Category: Lifestyle

  • Put her in the mood for Sex

    Put her in the mood for Sex

    Have there been instances when the sex was not as as wild because she wasn’t up for it?  Try these few tips the next time round to get her in the mood and have great sex every time.

    1.  Kiss her

    Kissing is a fantastic form of foreplay and can be wildly exciting in itself.  Start by kissing her slow and gently, focusing your lips on kissing her cheeks, moving on to her chin and her neck.  Then, draw her lower lip into your mouth and run the tip of your tongue across her teeth.

    2.  Create anticipation

    Talk sexy by complimenting her during foreplay.  Blindfolding her creates anticipation and whispering in her ear allows her imagination to run wild on what you might do.

    3.  Enhance the mood

    turn the bedroom into a hot sexy haven with candles, fragrance and music.  Find music that lulls the both of you into a deeper zone of letting go, one that helps you synchronize yourselves into a mutual sense of rhythm and pacing.  The right music really can stimulate the senses.  Keep all the essential items you need nearby such as condoms and message oils.

    4.  Touch her in all the right places

    When she starts to feel aroused, nibble her earlobe while breathing gently into her ear.  Caress her breasts and spend time kissing and stroking her inner thighs without coming into contact with her clitoris at all.

    5.  Shower together

    Make out in the shower and be her bathroom slave.  Undress her, soap her entire body and give her a head massage while shampooing her hair.  Use the shower head to wash her pubic hair, and tease her vagina as you go along.

    6.  Using mirrors

    Watching yourselves infront of the mirror can be doubly exciting.  Stand behind her and fondle her breasts while kissing her neck at the same time, she will have full view of what you are doing to her body.  Move your hands slowly down to her vagina and tease her with your fingers, making eye contact with her through the mirror.


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  • Do You Have HIV Stigmatic Parents? Tips to Deal with Them

    Do You Have HIV Stigmatic Parents? Tips to Deal with Them

    As a millennial gay man, I live in an era when HIV no longer seems to be as lethal as it first started plaguing this world. We learn about new ways to prevent the spread of the virus periodically, and we seem to be getting ever closer toward owning the cure that can perhaps eradicate the virus once and for all. However, absurd beliefs in protecting gay men from HIV still exist in many culture and some parts of the world. In some cases, including my own, they are suggestions from concerned parents who desperately want their kids to stay away from the virus. But their intense reaction often creates unnecessary misunderstandings and barriers between them and us.

    In a previous op-ed written for The Advocate, I detailed my coming out process and how that creates tension between me and my parents. From then on, topics about my sexuality became a taboo at our household, at least between me and my parents. We respected each other enough that we didn’t mention a word about it for months until this March. On the eve before I joined the military, my dad invited me to sit down for a serious conversation. While I was wondering what the conversation might be about, I could tell from his serious manner that it had something to do with my sexuality. He proceeded by asking how had I been dealing with my own sexuality “issues,” and then he told me how much they were still bothered by simply trying to talk about it among themselves. He went on to tell me the last thing he and my mom wanted to see was me being in a romantic relationship with a guy because they believed that increases my possibility of contracting HIV. While he kept explaining how hard they knew it was for me, I couldn’t stop wondering how much had they fallen victim to the stigmatic ideology surrounding both homosexuality and HIV from their era.

    To them, any romantic or sexual combination of two men will automatically increase the risk of them becoming HIV positive. Naturally, they believe that for me to remain single and to avoid being romantically engage with other gay men are the best protection against HIV. What they fail to do is trying to gain more direct understanding about the LGBT culture and the latest medical development about HIV. They choose to apply their decades-old understanding of the LGBT community and HIV to the current situation, which eventually becomes the barrier between them and me. As parents, their concerns are often stemmed from the nurturing nature, but that often prevents them from putting themselves in our shoes. Their concerns often limit their perspective to view things, and sometimes push them into an unbreakable deadlock.

    While I know it is important to defend my right to love and be loved, I never give up the hope of changing my parents’ views about HIV and homosexuality. But just like the fight to end HIV stigma, this should be handled slowly and with extra care. Change never comes without a fight, and to bring them from one end of the spectrum to another requires lots of patience and dedication.


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  • Being a Gay Franciscan

    Being a Gay Franciscan

    What do I mean by Gay Franciscan? Well I am a Franciscan Brother, who is and was born gay, or to quote Lady Gaga, ‘baby I was born that way!’ Yet I am not a Priest or Brother of the First order, or unless I have had a sex change become a member of the Second order, the Poor Clare’s or Poor Ladies.

