Category: Sex Ed

Real life play

For most people, none of this makes any sense of course, least of all my sense of jadedness. The average male thinks about sex constantly and can’t help it so how can one imagine too much of a good thing? In this case it is perhaps better to let go of the meanings, interpretation and sub-text and consider the individual experience. My experience can constitute a kind of case study, more anecdotal than verified and statistical.

Simply due to the sheer volume of meeting so many models I have ended up in various relationships with some—usually those who identify themselves as sexually submissive in some form (with switches and other anomalies thrown in). Some ask for things to be done to them and use the cliché of “domming from the bottom” while others crave direction. In fact, one girl I knew received some form of gratification whenever I told her what to do. I didn’t abuse her or anything, but I did make her get on her knees and crawl to me before opening my pants and getting some oral from her. To me, some reciprocity is usually in order though and either I would finger her afterwards or restrain and gag her whilst subjecting her to a vibrator until she came over and over again. These types of encounters vary though in terms of who my partner in crime is. Some want a new experience in which I create for them and others prefer to replicate things they’ve done before.

Another model “play partner” had an ex-boyfriend who liked to have intercourse with her when she was “sleeping” and she would mumble her approval whenever he started to interact with her. This became a fetish for her (yes women have fetishes as well!) and something we had a good time with. She also liked being bound spread-eagle, mouth tapegagged and naked as an “intruder” engaged her. The variations of what women into edgy play want are too varied to list so I will only relate the most memorable and/or unusual. There was a particular girl who liked simple handcuffs or me pushing her arms behind her back and then me “taking” her whilst covering her mouth with my hand, usually up against a wall. Another peculiar yet fun model was aroused by almost anything her partner was! This would probably constitute a dream girl for the more superficial aficionados out there and her being a beautiful porn star will likely make many people wonder why I ever let her go?

Herein lies the mental and emotional issues that coexist within bondage dominant-submissive relations. Unlike many, I have never been a 24-7 player. In fact for me once the bedroom activity is over I revert to “normal” mode and treat my partner as an equal in very way. Of course, I might break this normalcy (or she might!) by engaging in some act later. This reminds me of another fun partner who would always respond to any prolonged physical contact and rub up against me with her ass and run her hands over my crotch. She was fun when we were playing, but we were not compatible simply because she wanted a constant state of what I view as play. In other words, she wanted to be the complete sub and have me decide things for her, have her cook and clean and simply be a kind of slave or human furniture (her words, not mine!). There have been a few women like this I’ve met and most are strangely enough not products of abuse (that or they’re lying about their pasts), but rather revel in how turned on they feel when they are “objects” of intense desire. Thus, I would put tape over the mouth of this particular partner and she would submissively bow her head, but I couldn’t take this all the time. I’ve always wanted the best of both worlds I suppose. Not easy when you work with so many different women all the time and it is hard on relationships.

Regardless of my own life’s journey, many lifestyle players have many different ways of interacting and meeting now. In terms of social networking and the general public, many “vanilla” girls think they look cute with tape over their mouths and will tweet or post images on websites like Instagram and tumblr and relish the feedback from viewers. Now with the popularization of the submissive female largely derived from 50 Shades of Grey, a wider group of potential participants has emerged. Some use adult dating sites and interact with each other within the confines of dominant and submissive (or switch) roles. It would seem that I am truly not alone in my peculiar interests, which is both comforting and disconcerting to me. A moment of epiphany tells me that physical contact transcends the trappings and sexual rituals we develop and thus relates to us all as human beings.

Still there is room for dysfunction here for some as well. The female “roles” are not rigid since they are individuals and often transcend archetypes or even generalizations. Some hate that they enjoy this sort of thing (submission) because it contradicts so much of what they believe as sane feminists (simply those who believe women have the same rights of self-determination as men) or egalitarians and even female supremacists (some dominatrixes may feel that women are the superior sex for a host of reasons). This self-loathing has deeper psychological attributes as one former dominatrix told me that she has enjoyed having male “slaves” serve her, but also routinely fantasizes about a different sort of man (a male dominant) abducting her and then putting her in bondage before engaging in more intimate relations. She has acted this out in many occasions and hates herself for loving and needing it.

The most educated and “strong” (a word that implies pride, a trait I’ve found to be useless as it is self-confidence that is more crucial when trying to achieve anything in life) females, like some of their male counterparts, may seek “release” from their roles as managers or bosses. The male executive submitting to the dominatrix is a common enough trope in the mass media, but it turns out that women in positions of “power” or authority can also sometimes crave downtime as submissives to male dominants (or female doms). The further one delves into the world of the female in bondage, the more complex a picture emerges that transcends parsimony and conveys a highly complex world. The psychological is key to understanding why people choose to participate in roleplaying bondage that entails, at its root, a sexual basis. For some it’s an acquired taste that is reinforced and evolves through practice and repetition. For others it’s something they feel has always been of interest to them for inexplicable reasons even at a very young age. And still others are survivors of abuse who have, for good or ill, come to identify certain things they’ve experienced as pleasurable when done willing with a partner they approve of. I myself have had bondage fantasies since I was very young and can’t quite attribute it to anything other than an impulse that emerged over time. My particular interests/fetishes are less about wanting to exert confinement and control and more about how the bondage subject looks and feels when touched in various ways. In short, it’s an aesthetic and sensual thing with me and “power exchange” simply doesn’t occur to me. With that said some control issues are bound to emerge simply due to me being a creature of habit like all of humanity.

