Category: Lifestyle

“A funny thing happened on the way to the Rec Center”…

As a mom, I occasionally read the posts in the forums of my local mom’s club. One struck me yesterday and I was moved to respond. Here is the question:

“Horrified by tween conversation–Warning TMI–what should I have done?

I was walking in to the front door of the gym at the community center with my 14-month old and right outside the door was a group of about 5 kids who looked 12ish. Without any regarding for me, my baby, or the other young children running around outside one of the girls (all nice looking kids) was saying very loudly, “I have not given any hand jobs.” Then one of the boys said. “Bull #$%&! I know you. You’ve sucked tons of C#%&s!” And they went on like that and were still doing so as I walked inside. I was so shocked and disturbed, I felt that I should say or do something, but didn’t. Should I have, and what, or am I just an old mom who should mind her own business?”

I think it’s a great question and is something that can happen to any of us regardless of geographic area. Here is my response to these mothers (edited from original form for flow and a small part in brackets added now):

I’m less concerned about the 14-month-old hearing language like that. This child has no context and it will go over his/her head.

It sounds to me like these kids were posturing for the adult’s benefit to some extent. Remember showing off for others at that age? They sound like they were using language (and volume) like that to shock more than anything else. It’s rather immature.

That being said, there is a definite shift these days to sexual behavior happening earlier and earlier. For as much as these girls are talking about the behaviors they perform on the boys my question is this: What are they getting out of it? In my opinion, all of the abstinence only before marriage sex education out there keeps sex impersonal and simply as reproductive biology. It is up to us as mothers to explain to our children the love and caring component of sex and sexuality. And that sexual behaviors have an effect on us emotionally as well as physically. Not to mention the STI risks.

Recall your youth carefully. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Do you recall the age you first experimented sexually… with yourself… with others? Lots of us have successfully blocked this stuff out of our memories. There is enough shame, guilt, and embarrassment around sex that we tend to cut ourselves off. [I know plenty of women who did not know enough about themselves and what they liked or wanted until they were well into their 30’s. Was this you too? Do you yet feel comfortable asking for what you want from your partner?]

We forget that sex is a natural human behavior because we automatically think it’s not for kids. It’s not for young children obviously, but when the average age for first intercourse is 16 and the average age of first marriage is 25, it may be a bit idealistic to assume teens are not “sexually active” until marriage. Were you active before you got married? This is where it is so important to be talking to our kids early and often about sex related topics, making sure to give honest and accurate information along with our own values about sex. Kids know where our buttons are, and if this topic is one for you, they are gonna push it – maybe even in public.

I realize at this point that I have not answered the initial question “Should I have [said something] and what, or am I just an old mom who should mind her own business?” If you feel that strongly to speak up by all means do so. Next time you hear this you could say something along the lines of… “If you have sucked tons of cocks, I sure hope you all are using condoms to protect yourselves.” It’s fear based (STI’s) which is an approach to sex ed that I’m not a fan of and I’m less likely to go there if I say anything. And worry less about saying the “bad words” because I’m sure these teens have heard them all and worse since probably 4th grade. They’re using them aren’t they? You’re not telling them anything they don’t already know.

I prefer a more sex positive, pleasure based response that will get that girl thinking about what she’s getting out of it (which as we know is nothing, amiright ladies? just kidding). I think I would walk past the girl and say indirectly, “If you have sucked tons of cocks, I sure hope you are getting some pleasure out of it too.” But that’s me and talking about this topic has become second hand. I’m sure that sounds shocking, and I’m guessing it’s because some of you are not comfortable with the idea of teens and sex and pleasure. (<–Could that be why you were so shocked and disturbed?). I do think this sort of response shocks them back when they hear you using “their” terminology and also shocks because you are acknowledging the fact that they are sexual beings and not treating them as “kids”. It’s also going to embarrass them a bit if they are “good kids”.

As far as going to the officials inside that will have limited effect in my opinion. They aren’t sex educators nor can they be expected to monitor the conversation of all teens in and around the facility.

