Which position is more comfortable for myself to try deep-throating? Lying on my back or being in front of him?
This is a really interesting question for which I don’t have a concrete answer. I’ve always found with deep-throating it’s more about the ‘angle of the dangle’. My position and level of comfort as a giver is generally dependent on any natural curve or tilt of the cock I am engaged with. The size of the dick itself (both length and girth) also has much to do with the comfort levels. It’s also very much dependent on your own gag reflex and how much control you wish to exercise over it.
If you haven’t tried deep throat before, it’s a good idea to explore your gag reflex with your fingers, or even a dildo. Primarily, you can begin to find the points that trigger your gag, and possible positions that decrease or increase the effect. Be sure to try positions that allow your neck to stretch; a stretched neck can be really helpful in creating a more open throat. Once you’re comfortable with initiating a gag reflex, you can learn some control. I find focusing on breathing helps a lot. The gag reflex is a panic reflex set up by our subconscious – breathing deep, down to the diaphragm, will instantly subdue the reflex. It’s unlikely to stop altogether, but it can give you enough reprieve to exhale and take another slow, deep breath. This is a really amazing exercise in controlling your body – mind over matter. You’ll find it won’t take long to start de-sensitising your gag, and that in itself will give you a fairly good confidence boost.
When you do try this with your boyfriend, be sure to allow it to happen at your pace, and try not to rush. The main thing to consider is the best way to line the entry of your throat up with the line his cock takes as it slides into your mouth. If he’s on his back, you can try sitting on folded knees, facing his feet, and leaning over his cock. This often makes a fairly natural fit. You can also lie on your back with your head tilted slightly over the end of the bed, and ask your partner to try a couple of entry points.
When exploring any new sexual encounter it’s really important to make it fun. When we play and explore without expectations or pressure, we often discover abilities we didn’t know we possess. Make this a a playful game of oral fun, and you’ll find the position that’s right for you.
MisKnickers is a Melbourne-based writer and educator with over twenty years professional experience. As someone who loves variety (identifying as a gender-fluid, pansexual, switch!) MisK’s passions are always changing, but her strong sense of justice keeps her committed to the sex-positive movement and striving for sexual and gender equality. Read the rest of her profile below and follow her on Facebook and Twitter!
I’d like to try and get my partner to consider anal rimming, but how can I convince her and make it sound less terrifying?
Before you ask your partner to consider anything, there are some things for you to consider. There is still quite a bit of taboo surrounding analingus or anal-oral sex, particularly in the heterosexual community. It’s true that anal sex is increasingly seen as a sexual option by heterosexual couples, and has very much made it’s way into mainstream sexuality – the anus is absolutely a sexual organ for everyone. Much of the ‘ickiness’ we get from butt play is socially and culturally ingrained, and some people find this easier to overcome than others.
There are several things you can do to make rimming more appealing to your partner.
Groom your arse:
This is will make things aesthetically ‘less terrifying’, and help keep you clean. I won’t paint a picture of how bad things could be, but people generally prefer not to fight through a stinky arse-bush with only their tongue just to smooch a dirty pucker-hole. The first step to a potential ass-eating is accessibility, so make sure that arse is waxed or shaved.
Consider your hygiene:
Prior to the potential arseplay, be sure to shower, and clean your arsehole with a mild soap. If you’re only engaging in non-penetrative play you can simply use as finger to gently stretch and rinse around and just inside your hole. If you have ideas for penetration, it’s nice to empty your bowels as much as possible prior to play, as this is when the lower colon is at it’s cleanest. Anal douching (enemas) can also be a great tool for cleansing – they’re relatively inexpensive and absolutely add an air of confidence to the cleanliness.
Protected Sex:
Rimming is sex. Unless you are a fluid-bonded couple (one that shares semen, vaginal fluids or blood) it is always best practice to use protection. For analingus, dental dams are the official recommendation of almost every safe-sex advocate, but unlike condoms, dental dams can be difficult to find; they’re also ridiculously overpriced. In a pinch, you can DIY a dental dam two ways: by cutting a length-wise slit in a condom, and opening it out into a rectangle; or cutting out the palm from a disposable latex glove. Disposable gloves are good to have on hand for any anal play – they aid in protection, fun, and easy clean-up.
Start slow:
Rather than asking your partner to actually put her mouth on your arsehole, suggest she use her breath to caress it. Help her out by using your own finger to touch yourself, and show her that YOU’RE not afraid of your own body. Work together on some pleasurable sensations, and let her see your enjoyment. Allow her the time to explore this new experience at her own pace, while enjoying it for what it is.
