SimplySxy

Tag: Men

  • Cuckold Relationships

    Cuckold Relationships

    As a couple gets comfortable with a cuckold lifestyle their sexual attitudes and activities often change.

    For the woman there is often a sense that sexual pleasure is something she has a right to enjoy.  The woman’s sense of sexual entitlement sometimes leads into her increasingly dominating her cuckold.  In contrast, the cuckold may feel sexual pleasure for him is secondary or something he has to earn.  The ways and type of sexual pleasures a cuckold earns is generally left to the woman.

    Some women may enjoy limiting the frequency or type of sexual pleasure that their cuckold has – some examples of this might be;

    • The cuckold must wear a condom when he is allowed to have sex with the woman even though she doesn’t use one with her other partner.
    • The cuckold is not allowed to ejaculate inside the woman as this privilege is reserved for her boyfriend/lover.  This rule is sometimes combined with the condom one so that the cuckold must stop having coitus before he ejaculates, withdraw and finish by masturbating while wearing the condom.
    • The woman no longer gives the cuckold oral sex even though she gives it freely to her lover and the cuckold must provide it to her whenever she wants.
    • The cuckold is restricted from having any regular sex with the woman.

    Many men find that their feelings of sexual arousal become heightened after becoming a cuckold.  Similarly their interest in sex becomes much more focused on their partner’s activities and pleasure.

    Over time the woman might find a regular boyfriend/lover whom they share a bond with.  At the same time, the cuckold may find ways of pleasing his lady apart from regular, penetrative sex.  For example, some cuckolds learn to give their lady a great massage or pedicure.  While the cuckolds have less traditional sex they sometimes learn to derive emotional pleasure from doing other sexual or non-sexual things for their wives/girlfriends.

    Some women may find that they enjoy having several boyfriend or lovers while others only want one extra partner at a time.

    One issue some women experience is that their boyfriend/lover wants to them leave or divorce themselves from their cuckold.  In these cases, the women often end the relationship.  To avoid this problem, it is best for the woman to make her status and intentions clear at the outset.  Some women actually seek out boyfriends/lovers who are married since they are much less likely to become demanding because they need to keep their activities secret.

    Other changes in the couples relationship might include:

    • The woman taking trips and vacations with her lover.  These might be trips where the lover accompanies the woman and cuckold.  For others, it usually means the woman goes off with her lover leaving her cuckold at home – usually to do chores.
    • At times, the cuckold might be required to seek out new potential boyfriends or lovers for the woman.
    • The cuckold sometimes chauffeurs the woman and her lover on a special date.

    Steve O: Emotional Responses in Cuckold Relationships

    Read Steve’s latest article on Cuckoldry & Pornography on SimplySxy.com!

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • The Morning After Sex

    The Morning After Sex

    Was it good for you?  That should be the first question that comes to mind after a night of sex with a new partner.  You can rate it 1-10 if you like, but you may find the feelings are more like “Hell Yeah!” you don’t want it to end, or what the hell was I thinking?  Or how drunk was I?  Or worse, I thought that was going to be good sex.  Let’s look at what to do before and after:

    Hell Yeah, that was great and I hope we can do it again soon.  Well then do.  Touch your partner again and let new sparks fly with the lights on, I bet it will be even better.  Either way, pull out another condom or the first one if you forgot last night and smile.  Don’t be afraid to make the first move now, I think you’ve successfully made a home run and you can go up to bat again, unless of course there is work or school responsibilities which either of you have to get too.   If so, tell your partner you would love to do it again if it’s true, but you gotta go.  Elayne Boosler does a comedy routine about a female walking home from an all nighter in her skimpy black dress in the morning that’s pretty funny to have in your head while you make your exit.  Accept that your partner may have to run or may not feel the same about the night.  If so, be gracious say thanks for the good time you had and leave.  Don’t lie with an ‘I’ll call you’, just don’t.

    How drunk was I?  Alcohol, weed or other drugs helps you drop your guard and your judgement.  Or as my Mom would say, ‘you loose your good sense along with your drawers (panties)’.  You may be drunk but there is no reason to take stupid risks.  Use your drunkness to help you relax and get past your fears of trying something or someone new, asking the Tough Questions and learning more about your partner.   The downside of not asking are quite serious so let’s look at the way to make them opportunities:

    • Did you talk about safe sex?  Use your uninhibited boldness for good and blurt it out: ‘Are you disease free?’ or ‘Is there something I should know about sex with you?’
    • Did you use protection?  Again, automatic behaviours like pulling out the condoms or dental dam from your purse or pocket makes it clear that you play safe.
    • What’s in it for me?  My husband taught me this one, that if you don’t ask, you don’t get.  So if the kissing is good and you are feeling the heat of passion, whisper in the ear that sexual move that really rocks your boat and guarantees a happy ending for you.  Then ask what they like as well.
    • Where we going?  This is a toughie when you are young and living at home.  If it’s his place, you gotta have a back up plan.  Back in the 80’s when I started, stumbling into a guys trashy apartment was such a turn off, I was afraid to turn on the lights.  And when morning came I was so grossed out that I left right away.  But if either of your places is out of the question, the back of a car option will have to do.  It’s a classic place if you have a car, and then you only have to worry about location.  Keep a pillow, blanket, condom, and tissues for clean up at all times in the car please!  Stay in the parking lot with the other night partiers is better than driving off to some place darker and quieter where the cops or burglars may interrupt you.