Concluding remarks and observations

Ultimately, as a producer I do wonder if I’m doing more harm than good. I have a conscience and I’ve tried hard not to be delusional and imagine what I do as “normal.” Everything being so staged and using some well-known adult talent makes it all seem very routine I imagine, but for many people this is dark and twisted territory. My hope is always that people aren’t inspired to commit acts of violence towards women (or anyone really), ever. Now as far as what consenting adults do, I have very few reservations there. Even the most strange and bizarre behavior is hard to criticize if the participants are fully aware and know what they’re doing. The videos I produce are ultimately meant for those looking for fantasy and an outlet (many customers of mine are married and/or have normal relationships for example) that keeps them satisfied and mentally stable. There are some who (appear to be) a bit more unstable of course, but I have no idea if it’s just internet bravado (the rather consistent confrontational behavior people take on due to anonymity on the internet that is usually different from how they would behave in real life) or the ravings of the criminally insane. Most of my customers appear to be quite sane functioning men (with a very tiny group of women, usually lesbians) who have fantasies and simply want a means of satisfying themselves (or watching videos during relations with a partner).

I have no way or knowing, short of conducting a massive survey in order to assess, what impact these types of fetish practices and fantasies have on society. Is this healthy or are fantasies inherently bad for the psyche as it allows illusion to replace real intimate relations? Hard to say. Perhaps it’s only about attaining the physical satisfaction of an orgasm ultimately. Noted sex researcher Dr Alfred Kinsey (subject of the Liam Neeson vehicle Kinsey) likened the orgasm to something as disparate as sneezing, an impulse of sorts that culminates in the convergence of numerous nerves during climax. Many bondage enthusiasts can get aroused simply at the sight of a female in bondage and the linkage to serotonin, dopamine and other aspects of biology and the human brain are still not quite fully known. Achieving orgasm is not unlike the pleasurable experience some get from drug use after-all. Ultimately, no matter how it comes, people crave an orgasm thanks to our bodies which betray us no matter how hard we try to resist.

For those who need bondage to play a role in achieving sexual gratification, the real issue isn’t that they require this to feel pleasure. People are into many different things, positions and so forth. What’s important to remember is that the “object” of your admiration is a person and empathy should not be jettisoned simply because the female play partner is submissive and restrained. There’s a measure of responsibility I have when creating bondage videos (and when “playing” in my personal life) and that is the safety and consent of the model/submissive. Keeping this in mind should make this significantly more palatable, but really in a free society it doesn’t matter if you don’t like something other people do. For those who view women in bondage as an expression of misogyny, they may need to reconsider and factor in the concept of roleplaying and consensual foreplay that defies the outward appearance of hate. Some lifestyle players do have “issues” while some prefer “traditional” roles of men in-charge and women as subordinate. Not my intention to pass judgment on why people think what they think so much as to elucidate to those who may in some way be fascinated with all of this. Talk to enough people about why they’re turned on by women in bondage and you’ll receive a vast array of responses, rationalizations and justifications for this “deviant” fetish. As for me, I have no religious moral compass I use, but rather I am in tune with the understanding of the “other” as a real person. In short, my morality stems from empathy, rule of law and seeking out willing participants. What goes through our heads while we play things out is only relevant to ourselves as individuals. The allure of women in bondage is for me personally about gratification and how other people see all of this is something I can’t control, but can try to explain.

Image courtesy of Johnny D
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My Introduction to Bondage

I myself came upon bondage at an early age, but wasn’t that particularly enamored with it until high school and it involved my first real sexual encounter. I had compulsive thoughts even at a very young age and often fantasized about my sexy gym teacher with tape over her mouth or found myself staring if a pretty girl covered her own mouth suddenly. Initially, the mouth and gag interested me more than the bondage itself, although handcuffs had a simple sexy appeal. It wasn’t the act of silencing someone that drew my attention, but rather how it looked and felt when I covered a girl’s lips with my hand. Regardless, my “first” was auspiciously perhaps my ideal match in terms of being kinky. She was simultaneously adventurous and sexually submissive (as a counter to my sexual dominance, which I could shut on and off depending upon whether I had a willing partner) and this early experience helped shape my own sexual desires. Without going into too much detail, she enjoyed “rough sex” (think the opposite of candles, soft music and caressing) and when I pushed her against a wall, pinned her hands or guided them to where I wanted, covered her mouth when she got loud, she felt a heightened sense of lust that easily matched my own. Her being turned on turned me on! This is in contrast to when I tried this with other potential mates who might respond with something like, “This is too rough, please be gentle.”

