SimplySxy

Author: Lanae St.John

  • What To Do If Your Child Has Been Exposed To Porn

    What To Do If Your Child Has Been Exposed To Porn

    Q: Is there a video or other resource available to give age-appropriate information to children who have been prematurely exposed to it and why it is not a good thing to view porn?

    There is. I have written a book about that same subject and it is in the process of finding a publisher. I also have an online webinar that I am preparing. Meanwhile, I will share with you the main three points I advise parents to keep in mind in such situations:

    1. Breathe

    If your child has seen adult content, the first thing to do is BREATHE. Stay calm. Don’t do more harm by freaking out. Think of it this way: Just like when your toddler falls, it is best to stay cool. A toddler sometimes seeks out their parent to gauge how severe the fall was; they can register it from the look on your face or the pitch of your voice. You take it seriously, and by staying calm, your child is assured that you can handle the situation.

    Now is not the time to go into questions like “who showed you this” and “why did you do this” or “what were you thinking”. This will not help the child process what happened. You can deal with these questions later if you then still believe that it is important. Also, do not get hyper and have your voice go to the range that only dogs can hear. That is confusing and not helpful.

    1. Ask

    Ask your child what they felt and thought. Most likely your child was grossed out by what they saw. You can start by validating that – lots of the porn or adult content that is available is strange even to adults. Imagine if you are seeing it for the first time!

    If you do not know where to start, then the easiest thing to do is to ask your child what they already know. Often this includes some misconceptions you can simply correct (like “the man pees inside the woman”).

    You can also ask what they were looking for – sometimes children stumble on it unknowingly, other times they know exactly what they want to see. Maybe your child knows about sex already. Maybe they are older and are already starting to think about sex. Maybe they are considering to have sex for the first time. Asking allows you to respond at your child’s maturity level.

    1. Share

    It is crucial to communicate to your children of any age that searching the web (specifically searching for porn content) is NOT the best idea when looking for sex education. Porn is terrible sex education; it is not even real sex! Just like a romantic comedy, porn is someone else’s fantasy put on film. It is created for adults and does not portray sex in a realistic way.

    Another important item is to share that “there are things you can’t unsee.” You can relate to something they were scared or affected by and ask them if they wished they hadn’t been exposed to it in the first place (for me it was the movie “Alien”).

    Also, you can share that viewing porn is not good when you are not ready for it. A child does not know how to process it, especially when no one around will talk about sexuality. I’ve heard people use the excuse that generally telling kids about sex “breaches the firewall of innocence.” I argue that NOT telling a child about sex keeps them ignorant about a very basic human behavior, and this will lead to much confusion for the kid growing up and being exposed to other sexual behavior, imagery and concepts. There is a big difference between acknowledging and encouraging; I am only suggesting that you acknowledge sexuality.

    Make sure to follow up with real information about what sex is. Most parents look for age-appropriate information; the fact is all children are different. Even within the family, siblings can be vastly different in mental, emotional, and intellectual readiness for information about sexuality. Unless one knows your family history and background, relating specifics is tough. Information from books or sites will give a range of ages because there can be huge variance (e.g., first menstruation can be between ages 9 and 16 with an average of 12). I offer private coaching for parents to help relearn or reframe the information about sexuality that is useful and pertinent for your specific child.

    A Final Word

    Let me finish this post with a remark about the word “exposed”. There are worse things that kids are exposed to and some of these we do not think twice. Violence in cartoons for children comes to mind (e.g. Bugs Bunny and Road Runner). What does the depiction of violence do to our children long term, where characters repeatedly harm each other but suffer no real consequences? As a society we do not think about that very much. Yet, when it comes to sex and nudity we are petrified of perceived long-term consequences. Which one are you more likely to be exposed to again and again? Violence is more damaging in my mind than viewing (most) sex acts.

    Some of the adult content that is out there is scary and confusing and bizarre. The important point is to make porn viewing as much of a non-event as possible but also, enough of a lesson that children learn not to do it again. My bottom line is it is not the porn viewing that is ultimately so damaging – it is the reaction of the adults that can be problematic.

    If you want more information about private coaching, webinars, or my book when it becomes available, contact me at mamasutra@me.com

    Xxoo

    The MamaSutra

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
    Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

    Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock.
    Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy?  Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • A Lasting Impression

    A Lasting Impression

    I wanted to add something to the Core Erotic Theme (CET)/our children developing ideas around sex and sexuality while they are young topic.

    A male friend of mine and I were having a discussion about porn and erotic literature.  We just recently uncovered that something he used to do as a tween has had a profound impact on his adult sex life!  WOW.  Imagine that.  (said sarcastically. For those of you who are new to reading my blog and haven’t heard me rant about “talking to your kids early and often”, this is my mantra).