This is very difficult stuff. I get that. I have two young daughters too. I want to do everything I can to raise my girls to be sexually healthy, happy adults and I think taking the sting out of these behaviors by talking about them in the context of a loving, committed relationship is, in my opinion, the best. And besides, I’d rather have my daughters have their first orgasm on their own and take responsibility for their own sexuality than expect it to come from someone else.

I think it is important to note: the LACK of information to your children about sex *is* still sending them a very powerful message. Especially when it’s not there to counteract all the misinformation out there readily available to them. Talk to them early and often using age appropriate accurate info and facts. Make sure to talk with them about your values as well. Most kids understand more than we are ever willing to give them credit for. Most kids do still look up to their parents despite how independent they want to be and I’m sure they will appreciate straight talk.

This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

February 21, 2014
Top 3 Signs That She is Serious About You (and Not Your Money)

There seems to be many “nice” guys who are willing to spend a lot on the girl they love. However, you also want to be sure that she is not just a money-sucker. Even though primitively, women are looking for men who can provide for their necessities, many have evolved to become materialistic. It’s a thin line drawn here. But here are some signs you can use as a guide to “gauge” if ALL she wants is YOU.

1. She is not fussy about who pays for dates

While many guys don’t mind paying for meals and dates, this can be a good way to test if she really is a calculative one. Never do this on the first few dates as this may portray you as someone very stingy and lacking generosity. Leave your wallet at home on purpose for once, after the relationship is stable, and see how she reacts to this. Don’t bother with this girl if she calls off the outing just because of that. She cares more about money than spending time with you. She is a keeper if she reacts positively. Even if she doesn’t have much to offer, drinking coffee in the hawker can be a sweet date as well, because all that matters to her is your company and time.

2. She is not using material gains as a measure of your love for her

“Buy XXX handbag for me if you love me”, “Buy me something that is a good measure of your love for me”. Sounds typical? She may not say this out right but implications of such is already a good-enough sign. “Nice” guys are made to believe that giving expensive gifts to their partner is a display of love and sacrifice, and this makes her happy. Yes, that is true but this encourages her to love you because of what you can give and not for who you are. I am not saying that we should not spend on branded goods. Again, it’s a thin line drawn. It is OK to spurge once in a while for special occasions but using this as a way to blackmail or measure the amount of love you have for her is simply too superficial. She is here to stay if she can occasionally accept, or even be contented with, “affordable” yet meaningful gifts such as a little card, a small cake, a drawing, a handmade rose..

3. She reciprocates in every way

Many “nice” guys end up in a one-sided love relationship for a very long time, not even realizing that this has been getting very foolish and this girl is totally not worth their time. They give almost everything they have – time, effort and finances – and the girl just takes it for granted. You wait for hours under her house just to wait for her to doll up. She thinks this is “reasonable and acceptable” and gives you this treatment as a “matter of fact” with zero respect. You help run errands for her at the expense of your precious OFF day rest, and all you get is just a cold “Thank you” at the end of the day. If you are in such a situation, it is time to keep a look out for signs of reciprocity. Does she do-likewise for you in a similar circumstance? Does she also get you an expensive gift on a special day? Does she also give you a small massage when you are tired? Does she also hear you out, like the way you do, when you have a bad day at work? In short, if you see that she is also putting in 100% of her effort, just like the way you do, you should really keep and treasure her.

February 20, 2014
INFOG: Sex by the Numbers

Who’s doing what, when and how? This INFOG clearly explores the mathematical side of things. Give your comments on the numbers!

Explore more infographics like this one on the web’s largest information design community – Visually.

February 20, 2014
Putting It |ON|

This is for the benefit of those ladies out there who are too shy to question and the men who never care to share. It all started with a seemingly innocent statement when the mon ami and I were walking down the streets of Rueil-Malmaison one evening. I was checking out a condom vending machine by the pharmacy when he blurted that he would have to purchase some condoms for his friends as the ones in Singapore were not as comfy. The wheels started turning in my head and before long, I was bombarding him on the types of condoms that are exclusive to Paris. While I was vaguely aware of the selection that is available to the male population, I was never properly introduced to these. Moreover, I had always assumed that those fanciful looking square boxes were simply mere products of marketing gimmicks and the condom is well … just a piece of very useful phallic-looking piece of rubber for preventing the holy mother of all accidents. Hence, I embark on yet another great google-hunt. This together, with some personal feedback that I have gathered will hopefully, add some variety to the bedroom.