    I thought this was going to be good sex.  But instead it was like flopping around with a dying or dead fish.  Good sex is a skill that takes practice.  Nobody starts off as a great lover, so going slow and enjoying the steps of building passion is the best advise I can give you for knowing what you like and learning what your partner likes.  Good sex in my bed means both partners had an orgasm inducing experience.   And if you didn’t orgasm and your partner did and fell asleep right away, that makes for a long uncomfortable night of not sleeping and getting mad when they start to snore.   So let’s go back and analyse this one:

    1.  If you can ask for a drink, you can ask for an orgasm.  Remember what my husband said, you gotta ask for what you want.  I know by now you can order off a menu, so you also need to ask for the experience you want to have.  You have a fantasy about what great sex will be like, so share your fantasy.  Whisper it in your partners ear prior to removing clothes so it gives them time to think and plan better or ask you for details.  Communication is Sexy.  Anyway you say it, shy, bold, flirty is adding the instructions to create a good experience.

    2.  No two bodies are alike.  Your erogenous zones are not like the others.  Again, you wouldn’t know if you don’t ask.  Play the game, ‘how does this feel?’  Try something, get a response and then say ‘your turn’.  This gets you in the practice of exploring the right direction instead of wasting time irritating your partner with the wrong stroke, while they are silently hoping you’ll change positions or move to something else.

    3.  Don’t stop talking now.  Speak up once you get into bed.  “Stay here”, “move to the left”, “sit back a little”, “touch me back please”.  All these key phrases go a long way in getting a mutually satisfying experience.  I think the biggest mistake couples make is that they stop talking when they get in bed together.  You can’t go into automatic pilot now, you both have to steer to get where you want to go.

    4.  If you are with a dead fish, pause for a moment and ask if they are comfortable and where they would like to be touched or what would feel good for them.  They may not know so play the ‘how does this feel game’ and get the communication going.  If you are with a flopping fish ask them to lay back and let you play a little more.  It’s your way of taking the lead and taking the pressure off your partner’s urgency to get there orgasm.

    Remember, your first priority is YOU. Your satisfaction, health, respect, feelings.  That will take communicating with your partner on how to get there and in turn, you both learn how to take care of yourself.  That way they don’t have to wish they read this article because you’ve just trained them.

    The Tough Questions – Pregnancy, STD’s, Marks, Bruises or Pain.  These are all serious morning-after questions and you can avoid most of them if you communicate before hand.  Informed consent is the responsibility of both partners.  Making the decision to have sex is something you do before, as it saves on the regrets later.

    Will they call again?  Maybe, but the question for you is ‘was the experience worth repeating?’  Did you want more just like it was or did you hope to improve it next time?  Look at the experience as a one time event and judge whether you would do it again based on what you know now.  If you liked it, be thankful and the opportunity for it repeating will come again.  If not, focus on what shifts you need to make to get the experience you want.  You want to repeat the fun experiences, not the bad ones so learn from them and make it the best sex ever!

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

    Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

     

    Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

    Ready for a new emotion?  Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”.  It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

    So why am I jealous?  As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving.  But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

    Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn.  I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does.  After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode.  Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks.  That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

    I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack.  Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go.  I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break.  But how could I break free of the green stain?

    With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm.  I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change.  At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy.  Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

    “Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.  This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

    Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else?  Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love.  Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge.  I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

    Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs.  Philia is the bond of friendship.
  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship.  (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

    There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

    Storge is the familial love of parent to child.  Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined.  It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

    Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship.  We can replace jealousy with joy.

    You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion.  Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college.  There is pride of being a part of making that success happen.  And I like being a part of someone’s success.

    Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution.  By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts.  If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

    Now have I done it?  Not every time, but I’m working on it.  It’s not like one day you wake up compersed.  It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice.  And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it.  I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there.  No need to replay the old tapes.  My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger.  I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well.  It’s that simple and that difficult.  But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

    Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Is Hypnosis with Sex, a One Hit Wonder?

    Is Hypnosis with Sex, a One Hit Wonder?