    The back-story here is when he was 12 he began to read Penthouse Forum magazines (he won’t reveal his source or exactly how he came in possession of the “literature”).  He would scan the articles and select one based on topic and length.  (Size queen?  Jk). He said articles that were too short weren’t worth unzipping his fly.  When he found one that was appealing, he would commence… do I really need to spell it out here??  ;)

    This friend was particularly aroused by the stories in Forum that contained what we are lovingly referring to as “the change up” – a typical non-sexual situation turning into something sexual.  You know, those instances where the housewife greets the pizza delivery boy and seduces him, or the handy man replacing a light bulb has his pants pulled down around his ankles while he is on the ladder. Those fantasies from his youth were arousing to him then and, until recently, he didn’t realize the lasting impact this had on his sex life.  Yet he packed it away into the recesses of his mind and started unpacking because of our open discussions about turn-ons and our basic Core Erotic Themes. So now he understands why, as an adult, he still enjoys fantasizing about the neighbor’s wife, being fondled while doing household chores, and for some inexplicable reason gets aroused whenever someone delivers a pizza.

    For parents of tweens:  Make sure you are communicating with your children about what they know or are experiencing.  Do not assume your children are not exploring their own bodies.  Here’s some news for you… the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine 2010 reports by age 14-15, 67.5% of boys had already masturbated in their lifetime, not to mention that 13% of them had already received oral sex from a female in their 14-15 year “lifetime”.   Correspondingly, for 14-15 year old girls, 43.3% had masturbated and 10.1% had received oral sex from a male in their lifetime.  What is not clear to me from the data is if the girls had masturbated to orgasm, or if they know what female orgasm is?

    The stuff your kids are doing and seeing NOW is having a lasting impact on their budding sexuality.  If you suppress it, repress it, or otherwise make sex shameful, it may have an adverse effect on how they express themselves sexually as adults.  If you talk about fantasy etc. now, they are more likely to have a healthier, sex-positive attitude when they are adults.

    I understand: this is tough stuff!  As a mother, I get nervous thinking of my own daughters engaging in sexual behavior at what seems to be a young age.  I want to make sure I keep their little life rafts moored to the mother ship so they always know they can come to me with questions and that I’ll do my best to answer them.  It’s ok to acknowledge your discomfort.  It’s ok to say you don’t know the answer but offer to research it together.  But please do NOT lie or make shit up.  It only pushes your children away from you.  If you lie to them and they find out the “real” answer, you will have proven to them that you don’t know what you are talking about.  Our kids already think they know-it-all, let them at least know the truth.

    For you parents, I want you to remember your own youth.  Remember how awkward and uncomfortable it was with all of those hormones and breast buds and first periods or cracking voices and facial hair and growing pains.  Did you go through all that alone?  Wouldn’t it have been better if a loving, caring adult in your life talked to you about it?  Ok, of course lots of you are going to cringe at the thought of your own uncool parent discussing sex but are you so uncool yourself?  I know plenty of adults who would rather have someone else have these conversations with their children for them but, really??  Don’t YOU want to stay informed and involved?

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
    Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

    Featured Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
    Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy?  Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • Self-Censorship in Sex Ed?

    Self-Censorship in Sex Ed?

    When my daughters were eight and ten years old, I tried to give them a lesson in old rock hits from when I was young—AC/DC, Journey, Van Halen, all the songs that were popular when I was their age.

    I never intended this to be a sex ed lesson, but as you’ve heard me say before, sex is everywhere—and sometimes it shows up when you least expect it especially when I called up a Pandora channel called AC/DC “TNT.”

    If you’re familiar with this music, you probably know where this is going. It started off innocently enough, with me just wanting to teach my kids about some of the “jams” of my youth… Well, I won’t go into the details of every song—“TNT” alone was hilarious with lyrics like, “lock up your daughter, lock up your wife. Lock up your back door and run for your life”— and “I’m a power load…watch me explode”… (Writing about the song “Big Balls” is a post on its own!) I feel a little weird just writing this! (I’m sure it has something to do with how I felt hearing this as a tween.) I nearly chickened out. I took a deep breath and explained to my kids that the lyrics had a double meaning of the guy being a loose cannon you don’t want to pick a fight with, but also, of course, representing ejaculation. My eight-year-old didn’t get it—she’ll get it soon enough—but my oldest had eyes as big as saucers. All she could say was “really?” Then, with what I detected to be a sign of exasperation, she muttered, “Boys are always talking about their penises.”