    No I am a Secular Franciscan, a Tertiary, a member of the Third order of St Francis of Assisi who is our seraphic founding father, yet he himself was a deacon. Our patrons Saints, along with Francis and Clare are:

    GLORIOUS PAST

    Since Francis’ time the Order Franciscan Secular (OFS) has many members. Through nearly eight centuries it has continued to prosper, bringing untold blessings to the Church and society. It has been fruitful in much personal holiness, and many Secular Franciscans have been beatified and canonised in recognition of their outstanding holiness.

    They came from all walks of life: St Elizabeth [queen of Hungary] and St Louis [king of France] are patrons of the OFS; nine popes have been Secular Franciscans; household names like Columbus, Thomas More, Copernicus, Bernadette,, Dante, and the less well known like John Bradburne and Margaret of Cortona were all members.

    SECULAR FRANCISCAN ORDER (OFS)

    Saint Francis of Assisi left us “a Dream to dream and a Journey to challenge everyone”. All Franciscans are inspired by him to follow Christ. The Secular Franciscan Order belongs to this family. In their secular state, members permanently commit themselves to live the Gospel as Francis did, following his Rule approved by the Pope. The OFS is open to the laity and diocesan clergy.

    There are more than 850 Secular Franciscans in Great Britain. Gathering in fraternities, they strive to grow in the love of God and in peace with each other. In this way, they aspire to be faithful Disciples of Christ. (Taken from website www.ofsgb.org.uk/)

    Now ok, I hear you thinking what has any of this to do with us or our sexuality? Well the fact that I, Br Anthony James Francis Mantova S.F.O. is and always have been gay, and peace and the rainbow flag. St Francis wrote a beautiful prayer that is now also a much loved hymn entitled ‘(Lord) Make me an instrument/a channel of your peace!’

    Which is a fitting hymn for all of humanity, but St Francis is also the patron Saint of Humanity and humanitarian aid, efforts and conflicts, of nature, animals, life people and plants to name a few, St Clare Communications and Multimedia and Television.

    The rainbow flag or peace flag, as well as being associated with the LGBT community worldwide, it is also there for Greenpeace, NATO and the United Nations and anyone who wants world peace and in the past I have seen PEACE flags with the St Francis logo, so I believe this is why our community has adopted the flag as its own.

    Yet peace belongs to all of us, and so fitting that I am both gay and Franciscan, many in the church not just the Franciscan family are gay, yes priest, brothers, sisters, yet they have chosen to hide away and devote their love to god rather than each other.

    Now this by no great hardship and slowly the church is accepting that we are a part of humanity, the same humanity, Our Lord Jesus was born into. The feast of Saints Anne and Joachim, the parents of Our Blessed mother Mary is held each year on the 26th July, these are in fact his holy grandparents, and should be praised.

    When I was younger, back in Liver for almost 30 years I was in the parish of St Sebastian Fairfield, and attended the Roman Catholic Primary school, attached to it. During my time I met many Franciscans of the various orders, and today the Order of Friars Minor Conventual can be found running St Anthony of Padua’s RC Church in Queens Drive, and nearby at the OFM Cap in Pantasaph, where the famous singing fundraising priest Fr Francis Maple OFM Cap can be found.

    The Cap is short for Capuchin, and they are so called because of there long hoods, that reminds people of the Capuchin monkeys. It was on of these priests/Brothers who invented the frothy hooded coffee, that we enjoy today know simply as cappuccino. So why and how are the Franciscans important to any of us?

    Well if it wasn’t for St Francis we wouldn’t have the order, and without the order, we wouldn’t have some of the gadgets and gizmos we have today. It was St Anthony of Padua with St Bonaventura, who established THE FIRST University in Bologna, Italy in the 1300s.

    So I am proud to be a Franciscan, and yes also gay; neither affects the other negatively, in fact they are helpful to each other, in understanding who we are. While there are many things to do and consider before becoming a true Franciscan, but if you love people, life, nature, animals, devote a little time to Payer and want peace both here and now and in the future, then are you not already living a form of Franciscan life.

    Lord make me a channel of your peace in this world and in the next.

    Amen


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  • Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    We are often taught that being in a long-term, committed relationship requires giving all of yourself to another person— sharing every deep secret, vulnerability, and insecurity with another in order to build trust and most importantly, intimacy. And while this type of emotional closeness cultivates security and lasting love, it also correlates with another staple of long-term romantic relationships … the decline of sexual desire.

