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Sexual Performance Anxieties. Can you perform?

Sex Ed

Sexual Performance Anxieties. Can you perform?

I consider myself “sex neutral,” which means that I think sex can evoke all sorts of emotions, and can be beneficial or harmful depending on the circumstances. I think it’s perfectly okay to have tons of sex with a bunch of different partners, or not to have any sex at all. As long as everything is consensual – you do what works for you! I was always very open-minded about sex, even before I started working in the sex industry; in fact, I became an escort largely because of my erotic curiosity. I wanted to try new things, to do something “taboo,” and have adventures with all sorts of people. Sex work has really allowed me to mature as a sexual being. I went from being very unsure of myself, unable to ever reach orgasm with a partner, to being much more confident, knowing what does and doesn’t work for me, and fully satisfied. My life would be much more boring without all the sexual adventures I’ve shared with others.

What is Spectator Sex?

Spectator sex is when you find yourself worrying more about how you look, smell, or sound during sex than about simply enjoying yourself and sexy time with your partner/s. It’s more common for women to experience spectator sex, as we are held to strict beauty standards and generally have more anxiety about our appearance, but men can certainly feel overly self-critical as well. Sex is much more fun when you are fully present in the moment, and spectator sex can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction. But it can be hard to get rid of that anxiety-ridden internal dialogue when we’re in such an intimate state.

Avoid getting distracted during Sex

Unfortunately, many partners seem to lack basic communication during sex. Some people focus only on themselves, or on performing one specific action, rather than the overall vibe. If you’re not tuned in to what the other person is feeling, or their body language, then you are unlikely to realize they are distracted or not “in the moment.” Pay attention to your partner’s body language. Are they “dead fishing”? That’s a huge indicator that maybe they’re not so into what’s happening. When in doubt, simply ask them! “Hey, does this feel good for you?” Checking in during sex is super important, and will make the experience much better. It’s also nice to dole out compliments. Let your partner/s know how attractive you find them, how much fun you’re having just being with them – that will help assuage any anxieties they may be having about their body.

Your first experience with an Escort can be Intimidating

I’ve been many people’s first escort experience. I think newbies are just adorable! They are generally very shy, and hesitant to even touch me. I have a calming demeanor, though, and they usually loosen up a few minutes into our date. I think newbies go in with this media-fueled expectation that the encounter will be robotic, that I’ll be standoffish, and then they realize…. That I’m a person. Just like them! With emotions, desires, and weaknesses. Newbies can be susceptible to spectator sex, too, and it sometimes takes them a few sessions to truly relax and let go. I actually appreciate newbies more than seasoned “hobbyists,” because newbies are generally better at communicating. They ask permission before touching me in certain places, and make sure to stay within my stated boundaries. We can have fun just exploring together. Hobbyists, on the other hand, are often entitled, and want to run through various “menu items” instead of just enjoying the natural flow of our experience together. Newbies don’t really know what to expect, so they’re generally better behaved and very respectful of my own comfort.

Common anxieties during Sex

So many people are overly concerned about their sex being “romantic” and going “smoothly.” The thing is, sex can be kind of awkward. I’ve found I have a better time when I just laugh off anything weird that happens, rather than worrying that it wasn’t “sexy.” People with vaginas might accidentally queef when they change positions. Hey, that’s a funny sound – just laugh at it! Long-lasting sex might get sweaty, and maybe you’ll drip on your partner. That’s kind of gross, but hey, it happens! Take a break to wipe the sweat off your face, and crack a joke about how hot it is. Some bodies just don’t mesh well together in certain positions, so it might take some switching around to find a position that works well for the both of you. That’s fine – just communicate to your partner/s if something isn’t working for you. “Hey, let’s try this instead!” Reel in your anxieties and brush them off. Take a deep breath, and just enjoy the physical sensations happening. Sex should have no expectations other than everyone involved having a good time – so communicate with your partner/s, laugh instead of panicking, and have a blast!

Chelsea is brand new to the Bay Area! She’d love to make new friends – just shoot her an email! Check out her profile below and the links to follow and contact her!

Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock

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Chelsea Lane

Chelsea Lane is an escort and sex worker rights activist on the West Coast. She marches to the beat of her own drum and has an insatiable curiosity. When she’s not with clients, at her college classes, or fighting the latest anti-sexworker maneuver, she can be found hiking forest trails and swimming naked in rivers.


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