Let her begin with her lips on your thighs or buttcrack, and try not to be thrusting too eager an arse at her. You will need to be prepared to exercise patience, and even some understanding if things don’t go as you’d like.
Talk:
Listen to her worries and/or fears. Do what you can to address them. Discuss your sensual and sexual desires openly, and find out exactly what she is comfortable with. Ask about her sexual desires, and find out where you mesh. Show her this article.
Do keep in mind everyone has their limits. For some people, analingus will just never be something they want to explore, and finding ways to ‘convince’ them to try it is not advisable. Find opportunities to negotiate – if analingus is a hard limit, perhaps there are other forms of anal play you can both find mutually satisfying.
MisKnickers is a Melbourne-based writer and educator with over twenty years professional experience. As someone who loves variety (identifying as a gender-fluid, pansexual, switch!) MisK’s passions are always changing, but her strong sense of justice keeps her committed to the sex-positive movement and striving for sexual and gender equality. Read the rest of her profile below and follow her on Facebook and Twitter!
In my experience, lots of people are interested in some kind of kink, to varying degrees—the giving or receiving of bondage, physical pain, role-play, dress-ups, dominance and/or submission; the list is pretty much endless. Socially we’ve shifted a bit in the last couple of years. Since we’ve had a best-selling book and a feature film portraying a version of BDSM, there has been much more conversation around the topic and some of the myths surrounding a kink lifestyle have been challenged by those who live it. People are starting to accept that BDSM is not abuse (and if it is, it’s not BDSM), and beginning to come to terms that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with wanting to be tied up, or have their arse spanked; there’s nothing ‘ill’ about wanting to tie someone up or spank an arse. It’s also been several years since paraphilia—’unusual sexual fixations’ has been listed in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Psychiatrically, fetishes are only considered a problem if someone is hurt in the process. The taboos are dropping and people are feeling the freedom to explore. And so, where do you start? Below are a few avenues that the adventurous can explore the ‘kink’ social life.
Munches
Munches are social gatherings for kinksters in non-kink environments. Groups meet for lunches and dinners and offer an opportunity to meet like-minded people in a public, purely social situation. It’s always a good idea to get in touch with the event organiser prior to the event, to introduce yourself and to connect. This will ensure you ‘know’ at least one person when you attend the event and Munch organisers will generally be available to introduce newcomers around. To find munches near you, you can try a simple google search. If it’s proving hard to find, I’d recommend trying FetLife.
FetLife
This is the equivalent of the Facebook of the BDSM and kink community: a place to connect with others, and find out about events and goings on in the world of kink. To access FetLife you must create a profile (this is entirely free). Upon signing up, you have access to a bunch of information all on one site; there are discussion groups on pretty much every kink imaginable (and if you find a gap, start a group!). In addition, many of the smaller kink events, like Munches, are only promoted via FetLife. You can use the site as a great opportunity to begin some networking within the community, be it whether you are looking for individuals who share your location, fetish, or level of experience. While the site itself isn’t the easiest to navigate, you can cut back on a little frustration if you take some time to look around and get used to the way it works before delving into the activities.
Workshops and Skillshares
These are not only a great way to pick up some new skills, but also a brilliant way to connect with others. Once you start looking, you will find a bunch of people offering an array of classes, although it can be quite overwhelming when you’re unsure of your own level of commitment. As a starting place you can search for sessions like ‘Kink 101’, ‘Kink For Beginners’, or ‘Introduction to BDSM’. Generally, these types of classes are aimed at the curious or those who are unsure about their area of interest. As such, you should be able to get a good idea of whether this is something you’d like to continue after one of these sessions. As a newcomer to this scene, it’s always recommended to sign up for classes with an established educational group or trusted kink educator. Personally, I’ve worked in a couple of amazing establishments that not only offer an array of classes from experienced and vetted facilitators, but a wonderfully welcoming environment to newcomers.
In the US, there is the Foundation For Sex Positive Culture. Based in Seattle, the Foundation offers education via its library, skillshares/workshops and events. These are run by a bunch of individuals who are passionate about kink education, and would be a great point of contact for those based in the US wanting to find something local. Here in Melbourne, I’m currently connected to a fantastic facility called Splinter. Although the group itself has been running BDSM-based skillshares and workshops for many years, the focus on the educational aspect has increased exponentially after the facility moved to bigger premises early this year. It has also attracted some of Melbourne’s most respected kink-players as skill sharers and educators. They hold classes and set up support and discussion groups on a multitude of topics ranging from the theoretical—dealing with mental health in a kink world, working with polyamory in a dominance/submission (d/s) context, negotiation and informed consent; practical—rope play, fire play, sadism, predicament bondage, decorative bondage, foot pampering; and the philosophical. What these establishments have in common is the trust and respect of the community around them, and a real passion for wanting people to explore kink in a safe, sane and consensual way. It’s definitely worth investing the time in finding something similarly reputable.