    Ask any couple’s therapist or sex therapist what is the most common problem their clients present to them and they will almost always give you some version of “we aren’t having enough sex” or “he/she doesn’t seem to want sex anymore.” Having less sex as time passes in a relationship or the dwindling of that initial passion felt during sex is very common. This is usually attributed to “the novelty effect” wearing off or being stuck in a routine. Of course there are other reasons for a decline in sex—health issues, infidelity, and trauma to name a few—but another more pervasive and encompassing issue is the enmeshment and dependency that occurs when we share everything with our partner. Hobbies, favorite foods, books, and social activities often naturally become a “shared experience” or something that “we” do instead of something that “I” do or “he/she does.” Many times our partner is the first or only person we come to with problems about work or with our families. We start to feel that it is not only natural, but necessary to unload all of our worries and concerns onto our partner because this brings us closer, sharing every thought and emotion we may have.

    Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, speaker and author of the book “Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” theorizes that our natural human need for security and stability in relationships is at direct opposition to our equally important need for adventure, novelty, and discovery. What ends up happening in long-term couples, she says, is the tendency to get “too close” to our partner, making it impossible for that newness and excitement to exist. This makes the passion and desire that fuel satisfying and pleasurable sex difficult to (pardon the pun) come by.

    Perel emphasizes the importance of “the space between self and other” when considering how to reignite or maintain desire in a long-term relationship. In a recent article on “reigniting your love life,” she suggests viewing your partner as if “he or she is only on loan, with an option to renew.” Recognizing your partner as an autonomous, independent person with inner thoughts, past experiences, and fantasies that you are not privy to will result for most people in a new found curiosity about your partner. Being curious perpetuates interest and the realization that regardless of how long you have been together, there are still parts of this other person you have yet to discover. Recognizing your partner as separate from yourself creates distance and therefore room for desire to grow.

    Spending time apart by engaging in different extracurricular activities or taking a trip without the other is one way to create actual physical space (thus the idiom “absence makes the heart grow fonder”), but creating emotional space can be just as important. Balancing or limiting how often you go to your partner to “vent” about work or family issues by talking to friends or mentors instead or engaging in new behaviors to cope with everyday stress like exercise or journaling are helpful. Resisting the urge to pry for details about your partner’s exes, their family drama, or other past experiences and trying to be content with the fact that if something is important, your partner will share it with you is also worthwhile. Sometimes, simply taking a moment and remembering what it was like when you and your partner first met and identifying what drew you to them, emotionally and sexually, can ignite feelings of longing. Think about that first month when so much was unknown and how their smile, the way they smelled, and the thought of seeing them again caused that little flip in your stomach. Remember that feeling and those memories the next time you are with your partner and see what happens …


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  • Caution: May Contain Love

    Caution: May Contain Love

    foundersLooking to send a friend a gift because they got dumped? Molala, a Hong Kong based web store has the answer. In 2013, when they couldn’t find the right gift for a friend whose fiancé ran off her wedding planner (yes it happens and you can read the full story here), Judith Hoffman and Vene Cheng decided to take matters into their own hands and Molala was born.

    Arriving at our doorstep, our little gift basket was definitely not what we had expected, which I guess proves that both Judith and Vene have hit the nail on this one. From chocolates, voodoo dolls to 750ml holding wine glasses, Molala’s products are sarcastic, light-hearted and full of surprises. Perfect to turn that frown into a smile, or the other way around for whoever’s on the other end of the voodoo doll.

    With over 40 basket ideas and quality control process that involves champagne and brownies, Molala’s probably found their niche and is definitely one gift store you’d want to have at the back of your mind. Check it out today at www.molalacompany.com.

    BASKET- Breakup_4 (Better than Sex) $225


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  • Training Bras, Tweens, and Breasts … Oh My!

    Training Bras, Tweens, and Breasts … Oh My!

    I’ve noticed; my baby is growing up!

    Well, this is no surprise really.  I’ve known for a while.  Little things keep happening … she gets pretty crabby, teary, ecstatic around the same time of the month as I do, her skin seems to be changing, I have noticed little blemishes on her face.  You know, the usual.

    But the other day, Marcia was sitting down on the couch wearing a lightweight, shirred top.  I looked over at her and noticed that she was starting to push through the top!  I swear I did a double take.  I felt like I wanted to squeal inside.  Later, I pulled her aside and told her what I noticed.  She had the hugest grin on her face.  So we sat down to discuss breast development and a little more about puberty.

