Tag: Sex

How To Satisfy A Woman During Sex

All things sex related have kept me very curious since I was a teen. Sex is one of life’s many pleasures but it is definitely a pleasure than we should indulge in. The way I view sex is a not only as a normal biological need and drive but as an activity that everybody should enjoy without any attached shame nor should we shame others for things they enjoy. I understand why some may feel bashful about their deepest desires but we all have them and they need to be embraced. I think it would be a shame for a person to miss out on trying something they fantasize about due to lack of opportunity or embarrassment to express their needs. The only real boundaries I see are the law and consent.

Where we differ as individuals is in the activities, fantasies and people that really get us going. Personally, I am very open minded when it comes to all things sexual. I’ve explored many different sexual acts and feel like there’s nothing I could hear about that could really shock me, although I’m sure I’m wrong. I appreciate all types of relationships; monogamous, open, same sex, just do what feels right for you. Personally I view sex and love as two separate entities but obviously the two worlds collide.

What Turns Her On

What really turns me on is watching a man really enjoy the things I’m doing to him. Watching his face, hearing the moaning and sounds that he makes – that turns me on incredibly. Many different things turn me on and it can vary from day to day. I enjoy a sensual experience, passionate kisses, feeling a man’s lips slowly caress my body and inner thighs before eventually making his way to my sweet spot. Occasionally I like to be submissive and be told what to do or have things done to me but often, I like to be in control and dominant and take the lead. Role plays can be a lot of fun as well. Right now at the top of my list would be the “Secretary & Boss” scenario, which turns me on just thinking about it. “Doctor & Patient” hits quite high on this list as well.

Neck kisses, ooohhhh I love neck kisses. I have a few spots and it gets me good, real good! I think the deciding factor on what type of interaction is the chemistry and dynamic between two people. The relationship I have with my sister and best friend are different dynamics even though both are females and of the same age, the dynamic and connection with myself and each man is unique.

One thing I really would like to try personally and am yet to fully explore is bondage and submission. I’ve watched some porn movie clips in the genre and it turns me on incredibly. BDSM seems to range from the quite mild to unbelievably extreme and as a first timer I would keep it fairly mild as a starting point and could only enjoy it fully with someone that I know very well and have a lot of trust in. I think it would help if the dominant had a little experience under their belt as well.

When I think about it, the role plays I mentioned are almost dominant/submissive roles. I think I’m a closet sub!

Know When To Be In Charge

I think an ideal scenario would start with me in control, playing with a guy and really turning him on and teasing him until he can’t handle it anymore and then he takes over and has crazy, hard sex with me because I’ve turned him on so much. There’s something about being at the sexual mercy of the right man that is making me flushed just as I write it.

I have been dominant to men before (Mistress, although I prefer princess) and I have gotten some deep satisfaction out of being in that role. It is a very powerful feeling to have a man on the floor completely at your mercy and willing to do whatever you ask, and it scares me how much I enjoy it! I guess I should consider myself lucky to have experienced so many things.

Mistakes Men Make During Sex

One mistake that anyone at any time can make is the lack of hygiene, and when you are intimate with someone this problem is amplified. I could never have the heart to hurt someone’s feelings so I just ride it out, albeit gritting my teeth.

It may sound strange after mentioning rough sex above but being rough in the wrong ways doesn’t equate to a good time. An example is biting the clitoris, just no, please no never. Ouch! I’m going to say most biting isn’t great for most girls most of the time. I try to ride through bad experiences, they happen and you learn.

Once I had a girl (yep a girl!) scratch deep inside of my vagina with her finger nail, it was incredibly painful, she was aiming for my G-spot and slipped. So basically I’d say if it may draw blood it’s a no. Females are like delicate flowers, we can like it rough but in ways that make us say mmm, not ouch!

Does Size Matter?