If my partner wanted gentle and conventionally romantic I generally would disengage and make some excuse to call it a night. I meant no offense, but we all have needs and if you want gentle, then I was the wrong guy. If a potential mate wanted rough and messy (with still some level of romance such as cuddling and so on afterwards), then I was always game. These experiences shaped my sexual preferences, which always involved a willing submissive who enjoyed herself as much as I did. I am intrinsically an egalitarian who believes everyone has equal rights and so on and whatever people do should be with a willing mindset free of coercion or manipulation (charisma being something of a wildcard in this regard!). In fact, to this day, I am incapable of being with someone who isn’t into being a submissive as I’ve learned over and over again and have come to accept this. In certain respects, I have joked that having a fetish is a kind of handicap as it limits the number of partners one can be intimate with. Still this was all the beginning of my experience with bondage other than handcuffs and perhaps a piece of tape slapped over a willing partner’s luscious pouting lips and I never really delved very far into bondage until well into college.

Once in college, I at times felt lost in terms of what career-path I would take (a perpetual aspect of young Americans), but my journey into bondage continued when I discovered bondage magazines. The first time was at, of all places, a comic-book convention. As I walked past various stalls I noticed a man wearing sunglasses indoors who looked as if he could have been Disco Stu’s straight-haired cousin. I then gazed at his stall and couldn’t look away. He noticed me looking at his wares and commented on how vendors around him were giving him a hard time for trying to sell bondage magazines alongside comic-books depicting women in bondage and other underground fare. He quipped some clichés as I barely paid attention that I only recall in paraphrase form: “It’s a free country, right? Not like I’m hurting anyone. People are so intolerant I swear.” My heart raced as I stared at some of the magazines while he kept talking about being persecuted.

I quickly grabbed several magazines depicting beautiful women bound and gagged in numerous photo-spreads and paid for them before my friends saw where I was. Outside, after the convention shut its doors, my roommate asked to see what I had bought and I made the excuse that the packaging was fragile and I’d show him later. He eyed me suspiciously, but was too preoccupied with his own purchases to care. The bondage magazines were from the 1980s and early 90s mostly and in relatively good condition. Numerous bondage models (some of whom I even met and shot years later even if they were past their prime while still in remarkably good shape!) were depicted bound, gagged and sometimes getting fondled, largely by other women, but also sometimes by men. Suffice it to say the magazines caused a torrent of masturbation on my part until I foolishly took the magazines (and others I bought through the mail) home during the summer and hid them behind my bed until one day they all disappeared. Clearly, my mother had found them while cleaning my room and had decided to do me a “favor” and throw them out. She never spoke of them to me, her son whom she loved unconditionally, and I never brought it up.

The internet allowed me to further explore bondage videos at length and years later, through various circumstances involving a dominatrix (who actually preferred being a submissive in her personal life, in an ironic twist). We met in a bar and dated for a time, and came upon a video distributor at a fetish nightclub who expressed interest in any videos my ex and I could produce. We then proceeded to shoot some videos with her bound, gagged and getting molested by yours truly wearing a mask, but then we broke up and she decided that the videos were her property. I, however, kept shooting and somehow ended up producing videos at a regular rate while still living my “regular” life with school and a conventional job. My life became a bifurcated existence as I even developed two sets of friends. One group including my family and associates I’ve known for years who never knew what I was up to in my “other” life while the other were my kinky cohorts. Relationships became tricky with lying almost an afterthought and is something that bothers me to this day. It’s not just the fear of getting caught, but rather the lies imply a lack of trust in others and is definitely not a healthy way to exist. With that said, my life as a bondage producer has been far from bleak so much as filled with ebbs and flows like everyone else. If we don’t have bad times, how would we be able to discern the good after-all? After-all I’ve had some relatively rare negative experiences with models who suddenly decided they couldn’t take bondage (and we end the shoot unless they demanded full payment and wanted to continue somehow) and there have been women I wanted to have relationships with, but without some kind of kinky play, it felt incomplete.

The current state of Bondage “porn”

Many fetish models I have known, who do not work in conventional porn (as in they do not engage in sexual acts with males or females even), often regard bondage as its own category that is something akin to an R-rated movie to others who view it as softcore porn. The definition is a loose one and a matter of interpretation, but there is an overt sexual appeal meant to create excitement amongst viewers, which would qualify bondage as a type of porn. In fact, conventional pornographers overlap with bondage producers (as the depiction of bondage as kinky foreplay is common) although the two often diverge when it comes to the depiction of sex acts. Both are numerous today thanks to the internet (unlike the past when a handful of producers dominated the industry and displayed their wares in adult movie theaters as well as mail order VHS/DVD sales). Today’s bondage producers range from amateurs who shoot videos for self-gratification to those who run highly successful companies that produce videos covering the entire range of BDSM (including female domination of men/women, gay bondage, and sadomasochism as well as depicting sex acts engaged in while one subject is in bondage). Add to this the multitude of producers in Japan, Europe, Russia, China, Brazil, Australia and so forth and it is clear that this is a fairly popular form of adult entertainment worldwide.