Public BDSM/Kink Events
Most people are generally nervous about their first public kink event, particularly if they’re turning up alone. Will it be confronting? Will I fit in? What happens if it’s all too much? Get as much information as you can prior to the event to know what you’re getting into: Is sex allowed, and how does the venue define ‘sex’? Does it have a nightclub vibe or is it more like a private party? How many people usually attend? Look into the dress code and do your due diligence. As with Munches, it’s a great idea to get in touch with the event organiser prior to the event, and let them know you are a first-timer. It is also important to questions and raise your concerns so that the organisers can give some sort of idea of what to expect. Some kink and BDSM nights actually have mandatory introductory sessions for newcomers to be well-acquainted with the expected etiquette and rules in particular, not only pertaining to kink, but to that individual club. Furthermore, some clubs will invite newcomers on an Introductory Tour. You may also look into some places that run alcohol-free events. While it may seem odd for a club not to serve alcohol, but in my experience these have been the friendliest and most welcoming places that function more like social clubs where there’s no blaring music and strobe lights, but tea, coffee, couches, an inviting space to chat, and a bunch of BDSM equipment waiting to be explored. I was introduced a particular social version of the kink club in Colorado at the Denver Sanctuary, which totally blew my mind away as it was absolutely warm and inviting. I am truly pleased to be able to continue indulging in this atmosphere back here in Melbourne, thanks again to Splinter which now runs PlaySpace—an newcomer-friendly event that takes in a homely dungeon twice a month (PlaySpace).
Expos/Festivals/Annual Events
Do keep a look out for these as you can probably gather a lot of information all in these events. Most major cities hold rendezvous that celebrates some sort of kink/BDSM and your best way of finding out the when and the where is to via the good old internet. As mentioned earlier, Fetlife and even Facebook groups are good for staying informed. Right now, among the top of the list on a Google search for ‘kink festivals’ is OzKinkFest. Known as Australia’s biggest kink festival, OzKinkFest is a 10-day extravaganza of munches, exhibitions, workshops, events and a one-day Fetish Expo comprising market stalls from over 40 vendors, a fashion parade, performances and demonstrations.
And for those in Melbourne, its time to turn the heat up! OzKinkFest begins this weekend, kicking off with the Fetish Expo at Fitzroy Town Hall, on the Saturday from 12pm to 7pm. Tickets are for sale at $15. As these annual events are community celebrations, first-timers need to be aware and prepared to see some people in their kinky best. There’ll be all manner of corsets, rubber and leather … probably some pasties, and more than likely a few pair of chaps. Add that to the bunch of smiling faces, exciting experiences and the chance for you to explore what the world has to offer!
Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!
At the moment the fastest growing audience for porn is women. This doesn’t come as much of a surprise when you consider they’re the biggest group to be excluded (as viewers), be it by societal taboos, film content, or physical accessibility. The internet changed all that; easy access (no more trips to the XXX Shoppe), more content than you could ever need, and a new idea of anonymity that allows many taboos to be dropped. Mainstream producers have tried to cash-in on this new audience, and have succeeded to varying degrees, but women are one of the biggest viewers of amateur porn, and male directors and producers trying to cater to what they’ve been told are female fantasies are often missing the point – the subject matter may be more appealing to women, but it’s still filmed via the masculine eye; the camera still looks to the places men see as important or engaging during sex.
Zahra Stardust
So if you’re sick of the same old formulaic porn, or just never got into the whole ‘slam, bam, thank-you ma’am’ thing, listen up. There’s a whole new wave of porn being made by women FOR women, and Australia is leading the charge. As a population, Australia is small. As a porn ‘industry’ we’re even smaller, thanks to many a Draconian law and the fact you must shoot in the ACT to avoid most illegalities. But here’s the thing: in recent years several of our filmmakers have won coveted awards at porn and erotica festivals the world over. We have huge amounts of talent within our tiny pool. Australia had an astounding representation at this year’s Feminist Porn Awards (FPA), with nominations in more than half the categories, and several winners. Gala Vanting won ‘Hottest Kink Film’; Ms Naughty and Blake took out ‘Best BDSM Scene’; Morgana Muses starred as ‘Heartthrob of the Year’. Zahra Stardust received an Honourable Mention; and Bright Desire was one of three websites to get an Honoured Mention for ‘adult website’, quite a feat considering how many are out there.
I was lucky enough to speak with Ms Naughty, Gala Vanting and Zahra Stardust on feminist porn, inspiration and what the future holds.
MisKnickers (MisK): How long have you been making films?
