SimplySxy

Category: Lifestyle

  • Dating, Love, and Sex – A Triple Threat For Most Parents

    Dating, Love, and Sex – A Triple Threat For Most Parents

    Marcia, who is now in fourth grade, has a crush on a kid in her class!  And so it begins…

    If you are a parent, I’m sure you get more than a little nervous thinking about your children growing up and starting to date and falling in love.  If you are like me, you probably also get nervous thinking about these kids one day having sex.  I know this is inevitable.  I cannot stop my children from doing or experiencing anything.  And, really, neither can you.  What you and I CAN do is inform ourselves; educate ourselves so we don’t deprive our children of information they need to make critical decisions of their own.

    There are plenty of varying attitudes on this topic.  Plenty of people, some dads I know too, voice the “Not on MY watch” mindset.  Others share a “Be good.  If you can’t be good, be careful.  If you can’t be careful, don’t name it after me.” philosophy.  Yet most people, upon deeper discussion, recognize both of these attitudes are not helpful to their child.  Children need to hear real information: aka The Truth.  I also think it is critical to share your own values around dating, sex, and love.  For example, Let’s say you are the mother of a daughter and you think girls should not call boys.  This could be a source for future conflict if you take a hard line.  Perhaps she needs to call a boy classmate to get clarity on a class assignment.  How will you react?  Would that be okay?  Will it cause a fight?  Perhaps you could agree that this would be ok but that you would prefer to leave it up to the boy to ask her out.  Make sure you tell her that some people might do things differently but this is what you value.  The other approach doesn’t make it wrong, just different.

    Most parents, not surprisingly, wish to protect their children from the potential pain, shame, hurt, embarrassment, etc, etc of dating and love.  We all know the depiction of an over protective father holding a shotgun, threatening any date who dares to try the sexual things he himself did when he was younger.  Let’s think about this model:  Is this the right message?  How will our daughters perceive it?  Will our daughters be humiliated with embarrassment?  Angered by the lack of trust?  Would it send fear into the boy so he keeps his hands to himself or would it inspire the daughter to be rebellious?  Perhaps we experienced these things as young people — think back to when you and your peers were young: Chances are you or some of your classmates were already doing sexual things at a young age; would you would freak out if your kids were doing those same things?  Have you started hyperventilating yet?

    As an educator, I want to make sure I give my kids information about sexually transmitted Infections (STIs) and pregnancy prevention but I also want to be Sex Positive.  Let me back up and offer a definition.  For those of you who do not know what Sex Positive is, it’s “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation”.  The first part of this is what I wish to address now.  The second part is what we will address later – over time naturally as they get older and as the topic comes up and as the teens age.  There is already enough out there that is sex negative and scary.  I don’t want sex to be scary to my children because I know it can be enjoyable. Most sex education programs teach simply reproductive biology, and STI/Pregnancy prevention.  I also want to make sure my kids learn stuff related to sex and sexuality that is NOT taught in a traditional Abstinence Only Before Marriage Sex Education program.  If these are not taught in schools, then where do our kids learn these important things?

    In Europe, they tie sex to love and statistics show it is a WHOLE lot more effective than the abstinence only before marriage sex education programs here in America. Recently Slate.com, published a slide show with some interesting data:

    The first time they had sex, 64 percent of Dutch teens used birth control, compared with only 26 percent of American teens. Most of the time, the Dutch teens used pills.  Think about it for a minute: The majority of Dutch teens are making an appointment, going to a clinic, getting a prescription filled and starting birth control before they have sex.  Meanwhile, in the United States, the average time between first having sex and first making a family-planning visit is almost two years.  Here, 70 percent of school-based health clinics are forbidden from providing condoms or other birth control, even as 80 percent of them are busy diagnosing STDs and pregnancy.

    In addition, almost half of the Dutch kids used both condoms for STD protection and the pill or another like method for birth control. This even has a nickname: “Double Dutch!” Only 17 percent of American kids protected themselves this way.

    As a parent, I want to tie sex and pleasure together.  I’ve recently blogged about sex and love and how that is a bit of a set up for girls to “give it up” when they think they are in love or that their partner is in love with them.  Either way, there has to be talk about pleasure and love.  If you keep it clinical and don’t acknowledge the nuances, you are missing an incredible opportunity to connect with your child.  They need to know your honest experiences so they can understand where you are coming from.  And so they can avoid your mistakes as well.  It’s a way of imparting knowledge, which, combined with their own experiences, will help them gain wisdom.

    I’ve also blogged about dating as a single mother.  I am hoping my experiences are helping my daughters develop healthy views on dating and love.  I am hoping to model positive behavior to them, including learning from when and if I stumble.  If that happens and I can make it age appropriate, I will sit down with them to go through a post-mortem of sorts.  I’ve been doing this and as a result of this open dialogue, we are strengthening the protective feelings for one another. Once not too long ago, Marcia said to me, “Mom, if he doesn’t see that you are a good person, then he doesn’t deserve to be with you.” Aaaaand she’s 9 years old.  I was absolutely blown away by that statement and have tried to encourage her to remember that for when she gets older. I think we all have a unique perspective to offer to our children.  For those of you who are married (or in a steady, committed relationship) you have a wonderful opportunity to model loving, affectionate, caring, communicative relationships.  I believe very strongly that children learn what they live.  Let’s help them live in happiness and love.

    We are all trying to protect our children; That is our job as parents.  Your approach may be entirely different and that’s ok.  But ultimately this is about communication and providing our children with as much truthful information about dating, love, and sex as possible.  For you parents of older kids, would you be willing to share any successes and failures you and your kids experienced?

    Copyright © 2011 The MamaSutra

  • 50 Shades of Uber Fan-Fiction

    50 Shades of Uber Fan-Fiction

    Whoever would have guessed that a chaste Young Adult romance written by a sober, non-smoking Mormon housewife would ignite the erotic romance world and spawn the best-selling novel in literary history?  The tale of a virginal high schooler who falls madly in love with a handsome and mysterious teen only to discover he is a vampire, ignited erotic literature, namely erotic romance.  This popular literary sub-genre owes a great debt to Twilight, the virginal heroine and an alpha-male character named Edward Cullen.