Producers are as diverse when it comes “style” (i.e. how they depict women in bondage) as the means they employ. Bondage equipment and the style one uses can be quite distinctive and is another important component to consider. Rope bondage is generally the most celebrated and includes a simple binding of the wrists and ankles to complex suspensions (in which a model is bound and elevated off the ground), shibari (the Japanese artistic form of bondage with its intricate rope patterns), and Chinese bondage, which often involves a certain style of its own (usually putting females in positions that are difficult to remain in for very long). Alongside rope bondage are other means of restraint such as leather straps, shackles, cages and tape (often used to “mummify” a model). Consumers may enjoy all of these forms or just one in particular.

An example of a difficult behind the back Chinese form of bondage that looks easier than it is. Endured with grace by the talented.

Often (but not always) crucial to bondage is the gag, which creates the impression of silencing the subject so that they can’t cry out for help or object to how they are being treated. This is often the case in roleplaying “damsel in distress” fantasy scenarios, but for many bondage enthusiasts it’s also an aesthetic appeal that somehow enhances the beauty of a model. The ballgag is perhaps the most identified with bondage porn and has shown up in popular depictions such as in Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction. Usually strapped in tight so that the model drools involuntarily, it has an oral aspect to it that appeals to many in lieu of fellatio. Closely related are other gags that pry open the mouth such as “ring” gags, dental gags, penis gags (dildo shaped on one end and leather paneled on the other) and so forth. Ballgags are often part of panel gags that are strapped over the mouth with a ball stuffed in the subject’s mouth. Cleave-gags are also common and particularly widespread in mass media depictions of women in bondage and involve a cloth tied in-between the lips and teeth so that the subject is muffled, but can still talk to some extent. If the mouth is stuffed, this gag form becomes much more effective and the stuffing can get a bit more “humiliating” if it’s in the form of panties. Finally, there is the use of the tapegag, also common in media portrayals of damsels in distress. Tapegags vary from a simple piece of tape slapped over the lips to the more intense wraparound tapegag, which involves placing tape over the mouth and wrapping it around the head several times. Add to this sometimes simply placing a hand over the subject’s mouth to silence them (the handgag or “hom” hand over mouth; yes there are terms for everything in bondage!) and numerous other unconventional methods such as stuffing a rag in the mouth (common with Chinese bondage) or even using an apple and other fruits.

Lovely fetish models Felicity (left) and Randy Moore (right) illustrating the unconventional apple gag!

Once placed in bondage, the subject becomes many different things. The person doing the tying is often referred to as the dominant (and “rigger”) and may wish to interact with the subject or simply exist as a voyeur. The voyeur gains some level of arousal when watching the subject struggle and is drawn to the perceived beauty of the model in captivity. Here, the objectification is somewhat blatant, but also morphs into a form of “worship.” While dominatrixes often seek reverence in some form, the body worship of a bondage model is different in certain respects. The model attains a level of enhanced and intense desirability when in bondage, something many models I’ve known do enjoy. The attention directed at the subject is perhaps the most relatable dimension of bondage and some models even go into a trance-like state as they revel in “submission” (or sub-space as some would term it). Thus, is the bondage model simply an object or a being of intense desire? For me it’s always been the latter.

The model can be many things to the viewer and conveys this multifaceted aspect in terms of story-lines or the lack thereof if one wishes to simply focus on the bondage act. Still, numerous tropes are used by producers to add a sense of “realism” or simply function as an outlet for creativity, with the most common plot device being the “damsel in distress.” This theme harkens back to such clichés as the female bound to the railroad tracks as a villain dressed like some hackneyed magician twirls his mustache whilst the hero rushes to the rescue. The damsel is often in some kind of “peril” due to some melodramatic plot device and ends up tied up. Ancillary fetishes such as pantyhose, stockings, garter belts, and high heels are common simply due to their early usage which has seeped into the collective consciousness of bondage enthusiasts. The damsel can take on many forms including that of a secretary, nurse, librarian or even a CEO. And with the rise in popularity of comic-books, the superheroine is often a subject personifying both female empowerment (which is sexy to many) and once again an intensely attractive bondage captive as well. To engage audiences sometimes a beautiful bondage model isn’t enough and some story is required regardless of its absurd unlikely nature.

