SimplySxy

Category: Lifestyle

  • 3 Secrets to Understanding Women

    3 Secrets to Understanding Women

    Women are some of the most complicated creatures on the planet. For a man, women’s level of complexity can be compared to the magical and intricate world of quantum physics: almost nothing follows contemporary logic. Unpredictable as they may be, women are some of the finest creatures, if not the finest creature God has ever made in the entire universe. They are incredibly smart, beautiful, sensitive, and creative, and as much as some men may curse women at times, men can’t live without women. So as part of the male population and admittedly once a clueless being in interacting with the other half of the population, allow me to help lift the veil in the convoluted world of women.

    1.  The Thrill of the Hunt

    Women love to hunt. Society along with all the other conformists would claim that a man should always go after a woman. At a certain stage, this idea is correct, but pop culture thinking might lead someone in the wrong direction. Usually, a man would take the woman of interest out on a fancy date, complete with flowers, gifts, and/or chocolates. Stop right there; this line of thinking will get a man in trouble. What men don’t usually know is that women love to hunt. The thrill of the chase keeps them hooked and intrigued. There’s a reason why women are cat people. Look at a lion pride. The strong, dominant male lion stays under the comfort of the shade while the female are out to hunt. The king of the jungle has never offered food as a gift to any lioness of the pride to get her attention. The same rules apply to men and women.

    Sure, a man can take a woman out on a nice date but do not think for once that the date alone will do the trick. What will do the trick is to take the date as an opportunity to stimulate the ravishing lioness inside. Do not show too much interest. Qualify her and let her know that she can be cut off if she doesn’t meet a certain criteria. Take a step back, and never give the ball to her court. Understand that she’s willing to work just like a lioness is willing to stalk and sprint under the heat of the sun for the sustenance of the dominant lion. This is counter-intuitive and may be hard to comprehend at first but with practice, one would certainly understand that women love to hunt.

    2.  Women are Social Creatures

    Women love to talk. People would have you believe that women are only attracted to good-looking and/or wealthy men. Some may even suggest that the aggressive and dominant type will always catch a woman’s eye. Although these statements are true to some extent, a woman will always have a thing for a guy who can handle a good conversation.

    Women love to talk. They are interested in all the smallest details of a subject that don’t matter to men. A guy who can stimulate the mind of a woman will always have a special place in her heart because the art of conversation seems to be lost to aggressive, good looking, or wealthy men. As much as men are attracted to and are stimulated by visual cues like a woman’s curvy shape or her pretty face, women love it when their minds are touched, stirred, and challenged.

    Currently, the problem is that men usually do not even attempt to hone the art of conversing with the opposite sex. A lot of men talk too much while some talk too little. If a man has no idea how to spark up an opener and maintain a woman’s interest, a surefire way to keep a woman intrigued is to ask questions. In any situation, one can always hold a woman’s attention by asking her questions that are relevant to her experience and interest. Don’t ask mundane and mind-numbing questions like what she does for a living or which school she graduated from. Ask her about her passions, her dreams, her accomplishments, her childhood, her friends, or her relationship with her parents, especially her dad. Chances are, only a few people have cared enough to ask these questions that would reveal a lot about who she is. If asked correctly, a woman would almost always open up to take about these things.

    Remember, women love to talk, and they love it if a man would shut up and listen to her speak about her deepest feelings and ideals. After she responds with a short narrative about her passion, ask her what she’s doing to be aligned with her passion. If she’s far from it, challenge her to go back on track. She would definitely love the challenge and will not forget the person who dared her to pursue her dreams. Ask questions, and let her do what she loves: talking.

    3.  Drama is a Necessity

    The last thing that some men need to understand is that women enjoy drama. For them, drama is a part of living, a way of life just as men look at sports or competition an integral aspect of their existence. Although it sometimes drives relationships to the point of no return, drama is a very powerful force that brings women together. A lot of women build friendships and relationships based on drama as much as men would have a set of friends to play a particular sport with.

    Unfortunately, some men don’t understand a woman’s need for drama, which seems to be the primary reason why men think women are complicated and difficult to be with. But just as boys settle their differences and express their anger in a fistfight, the same is true for women. After the fight, young boys would usually become friends again and all those emotions that started the fight are long forgotten. In comparison, after a woman gets her emotions off of her system, she’ll go back to that sweet, loving and beautiful human being that she is.

    It is important that a man understands not to take a woman’s drama or call for attention seriously. The best thing a man can do in this situation is to let her talk and listen. Allow her to express herself and let her enjoy the process of releasing her emotions. She’ll appreciate the thought which could lead to a favorable outcome later.

