Category: Lifestyle

5 Undeniable Signs He’s Using You

Some men are just out for a hookup buddy… here’s how to know if you’re being used.

Men and women often want different things from their relationships. If you’re emotionally involved with a guy, it’s possible that he might not feel as deeply. We have all dealt with this at some point in our relationships; the fear or realization that he’s just using me for sex.

Here’s a bit of relationship advice and a few signs to look for if you’re skeptical that he may not care as much about your hopes, dreams and personality as he does your compatibility in the bedroom. Some of the signs are easy to overlook, but don’t discount them! Both his words and his actions are important to watch for as you decide if he’s in it to win it, or just in it for a good time.

1. He only comes late at night.

Now, I know sometimes men will come over after a night of bar hopping with his buddies, but if he is only making that call when he’s drinking and it is late, you should know he isn’t interested in anything but a sexual relationship. A man who cares about you for you will want to spend time with you in the light of day, and without the lubrication of alcohol.

2. He always cancels plans with you.

You’re looking forward to hanging out together, but as soon as you are supposed to see him, he sends you a text saying he has to cancel. This isn’t just disappointing, it’s rude! You are worth having someone show up on time and actually stick to their word! Do not make excuses for him constantly cancelling; it’s his cowardly way of showing you he’s not interested.

3. He never takes you out in public.

Just as important as his willingness to see you in the daytime, a man you’re dating should be excited about taking you out! No excuses on this one: if you two never leave the house, you need to start asking yourself why that is. It’s fun to get lost in the sheets together sometimes, but you should also both enjoy a walk in the park or a dinner at a restaurant.

4. He tells you everything you want to hear, but doesn’t show you the things he says.

Actions speak louder than words, so if he’s just filling you up with charming and charismatic words, without proving what he says is true, it’s time to move on.

5. He is standoffish.

He knows everything about you, but your knowledge of him is limited. Relationships are for learning about each other and seeing if you two are compatible. If he tells you very little about himself, he’s either hiding something or he just doesn’t want you to know him. Maybe he doesn’t think you’re compatible for the long-term, or just doesn’t want to put in the effort because he knows he’s going to move on before you gets too comfortable.

It’s easy to ignore these signs, especially when you feel attached or excited about a potential new partner. But the fact is that if he’s displaying any of these traits, he is just using you for sex and does not want a relationship with you. Even though it may hurt to admit this, you deserve more than someone who doesn’t care about you.

February 3, 2014
SlutWalk Singapore
SimplySxy is delighted to have the opportunity to collaborate with SlutWalk Singapore (SWSG). This collaboration is in-line with SimplySxy’s mission to create awareness and provide accurate sexuality education for all our readers. SWSG has been active since 2011, conducting workshops, talks and events on a regular basis. For starters, here’s a little you should know about SlutWalk:

History of SlutWalk

SlutWalk started in Toronto in Feb of 2011 as a response to Constable Michael Sanguinetti’s statement at a York University safety forum that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order to not be victimized.” This sparked a backlash which has resulted in SlutWalk groups forming all over the world — from Seoul to New York City to Helsinki to Delhi to Johannesburg — to protest a culture that blames victims for rape, and to challenge the attitudes that come with that, which usually leave sexual crimes under-reported as a result. We recognize that we need to end not only the acts of sexual violence, but the excuses that allow that violence to continue.

A Manifesto

We are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result. We recognize that we need to end not only the acts of sexual violence, but the excuses that allow that violence to continue. This is not just a women’s issue or a men’s issue; it is everyone’s issue — regardless of gender identification, class, religion, race, or any other identity markers.

We seek to:
Join us in our mission to spread the word that those who experience sexual assault are not the ones at fault, without exception. Sexual assault is never justifiable, regardless of age, gender, class, profession, or race.

SlutWalk SG is currently carrying out a survey on Rape Culture and your participation is greatly appreciated. It will only take a minute of your time and the link to the survey can be found here. Watch this space as we bring you updates on SWSG 2014. For more information, please visit http://slutwalksg.com/
February 1, 2014
Holding on or Letting go

There are two choices in life – holding on or letting go. On a number of instances, I have been faced with that difficult decision-making. Every single time, it never gets any easier for me. It seems that whichever choice I make, there is either a resolution or a consequence that comes with it.

It is funny how we tend to hold on too much onto something or someone that contains a lot of memories in them. Regardless of the setting that we are in or we are going to be, somehow we still want to bring them with us no matter what. This recognition of such a general truth is applicable to every context usage in our lives, be it on things, on people, and on issues with our selves.

We should know when it is already time to walk away and let go, as well as when it is necessary to hold on and fight.

Letting go is not a one-time-big-time thing. It happens every day. I see it as a resolute choice to make, in which there is no turning back anymore. You do not get to press any rewind button and restart all over again. When you let go, a part of you dies inside and it is that kind of death that is irrevocable. But sometimes, letting go can be very helpful and it does us the favour of making our lives less complicated. When we let go, it is like throwing something heavy off our chest and recognizing that life is better without it. From time to time, it is necessary to let go of things and people, especially those that are becoming a burden to us. In letting go, we realize that it is either the healthiest choice we have ever made or something that we will regret for always.

On the other hand, most people think that letting go is the hardest choice that we will have to encounter in life. I would have agreed to that if I had no experience of it first-hand. But, because I do know and based on my own familiarity, I now beg to disagree to that belief. As an unsolicited opinion, holding on is more enigmatic than letting go, especially when we are the only ones who want things to stay exactly the way they are.

Holding on can be very debilitating in the long run. I am not trying to promote the concept that we should not follow our heart’s desires, but when we hold on to something or someone for far too long, it becomes a habit and habits are usually hard to break. At the very least, we should always see to it that whatever or whoever we are holding on to, should be worth it. We must keep in mind that regardless of losing that one thing or that one person we are desperately holding on to, we do not lose ourselves in the process.