Gala Vanting (GV): For a decade now!
Ms Naughty (MsN): I’ve been creating and curating porn online since 2000 but I didn’t start making films until early 2009. I did a short course in filmmaking and just made it up as I went along.
Zahra Stardust (ZS):I’ve been working in the sex industry for ten years in various capacities. I started as a stripper and performed in my first porn scene in 2009. A few years ago I began collaborating with other performers and producers to make films that combine art, sex and politics.
Ms Naughty
MisK: Who or what have been your major film making influences?
MsN:I have always been inspired by the work of Candida Royalle. She and Annie Sprinkle are my ‘porny godmothers’ – they paved the way for us. I also admire Petra Joy and Erika Lust’s work; they both emphasise the female gaze and put a lot of effort into making their films look good. Ovidie is also brilliant. She has such a great sense of humour. Beyond that, I’ve gained a lot of inspiration from attending the Berlin Porn Film Festival – there are so many amazing ideas and clever filmmakers there, I always find it inspiring.
GV: Annie Sprinkle was also one of the major influences on my choice to start doing this work. But I’d say that creatively, Vincent Moon is my biggest influence – just on the way that I shoot and the processes of production.
ZS:Internationally I was always head over heels for Belladonna and the incredible things she did with her body on set. I love Madison Young’s blending of art and porn and her projects exploring sexuality, pregnancy and motherhood. I’ve been lucky enough to work with my idols Jiz Lee, April Flores and Courtney Trouble, and always admired the production ethics of Shine Louise Houston. Here in Australia I’ve been inspired by community-owned, queer, feminist porn like Slit Magazine and projects aiming to document sexualities, like Sensate Films’ Slow Porn Manifesto.
Gala Vanting
MisK: How do you describe feminist porn, and did you start making it as a personal aesthetic or a social statement (or both!)?
MsN:The question of “what is feminist porn?” is a little bit like “how long is a piece of string?” There’s numerous discussions about how to define it; some say it’s not a genre but a movement, a group of like-minded individuals working towards change. Feminist porn creates space for the female gaze; it acknowledges that women want to look and want to be aroused. It understands that we do like looking at male bodies! It creates space for queer and trans representation, for a wider variety of body types and races and it allows room for men to be depicted as something other than robotic humping sex machines whose only goal is ejaculation.
Sex is such a huge subject, it’s so multifaceted and it’s a vital part of the human experience. Feminist porn isn’t just about arousal; it can be about emotion, about protest, about art. A feminist porn film can be sexy AND intellectual at the same time.
I started making my films for a number of reasons. One was purely commercial, but I also wanted to bring my own ideals and aesthetics to porn, to shoot stuff that you didn’t see often – a female point of view, an admiration of the male body, a focus on female pleasure and desire. I guess you could say it was a social statement: I wanted to show that porn could be better than it was – more sensual, less sexist, better looking, more realistic.
GV: Feminist porn is as diverse as feminism, and feminists. For me, it’s basically any porn whose production and presentation is influenced by a feminist ethic. Not everything that calls itself ‘feminist porn’ looks feminist to me, but there’s something about me that loves that debate and that diversity. For me it was a political project first and foremost. The aesthetics came later.
ZS: Feminist porn is a movement, genre, and ethic that affects everything from conceptualisation, production, marketing and consumption. As a movement the challenge is to think intersectionally about sexual politics and sexual rights relevant to those in our communities who are marginalised by criminal laws, over-policing, racism, ableism, and transphobia.
Zahra Stardust
MK: What inspires you to do this work?
GV:Sex. Intimacy. The people in my productions. My creative partner Aven Frey. And the response of the people who see our work.
MsN:I do it to earn a living, of course, but I also want to change the sexual and pornographic landscape. We’re still so backwards when it comes to sex and sexuality. The majority of porn isn’t really showing the beauty or diversity of our sex lives. So I want to expand the possibilities of how we depict sex and to make it into an artform. DH Lawrence once said that pornography was an attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it. I want to lift it away from that, to show a positive, joyful vision of sex.
ZS: Outrage at injustice (over bans on g spot ejaculation, visible inner labia or fisting); wonder in exploring the thresholds of my body; pleasure in radical acts of intimacy and the creative process; and contributing to a community and body of work with broader significance.
Ms Naughty
MsK:Do you suffer from any social stigma regarding your work? Do you have to remain clandestine?
MsN: I do have to be careful who I tell because I live in a country town in a fairly religious area so I would imagine there would be people here who might take exception to my work. I’ve declined TV appearances because I don’t want to be recognised. At the same time, I recently spoke at a mainstream feminist conference and they were very welcoming.