    Can someone tell me why “innocence”  and “naïveté” are so prized in children? Who are these inside jokes supposed to keep out… children? The Man? Why? What purpose does self-censorship have when it’s about something as silly as basic human functions? Sometimes, adults will tell me about situations that occurred when they were younger. Sex blogger Redhead Bedhead wrote a funny post about songs of the 80’s and the not-so-subtle sexual messages of 80’s music. The kicker was the time she sang “Push It” in school and got in trouble— never mind that similar music was played at talent shows and kindergarten graduations. Was her age the big factor? If it is, it’s confusing for children. I can’t think of an instance where self-censorship has resulted in a positive outcome. Ultimately when a child got into trouble for behavior that was previously ok and the rules changed without notice, it affected them in one-way or another.

    I know from experience that having these conversations can be awkward, but it’s not life or death. Nobody dies as a result of having been let in on a joke. It’s freeing to understand why something was acceptable then, and not acceptable later. If nothing else, the kids just get to understand reality better—and most of that reality is that adults really are (usually) fixated on sex.

     

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
    Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

    Featured Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
    Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy?  Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • What does eat me mean?

    What does eat me mean?

    Previously posted on Gasm.org

    Has this ever happened to you: you’re driving down the road and then someone cuts you off. Before you realize who is in the car with you, you mutter something under your breath at the other driver…. something you might not want your kids to hear?

    Just the other day I was driving on the freeway. Some rude guy sped up and honked at me when I was merging into his lane. I have a tendency to talk to the other drivers while I’m driving in my car. In this instance, when he honked at me, I sighed, “Come on dude, don’t honk at me. You saw me signal; Eat me.” My nine-year-old daughter was in the backseat of the car with me. After a beat, she asked “Mom, what does “eat me”

    Ah, those teachable moments…

    I had to pause for minute. Then I began to think aloud: “Well honey, I don’t really know. I can’t imagine “eat me” indicates anything sexual because it’s being said out of frustration or anger. ” This answer seemed to satisfy her curiosity but it left me thinking…

    I reflected on how much language around sex has anger or violence associated with it. For example: think of all the different euphemisms for intercourse: Nailing, banging, hitting it.  Masturbation: beating off, whacking the mole. Or even Frustration: fuck you, bite me, eat me.  All of those have a negative connotation to them.

    I’m not sure why people say “eat me”. I don’t know about you but I certainly wouldn’t want someone I was angry with or didn’t care for to perform cunnilingus on me. I would not want to force someone to do that either. For me, this seems to be another example of our failure to teach about how important PLEASURE is when talking about sex and sexuality. If it was clear to children, teens, and adults that pleasure is a goal when talking about the behaviors around sex, would we be so quick to talk about sex in terms of violence and/or anger?

    There is something else I’d like to point out here:  I didn’t know the answer to her question. I was not lying to my child to get out of giving her an answer to her question. I don’t know about you but I feel like I had a pretty good bullshit detector when I was a kid. I also want to point out that not knowing the answer was okay. My kids know that I am imperfect and human. As much as I might like to think I know it all, I am shown all too often that I don’t.

    Why does so much of the language around sex have to do with violence and aggression? What does “Eat Me” mean to you? If this has happened to you, how did YOU approach this with your kids?

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
    Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

    Featured Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
    Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy?  Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • A Lasting Impression

    A Lasting Impression

    I wanted to add something to the Core Erotic Theme (CET)/our children developing ideas around sex and sexuality while they are young topic.

    A male friend of mine and I were having a discussion about porn and erotic literature.  We just recently uncovered that something he used to do as a tween has had a profound impact on his adult sex life!  WOW.  Imagine that.  (said sarcastically. For those of you who are new to reading my blog and haven’t heard me rant about “talking to your kids early and often”, this is my mantra).

    The back-story here is when he was 12 he began to read Penthouse Forum magazines (he won’t reveal his source or exactly how he came in possession of the “literature”).  He would scan the articles and select one based on topic and length.  (Size queen?  Jk). He said articles that were too short weren’t worth unzipping his fly.  When he found one that was appealing, he would commence… do I really need to spell it out here??  😉

    This friend was particularly aroused by the stories in Forum that contained what we are lovingly referring to as “the change up” – a typical non-sexual situation turning into something sexual.  You know, those instances where the housewife greets the pizza delivery boy and seduces him, or the handy man replacing a light bulb has his pants pulled down around his ankles while he is on the ladder. Those fantasies from his youth were arousing to him then and, until recently, he didn’t realize the lasting impact this had on his sex life.  Yet he packed it away into the recesses of his mind and started unpacking because of our open discussions about turn-ons and our basic Core Erotic Themes. So now he understands why, as an adult, he still enjoys fantasizing about the neighbor’s wife, being fondled while doing household chores, and for some inexplicable reason gets aroused whenever someone delivers a pizza.