Bondage themes can also involve more “ominmous” tones and story-lines with physical interaction at play. For many lifestyle players, the parties might agree to engage in rougher bondage that involves nudity and physical interaction. This can sometimes include sex or sexual acts (such as using a vibrator upon the bondage subject and thus confusing her feelings of helplessness and pleasure until she associates pleasure with confinement). To emphasize that this is in fact roleplaying, it is important to understand the issue of consent or more accurately consensual non-consent (or the subject pretending that she is “resisting” when in reality she is simply playing the role of victim). For some producers they are quite content with simply admiring the bound female form, while others prefer a more interactive approach that is again a matter of preference. I go for the latter myself minus the actual sex as I am not only a voyeur but also view myself as a participating dominant.

The damsel in distress (portrayed with elegance by Brooke Haven) can take on darker tones while maintaining an aesthetic appeal.

The preferences of all parties involved (model, producer and viewer) are important considerations here. Viewers often want to see very specific things or are content to follow the general themes (capture, placed in bondage, left to struggle, harassed in some way and some conclusion). Bondage porn was once relegated to adult theaters showing sexploitation porn and adult bookstores with their prerequisite sticky viewing booths. Today the internet has truly changed everything including adult entertainment. For some big producers it has diluted their profits, but for most it has created more competition, a wider audience and diversification to cater to every niche fetish there is. What’s more, for those who do it for “fun,” bondage is an activity they can enjoy with many willing subjects they find through social networking sites as well as adult-themed conventions.

As a producer I find certain aspects fun and have had the pleasure of meeting some interesting people along the way. It is a business though and for those of us choose to run it as such it can blur the lines between working and leisure-time. You have to truly love what you do to not view the routine as a job, but there is work involved, particularly the scheduling and editing process.

The tedious aspects aside, for me this has all been at times surreal. Leading a double life to avoid public scrutiny is definitely not for everyone and yet what heterosexual male would not want to meet a multitude of sexually adventurous women? Not as action-packed and glamorous as it sounds I would say. Yet when chemistry is at play I have found myself drawn to the model, while maintaining a level of professionalism that can be at times difficult. During the shooting of videos, some models may find themselves turned on and express how they never realized just how “submissive” they are and yet these latent subs are often the most aggressive when it comes to interacting. Obviously, whatever happens between consenting adults after the “work” is done is another, at times, weirder matter. This is “sexy” work and sex is one of the basic human needs hardwired into us through millions of years of evolution. What happens when you turn it into something casual and a job? For me, a level of jadedness has emerged to the point that a beautiful naked woman is no longer a novelty or automatic turn-on. At times I even miss being a “civilian” who would get excited by a woman twirling her hair near me. Perhaps it is for this very reason that I often seek out partners outside of the industry simply to not feel as if it’s all staged somehow with my life and what I do merging into one. That’s not to say I’m not going to feel attraction at some level due to physical contact, but doing anything repetitively can change a person.

Stay tuned to tomorrow for Johnny’s real life interactions!

Images courtesy of Johnny D
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From my experience as a bondage producer (and real life “player”) it is hard to say just how people develop “fetishes,” without conducting numerous studies, especially those that are of a more seemingly sinister nature as bondage (and BDSM as a whole) appears to be. Bondage is ultimately a sub-set of BDSM (or bondage, domination and sadomasochism) and may not necessarily be about “pain” at all. Regardless, for the scientific community, fetishism as a whole is a kind of mental state called paraphilia, which, “is a condition in which a person’s sexual arousal and gratification depend on fantasizing about and engaging in sexual behavior that is atypical and extreme.”[i] The dependence aspect is a curious one given that without a particular situation or act, sexual arousal becomes difficult or even impossible. As a producer of bondage media that largely depicts women in bondage, the role of “dependence” is something interesting to be considered for both the “dominant” and “submissive” (i.e. performer). Perhaps a certain level of co-dependence or even symbiosis is more accurate if the participants are truly engaged in the act.

One thing to note is that women in bondage is a turn-on for people due to a host of reasons, as varied as snowflakes, each a unique journey that sometimes ends up in a dysfunctional tumultuous relationship or mutual sexual bliss. For me, it has been at times bittersweet and other times sublime. Due to the social stigma attached to men who are into women getting bounded, gagged and “played with”, some level of public secrecy is essential when dealing with what porn stars call “civilians” (i.e. the general public as well as institutions like banks and other gatekeepers who like to judge what is considered “acceptable” conduct). There is no way to have them read my mind and understand that I’m not a closet rapist so much as a fetishist who seeks out models who enjoy playing the role of a submissive and relish the attention as wanton “objects” of desire. If there is objectification, it need not exclude humanity and even empathy, but this is also something that is difficult to understand if you’re an uninterested party.