GV:I choose to be pretty ‘out’ about what I do. But of course it comes with stigma. I’m also a sex worker, and pretty out about that. I notice that porn shares some stigma with sex work, but also kinda has some of its own unique little pressures, because it’s a form of cultural production very visible to the mainstream, and about which everyone has an opinion.
ZS: Stigma and criminalisation are leading killers of sex workers around the world. People performing in and producing porn face institutional discrimination – in setting up bank accounts, obtaining billing, finding leases, getting other employment, and on social media and crowdfunding platforms. We then face individualised stigma on a daily basis that overwhelmingly shapes our lives and identities.
Gala Vanting
MisK: Is it difficult to get a film made in Australia?
GV: In a word, yes. And is very much influenced by your own personal resources, because most producers here work completely independently.
MsN: I’ve made one feature film and I financed that myself. Every scene I shoot for Bright Desire is self-funded. There is no ‘industry’ to speak of, just a few people doing their own thing. Some of us have done crowdfunding, but mainly we’re really DIY. We network to find talent and locations but it’s pretty low-key.
ZS: So much so that it is the topic of my PhD research!
MisK: How does our (Australian) industry compare to those overseas? Would you ever contemplate working offshore?
ZS: Because the Australian porn industry is so tiny, much of our work involves shooting overseas. There’s quite a bit of crossover – Australian films are represented at all major international porn film festivals and we contribute to international queer and feminist porn dialogues, texts and community.
MsN:We’re tiny compared to overseas. I’ve looked at the options for working in Berlin or the Netherlands. Europe is so much more open about sex and porn. I’m often jealous about how easy it is to shoot there; you can hire studios, advertise openly, there’s a lot more talent and people take you seriously. But I don’t know if the weather would agree with me.
GV:I do (contemplate working overseas). I don’t have much involvement in the mainstream industry, so I can’t make a point of comparison there. I work mostly in circles of queer people and artists, who are always struggling to produce their work and who are always generously working on one another’s productions.
Ms Naughty
MisK: Do you think porn is becoming more or less culturally relevant, and how does this affect your role as a filmmaker?
MsN:I think porn has become a very culturally relevant issue thanks to the internet. It’s ubiquitous and that is causing a lot of moral panic. I understand the concern that young people are encountering it online and using it as their sex education, especially when official sex ed is so lacking in real-world information about consent, pleasure, technique and relationships. Porn can be fun but it shouldn’t be sex education. That’s like watching a Hollywood car chase and using it as driving instruction. We absolutely need to be improving our sex education and helping young people to think critically about pornography.
I also understand the feminist concern with the gender and race politics on display in a lot of mainstream porn. There’s far too much sexism and negativity out there and not nearly enough diversity in how porn depicts sex. I can understand the worry that bad porn shapes the attitudes of the viewers but I think it’s something that needs to be properly researched. I’ve yet to see any peer reviewed conclusive evidence that porn is addictive or harmful.
All of this does affect my role as a filmmaker because I’m aware of the need to show an alternative vision: to bring the feminist, female perspective to porn; to show sensual, fun, pleasurable sex; to show diversity and equality.
GV:It is always culturally relevant. Its relevance and meaning changes with time and geography. This affects my role in the sense that I need my work to speak to some of the questions that diverse forms of sexual expression beg about our culture.
ZS:I think user generated porn is where it’s at. With new technologies, people are taking over the means of production and representing themselves. We’re seeing more collaboration, increased community ownership, and the democratisation of porn. It’s exciting.
Zahra Stardust
MisK: What projects do you have coming up?
MsN: I’m busy with updating my various sites. I have a few ideas for features, but I need to find the time to develop them. In the meantime, I’m going to offer my feature film The Fantasy Project as a wider release very soon.
GV:At the moment I’m collaborating with CLAUDE, the NSW women’s sexual health project, on a film about queer women and bloodplay. It’s very interesting to team up with the public health sector to make provocative media about sexuality, and I’d love to continue to work in this way.
ZS: In October I can’t wait to co-present Getting Our Hands Wet: Fisting and Ejaculation along with queer femmes Gala Vanting, Sadie Lune and Wendy Delorme at the Berlin Porn Film Festival. It’s a 4 hour workshop involving discussion, anatomical diagrams, film screenings and live explicit demonstration.
MisK: How can people access your work?
MsN: My main site is BrightDesire.com – that has all my videos. I write regularly about porn and feminism at MsNaughty.
Images courtesy of Gala Vanting, Zahra Stardust and Ms Naughty Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!