    For parents of tweens:  Make sure you are communicating with your children about what they know or are experiencing.  Do not assume your children are not exploring their own bodies.  Here’s some news for you… the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine 2010 reports by age 14-15, 67.5% of boys had already masturbated in their lifetime, not to mention that 13% of them had already received oral sex from a female in their 14-15 year “lifetime”.   Correspondingly, for 14-15 year old girls, 43.3% had masturbated and 10.1% had received oral sex from a male in their lifetime.  What is not clear to me from the data is if the girls had masturbated to orgasm, or if they know what female orgasm is?

    The stuff your kids are doing and seeing NOW is having a lasting impact on their budding sexuality.  If you suppress it, repress it, or otherwise make sex shameful, it may have an adverse effect on how they express themselves sexually as adults.  If you talk about fantasy etc. now, they are more likely to have a healthier, sex-positive attitude when they are adults.

    I understand: this is tough stuff!  As a mother, I get nervous thinking of my own daughters engaging in sexual behavior at what seems to be a young age.  I want to make sure I keep their little life rafts moored to the mother ship so they always know they can come to me with questions and that I’ll do my best to answer them.  It’s ok to acknowledge your discomfort.  It’s ok to say you don’t know the answer but offer to research it together.  But please do NOT lie or make shit up.  It only pushes your children away from you.  If you lie to them and they find out the “real” answer, you will have proven to them that you don’t know what you are talking about.  Our kids already think they know-it-all, let them at least know the truth.

    For you parents, I want you to remember your own youth.  Remember how awkward and uncomfortable it was with all of those hormones and breast buds and first periods or cracking voices and facial hair and growing pains.  Did you go through all that alone?  Wouldn’t it have been better if a loving, caring adult in your life talked to you about it?  Ok, of course lots of you are going to cringe at the thought of your own uncool parent discussing sex but are you so uncool yourself?  I know plenty of adults who would rather have someone else have these conversations with their children for them but, really??  Don’t YOU want to stay informed and involved?

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
    Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock.
    Join SimplySxy’s forum discussions now on Society
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  • Training Bras, Tweens, and Breasts … Oh My!

    Training Bras, Tweens, and Breasts … Oh My!

    I’ve noticed; my baby is growing up!

    Well, this is no surprise really.  I’ve known for a while.  Little things keep happening … she gets pretty crabby, teary, ecstatic around the same time of the month as I do, her skin seems to be changing, I have noticed little blemishes on her face.  You know, the usual.

    But the other day, Marcia was sitting down on the couch wearing a lightweight, shirred top.  I looked over at her and noticed that she was starting to push through the top!  I swear I did a double take.  I felt like I wanted to squeal inside.  Later, I pulled her aside and told her what I noticed.  She had the hugest grin on her face.  So we sat down to discuss breast development and a little more about puberty.

    We have talked about the potential ramifications of wearing a bra.  We talked a bit about the taunting and teasing about bras and breasts that could happen at school.  I told both girls that when I first got a training bra some boys used to snap the strap.  It irritated me but I never said anything to them about how much it upset me.

    I also told them about the time during my freshman year in high school, a popular boy (class president, quarterback for the JV Football team, and dreamboat.  I’ll call him “B”) made a comment to me about my cheerleading sweater.  Back in those days, the letter on the sweater was stiff as a board, HUGE, and despite my seemingly early development, those changes slowed and I was pretty flat chested in high school.  At times, this stupid letter was concave!  Well, B came up to me and asked if I had a book in my sweater.  I was devastated. I didn’t have a response.  I held onto that embarrassment for 20 years!  I told my daughters about running into him at our 20 year class reunion.  I confronted him and said, “B?  Do you remember the time you asked if I had a book in my sweater?”  He said with a bit of sassiness, “No, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I said something like that.” I said to him, “Well, I’m here to tell you … (I held each of my breasts in my hands) they’re real and they’re spectacular”.  The two guys standing there with him did a sort of a back-of-the-hand-to-their-mouths-“oh shiiii” response.  B was humbled.  I was vindicated.  At hearing this story, my daughters were rolling on the floor laughing.  “MOM!  Did you REALLY??”  Yes.  Yes I did.

    Anyway, back to the kids.  We talked some more and I finally asked Marcia if she would be more comfortable with a bra and she got SO excited!  I told her we would go bra shopping after school.  She was literally so excited that she could not sleep that night.  It was like Christmas Eve!

    So today she has 3 new training bras.  And she is over the moon!