    Following on from the response from my previous editorial, I have been invited to share my professionalism further by posing the question: How far could one go utilising hypnosis with sexual behaviour?  In response, one could go just as far with hypnosis as one could in experimental sex, drawing on positions and techniques.  After all, I believe it is widely acknowledged that the brain, or to be precise, the Pituitary Gland aspect of the human brain, although, physically is the diameter of a pea, secretes the endocrine hormone: Melanocyte –stimulating hormone into the wider brain making it the largest sex organ in human nature.  Therefore, gentlemen and ladies, there does not need to be any occupation of any anxiety, stress, depression and performance anxiety relating to the size of yours, or your partners penis and its function in the expression of your sexual behaviour?  Or does there?

    Unfortunately, there has over many thousands of years, especially in western culture, been an emphasis on marking sexual virility, ability, strength in battle and paralleling that within the bed chamber.  Thus, culturally speaking, if one is well rehearsed and resilient with a sword, or, in some other masculine roles that displays awe, then he is bound to be the best lover for any woman or man, see Verinis and Roll, (1970, p.126) in their works ‘Primary and Secondary Male Characteristics: The Hairiness and Large Penis Stereotypes’ where they imply a stereotype of men with a larger sized penis was an indication of enhanced masculinity, virility, potency, power and activity, in contrast to men with smaller penises.

    Therefore, it does not seem too difficult to conceive the idea that men, who buy into the notion that guys with larger penises are more professionally skilled, have supposed greater sex performances and are perceived to have little anxiety in much of their performances in life.  I hear you asking, what of those men who perceive themselves or their partners to have smaller, or below national average for whatever country you happen to belong?  The answer is simple; most men with an average sized penis in fact perceive themselves to be much smaller than what they are in reality as they view their penis from above by glancing over their stomachs.

    Although, there are some men with small penises, ‘micro penises’, which are few and far between that do exist in all areas of society, western, or, eastern.  Wylie and Eardley (2007, p. 1449-1455) presented a very easy table of penis measurements in their academic journal – Penile size and the ‘small penis syndrome’ which is located in the British Journal of Urology International, 99(6), Theory of Medicine.  However, unfortunately, the man creates a low self-esteem regarding his penis size, stature, which fluidly umbrellas his perception and ability to perform etc.  This anxiety can be inadvertently fulfilled by viewing men with above national average penises in pornography, in a sports gym, or, standing at the urinal in a public lavatory where it can be common place to notice other men’s penis size from a side aspect – viewing the full penis size in reality, not perceived.

    The question you are all asking is, how do we treat it and can hypnosis assist in the treatment process?  The answer is yes, it is treatable and yes, hypnosis can assist as a fundamental aspect of psychotherapy.  There is a 50% chance that sexual dysfunction (i.e. arousal problems, Premature Ejaculation, Satisfaction, Sexual Dysfunction, Erectile Dysfunction etc) is medical or psychological.  It is imperative that you contact a medical doctor or psychologist to diagnose you and decide whether your condition is one of the two.  Although there is medical and psychological evidence that suggests the two merges into each other: chicken or egg, they would still require to be treated separately.  You can then be treated via a psychotherapist who is comfortable or specialised in sex therapy to work through the triggers and issues that are influencing the psychological aspect of the condition – this is where one can utilise hypnosis to place suggestions in the man’s unconscious and re-frame thoughts to influence his behaviours.  This is where I often use hypnosis in my private practice, although, it is not often used in the wider health service.

    How can hypnotic sex treat poor performance?  Hypnosis can enhance sexual performance by him visiting a sex therapist and him learning to relax and be at one with his body (penis specifically).  The psychotherapist can teach him to visualise greater sexual performances.  Additionally, ego boosting is an excellent way to experience a feel-good factor, and depending on how complex the man’s issues are, there are exceptional analytical approaches to psychotherapy to delve deeper into the unconscious.  Such therapy work of delving deeper would be to locate a root cause and effect that influences a lack of sexual confidence, performance anxiety for example.  As mentioned in my previous article, ‘Hypnotic Sex’, I explained further about Freud’s analytical therapy.  However, to highlight a approach or two, there is free association, hypnosis, and dream analysis.

    To understand further of how I perform a therapy session, and how I utilise hypnosis, you can read about a couple of my professional secrets in my next article.

    Giles Dee-Shapland

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Being a Tease sometimes gets you nowhere

    Being a Tease sometimes gets you nowhere

    Last Saturday, when I was walking down the stairs in my building, I met one of my neighbours.  She is a lovely girl in her mid twenties.  She has lived in the building for a few years and we sometimes have a coffee together or share a bottle of wine.  I could see that she had been crying and I asked her what had happened.  She told me the guy she was dating had just dumped her.  When I asked her why, she said he had told her he could not take any more of her games.  I knew immediately what had happened.  Let’s call her Maria.  Maria likes to tease.  With teasing, I mean in a sexual way.  She once told me she loved making a guy hot and wanting her, and then leave him hanging.  I guess this guy got tired of it and left her.  After some small talk I continued on.