    We have talked about the potential ramifications of wearing a bra.  We talked a bit about the taunting and teasing about bras and breasts that could happen at school.  I told both girls that when I first got a training bra some boys used to snap the strap.  It irritated me but I never said anything to them about how much it upset me.

    I also told them about the time during my freshman year in high school, a popular boy (class president, quarterback for the JV Football team, and dreamboat.  I’ll call him “B”) made a comment to me about my cheerleading sweater.  Back in those days, the letter on the sweater was stiff as a board, HUGE, and despite my seemingly early development, those changes slowed and I was pretty flat chested in high school.  At times, this stupid letter was concave!  Well, B came up to me and asked if I had a book in my sweater.  I was devastated. I didn’t have a response.  I held onto that embarrassment for 20 years!  I told my daughters about running into him at our 20 year class reunion.  I confronted him and said, “B?  Do you remember the time you asked if I had a book in my sweater?”  He said with a bit of sassiness, “No, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I said something like that.” I said to him, “Well, I’m here to tell you … (I held each of my breasts in my hands) they’re real and they’re spectacular”.  The two guys standing there with him did a sort of a back-of-the-hand-to-their-mouths-“oh shiiii” response.  B was humbled.  I was vindicated.  At hearing this story, my daughters were rolling on the floor laughing.  “MOM!  Did you REALLY??”  Yes.  Yes I did.

    Anyway, back to the kids.  We talked some more and I finally asked Marcia if she would be more comfortable with a bra and she got SO excited!  I told her we would go bra shopping after school.  She was literally so excited that she could not sleep that night.  It was like Christmas Eve!

    So today she has 3 new training bras.  And she is over the moon!

    I delight in having these conversations with my daughters.  I feel like they bring us closer together every day.  I want to share my experiences with my girls.  I’m sure they appreciate hearing how I felt, how I reacted, how I wished I would have reacted instead.  These things are situations they may or may not be able to use in their little lives but if it gives them the chance to think through how it was for someone else and gain a shred of wisdom from my experiences, then it’s 100% worth it.

    Do you recall what it was like with your first bra?  How did you feel?


    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
    Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.


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  • How does a young unmarried lady prepare for Pregnancy?

    How does a young unmarried lady prepare for Pregnancy?

    When a young, unmarried lady gets pregnant, people naturally assume that it was unplanned.  My first pregnancy at age 22, however, was never an accident; it was mutually planned by me and my then boyfriend, Matt.  We talked it over one day and we both assured each other that if we were going to have a child then we were ready for it.  We trust that we had maximized our youth and that we were already primed for a new and more matured threshold in life—as parents and having our own family.  It was a mutual decision to stop using contraceptives and allow what will happen to happen.  We both believed that contrary to our youth and naivety, we were prepared for the big life-changing responsibility of becoming parents because we were going to stand by it together.

    With all the possible symptoms present, I anticipated that I was already pregnant.  I took a pregnancy test on September 30, 2011, a couple of days after my delayed menstrual period and the results came out positive.  Those two lines made me smile – a smile that I never had before and one that I will never forget in my entire life.  I was thrilled and happy at the thought of another living individual inside of me who shares the same heartbeat as mine.

    Filled with eagerness, I went to Matt’s basketball practice at the Regional Science High School that afternoon and showed him the PT result.  He looked at it and asked me what it meant, with eyes hopeful that it would verify the question he had inside his head.  I smiled sheepishly and nodded at him.  He then threw that overrated question, “Positive?” and I confirmed it with successive nods.  We smiled at each other, fancying the thought that we were going to become parents soon—I at 22 and Matt at 24 years old.

    As I was about to leave the basketball court, I got caught in a somewhat fantasy world when I heard him said aloud, “I love you” to me in front of a huge crowd.  I was stunned for a while.  I felt butterflies in my stomach.  The moment I knew I was not dreaming was when I saw Matt smiling handsomely at me.  For someone who is not vocal and does not like public attention made, that moment epic and priceless, truly delighted my heart.

    My pregnancy did not quite sink in until later that night.  We conversed about how we were going to start saving for our family and what precautions we needed to do should my pregnancy become delicate.  We had love and adornment in our relationship, and a baby on the way. Matt was very protective about my pregnancy.  I had my fair share of emotional turmoil but amidst it all, he did his best in being patient with me.  We came out stronger after every trial and aside from ourselves, our baby became our strength.