It is not that holding on is a detrimental option. I am not against it. In fact, most of the time, I find myself holding on to things and to people more often than I should. However, I found out that not because we are holding on means we are doing what is more glorious. It is about the ‘why’ and the ‘what for’ behind it. In the end, we will have to honestly answer to ourselves if our reasons are worth it or not.

In life, we will always find ourselves in a quandary as to whether to hold on or to let go. When we reach that point wherein we need to make a choice, we should reflect upon and assess the situation carefully and subjectively, and not in a biased manner. It is important to use both our minds and our hearts to evaluate the pros and cons. It is true that our feelings and emotions can magnify our thoughts and we may end up making the wrong choice. But it is also true that in some situations, when we follow our hearts, we will never go wrong. That is one of life’s ironies. Living life is never a facile and carefree thing to do. As they say, you win some and you lose some. You just have to make up your mind, be firm with whatever choice you make, and not look back at it with regret.

Yes, there are two choices in life which we make every day. There are a lot of hurdles to pass through and we have to know which ones are worth letting go and holding on, because what it all comes down to is not just about winning the gold but about the sacrifices made and what was left until the very end.

January 28, 2014
Secrets of the Unpredictable Penis & How Psycho-Sensual Massage can help

She is cute and sexy, you caught her eye as you entered the room, instant chemistry flows causing a stirring below. Two hours later, hands have brushed thighs, cheeky stories have been shared, bums have been touched but just as the excited anticipation of the next few hours has crossed your mind, so has the apprehension that Mr Unpredictable may misbehave yet again and later, true to form, your temperamental friend once more seems to have a mind of his own and lets you down.

Does this sound familiar? If so then you have experienced what most men at sometime in their sensual encounters have also experienced, what is known as Situational Erectile Dysfunction. God forbid that you have a problem, of course this is not to tell yourself that it was the extra pint you had and yet just when you wanted things to go to plan, they didn’t and frustration and embarrassment ruled the day.

40 % of my clients have SED

Working as a Sexologist & Psycho-Sensual Masseur at least 40% of the clients I see come to me with what is now proving to be the most common and yet least understood sexual performance problem for men. Properly called Situational Erectile Dysfunction, it affects many men over the age of 35 and particularly those in high stress work environments. The myth that SED mainly affects older men is simply not the case as I see guys as young as 20 who also found at times that Mr Temperamental just won’t behave the way they want him to.

What is Situational Erectile Dysfunction?

Not getting or not maintaining an erection can fall into 5 main categories, some will be driven by physiological causes, others by psychological, some by a combination of both. They are:-

Primary: when the man has never been able to achieve an erection. This represents approximately 10% of cases of erectile dysfunction.

Secondary: when the man has had erections in the past, but can no longer achieve or maintain an erection. This traditionally has been viewed as the most common type of erectile dysfunction.

Situational: Much more common than research reveals, when the man can only achieve an erection in a particular situation or with a particular person. For example, he is able to achieve an erection with an extramarital partner, but not with his usual partner, or vice-versa. One of the most common scenarios for situational erectile dysfunction is the first time a man tries to have sexual intercourse with someone new.

Total: when the lack of erection is complete.

Partial: when there is a degree of erection, but is insufficient to allow sexual intercourse

For many men, the image of self is inevitably linked to a perception of masculinity which in turn involves functioning and performing well sexually. – A result of either physiological or psychological influences or often both. .

Generally, unless the sufferer is experiencing blood pressure problems or is taking some form of blood pressure medication or has heart problems or has general ill health, then the cause of SED will be mostly psychological and not pathological. It will probably be the body’s natural fight or flight mechanism (autonomic nervous system) reacting to a perceived fear signal that is causing the body to alternate from its rest & relax mode (Para Sympathetic) to its fight & flight mode (Sympathetic) when certain blood vessels and muscles and bodily characteristics alter their behaviour making a full erection impossible. Quite simply, nature has not designed men to “hunt & fuck” at the same time and things can go wrong at any point of the 3 stages of producing and maintaining an erection.

First Stage:
Sexual arousal, getting sexually stimulated from our thoughts and senses.

Second Stage:
The brain communicates the sexual arousal to the body which increases the blood flow to the penis.

Third Stage:
Blood vessels that supply the penis relax allowing an increased blood supply to flow into the shafts that produce the erection.

Psychological vs Physiological

Physiological causes can be due to a variety of conditions such as: Cardiovascular diseases, Diabetes, Disease of the Nervous System, Ageing, Medications, Smoking, Alcoholism, and Hormone Imbalance and can be treated with medical support.

However, in most cases the condition can also be influenced by Psychological processes and in many cases be the prime reason for intermittent erectile dysfunction. Generally, if involuntary erection occurs during the night or on waking in the morning but does not occur or is lost during conscious sex (with another or even during masturbation), then other emotional based influences will be the source.

These emotional influences generally fall into the following two areas, performance and acceptance, and if there is any worry around either of these two agendas then this will quickly convert into a feeling of fear around rejection or abandonment, which in turn switches on the primal survival mechanisms of the fight or flight reaction causing the autonomic nervous system to move from the para sympathetic mode that is needed for arousal to take place to the sympathetic mode of fight or flee.

Early Childhood Influences – Upside down triangle

Often, the way a man feels he should perform sexually will be connected to his early childhood psychological development. If he grew up in an environment where he was conditioned to be an achiever and to do well, then good performance is essential to his sense of self worth; on the other hand if he was taught to be a good boy and not disappoint others then his need to please his partner sexually will be paramount to him feeling relaxed.