Several years ago, I waxed my pussy for the first time. I had refused a totally naked vagina for years, mostly due to finding a bald mons pubis quite confronting and reminiscent of prepubescence. Why the hell would someone be attracted to that? But in the interests of journalistic integrity, I figured I shouldn’t knock what I hadn’t tried, and set about trying to find some self-justification for the cosmetic hair-pulling that was to come.
What I discovered amazed me. I assumed the full removal of pubic hair was a recently new fad, probably fed by pornography and female objectification. I have no doubt that the sex industry promotes and markets these fashions, and it can absolutely be used for objectification only. What I didn’t realise is how long these techniques have been practised; the various reasons—besides aesthetics—for removing public hair, and how pubic hair (or the lack of it) has been seen as a signifier of class and health.
Although the earliest evidence of hair removal dates back twenty thousand years—archaeologists believe our earliest ancestors used sharpened stones and shells to scrape hair from the face—there is nothing to suggest pubic hair was removed until the aesthetically-obsessed Egyptians became relevant around 4,000 years ago. But it could be that there was more to this hair removal than just cosmetics. This obsession with hairlessness probably had as much to do with hygiene as with ideals of beauty and fashion. The hot Egyptian climate is one to encourage germs and diseases to breed, and the removal of all body hair was likely a benefit in preventing infection in this ‘sweaty’ weather. The Egyptians developed several techniques to remove hair, most of which are still used in some way to this day. Beeswax was used on the legs and they also created the first depilatories made of starch, arsenic and quicklime, an incredibly toxic concoction that would probably scare any hair out of existence.
Around the same time, over in the Middle East, another technique was being performed. The process called ‘sugaring’ is still widely used today, and involves the application of a natural, sugar-based paste—almost like toffee—that was rubbed over the skin and pulled off in the opposite direction of hair growth, much akin to waxing. The high sugar content inhibited bacterial growth in the region’s hot environment, another suggestion the hygiene was the biggest concern, rather than ‘look’.
As time passed, the look of a hair-free body gained appeal. We see reflected in both Greek and Roman art bodies free of pubic hair, and this is no accident. The Greeks (and the Romans who followed them) held civility in high regard. For them, anything that appeared ‘barbaric’—untamed, wild, primitive, inhuman—was to be avoided. In this era, hair removal was an absolute reflection of class and both men and women went to great pains plucking and using abrasive stones to rub the hair away in an attempt to ‘stay classy’.
Christianity and the fall of the Roman Empire led to a lull in pubic hair removal in Europe. The idea of using cosmetics or enhancing one’s natural form was now seen as an insult to God, and things got quite puritanical. When hair removal did return as a fashion, it was during the Middle Ages, under the reign of Elizabeth I. But this wasn’t a resumption of pulling pubes. To show class and civility in Elizabethan times, a high forehead was required. Not only were eyebrows totally plucked, but hair was removed from the hairline to increase forehead height. Sometimes plucking was used on the forehead but more often, bandages soaked in vinegar or ammonia (often obtained from the urine of domestic cats) were applied to the head. This was a particular method for the children of aristocrats who weren’t so able to sit through the pain of plucking. It was also thought if these bandages were applied at a young enough age, that they would inhibit any later hair growth, thus ensuring a high forehead for life …
I don’t know about you, but I’d take a Brazilian wax over a cat pee bandage any day. Looking into the history of our obsession with a hair-free body, it seems fairly obvious now that I am not necessarily catering to the Male Gaze by shaving my legs. I’m not making myself a mere sex object if I want my vagina waxed and I’m not letting down the feminist movement if I feel the need for smooth armpits. For me, hair removal is more than a cosmetic experience; it’s self-care, it’s self-love and it’s another way that I choose to explore and discover my body.
Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!
So we’re well into Masturbation Month… Anyone learnt anything new? As I mentioned in there a bunch of pieces focused on solo play and the health benefits of masturbation, and people much more qualified than myself to discuss it therapeutically. What I’d like to do is make sure couples don’t feel excluded from all the awesome, so here’s some tips and toys for inspiring and incorporating masturbation into a shared experience – there’s probably no better way to learn more about your partner’s body. For women, masturbation can be an external or internal experience, and there’s thought to be at least four different orgasms women are able to achieve: clitoral, vaginal, multiple, and ‘all of the above’. This makes Pussy Play all kinds of fun – and a wonderfully exciting challenge… How many ways can you or your partner cum this month? And how can you help?
First off, keep things comfortable, yet interesting; getting yourself off should never feel like a job. And remember that our bodies are changing and evolving all the time – depth of sensitivity and locations of ‘hot spots’ can change. Regular masturbation can help you keep track of these changes and give you a working knowledge of what’s ‘right’ for you. This is where toys can be invaluable. Finger toys are a wonderful way to explore the external regions. You can purchase these as simple, textured silicone sheaths that slide over the finger, like these Exotic Finger Teasers. Using your sheathed finger start massaging the labia – outer and inner – taking care to avoid the clitoris for the first few minutes. Make a mental note of any particular sweet spots, but don’t spend too long on them. Try giving yourself (and your voyeuristic) partner a pleasurable tease.