While some producers prefer anonymity, others are quite open and embrace the experience in its totality and are even consumed by it (as in they live it 24-7 with their partners). I am not such a producer as I do compartmentalize and crave an eclectic life experience that involves more than just tying up and dominating submissive women (or those who are submissive for pay!). In fact, I have gone to great lengths to not view this as “normal” so much as something that simply exists as a kind of foreplay and sometimes part of sex acts with a consenting partner. After any carnal relations, I have always preferred to be normal and not have a partner who wants to be dictated to like some “slave.” The complexities of roleplaying with women in bondage are more about (sometimes dark) fantasies that engage both parties who want a level of elevated excitement for many different reasons. Sometimes it’s the adrenalin rush of something “dangerous” or forbidden (and not too far from those who enjoy sex in public while barely hoping they won’t get caught in the act). This is not so easily communicated to the “vanilla” world at large that (rightly) views violence against women as a purely negative thing, but may not understand (or even want to) that two people can engage in what appears to be at times (faux) violence, even though it is nothing more than acting (in videos) and consensual foreplay (in real life).

Mainstream society has its acceptable forms of bondage, but overall, by the latter half of the 20^th century, it has come to be primarily identified with a female dominatrix dominating a willing male submissive. There are many reasons for this that largely involve how societies have been historically patriarchal and, at times, misogynistic. To correct this historical imbalance, most Western societies have embraced egalitarianism and feminism. Feminism is a dirty word to many bondage enthusiasts, but to me it is a term that ranges from wholeheartedly supporting equal rights for women (as I do) to determine how they want to live their lives without men dictating to them to the more fringe radical views that all men are oppressive patriarchs. Within this context, a kind of “compensation state” exists in the media to counter the well-documented historical mistreatment of women that continues in many parts of the world. Thus, the dominatrix is acceptable because men are seen as still being in-charge and thus can be subjected to acts that used to be done largely to women since it does nothing to disrupt the current gender balance of power (but does depict women in positions of power and trains younger generations to not view women as inherently subordinate to men).

Of course this implies to many that the sexes aren’t really equal at all if only submissive males are socially acceptable and female submission is deemed unacceptable. It also brings up the issue of the “weaker” sex in the physical sense, although one could argue that many female bodybuilders and trained fighters are far from weak these days! What ends up being key is the crucial issue of consent. In fact, amongst fetishists who are into bondage, there is a phrase that encapsulates how a bondage dominant and submissive relationship operates: consensual non-consent. In other words, the submissive willingly goes along or roleplays as a being of intense desire for the dominant who will do to her whatever he wants (usually based upon agreed terms and possibly a “safe” word in case things become too uncomfortable for the submissive). The bondage aspect may range from the aesthetic appeal of women in bondage to a desire to control. And as to whether this is at all normal and even healthy is perhaps questionable unless of course both parties ARE also able to function as normal healthy people. The extremities take on a darker and muddled tone when one delves into sadomasochism (something I generally do not shoot myself simply because I’m not a sadist), but again there are people who find S&M extremely enthralling. The Marquis de Sade comes to mind as an early example of turning women into objects and abusing them for pleasure (and many women today take part as submissives as well as dominants, some of whom enjoy such shocking, to the average layperson, activities as kicking willing males in their genitals!). And the pleasure is becoming highly individualized as well with the rise of the internet and social networking.

Nearly all manner of sexual interests now have little niche forums where the like-minded can reinforce each other’s views and commiserate and share their experiences. Willing female participants are today perhaps marginally acceptable (hard to argue against the behavior of consenting adults who are not breaking any laws), but it is a very gray area for many who view anyone who engages in this sort of behavior, especially towards women, as, at the very, an insecure control freak. With that in mind, it is perhaps something that can be explained albeit tolerated and not necessarily celebrated.

Popular culture and bondage

Despite this perception of women in bondage as a demented kink, pop culture abounds with female bondage in the mainstream. This speaks to a widespread interest that likely ranges from fantasies that are never lived out to real life players engaging in bondage as foreplay and part of sex acts. While most depictions of an overtly sexual nature are of men serving dominatrixes, the willing female submissive in bondage has received little more than the recent mass media sensation that is 50 Shades of Grey as well as the earlier and more compelling film The Secretary (with Maggie Gyllenhaal portraying a woman who discovers that she enjoys being a lifestyle submissive to her boss/lover). Still, for bondage aficionados, the mainstream is rife with females in bondage, usually a staple on crime dramas such as the many CSI and Law and Order clones with their derivative and repetitive plots that often require more lurid scenarios to boost ratings. Internationally as well, women in bondage with sexual overtones is a common sight found in such far-flung places as Bollywood in India to Russia (home to some extreme bondage sex porn) as well as tele-novellas from Latin America. Numerous sites catalogue and disseminate mass media bondage depictions so there is clearly no shortage out there.

