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Quick Fix for Sexless Relationships?


Quick Fix for Sexless Relationships?

If you’ve experienced how verbose I am about any sexual or relationship topic, you won’t be surprised to hear me respond NO to the above query.  However, there are two basic questions you can ask yourself to start digging at the foundation of a lacklustre sex life:

  1. What does having sex mean to you?
  2. What does not having sex mean to you?

When I write “mean,” I’m referring to the compelling emotions surrounding these questions.  For example, one woman I presented the first question to exploded, “What does it mean? It means I’m just taking care of my husband like I have to take care of the house, the kids, and my clients at work.”  Yikes.  Lots of underlying resentments. Generally resentments represent needs that aren’t being met.  In this case, she was not feeling nurtured and cared for, and feeling overwhelmed with emotionally managing so many others.

In another case, I asked a male client in a “sexless” marriage what not having sex meant to him.  He sadly replied that he was unable to have a level of closeness and intimacy he craved, intimacy that made him feel good about himself and connected to his wife.  Having sex with his wife validated his self worth as a man and a loving husband.

When sex is “missing” in a relationship, just trying to spice up the excitement level rarely addresses the depth of the hurt, resentments, and walls that have built up. Gently pulling back the layers of hurt and disconnect and replacing them with appreciation and vulnerability (with a kick of creativity) is the best “quick fix” I can recommend.

This article has been republished with permission from our contributing author, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus. Please visit Dr. Jenn’s website to view original post and more of Dr. Jenn’s works.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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Jennifer Gunsaullus

Jennifer “Dr. Jenn” Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor and coach. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. As a sociologist (different than a psychologist or a licensed therapist) she merges a blend of coaching, counseling, education, and awareness-raising in her work. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 20 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives.

Dr. Jenn is a frequent lecturer on relationship and intimacy topics. From wine bars to yoga studies, college classrooms to senior centers, and the LGBT community center to Mensa gatherings, Dr. Jenn offers unique and powerful presentations on healthy communication and fulfilling intimacy. She has also been an adjunct professor for courses including Human Sexuality, Women & Health, and Social Psychology. Dr. Jenn was a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a Sex & Relationship Expert for San Diego Fox 5 News, San Diego Living, and UT-TV. In 2010 she was named one of San Diego Magazine’s “Women Who Move the City.” In addition, she is on the Board of Directors for Jeans 4 Justice, a nonprofit to end sexual violence, and is on the Communications Leadership Team for the nonprofit donor’s circle Women Give San Diego.

Dr. Jenn has been actively involved for many years with Eve Ensler’s play The Vagina Monologues as an actor and director, and was named a “Vagina Warrior” at Cal State San Marcos in 2011. She has an impressive collection of more than 150 episodes of her video podcast show about sexuality & relationships called In The Den with Dr. Jenn. Read below to learn more about this sex talk show, filmed in front of a live studio audience, in San Diego, CA.


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