    While Twilight didn’t involve sex, its plotting and intense romantic elements have served as the template for several erotic best sellers that first saw the light of day on fan fiction boards;  Sempre by J. M. Danhower, Beautiful Bastard by Christina Lauren, Sylvain Reynard’s Gabriel’s Inferno, The Dark Heroine by Abigail Gibbs, and most famous of all, Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James’s publishing phenomenon.

    Twilight won the hearts of countless teens primarily because of the male love interest.  The author, Stephenie Meyer, created Edward Cullen, a monogamous Byronic alpha-male who becomes obsessed with the female protagonist from the moment he sees her.  Bella, the protagonist, imprints her very being on Edward’s  soul and he adores her to the point of not wanting to live without her.  As therapist Sari Cooper noted in a 2012 series of lectures about Fifty Shades of Grey, “The experience of being desired is a huge erotic trigger for women. It’s the experience of being that special someone. There is no one else in his eyes. He only has eyes for her. She is the one he longs for. It combines the erotic with the sensual. Being desired is such a turn on for women.”

    Being desired was the key component that made so many teens and adult women adore Twilight’s Edward Cullen, the troubled teen vampire and his relationship with the protagonist, Bella Swan.  The author of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer made seventeen-year-old Edward outrageously handsome, powerful, brilliant, well-traveled and sophisticated.  On the other hand, her protagonist, Bella Swan, was an ‘every girl,’ lacking in grace, charm or social skill.  In the novels, Bella’s klutziness became an endearing trait, something that didn’t transfer to the screen, an average girl that many teens could identify with.  Twilight gave real meaning to the phrase, he’s into you.  Bella had a beautiful lover who adored her to the point of obsession and yet, she never had to put out. Teens adored the novels as well as their mothers, who gave thanks that Bella and Edward’s relationship, though passionate, was a non-sexual one.

    However, the emergence of fan fiction, or be more specific, uber fan fiction changed the way some viewed Twilight’s chaste characters  Writers define uber fan fiction or uber fic as a story that takes the essence of the characters and places them in another time, another place, or another reality. The uber characters do not have the same names and do not have to be mirror images of the canon characters.  Sometimes they are descendants or reincarnations; usually they resemble the originals physically, and they share the same type of bond.

    Of course uber fan fiction can be devoid of sex, but the most interesting married fan fiction with erotic fiction, a sometimes uneasy union.  Erotic fiction embraces the forbidden.  Works like The Sexual Life of Catherine M., The Story of O and Anne Rice’s infamous Sleeping Beauty Trilogy, which outsold her mainstream success, Interview With a Vampire, are  filled what E.L. James called kinky fuckery: floggings, brandings, BDSM, multiple partners, rampant bisexuality, but without romance.  Uber fan fiction changed that.

    Though James was not the first to blend the story-structure of Twilight with the carnal, she was the most vocal about the debt she owed to Twilight.  “Well, it all started way back in the day when I saw Twilight, the film, and I loved those books.  I could not put them down, absolutely avidly read the books. This switch was flipped. I had to write, started writing, wrote a novel, then I discovered fan fiction.  I wrote about Edward and Bella and then decided to write about Christian and Anastasia.  I took the fan fiction, and a friend of mine re-wrote it and I thought, if he could do it, so could I, and now I am here.”

    Indeed, James is here!  Her work controversial work has sold over 70 million copies worldwide, made women everywhere, from student to soccer mom, examine their erotic lives and brought sexual experimentation to the mainstream.  Writer, Charlotte Rose, attended a lecture that Cooper delivered at the Washing Square Institute in 2012.  Cooper’s entitled her talk, “Fifty Shades of Grey: What You Can Learn about Sex Esteem from the Bestseller,” and noted ten erotic triggers written into Fifty Shade of Grey and incorporated into other erotic romances.

    1.  Powerful hero.

    “He is dark, mysterious, and possibly dangerous – a total Alpha male. He’s wild, dangerous, and unpredictable.  Being with him is like a rollercoaster ride.”

    2.  Awakened Heroine.

    “She is innocent, the yin to the yang of Christian Grey. She is a young woman awakened by this man who knows a lot more. “

    3. Christian Grey uses all the senses – taste, touch, sight, scent, auditory.

    “For example, Ana is always talking about how he smells and he about her scent. He also consciously uses these different triggers to arouse her.”

    4. Music is huge part of it.

    The many musical moments in the book inspire erotic or emotionally charged encounters.

    5.  He appeals to her psychologically.

    “He sends signals to throw her off balance, such as his first gift of the collector’s edition of Tess of the d’Urbervilles. He attaches a quote from the book that says there may be danger waiting.  It creates more intrigue for.”

    6. There is stimulation of all the erogenous zones and multisensory anticipation. “Christian does it with such expertise, and so much foreplay, with plenty of time to get Anastasia ready.”

    A. Primary erogenous zones. Genitals and breasts.

    B. Secondary erogenous zones:  Earlobe, neck.

    C. Tertiary erogenous zones: Feet, arms, scalp.

    7. BDSM.

    “The book has opened up the door into things people may not have considered before. In Fifty Shades, Ana has many fears about being hurt, but when she is in the red room of pain she is not just in pain—she is in a state of arousal beyond what she would normally feel. Sexual arousal sometimes involves working with negative emotions such as fear and anxiety. It’s the experience of being on a roller coaster that enhances the state of arousal.”

    8.  Love.

    “Ana pushes for ‘more’ than being his submissive and he ‘tries’ because he will do anything to keep her.  He’s only had subs [submissive female partners] before, women that he has controlled, and he is pushed to his hard limits by Ana who is demanding more. That’s what people love about the book. They want the romance, the emotional tension. Will it work out for them? They want to know!”

    9. The experience of being desired.

    “This is a huge erotic trigger for women. It’s the experience of being that special someone. There is no one else in his eyes. He only has eyes for her. She is the one he longs for. It combines the erotic with the sensual. Being desired is such a turn on for women.”

    10. He’s loyal. 

    “At first we are not sure if we can trust him. She talks about his ‘stalker tendencies. ‘What wins Ana over, and wins the reader over, is he’s very loyal. And when she needs him, he’s there.  I think it works because women can feel the fantasy of having that danger, with the security of having a good relationship.”

    With the exception of items 6 and 7, we can find these same elements in Twilight, the book that started it all.  Though I named a few fan-fiction titles, more pop up daily.

  • He-Said/She-Said: When’s the Right Time to Sleep with Someone You’re Dating?