No, definitely not. It really is true, it’s the motion in the ocean. Personally most of my pleasure and orgasms come from my clitoris. Normally while I rub it and I’m being fingered so if a finger can do it.. point proven. Some lucky girls can climax from penetration alone, and I have perhaps on two occasions ever but the ratio isn’t very good, so just trust me on that one. All penises are beautiful and fantastic as long as they are clean and healthy.

3 Favourite Positions For Sex

I’ll start with doggy, it’s sexy, it’s deep it feels good it looks good and both parties can access the magical clitoris.

Reverse cowgirl is great. Again it gets nice and deep and the guy has a lovely view, or so I hear. Reverse cowgirl can be a lot of fun to watch if I’m facing a mirror.

Lastly, it may sound boring but I really like a man on top. I like to put my legs over his shoulders and if I rub my clit while he fucks me this is how I can orgasm during sex and I love it. Once I had a guy tell me to hold my legs open while he was on top, it was an incredible turn on, just recalling the fact is an incredible turn on.

My name is Jessie Lee Pierce and I’m an Australia wide personal companion with plans to travel globally. I am 28 and although born in Australia, I am of mixed European nationality. I am a qualified counselor and currently completing a Bachelor of Applied Science. I have also had various roles in the adult industry over the last 10 years.

You can find me on Twitter where I post daily selfies and updates at @JessieMelb
Instagram at @JessieLeeMelb
Scarlet Blue https://scarletblue.com.au/escort/jessie-lee

Images courtesy of Jessie Lee
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July 11, 2016
What Is An Escort And What Does She Do?

Sex is a lot of fun. I don’t see sex as this supreme act where you become connected on a spiritual level nor form a stronger bond as two people in love. The best type of sex is sex with someone on the same level, as two individuals who want each other equally and who are sexually compatible with each other. In my opinion sexual intimacy has nothing to do with romance; sexual intimacy is mind blowing sex in the way that you want it to be and being comfortable enough to do that.

What Makes Me Different And Unique

My interactions with clients are always authentic and genuine, a memorable experience. I only meet a few select patrons. I screen very heavily and if I don’t think we are compatible or I cannot give what the client is seeking (I do very naughty GFE dates) I won’t take the booking. I genuinely love meeting interesting, fascinating people. Words my clients use after meeting me are adorable, delightful, funny, charming, intelligent, gorgeous and great company.

Common Misconceptions About Escorts

I think the most common ones is that escorts do not have any other career options, and that is very much not the case. I have met some of the most intelligent women in this industry, smart as a whip, who escort as a part-time job.

Or that we are badly treated by clients, which could not be further from the truth. My clients are extremely intelligent, kind and generous, and they remember what I like. I love horses so I have been given expensive riding boots and a jumping saddle, and these were very thoughtful gifts. I have been given great business and financial advice too which is very much appreciated by me.

Do You Date?

To be a great private escort you have to be able to give a small piece of yourself to the job. It is very hard to describe what that piece is comprised of to someone who is not a companion. If I have very deep feelings for someone then I don’t want to share that piece of myself with anyone else but my lover. Currently I am involved in competing with my horse as well as completing studies so I don’t have much spare time for a relationship in any case. I am very independent so I’m quite hesitant to start a relationship with someone unless I really, really like them. I do enjoy being in a relationship and especially being in love.

Things To Know Before Dating An Escort

I think a guy needs to be able to fully accept who you are as an individual, your aspirations in life, and that whatever your future may hold, you will always be an ex-escort. It can make them very insecure. If a guy can’t deal with you working while the relationship is still in its very early stages, they will certainly never be able to respect and accept it in the long-term.

Escorting has raised my standards in men, I don’t accept any disrespect, meanness or bad behaviour.

Famke Fonteyn: lithe, elegant blonde high-class GFE escort and luxury companion based in London. Northern European paramour, courtesan, and delightful aficionado. Sassy & Playful | Often passionate, sometimes hilarious, but rarely forgettable. Available worldwide by private arrangement.