    I delight in having these conversations with my daughters.  I feel like they bring us closer together every day.  I want to share my experiences with my girls.  I’m sure they appreciate hearing how I felt, how I reacted, how I wished I would have reacted instead.  These things are situations they may or may not be able to use in their little lives but if it gives them the chance to think through how it was for someone else and gain a shred of wisdom from my experiences, then it’s 100% worth it.

    Do you recall what it was like with your first bra?  How did you feel?

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
    Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock.
    Join SimplySxy’s forum discussions now on Society
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  • “Shhh! There Are Children Present.”

    “Shhh! There Are Children Present.”

    A funny thing happened at yoga.

    I’ve been taking Marcia (9) and Cindy (7) to yoga with me.  I agree with author Peggy Orenstein that it’s a wonderful practice for young girls.  My daughters seem to like it and the other participants seem to enjoy the youth factor and aren’t the least bit curmudgeonly… or so I thought.

    Yesterday, the intention from the instructor was for fathers since this is Father’s Day weekend.  She talked about fathers and their roles and the love of a father etc etc.  I was in my own head at the time, but when we were warming up our spines in cat stretch pose she mused that the very first father cat knocked up the mother cat many years ago.  An older woman admonished the instructor out loud that there were children present.  The instructor was a bit confused, she must not have realized what she could have said in that moment that could have been offensive because she said “I’m sorry?” and the woman repeated “there are children present”.  As it was, neither of my girls heard the instructor’s comment and now wanted me to tell them what just happened.  I leaned over to Cindy and told her, “that woman didn’t want the instructor to say that the father cat knocked up the mother cat because you guys are here. Knocked up is another way to say got pregnant”.  Cindy, now
    in downward facing dog pose, just slowly shook her head in mild amusement.  The instructor giggled after she saw me lean over to Cindy and asked incredulously, “Did you just tell her?!” Trying to regain the peace in the room quickly, I simply nodded yes.

    This situation really amazed me.  Such an innocent comment WHICH NEITHER CHILD HEARD prompted someone to pierce the peace and serenity of the group with such sex negativity.  Even if they had heard the comment, my girls didn’t know what the term “knocked up” meant yet.  It was an adult projecting their own sex-obsessed thinking onto what children should or shouldn’t know.

    Just think how much work we would have to do every minute of every day if we worked to censor everything that has a sexual meaning or connotation.  I can’t imagine that.  I think it’s best to talk about it and make it all a non-issue.  Sex is there.  Everywhere.  It’s present at the grocery store at the checkout aisle in the magazines.  It’s on TV in the ads during the sporting events they watch with dad.  It’s in the way teenagers dress (namely teenage girls) when we pass them on the way to school in the morning.  Plus, what would be accomplished by censoring?

    A wise colleague, Paul Johannides, who authored the book The Guide to Getting it On, recently wrote that sex education has evolved into sex prevention.  As parents and adults who deal with children and their little persona’s and who want our children to grow up into sexually healthy adults, sex PREVENTION is not the route we should be going. Can anyone argue with that?

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock.

    Do not miss another article on SimplySxy!  Follow us on Facebook and Twitter for our latest updates!

  • “A funny thing happened on the way to the Rec Center”…

    “A funny thing happened on the way to the Rec Center”…

    As a mom, I occasionally read the posts in the forums of my local mom’s club.  One struck me yesterday and I was moved to respond.  Here is the question:

    “Horrified by tween conversation–Warning TMI–what should I have done?

    I was walking in to the front door of the gym at the community center with my 14-month old and right outside the door was a group of about 5 kids who looked 12ish. Without any regarding for me, my baby, or the other young children running around outside one of the girls (all nice looking kids) was saying very loudly, “I have not given any hand jobs.” Then one of the boys said. “Bull #$%&! I know you. You’ve sucked tons of C#%&s!” And they went on like that and were still doing so as I walked inside. I was so shocked and disturbed, I felt that I should say or do something, but didn’t. Should I have, and what, or am I just an old mom who should mind her own business?”

    I think it’s a great question and is something that can happen to any of us regardless of geographic area.  Here is my response to these mothers  (edited from original form for flow and a small part in brackets added now):

    I’m less concerned about the 14-month-old hearing language like that. This child has no context and it will go over his/her head.

    It sounds to me like these kids were posturing for the adult’s benefit to some extent. Remember showing off for others at that age? They sound like they were using language (and volume) like that to shock more than anything else. It’s rather immature.

    That being said, there is a definite shift these days to sexual behavior happening earlier and earlier. For as much as these girls are talking about the behaviors they perform on the boys my question is this: What are they getting out of it? In my opinion, all of the abstinence only before marriage sex education out there keeps sex impersonal and simply as reproductive biology. It is up to us as mothers to explain to our children the love and caring component of sex and sexuality. And that sexual behaviors have an effect on us emotionally as well as physically. Not to mention the STI risks.