If one views this like an upside down triangle, sitting on its point, the flat top is the area of his general behavioural platform, sexual performance a major part of this and the point of the triangle, at the bottom represents the primary driver that is influencing this behaviour. Between these points, there are often many layers of thought and behaviour that are taking place both consciously and unconsciously, gradually switching the brain from the rest & relaxed mode (para sympathetic) to fight or flight (sympathetic) and consequent loss of erection.

For example

Conscious

Thought 1 – “I really like this person and want to have sex with them”

Thought 2 – “I am worried about losing my erection”

Thought 3 – “If I lose my erection they will think I don’t like them “

Thought 4 – “If they think I don’t like them then they will not like me”

Unconscious Thoughts

Thought 5 – “If they don’t like me then I am not good enough”

Thought 6 – “If I am not good enough then I will be rejected”

Thought 7 – “If I am rejected I will be abandoned and will be vulnerable”

Thought 8 – “I may die”

How Can a Sensual Massage Help?

The private space of a comfortable massage room and the friendly welcoming openness of a trained Psycho-Sensual Masseur can create a supportive caring environment where any focus on performance is removed and where the receiver can concentrate on what he is feeling rather than what he is doing.

As the massage unfolds, the body slowly becomes relaxed, with the sensual strokes of the massage encouraging arousal to take place causing the body to respond and moving deeper into the para sympathetic mode. As anxiety levels fall and the body becomes rested, this attention on “self” encourages an erection to occur. As the receiver feels the erection grow, his confidence builds and so the body goes deeper into the relaxed state and the erection responds by getting even firmer, causing a positive spiral rather than the traditional negative spiral of anxiety/erection loss/ further anxiety/complete loss of erection.

Throughout the massage the masseur incorporates certain movements that may intentionally challenge the receivers comfort zones and mildly raise anxiety thus affecting the level of erection. By observing and reading these minute changes of the receivers dynamic, the masseur can begin to understand the possible psychological triggers that may be causing the arousal switch to flick on and off, giving an indication as to the under laying fear that is influencing the arousal process.

Also, with the attention on himself, the receiver is able to be more self aware of the influences and intensity of the erection. A discussion following the massage often reveals the core fear that is at the root of the anxiety and with further counselling, and psycho sensual massage, the sufferer can considerably reduce the occurrences of SED that he experiences.

Even if he still does not always “get it up”, with this better understanding of how he works, he can explain to his partner that it’s because he is so attracted to them that he can’t get a hard on rather than being a signal that he not attracted at all. Changing the thought process and communicating this to the partner will greatly lessen the possibility of SED taking place.

For Example

Better Conscious Thoughts & Actions

Thought 1 – “I really like this person and want to have sex with them”

Thought 2 – “But I am worried about losing my erection”

Thought and action 3 – “I will tell them that I like them and that I am worried about losing my erection ”

Thought and action 4 – “I will be honest and tell them that if I lose my erection it is because I am a little nervous and I want them to have a good time”

Better Unconscious Thoughts

Thought 5 – “Now, If I don’t get an erection they will understand that it’s not because that I don’t like them”

Thought 6 – “Now that they understand that I if lose my erection it is not because I don’t like them, they will continue to like me”

Thought 7 – If I am honest about my fears then they will understand my behavior and not judge me

Thought 7 – “If they don’t judge me I will feel accepted”

Thought 8 – “If I am accepted then I am safe”

Thought 9 – “ If I am safe I will be relaxed and my body will allow me to become aroused

Paradoxically Thought 9 shows that this shared openness and honesty should help him to feel calm and then he will probably get an erection anyway.

If you have any questions for Colin related to this subject or on any other sexual performance related issues, Colin will be delighted to answer them. He can be contacted at colin@intimacymatters.co.uk

January 22, 2014
Breakup Survival Guide

We all have one person we just can’t get over, and there’s usually no clear reason why that particular person has a hold on us. Some say it is a past-life connection, while others say it is because we finally found a special a connection with someone that we hadn’t found with anyone in a long time. Due to this connection, we hold onto that person longer than we should just because we don’t want to lose that feeling. And it seems like there’s no break up advice your friends, family, or anyone can give you
that will make you feel better. There isn’t an official “getting over your ex” handbook. But I’ve done a couple things in my past that have worked.

With Facebook being so prevalent in everyone’s lives, it’s necessary to not be friends with an ex at the start of a breakup. Many people will use subliminal messages via status updates to get each others’ attention. I know you want to know his every move, but for your sake, remove him in the beginning. If months down the road you two have figured out what most former couples can’t (how to be happy for each other) then by all means, re-add him as a friend. But not a minute sooner.

I also recommend staying away from his local spots. This became tricky for me and one of my exes because we both went to the same hangout spots, so our relationship went back and forth longer than it should have. We ran into each other while we were drinking, which, of course, is another bad idea. Do not text while drinking. With liquid courage you say all the things you wish you would have said sober, except it all comes out all at once and not in a very tactful way.

Of course, most people say that time is both your friend and your enemy. As time goes on, you’ll start to miss your ex less and less. As months go by, you’ll start to realize why your relationship didn’t work. Most people romanticize relationships in the beginning of a breakup because we think we want that person back. We miss them and we don’t want to be alone. The best thing to do is ask your closest friends what they thought of your relationship. They will be brutally honest because they were there when you were crying and bitching about your ex while you were still together.

Once you’ve finally, truly moved on, you’ll start to realize that if it was meant to be, it would have been. Some relationships happen to make us learn about what we want and what we don’t. Treat a relationship that didn’t work out as a learning experience and be happy that you came out the other side better for it.

January 16, 2014
Interview with erotic romance novelist Julie Shelton

Julie Shelton’s Dark Warrior

With two highly successful erotic romances novels, Loving Sarah and Owing Sarah, under her belt, Julie Shelton returns with her hotly anticipated third book, Dark Warrior. Based in Atlanta, Georgia, Julie received the Top Pick Award at Risque Reviews for Loving Sarah and is also a recipient of the EDPRESS Award for Excellence in Educational Journalism.