Follow and contact her on www.famkelondon.com , Twitter @famkebee and Instagram @famkefonteyn

Images courtesy of www.nadiarose.london
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July 5, 2016
Mistakes Men Make During Sex

I love sex. I’ve always been fascinated by it, and I got into porn not just to have sex, but to make art about it. I’ve always used it as a way to connect with other women. I like to say that sex is like a conversation – a human interaction that can have a lot of different meanings. I’ve never been monogamous and I’ve never been with a man. I have no interest in either.

What Turns Me On

I like getting girls off, and doing it right. I like strap-ons, fisting, group sex, public sex, and pushing extremes. I like submissive girls, butches who can give me a run for my money, and high energy experiences. I love being a porn star.

Do Ladies Satisfy Other Ladies Better?

Women are objectively more likely to get off in a lesbian encounter than a straight one. Lesbian sex has female pleasure as it’s sole focus, and much less weird cultural bullshit wrapped up in it. Plus, it’s a safer activity on many levels so it’s easier to relax.

When I fuck a girl, my whole focus is on her. I also do have a sense of what the things I do feel like – a sort of physical empathy – but mostly I pay attention to her reactions rather than what I would want myself.

Common Mistakes Men Make During Sex

Most of the complaints that I hear about men stem from men being inattentive lovers and not knowing how to touch their bodies.

Your dick matters way less to women than it does to you. Women are much, much less likely to fuck you for your dick than to fuck your dick for you. Don’t send her dick pics unless she asks, and if you do send them, make sure the energy in the pictures is “I am so turned on by you, personally” and not “I have this thing I want you to touch.” Don’t make the sex all about your dick. Make it about the connection, and use all the parts of your body as a tool to foster it.

Speaking of dicks, size isn’t the end all be all. Sure, there are size queens out there, but even for a size queen, just being hung doesn’t make you good. On the other end of the spectrum, just because you have a small dick, it doesn’t mean you can’t satisfy your partner.

If you want to have good sex with women, focus on them during sex. Pay attention to their pleasure instead of just yours. Rather than touching her boobs in a way than turns you on, touch them in a way that turns her on (which will still turn you on.) Sex is best when you’re open to learning.

Lily Cade is “Porn Valley’s Gold Star Lesbian” and a veteran adult performer and director. She’s known for her strap-on skills, her aggressively passionate sex scenes, and her characters such as “Officer Cade” and “Kristen Grey.”

Follow her on LilyCade.com, Twitter @lily_cade and Instagram lily_cade

Catch Lily Cade in her upcoming work:

Evil Lesbian Stepmother, coming soon from FillyFilms.com, is my latest movie. In my first “Milf” role, I tackle the popular incest genre in my own delightfully twisted way. The movie stars Bianca Breeze, Piper Perri, Mona Wales, Lana Lovelace, RenéeRoulette and Summer Day.

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June 24, 2016
Girl on Girl Porn

My approach to sex with anyone, male or female is always mental first. The reason for this is you know there is a chemistry there and that the levels of fun you may get too can be extreme and a wild ride, maybe even a sensual erotic ride, depending on the person and the activities. Don’t take your clothing off too fast, you may miss the best parts.

First Girl on Girl Experience

I remember high school, playing with a boy and adding a girl to the mix, it was subtle, but enough to spark my interest that is for sure.

Male and females touch differently so the feeling, the softness, the kissing, the hand holding, it is more gentle. I love to add a female to the mix, it is an exciting fully toy.

Why Men Love It

More is better, right? You have a man that is heterosexual and you give him one female, it is awesome. You have a straight man, a couple of girls, and it is like heaven raining down on him. More is better, we all like to binge, so what is the best binge than what turns you on the most sexually and getting it all as fast and furious as possible with as many partners as possible.

Does Being Female Make It Easier To Satisfy Another Female?

Everyone must realize that there is discovery to be had before playtime. This current generation is so quick to jump into sexual acts but I feel they are lacking on why the act is so important and the impact it may actually have if done properly or correctly. I have found if I am playing with a younger female, a lot of guidance is needed. All females are different, they like to be touched different, there are so many ways of stimulating and so many ways of killing a mood if the foreplay is not there.