    We went to our first OB Gyne check-up and I was very pleased that he was there with me.  I could not really explain the feeling but it was heartwarming knowing that he wanted to become a hands-on father.  My doctor confirmed that I was 11 weeks pregnant at that time. We heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time and that moment was so surreal that I laughed.  At the same time, I felt like crying too.  I had “life” inside of me; “life” made out of Matt and I.

    I was not scared of becoming a parent.  In fact, I was very excited about it.  I had already enjoyed my life prior to my anticipated motherhood. I had nothing to be ashamed about because I had a decent job, I was earning quite fairly, I lived with the father of my child and we had plans of getting married before I gave birth.  I did not have to prove anything to our audience and I was certain that Matt feels the same way as well.

    My pregnancy marked a new chapter of our lives together and I knew that we were going to make it work.  We were going to make our child proud and make sure that we live up to the kind of person that s/he would like to become someday.


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  • If you are Homophobe, can I call you Gay?

    If you are Homophobe, can I call you Gay?

    Let us imagine a person being born, ages and chooses to and die in, let’s say, Jakarta. For me, this automatically brings up the question of how the system of alternative moral is fabricated because it is in itself, a complicated process as there exists conflicting morals. That’s why an individual who deviates from a rule agreed on by a group is considered an outsider as stated by Howard Becker and when he/she violates the existing norms, he/she is considered a deviant and hence, regarded as a foreigner in the group.

    Being an outsider is a result of normalised norms. Let’s put the norm as a simple definition as a set of regulations established within the community. Hence, in every interaction, we are bound to find some indications of norms in it. But the norm is not “given”. In a world filled with social constructions, the norm then becomes a social construction that is produced from the interactions between human beings which eventually ends up as a moral as these are furthered reinforced. This is prevalent in the instance of LGBTs who are subjected to an established norm that essentially discriminates them as the outsider. For example, the norm of the accepted sexual relation is only between men and women; due to the ability of this union for procreation, while gays, lesbians and transgenders are considered unacceptable and deviant sexual relations because these only exist for the sake of recreation.

    “The sodomite had been a temporary aberration; the homosexual was now a species,” as famously said by the French philosopher, Michael Foucault. This means that the strong regulation about relations of this nature is constructed by the community and helped by the institution and religion. LGBTs in Indonesia are of course, living in a homophobic society.

    Homophobia is generally described as a hostile or feared outlook on one’s sexual orientation due to the other male or female being attracted to one of the same sex and the term attributed to such attitude has been re-coined on several instances: Homosexphobia in 1974, Homosexism in 1976, and Homonegativism in 1980 before the now commonly used Homophobia. In today’s context, homophobia is the fear of the feminine qualities in a man, hence it reinforces some stigmatizations of homosexuals in a heterosexual world. Why the immense negative stigma associated with the term homosexual?

    Historically, under the ancien regime, sodomy was prohibited for religious reasons. It’s called the “silent sin” or “abominable vice”. A sodomy referred to a series of sexual acts considered sins, which included masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, bestiality; in a word, all sexual practices that do not have the goal of procreation. Due to misinterpretation of sodomy being “against nature”, the word “homosexual” thus has a rather negative connotation; in both medical and pathology. Many of the LGBT groups are strongly rejecting the word “homosexual” although the Psychiatric Association of the United States has removed “homosexuality” from its list of mental illnesses in 1973. This was subsequently followed by the World Health Organisation in 1993 and also by the Japanese and Chinese Psychiatric Association in 1995 and 2001.

    If you are a homophobe, do you mind if I change the term to gay?

    The story began with the great gay liberation which took place beginning from the 60’s. The catalyst was a gay confrontation with the police in Christopher Street in Greenwich Village, New York, June 1969. Thereafter, the use of the term “gay” begun. The adoption of this term, served to at least remove the term “homosexuality” as a medical term, and at the same time indicate a more neutral tone and has a connotation of “pride”. But etymologically, what is “gay” exactly?

    “Gay” is a term that describes same-sex attractions felt by both men and women; however some women prefer the term lesbian. The word “gay” first crossed the gender/sex threshold in England during the 16th century, when it was applied to male actors who were cast into female character roles. During the 19th century, Europeans associated the term with heterosexual promiscuity; however it did not cross into sexually diverse communities until much later. As such, “gay” projected an impression of perversity. In the early 20th century, American men and women experiencing same-sex attractions became the first to identify themselves as “gay”, preferring it to the word “homosexual”, a term used primarily by mental health professionals.