    When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I did the same as Maria.  I would meet guys and then turned them on just to leave them with their dicks hard and no fun.  I guess I did it to feel I had power over them and that they wanted me.  Some would beg me to let them get their way and release the pressure building in their balls.  At the time I was no virgin, far from it.  Maybe it was just my own insecurity as a young woman that brought on this behaviour.  Many of my friends would do the same thing and we would laugh and make fun of the poor guys.

    Then I met a man, we can call him John.  John was in his late thirties and gorgeous.  He had a beautiful apartment, a nice car and was a good dresser.  We would go out and dance, and eat together.  I really liked him, but I could not let go of my wicked ways.  When we would snuggle up on the sofa and he would kiss me I would play along and go as far as touching him over his pants.  I would let him touch my tits and run a hand up my thighs, but never touch any important parts.  This went on for weeks.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have sex with him.  I just thought that I had more control over him by doing what I did.

    After a couple of months into the relationship he invited me for a late lunch at his apartment.  When I arrived, he had roses waiting for me and a box of chocolates for dessert.  He had made a beautiful shrimp salad, and there were two bottles of white wine in the fridge.  I had dressed for the occasion in a white summer dress, no bra and only bikini panties.  I knew he could see my nipples press against the fabric and I loved it.  He was in jeans and a polo shirt showing off his strong body.

    tease-300x215After we ate, we had coffee and dessert on the balcony looking out over a park.  We had finished almost all the wine and I was tipsy.  I figured this was the day I would let him go all the way so I began to run my hands over his chest and we kissed.  The kiss became deeper and we moved inside.  He was so hot and so was I we never made it to the bedroom.  He took off my dress and I helped him out of his jeans.  When we were both naked, I lay down on the floor and he knelt between my legs.  His cock was hard and I couldn’t wait to try it.  He lay down over me and I felt him press against me and sighed with pleasure.

    Then he stood up and began to dress, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, but I should get up and get dressed.  I didn’t understand what was happening, I felt so exposed there lying naked on the wood floor, my legs spread and my most secret spot open and wet. He looked down at me and said, “Get up, get dressed, and get out of here.” Shocked, I asked, “Why? What did I do wrong? You can’t leave me like this.” He just looked down at me and with a sigh he said. “Now you know how I have felt for the last months. You are a tease, and I want nothing to do with you.”

    When I took the elevator down I had tears in my eyes, I felt so stupid, and so frustrated.  But I had learned my lesson; you could only go so far before the guy has had enough.

    I am not saying it is wrong not to want to have sex, but if you don’t want because of a specific reason, tell the guy, don’t play games.  Dress as sexy as you want, but don’t lead him to think he might get something you know he won’t.

    Read more articles and points of views from Natasha here. Photos courtesy of Shutterstock.

  • Cheated? 5 simple ways to move on

    Cheated? 5 simple ways to move on

    While I do not wish for myself or anyone else to go through the same agony, it is inevitable that some of us would have been cheated on at some point in time be it whether the relationship has run its course or well … the other party has decided that the grass could be crispier on the other side.  Even though I am now in a perfectly happy relationship with my adorably insufferable new beau, I can easily recall those hellish sleepless nights whereby I had spent them unearthly hours trying to rationalize and figure out why things turned out the way they did.  Moving on was exceptionally hard for me, given that it was my first real relationship—spanning half-a-decade—and my immediate instinct was to shut myself from the rest of society and immerse in work.  While my productivity definitely reached an all-time high, I was feeling like a pathetic rat every single day.  I eventually had an epic breakdown before picking up what remained of my miserable self.  It was not after when the ex tried to establish contact several months later to express his regrets and to seek a chance for reconciliation then did I realize that moving on was the best decision that I had made.  By cheating on me, he was essentially the one who could not come to terms with himself and chose to run away from his own insecurity issues.  If you are currently holding onto a destructive relationship that can no longer be salvaged, perhaps it is now the time to re-evaluate your situation.  Here are some ways that I have helped myself to move on:

    Friends and parents

    One of the best ways to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer functional is to come to terms with it and to keep the close circle of friends informed.  However, most of us may take a while before letting the parents know, especially if both parties have yet to meet the parents.  While my friends have been really supportive, my folks were the ones who provided the most emotional support during this period and made sure that I was at least eating well despite waking up to seeing me with puffy eyes every morning.  My mum even skipped her weekly mahjong sessions just to chill out with me.  Right now, two years on, my dad keeps a lookout for me to make sure that I am in a good place in my current relationship.