So, my answer is a solid hard NO, being female does not make things easier if you do not put in the effort for the individual, you just seem like a bumbling idiot. So, instead of taking gender as a cheat sheet, take your time and explore your partner as a person and don’t just put another notch on your bedpost.

Favourite Girl on Girl Positions

All of them, starting from hugging and kissing to burying my face in the back of her neck and taking a long slow deep breath to inhale her scent.

Follow Joclyn Stone on Twitter (@JoclynStone) and her website http://www.joclynstone.com

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June 23, 2016
The World Of High Class Male Escorts

SHE is well educated, well spoken and very well groomed: an attractive blonde in her 30s used to men hitting on her in bars. So why did ”Eva”* pay a man to have sex with her? And how did that encounter lead her, a single mother with a full-time professional job, into secretly running a male escort business?

About two years ago, fed up with internet dating and the desultory randomness of the bar scene, but missing male company, Eva toyed with the idea of using a male escort.

Ignoring the storm of censorial voices inside her head, all screaming variations of ”nice girls don’t do that” and worse, she started searching online.

”It was very hard; there wasn’t much out there. I rang one of the places and they never returned my phone calls.” She ran hot and cold on the idea for six months.

Then she found ”Steve”, a solo operator online. ”I was very lucky,” she says, having now a better idea of what is out there (not much). Steve sent her a picture. They exchanged texts. She wanted to ask all sorts of questions about how it would work, but didn’t feel confident enough to have those sorts of conversations.

So she leapfrogged her doubts entirely and arranged for him to come to her house.

”It was nerve-racking but I was also excited. The anticipation, thinking, ‘Oh goodness, what am I doing?’ ” she says. ”When I opened the door, I just went ‘phew’. He was gorgeous, beautifully presented and he made me feel at ease. He worked very hard to make me feel comfortable.”

That encounter resulted in Eva and a friend setting up an exclusive escort business, MyMaleCompanion, for professional women like themselves who were well-off, but stressed or time-poor and wanted male company and sex on their own terms. About 40 per cent of jobs don’t involve sex; the clients just want the male company.

For Eva, hiring Steve was an overwhelmingly positive experience that she doesn’t regret.

But she knows that she is totally kicking against societal and possibly biological norms. Some men pay for sex, always have, probably always will. But women? It’s a fraught issue, especially as prostitution is one of the most divisive issues among feminists.

Eva finally confessed to her friend ”Julie”, and was more relieved than she expected that her friend didn’t recoil in horror. Julie’s reaction was positive: ”That’s great! How much better is that? You didn’t have to go out all night, didn’t have guys sleazing on you all night, the whole internet dating.”

Was it just about the sex? Eva said no. ”We sat on the lounge and he held my hand and stroked my hair and we talked. I enjoyed that as much as the sex, though the sex was great.”

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Eva and Julie figured that they were pretty normal, intelligent women and if they were interested in being able to have company or sex on their terms, others would, too, and that male escorts for women could be normalised or at least destigmatised.

My Male Companion has up to eight male escorts working in Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane. In two years of operation, Eva says hundreds of women have used the service, and they are getting so many men wanting to work for them that they have started charging for a full interview. Eva agrees to interview only about one in 10 applicants.

Eva says it’s difficult to find a good male escort because it’s not enough to be attractive physically. ”The perception of a lot of men who come into this work is it’s all about sex, but it’s not. It’s about making the women feel special,” Eva says.

So what kind of woman pays for sex? Eva says most clients are in their 30s and 40s though some are older. Most are attractive, professional, normally confident women who go to water when they contemplate hiring a male escort. A lot of Eva and Julie’s time is spent reassuring women and answering lots of questions.

She blames this on the fact that women who are very open about their sexual needs or sexuality are ”still labelled and judged”.