    He-Said/She-Said: When’s the Right Time to Sleep with Someone You’re Dating?

    I teach my clients that one of the best ways to understand men is to (gasp!) talk to them, ask questions, and really listen to what they have to say. In the world of entrepreneurship, this is known as soliciting customer feedback, a way of gaining understanding and empathy for the customer’s experience, for his or her world. I am a firm believer in the power of customer feedback when it comes to dating. The end goal is to better understand men’s deeper, more latent needs; it is not to mold yourself into what you think every man wants you to be.

    I love “he-said/she-said” pieces, because you get direct and honest access to how men think and feel. My latest “he” is Mr. Locario, a no-nonsense dating and relationship coach who has been featured on  Vh1, FUSE, The Dish Network, TLC, ABC Family, The Tyra Banks Show and Anderson Cooper.

    The question I posed to him is a common dilemma in the dating world: When’s the right time to sleep with someone you’re dating?

    I appreciate how this conversation ended in a deeper understanding of men’s needs when it comes to dating and sex. Read through to the end to see what conclusions I came to based on this back-and-forth.

    Mr. Locario: I think the right time to have sex with a guy you are dating is at least by the third date. You should not wait any longer, because the guy might start to lose interest in you or think that you are playing games and just using him for attention or for his money. Also, the guy you are dating is most likely dating other girls. If those other girls are having sex with him and you aren’t, he might start paying more attention to the other girls.

    Neely: That’s a bit surprising to me. So…third date: That’s, say, three weeks of knowing someone. At that point, he’s practically a stranger. What do you know about a man and his intentions after such a short amount of time? Mostly, though, I’d like to respond to your “he might start to lose interest” comment. I teach women to have boundaries and to not do things that go contrary to their needs out of fear of losing someone. Sleeping with a man so quickly simply out of the fear that he’ll ditch you for someone else is the wrong way to go, in my opinion. Now, if a woman is comfortable with this sort of casual sex and can detach herself from the outcome, then I say more power to her. It’s about knowing yourself and what you’re comfortable with. If you can honestly say to yourself: “I’m not sleeping with this guy as a way to manipulate him or trade sex for love. I’m sleeping with him, because I really want to for the sake of my own needs, and I’ll be okay with whatever happens,” then go for it. If you can’t genuinely say that to yourself, then continue to wait until you’re in a more comfortable place, or until you’re more certain that he values you for more than just a roll in the hay.

    Mr. Locario: I agree that a woman should do what she is comfortable with. I’m not saying to sleep with a guy out of fear that he might lose interest, but I am saying that the reality is he might lose interest because you are taking too long to sleep with him. Most guys will think that you are not interested in them because you are not sleeping with them. They might think: “Why is this girl going out with me? She must not like me because I’ve seen her three times and we still haven’t had sex yet.” Also, I feel if you are not comfortable enough to sleep with a man after three dates, then you are not really into him and should stop seeing him and give him space to see other women who are comfortable enough to have sex with him.

    Neely: From a woman’s perspective, it often works a bit differently. Are you’re saying you’d be out the door if a woman (who you are really into and has most, if not all, of the qualities you are looking for in a girlfriend or wife) were to say to you, “I really enjoy spending time with you, I’m super attracted to you, but I know myself and I’m not comfortable sleeping with someone so soon. I prefer to wait a little and get to know each other more, and if you’re not okay with that, then I totally understand and we might not be a good fit for each other”? A woman’s ability to walk away from a man and see how he responds to her stated needs is an essential tool for women in today’s dating world. I’ve seen enough women in my lifetime be absolutely crushed by thinking that having sex with a man means sealing the relationship deal, when that’s not at all what he was thinking or looking for. I’m not saying that you have to disengage from all physical relations, but certain acts can be a very emotional thing for a lot of women, so when it does happen it’s not as easy as you think to bounce back if the guy disappears or loses interest. So at the end of the day, it’s about knowing yourself and what works for you and weeding through the guys who will respect your boundaries.

    Mr. Locario: I see what you’re saying but what happens is most women don’t express what you’ve just stated, so at the end of the day it’s a communication thing. If a guy was dating a woman and she said those things and he really liked her he would keep seeing her, but if she didn’t say anything then he would assume that the woman is not really interested in him or playing games because he would be thinking, “If she really liked me we would be having sex by now” or he might be thinking, “What’s taking so long for us to have sex? If she doesn’t have sex with me soon then I am going to keep it moving.” Again, waiting this long might still make him lose interest, because if he is dating another woman at the same time as you and likes her just as much as you, but she is having sex with him then she might grab his attention, and then, before you know it, he isn’t calling you as much as he used to.

    There was actually a story on ABC dateline about a woman who would just go out with guys so that they could buy her dinner. A lot of guys are getting hip to this. So from a man’s perspective he doesn’t want to waste his time and money on a woman who he feels has no interest in him sexually. A woman waiting more than three dates to have sex with a guy looks like a woman who has no sexual interest in him. So I think the communication has to be clear. If the communication is clear that she is into him then things would be fine and he will most likely continue to see her. Also, when it comes to having sex I feel that a woman should just have sex because she likes the guy and should enjoy the moment, but a woman first has to be comfortable with herself in order to do that.

    ***

    So what can you take away about men’s deeper needs by the end of this back-and-forth between me and Mr. Locario? Here are my thoughts:

    • Men can be just as insecure as women and value a sense of security.
    • Like women, men enjoy sex and being seen as sexually attractive.
    • Men aren’t mind-readers and need you to communicate with them.

    Anything else?

    Start talking to men (friends, acquaintances, family members, and the like). Start soliciting customer feedback like a true dating entrepreneur. What can you find out that will help you in your entrepreneurial venture to create lasting love?

  • Modern Cuckoldry

    Modern Cuckoldry

    How and why a couple gets involved with a cuckold lifestyle are quite varied.  Below are a few of the pathways couples typical take into this lifestyle.

    Man initiated

    Firstly, some husbands (boyfriends) initiate things as part of a sexual fantasy about seeing their partner with another man.  These men mention their unusual fantasy to their partner and the woman reacts to it.  Quite often the woman become upset with the man.  She wonders if he is in some way rejecting her or looking to go outside their relationship himself.

