Part 3 – Making Connections
You cannot truly connect with another human being until you have really connected with yourself. Yeah yeah you’ve heard it all before and yeah yeah it is a little corny to say but this does not make it any less… true!
When I am having sex I really like to let myself go and to enjoy the experience as much as is humanely possible, paid or unpaid (and just before you all go hitting the phones asking for a freebie: the only guy I shag for free is my bf … giggle…). I don’t always get it right, I’m human, but I do my best and when I do notice that something either isn’t quite right or is going horribly wrong (again, either with a client or my boyfriend) I will try to correct it. This might mean adjusting position, taking time out, having a chat, trying something completely new or even stopping altogether and going for a walk. It is vitally important to really, really listen to your own bodies (yours and your shag’s/partner’s) So, how do you do that? How do you get out of your left brain (the over-thinking, methodical, clinical ‘head sex’ aspect of our brain) and into your body? How do you truly connect with your humanness? Have you noticed that I’m asking lots of questions? Can you see that I have mentioned the terms ‘human’ and humanness’ a lot? Why?
‘Enough with the questions will you! Just teach me how to wank!’ I hear you holler. Oh don’t mind me, I’m just having a little chat with your subconscious.
Now, the real stuff can start … unzip and drop ‘em. Please read Parts 1 and 2 if you haven’t already and do note that this article and indeed series, is aimed at both men and women, transgendered and all those in between. If I get something wrong or you feel excluded, do get in touch and I will put it right.
I do love a nice wank, don’t you? I just adore to slowly remove my clothes, revealing my body bit by bit, as if seducing myself. Some would call this narcissistic, I call it building self-esteem. Contrary to popular belief (including my own when I’m feeling too full of myself) I actually have to work hard on my self-esteem. My childhood was hard, damned hard and such wounds can take a lifetime to heal. I am telling you this for a reason dear friend reading this now—your body stores memories.
Now you weren’t expecting that were you?
Masturbation releases old patterns, memories and yes trauma. So it is not surprising that sometimes we avoid masturbating because we don’t particularly want to bring all that stuff up and/or we just make do with a quick fumble and think ‘job done’. The job is not done until you feel completely satisfied both emotionally and sexually. It is exactly the same as when you have sex and/or make love—the job is not done until you are both (or more if you are polyamorous) completely satisfied both emotionally and sexually. Stick with me, we are going to get off together.
With everything I have said in mind, I want you to do something for me in a moment. If you are able, in just a second, I want you to unbutton your jeans or drop your skirt. I invite you, regardless of your gender or sexual persuasion, to help you to turn yourself on in a very new and different way. You will never be the same again.
NB: Before we do that; yes I am teasing, it goes with the job, but there is just one important point I need to make before we masturbate together—just wait a moment and have a think. You may already know if you have been abused (either sexually or physically) or you might have a sense that it could have happened. If this is the case or if you suddenly are filled with fright at delving into the enchanted forest with me; do, do, do seek some professional help before you go any further (even if you have already had therapy, do get some extra support before going further). This article isn’t going anywhere and neither am I. We will be here when you get back.
Now, we shall begin.
So you have unbuttoned your jeans, dropped your skirt and unless you go commando, you have your underwear on. Great. Keep it that way for now and take your mind down to your genitals or wherever down there you feel the most sensitive. If you are handicapable you might of course, need your PA, carer or professional sex worker to do some or all of this for you. Cool. Ask them to take their time with your body as you would yourself if you were able. You are the one in control here. This is how masturbation should be. You are the one controlling the pleasure. Your body will follow your mental and physical stimulus and then, and only then can you surrender into what follows. It’s the way things really work. Feel the tingles? Good. There’s more to cum. Sorry, couldn’t resist.
If you can lie down, lie down. If you are sitting upright, exhale deeply and relax your jaw. Soften your hips, knees and ankles if you have them. Slowly make a ‘mental sweep’ of your body and mindfully relax each group of muscles from your head downwards and as you do this, gently rub your perineum (Men: the soft bit between your arse and balls and feels like the muscle you clench when stopping yourself pissing or Ladies: the soft fleshy bit just below the bottom of the vulva/opening of the vagina: slightly up and into your body and feels like the muscle you clench when doing pelvic floor exercises). Play with this for a while and notice where the tingles go. Do they stay down there? Or do they travel?
This is the beginning of teaching yourself how to have a body orgasm and is particularly helpful for people with physical disabilities simply because it shows you that it really, really, isn’t all about the genitals or even how you stimulate them. We really can make magic happen with the right stimulus, the correct attitude and an open mind.
Let’s go deeper, right now…
You are lying down or upright in your chair and you have your pants/skirt round your ankles, you dirty thing you! It feels GREAT to be dirty sometimes. It feels amazing to really let go and let that mischief out. Now let your hands wander wherever they want to. If you are handicapable: instruct your carer etc to stroke you gently and sexually wherever you feel comfortable for them to caress you. Use your mouth to hold a sex-aid or adaptation if you want to do the caressing yourself. Now everyone, go to town: touch your nipples, your ears, inside your elbow, armpit, back of the knees, groin, base of penis, glans, clitoris and of course your penis or vagina (don’t forget your vulva!) but go slow. I want to take my time with you. Let’s take our time. Let’s slow things down. Let us both see what makes us tick by touching ourselves. Slowly.
Really, really, slowly.
By now you will be wet or have pre-cum celebrating your connection with yourself. How does this feel? How does it feel that you did this? You stimulated your own body and sparked up a two way conversation. All the best relationships have this.
Now you can pay a little more attention to your genitals or the part of your body that most pleases you—the soft part of your most erogenous zone that does not limit itself to a localised sensation. That part of your body (and it might or might not be your cock or vagina or clit) that when touched sends pleasure shooting in all directions: shudders through your body and into your mind. When you touch yourself here and when you have this place nourished and caressed, it makes you feel whole. This is true masturbation. This is self love and this is what we really need to be doing to get off.
Let’s get off.
Now let’s bring that solo experience and make something special happen by meeting our experiences and minds right now—you and me.
We are going to make love.
Let’s make love right now.
I love you.
You love me.
We are just human beings and we deserve to be cherished in this way.
Feel the heat going into you wherever into you is.
Feel the Light sending shivers up
Feel the Dark bringing tingles down.
We need both to survive and we need both to breathe.
Breathe in deeply
How was it for you?
NB Please seek medical advice before attempting the exercises mentioned in this article should you require this. Matt cannot be held responsible for any adverse effects experienced as a result of not taking this advice and this article is not to be used in replacement of medical, psychological or emotional support. Please take a look at his forthcoming article ‘A Little Goes A Long Way’ that explains in more detail the more practical, energetic and physical aspects of this way of exploring yourself sexually.