    Summary

    Complicated and unpredictable as they may seem at first, being with women may not be so challenging after learning these three things. Women love to hunt, so let them do the hunting. They also love to talk so ask questions, and let them do the talking. Finally, drama is part of their life so give them the space they need to express their emotions. A woman’s universe can be convoluted from a man’s point of view, but like the stars in the night sky, these tips can be used as guides to have a better perspective of a woman’s world.

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  • How might Truvada change gay men’s sex practices?

    How might Truvada change gay men’s sex practices?

    Ever since the FDA approved the preventative use of Truvada in 2012, HIV experts started worrying about the possible resurgence of an unpleasant trend among gay men in the United States: the abandonment of condom use and safe sex awareness.  For many gay men in the United States, Truvada is a panacea that gives them the green light to enjoy the long-lost intimacy and pleasure derived from unprotected sex. However, for HIV advocates and researchers, the emergence of Truvada is directly challenging the safe sex practice that they have established through decades of campaigning. The clash between Truvada and condom use is inevitable, but what they are really concern about, is the perpetual erosion of safe sex awareness among gay men.

    While Truvada claims a 96 to 99 percent’s HIV prevention rate for healthy individuals who take the antiretroviral drug regularly, many gay men often misuse it as a short-term prevention before embarking a sexual adventure. The growing prevalence of Truvada has divided society into two rivaling camps: pro-PrEP and anti-PrEP. Those supporting it emphasize its function as an extra layer of safety net that can either strengthen the effectiveness of condom use or simply have better effect than the “traditional” safe sex practice. As for those opposing it, the drug not only has harmful side effects even on healthy individuals, but is also often abused by many who thought they have become immune to the HIV virus after taking Truvada for only a few times. This pretty much explains why Truvada remains controversial even among health professionals.

    I have been confronted by questions asking me whether Truvada will change the landscape of sex practices among gay men and even until today, I still can’t come up with a convincing answer. Personally, I think the drug comes into the picture at a time when we are witnessing a shift in the public’s attitude and view toward HIV and AIDS. We are becoming more open-minded and less judgmental toward people living with the virus, thanks to advocates and experts who are determined to brush aside the phobia surrounding it previously. I do believe that Truvada, if used properly, can strengthen the ever-improving effort to combat HIV. But before that really happens, we need to first work on blending it into the existing “healthy” sex practices. Its emergence is never meant to destroy the well-established norm of condom use and safe sex awareness. However, many of our peers overlook Truvada’s preventative ability and abuse the “convenience” that is promised by the drug. What they don’t know is their negligence to the drugs correct usage does nothing to contain the virus. Instead, they might help to create a new type of “superbug” that can be resistant to Truvada.

    For now, all of us simply need to remember that Truvada is effective only for healthy individuals who take it regularly and even when you are a regular prescriber, it never means that unprotected sex with numerous strangers is acceptable. Condom use and safe sex awareness will remain the cornerstone of our combat against HIV. In addition, since Truvada remains pricey for the general public, the use of condom should continue to be the more affordable option for all of us. Ultimately, Truvada’s emergence should be the add-on benefit for our sex practices, not a threat of any kind.

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  • A Sex Positive Asexual

    A Sex Positive Asexual

    Before I started watching the BBC cult hit Torchwood, well-meaning friends and acquaintances told me I wouldn’t like it because there’s a lot of flirting, innuendo and sexual activity. You see, I am asexual, so my friends assumed that meant I was uncomfortable with the idea of characters who were comfortable with themselves as sexual beings.

    My friends were wrong on both counts. Torchwood not only became one of my favorite shows, but was also instrumental in helping me figure out my gender identity. I was never uncomfortable or upset with the sex in the show. If anything, I was a little jealous because even though I believe sexuality is a beautiful part of humanity, I don’t experience sexual attraction the same way most people do.

    From a young age, I felt something was different about me. In first grade, the other children were discussing who they had crushes on. I didn’t have a crush on anyone and didn’t know what a crush felt like. So I looked around the room at all the boys (this was before I realized anything about who I was and assumed I was supposed to be a girl and supposed to have crushes on boys), chose one I had things in common with and decided I had a crush on him. While the girls around me were giggling about how cute their crushes were, I was whispering the boy’s name and reminding myself that I was supposed to have a crush on him. I felt nothing different for him than for anyone else in my class.

    As I got older and people began dating, my feelings didn’t change all that much. The only difference between me as an adult and me as a six-year-old was that sometimes I would think a guy was cute or a girl was gorgeous, but those feelings felt like they were floating in a vacuum. I noticed other people’s attractiveness the same way I noticed what color shirt they were wearing; it didn’t inspire any particular feeling in me.