    There are also men who become attracted to some type of cuckold lifestyle as they age and have less sexual stamina.  The husband who is 50-something finds he cannot get an erection as easily as he did in the past.  Some men develop a secret cuckold fantasy that is partly based on their voyeuristic interests and partly because they feel guilty that they cannot satisfy their wife.

    In any case, after resisting the man’s idea, some women change their mind when the right situation and man becomes available.  Eventually she becomes curious by the idea of having her existing relationship combined with the freedom to indulge herself while her partner remains faithful to her.

    Sometimes what was originally the man’s fantasy grows into a very different reality.

    Woman Initiated

    Less often the woman suggests introducing cuckoldry into the relationship for one reason or another.

    There are many motivating factors for a woman in a marriage that includes cuckold benefits.  The first and foremost is sexual variety but also having a marriage/relationship that is unequal in her favour with respect to sexual pleasure and freedom.

    Some of the typical motivations women have for initiating or trying a cuckold lifestyle are:

    • Breaking a taboo
    • Enjoying some sexual romance and adventure
    • Humiliating her husband or boyfriend
    • Being the centre of attention (i.e. Queen Bee)
    • Satisfying her sexual desires
    • Indulging in some form of exhibitionism

    A small number of women in “the lifestyle” only engage in extra-marital sex with partners that are exclusively female.  In these situations the women either enjoy their bisexuality or are sometimes actual lesbians who want to have a traditional marriage with a man but also enjoy indulge their innate desires.  The important factor here is that the husband must remain faithful to the marriage and his partner while she enjoys herself with female partners.

    The Cheating Woman

    For some women, they have never accepted the idea of being in a monogamous relationship; cuckoldry just seems natural to them.  Other women just crave variety, adventure or enjoy breaking a taboo.

    The trick for the woman who is “cheating” is converting the relationship and her man into a modern cuckold while avoiding any problems.

    Swingers

    Some couples that are into the swinger scene gravitate to cuckoldry in a gradual process.  As the man gets older, his sexual energies begin to wane while the woman’s sexual appetite remains the same or increases with age.  Quite often these couple make a slow transition to cuckoldry.

    Older Couples

    There are very traditional couples who, beginning in this lifestyle, start when they are in their fifties or older.  This occurs when a menopausal woman takes hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to combat hot-flashes and osteoporosis.  A side effect of this medication is a huge boost to the woman’s libido right when her man’s sexual prowess is diminishing.

    In these circumstances, the woman find herself sexually frustrated and unfulfilled while the man becomes depressed with his inability to satisfy the her.  Quite often both partners are relieved when they work out a cuckold-related arrangement.

    Second, Third… Marriages

    There are women who go through one or more tumultuous marriages and divorces before marrying the “right guy” or a “nice man”.  After some time in their new marriage these women find that something is missing in their marriage; that they crave a “bad boy”.  These women need to seek out men for sex that is completely different from their “ideal” husband.  Some women “back-slide” and call on their ex-husbands to provide them with the sexual satisfaction their nice ones can’t give her.  Overtime these women find that having a modern cuckold relationship works best for them.

    It is important to recognize that no two couples or situations are exactly alike.  There are literally limitless ways in which couples can engage in some form of cuckold lifestyle.

    The historical definition of a cuckold is a man whose wife is unfaithful and becomes pregnant by another man.  This breech of fidelity was considered very scandalous.  In many cases, the cuckold man did not know about his wife’s dalliances and the factor that an illegitimate heir was being raised in his house.

    In some cases, these old style cuckolds chose to ignore their cuckold status and remained silent about the wife’s infidelity.  If a woman’s actions did become public, the consequences for her were often dire.

    In modern cuckoldry, the husband (or boyfriend) is fully aware of his status and what his lady is doing.  In most instances, the cuckold’s direct knowledge of his lady’s activities is an important part of her enjoyment of the lifestyle.

    The following are factors that may help women enjoy their sexual freedom in a cuckold relationship:

    • Opportunity;  Now that more women are working outside their homes, they are often  provided with many more opportunities to meet men, travel for business …etc.
    • Sexual Advantage;  It is relatively easy for a woman to meet and attract men of her choice.  Using her flirtation skills, even a woman wearing a wedding band can attract men to her in many social situations.
    • Carnal Capacity;  The typical woman has a greater capacity to enjoy sex than a man. Many women are multi-orgasmic while men generally are not.

    Since modern cuckoldry is a taboo or fringe lifestyle, there are many practical matters that the woman and cuckold must address, like privacy.  Very few women would want their family, friends, neighbours or co-workers to know about their special lifestyle.  The couple should consider how they will protect their privacy with respect to their new lifestyle.

    No matter how things develop, it is important that a couple discusses things openly and not rush into anything.  For instance, some men may have a cuckold fantasy but are not ready for the reality of accepting their wife having extra-marital sex.  It is best to start slow.  Many cuckold-wanna-be men can quickly be overcome with their emotions which can cause problems.  Similarly, women can be overwhelmed with feelings of guilt or regret for wanting to try or actually having an encounter outside her normal relationship.

    When a couple decides they are ready to take the plunge into cuckoldry, there are things to consider in avoiding potential problems;

    • Prior to her engaging with another partner, the couple should discuss various scenarios that they both find arousing.  They should even go to a public place like a shopping mall where they pick out pretend partners for her to enjoy.  Looking out over a crowd, the husband would point out a man walking by to the woman.  She would then rate his selection.  She in turn would then pick out someone walking by that she though was desirable.  Each time, the woman would explain what she found attractive or unattractive in each selection.

    Doing this types of mental exercises will help prepare the man and the woman for the real thing:

    • The woman picks out a sex toy and has her man use it on her.  Before starting, the woman should give the sex toy a masculine name like “Andre” and tell her man about it.  She should tell her man that she is in the mood for some fun and to get Andre.  If needed, the woman should also instruct the man to prepare the sex toy by washing it and applying any necessary lubricant.  While she enjoys the sex toy she should occasionally say things to taunt the man like “Oh Andre, that feels so good”.  Even though this type of play acting might seem silly it really isn’t.  This is an exercise that exposes the man (cuckold-in-training) to being a cuckold-by-proxy where the woman is being pleasure by another “man”.
    • Draw up a cuckold contract to defined boundaries, requirements and expectations for both the husband and the wife.  One rule often defined in these agreements is that the woman will break-off any relationship in which if she begins developing deeper feelings of attachment for the other man.
    • The woman’s first extra-marital encounter is very important.  In all cases her physical and emotional safety must be a priority.
    • The husband’s (boyfriend’s) direct involvement and presence during the woman’s first encounter should be avoided in case he isn’t yet ready for the intensity of the event.  Overall, the cuckolds level of involvement with the woman’s activities is something to be considered and discussed before doing anything.