Due for release this January 15th 2014, I had the unique opportunity of getting to know Julie’s inspiration behind Dark Warrior and her passion for writing.

Mandy Tan: Congratulations Julie on the upcoming release of your new book Dark Warrior, as well as taking the time out to answer a few questions on SimplySxy. Please share with us about Dark Warrior and what readers can expect from it.

Julie Shelton: Thank you so much, Mandy for having me on SimplySxy. Dark Warrior is my third book to be published, but it was actually the very first book I sat down and wrote from start to finish—and that was over forty years ago! Readers can expect a thrilling story about three people who find a love so powerful, so forbidden, it places them in extreme danger and forces them to make devastating choices.

Mandy: What led you to writing Dark Warrior?

Julie: I was in college and buried in research on the Middle Ages because I wanted to graduate “With Honors” and in order to meet the requirements I had to write a paper of at least 100 pages on any subject, although the paper had to be in French, since French was my major. I had always loved the middle ages, so I decided to write my paper on life in a French castle during the 13^th century. While I was researching, taking notes on 3 x 5 index cards, one fact per card, the entire plot of Dark Warrior literally sprang into mind. I couldn’t write it down fast enough—also on 3 x 5 index cards, one sentence per card. The finished book filled two shoe boxes, which I lugged around with me for the next thirty years as I moved from place to place. When I got my first computer in 2003, Dark Warrior was the first thing I transcribed onto my word processor.

Mandy: Where did the inspiration come to begin writing erotic romance novels and what is the story behind getting your first novel Loving Sarah published?

Julie: Well, over the next thirty years, while Dark Warrior languished in its shoe boxes, I started keeping a writer’s notebook, which I carried with me everywhere, jotting down descriptions, thoughts, plot ideas, bits of conversations. You know. Everything. In the meantime, I was a children’s librarian, then a professional storyteller and puppeteer, writing children’s stories, songs, finger plays, etc. I also wrote what used to be referred to as a Gothic novel, as well as a teacher’s resource book on storytelling and making puppets.

I didn’t get the inspiration to write EROTIC romance novels until I discovered Lora Leigh, and from the first word, I. Was. Hooked. Couldn’t get enough. Started reading everything I could get my hands on, and back then, it didn’t seem like there was enough. Then I discovered BDSM. Couldn’t get enough of it! When the idea for Loving Sarah came to mind, I just sat down at the computer and started writing. I worked on it for four years, writing, polishing, editing, re-editing, etc.

Then I lost it! The entire 385-page manuscript. Wiped it clean out of my computer. I was devastated. Moped around for months, despairing of ever being able to rewrite an entire novel. And then one day I had to print something and the first page to come out of the printer was the 370^th page of Loving Sarah! The entire novel, except the last 15 pages was still in the print queue! Needless to say, I decided to finish it and send it off to a publisher ASAP.

I picked Siren because they published many of my newly-discovered favourite authors. You can imagine how thrilled I was when they said they wanted to publish it!

Mandy: What do you love most about writing erotic romance novels?

Julie: I love the deep emotional commitment and almost spiritual connection BDSM brings to a relationship. Then, of course, there’s all that wild, kinky sex, heh heh heh.

Mandy: I am sure your books have been an inspiration to many readers out there. Do you have any advice to aspiring erotic romance novelists?

Julie: Just put your butt in the chair and write. And when you’re not writing, read. Do your research.

Mandy: What are your plans after Dark Warrior and is there a fourth book in the pipeline?

Julie: There IS a fourth book in the pipeline. I am currently working on a third book about Sarah, Jesse and Adam which will explore the growing attraction between Jesse and Adam. It will be shorter than the first two. Then I’m planning books about some of Jesse and Adam’s former SEAL buddies.

Mandy: I am eagerly looking forward to reading Dark Warrior when it is out. Are you able to share an excerpt from Dark Warrior to give our readers a taste of what is to come?

Julie: I would love to share an excerpt from Dark Warrior. Just be sure to have a fan and a pitcher of ice water handy before you read it, lol.

ADULT EXCERPT

They stared at her, their hot eyes raking over her breasts, her belly, and the golden triangle of hair between her thighs. A hot flush stained her skin a delightful shade of pink, evidence of her acute state of arousal. And the fact that she was naked, while they were both still fully dressed gave her a feeling of deep disorientation. She was filled with such hunger, such love, such all-consuming need, she could barely stand.

Shivering, dry-mouthed, she watched Rolf’s expression as he reached out and touched her breasts with reverent fingers, his deeply tanned skin such a contrast to the soft creaminess of hers. His thumb rubbed across her hard little nipple and her face twisted, contorting with a mixture of love and lust so powerful, it presented more as pain than pleasure.

Spellbound, he watched his thumb dragging across her dusky nipple, his heated stare like fire brushing her skin. “By all the gods, yndling! Thou art bewitching, enchanting. Thou art perfection itself. And thy scent…” He leaned forward and inhaled deeply. “Thy scent is ravishing. Like the sweetest flower garden.” He covered her breast with his palm while his other hand stroked down her belly and cupped her mound, sliding his long fingers through the slippery furrow of her slit.

She gasped. It was almost a sob. Her body jerked and would have collapsed if Nicholas’s hands hadn’t come beneath her arms from behind and held her up.

“I can’t wait to taste thee here.” Rolf’s low voice was rough as sand, abrading her nerve endings, leaving her senses in chaos. Two wicked fingers found her weeping entrance and thrust up inside her hot, welcoming sheath.

Her throat closed on a yelp.

“That’s right, kaereste. Suck my fingers into that sweet dripping cunny of thine. Bloody Hel, thou’rt so tight! So hot. Thou art burning my fingers. I cannot wait to fuck thee with my tongue.”