”We help women feel good about their choices, give them confidence that if this is something they want to do, they’re allowed to,” Eva says.

What she loves about the business is that so many clients who have agonised over it, contact her afterwards to say it was amazing. ”The feedback I get most is ‘that was a whole lot of fun’.” But they’re not about to tell their friends. ”We’re still very much in the closet. I think women want to do this, but they’re like me, it might take them six months thinking about it before they do it.”

Steve, the first male escort Eva hired, ended up working for her. He is My Male Companion’s most popular escort and will wine and dine a woman for $250 an hour – or have sex with them for $500 an hour, minimum booking of two hours. A full day can cost $15,000.

Steve, who moved here from Europe, lives in Sydney but travels, mainly to Melbourne and Brisbane, for one-off and regular clients. Sometimes he is hired just to spend the day with a woman and her children – ”looking after the children, walking in the park or with the dogs, cooking a meal together. Sometimes it’s to make an ex jealous.”

He says the income is good but not the primary motivator.

”In a selfish way I feel pleasure by giving pleasure and by giving I receive, that’s what counts.”

www.mymalecompanion.com.au

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May 24, 2016
A Lasting Impression

I wanted to add something to the Core Erotic Theme (CET)/our children developing ideas around sex and sexuality while they are young topic.

A male friend of mine and I were having a discussion about porn and erotic literature. We just recently uncovered that something he used to do as a tween has had a profound impact on his adult sex life! WOW. Imagine that. (said sarcastically. For those of you who are new to reading my blog and haven’t heard me rant about “talking to your kids early and often”, this is my mantra).

The back-story here is when he was 12 he began to read Penthouse Forum magazines (he won’t reveal his source or exactly how he came in possession of the “literature”). He would scan the articles and select one based on topic and length. (Size queen? Jk). He said articles that were too short weren’t worth unzipping his fly. When he found one that was appealing, he would commence… do I really need to spell it out here??

This friend was particularly aroused by the stories in Forum that contained what we are lovingly referring to as “the change up” – a typical non-sexual situation turning into something sexual. You know, those instances where the housewife greets the pizza delivery boy and seduces him, or the handy man replacing a light bulb has his pants pulled down around his ankles while he is on the ladder. Those fantasies from his youth were arousing to him then and, until recently, he didn’t realize the lasting impact this had on his sex life. Yet he packed it away into the recesses of his mind and started unpacking because of our open discussions about turn-ons and our basic Core Erotic Themes. So now he understands why, as an adult, he still enjoys fantasizing about the neighbor’s wife, being fondled while doing household chores, and for some inexplicable reason gets aroused whenever someone delivers a pizza.

For parents of tweens: Make sure you are communicating with your children about what they know or are experiencing. Do not assume your children are not exploring their own bodies. Here’s some news for you… the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine 2010 reports by age 14-15, 67.5% of boys had already masturbated in their lifetime, not to mention that 13% of them had already received oral sex from a female in their 14-15 year “lifetime”. Correspondingly, for 14-15 year old girls, 43.3% had masturbated and 10.1% had received oral sex from a male in their lifetime. What is not clear to me from the data is if the girls had masturbated to orgasm, or if they know what female orgasm is?

The stuff your kids are doing and seeing NOW is having a lasting impact on their budding sexuality. If you suppress it, repress it, or otherwise make sex shameful, it may have an adverse effect on how they express themselves sexually as adults. If you talk about fantasy etc. now, they are more likely to have a healthier, sex-positive attitude when they are adults.

I understand: this is tough stuff! As a mother, I get nervous thinking of my own daughters engaging in sexual behavior at what seems to be a young age. I want to make sure I keep their little life rafts moored to the mother ship so they always know they can come to me with questions and that I’ll do my best to answer them. It’s ok to acknowledge your discomfort. It’s ok to say you don’t know the answer but offer to research it together. But please do NOT lie or make shit up. It only pushes your children away from you. If you lie to them and they find out the “real” answer, you will have proven to them that you don’t know what you are talking about. Our kids already think they know-it-all, let them at least know the truth.