    One important aspect of almost all cuckold relationships is the way the woman keeps the cuckold connected and engaged with her sexuality while she enjoys her freedom outside their relationship.  The following are some examples of how a woman keeps her cuckold involved with her sexuality:

    • Telling him about an upcoming encounter she has planned or about a man she is interested in.
    • Have him help her prepare for a “date” with another man.  This can include taking her shopping for special clothes and lingerie.  Helping her bathe and dress for the date…etc.  Making it his job to put condoms, lube…etc in her purse before she leaves for her date.
    • After her date, tell him all about the other man, where they went and what they did including some of the sexual pleasures she enjoyed.
    • Tell him about any future dates she has or men she is interested in dating.
    • Sending her husband photos from her cell phone of things she does on a “date”.
    • Encourage her cuckold to express his feelings and concerns so she can address them.
    • Allowing him to meet her date and eventually watch her having sex with this other man.  Not all women are comfortable with this, especially early on.
    • Have the cuckold approach men she is interested in seeing to ask them if they would like to have a “date” with the woman.

    A woman keeping her cuckold man engaged with her in various ways is important to both maintain their relationship and ally his fears of losing her or their relationship.  This also helps engage one of the motivating factors for a cuckold – voyeurism, even if it is limited to just knowing that the woman is having an encounter with another man.

    Once a couple adopts a cuckold lifestyle they often find that their motivations and interests in it change over time.  For example, a wife that was at first only looking for sexual variety might slowly begin to dominate her cuckold in some ways.

    In the next instalment I will review some of the expected and unexpected issues that a couple might face as well as the emotional side to cuckoldry.

    Read Steve’s latest article on Cuckoldry & Pornography on SimplySxy.com!

  • An Introduction To Modern Cuckoldry

    An Introduction To Modern Cuckoldry

    There are many sexual fetishes defined by psychology.  Some fetishes begin as with an accidental exposure to an unusual situation or have their roots in a long held fantasy.  Some of the more puzzling fetishes are ones where the subject enjoys some form of suffering or being put in a lesser, disadvantaged position in a relationship.  The simplest example of this type of fetish is Masochism where a person enjoys being abused, dominated, humiliated and/or punished.  For some, this fetish involves specific activities and interactions done with their partner or a professional “provider”.  Exactly why a masochistic person enjoys seeming unpleasant and counter-intuitive activities being done to them is the subject of many psychological studies.

    A growing “irrational” fetish is the practice of modern cuckoldry or the “hot-wife” lifestyle.  Here a man enjoys knowing or watching his lady engage in sexual encounters outside their relationship, while all he is required of him is to remain faithful to her.  The practice of cuckoldry in one form or another is ancient but the modern version probably began in the last few hundred years.

    The fact that a man would fully accept or begrudging allow and/or support the infidelity of his female partner seems totally irrational.  It is important to remember that modern cuckold relationships are quite varied and complex.  There are several motivating factors for the cuckold man as well as pathways couples takes into this lifestyle.

    • The voyeuristic husband is one where the man derives enjoyment seeing his wife or girlfriend having sex with others.
    • The submissive husband enjoys being a cuckold as part of the power exchange he has with his wife or girlfriend.
    • Men who enjoy having a partner that has sex with other men as part of their bisexual lifestyle.

    Of these three categories of the voyeur and submissive are the most common and often overlap with one another.  In my next instalment, I will continue to explore the pathways, reasons why and how a couple gets involved with a cuckold lifestyle.

  • Do you know HOW to be a good friend?

    Are you the kind of friend, partner, or family member who others turn to, to share a story about how they felt ashamed? What I mean is, do you provide a sounding board of understanding and compassion when a loved one feels humiliated, shamed, or embarrassed? Or does your reaction to their shame further accentuate their pain and discomfort? This can be a tough situation to know how to respond to properly, because we can feel very uncomfortable ourselves.

    Consider this situation: a close friend or relationship partner calls to tell you about how their boss talked down to them during a meeting and they started crying. They tell you that they feel humiliated by how their boss spoke to them in front of others and feel ashamed that they cried publicly. Brene Brown, in her wonderful book, The Gifts of Imperfection, writes about six ways that are NOT supportive responses. See if you find yourself in here:

    1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better.
    2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I’ve been there)…
    3. The friend who needs you to the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can’t help because she’s too disappointed in your imperfections. You’ve let her down.
    4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: “How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?” Or she looks for someone to blame: “Who was that guy? We’ll kick his ass.”
    5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be ‘crazy’ and make terrible choices: “You’re exaggerating. It’s wasn’t that bad. You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.”
    6. The friend who confuses “connection” with the opportunity to one-up you. “That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!”

    Did you recognise yourself in any of these? Or did you think of a loved one with whom you shared a shameful story, only to have them respond in such a way that wasn’t comforting? It’s an act of courage when we share an embarrassing story, or when someone shares with us, but few of us learn how to provide a space of compassion and support. Brene Brown writes that speaking out about shameful experiences keeps them from growing and becoming even worse inside of us.

    So what’s the best way to respond? Listen deeply. Express empathy. Don’t blame the person but also don’t try to fix the situation. Make it clear that you are standing with them and let them talk. It may require heightened awareness to manage your response, but I believe it’s worth the effort.

    This article has been republished with permission from our contributing author, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus. Please visit Dr. Jenn’swebsite to view original post and more of Dr. Jenn’s works.

  • My Introduction To Rape Culture

    My Introduction To Rape Culture

    I remember exactly when I first understood what “rape culture” meant.

    I was nineteen and a sophomore in college. I was talking with a woman I knew about gender and sexual politics, and I just wasn’t getting it. She was describing what it was like for her to move through the world as a woman, to be constantly under sexual surveillance, to always be worried about whether some guy would harass or attack her, to never know if she could walk down the street without getting cat called. This was pretty foreign to me, because I’d never seen any of this happening.