    What did inspire feelings in me were people’s personalities. Sometimes I would meet someone and I would feel like I HAD to get to know them better. I thought I was just pathologically shy because every time I felt this way, it was hard for me to carry on a conversation with the person. I’d be afraid they wouldn’t like me or not want to get to know me and more often than not, I wouldn’t talk to them at all and never had the opportunity to find out if we could be friends. Today, I know that that’s what my crushes feel like: a deep desire to be best friends with someone, to share everything about me, to learn everything about him or her, to spend time together.

    That isn’t a judgment about sex. It isn’t a belief that sex is somehow dirty or wrong. It isn’t a belief that there’s something wrong with people who have high sex drives or talk about sex or engage in sex regularly. It’s just the way it is for me.

    I don’t know why people think that being asexual means thinking sex is bad. After all, people don’t think that gay people are saying that sex with members of the opposite sex is bad simply because they don’t have any desire to engage in it. Similarly, I generally don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone.

    I think asexuality has a strong place in the sex positivity movement. Sex positivity is about celebrating sexual diversity, supporting each other’s sexuality, accepting others’ rights to their own sexual desires even if they aren’t the same as ours. So surely there’s a place for people who don’t experience sexual attraction at all.

    I used to feel like something was missing because I will never look at another human being and know what it feels like to be sexually attracted to her. But now I’m proud of my own, unique sexual make up, and I’m glad to be me while being super-interested in learning about other people’s sexuality and supporting their expression of it.

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  • DO NOT DISTURB: Hypnosis Session in Progress

    DO NOT DISTURB: Hypnosis Session in Progress

    There appears a mystification regarding what exactly happens in a clinical session when a patient or client meets a psychotherapist or counsellor for counselling psychotherapy for the first time. It is evident to me that patients appear to perceive such sessions as daunting due to the ‘unknown factor’. Of course, this is amplified further when a patient meets a hypnotherapist as hypnosis has mystical associations with science, spiritualism and even the occult. Such perceptions can be incorrectly nourished and completely distorted from the exact psychological therapy process due to social fears, speculation, and lack of knowledge.

    I hear you pose the question, how can counselling psychotherapists and hypnotherapists convey to society the accurate perceptions of what takes place within the 50 or 60 minute therapy hour? It is very difficult for therapists alike as both media and society love to feed, mystify, and distort the true crux of psychological (talking) therapy. This self-perpetuates an ever-increasing lack of education that is deep rooted in the social and clinical psyche of perspective clients and patients. Therefore, when I am approached via email, telephone or in person, I attempt to inform them with ease by stripping away their incorrect perceptions and reframe them with accurate and realistic psychology (psycho-education) in relation to their condition(s). Only then, can society begin to learn truth; when one draws on individual experience and build a reputation via word of mouth.

    Within the session, after I have delivered the ‘meet, greet, and seat’, I present to my patient a verbal resume of my qualifications, theories, therapeutic experience, and knowledge of my governing bodies. It is fundamental that ethics are upheld, which encompass: confidentiality, therapeutic boundaries, and taking down a case history. This records physical, psychological, and emotional health, and includes medical practitioners contact details. Additionally, the patient will be encouraged to disclose a symptoms history, i.e. historical factors that relate influence and reduce symptoms and the behaviours the patient inadvertently, or purposely acts out in connection to their condition(s). I even take notes regarding the patient’s leisure activities and dreams as this can present the therapist with crucial patient knowledge as can the emotional, physical and psychological aspects of the patient’s ‘self’. Schultz, et al., commented in the (2005, p. 302) of The Journal of Sexual Medicine that a marriage of the mind and body in current classification is epistemology necessary. I would take it one step further and include the spirit.

    When commencing actual psychological therapy, I have noticed it can vary depending on the therapist’s training and ethics. Therefore, I can only disclose and comment on my clinical approach. I am an eclectic psychotherapist whereby I utilise a plethora of techniques which I had obtained either from my psychotherapy training or my clinical hypnosis training. Fortunately, some of these techniques are interchangeable between conscious (out of trance) therapy and unconscious (in trance) therapy. The fine line between conscious and subconscious is sometimes indistinct as there are sub-conscious parts of the mind that entertain waking-hypnosis, meditation, focusing techniques and prayer, which present themselves in a therapeutic toolbox for a plateau of measureless amounts of modus operandi (abilities, methods, and systematic procedures).