    No contact

    Out of sight; out of mind.  In my instance, the ex was clearly expecting me to give in and forgive him again after he had initiated the second breakup.  After all, I was the one who forgave him all too easily previously.  This time round, I was determined to cease every means of contact.  Apart from refusing to pick up his phone calls, I went the extra mile by blocking him and his entire clan on whatsapp, facebook, and all other forms of social media.  This made things much easier and I was no longer tormented over whether to give him another chance because he clearly deserved … not.

    To find yourself again

    Sure, things may have changed over the course of the relationship.  While it is most likely that both parties are responsible for this breakdown, there is no need to beat yourself up over it.  It is important to figure out the cause (if possible) and give yourself ample time to internalize it before moving on in order to embark on the journey to find yourself again.  Take part in activities that you have always wanted, but never had the time to.  Indulge and splurge on that piece of luxury item that you had been eyeing with the money you were saving up for a vacation with the ex.  Go for a movie alone and learn to appreciate the solo time that you have earned.

    Sweat it out

    I literally found my solace in jogging and pilates.  It wasn’t soon before I made the decision to sign up to the local gym, hit the threadmill, and went for my first pilates class.  And I have never looked back since.  Apart from relishing in the adrenalin rush, it also made me aware that if I could accomplish the seemingly impossible and arduous feat of those insane elevated leg circles, there was possibly nothing else that I was not capable of.  In a way, this gave me the willpower to put everything to an end when the ex wanted to get back together.

    Burn baby burn !

    What’s the point of keeping those movie ticket stubs, birthday and valentine cards?  These were written and exchanged during better times and he/she clearly no longer feels the same.  Sure, getting rid of all these may come across as a bitter act and seem to be too drastic a step, but there is no better feeling than to watch those painful memories fire up and burn away.   Just be sure to extinguish the flames before bidding the past away.

  • It’s True. Female Masturbation Exists.

    It’s True. Female Masturbation Exists.

    When was the first time you learned about masturbation?  On the playground?  During an awkward discussion with a parent?  On TV? Was it pretty clear to you what it was and how to do it?  Did you understand what it meant to climax or ejaculate?  If you are male-bodied, it is likely that by the time you were a full grown adolescent, you had a pretty good understanding of masturbation and a wide variety of descriptive euphemisms – “jacking off,” “stroking the sausage,” “whacking it,” and a particularly eloquent one that I recently heard, “attacking the one-eyed, purple-headed warrior.”  If you are female-bodied, the path to your understanding of masturbation and how to do it was likely much more covert and maybe even to this day is not fully developed or clear.

    But why?  Most women will explain that masturbation was not talked about when they were young.  Touching yourself or admitting to any type of physical, sexual desire as a young girl was thought of as shameful, dirty, embarrassing or at the very least something not to be discussed with parents or peers.  But with boys, these “tendencies” were considered natural, normal – something to be both expected and tolerated.  A basic understanding of why this is so, points to our society’s general acceptance of men as sexual creatures with natural, physical urges and our view of women as passive objects of those sexual desires, rather than independent beings with their own natural sexual desires and urges.  And while the movement towards a more sex-positive, pro-feminist view of sexuality has taken foot in many circles, this deeply engrained, double standard view of sexuality undeniably still exists.  And if we aren’t conscious of its presence and effect, it is easy to make false assumptions about sexuality – like the assumption that girls and women do not masturbate.  And if they do, they are more sexually active or promiscuous than most girls or women – a practice known as “slut-shaming,” a neologism used to describe the act of making any person (usually women) feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors or desires that deviate from traditional (i.e. conservative) gender expectations.

    While the assumption is that all men masturbate, several studies have sought to find out what percentage of women masturbate (because, again, a common assumption is that only a minority of women masturbate).  These studies have yielded results varying from 38% to 92% – an extremely large spread.  Clearly, there is something going on that would cause these studies to find such varying results on a regular basis.  I would speculate that the studies reporting larger percentages were administered anonymously and through a medium that did not require face to face questioning, such as via an online survey.  The studies reporting lower percentages were probably done in person or required some elaboration on the part of the participant.  Essentially, I believe that these results illustrate the issue of women feeling uncomfortable or ashamed on talking about their masturbation habits or even admitting that they do it from time to time.

    So what is to be done?  It’s difficult because the fear of slut shaming extends beyond attitudes from men.  Women are just as likely (if not more so) to perpetuate shame when it comes to masturbation.  The thing about shame is that it is often projected onto those around us – especially those (i.e. other women) we identify with.  And if you can’t share stories, tips, and thoughts about masturbation with your fellow vagina owners, how do you learn?  It’s possible to learn from TV and movies, which perpetuate the myth that women don’t masturbate or when they do, it creates confusion, distress, and embarrassment in the women performing the act.  You can try to learn from porn, and if you are able to find some of the new wave pro-feminist and female-produced contents, it can be a good source for viewing women enjoying their bodies and the pleasure that comes from masturbating.  But if you aren’t able to find these contents, good luck finding any images that you can actually relate to.