    Partly, that was because I’d never really fit in with most other boys and I didn’t understand how the performance of masculinity encourages boys and men to compete with each other to demonstrate their manhood. I simply didn’t play those games. But more than that, it was because men don’t do the same things when they see a woman with a man. I had no idea that women’s experiences walking down the street were so different when I wasn’t there.

    So my friend gave me a challenge that changed my life. She offered to walk down the street on a weekend night and allow me to walk behind her so I could see what happened. I took her up on it and the next Friday night, out we went. She was dressed in pretty standard “going out” clothes and we headed out to the strip of stores, bars, and restaurants that most college campuses seem to have within walking distance. I stayed about twenty feet behind her- close enough to observe without seeming like we were together. And I was shocked at what I saw.

    Individual guys whispered or made comments about her as she passed them. They’d ask her where she was going or simply turn and stare at her ass. Groups of guys were worse, though. I could see them checking her out and talking to each other about her body and appearance. A few times, one guy in a group would say something and the rest of them would laugh while staring at her. And twice, one guy said something, followed by another guy escalating either the volume or the message, with another dude chiming in. I could see them all competing with each other to be the most macho, not caring that their games were at the cost of my friend’s feelings of safety.

    It was an eye-opening experience for me. It was the first glimpse I got at the crap that women have to put up with, simply for moving through the world. I started paying attention to it more and thought about how I would feel if I couldn’t go anywhere in public without having to think about getting harassed, how I would feel if I couldn’t feel safe walking down the street. If a picture is worth a thousand words, getting to see this for myself was worth so much more.

    Over time, I came to see that I needed to do more about this than simply not participate in it myself. In my workshops on sexuality, masculinity, and gender, I’ve had the opportunity to talk with people of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, and backgrounds about these topics. And one pattern that consistently shows up is that there are a lot ofcisgender men who act like this without realizing the impact it has. Many of them are so surrounded by the Act Like a Man Box that they see it as totally normal. Some of them would like to break out of it, but they don’t know how and don’t have the support to do it. And a lot of them are scared to change because other people will attack and shame them back into the box. It’s not just men who reinforce this prison.

    I also started to understand the connections between street harassment and sexual assault. One of the common threads is the belief that one person’s desires for sex, sexual attention, or validation as a man outweighs another person’s autonomy, safety, and consent. Another is that very few folks are actually teaching boys and young men about respect. Most of the conversations that I’ve seen center on shaming them without giving them the skills they need to navigate relationships. What if we could actually talk with boys about how to ask for sex, or ways to flirt without being creepy? I know some parents who are doing this, but the “boys will be boys” attitude is still common. Just as most people shy away from talking with girls about these issues out of discomfort with addressing adolescent female sexuality, we also avoid looking at adolescent male sexuality with any clarity. So is it any surprise that people grow up confused about relationships? Is it all that shocking that many of my coaching clients struggle with these same issues as adults?

    I’m deeply grateful to my friend for showing me what rape culture is about. For helping me understand that the world she moved through was so different from the one I moved through. For making it possible for me to take my first steps towards understanding what she and other women deal with every day. If you’re a cisgender man, I really encourage you to ask a friend if she’d be willing to do this experiment with you. Trust me. It’ll change your life.

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

  • PDA – Parental Displays of Affection

    PDA – Parental Displays of Affection

    Once people become parents, a lot of us generally don’t allow ourselves to be sexual beings anymore.  Why is that?

    When we were young and as we grew up, some of us desexualized our own parents (and sometimes our siblings as well).  That is, we removed all aspects of thinking of them as being or doing anything sexual.  There is lots of input in this society from peers, movies & media that older people and sex is “gross.”  This includes parents too.  Recently, there was a Modern Family episode where the kids walked in on their parents “doing it”. The parents stayed in their room and agonized over how best to explain what they were doing.  The kids were worried sick about the talk that would ensue.  Eventually, these kids realized on their own that seeing their parents in this situation was better than any alternative including fighting and divorce.

    Modern Family “Caught in the Act”

    We may have had a hard time thinking about our parents as sexual beings.  And then, when we became parents ourselves, we avoided trying to reconcile this discrepancy.  Many women’s attitudes or behavior toward sexuality shifts after childbirth.  Lots of women complain about their post-baby bodies.  Pregnancy is a bear on our bodies so it’s not hard to understand this feeling.  Many women start wearing t-shirts or sweats to bed.  Some husbands wish – mostly in silence – that the woman they fell in love with would dress in something a little more attractive, like the sexy lingerie, nighties or naked like they did B.C. (Before Children).  I have friends who, in wishing to spice things up again, went out and bought a comfortable yet sexy nightie, something not too over the top but yet sexy enough, for themselves and reported feeling more desirable.  That’s totally an unofficial study and hardly a valid sample but I can understand completely. Dressing in sexy clothing can make one feel sexy. If you want to try sleeping naked again while the kids are still young, go to bed naked.  Kids don’t know naked as good or bad or shameful until an adult scrambles to cover themselves up or slams a door in their face. If you notice, your children probably don’t have any shame about their little bodies and are rather proud of them.  This may have been a source of embarrassment for you.  It is this way typically until an adult tells them to keep themselves covered up. Mothers, think of your post-baby body this way: your partner isn’t seeing the flaws you sense in your own body.  They are simply thinking that they won the flipping lottery to be there with you naked!  Celebrate it!

    Some men have a hard time seeing their wives as sexual after childbirth.  Freud described what’s known as The Madonna/Whore Complex.  Roughly, the thought is that once a man’s female partner becomes a mother – this person with whom he has had tons of great, pre-family forming behaviour sex – he no longer can see her as the dirty girl of his earlier fantasies.  A mother is nurturing.  His mother was perhaps nurturing and he certainly didn’t think of HER as sexual (see above).  Now, the woman he used to ravage is a mother … reminds him of his feelings toward his mother… nope can’t do it.  Another factor could be whether or not the father witnessed the childbirth from behind the curtain in the Catcher’s position.  Most guys are ok with all of this, but a few guys may be unable to remove the image of the blood, placenta, etc, from their minds and as a result, they perhaps become hesitant to see them as “sexy parts” anymore.  Instead these guys think of them as functioning parts and lose their exclusivity as a playground. Either way, before children, chances are they were sexually active, enjoyed sex, and wanted to have it with their partner(s) often. Before you act on something outside the marriage (unless you have a spoken and/or agreed upon arrangement with your spouse), the best case here is to talk to a sex positive therapist about this.