    Therefore, depending on the patient’s notes information design, the therapist can explore patterns within the knowledge supplied, and reflect upon them before considering the contraindications of the condition and treatment(s). I personally process much of my patient’s therapeutic treatment plan when I am asleep at night. I am certain; other therapists’ have their own instinctual processing method, which might vary from mine. I tend to place a pencil and piece of paper on my bedside table and if I wake up with some level of awareness regarding a patient and their case, I record it there and then, as by morning time, it will have been wiped from my working memory. Sessions with patients can vary from patient to patient, depending on their complexity and condition. I tend to treat sex and relationship and trauma patients on a more long-term basis, whereas patients who seek treatment on quitting smoking etc. are considered to be short time and will require at most  6 sessions.

    I think I have given examples of information on what happens within therapy, which will definitely help to clear any doubts that readers might have on this matter. Readers can always follow me on my websites and blogs if they require more succinct answers to their queries.

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  • Viet Pride 2014, Starting 18th July!

    Viet Pride 2014, Starting 18th July!

    Starting from the end of 2013 until now, we have witnessed positive movements in the gay, bisexual, and transgender community in Vietnam (hereinafter referred to as the ‘LGBT’ community). One typical example is the ‘I DO’ campaign that exploded on the Internet, which called on people to support marriage equality for same-sex couples. After which, the campaign gained enormous response from people of all social backgrounds. At the same time, there were new ideas for the Amended Constitution of Vietnam, in regards to the citizens’ rights to marriage, according to which, “men and women have the right to marry”. It has opened new doors for marriage equality.

    In June 2014, the Marriage and Family Law of 2000 (amended) was passed. Unlike what the LGBT community had hoped for, all that has changed was the replacement of the word “prohibited” with “not recognize”, in regards to same-sex marriage. Although for many people, this mostly means that the Law in Vietnam is not making any progress. However, it is what actually motivates the LGBT community and those who support non-discrimination in marriage, to have even more purpose in advocating for change, and removing prejudices in society.

    Therefore, the theme for VietPride 2014—the pride event of the LGBT community in Vietnam this year, was decided to be “Blossom Your Life!”. As a message, which emphasizes on a positive outlook for the future, it urges for everyone in the community to be strong and live true to themselves. It also calls on friends and allies to take the initiative to stand up, and protect what is right and necessary in society.

    VietPride 2014 will be held in 17 provinces and cities of Vietnam, such as Hanoi, Ho Chi Minh City, Nha Trang, Da Nang, Can Tho, Hai Phong, Hue, Dong Nai, Thanh Hoa, Dalat … At each location, the LGBT community and supporters are all going to have quite attractive activities, such as seminars, exhibitions, film screenings, sharing and exchanges, cycling, parade, flashmob dance, and also entertainment programs which are contributed by the community themselves. In the overall spirit of the worldwide Pride event (1), VietPride brings with it, not only the pride of the LGBT community members, but also an opportunity to exchange between parents, friends, as well as those who simply want to give support for justice, for the diversity of life, for love and marriage equality.

    In Ho Chi Minh City, the VietPride 2014 event will take place over 4 days, from July 18th to July 21st, 2014. There will be alternating activities, such as seminars, 45-minute workshop sessions, community celebration night, film screenings, exhibitions, and especially the outdoor event with pink dress code titled “Blossom Your Life!”, which promises to bring an atmosphere filled with spreading love.

    In the aspiration for a just and civilized society, we hope that your contributing efforts, as reporters and editors, will be a powerful catalyst in providing all citizens with more information on diversity, in order to remove prejudices, and to build an increasingly brighter future.

    Best regards,

    The Organizer of VietPride 2014

    Web page for information updates: click here
    Images of Viet Pride 2013 in HCMC: click here 
    Clip of Viet Pride 2013 in HCMC: click here

    For information on VietPride 2014, please contact:
    Mr. Huynh Minh Thao | Organizer Representative
    Email: thao.huynh@ics.org.vn

    (1)The origin of the LGBT Pride Month: Each year, the month of June has become the Pride month of the LGBT community all over the world since 1969, to commemorate the Stonewall event in Manhattan – the tipping point for a series of movements, fighting for equality rights of gay, bisexual and transgender people in America. At present, Pride month is different for different places, but usually varies between the three months of June, July and August of each year.

    Images courtesy of VietPride
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  • The HIV Stigma

    The HIV Stigma

    The HIV Stigma: How do millennial gay men deal with HIV and the persistent social stigma

    It has been more than three decades since HIV was first discovered and became a life-threatening epidemic of our generation. The fear and terror that was shared by many gay men in the 80s still have the warning effect on them even until today. They are the generation that either witness or was directly influenced by HIV’s horrific effect on the gay community, with hundreds of thousands of their peers died young after contracting the deadly virus. Condom and safe sex become the norm for them to avoid becoming HIV positive. Their fear for the virus never diminished even as new medications and advanced biomedical skills are introduced and proved effective in the following years.