She moaned, shutting her eyes helplessly.

Still fully dressed, both men walked her slowly backwards toward the bed, keeping her naked body sandwiched between them, Rolf’s hand still hard on her mound, fingers stroking in and out of her dripping cunt. “Odin’s beard, Nick, she is so wet! So hot!”

Another moan, a mangled sound, ripped from the depths of her soul. She was never going to survive this. These men were going to give her pleasure beyond anything she had ever known. Anything she had ever dreamed. Anything she had ever dared to hope—or even imagine. They were going to introduce her to a world of darkly erotic pleasure that would ultimately destroy the person she was and change her forever in ways she could not yet begin to understand. A pleasure that would awaken her body to wicked new cravings and desires that would could ultimately consume her.

And, God help her, she wanted it. She wanted it more than she had ever wanted aught in her entire life.

Still holding her under the arms, Nicholas sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her up after him, scooting backwards until he was sitting on the pillows at the head of the bed, with her sitting in the V of his thighs. His erection was a hard ridge against her spine. He leaned back against the ornately carved headboard. Rolf’s hand left her sex and she let out a whimper of disappointment.

Nicholas’s hands moved to her knees, which he lifted and spread wide, draping her legs over his powerful forearms. The scent of her arousal filled the air around them. “Christ, beloved! You smell wonderful! So sweet.”

She sighed, looking down her body at Rolf.

Having removed his baldric, with its two lethal swords, he swiftly removed the rest of his clothing and leaned on his hands at the foot of the bed, wild and barbaric, the gold earring gleaming dully in the firelight. He was the epitome of a Viking raider preparing to ravish his helpless captive.

Kathryn’s lungs seized, her eyes riveted to the primitive symbols marking his bronzed skin. The scything blades on one bicep, the Celtic knot on the other…Blessed Virgin! She’d never seen aught like them before. They made him seem completely pagan. Barbaric. He grinned and her heart stopped beating. She was suspended in time, unable to move, unable to breathe. Unable to think. She was in the grip of an arousal so intense, every part of her body was throbbing with uncontrollable lust.

Licking his lips, a gesture that had her hot juices flowing out onto the sheets, Rolf started to crawl up the mattress toward her, toward that swollen, dripping sweetness between her legs, pink and juicy and throbbing with need. He was grinning, a diabolically wicked grin that stole her breath away.

She tried to swallow but her mouth was as dry as dust. “Nicholas!” It was a squeak. A frantic cry for help. “This is going to kill me!” Rolf was still crawling up the bed, inexorably closing the distance between her old life and the ramifications of this terrifying new journey they were all embarking upon.

Nicholas was chuckling. “Only if ’tis possible to die of pleasure.” He paused. “Let him pleasure you, beloved,” Nicholas whispered in her ear. “Just lie in my arms and enjoy his mouth on you, while I watch.”

“I cannot wait to taste that beautiful little cunt,” Rolf said in a rumbling growl, his glittering eyes still holding her captive. “I have been dreaming of this since the moment I first laid eyes on thee, min skat. It has taken every ounce of discipline I’ve had not to put my hands on thee. And now I get to put my mouth on thee.” He grinned. “Life does not get any better.”

Mandy: Thank you very much for your time Julie, I wish you all the best for Dark Warrior and am sure it will be a great success.

Dark Warrior will be released on January 15th 2014. You can purchase it at www.bookstrand.com/dark-warrior. If you buy it by January 22, you get a 15% discount! For more information on Julie and her books, you can visit her website at http://www.juliesheltonauthor.com

January 13, 2014
What Does “Sexual Success” Mean?

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself what a successful sexual experience is?

It’s an important question because how you answer it says a lot about your attitudes and beliefs about sex. And that has a big impact on the kinds of experiences you’re creating and the sexual relationships you build.

One of the more common definitions of “sexual success,” at least for male/female dynamics, is intercourse that leads to orgasm. And while the inclusion of a woman’s orgasm in that formula is an improvement over definitions that leave it out, this way of thinking about sexual success is still wrapped up in the goal-oriented and limited model that so often results in embarrassment or shame.

Take, for example, what happens if someone is taking a blood pressure medication that causes him to not get erections. Or if someone has endometriosis or another health issue that makes vaginal penetration uncomfortable or painful. Or if someone doesn’t orgasm reliably from intercourse. Or if they’re facing emotional or relationship difficulties that make it hard to relax into pleasure. For a lot of people in these kinds of situations, their sexual difficulties are magnified by their belief that they’re failing at sex.

One response to that is to push harder for a quick fix or a pill or a magic recipe that will allow for the kind of sex that they imagine will solve their problems. I once had a client who came to me because he wasn’t getting erections and he wanted to know if Viagra or a cock ring would help. It turned out that he was under an incredible amount of stress- he’d lost his job, his house was in foreclosure, and he and his wife were talking about divorce. But it was the fact that he wasn’t getting erections that finally prompted him to get help.

He had no idea that stress can cause erection difficulties. It makes sense- when your fight or flight response kicks in, that’s probably not a good time to be having sex. And your body doesn’t care if the adrenaline is coming from being chased by a hungry tiger or from a looming work deadline. In fact, I don’t consider what this man was facing to be “erectile dysfunction” since his body was actually functioning just right, even if it was inconvenient. Unfortunately, his ideas around sexual success (not to mention the Act Like a Man Box) had him convinced he was failing at sex.

It’s not just men who face this, of course. A lot of women in similar situations fall into this trap, too. And while many queer folks have redefined what sex means to them, others are still convinced that a particular sex act or a specific response makes sex successful. Another client I worked with had a very idiosyncratic sexual response and she needed the right combination of sensations to orgasm. For her, oral sex was pleasurable but it wasn’t ever going to be on the list. Her girlfriend, however, was determined to make her orgasm from oral sex. She was convinced that her oral skills were top-notch and that they should be enough. The two of them were on the verge of breaking up because they each felt like they were failing at sex, when what they needed to do was rethink that success meant.