    I believe a good first step for all women is to seek out sex-positive, feminist literature and media in order to see evidence that other women do masturbate and do so without shame, embarrassment, or negative repercussions.  A book I recommend to clients and friends alike is “Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving,” by Betty Dodson, a woman who personifies the acceptance and embracing of female sexuality and expression.  For the more adventurous or advanced, I recommend visiting your local sex toy shop (preferably one marketed towards women) and asking for information on different toys or movies that might interest you.  I also strongly believe in the power of being curious and taking the risk of being vulnerable in conversations with friends.  I have had many different kinds of conversations about masturbation with other women – some were wrought with embarrassment, some were really funny, some were tinged with shame, and many resulted in immense relief at the recognition that they aren’t the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out or has what they thought was a “weird” habit.  But in all these instances, masturbation was discussed.  And I believe that sometimes a conversation is all it takes to begin changing our false assumptions about sexuality.

  • Love and Comparisons: Why do we compare ourselves to other people?

    Love and Comparisons: Why do we compare ourselves to other people?

    You date.  Find a great guy.  All goes seemingly well.  Then he dumps you.  You are devastated.  You are a strong woman, and you know you’ll go on.  But what does that take and how the hell do you do that?

    Cut to, a few weeks later.  You see his new squeeze.  Your ass is devastated.

    Does it ever benefit you to compare yourself to another woman?  Ever?  Ever?  But damn!  She’s so  pretty, outgoing, and funny…You’re either one second off to committing suicide, or dating her.  You don’t even know which to do first.

    Of course, you’ve guessed that this is art imitating life.  You are damn straight.  One thing I’ve always tried to do, is give back to the world what I feel I am missing.  So, kind souls, this is my contribution to society.  Thank me later.

    So why do we compare?

    I actually have no good answer for this.  I don’t know why we do.  We just do.  Maybe it’s our EGO, a impression of people’s reactions to us.  If they hate you, you hate you.  If the world, or a guy thinks someone else is better than you, then you, unfortunately think someone else is better…This is not ever true.

    Or, you accept the other person as better, because the person you dated chose them.  You respect the other person’s values so much, that you think:  “Wow, he chose her, and he’s amazing. So, maybe that other person is better than me.”  A pretty dangerous way to think.

    No matter how you do it, comparing yourself to another person will always  F-up your self-esteem.  Don’t do it, ever.  I love you.  Don’t do it=)

    What has helped me in this circumstance, is thanking the universe for presenting a dilemma like this to me.  Somewhere, deep down inside, I want to grapple with this.  If I didn’t, I would  have never been triggered.  The rewards of dealing with difficult situations are usually far reaching, so having this assignment – I welcome it.

    I also learned that it’s better to compare your new self with your old self.  As opposed to other people.  Why?  Because we will never win at comparing ourselves to others.  We simply can’t be them.  But one thing we can do, is to be exceptional, kick ass, and magnetic versions of ourselves.

    Look at who we were before this situation.  Make a list.  What did we do a year (or more ago) that we absolutely don’t do now.  Really think about it, and be thankful for who we are now, and where we’ve come.  If there is anything, we still want, GET IT.  Take care of your body if you want to, rid yourself of unsavoury relationships and people, if you feel that’s essential to your betterment.

    Lastly, It’s helped me  to ignore everybody!  Ignore all opinions good and bad, because they say “you’re never as good as people say you are, and you’re never as bad as people say you are.”  You’re somewhere in between, and if you rid yourself of outside validation; If you don’t live within the opinions of others…. You’ll  never fall victim to dreaded comparisons.  Relationship or otherwise.

  • The Love Experience

    The Love Experience

    “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” – Woody Allen

    Sexual stimulation is a pleasurable experience that can be fun and relaxing.  Sex and love can both create strong attachment feelings and one of the most profound experiences we have as human beings.  The capacity to love and feel loved leads to healthy and intense sexual interactions.  Love is one of the most well-known and least understood conditions in human nature.  Scientists say it’s a drive, similar to hunger or thirst, while psychologists may define it as a social or cultural phenomenon.  Regardless, it is the most universal emotion in the world with elements of each model that drives our need to love, including how sexual attraction and attachment style play a role in our relationships.  Studies in neuroscience show that as people fall in love, the brain releases chemicals that activate the pleasure center of the brain similar to drugs leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.  Love can be experienced in different forms.  Our first connections with love are during infancy and childhood, and can set up love schemas that determine our capacity to love others during adulthood.

