons of cocks, I sure hope you all are using condoms to protect yourselves.” It’s fear based (STI’s) which is an approach to sex ed that I’m not a fan of and I’m less likely to go there if I say anything. And worry less about saying the “bad words” because I’m sure these teens have heard them all and worse since probably 4th grade. They’re using them aren’t they? You’re not telling them anything they don’t already know.

I prefer a more sex positive, pleasure based response that will get that girl thinking about what she’s getting out of it (which as we know is nothing, amiright ladies? just kidding). I think I would walk past the girl and say indirectly, “If you have sucked tons of cocks, I sure hope you are getting some pleasure out of it too.” But that’s me and talking about this topic has become second hand. I’m sure that sounds shocking, and I’m guessing it’s because some of you are not comfortable with the idea of teens and sex and pleasure. (<–Could that be why you were so shocked and disturbed?). I do think this sort of response shocks them back when they hear you using “their” terminology and also shocks because you are acknowledging the fact that they are sexual beings and not treating them as “kids”. It’s also going to embarrass them a bit if they are “good kids”.

As far as going to the officials inside that will have limited effect in my opinion. They aren’t sex educators nor can they be expected to monitor the conversation of all teens in and around the facility.

This is very difficult stuff. I get that. I have two young daughters too. I want to do everything I can to raise my girls to be sexually healthy, happy adults and I think taking the sting out of these behaviors by talking about them in the context of a loving, committed relationship is, in my opinion, the best. And besides, I’d rather have my daughters have their first orgasm on their own and take responsibility for their own sexuality than expect it to come from someone else.

I think it is important to note: the LACK of information to your children about sex *is* still sending them a very powerful message. Especially when it’s not there to counteract all the misinformation out there readily available to them. Talk to them early and often using age appropriate accurate info and facts. Make sure to talk with them about your values as well. Most kids understand more than we are ever willing to give them credit for. Most kids do still look up to their parents despite how independent they want to be and I’m sure they will appreciate straight talk.

This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

February 21, 2014
Sexual education, is it being done the right way?

An article from the Today paper titled “Elderly should get sex education, too” caught my eye and it was quite an interesting read. There is a growing concern in the increase of sexually-transmitted infections (STI) among persons aged 50 and above. The top 3 common STIs in this age group were gonorrhoea, non-infectious syphilis, and genital herpes. Various reasons were mentioned for the increase in STIs. For men, it was the option of commercial sources of sex such as prostitution and less sex with their partners. For the women, a drop in condom usage as they got older.

What set me thinking was the point being made in the article that the experts consulted in the study highlighted the urgent need for education and campaigns to be implemented. Is our society lacking in this aspect of sexual education? Or are we just blindly rolling out campaigns and ads but not creating an engaging society because sex is still considered taboo?

Doing some further digging, I found statistics from the 2004 global sex survey done by Durex which stated that the average age a Singaporean youth loses his/her virginity is at the age of 19. 39% of Singaporean youths have unprotected sex, they have sex an average of 79 times a year and have 5.8 partners on average. Now 39% is a very high number, with almost one in two youths putting themselves at risk of STIs and unwanted pregnancies. There were other articles online on unprotected sex among youths and all I can say is that Singaporeans are having lots of sex, more than what is published or spoken, the key thing in educating them is to ensure that they are properly informed on the risks of unprotected sex and the ways they can protect themselves.

Seems like it’s all Singaporeans who need to be educated on safe sex and not just the elderly from the short research I have done. Let’s start by being more open to discussion about sex at all ages and remove the stigma that sex is something to be kept private. For instance, people should not be shy to be seen buying condoms or even owning one. Instead, they should be respected for being responsible not only for themselves but also to their partners by practicing safe sex.

The full article mentioned can be read in its entirety here: http://www.todayonline.com/singapore/elderly-should-get-sex-education-too

October 15, 2013