One of the most apparent difference is that of the diameter, with condoms sold in Europe and United States offering a bigger diameter for the better endowed while the Asian equivalent provides a snug fit. In addition, condoms in Europe and the United States are available in premiums of 18 while the ones in Asia are usually limited to 12 a pack. A number of condoms have also emerged as top favourites among Durex users. Durex’s Super Safe is resistant to wear and tear, and perfect for those who like it rough. On the other hand, Fetherlite is durable yet comfortable enough for one to forget the feeling being encased in a piece of rubber while having sex. The crowd-winning Pleasuremax comes in a bright pink box and even though it is slightly thicker than its counterparts, the dots and ridges aid in giving that little extra bit of stimulation and undeniable joy. Durex Love is also widely popular as it is much thinner in comparison to its counterparts, hence providing that added sensitivity without slipping.

Apart from these, there are a number of non-mainstream condoms such as Sir Richard’s natural latex condoms that are vegan and lack that offending latex flavor and smell. In addition, tantric-style sheaths that are embellished with tattoo-esque designs not only served to maximize textured pleasure, but also instantly transform the penis into an exquisite looking shaft which I personally find to be rather disturbing but well, to each his own . With this knowledge, ladies no longer need to play a passive role when it comes to their partners’ selection of condoms. As for me, that very pack of Pleasuremax has been added to this weekend’s to-do list 🙂

February 17, 2014
Making Lust Last

“How can we reignite the passion?” In my practice as a somatic sex educator I often hear this question as I work with couples who once came together with great sexual happiness. In the limerance of a new relationship, they made a decision to share their lives. But the biochemical and social processes that ignite new lust and love do fade. What then? Is there a way to recreate and maintain a passionate connection in a long-term relationship? I say, “Yes,” and it takes commitment: commitment to learning, commitment to pleasure, and commitment to conscious sexuality.

Commitment to Learning

Sex is not something we instinctually know. We can’t learn it in a high school health class or a weekend workshop. Sex is a vast curriculum and a transformative matrix of body, mind, spirit and emotion. There are ancient sacred traditions and new scientific discoveries. Our sexual needs are always changing as our bodies age, relationships alter, courage deepens, traumas surface. We can all be lifelong learners of sex. I encourage my students to embrace the mystery of not-knowing: What will please your partner today? What can you be erotically? Sadly, it can feel easier to change partners than to change established patterns with an existing partner. To avoid feeling bored, we need to become less boring, and more curious, open, and involved.

When you begin with a commitment to learning, you will find many learning resources. There are books, videos, tools, toys. There are sexual professionals including therapists who can help couples address issues that block their access to pleasure, and educators like myself who can assist you in learning new approaches and techniques.

Commitment to Pleasure

Our lovemaking becomes mundane because we set limits on how much pleasure we are willing to experience. I suggest my students focus on pleasure, and accept it as an inner guide. What delights you? How good can you feel? What are your pathways to pleasure? We can allow diverse pleasures to be felt and savored, whether they are sexual in any conventional way, or not. Prioritizing pleasure often means that intercourse and orgasm stop being an invariable script for sexuality. We take pleasure in the journey. We feel, fantasize and practice our sexuality all day long. Along with this refocusing, we stop waiting for our partners to bring us pleasure, and start taking responsibility for the practice of joy. We begin noticing and focusing on what pleases us about our partners, creating an environment where passion can flourish.

Commitment to Conscious Sexuality

In long-term relationships, sex becomes something we make happen rather than something that happens to us. Do you miss the hormonal surges that make sex feel paramount and effortless? Because our culture is so uncomfortable with sex, we want to be swept away by desire. It can feel very uncomfortable to choose sex consciously, deliberately and mindfully. It can seem silly to schedule time for sex. But if we want to come alive to our erotic potential, both individually and in relationships, we need to cultivate sexual energy. This means giving sexual feeling time, attention, and approval.