For those who struggle a bit with the clit orgasm, you could try this Finger Vibe from Lelo. It’s a beautiful, velvet-finish silicone vibe that slides on your finger like a ring, and for a toy that runs on one AAA it’s a pretty powerful buzz. There are several speeds and intensity settings, and I’m assuming a pretty top-notch motor, due to Lelo’s great reputation for making safe, great quality toys. The great thing about finger toys is their unobtrusive nature, and the instinctual ease of their use – your fingers know what they’re doing; now just to enhance them a little…
Internally, it can be a whole different thing. There’s no ‘magic button’ in there to make us cum. What used to be thought of as the G-Spot is actually a larger erogenous zone that encompasses several different organs. Called the ‘clitourethrovaginal complex’ (CUV) it includes the front of the vaginal wall (the side toward the belly), the urethra, the paraurethral glands (aka Skene’s Glands or female Prostrate) and the underlying nerve ‘roots’ of the clitoris. Aiming toys and pressure at this region can really help in bringing on some quite intense vaginal orgasms. Some of the best toys to do this are the adjustable G-Vibes like this Je Joue G-Kii. G-spot vibrators feature a curved tip, which provides focused pressure on the front wall. Whether you’re determined to find your G-spot, or know exactly where it is and want to hit it with ease, G-spot vibes get straight to the point. For your first time, try using the head at its natural angle. Then, as you become more familiar with it, experiment with different curves to discover your perfect position. Not only can this toy be shaped to work with anyone, the flexible shaft can even be hooked around for simultaneous internal and external stimulation.
Stay tuned… Next time we look at remote control and wireless control toys for couples… Can’t wait!
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Yes, May is International Masturbation Month. Get your hands out of your laps and cheer!
Now, I’m not going to bash you over the head with a dildo promoting the benefits of masturbation – there are people much more qualified than myself to discuss it therapeutically – let’s just take it as a given that pleasuring oneself is beneficial. Seeing as though masturbation is generally seen as a solo venture, what I’d like to do is make sure couples don’t feel excluded from all the awesome. So here’s some tips and toys that couples can use to incorporate masturbation into their shared experience – there’s probably no better way to learn more about your partner’s body. Over the last few weeks, my extremely tolerant Test Subject (TS) has let me apply all sorts of things to his penis. And first and foremost, he must be thanked for that – not all of it was entirely pleasant.
Thanks to the awesome crew at Sex Toys 24/7 (https://www.sextoys247.net.au/), we’ve been experimenting with products from Doc Johnson’s Optimale range, which I primarily found appealing for it’s focus on sexual health. The packing is simple and free of overt sexual images, which is a great idea in terms of attracting more female customers to engage with their partners in selecting male toys. The Optimale UR-3 Reversible Two-Way Stroker is a great example of this; rather than comparing pornstar pussies to get an idea of internal texture, the stroker has simple designs, seen easily through the frosted UR3 gel. With just a small amount of water-based lube, the smooth and textured sides of the stroker slid on comfortably. This is a fantastic toy for a lot of reasons – reversible, good value for money, easy to use and clean, and the storage box is a real bonus. It’s a good practical toy, that can lead to some seriously sensuous fun. The packaging boldly claims the stroker has an ‘Incredible life-like feel’. It’s certainly not life-like in terms of handling the cock itself – the girth added by the glove is substantial. I asked TS how accurate their claim was. ‘It’s actually very good… “lifelike”? I’m not sure… maybe with a warming lube?’ We never got a chance to experiment any further with the sheath as we discovered some splits in the gel. We plan on getting a replacement, so I’ll be sure to let you all know how the next one goes. What would have been an 8/10 dropped to around a 4.
On the plus side, the death of the stroker meant we could move on to other things…
We decided to check out some cock rings. Typically they’re used to keep erections stronger for longer, but we’ve found they can create a whole new sensual experience and really enhance the whole aesthetic of masturbation. Rings are relatively inexpensive toys, making their play value even higher. They can be worn around the shaft and/or scrotum, and you can even get double rings that will do both. You can find them in a range of materials – leather, jelly, stainless steel, rubber – but for couples play we enjoy using silicone – it’s safe, and easy to clean.