    Self-Love

    Self-love and selfishness are sometimes confused.  Each has different sources and consequences.  Self-love brings feelings of confidence, competence, and we are much kinder and loving towards others.  Selfishness causes withdrawal, and lack of respect towards self and others.  Self-love and appreciation are directly related to the capabilities of loving and appreciating others.

    The following questions can help differentiate between self-love and selfishness:

    1. When was the last time you felt unhappy with yourself (insecure, irritable)?
    2. When did you last feel happy with yourself (proud, pleased with your personal qualities)?
    3. How did you behave towards other people on those two occasions (happy/unhappy)?  On which occasion were you kinder and more generous towards others?

    When you are unhappy with yourself is probably when you were more selfish.  When we dislike ourselves, the energy we put out is directed towards protecting ourselves and is not focused on how we are treating others.  It is when we love ourselves that we are most capable of giving to, and loving others.

    Love Schemas

    How we are in adult romantic relationships is related to the working models or schemas we develop early in life – usually from our first loving experiences with caregivers. As we grow and develop these schemas become more complex. There are six different love schemas that are similar to the attachment styles that develop during childhood:

    1. Secure – seldom worry about being abandoned and believe other people are trustworthy and have good intentions.
    2. Skittish – wary of intimacy and uncomfortable with closeness, expectations that relationships fail and fear of depending on others.
    3. Clingy – desire closeness and worry that their partners don’t love them or will leave them and fear being on their own and abandoned.
    4. Fickle – uncomfortable with closeness and independence and never comfortable with what they have. They are suspicious of commitment and fear entrapment.
    5. Casual – view love affairs as fun and lacks desire for commitment often fearing intimacy.
    6. Uninterested – not interested in relationships and gets little pleasure out of it and when they end often feels relief.

    The development of these love schemas depends on how comfortable we are with closeness, independence and how willing we are to be involved in romantic relationships.  Identifying our love schema can give insight on our attachment style and patterns in relationships.

    Love vs. Lust

    The beginning stages of love are full of arousal, intense sexual desire, anxiety over rejection, and an array of positive and sometimes negative emotions.  Whether it is lust, infatuation, or romantic love, a preoccupation with the loved one is common and unavoidable.  Lust is actually a normal and healthy human emotion and can be very pleasurable for two people in the expression of sexual interactions.  If two people do not deal with feelings prior to sexual activity lust can sometimes lead to pain and guilt.

    There is this old cliché’ that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.

    Even though society is slowly moving towards more gender equality in views of sex – surveys show that more women than men find sex only acceptable in a love relationship.  If one partner is more motivated by lust than love, it can lead to difficulties in a relationship.  The sharing of feelings and intentions by both partners can minimize feelings of guilt and exploitation that can arise when two people have conflicting motivations for a relationship.

    Dependency and Jealousy

    Feelings of dependency and jealousy are often associated with love and are often experienced by individuals that lack self-confidence and self-esteem.  The consequences are a false love that consists of manipulative, exploitive, and unhealthy love behaviors.  These feelings of dependency and jealousy are human and we all feel them at some point in our lives – they are painful and often unavoidable.  The healthiest way to cope with these feelings is to communicate them instead of accusing, attacking, blaming or shaming your loved one.  It will reduce the negative effects of dependency and jealousy.

    Here are questions to assess healthy love in your relationship:

    1. Have you continued to maintain individual interests, including meaningful personal relationships with people other than your partner?
    2. Are you and your lover friends? If your erotic relationship ended, would you continue to see one another as friends?
    3. Have you maintained a secure belief in your own values as an independent person?
    4. Is your relationship integrated with the rest of your life rather than set off or isolated from your other activities?
    5. Do you feel improved by the relationship? Have you become stronger, more attractive, more accomplished, and more sensitive since becoming involved with your partner?

    These are great questions to ask yourself and your partner if you are in a loving sexual relationship.  If either of you answered “no” to more than one question it is worth discussing and looking at possibilities of changing aspects of the relationship.  The quality of a relationship is not measured by the absence of problems – there is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship.  The qualities that are important include honesty, integrity, and concern for resolving problems in a way that meets the needs of both partners.

    Independent, mature, and self-confident people have the greatest capacity for healthy and loving sexual interactions.  Two adults in a relationship that form an erotic bond can share their whole self – and can enjoy each others similarities and accept and be comfortable with their differences.  If someone makes the other person the exclusive focus of one’s life, it can reduce the vitality of a relationship. The healthier way is for each partner in a relationship to develop her or his own potential and be able to contribute individual, unique qualities to a mutually satisfying and stimulating relationship.  This ideal is not easily attained or constantly maintained, but striving towards it contributes to the hope and pleasure that characterize lasting and loving sexual interactions.

