I’m a sex coach. There – I came out! It’s a weird title to have ‘Sex Coach’ because it conjures images of someone standing over you whilst you’re shagging and screaming ‘Yes! Great penetration! Keep at it!’ But a sex coach is simply a therapist who specialises in helping people to get the best out of their sex lives. I also happen to be a sexworker with twenty years experience under my belt. As with all careers mine has evolved and in the context of the job it is becoming more ‘hands off’ and more instructional, supportive and therapeutic.
It’s an exciting place to be and I would love to share this with you.
Over the course of my career I have helped men and women to get in touch with the real them, who they really are and what they really want from their sex lives. When I worked as a professional escort I of course attended hotels and client’s homes to offer what is called an ‘out call’ in ‘The Business’. These were also exciting times for different reasons, sneaking past hotel reception, identifying where the lifts are and being as inconspicuous as possible. Then there is the knock on the hotel room door – who will be on the other side of it? What will he/she want? How can I help him or her?
There is little difference between that and the unknowing of the therapeutic relationship and I will tell you why:
Some years ago I attended a party where the attendees were all sexworkers. The main topic of conversation was what happens ‘when the real session starts’.
In the business, ‘the real session’ happens after the sex. This is well known within the industry. The real session is when the client tells you why they have really booked to see you – they may be lonely, they might be in a sex-less marriage or they might have lost all their sexual confidence.
Reminding you of anything?
The therapeutic relationship. I’ve been a (very loud!) advocate for sex worker’s rights and the sex worker’s valid and valuable role in society as sexual educators and informal therapists. It goes with the job.
In ‘the real session’ the client becomes open, vulnerable (this often happens to us all after climax, it’s a biological and psycho-sexual response to orgasm) and very, very honest. It is at this point that the client moves from what they want(ed) to what they need. This process is both fascinating and saddening all at the same time.
Why the fuck are we all running around grabbing at what we want when all the time what we really need is bubbling underneath the surface? Why have we just spent four hundred quid on being spanked for an hour when all we really needed was a hug? My hugs are free people, roll up…
Notice the next time you have sex (or have a wank/a rumble in the jungle) how you feel before you climax and how you feel afterwards. A little therapeutic trick/identifier for this could be as simple as asking yourself ‘On a scale of one to ten, how relaxed am I?’ and then asking the same question afterwards.
Now do you want to take this to the next level?
‘On a scale of one to ten, how lonely am I?’
I bet you your bottom dollar that you find yourself feeling lonelier afterwards. Why is this? Because we often misinterpret sex for emotion. Now do not misunderstand me – sex is emotion and emotion is sex – but only if you are aware of this and/or you have a regular partner to make love to.
I have said this before and I shall continue to shout this from the rooftops – you can make love on a one night stand.
In order to do this – you need to recognise what you need, rather than what you want.
The tips above will help you to take just one step towards achieving this. I am keeping this as short as possible to keep your attention. I’ll be back, with more help, advice – and love.
Here’s to what you need….
Feel free to get in touch, I’m at: www.sexcoaching.london.
Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
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