    With the continuous biomedical breakthroughs in the last few years, HIV has now been classified by the Center for Disease Control as a chronic illness. New medications have proved effective to reduce the viral load of HIV positive individuals to the detectable level. Lifespan of HIV positive individuals can be almost the same as they did before contracting the virus. “A person who is 20-years-old and diagnosed today can expect to live into their 70s, roughly the same lifespan they would expect prior to being diagnosed,” said Dr. Gary Blick, Founder of World Health Clinicians, in an interview with the Huffington Post.

    The improved life expectancy has helped to eliminate the terror and fear that all gay men felt three decades ago. For the millennials, what worries them isn’t the threat from HIV transmission, but the HIV-related stigma that continues to force them to live a life of secrecy. I have personally experienced the fear and worry while contemplating about whether getting tested for HIV is the right thing. I remember my first time waiting to get tested at a local health center in Philadelphia. The thoughts that went through my mind were concerns about being labeled if I turned out to be HIV positive, but not where I should look for help. I had heard too many incidents where HIV positive individuals were discriminated at different occasions. The idea of losing your job, being rejected by your family and friends and above all, being alone for the rest of your life just freaked me out. I almost drew back and left the health center without knowing my HIV status. The amount of pressure and fear was just overwhelmingly high that not knowing my HIV status suddenly seemed to be the best option.

    Fortunately, the nurse called me in the moment I decided to leave, so I never had the chance to retract my original plan. However, the pressure and fear kept coming back during my later HIV testing appointments. I still struggled to get rid of the pressure stemming from HIV-related stigma. The stigma has created a mindset among millennials that HIV is no longer their problem because advanced biomedical techniques have lower the chances of HIV transmission substantially. According to Peter Staley’s interview with Slate, he believes that only those who have the habit of sleeping around run the risk of becoming HIV positive. But the truth is that most millennial gays are avoiding thinking about HIV mentally. Rather than considering new medication like Truvada as their prevention mechanism, they simply choose not to be reminded of HIV at all. There remains the unwillingness to think deeply about HIV and the generational denial that HIV is their problem. This explains why HIV-related stigma remains persistent and how it affects millennials’ view about HIV related issues.

    So even when our fight against HIV seems to move in the right direction, the decades-old stigma stops us from considering the prevention techniques by imposing fear in us. The stigma gets worse as more gay men lose the courage to discuss the issue in public. It forces any public discussion to go underground and often falsely denies the scientifically proved effect of new medication. Before gay men decide to reengage with HIV related issues, they have to tackle the issue of stigma, which remains strong in affecting the millennials’ attitude toward HIV.

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  • Inviting Failure into Your Relationship

    Inviting Failure into Your Relationship

    “Failure is an event, never a person; an attitude, not an outcome.” Zig Ziglar

    If you’re anything like me, you hate failing. Failing means you’ve made a mistake and that means feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or frustration. Failure also can mean you’ve let yourself down, or worse, someone you care about. You’ve probably heard the saying, “Failure is not an option.” But what if I told you that one of the most valuable things you can do in a healthy relationship* is to invite failure?

    Failure is an option. Where does failure come from?

    Failure can be the result of having taken a risk. You can fail when you try something new or when you reach for something beyond our grasp. You can fail when you’re living a bold life, when you embrace change. And, sometimes you fail when you hide from your truth or silence your voice or forget who you are.

    Within the context of relationships, I’m not talking about failure that comes from living life passively, or from cruelty or neglect. I’m talking about loving failure. Loving failure means you’re showing up and you’re doing your best, even when you know sometimes your best isn’t going to cut it. It’s within the embrace of loving failure where you and your partner can achieve greatness. Because failure is gritty and ugly and real. When you fail, you gain new insight or a new perspective that you never would have had otherwise, but that growth comes with a price.

    The cost is vulnerability and a willingness to be seen. It means taking responsibility when all you want to do is run and hide. But, when you create space within a relationship that allows for failure, you are giving yourself and the people you love permission to experiment and grow.

    So, the question is: Do you want a relationship that offers enough safety and support to the both of you that you’re willing to take risks and to dig deep, regardless of the outcome? If so, then you have to be brave enough to invite failure into your relationship.

    Hello, there Failure. Come on in. Make yourself at home.

    Having the courage to fail

    Too often, failure is the end of a dialog rather than the beginning of one.