  • The long and often slippery road to finding a good Sensual Massage

    The long and often slippery road to finding a good Sensual Massage

    Massage is for Real Men

    It is said that real men don’t cry or wear their hearts on their sleeves.  Real men are resilient and stoic, that they shun sensuality and intimacy in preference to instant gratifications.  It is also said that real men don’t seek professional help for their psychological aches and pains or emotional fears.  And so, when it has come to reducing their stress, this has traditionally limited their options for treatment, instead, relying on a hard session at the gym or the pub to eradicate the anxieties that engulf them in today’s competitive image conscious society.

    Massage is on the “up”

    Therefore, it should come as no surprise that according to the International Spa Association, the number of men who have visited Spas in the last five years has grown by 900%.  Spas are now socially accepted, and are of course extremely enjoyable.  Londoners recently admitted that a Spa treatment helped them relax better than a Friday night at the pub and it is massage that is at the top of the list for chosen treatments for men.

    The challenges for men having a massage

    As every man who has experienced massage knows it can be an encounter of mixed feelings.  On the one hand to have your body and muscles worked deep and to feel the intimate touch of another’s hands, male or female, is a wonderfully relaxing therapeutic sensation.  On the other hand it can also be an experience fraught with anxiety and tension, since with even the most expert hands at work, many men become acutely aware of the rumbling sensations of arousal as the body responds and with it the fear of obvious visual detection and subsequent embarrassment.

    Sensual Massage – more than just a “rub & tug”

    Getting a “hard on” during a regular massage is probably every man’s nightmare, particularly if the treatment is clearly designed only to be therapeutic.  The embarrassment is compounded more so if the masseur has not brought up the subject of potential arousal and through their own awkwardness to the subject, leaves it as an unspoken “demon” that hangs in the air throughout the whole proceedings!

    It is because of this that many men will avoid having massages at all, but increasingly more and more men are discovering the availability,  pleasure and safety of receiving a Sensual Massage that is designed to include both proper muscle work and allows, sometimes even encourages, full arousal often to orgasm.  The internet now gives plenty of opportunity to find a sensual massage, but how do clients find a masseur who is both trained in massage and comfortable to include intimate erotic touch as part of the treatment?

    Spot the  “Givers” from the “Takers”

    With none of the official massage schools broad-minded enough to train practitioners on how to give sensual massage, clients are generally reliant on their own initiative when searching the pages and pages of adverts.  Often, sensual massage will be couched in “Tantric” language, which much to the dismay to true Tantra teachers, has become a bi word for erotic massage.  Just because it talks of “Lingums” and “Wands of Light”, it does not necessarily mean you will receive a professional massage.  So for those men who do want to enjoy a sensual massage given by a professional, here are a few tips on how to sort the genuine “givers” from the “takers”.

    10 Tips on how to find a good sensual masseur

    1. Has the masseur got their own web site? – Generally, if they have invested effort and money in a web site then they will be more serious about their work.  The better the web site, the more professional the masseur.
    2. Ask if the masseur has been trained by a legitimate massage school in either Therapeutic, Swedish or Sports Massage – A tip is to ask if they include Effleurage or Petrissage strokes in the massage.  Any properly trained masseur will know these correct  terms for long flowing strokes and kneading movements.
    3. Ask for a full description of what the massage will or won’t include, if they indicate that they do not offer sexual services then they will more than likely be genuine in their approach.
    4. Do they display client testimonials on the web site? – Of course it’s easy to make these up but usually the genuine testimonials can be spotted rather than those self-written.
    5. Beware of discounts – A good sensual masseur does not usually need to give discounts.
    6. Don’t go for anything less than 60 minutes – 75 or 90 is the usual length of a full body sensual massage.  Offering 30 minutes generally means only one thing!
    7. Do they have their own massage studio or do they just offer “out calls”? – A proper massage can really only be given on a massage bed or possibly a yoga mat, beds are not suitable whether hotel or home and generally implies that the massage will slip quite quickly into something more sexual and then finish as soon as the client reaches orgasm with no discount for reduced time.
    8. Look for “talent” not “tit”.  Don’t get swayed by erotic suggestive pictures of the masseurs, take notice of the more professionally presented masseurs.
    9. Look at their operating times – If it’s predominantly a late night service then it will be more “tug” than “rub”
    10. If you can, when making the enquiry, speak to the masseur themselves, a lot can be understood from their level of spoken English and knowledge of their service
    11. Go with your “gut”.  If you don’t feel right, don’t book.  If you feel iffy on the phone, imagine what you will feel like when they have their hands on you.
    12. And finally, NEVER be afraid to walk away before the massage begins.  If the venue, cleanliness and atmosphere makes you uncomfortable, even if you have to pay a cancellation fee, it’s better to be out-of-pocket than out of your depth!

    If you have any questions for Colin related to this subject or on any other sexual performance related issues, Colin will be delighted to answer them.  He can be contacted at colin@intimacymatters.co.uk