    Recall your youth carefully. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Do you recall the age you first experimented sexually… with yourself… with others? Lots of us have successfully blocked this stuff out of our memories. There is enough shame, guilt, and embarrassment around sex that we tend to cut ourselves off.  [I know plenty of women who did not know enough about themselves and what they liked or wanted until they were well into their 30’s.  Was this you too?  Do you yet feel comfortable asking for what you want from your partner?]

    We forget that sex is a natural human behavior because we automatically think it’s not for kids. It’s not for young children obviously, but when the average age for first intercourse is 16 and the average age of first marriage is 25, it may be a bit idealistic to assume teens are not “sexually active” until marriage. Were you active before you got married? This is where it is so important to be talking to our kids early and often about sex related topics, making sure to give honest and accurate information along with our own values about sex. Kids know where our buttons are, and if this topic is one for you, they are gonna push it – maybe even in public.

    I realize at this point that I have not answered the initial question “Should I have [said something] and what, or am I just an old mom who should mind her own business?”  If you feel that strongly to speak up by all means do so.  Next time you hear this you could say something along the lines of… “If you have sucked tons of cocks, I sure hope you all are using condoms to protect yourselves.”  It’s fear based (STI’s) which is an approach to sex ed that I’m not a fan of and I’m less likely to go there if I say anything. And worry less about saying the “bad words” because I’m sure these teens have heard them all and worse since probably 4th grade. They’re using them aren’t they? You’re not telling them anything they don’t already know.

    I prefer a more sex positive, pleasure based response that will get that girl thinking about what she’s getting out of it (which as we know is nothing, amiright ladies? just kidding).  I think I would walk past the girl and say indirectly, “If you have sucked tons of cocks, I sure hope you are getting some pleasure out of it too.” But that’s me and talking about this topic has become second hand.  I’m sure that sounds shocking, and I’m guessing it’s because some of you are not comfortable with the idea of teens and sex and pleasure. (<–Could that be why you were so shocked and disturbed?).  I do think this sort of response shocks them back when they hear you using “their” terminology and also shocks because you are acknowledging the fact that they are sexual beings and not treating them as “kids”.  It’s also going to embarrass them a bit if they are “good kids”.

    As far as going to the officials inside that will have limited effect in my opinion.  They aren’t sex educators nor can they be expected to monitor the conversation of all teens in and around the facility.

    This is very difficult stuff. I get that. I have two young daughters too. I want to do everything I can to raise my girls to be sexually healthy, happy adults and I think taking the sting out of these behaviors by talking about them in the context of a loving, committed relationship is, in my opinion, the best. And besides, I’d rather have my daughters have their first orgasm on their own and take responsibility for their own sexuality than expect it to come from someone else.

    I think it is important to note:  the LACK of information to your children about sex *is* still sending them a very powerful message. Especially when it’s not there to counteract all the misinformation out there readily available to them.  Talk to them early and often using age appropriate accurate info and facts.  Make sure to talk with them about your values as well.  Most kids understand more than we are ever willing to give them credit for.  Most kids do still look up to their parents despite how independent they want to be and I’m sure they will appreciate straight talk.

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

  • Dating, Love, and Sex – A Triple Threat For Most Parents

    Dating, Love, and Sex – A Triple Threat For Most Parents

    Marcia, who is now in fourth grade, has a crush on a kid in her class!  And so it begins…

    If you are a parent, I’m sure you get more than a little nervous thinking about your children growing up and starting to date and falling in love.  If you are like me, you probably also get nervous thinking about these kids one day having sex.  I know this is inevitable.  I cannot stop my children from doing or experiencing anything.  And, really, neither can you.  What you and I CAN do is inform ourselves; educate ourselves so we don’t deprive our children of information they need to make critical decisions of their own.

    There are plenty of varying attitudes on this topic.  Plenty of people, some dads I know too, voice the “Not on MY watch” mindset.  Others share a “Be good.  If you can’t be good, be careful.  If you can’t be careful, don’t name it after me.” philosophy.  Yet most people, upon deeper discussion, recognize both of these attitudes are not helpful to their child.  Children need to hear real information: aka The Truth.  I also think it is critical to share your own values around dating, sex, and love.  For example, Let’s say you are the mother of a daughter and you think girls should not call boys.  This could be a source for future conflict if you take a hard line.  Perhaps she needs to call a boy classmate to get clarity on a class assignment.  How will you react?  Would that be okay?  Will it cause a fight?  Perhaps you could agree that this would be ok but that you would prefer to leave it up to the boy to ask her out.  Make sure you tell her that some people might do things differently but this is what you value.  The other approach doesn’t make it wrong, just different.