One way that I know that a client is stuck in their definition of sexual success is that they talk about how sex “should be.” As in: I should be able to get an erection when I want to, or I should be able to make her orgasm from oral sex. Any time I hear the word “should,” I look for the underlying shame because it’s almost always there, and sexual shame is often intertwined with the idea of success or failure.

Fortunately, there’s a way out of the trap of sexual success. All you need to do is redefine what it means. My personal definition is that a sexual experience is successful if everyone has a smile on their face at the end of it. It doesn’t matter what sex acts you do, and it doesn’t even matter if orgasms happen. If you both/all have smiles when you’re done, that’s a successful time. Imagine how much easier sex would be if more people could come to it from that perspective.

Of course, there are further nuances to this. There are a lot of reasons why someone might not be smiling after sex. They might not have had their needs or desires attended to. Something might have happened that triggered them. They could have had some physical discomfort or pain. In those situations, I still wouldn’t consider it a failure if the experience became an opportunity for growth. Scientists often say that an experiment is only a failure if you don’t learn anything from it. So even if a specific sexual encounter doesn’t result in smiles, it’s still a success if you take the experience and use it to build towards the next time.

When you shift your thinking around this, it opens up a lot more room to play and have fun in bed (or wherever else you happen to be). If something comes up and one kind of sex isn’t available, there are still lots of other ways to enjoy yourselves, and they all count as a win. That takes the pressure off and makes more room for you to have a great time.

Rethinking what sexual success means to you can take some practice, especially when feelings of embarrassment or shame arise. It’s not always an easy path to follow, but it’s worth the effort. As difficult as it can be, the payoff is happier, healthier relationships and more fun sex. As a sex coach, I help a lot of people find their way there and I’d be happy to talk with you about how I can be of service to you. If you’re feeling stuck, check out my sex coaching site and get in touch!

This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

January 12, 2014
Ask Us – Toilet Breaks

Hi Mandy

After reading about your experience on the toilet break, I wanted to try it out on several occasions but whenever that happens there’s always something that stops me. Mostly it’s the other ladies in the toilet and I start to feel self conscious. Also, how do you deal with dirty public toilets?

Jess

Hi Jess

Well, there are times when I do get the urge to pleasure myself while I am out but upon entering the toilet, the mood disappears at once due to unpleasant smells, wet floors, only available cubicle are squatting ones etc. When this happens, I just have to accept that it isn’t my day. What I have done over the years is to make a mental note on which toilets are conducive for self pleasure. With so many malls, office buildings, and hotels in town, whenever I use one and I come out of it with a good vibe, I make a mental note in case I am ever nearby and there is an urge down under. So the next time you enter a toilet, take a more detailed note of it, you never know when this might come in handy one day!

Personally, I do have a personal criteria for the toilets I go for self-pleasure as this makes me feel at ease and puts me in the mood to begin.

Firstly, they have to be well ventilated. Fans are fine, air conditioned toilets are even better. However, fans that operate according to motion sensors are a big no no. There has been an instance where the fans stopped while I was halfway through and it became rather stuffy which made me sweat even more. Not to mention the growing smell of sex in my cubicle. Hence, it is wise to always look to choose the air conditioned ones.

Secondly, paper towels at the sink. It is a surprise that even some office building toilets or malls do not provide paper towels after one washes their hands at the sink. I prefer using these towels as they do not absorb water and break as readily as toilet paper. This makes it easier to clean up after I am done.

Thirdly, this for me isn’t that important a criteria but a bonus to have. There are some toilets which have strong doors, thick walls, yellow lightings, solid toilet seats which basically give a comfortable mood setting. All these factors help in the ambience and makes it easier to climax faster.

Some turn offs or things to take note about toilets other than the ones I mentioned earlier:

Automatic flushing of urinals every few minutes. This creates an unnecessary distraction and does not help in any way even though it might sound like an explosive orgasm.

Toilets with 3 cubicles or less. Usually one will be a squatting urinal so that leaves 2. Sooner rather than later, there will be a queue from my door and endless chatter which kills my mood anyway.

Keep a small vibrator. I currently keep the Lelo Mia 2 in my handbag which is inconspicuous and comes in rather handy in times of need. I try not to use my fingers as much as I can especially when I have just gotten my nails done or when I am not going home immediately. Not really keen on having my fingers smell of sex and spending my time scrubbing away at the sink once I have finished.

When I am going at it and someone enters the one next to me and takes a dump. No matter how high I am, if the smell of crap wafts over to me or the constant farting and plopping sounds going off, I will start to think of sex. Anal sex gone wrong to be precise. Once again, the mood is lost. This also applies to an over chatty cubicle mate who is on the phone with a friend or even worse, chatting with a friend who is in the cubicle next to hers. As much as my mind can filter out stuff, I don’t like distractions when I am in the zone.

Cubicles with no door hooks or ledge to place my possessions. This makes it real tough especially if I need to put my bag or panty somewhere.

So there you go Jess, a little insight to my thoughts on having personal sexy times in public toilets. If you or any readers are interested in knowing my mental list of places on where to self pleasure, do drop me an email, I will be most glad to share them with you. Keep it to yourself though, or else the cubicles will always be occupied from now. For those who haven’t read my experience, you can read it here.

That’s all for now. Cheers!