We can experiment with techniques and approaches for having “warm sex.” Instead of looking or waiting for focused intensity, practitioners of warm sex cultivate calmer experiences of pleasure. Playful fun, sensuality and affection can create an erotic playground that is joyful in itself, while holding space where hot passion can occasionally flourish.

What do you need to say “yes” to sex? Couples can get into soul-draining patterns where one person is always the initiator of sexual interactions and the other experiences sex as a demand placed upon them. Others feel they must wait to heal their relationship issues before they can say “yes” to sex, loading erotic pleasure with a requirement for tender feelings that may be in short supply in the absence of sex. Why not experiment with expressing a range of emotions sexually: anger, frolic, naughtiness, mindlessness? We can play doctor, play dominatrix, have sex in a car, have a wild affair with our spouse.

When couples choose to explore the path of pleasure, learning and conscious sexuality, an astonishing richness becomes possible. We can share profound bonding, ecstatic awareness, and infinite variety within a single relationship.

February 14, 2014
How Fitness Helps Prolong Being Physical

It is no secret what is important to men and women, and when it comes to love and sex. Each partner will tell you, regardless of their gender, “I want more, and I want it to last.” Now, I am not trying to bring up any insecurity on anyone’s part. I am simply trying to shed some light on a very simple situation to help both men and women make the most of their time together. I am not going to speak for every woman, but for the women I know and for myself, “WE LOVE SEX”. When we can get it, we want it to last, and as women we are willing to do our part, and we want our men to do their part as well. I think most men do try, they just need information on how to beat the clock, so to speak.

It is like when you go to the gym for a work out, or you go to work and you see the guy who is catching all the attention. It happens for women too. It is always the same ones. The woman with the legs that go all the way up to her, oh yea, you know her. Then there is the guy who has the “chick getters.” The biceps that are so prominent underneath the sleeves of his polo shirt, you almost think that the shirt is tailored to fit that well. It is those little things that catch the eye of the opposite sex. Inevitably, we find ourselves staring at the ‘leggy’ girl to see what is on her lunch plate, or the guy with the ‘arms’ to see if that is a protein shake he is drinking? We want to know their secrets!

It is all physical and it makes us drive a little slower when we see the gym on the corner. As the day comes to an end, you start thinking of how you could get a run in, or add a workout into your day. The sex appeal is there and that insecurity comes sneaking up on you. When you get home, and your partner is in the mood, you tend to think about how you will look in six months and it gets you through the time together. It seems rushed though, and the old familiar argument comes back up, “You just aren’t into me, what’s wrong, don’t you find me attractive?” “Is it someone else?” How do you say, “Yes, it is someone else.” “It’s me, wishing I were him, giving you what you want and need.” Think about it. Here she is thinking, “If I looked like her, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me.” Instead of sliding into home plate, he would still be caressing second base. Maybe if we took things a bit slower, and realized first, be with who you are with. Leave that guy at the office, and the girl with the sexy legs at the water cooler. If you want sexy legs or flashy biceps, then get them. However, those are just part of what brings us together. It is part of the workout, part of the gym world and what happens to the body when you invest in fitness.

Fitness is sexy. Let’s not deceive ourselves. However, let us start talking about the benefits of fitness, how it is related to sex, and how we can make the most of the time we spend together. That is really what happens when we come together as intimate partners, or sexual partners. We take our time with each other. Instead of rushing off to the gym and walking in with our own agenda, which leads to us walking out disappointed, we make it about making improvements within. Once you feel as if you are accomplishing something, that is what makes you come back for more. If you can see or feel changes, especially if it is sexually, then chances are you have found motivation. Men and women alike have what is known as Pubococcygeus muscles, or (PC) muscles. Yes, who are we kidding, no one uses this term over dinner conversation, so this is something you may not have heard of before. You may know the term pelvic muscles. Those muscles for women that help you during childbirth. For men, what about prostate health, or those muscles that make your penis move up and down? These muscles are controlled with exercise, just like any other exercise. There are exercises called Kegel exercises.