The C-Ring Silicone 45mm Thick is a pretty impressive sample. For a basic cockring, these are aesthetically and sensually very pleasing. We got the matte gun metal grey/slate which was a surprisingly nice break from the familiar shiny-black. The silicone has quite a lot of stretch, and even pulling as hard as I could, showed no sign of weakness. There’s enough give to go around the shaft and testicles comfortably, and package them up nicely. If you enjoy cockrings and find them comfortable, contemplate presenting your ringed cock to your partner one night – they really can enhance the man-junk. I was super appreciative of the extra thick construction and the velvety finish of the silicone which seems to give more grip – there’s no chance my partner will fall victim to another of my clumsy slips resulting in a rubbery snap against his shaft. Once it’s on, take some time to explore the new dimensions and look of the penis by watching how he handles it – the rhythm he chooses, the point where he focuses, how he wraps his hand. Don’t get too carried away – cockrings should be removed within 20 minutes of application.
If you want to upgrade to something a bit more exciting, you could give the The Optimale Vibrating Double C-ring a go. This toy is designed much more with couples in mind, and comes as a single or double bullet unit. We went with the double, which was lucky, because one of them went on the blink after the first use. I must admit, I’m not much for bells and whistles on my sex toys – there is such a thing as over-stimulation. (I plan on discussing this in an article soon.) When I unpacked the Vibrating Double I was really impressed with the guide supplied with the toy – it clearly explained exactly where everything went (with two rings in action, be sure not to confuse the shaft ring with the testes ring). For partnered masturbation play, the bullets are a fantastic addition. Hands can be used on the cock and balls to direct pressure to the bullet zones. Partners can share in the action, by pressing or teasing their own body parts against the buzz… This is a pretty cool toy, but it is one-size, so be sure you’re within range. You can check out the Optimale range here (https://www.sextoys247.net.au/catalogsearch/result/?q=optimale).
Happy Handjobbing!
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Since the advent of online shopping, sex toy sales have drastically increased, particularly from female buyers. In terms of anonymity, it’s great; there’s no bumping into another school mum when you buy online. It can also be really useful for replacing toys you already know and love.
However, visiting a sex shop will give you a new perspective on the toys, and your reaction to them. Never been before? Here’s some tips for starting out:
Start with one of the larger chain stores that specialise in female visitors. These stores are generally stylish, open plan and well lit for browsing, with mostly female staff.
Be curious. Ask questions. Be ‘wowed’. I’ve been working with sex toys for two years now, and just when you think you’ve seen it all there is something new to be amazed by. It’s ok to be dazzled by just how big some of these things are. It’s ok to wonder ‘how the hell does that even work?’ And it’s more than fine to see something you never knew existed and think ‘I must have it’.
Touch things. This is something online shopping can never give you. The biggest benefit the sex shop gives is tactility. There are no written measurements that will make as much sense as the summation of your own hands; they know what feels good in them. With weight and ergonomics being such a major part of toy design for females, having a 3D sensory idea of what may work for you can be invaluable.
Take a friend and just go to browse. Don’t put any pressure on buying. If something impresses you, be open to it.
‘I Wanna Buy A Vibe, But There’s Just Too Many!’
The range of vibrators these days is (figuratively) out of hand. Sex shop walls are lined with displays of all kinds of cock in a range of colours, textures, shapes, sizes and magic tricks for your clit. So let me refine this for you a bit…
One word: ‘rechargeable’. Yes, rechargeable toys are revolutionising the industry. There are several product lines who specialise in this technology, and although it costs a bit more, it’s a small price to pay to know your toy will last the journey without a battery changeover midway, or any loss of power. The motor isn’t limited by how many batteries the toy can carry so not only can these things GO, they do so in a quiet, efficient manner. Generally, a fully charged toy will run from anywhere between three to fours hours, and can take about the same to recharge. For mine, these are the most aesthetically pleasing vibes; sleek curves, smooth contours, zero veins. Don’t even bother looking at battery-operated vibes anymore.
‘What About the “Anal Stuff”?’
The best advice that can ever be given to someone wanting to explore anal play, is start small, go slow, and use lots of lube. On the most basic level, this ensures a greater degree of relaxation which is key to enjoying anal play. The growing numbers of people buying these toys seems to suggest people are finally feeling free of old taboos.
Enthusiasm for something new is fantastic, but leads to the most common mistake first time buyers make; choosing too arduous a toy. It could be size, shape or rigidity, but generally due to a wonderful want of sexual exploration, they try and take on too much. A great place to start is with silicone or jelly anal beads with progressive sizes. Anal beads are relatively inexpensive, and will give you a good idea of the sort of penetration you may like. Remember to partner them with a good quality lubricant that won’t degrade the toy material. Once you’ve got a sense of the size you’re comfortable with, experiments with buttplugs and vibrators can commence.
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