Mandy

January 11, 2014
The Effects of Media on Female Sexuality

The impact of the media is profound when it comes to setting ideals of beauty and sexuality for women. Marketing and advertising companies have created a billion dollar industry based on convincing women they are not “ideal” and need improvement. We are not only influenced by the images that we see but the messages we receive that change our way of thinking. The media is one of the most powerful and effective forms of education whether we like it or not. In a day, the average person will be exposed to thousands of ads and spend the majority of time watching commercials selling everything from products that provide pleasure, sexiness, happiness, and youth. If you look at the ads aimed at women you will find messages about body image, age, and sexuality that make a life changing impact on a woman’s values, success, and self-worth.

The Internet is one of the fastest growing sources of information on sexuality and behaviour. The accessibility and anonymity contribute to the growing number of users for everything from educational to economic resources. The word “sex” is the most popular search term used on the Internet today and it continues to increase in availability of sexually explicit content. Our sexuality is strongly shaped by the society around us. We have to learn how to be sexual, it is not innate. What we learn from society is from the external cues we see from sexually-explicit material – both pornographic and sadomasochistic – that shapes our sexuality. There are both negative and positive effects on sexual health for women. It is more common than not to encounter pornography or sexually explicit material when seeking education on sexuality. The negative impact on sexual health from the media can lead to sexual concerns, low sexual self-esteem, and body image disorders. On the positive side, as the Internet grows, it also allows more opportunity for educational sites and resources for promoting healthy sexual behaviour and resources on intimacy, relationships, and safe sex. More often than not a search to find information on contraception or healthy sexuality will be limited to the findings of pornographic ads of beauty. Sexually-explicit material is widely accepted as a form to sell anything. It’s in the ad for running shoes, perfume, and even household cleaning products. A photoshopped torso, a bronze body with curves, a seductive pose or look to sexualize an image can create the message to be desired or sexy is what women want. In a sadomasochistic ad – used for selling jewellery, handbags and designer clothing – we might see bondage, a woman submissing to a man – mouth bound, on her knees, or hair being pulled. The message sent to women is that her private submission is highly desirable to men, and even “normal”.

Everywhere we look in the media we see images of the female body. Magazines and media also portray popular celebrities as underweight, young-looking, perfectly groomed sex symbols. Are these the norms? Women’s magazines constantly put out the message of losing weight to gain happiness. The message is clear that if you lose weight your life will be more satisfying. If you dress sexier, you will get what you want. If you act a certain way, men will desire you. Analysts conclude that these messages are mainly economic. By creating a difficult to achieve ideal, industries targeting women will continue to grow and profit as they push products to its female consumers. By creating a sexual ideal for women, they will continue to buy the products, wear the clothes, or model what is expressed as the norm according to popular culture. The world of advertising is full of beautiful people using products we want to use. What we learn from these messages is stereotypes.

Several media outlets have tried to portray a more natural woman and have received negative feedback from consumers. Therefore advertising companies continue to use underweight models because they sell products. Author Jean Kilbourne believes that the overwhelming presence of thin women in the media results in real women’s bodies becoming more invisible to the masses. Women compare themselves to models, to other women, and compete for male attention. It is a tragedy because it results in women internalizing stereotypes and judging themselves by the industry’s standards rather by those of their own.

Today’s world of media is much more difficult to live in than the past. It is now more acceptable to show skin and flaunt your sexuality. Sex sells and it’s selling all over the world. Women are rightfully concerned as to how the role of mass media influences their lives. The challenge for women today is to learn how to interpret and distinguish the images put out there in the media. According to Elizabeth Thoman and Dale Ann Stieber, authors of Growing up Female in a Media World, there is a set of skills women should use when interpreting messages in the media. These skills include observing women’s images in the media, seeking out alternative depictions and supporting women to make their own media messages, and sharing this knowledge with friends, family and community. What is seen today in the media is not always uniform. More women should expand their media experiences to get a better understanding and perspective of different images and how it relates to our sexuality. It is also smart to be confident in yourself and your own image and spread to word to other women. Don’t rely on a single source of information. The media has a very specific goal and that is to sell products through fantasy and unrealistic ideals, not tell us how we should look or be. Be who you are and own it. We are each our own creators of our sexuality and sexual health.

January 9, 2014
Something I Want Men To Know Before Flirting With Women

There’s been an important shift in several different communities and scenes lately. In the kink world, in atheism circles, among feminist folks and their allies, in pagan communities, I’ve been seeing more people than ever before talking about the effects of sexual coercion, assault, harassment, unwanted attention, and other related topics. Of course, none of this is particularly new and women have been talking about it for years. But what’s different is the nature of the dialogue. More men who want to be allies to women are speaking up, and thank[tps_footer][/tps_footer]s to the potential of the internet and social networking, more people are seeing the patterns than ever before.v There are plenty of folks with lots of great stuff to say, and I don’t feel the need to repeat their words here. Instead, I want to address something that I wish I’d understood much earlier than I did.

Many of the reactions to this growing awareness that I’ve seen from men is some form of resentment that they don’t get to flirt with, cruise, or attempt to pick up women whenever they happen to see someone attractive. Leaving aside the underlying assumption that men should be able to express their sexual desire any time we want, I want to talk about the general cluelessness of most men around the incessant sexual intrusion that most women experience and the effects that has on flirting.

I’m writing this specifically for the men who want to flirt with women, whether the hope is for a one-night stand, a relationship, a conversation, a date, or simply to pass the time. What happens when the intention is to harass, stalk, annoy, or get any other reaction from women is a different thing. But right there, that is the root of the problem. A lot of the time, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to tell the difference. That sucks for the guys who genuinely want to connect with someone. And you know what? As much as it sucks for you and me, it’s many, many times worse for women. We can decide to deal with this situation or not, but women don’t get that choice because they get harassed all the time. So the first thing we need to wrap our brains around is that expecting women to have sympathy for how we feel when this is unpleasant for us is like expecting someone with a broken leg to have sympathy for someone who’s got a sprained finger. If they have the bandwidth and interest, that’s great! But resenting them when they don’t isn’t helpful. We need to stop expecting women to coddle our feelings and take care of them for ourselves.