    What would it look like if you made yourself vulnerable and said, “I’m going to try something. I may not do it well, but I’m going to try it anyway.” How would you feel if your partner recognized you in that moment and thanked you for being brave? What would it feel like if you said something scary, if you took a risk, and your partner responded with gratitude? Would that make you more likely to take another risk down the road? To be brave more often?

    Failing Toward Happiness Rule #1: When someone is brave and vulnerable, acknowledge and thank them, even if you don’t like the message itself.

    Sample script: “Thank you for being brave and admitting you were wrong. My feelings are hurt, and I need time to dig into that. I know that wasn’t easy to say, and I’m grateful you felt you could share that with me. Let’s talk about this some more.”

    Acknowledging when someone takes a risk or makes a mistake does not mean sweeping your feelings under the rug. Instead, allow space for both of your experiences to co-exist. This single act has the potential to transform your relationship in a radical way. When you make it a habit to recognize vulnerability and to show gratitude for risk-taking, you create a framework within which you can both try new things and ask for change without feeling like you’ll be rejected or judged.

    Failing Toward Happiness Rule #2: When you fall on your face, own it, learn from it, and move on. And, remember, it’s OK to ask for help.

    You are going to fuck up. In fact, I’m willing to bet at some point, you’re going to fuck up rather spectacularly and probably more than once. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t hide from the truth, even if you feel like you’re drowning in shame, fear, or pain. Don’t let one mistake overshadow everything else. Give yourself space to feel all of your scary feelings and then stand up, admit where you went wrong, be honest, ask for what you need, and move on.

    Sample script: “I messed up. I’m going to fumble this, so please be patient as I talk this out. I’ve been unhappy with our sex life for the past few months and I know it’s unfair, but I’ve been faking my orgasms because I was worried about hurting your feelings. I’m sorry. I’ve realized I need more foreplay to get off. I really love the way you touch me, so can we try a few new things that would be hot for both of us?”

    The worst thing you can do when you screw up is to play the finger-pointing game. Blame and guilt do not create an environment that encourages vulnerability and support. As tempting as it might be to shift the bad feelings off  you and on to someone else, stop, breathe, and take responsibility for yourself and your feelings. You’re going to make mistakes. When you do, you can either hide from the truth where it will fester and make you miserable. Or, you can do something scary and allow both of you the change to learn and grow towards something better together.

    Failing Toward Happiness Rule #3: Talk about failure before it happens and come up with a game plan for how the two of you will deal with tough situations.

    You aren’t planning for a zombie apocalypse or nuclear war. You don’t need to create a fallout shelter for your relationship and plan for every possible situation that might go wrong. But, it is a good idea to talk about how you and your partner want to handle conflicts long before anything comes up. You can also start a new practice in an existing relationship by negotiating new rules for how you handle issues and mistakes.

    Why would you want to do this? Isn’t it easier to work as a team when you have a basic outline during moments when tension (and emotions) are running high? Relationships often play out like tug-of-war, where you face off against your partner. Someone will win and someone will lose. Someone is right and someone is wrong.

    In reality, both of you lose within this framework. It’s as simple as that. When one of you fails and is suffering, the other, by definition, is rejoicing. Because there has to be a winner.

    That’s pretty fucked up, right?

    What if you looked at the game differently? What if instead of being opponents, you decided to approach problems as a team? What would it look like if when someone screwed up, you came together to find a way to lift each other up and over the obstacle?

    Because the thing is, you are going to fail. Your partner is going to fail. Somehow, someway, there is going to be failure. Either you’ll fail to clearly articulate your needs or you’ll fail to show up when your partner needed you or you’ll fail to listen at a moment when he really needed support.

    You can turn failure into something bigger and more important than the failure itself. If you two come together in those moments when tension runs high, you’ll have created something extraordinary. Instead of facing off against each other, you can join forces and say, “We got this.” Release blame. Don’t punish each other. Avoid creating an environment that’s hostile to slip ups or mistakes. Instead, have the courage to fail openly. That’s where the vulnerability is. That’s where you find truth and wisdom and growth. That’s how you create something stronger than the individuals in the relationship.

    Go forth and fail beautifully. I give you permission to mess up. I give you permission to have a bad day and to snap at your lover and to forget an important date and to ignore the rules sometimes. The question is, will you give yourself and your lover that same permission? Will you create a space where when things get tough, you work together to acknowledge each other’s needs and feelings so that you can find a way around or through the problem?

    The test of a strong relationship isn’t how well you deal with things when life is easy. The true test is when you have to face the messy reality of two imperfect human beings coming together and trying to create a life in spite of all the obstacles and the stress and the barriers. Failure can be a tremendous gift if you’re willing to shift your perspective just a little.