For you parents, I want you to remember your own youth. Remember how awkward and uncomfortable it was with all of those hormones and breast buds and first periods or cracking voices and facial hair and growing pains. Did you go through all that alone? Wouldn’t it have been better if a loving, caring adult in your life talked to you about it? Ok, of course lots of you are going to cringe at the thought of your own uncool parent discussing sex but are you so uncool yourself? I know plenty of adults who would rather have someone else have these conversations with their children for them but, really?? Don’t YOU want to stay informed and involved?

This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
Please visit Lanae St.John’s website to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

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May 13, 2016
Don’t Let Your Virgin Sex Experience Be Awkward

I am a virgin but my partner is definitely more experienced than me. Is there anything I can do to not make things weird or awkward on the first time?

My short answer to your question is, communicate! I would encourage both of you to have a conversation before you guys decide to have sex for the first time as a couple and for you the first time ever. I don’t mean have a conversation as your clothes are coming off but rather a few days or even weeks before you anticipate the big moment happening.

You guys don’t have to come up with a play by play (unless you want to of course) but instead talk about some things you can prepare for; like deciding where your first time is going to be (maybe the bed, maybe the shower, who knows!) or whether or not you guys will be using condoms*. These decisions that can be made and talked about ahead of time and can make the anticipation leading up to the first time more enjoyable and less stressful for you.

If having a conversation before the sexy-time doesn’t feel like preparation enough you could also have some sexy-time by yourself (if you don’t already do that). Masturbating can help you figure out what feels good for you to be able to guide your partner when you guys are working up to having sex for the first time.

*I’m assuming you will be engaging in penetrative sex with a male partner; my sincerest apologies if I have assumed wrong.

Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com!

Nicole is currently in school obtaining her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from Smith College with a focus on LGBTQ issues and couples/marriage therapy. Nicole hopes to become a certified sex therapist to continue educating clients and helping people advocate for and embrace their sexuality. Read the rest of her profile below and the links to follow her!

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May 11, 2016
I Fantastize About My Wife Having Sex With Other Men

When I have sex with my wife, I fantasize about her with another guy which enables me to reach a orgasm faster. Does this mean there is a cuck possibility in me?

Clearly you fantasize about being a cuckold husband so you have the potential to be a cuck. The question is are you now or will you ever be ready for the real thing.

It is very easy for a man to become overwhelmed and allow his sexual fantasizes to run wild – it’s a hormonal thing.

If you want to be a real cuckold who is faithful to his wife and supports her sexual freedom and extramarital activities, you need to step back and consider several things.

First and foremost, why do you want to be a cuckold; what is it that excites you about another man having sex with your wife?

There are three themes or motivating factors for a cuckold; bisexuality, voyeurism and submission-humiliation.

Is your desire to be a cuckold a covert way of sabotaging your marriage -or- getting your wife to allow you some extra-marital dalliances?

Is your marriage strong enough to the stresses that involving a third party might cause?

Aside from the sex why would your wife enjoy being a hot-wife?

Have you considered how your marriage might change after telling your wife about your fantasy and further how it might change if she went ahead and acted on it?

How would you feel if your wife began having more sex with another man than she has with you?

How would you feel if your wife rarely or never had sex with you anymore but instead saved herself for her lover?

One thing you might try is doing a thought-experiment. When you are in a public place with your wife, look at the men walking by and silently imagine how you would feel if some of them were having sex with your wife. It is important to do this exercise while you are with your wife when you are not sexually aroused.

In this situation you might find that the idea of some random guy having sex with the woman you married to be quite stressful.

This is a very complex topic and I welcome follow-up questions.

Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com!

Steve is a middle-aged husband and father living in the northern US. By day he works as a technical analyst/project manager for a large company by night he explores the depths of alternative sexual lifestyles – mostly involve female-led relations.