    Most parents, not surprisingly, wish to protect their children from the potential pain, shame, hurt, embarrassment, etc, etc of dating and love.  We all know the depiction of an over protective father holding a shotgun, threatening any date who dares to try the sexual things he himself did when he was younger.  Let’s think about this model:  Is this the right message?  How will our daughters perceive it?  Will our daughters be humiliated with embarrassment?  Angered by the lack of trust?  Would it send fear into the boy so he keeps his hands to himself or would it inspire the daughter to be rebellious?  Perhaps we experienced these things as young people — think back to when you and your peers were young: Chances are you or some of your classmates were already doing sexual things at a young age; would you would freak out if your kids were doing those same things?  Have you started hyperventilating yet?

    As an educator, I want to make sure I give my kids information about sexually transmitted Infections (STIs) and pregnancy prevention but I also want to be Sex Positive.  Let me back up and offer a definition.  For those of you who do not know what Sex Positive is, it’s “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation”.  The first part of this is what I wish to address now.  The second part is what we will address later – over time naturally as they get older and as the topic comes up and as the teens age.  There is already enough out there that is sex negative and scary.  I don’t want sex to be scary to my children because I know it can be enjoyable. Most sex education programs teach simply reproductive biology, and STI/Pregnancy prevention.  I also want to make sure my kids learn stuff related to sex and sexuality that is NOT taught in a traditional Abstinence Only Before Marriage Sex Education program.  If these are not taught in schools, then where do our kids learn these important things?

    In Europe, they tie sex to love and statistics show it is a WHOLE lot more effective than the abstinence only before marriage sex education programs here in America. Recently Slate.com, published a slide show with some interesting data:

    The first time they had sex, 64 percent of Dutch teens used birth control, compared with only 26 percent of American teens. Most of the time, the Dutch teens used pills.  Think about it for a minute: The majority of Dutch teens are making an appointment, going to a clinic, getting a prescription filled and starting birth control before they have sex.  Meanwhile, in the United States, the average time between first having sex and first making a family-planning visit is almost two years.  Here, 70 percent of school-based health clinics are forbidden from providing condoms or other birth control, even as 80 percent of them are busy diagnosing STDs and pregnancy.

    In addition, almost half of the Dutch kids used both condoms for STD protection and the pill or another like method for birth control. This even has a nickname: “Double Dutch!” Only 17 percent of American kids protected themselves this way.

    As a parent, I want to tie sex and pleasure together.  I’ve recently blogged about sex and love and how that is a bit of a set up for girls to “give it up” when they think they are in love or that their partner is in love with them.  Either way, there has to be talk about pleasure and love.  If you keep it clinical and don’t acknowledge the nuances, you are missing an incredible opportunity to connect with your child.  They need to know your honest experiences so they can understand where you are coming from.  And so they can avoid your mistakes as well.  It’s a way of imparting knowledge, which, combined with their own experiences, will help them gain wisdom.

    I’ve also blogged about dating as a single mother.  I am hoping my experiences are helping my daughters develop healthy views on dating and love.  I am hoping to model positive behavior to them, including learning from when and if I stumble.  If that happens and I can make it age appropriate, I will sit down with them to go through a post-mortem of sorts.  I’ve been doing this and as a result of this open dialogue, we are strengthening the protective feelings for one another. Once not too long ago, Marcia said to me, “Mom, if he doesn’t see that you are a good person, then he doesn’t deserve to be with you.” Aaaaand she’s 9 years old.  I was absolutely blown away by that statement and have tried to encourage her to remember that for when she gets older. I think we all have a unique perspective to offer to our children.  For those of you who are married (or in a steady, committed relationship) you have a wonderful opportunity to model loving, affectionate, caring, communicative relationships.  I believe very strongly that children learn what they live.  Let’s help them live in happiness and love.

    We are all trying to protect our children; That is our job as parents.  Your approach may be entirely different and that’s ok.  But ultimately this is about communication and providing our children with as much truthful information about dating, love, and sex as possible.  For you parents of older kids, would you be willing to share any successes and failures you and your kids experienced?

    Copyright © 2011 The MamaSutra

  • PDA – Parental Displays of Affection

    PDA – Parental Displays of Affection

    Once people become parents, a lot of us generally don’t allow ourselves to be sexual beings anymore.  Why is that?