More important, though, is that getting upset when someone assumes ill intentions on your part doesn’t help. Yes, I know that it hurts. And I understand that it’s easy to take it personally unless you really understand the effects of widespread, ongoing, and relentless sexual intrusion. That’s the thing that we need to get- most women are dealing with the emotional, mental, and physical pain of moving through the world as targets. It’s not fair or reasonable to expect them to assume good intentions every time a guy flirts or makes a move. I would love to live in a world in which that wasn’t the case, and we don’t live there. Deal with it and work to change it, but don’t expect women to act as if it’s safe for them to assume good intentions. Their experience says otherwise. When men lash out online or in person with violent speech and threats of rape or murder, that lets women know that they’re smart to be defensive. If you’re doing that, you’re contributing to the problem. Stop. Now.

There’s a lesson to be learned from marketing. When companies sell a product, part of how they develop a successful promotion is by figuring out how different approaches will be received by potential customers. It doesn’t matter if a campaign would be effective at convincing the marketing department, the admin staff, or the IT folks. The only relevant metrics are how it’s perceived by the target audience and how they respond to it. Similarly, if your flirting doesn’t have the effects you hope for, that’s not the fault of the woman you’re trying to approach. It means that there’s something about your approach that doesn’t work for that person at that time. Take a lesson from marketing and assess how and when you’re flirting, rather than blaming or attacking someone.

That means being aware of how other people perceive you. You might be an awesome guy who would never hurt anyone. But if you’re physically big, or if you take up a lot of space (physically or energetically), if you’re in a setting in which she can’t get away (like an elevator or on a plane), you’ll do better if you’re more gentle in your approach. Even if none of those things are true, try being more gentle and see how that works for you. While it goes against “traditional” gender roles, that’s what makes it work. The usual gender roles are exactly what got us into this mess in the first place.

Given that I’m a cat person, I think of it as making my lap inviting so that the cat will want to come sit with me, rather than dragging it out from under the bed and getting angry when it bites me and runs away. Sure, there are some cats who like it when random people pick them up. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the many other cats who hate it. That’s one of the things that makes being inviting so effective – it works on more cat s than an aggressive approach and the ones who don’t want your attention at all can go their own way without anyone getting hurt. Chasing a cat is not going to convince it that it’s safe with you.

Making yourself inviting means letting go of your attachment to the outcome of your desire. When you can engage with someone without expecting any particular result, you can receive any reply without taking it personally. No matter how a specific woman responds, you won’t jump to conclusions about what that implies about you. There are a lot of reasons someone might not want to accept your invitation, and many of them really have nothing to do with you.

Making yourself inviting means enjoying the conversation, in and of itself. Even if that’s the only interaction you have with someone, that doesn’t mean that it didn’t go anywhere. Let go of the notion that success means anything other than a good connection. If that leads to something else, have fun! But if you only think of the flirting as a means to an end, rather than something fun on its own, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment.

Making yourself inviting means investing your energy and time in a future payoff. If someone’s not available or interested right now, you can leave room for a future connection. Offer your contact info without asking for or expecting hers. Maybe she’ll reply, or maybe you’ll run into her at another party. If she’s someone you already know, you’ll see her again. Take the pressure off her and you’re much more likely to get the response you want.

Making yourself inviting means knowing how to offer an invitation that makes it clear that you value her consent and honor her autonomy. Start off with “if you’re interested…” and follow up with what you’re offering. Demonstrate that her interest is a requirement for you. In a world that actively shames women for their desires and that tells them that their consent is irrelevant, that can be a powerful thing and it’ll make you memorable.

Making yourself inviting means being able to have a conversation with someone and not letting your attraction distract you too much. As an exercise, try walking down the street without assessing women’s attractiveness. There’s nothing wrong with looking at pretty people, but it’s a problem when all you can see about someone is whether you’d have sex with them or not. A lot of guys get so used to scanning a crowd for a pretty face or a hot body that they lose the ability to see past that. It’s good to practice not doing that and it’ll make it much easier to let go of your attachment to the outcome of your desire. Just to be clear – I’m not saying it’s a problem to look. It’s a problem when you can’t maintain eye contact without checking out someone’s cleavage or when all you care about is whether you think someone is hot. If you’re not interested in someone as a person, don’t be surprised if she’s not responsive to your advances.

Making yourself inviting means learning how to manage your sexual energy instead of letting it take over. It means accepting that it can feel intrusive, even when that’s not what you meant. It means being able to apologize for hurting someone, even when it wasn’t your intention. It means understanding that someone’s lack of interest or unavailability isn’t necessarily a rejection of you. Making yourself inviting means learning emotional and energetic self-regulation, which is part of emotional intelligence.

Will this sort of flirting work all the time? Of course not. For a lot of different reasons, there are plenty of women who will misunderstand what you’re doing and think that your less aggressive approach signals a lack of interest or that you’re not macho enough for them. But in my experience, the tradeoff is worth it and you’ll get far fewer defensive, angry reactions. And you really are more likely to get what you want when it’s based on a foundation of respect.

Even more important that that, though, is that it starts to shift the ways in which gender roles and sexual communication work. It’s time to stop feeding the cycle of war between genders. And yes, I have lots to say to women about what they can do about that, too. But I’m not willing to expect women to make the first move on this one. Besides, it’s much more effective to model what you want other people to do than to demand they take the first step.

Ultimately, I want you (yes, you!) to be able to create the sexual and loving relationships you want. Adapting your flirting and cruising methods to take into account the history of sexual intrusion and assault that most women have experienced and the deeply ingrained and dysfunctional gender roles modern society holds will make them much more effective.

This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

December 27, 2013