    The fallout of Abstinence Only Before Marriage Sex-Education is that children are not learning about love or pleasure as a component of sex. Pleasure is an important aspect to learn about sexuality because it doesn’t set the child up for potentially self-sacrificing behaviour.  Since kids aren’t getting this instruction in school, parents can model this lesson for their children. I’ve written a few posts (here and here) in which I explain why I feel tying sex and love and pleasure together is important when teaching kids so I won’t bore you by repeating myself here.

    I want to tell you it’s ok for your kids to see you as parents who are in love with each other.  A child doesn’t know shame around affection until s/he sees other adults model that behaviour.  Picture this scenario: everyone is in the kitchen, one parent lovingly squeezes the others butt, and the squeezee shrieks, swats at the spouse, and says “not in front of the children!!”  Those love pats and small signs of physical affection are not a bad thing at all.  Imagine now, the same scenario, and instead of swatting at the squeezer, the squeezee turns around and plants a big wet kiss on him/her.  There’s the Element of Surprise for all involved and the kids might smile at the playfulness of it all.  Try the “Aunt Jemima Treatment” on your spouse.  Being a little silly might turn you and your spouse on. Of course if your kids are in elementary school or junior high, you might get an, “Ewww” but who cares?  That’s how some of these little beings came into this world in the first place, no?

    It’s ok for us as parents to show each other love and affection in front of our children.  Do so early and often so as to normalize the behaviour.  Talk to them about it too!  They will get used to seeing you together.  It’s healthy for them to associate love and sexual feelings modelled in a healthy adult relationship.  Being a parent and a sexual being, these two things are not mutually exclusive.

    xxoo

    2011 The MamaSutra

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

  • Let’s Talk About Music

    Let’s Talk About Music

    Who says making out has to be a silent lip-smacking activity? While I certainly do not desire to yelp like a puppy in heat or have my partner growl like a grizzly, some of our most intense “getting to know each other” sessions are carried out in the accompaniment of groovy music punctuated with the occasional “Mmmmm … Nice song”. Apart from the must-have tunes such as Black Eyed Pea’s My Humps, and Kelis’ Milkshake that are sure to get the slobber and juices going, here are some alternatives from my playlist that have made those hour-long romping sessions unforgettable. This can be incredibly handy for someone like me who has the tendency to loop my favourite songs but do not really want my partner to freak out when he discovers that I constantly listen to Bruno Mars’ Marry You and Ylvis’ What Does the Fox Say? on repeat.

    Savage Garden | I Want You
    “Magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine
    Sweet like a chica cherry cola”
    This is one of my personal favourites and it simply brings out the shiver of lust in you. It doesn’t even matter that you’re unable to catch up with the lyrics because by then, all you’ll probably be concerned about is keeping up with the on-off frenzied pace of the song as the frisky level hits an all-time high. This song is sure to leave you breathless and panting for more.

    Shakira | La Torture/ Hips Don’t Lie
    We all know there is something about Shakira’s songs that make us pump our fists into the air and sway those awesome boobies and booties to the thumping rhythm. Here are two tracks that simply ooze the ever so sensual “Colombianness” and I have a friend who swears by the latter. Every time she puts Hips Don’t Lie on, her husband’s sure to grip and flip her into the doggy. Talk about primal instincts.

    Jace Everett | Bad Things
    I have always been the impatient sort who never fail to fast forward tv shows’ opening themes and that’s until I heard Jace Everet on True Blood. While I am not exactly sure if am more captivated by the darkly alluring footage that feeds the morbid in me or fixated by the gritty lyrics, what I do know is that Evert’s rich, seductive growling voice makes me want to unleash those inner claws and rip some skin off my partner’s back while I graze on his lips…

    Savage Garden | Truly Madly Deeply
    How can anything be more eternal and breathtaking than standing with your loved one on a mountain, bathing together in the sea, lying like this forever until the sky falls down upon the both of you? Sure, this may come across as one of those cheesy star-crossed sonnets from Shakespeare’s tragedies but this is the very kind of romance every girl dreams of. Just imagine making out languidly on a meadow under a blanket of stars with a ridiculously irresistible male specimen (think Matt Bomer) and gazing dreamily into the skis with rainbows, unicorns and all … I think you get what I mean.

    Daft Punk | Harder Better Faster Stronger
    Whereas the dance-pop duo’s mainstream hit Get Lucky seems to be a reminiscence of one‘s hope to get laid with a gorgeous looking stranger, this lesser-known futuristic tune has a groove that gets the adrenaline flowing. It is fun, catchy and hypnotic at the same time and what’s better than a song with title and chorus that’s simply edging you to pump it on. Kinda motivating, isn’t it?

    While spontaneity is generally recommended, putting some effort into a playlist for some planned bedroom fun can yield a few surprising results. One thing’s for sure though, I do not want my partner to wait for Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years to get it on.

  • Five Things Men Can Do To Not Be Creepy

    Five Things Men Can Do To Not Be Creepy

    I’ve been following a lot of the conversations in various circles about creeps, both online and in various communities I move through, and I’m really glad that this topic is getting more traction. I know that it’s a tough thing to bring up, for a variety of reasons, but until something gets brought into the light, it’s not going to change. Creepiness ends up affecting all of us, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and it’s especially challenging for male-female interactions. Plenty of women have articulately described how annoying it is for them, though so far, I’ve seen far fewer men talk about how it affects us.

    It’s important for guys to be talking about this, too. Given the very scary possible consequences for women when men approach them, I think it’s entirely reasonable for someone to assume that a random guy hitting on her is a possible predator until he demonstrates otherwise. I understand that that creates a frustrating situation- after all, who likes to have to prove their good intentions? And it’s also one of the many ways in which sexism and misogyny make things harder for men. If you want that to change, work to change things. Don’t complain that women don’t assume you’re a good guy. Their reasons for not doing so are useful protective measures in a world that sets them up as targets to be harassed, groped, and assaulted while simultaneously blaming them for it. You’d do the same thing in their shoes.

    WHAT DOES “CREEPY” MEAN?

    As far as how we can change things, one piece that I think we need to look at is what makes someone a creep. I’ve heard lots of women say things like, “I just know it when I see it,” which doesn’t offer much to work with. Unless we can pin down some of the things that prompt that reaction, it’s not likely to change. So I’ve been thinking about that word and what it means lately, and I think that this video offers a pretty good visual explanation.