The constant depiction of women bound and gagged in dramatic visual media may in fact be a turn-on for a much wider audience (including dominant lesbians as well as male doms), ironically due in part to this media exploitation. This is not unique to women in bondage as slasher films, with story-lines that literally go nowhere other than a massive body count, perform well at the box office and point towards a kind of, again, socially acceptable and tolerated fetishism that is much darker than bondage porn, necro porn. Even some so-called “news” shows take the most lurid approach in the name of reporting the news while focusing upon the female in bondage and decrying it at the same time they use it to attract viewers. Perhaps this is all a window into the forbidden thoughts within us all that need not be simply about real-life violence, but about fantasies.

Inspiring others to commit acts of violence is without a doubt the worst possible outcome when considering the depiction of women in bondage. Is it an outlet though that allows for safe fantasies or an example of how to view women? There is no way to regulate or monitor thoughts, but rules and guidelines are possible in my opinion. Everything can’t be simplified and sometimes the complexity conveys a level of understanding that would be missed by mere bullet points. Perhaps for this reason, I approach my bondage video productions with an eye towards making it clear that it’s not real, often with sarcasm, humor, and outlandish situations (such as the inclusion of such tropes as superheroines in bondage that harken back to the Wonder Woman TV series starring an often times bound and gagged Linda Carter). Some men trace their interests to early games of cowboys and indians in which a female would get tied up, but the inspiration would often be films and TV shows like The Avengers (a quirky British series from the 1960s that often depicted females in bondage, while rarely showing males tied up). These damsels in distress are common within the film noir sub-genre and hint at the fetishization of women in bondage since the beginning of mass media. With social acceptance of individual behavior having been expanded by the 1960s, sexploitation films from the 1970s proliferated females in bondage and reached audiences all over the world. With all of these in mind, it is important to understand that this is all about fantasy and should only be viewed as such and if anyone wishes to replicate anything of this sort, it should always be with a consenting partner. This message may not get through to all, but is important for a truly civilized society that must balance law and order with what consenting adults choose to do even if many find it distasteful.

The sexual allure of women in bondage harkens back further in some parts of the world to diverse expressions such as Japanese art (and modern Japanese bondage or shibari is also an inspiration for many bondage enthusiasts) and early detective magazines that would discuss criminal cases sometimes with clinical detachment and yet focus upon violent acts towards women. Within these detective magazines, the violent acts appear to be almost a side-note to the often graphic depiction of beautiful women bound and gagged with their clothes in tatters on covers and in photo spreads, which begs the question, were these magazines really just covering crime for enthusiasts or were they somehow also looking to depict women in bondage because it was good for sales (and perhaps gratifying to publishers themselves)? Early bondage “pioneers” saw an aesthetic appeal to women in bondage as artistic expressions of sexual beauty often personified through models such as Bettie Page. Numerous performers drawn to burlesque pattern themselves after these fetishists (and wear stockings, garter belts and high heels as expression of the style these early bondage enthusiasts made popular). All of these began during the sexually repressive 1950s that evolved during the course of the counter-culture movement that made such expressions more tolerable during and after the 1960s. All of these being a bit before my time, but important to understand as context.

[i]       http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/paraphilias

Stay tuned to tomorrow for Johnny’s introduction to bondage

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Discipline is one of the most important aspects of the D/s lifestyle. Keyed into the dynamic between a mistress and a slave or submissive in the lifestyle is the need for obedience. This is such a fundamental part of what we do that there are several kinks based around the concepts of ‘service submission’—someone who gains pleasure from serving other, more dominant people. In an ideal world, all submissives and slaves would be like this, willing to do whatever the dominant requires of them and gaining their pleasure from this service.

However, as should be obvious, this is not an ideal world and the majority of submissives need to be taught the error of their ways before aspiring to perfection in their submission. This is why we need punishment.

Done correctly, punishment should be a means by which a dominant helps a submissive to learn how to serve them better. There should be structure, meaning, and an educational goal. It should not be issued without reason and the submissive needs to know why they are being punished. It also needs to avoid the inherent complications of the D/s lifestyle which mostly revolve around the existence of masochists—those who gain sexual pleasure from pain.

Consider this old BDSM themed joke:

Masochist: Hurt me
Sadist: No.

It highlights one of the fundamental flaws in the BDSM dynamic when masochists are involved. The masochist desires pain and the sadist enjoys giving it. Yet, surely the sadist can hurt the masochist more by not doing what they want—frustrating their quest for sexual gratification through pain? The sadist gets their kicks and the sub doesn’t, which may twist those sadistic tendencies even more.

The simple fact is that a masochist desires to be hurt and may therefore invite punishment. This makes the use of physical punishment—both the traditional image of crops and whips as well as the use of clamps and other means of torture such as electroplay—somewhat pointless. The masochist will actively seek out such activities so if the dominant makes them punishments for misbehaviour, they should not be surprised to see more misbehaviour.

And truth be told, it is not just masochists who have this problem. Whatever punishment you devise, there is likely a kinkster who gets off on it in some way. There are subs who enjoy humiliation, cross dressing, bondage, watersports, SCAT, a whole host of activities that the majority may not find pleasant but which they find intensely satisfying. There are even those who simply enjoy doing something because a mistress told them to do it, whatever that thing might be.