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May 4, 2016
What Counts As Cheating?

What constitutes cheating? Is flirting with strangers cheating? Or only when there is physical contact such as a kiss or having sex?

In my personal opinion, I would include flirting, as cheating.

Cheating can be physical or emotional, so even if a person hasn’t had a physical affair, an emotional affair is just as bad in my opinion. If a partner is texting another woman or man and is flirty or suggestive, there is something very wrong in that person’s relationship for them to put themselves out there in a way that their partner should only be seen.

It’s possible their needs are not being met and that is why they are looking elsewhere, or they may have an issue with monogamy, depending on the situation and person involved.

Have a question on your mind related to sex? Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com!

Christy Goldstein specializes in relationships and how to be successful in dating. If you’re looking for direction in your relationship, Christy will act as your best friend. Read the rest of her profile below!

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May 2, 2016
My boyfriend Watches More Porn Than He Tells Me

I think my boyfriend watches much more porn than he lets on. Should I be concerned?

Not necessarily.

Whether there’s cause for concern depends on why there is deception (if there is deception), and not in the fact that we’re talking about porn. It would concern me just as much if he’s not letting on how much candy he eats behind your back, or how much he’s obsessed with a TV show.

In other words, the object of affection/interest/obsession is not a problem – there are plenty of ways to consume porn, eat candy, or watch TV without it being a problem. But there are only a few healthy reasons for hiding or deceiving your partner about anything.

If indeed he is being deceptive, is it because he wants privacy? If so, that’s OK. Does he feel like it’s a man thing, an alone thing, or something just for him? That’s OK too. In fact, it’s healthy for couples to have some separation, to have worlds where you travel alone. It creates room to keep growing (yes, even through porn) and a reason to keep getting to know each other.

Or is it that he feels a bit embarrassed? Or think (or know) that you’ll judge him? Or believe that you’d try to stop him? These are OK and understandable. And also changeable.

If you don’t have a strong repulsion to porn, and you wish that your boyfriend would be more open about his use, I’d suggest you make more room in your relationship to talk about porn. You can be indirect and curious, just to open the topic, “How old were you when you first saw porn? I hear that boys these days are watching it at 10. I found my parent’s tapes when I was 13 and was totally confused”. You can be direct and open, “Hey love, just so you know, I’m cool with you watching porn. I know that some guys hide it because they think they have to. But I don’t want you to hide it. And I’ll still give you privacy”.

If you have a strong repulsion to porn, I would suggest that you do some work for yourself, to get a more realistic idea of what porn is and can be. You don’t have to love porn or watch it, that’s not the goal. But you might benefit from a more peaceful relationship to it. Many people feel repulsed by what they imagine porn to be – perhaps informed by a few things they’ve seen that disgusted them or hurt them – and they remain wounded and easily inflamed by the thought of it. And this sensitivity becomes a problem when loved ones can’t be open with them, for fear of judgement. Here is a great article on feminist porn.

What would concern me is if he’s hiding it because he is become dependent on (a.k.a. addicted to) it. Porn use, like any substance use, becomes a problem when you don’t feel normal or can’t carry out daily functions without it. Often porn dependence comes with behaviors you can spot: Startle responses when you walk into a room unexpectedly, unexplainable spending, reluctance to travel (and be away from the source) or agitation when away, sneaking out of bed or unexplained absences, and dissatisfaction or disinterest in real-life sexual scenarios (because they pale against porn). If you do notice these kinds of patterns, have a conversation about it ASAP. Here are some ideas on how to intervene.

And of course, if you don’t feel strong repulsed, and he’s not being particularly deceptive, and you’re not feeling left out, there really is no cause for concern!

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Karen B. K. Chan is a sex educator, emotional literacy trainer, and speaker in Toronto, Canada. Above all, she’s dedicated to widening the definitions of what’s erotic, cultivating ease and acceptance, and proving that emotional literacy, play, and honesty are sexy. Read the rest of her profile below!

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April 27, 2016