These exercises provide strength, intensity and control. Men and women can learn to strengthen these muscles. Kegel fitness will stimulate the orgasmic response for both parties allowing resistance during intercourse. This will make the time you have together last longer, right from the start. The strength and resistance of the muscles of both man and woman, will intensify the orgasmic response. During intercourse, it is natural for a man to thrust as the vagina tightens; however, if both parties practice Kegel exercises, when the man feels the tightening of the vagina, instead of thrusting, he can use those muscles to squeeze against the tightness. This provides a different form of stimulation. This is where the ability to control those muscles comes in. A woman controlling her pelvic muscles, controls her orgasms. Yes, orgasms. A woman can have multiple orgasms; therefore, men have always felt at a disadvantage somewhat because of this. Why should they? A man controlling his pelvic muscles, controls his orgasms. He experiences “dry” orgasms by controlling his ejaculation. Whenever he feels orgasmic sensations, he can squeeze his pelvic muscles, thereby preventing the semen from being released, but still feeling the orgasm.

As you can see, fitness isn’t just about toning and firming those muscles for the world to see. It is about those muscles we don’t see. Those muscles used for purposes other than to impress onlookers and passers-by. Fitness isn’t just about living longer, it’s about loving each other longer, for longer periods of time, and being happy about it too.

February 13, 2014
More orgasms, less pain
Forget pain relievers – have an orgasm instead! Self-medicating with an orgasm can cause relief from severe headaches, generalized muscular pain, and even a migraine. If you have one at the beginning of your migraine it is possible at times to stop it from progressing. Orgasms are also amazing stress relievers. Of course when you are in pain you may not feel like having sex but using it therapeutically can be very beneficial.

Sex releases endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, which helps manage pain – causing a 70% pain decrease on average. Who wouldn’t want to have an orgasm over taking Aspirin or Ibuprofen?

When you have an orgasm it has a natural pain killing effect on the body. Immediately before orgasm, levels of the hormone, Oxytocin, surge to five times their normal level. This activates the release of endorphins, which alleviate the pain of everything from muscle pain to arthritis and those irritating migraine headaches. For women, sex also prompts the production of estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS.

When sex is not desired, you can use masturbation that ends with an orgasm to produce the exact same pain relieving effects. For women, getting a clitoral stimulator, which can bring about orgasm quickly, is very useful (most well-known is the Hitachi Magic Wand). It can also save time if sex isn’t an option.

SEX: PAIN RELIEF AND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

A research study showed that orgasm induces elevations in blood pressure and pulse, as well as neurotransmitters and hormones responsible for mood. Sexual arousal stimulates vital hormones in women that lead to more intense orgasmic response and feelings of sexual desire. Oxytocin is a chemical hormone that increases during orgasm in both men and women. It has been reported that oxytocin levels increase in association with massage and with positive emotion, but decreased in relation to sad emotion. Social stimuli are thought to cause oxytocin release, and as a result make positive social contact more rewarding. A 20-second hug can be enough to stimulate oxytocin release and bring about a change in emotion. Oxytocin enhances the level of subjective arousal and pleasure when women experience orgasm, and have an effect similar to endorphins, which play a role in the human sexual response. Either way, the release of oxytocin during the sexual response has pain-relieving benefits.

Research studies on oxytocin report that women have higher oxytocin levels when they are in a close relationship, during positive emotional states, and when they are more secure in their relationships. Women, not in a relationship, have lower oxytocin levels and more difficulty with emotional openness. In the more secure subjects, the higher levels of oxytocin seemed in turn to reinforce their bond with their partners.

Emotional Pain

Emotional withdrawal can be the result of emotional pain and sometimes depression. The symptoms are lack of energy and fatigue. If a person is in pain it restricts the ability to reach out emotionally, it depletes one’s energy and impairs physical ability to participate socially. This leads to social deprivation and loss of interest in activities. This can develop into a loss of self-esteem. Emotional withdrawal is both the cause and effect of fatigue, pain, and social deprivation.

Happy social interplay is energizing. Who doesn’t like to play? It distracts the perception of pain, and enhances the sense of self-esteem. Sexual interplay is the most intimate and meaningful of social interplay. It is the most powerful remedy for the de-energizing loss of self-esteem. Consider different positions and methods of providing sexual pleasure with a partner. The capacity for natural enjoyment is impaired by the loss of self-esteem, physical difficulties, and pain. The best support and medicine is a loving, caring sexual encounter that can be practised frequently!