This dilemma can be easily solved by making the punishments individual to a sub or slave. It also requires that a dominant separates the concept of punishment from that of funishment—which may be defined as actions which may be seen as ‘punishment’ performed purely for fun. If you are playing with a sub or have some reason to reward them for good work, you might choose to ‘punish’ them with something fun—a funishment. If, on the other hand, you genuinely want to teach them a lesson, then you punish them with something they do not enjoy.

This does require getting to know your submissive first. You can do this in a number of ways such as one of the many BDSM checklists out there or simply getting them to tell you what they like and don’t like. Some dominants set new potential submissives writing tasks as part of this ‘getting to know you period’. The aim here is to establish lists of activities which need to be organised as ‘things they enjoy’, ‘things they do not enjoy but will do’ and ‘things they will never do’ (which are sometimes referred to as limits and can be split into hard and soft according to your preference). At which point, with only a little extra work, you have a list of funishments (things they enjoy) and a list of punishments (things they do not enjoy but will do).

Using this method, it is easy to see that there are many activities which can be used as punishment beyond the somewhat clichéd ‘corporal punishment’ range of spankings, whips and crops. Because of the predominance of masochists in the lifestyle, these methods are actually more often less effective as punishments but very useful in funishment. Though there are some non-masochists on the scene, most subs are to a greater or lesser extent, lovers of pain. It is up to the dominant to establish exactly how far they are willing to go with that pain before it gets too much for them—is there a line beyond which it moves from fun to punishment? Is that line beyond the point where the dominant can deliver it without harming themselves (from stress and strain on their whipping muscles) or hurting the sub in any permanent way? With some masochists you are better off looking to other methods.

One way to properly punish a sub is boredom. The old school classic of writing lines is no longer used in schools but can still be applied in BDSM quite happily (as far as I am aware Ofsted rarely visit BDSM schoolrooms so you should be OK). In this highly technical day and age, when most people type rather than write by hand, it is an even greater punishment. You can also have them sit in a corner, facing the wall, or get them to hold a coin on the wall with their nose. All three methods combine a tedious task with a lack of dominant communication. The message being ‘good boys and girls get to stay in the dungeon with mistress and have fun, bad ones don’t’. They are the BDSM equivalent to the ‘naughty step’. Added torture here can be introduced if there are multiple subs and the others are happily being whipped or otherwise ‘funished’ while the punishment is going on and the punished sub can hear this. This can, of course, tie in with cuckolding fantasies and there is always fun to be had by having a sub bound and blindfolded in a room while you entertain a ‘better’ sub to whatever fun activities you like.

Another method is chastity. If a sub is not otherwise undergoing any form of chastity this can be imposed—either by placing an appropriate device on them or simply not permitting them to cum for a set length of time, the idea of cum restriction. If they are already in chastity, then you can extend their locked period even longer or increase the amount of teasing imposed on them.

Humiliation is also a common method of punishment. This might be something as simple as name calling. Some dominants have pet names for their subs and sometimes they might have one affectionate pet name used in the majority of cases and one that is insulting or belittling to use to show displeasure. You can also stage more elaborate humiliations such as forcing a sub to be naked or to cross dress. Telling a female sub to go without knickers for a day while at work or doing other day to day things can, in some cases, be very effective in humiliating her while making a male sub wear female underwear can have a similar effect. You can add a level of escalation to this as well. For a female sub, start by allowing them free choice in what they wear but if they misbehave again, a skirt must be worn and that skirt can get shorter. For male subs, you might start with just a pair of female knickers and even make those relatively plain such that they could easily be mistaken for Y fronts, but you can progress onto frillier, more feminine and more revealing underwear and also add bras, stockings or tights and other layers of underwear. This form of humiliation is effective as it is something private only you and the sub know but they are always aware of it and concerned that someone will find out.

Actual public humiliation is a controversial issue because of the issues of consent. Whether you follow Safe Sane Consensual (SSC) or Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) you have to be sensitive to the fact that the public will not have consented to being exposed to any kink you perform. Plus a lot of it can get your sub arrested. Public humiliation is best kept to play parties or other spaces where everyone is kink friendly. Though, of course, you do not necessarily have to tell the sub that it is a kink friendly place. There are also little things that can be done in public which are humiliating because the sub is aware of them but the general public are not. For example, having a male sub always sit to use the toilet, regardless of what they are doing, making sure to remind them that they should ‘pee like a girl’ from now on. Having your male sub wear clothing which is unisex or slightly feminine but still plausible for a man to be wearing is another way. A blouse instead of a shirt, female cut jeans instead of straight cut male ones. These little touches are unlikely to be noticed by casual observers but both you and the sub know they are there.

In all, whether you punish or funish, there are a lot of options for showing a submissive the error of their ways beyond just whipping them.

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