    When we were young and as we grew up, some of us desexualized our own parents (and sometimes our siblings as well).  That is, we removed all aspects of thinking of them as being or doing anything sexual.  There is lots of input in this society from peers, movies & media that older people and sex is “gross.”  This includes parents too.  Recently, there was a Modern Family episode where the kids walked in on their parents “doing it”. The parents stayed in their room and agonized over how best to explain what they were doing.  The kids were worried sick about the talk that would ensue.  Eventually, these kids realized on their own that seeing their parents in this situation was better than any alternative including fighting and divorce.

    Modern Family “Caught in the Act”

    We may have had a hard time thinking about our parents as sexual beings.  And then, when we became parents ourselves, we avoided trying to reconcile this discrepancy.  Many women’s attitudes or behavior toward sexuality shifts after childbirth.  Lots of women complain about their post-baby bodies.  Pregnancy is a bear on our bodies so it’s not hard to understand this feeling.  Many women start wearing t-shirts or sweats to bed.  Some husbands wish – mostly in silence – that the woman they fell in love with would dress in something a little more attractive, like the sexy lingerie, nighties or naked like they did B.C. (Before Children).  I have friends who, in wishing to spice things up again, went out and bought a comfortable yet sexy nightie, something not too over the top but yet sexy enough, for themselves and reported feeling more desirable.  That’s totally an unofficial study and hardly a valid sample but I can understand completely. Dressing in sexy clothing can make one feel sexy. If you want to try sleeping naked again while the kids are still young, go to bed naked.  Kids don’t know naked as good or bad or shameful until an adult scrambles to cover themselves up or slams a door in their face. If you notice, your children probably don’t have any shame about their little bodies and are rather proud of them.  This may have been a source of embarrassment for you.  It is this way typically until an adult tells them to keep themselves covered up. Mothers, think of your post-baby body this way: your partner isn’t seeing the flaws you sense in your own body.  They are simply thinking that they won the flipping lottery to be there with you naked!  Celebrate it!

    Some men have a hard time seeing their wives as sexual after childbirth.  Freud described what’s known as The Madonna/Whore Complex.  Roughly, the thought is that once a man’s female partner becomes a mother – this person with whom he has had tons of great, pre-family forming behaviour sex – he no longer can see her as the dirty girl of his earlier fantasies.  A mother is nurturing.  His mother was perhaps nurturing and he certainly didn’t think of HER as sexual (see above).  Now, the woman he used to ravage is a mother … reminds him of his feelings toward his mother… nope can’t do it.  Another factor could be whether or not the father witnessed the childbirth from behind the curtain in the Catcher’s position.  Most guys are ok with all of this, but a few guys may be unable to remove the image of the blood, placenta, etc, from their minds and as a result, they perhaps become hesitant to see them as “sexy parts” anymore.  Instead these guys think of them as functioning parts and lose their exclusivity as a playground. Either way, before children, chances are they were sexually active, enjoyed sex, and wanted to have it with their partner(s) often. Before you act on something outside the marriage (unless you have a spoken and/or agreed upon arrangement with your spouse), the best case here is to talk to a sex positive therapist about this.

    The fallout of Abstinence Only Before Marriage Sex-Education is that children are not learning about love or pleasure as a component of sex. Pleasure is an important aspect to learn about sexuality because it doesn’t set the child up for potentially self-sacrificing behaviour.  Since kids aren’t getting this instruction in school, parents can model this lesson for their children. I’ve written a few posts (here and here) in which I explain why I feel tying sex and love and pleasure together is important when teaching kids so I won’t bore you by repeating myself here.

    I want to tell you it’s ok for your kids to see you as parents who are in love with each other.  A child doesn’t know shame around affection until s/he sees other adults model that behaviour.  Picture this scenario: everyone is in the kitchen, one parent lovingly squeezes the others butt, and the squeezee shrieks, swats at the spouse, and says “not in front of the children!!”  Those love pats and small signs of physical affection are not a bad thing at all.  Imagine now, the same scenario, and instead of swatting at the squeezer, the squeezee turns around and plants a big wet kiss on him/her.  There’s the Element of Surprise for all involved and the kids might smile at the playfulness of it all.  Try the “Aunt Jemima Treatment” on your spouse.  Being a little silly might turn you and your spouse on. Of course if your kids are in elementary school or junior high, you might get an, “Ewww” but who cares?  That’s how some of these little beings came into this world in the first place, no?

    It’s ok for us as parents to show each other love and affection in front of our children.  Do so early and often so as to normalize the behaviour.  Talk to them about it too!  They will get used to seeing you together.  It’s healthy for them to associate love and sexual feelings modelled in a healthy adult relationship.  Being a parent and a sexual being, these two things are not mutually exclusive.

    xxoo

    2011 The MamaSutra

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.