SEX DOES THE BODY GOOD!

Studies report that having sex even a few times a week can lead to overall health benefits including:
- Improved sense of smell: After sex, production of the hormone prolactin surges causing stem cells in the brain to develop new neurons in the brain’s olfactory bulb, the smell center.
- Reduced risk of heart disease: A study reported that having sex three or more times a week, men reduced their risk of heart attack or stroke by half.
- Weight loss, overall fitness: Sex is the best source of exercise and can burn up to 200 calories — about the same as running 15 minutes on a treadmill. The pulse rate, in a person aroused, rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, the same as that of a person working out at maximum effort.
- Muscular contractions during intercourse work the pelvis, thighs, buttocks, arms, neck and thorax. Sex also boosts production of testosterone, which leads to stronger bones and muscles.
Is it possible to have too much sex?

Good news ladies! For women, probably not, for men, yes! University of Bristol researcher, Dr. Claire Bailey, says that there is little to no risk of women having too much sex, in fact, regular sex improves posture and firms your thighs and butt. For men, the penile tissues can sustain damage from too rough of sex and overuse which can lead to permanent damage. Viagra and Levitra are drugs that give men more staying power than is actually good for them – being sexually active is healthy but putting too much demand on the body can sometimes be physically more than the body can handle.
February 11, 2014
Hypnotic Sex

Hypnosis was brought into the forefront of scientists and societies’ minds when the Austrian born Sigmund Freud, 1836-1939 explored psychoanalytical psychology. Similar to me, Freud had worked with sex and the unconscious for much of his professional life. I have a great deal of respect for Freud and his theories as he is very much misunderstood among the psychological fraternity and society. 21^st century psychological mind-sets forget Freud was born over 100 years ago but his theories were very much beyond his years. He had a troubled childhood, a domineering mother and an emotionally absent father when he was in the household. I believe he most possibly was bisexual in his own sexual orientation but bisexualism and homosexualism was not spoken about when Freud would be exploring his sexuality as an adolescent. Again a similarity to me, Freud explored the psychological aspects of sex and the unconscious to understand his sexuality and sexual practices. It was in fact what got me interested in training and working as a sex therapist and trauma therapist.

Society today, has a lot to thank Freud for as he was the first individual to name aspects of the human unconscious. Some theorists will take Freud’s theories with ‘a pinch of salt’, this is fine as I believe Freud laid his theories on the table and subsequently, we as educated people or society could pick up his ideas, think about them be it strongly and accept it, or, dispose of them and forget them, do with it what we will. The important consideration is he offered us that option by laying his ideas on the table for us to explore them critically. If they are not thought of, or, thought about, there is nothing to consider, we have Freud and his great mind to thank. Without him, we may be in a different place altogether with psychology and may not even have names for the aspects of the unconscious.

‘Hypnosis’ derives from the Greek word, ‘hypnos’ which translates as a word for sleep. It is widely known; sleep is behaviour and is a natural function for animal or human to recover energy resources to continue living and functioning. Additionally, whilst under the behaviour of clinical sleep, clinical hypnotists can make suggestions to a patient to positively recall, or, reframe experiences. Such experiences could possibly be sexual, for instance, to improve, or, replace beliefs and perceptions of painful sex, difficult sexual experiences, sexual dysfunctions and enhancing orgasms. My work entails patients requesting knowledge and confidence in sexual performance, rape recovery, and sexual abuse. Although, my media work is more about how men can improve their sex lives. In western society, there appears plenty of evidence for women to explore their sexual identity, sexual practices and sexual behaviour. Whereas, for men, there is limited evidence, which is what motivated me to hold up the banner for men. Therefore, I analysis sexual behaviour for men, that is men who have sexual experiences with other men, be they, gay, bisexual, straight, or, straight curious. Interestingly, there seems to be an increase in heterosexual men reverting back to ancient Greek sexual philosophy where they enjoy sexual intimacy of another man.