    Create a safe space for making mistakes.
    When things get gritty, work together instead of against each other.
    Own your feelings.  Take chances.  Get vulnerable.
    Aim for forgiveness instead of retaliation.
    And reap the rewards when you come out the other side stronger and more connected than ever.

    * Though the language in this article implies a single, monogamous relationship, this same model works for non-monogamy and polyamory.

    Dawn Serra, co-host of Sex Gets Real

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • One Night

    One Night

    “Why are you running away?”

    He put his palm gently on the hotel door, blocking my attempt to leave. We took a long glance at each other and then we both looked away. Hesitating at the edge of the room, I babbled, “Because I don’t know how to do this.”

    He would be flying back to Taiwan in 4 hours.

    “Would you like to come by Taiwan?” he asked.

    “Maybe,” I replied uncertainly, fearful that my expectancy towards this man was ignited.

    He turned on his heels and walked towards the windows.

    The uneasy silence was deafening as I tried to decipher his mind unsuccessfully.

    Should I just exit hurriedly and persuade myself that there was nothing more to this? And then constantly grappled over the what-ifs? Looking back to that heavy wooden door framing the entrance of the room, I wanted to flee these conflicting emotions. I didn’t want to risk my heart on the gambling table. My feet, however, decided that they were stuck to the white carpeted floor.

    We corresponded and met for the first time that night.

    Initially, I was put off by his standoffish body language; there was nothing in that person in front of me that resembled the persona whom I emailed with. But to leave, when he already spotted me, was rude, I felt. Hence, I went along with him for dinner.

    Over the meal, we argued over the syntactical complexity of Singlish (or the lack of, in his case). Discussing the philosophies of Zhuangzi and Heidegger, however, brought us back onto one same page. His insightful rendition of Zhuangzi’s story about Cook Ding, framed through the Heideggerian ready-to-hand concept, sliced up the dissonance we had.

    We talked about the animes we like and those that we would recommend to each other. The dinner turned to drinks and before we knew it, we were walking down the Orchard Road and to his hotel.

    “Would you like to hold my hand?” he gleefully asked.

    I took a long look at him and blushingly crossed my right fingers with his left fingers.

    We ended up on his hotel bed, watching anime on his laptop and playing footsie. He crept his hand over to my back and traced circles on it with his forefinger.

    “You haven’t told me how old are you?”

    I refused to divulge and we played the guessing game.

    “Well, if you ain’t gonna tell me, I’m going to sleep.”

    He turned over on his belly and grabbed the pillow with one hand to lay his head.

    The footsie game went on.

    When I finally whispered the answer to his ear, he jumped on the bed and held me against the bed. He pressed his lips over mine and flicked his tongue to part my mouth.

    “You ain’t lying about your age?” he questioned again when our tongues parted.

    “Yesssss,” I hissed and grabbed his neck.

    He began peeling my clothes off and we made love that night.

    It wasn’t the first time I slept with a man I met for the very first time. But it felt different.

    We went from the bed to the wall and back to the edge of the bed. We talked about our dreams, our fears and joked about life. We teased each other for a long time before we both came. Lying comfortably against his chest, we enjoyed the naked silence.

    But when morning came and I had to leave for work, we were awkwardly stuck at the door.

    “Come here,” he said and came over to hug me. We held each other and kissed for the last time.

    “I will message you when I get back.”

    I felt unsure about this sudden optimism that had blossomed within. The instinctive need to suppress this joyous feeling was overwhelming at the same time. I have to have no expectations of him.

    At work, it was hard not think about the night; I couldn’t stop looking at my phone.

    How could I ever think that it would be any different with him?

    The self-talk wouldn’t cease.

    Later that night, as I lie on my bed, deciding that it was all over, my inbox registered a new email.

    It was Hilly.

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  • Single Ladies: Should You Put a Ring On It ?

    Single Ladies: Should You Put a Ring On It ?

    Having coached so many single women who are above the age of 30, a burning question frequently asked is: How will I know if he is the right guy to marry and if he is ready to marry me? To answer this question, I would ask them to answer the following 3 simple questions:

    1. Does he take you home to meet his family?

    While others may think that this is a trivial matter, it speaks a lot on whether your guy is ready to marry you. Your introduction to his family is a milestone in your relationship as your guy acknowledges you as a part of his family (to be). More importantly, when a man brings home the girl to meet his family, you know he is prepared to love her and settle down with her for the rest of their lives. Your guy’s family will also understand that this is the special girl whom he treasures and is taking their relationship seriously. Furthermore, this is a good opportunity to score points with his family members. You would want to focus your energy on the person who has the most say, as this could potentially help boost and smoothen your progress with him, towards marriage. What’s more, there’s definitely no harm in establishing good connections with the family too! This is also a good time for you to assess if this is the “kind” of family you want to marry yourself into.