    Sure, it’s sort of cute to watch a cat inch up every time the camera looks away. And I think that illustrates one of the common ways that creeps act. It’s the constant testing of limits, whether that’s moving into someone’s personal space, touching them without permission, getting permission for one kind of touch and then moving past that, and so forth, that makes it creepy. It’s because they keep looking for ways to creep past the boundaries. It creates a no-win situation for the recipient. If she doesn’t say anything, the creeping continues. If she does, he can claim that he didn’t mean anything, or that she misunderstood, or call her a bitch and attack her verbally or physically. Instead of being up front about it, a creep can push things and then claim innocence when he’s called on it, especially since plenty of people will ask her what she did to prompt it instead of asking him what made him think that was an acceptable way to act.

    One thing that adds complexity to this is that slut-shaming makes it harder for women to initiate anything because it makes them vulnerable to being attacked. I’ve spoken with plenty of people who are convinced that men should make the move and women shouldn’t do anything more than signal their receptivity. And even when guys do take the first step, women are supposed to be demure in their responses- if they look too interested, there’s the possibility that they’ll be slut-shamed. So the entire system is set up to teach boys and men to be creeps because we’re supposed to keep inching forward. After all, we’re told that if we don’t, then nothing happens.

    That’s one reason we need to stop slut-shaming. When we respect women, regardless of their sexual choices, we create room for different dynamics. Instead of him chasing her, they can each move forward or away as they see fit. Just imagine how different that would make things.

    In that light, here are a few things that men can do to not be creepy. All of these assume that you don’t want to be creepy, of course. If you get off on crossing someone’s boundaries, either you need to learn how to play with that within a larger container of consent or you should admit that you enjoy assaulting people. So for the guys who don’t want to be creepy, here are my suggestions.

    MANAGING SEXUAL ENERGY

    1) Learn how to manage your sexual energy. If you feel attracted to someone or if you feel turned on, that’s yours to deal with. It isn’t anyone else’s responsibility, any more than your feelings of hunger are someone else’s responsibility. Yes, I get that it’s not entirely under your control any more than you can completely control hunger when you see something you’d like to eat. And just as you’re responsible for your responses when you see a hamburger, no matter how hungry you are, you’re responsible for your sexual energy, no matter how hot someone is.

    This piece is definitely easier for many men as we get older, whether that’s due to learning some skills, changing body chemistry, or something else entirely. But it can be something that any of us can struggle with, especially when drugs or alcohol are involved. I found tantra practices to be especially useful when I wanted to find ways to manage my sexual energy without denying or squashing it. If you’re not woo-averse, you might want to check them out and see what they can offer you. Despite the hype as methods for increasing pleasure and enhancing intimacy (which they can also be), they’re also useful techniques for energetic self-regulation.

    MAKE CONSENT PART OF YOUR APPROACH

    2) Instead of imposing yourself on someone else, make it very clear that the interest, desire, and consent of the person you want to ask is important. It’s not all that hard to do. In fact, here’s an easy formula. Start off with a conditional statement like:

    If you’re interested…
    If you’re in the mood…
    If you’re available…

    And follow up with a statement of your desire:

    I would enjoy chatting over coffee with you.
    I’d like to kiss you.
    I’d love to go out to dinner with you.

    The advantage of this approach is that it demonstrates that your interest is contingent on hers. Of course, you have to actually mean that, but if her desire and consent don’t matter to you, you’re well into rapist territory.

    RESPONDING TO REJECTION

    3) Learn how to deal with rejection. I know full well how difficult it can be to take a chance, put yourself out there, and not get the response you want. Rejection hurts. In fact, the distress from rejection and shame is processed in the same part of the brain as the distress from physical pain. Finding ways to cope with that and build some resiliency is crucial, though. One of the reasons some guys lash out and verbally or physically abuse women who turn them down is that they don’t know any other ways to deal with the distress they feel, especially when it’s grounded in their sense of masculinity.

    I think it’s also important to learn the difference between unavailability and rejection. Unfortunately, rejection can trigger shame reactions, so learning some shame resilience is part of this process. That’s not a quick fix- shame resilience can take a while to develop. I’m a big believer in therapy for that.

    UNDERSTAND WOMEN’S EXPERIENCES

    4) Deal with the fact that many women are bombarded with sexual interest, invitations, harassment, groping, and worse on an almost constant basis. That means that no matter how well-phrased your invitation and no matter how considerate you are, there’s a possibility that she’ll receive it differently than you intend. The best response in those situations isn’t to try to justify or explain yourself because that almost invariably comes across as you telling her that she’s wrong. Believe me- that’s not going to help.

    Instead, try saying something like, “I’m sorry that I intruded on you. Thank you for telling me.” And then disengage. Instead of trying to prove you’re cool, show her. Actions speak a lot louder than words. And remember that “no” is a sufficient response.

    KNOW WHEN (AND HOW) TO APOLOGIZE

    5) If you slip up (and everyone does), learn how to make amends. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you’ve done something that’s not in alignment with your values or expectations for yourself. But that’s the best way to avoid creating a situation in which resentment takes over the interaction. And trust me- resentment is not conducive to a happy time.

    The fact is, sometimes, boundaries are going to get brushed up against or crossed, even with the best of intentions. But if you step forward with care and with attention to the response, it’ll be a much smaller thing than if you go full-speed. And when it does happen, the best response is to acknowledge it, offer an apology, and step back. Depending on the situation, there might be room in the future to try again, but whether there is or not, at least you won’t be a jerk about it.

    WHAT ELSE?

    I don’t think this covers all the things guys can do to not be creepy, given that there are lots of other ways that men creep. But I think it’s a good start and, at the very least, these steps can help create happier relationships. And all of them can be useful at any stage, from an initial introduction to a long-term relationship.

    If you’re skeptical about it, try giving it a try and see what happens. Start with #2 since it’s the easiest one to experiment with. I’m willing to bet that you’ll see that the payoff is a partner who feels more comfortable and safer, which is one of the best ways to create a happy sexual connection that thrives. If that’s not positive feedback, I don’t know what is.

    The only way we’re going to change the cultural messages that encourage and enable creepiness is by living it. So if there are additional things you think men can do to not be creepy, comment below. Let’s see what else we can come up with.

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.