I have experience in men requesting how they can gain multiple orgasms through hypnotic suggestion and perception to heighten their sexual climax. This is done by themselves or, with their partner by learning self-hypnosis techniques and then recalling the best orgasm to date. By this amplification of the sensations felt while mutually masturbating is made stronger. Although, it is wise to speak with a medical doctor to make sure your heart is in good order as it is known that people can experience heart attacks whilst enjoying sex.

There are people who enjoy sexual fetishes of being hypnotised for sexual pleasure; this I must admit is usually men. I have noticed an increase of men around the world who inquire about learning skills of self-hypnosis for shrinking (this is where the hypnotee perceives they have shrunk to maybe the size of an inch). The ideology of this is that the smaller they shrink too, the more sexual pleasure they experience through self or mutual masturbation until they reach sexual climax. The psychology of this is that one partner enjoys being dominated within a sexual experience. A lot of men like to be shrunk (be submissive) so they can perceive themselves being held by their female (dominant) partners. Whilst, on a physical level, the woman would not necessarily experience sexual stimulation herself for the shrinking of her partner, whereas she might on a psychological level due to feeling very powerful. The woman may also masturbate due to enjoying the process of her partner losing power and she gaining his. Although on a psychological level, sexual power and equality is an interesting topic in its own right and does beg the question, whether sexual power is perceived, or, actual.

February 9, 2014
To Be Had At Hello

So recently I found myself sitting on my ass in front of my computer on a Friday night, wondering what there was to do. You see, the latest season of Survivor hadn’t started yet, so my Friday nights were pretty much wide open for adventure. Except, having just gotten out of a long relationship, and realising that most of my girlfriends now had husbands and babies to contend with, I was pretty much left very alone to my own devices.

I’m not usually the girl without a life. And if you leave me alone with myself, I’m usually thankful for some peace and quiet, a little ‘me’ time, where I can do anything from paint my nails to write a Taylor Swift-esque breakup song. But sometimes all you want is to chill out somewhere with someone with whom you can enjoy some good conversation.

So what’s the modern girl to do? Set up an online profile of course. Upload a couple of cute camwh*** pics, fill in an essay or two about my personality, and then, well, wait. Me being the forward kind of girl, I mostly just click around everywhere and randomly send messages to people whose pictures or profiles catch my eye. But, just like with some other things in life, if you give, you should also expect to receive.

And receive I do. According to the stats on one dating site, I get an average of about 150 views a week, out of which maybe 30 to 50 actually translate into a message in my inbox. That’s quite a lot of emails to read! You’d think, wow, so many guys are interested; she must be spoilt for choice!

Hold it right there, buster. Photos and personality notwithstanding, let’s just consider why half of these messages will get chucked by me in an instant – sometimes with me not even bothering to open and read the full email itself. Here’s 10 tips on writing that first message that you could use:

1) Lose the lame pickup lines.

“Can you take me to the bakery? Cos I want a cutiepie like you.” is not a smart, witty introduction. Neither is the one about being late because you were busy slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress, before asking if I’m the princess.

2) Put in some effort.

Saying “Hi, wanna chat?” might have last worked only when you were last chatting on mIRC/ICQ. In that same vein, telling me you’re 27/M/Singaporean is like telling me you have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Tell me something I don’t know.

3) Be somebody.

If you’re sending me an email, there’s a chance another twenty people are too. How do you stand out from the bunch? First of all, don’t start with “Just a simple/normal/boring guy…” Preferably, also don’t admit to living in your office… or gym. In fact, why not try getting a life first, before coming back to online dating? Nobody wants to be with the guy who doesn’t ever do anything or go anywhere.

4) Don’t Ctrl C + Ctrl V please.

I know, there’s so many fish in the sea, if only you could just set up a net to catch a whole haul instead of dangling baits one at a time, waiting for one to hook. “Hey, I know, let’s just write a very deep, insightful, sincere message that introduces myself in a good light, and compliments her looks and personality, and that drives home the message that I’m interested in getting to know her.” And then because it took so much effort to actually write a message like that, wow, it’s too good not to be shared with the next girl, and the next, and the next… Yea, and what do we receive? A “copy-paste” message. So much for sincerity, really. This is the equivalent of forwarding us some mass-send email without even bothering enough to remove the Fwd: in the subject header or inserting “Dear (our name)” but leaving it in the default Microsoft Outlook blue in contrast to the rest of the email in black.