    2. Is he comfortable about showing you to his social circle?

    In order to live with someone in the long term, your guy has to be comfortable, if not proud of showing you around. If he is not treating you like how he would treat a “trophy” girl, you are not his girl at all. You should be and feel like his most valued prized possession. Some ways to know that your guy is proud to have you as his girlfriend include the following:

    • He should be excited whenever his friends mention your name.
    • He should be proud to introduce you to his colleagues because it validates his great taste.
    • He would gladly invite you along (as a plus one) for social or friends gatherings so that you can get to know his friends and won’t feel left out in future.

    3. Has he let go of his past baggage?

    Try having a conversation on his past relationships. How does he react? Does he shun your question or get angry when you try to continue the conversation? Does he still struggle with guilt or anger from the past? It is important to note that someone who has fully let go of the past will be cool to talk about it and is able to rationalize what happened. You also see that he is willing to take part, if not full responsibility of what had happened. He acknowledges the mistakes made and strives to do better in his present relationship, with you. In the midst of sharing and opening up himself to you, you understand more about his mindset and perspectives towards relationships. Ultimately, you will be able to realise that he has grown and matured over the years and is ready to lead and guide you in your relationship with him.

    If you have the same question, tick off all these checkboxes now, and you will know if you both are ready to take things to the next level and to welcome a new beginning.

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  • Honey, I am HIV Positive

    Honey, I am HIV Positive

    Today, we talk about the subject of disclosing one’s HIV status. Many have already done so since HIV has been around since 1979 or so, when it was called GRID (gay-related immune disorder).

    How does one disclose to a potential partner that he/she is HIV positive or has an STD? A good way to disclose is either in a public setting that is relaxing or private in a space that is special to you. Just ‘being yourself’ lets the person know you are real and that you are honest. Never talk down about your being HIV positive. Keep your head up and show the love for yourself and others by disclosing.

    Remember, disclosing will be a lifelong process.  Disclosing one’s HIV status before having sex with a partner is the law in some states and countries.

    Practice over a mirror. Just like you, the people you tell will need support as well. Don’t expect that just because you love someone, they will be able to support you after your disclosure. You may need to support them with this new information before they can be there for you. It is a good idea to have on hand a few telephone numbers of places they can go for support.

    Groups of individuals that one may have to disclose to often include the following:

    • Family—can be painful and you don’t have to disclose to them until it feels ‘right’.
    • Friends—easiest.
    • Your children—consider their age before you doing so.
    • Husband or wife— hardest, they will have to be tested for HIV positivity!
    • Doctor—easy but worrisome.
    • Workplace – you do not have to tell. Know your rights!
    • Needle users—easy to do so at times and you must!

    Tips for disclosing
    Many have also found the below list to be effective when disclosing their status:

    • Trust your instincts, disclose when you are ready.
    • Think about what you’re going to say ahead of time.
    • Choose your time and place; don’t be rushed into it.
    • Share with people whom you trust.
    • Use your own words.
    • Tell two friends so that they can support each other and not need to lean solely on you.
    • If someone has lots of questions, ask him/her to do their own research. This will ease the pressure on you to “know it all”.
    • Ask for what you need: a shoulder to cry on, space to think about it, practical help when you need it.

    When should I disclose my HIV status?
    With some people, this happens only before sex or intimacy. For others, it may take place even before dating. However, always do so when sharing needles for you are the one responsible for yourself. In addition, children should be old enough to understand before being told. Although there is generally no particular ‘right time’, you should tell only when you feel ready or when you are legally required to do so. If you haven’t told anyone beforehand (as you should have), inform your sexual partners as soon as possible so they can be tested because there is now a chance of functional cure in cases of early treatment and detection.

    Why should you tell?
    It’s your duty to disclose under some laws and morally, it’s just the right thing to do! Moreover, it is both very therapeutic and liberating to be totally honest by letting others know your status. Take it slowly—you will be living with HIV for a long time, and your first responsibility is to yourself and to finding the support you need.

    Disclosure can be scary, embarrassing, or painful.  However, frank conversation usually leads to better decisions and better sexual relationships. There is great freedom about telling the truth and letting people know who you really are.If we disclose when we should and protect ourselves, we automatically protect others. This also means that we slow down the spread of new HIV cases. Though, this only works through the ones who know that they are HIV positive.

    Have self-respect, love who you are! Get tested! Know your HIV status!

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