5) Don’t come off shallow.

Yes, pictures are all we can go by to tell if a person is butt ugly or pleasant-looking enough to actually sit across from at a coffee joint. But don’t make it sound like that’s all you noticed. “Hi I think you’re gorgeous” might work for some girls, I’m sure. Me, not so. First of all it sounds insincere; secondly if you’re gonna make it just all about looks, you better have a gorgeous picture when I click on your profile too. If you really want to compliment a girl, “Hi I love how beautiful/radiant/brilliant your smile is” might work better.

6) Don’t come off haughty.

I know, you’re probably a great catch. But boasting about your job, or car – or abs! – doesn’t make you appealing. ‘Nuff said.

7) Keep it PG – and in your pants.

I’m not sure if I should be impressed that in this fast-paced society, there are guys who are so efficient, they go straight to the point. Beyond asking whether I’d like to “have some fun”, I do get messages asking me if I’ll wear my heels in bed, or how I’d like to be tied up. And then there are those who tell me my pictures are the source of their… DIY. Like, ew. Am I supposed to be flattered?? (And no, my pictures are all very PG thank you very much!)

8) Save the debate.

My online profile isn’t full of motions waiting for you to oppose. Yes, I suppos e I could enjoy discussing the merits of say, green tea, on any given Sunday. But my likes and dislikes and preferences are not up for discussion on a line-by-line basis. They are also not statements to which you have to respond with “Strongly agree/disagree”, “Somewhat agree/disagree”, or “Neutral”. So please refrain from sending me a thesis because you’re not going to get a good grade for that!

9) Don’t be rude.

I’m not sure if the guys that do this think they are being smart, but they tend to form opinions from my profile and then strongly feel that they need to share those opinions with me. It runs the gamut of guys telling me I am idealistic, to those who question if my singlehood is due to my having unrealistic expectations of the world around me. Here’s a tip, not just for online dating, but all relationships and friendships in general: Don’t judge. If you can’t accept it, that is the direction in which you should, well, you know.

10) Just be.

After all those “Don’ts”, here’s one you really need to follow. Just be. Be yourself, be funny, be confident, be interested, be sincere. Be all of those things. Just type what you feel. If reading her profile made you chuckle, say so, mention which parts. If you were impressed with something she said, tell her so. If you think you share something in common, ask about it, share what you know. As I write this paragraph, it sounds so common sense, and yet… here we are, writing about it, because it’s important for you to know it!

And don’t forget to leave a call-to-action. Ok you’ve complimented her, you’ve pointed out the ways you guys might work great together, then what? What do you want? Do you want her to drop you a line? Grab a coffee together some time? Put it out there. Yeah, you might get rejected. Pretty big chance you’ll still get ignored anyways. But the girl that finally picks up on your heartfelt sincerity? My guess is she’s the one you’ll want to date. Good luck!

February 7, 2014
Ask Us – Natasha Tsarina

“Hi Natasha, I read your article and really love it. I’ve been trying to apply that to my own love life but am getting frustrated with my boyfriend. To him sex is done the moment he cums and this leaves me feeling frustrated”. – Aida

Dear Aida,

Thank you for writing to me. First, I want to tell you that you are not alone with your problem. Many men are the way you describe your boyfriend. The good news is that there are ways to make it better for you.

One way, the one I prefer is to use foreplay. Women in general do not reach their orgasm as fast as a man, most of us take quite a long time, and by using a lot of foreplay where your man touches you and kisses you is a way for you to come closer to your own orgasm, and not only that, it can prevent him from cuming too fast, if you don’t touch him.

Another way which can be useful is for you to be on top, that way you control the rhythm and can clearly see him and know when he is on his way to climax. If he does, you simply stop what you are doing and let him calm down.

Take care and happy love making.

Natasha

If you have a question for Natasha, drop her a question at our Ask Us page and she will gladly answer it for you.

February 5, 2014