    Thus being gay is a matter of being comfortable with oneself; emotionally and physically, as opposed to the term “homosexual” which was considered merely physical. In this case, the term “gay” and “homosexual” are differentiated between sexuality as a practice and as a way of life. Being “gay” is about having a commitment to one’s identity, as in “I’m gay”, “This is who I am” and “This is what I label myself”.

    In the academic world, at present, there appears the study of gay and lesbian, which is dedicated to a study of gay and lesbian, in particular to its history, its nature or sociological evolvement.

    In Indonesia, an attempt to neutralize this term has not yet been extended to the public. As it remains limited to academicians working in the field of LGBT, Sexuality and gender, and language specialist or linguist working in the areas of LGBT literature. Unfortunately, there are still many countries that question the term “gay” as it not only sounds pompous but also creates a certain minority group in society’s structure of hierarchy.

    Thus from the evolvement of the term “homosexual” to “gay” and eventually “queer”, what can we do to give the peoples of LGBT freedom of speech in all aspects? What should they do next?


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  • 10 Tips to Improve Intimacy for Couples

    10 Tips to Improve Intimacy for Couples

    Life can get so busy at times that it is easy to forget to nurture your relationship.  Connecting with a partner on a daily basis can be difficult for most people, but fostering a healthy relationship is worth taking the time. A great relationship is one built on mutual respect as well as both putting the energy and time to keep the relationship passionate, fun, and intimate.  Many times it is easy to fall into a rut or a pattern and take the other person for granted, this happens in all long-term relationships, from time to time.

    10 tips for couples to improve the intimacy as well keep the relationship fresh and exciting!

    1.  Keep in contact at least once a day, by phone, text, skype, a kiss in the morning or a hug at night.  This may sound like a silly tip, but for many couples, especially those who travel or do not live together a simple hello, or I love you every day will keep that person’s mind connected with yours.  Most couples that have successful long-term marriages put the effort into staying in touch.  With the invention of the cell phone and texting, it is easy as 123 … I love u … or XOXO!

    2.  Compliment your partner more often, say something nice to them, be honest and say it from the heart.  Noticing a new pair of shoes, or haircut can be from a simple compliment to a really nice compliment that shows appreciation for the little things they may do for you.

    3.  Appreciation as stated above, is one of the best ways to let your partner know that you like something that they are doing for you.  This works well in the bedroom too.  If you like to be touched in a certain way, let your partner know that it feels nice and they are more likely to do more of it!

    4.  Touch!  People crave another person’s touch, but the secret is to touch them the way that they like to be touched.  When you know what your partner likes then you can do it more often.  It can be rubbing behind their head, or holding hands, hugging, kissing, a gentle massage.  Touch can be sensual as well, done with lips, fingers hands or using your body, but make sure to find out what they really like first.

    5.  Do something new to break up the routine each week.  It does not have to be something big, but it should be a way to increase the intimacy. Read a book together instead of watching television, try a new position in bed, run a hot bath and take it together instead of a shower.

    Read on for the next 5 tips regarding Sex!

  • No Wedding For Me!!!!

    No Wedding For Me!!!!

    Decades ago, when it became clear I was more gay than not, there came a peculiar realization not long afterwards that I would never have a wedding. I would never have a bride in a white dress, never have a rowdy, disgusting bachelor party with all my best friends from high school and college, never make my mother Truly Happy; my sister would never have any nephews or nieces, (and neither would I, in fact, because my sister is a dyke and addressing most of the same issues as I was, at about the same time.) I would never have to worry about whether the ceremony should be in a church or a temple, never have to decide whether or not to simply elope and keep the money, never have to worry about the colors of the bridesmaids’ dresses. I wouldn’t have the biggest worry of all, which is if she will really want me AFTER the first night. Given all that, I pretty much just put it out of my mind.

    Every once in a while, when I was invited to a friend’s wedding, and when I had bought wedding gifts for almost everyone I had ever known, many of them for the second or the third time, there came a little pang of regret that THEY will never be buying a wedding gift for me. And then later on, when they had children, I bought silver spoons or baby clothes for them because it was obvious that I would never be buying them for my OWN children. And then, if you’re like me, you remember all those weddings you attended. The first ones, when you were small, and how bizarre they were, with everyone dressed up and stressed out, and how they made you wear a coat and tie, which made you feel very adult and capable of sampling everyone’s alcoholic drinks when they weren’t paying attention.

    When I was in grammar school, my mother used to rent out a spare room to “college girls” for extra income. I found it embarrassing but was unable to change the situation. These girls were attending Sacramento Junior College, to learn cosmetology or find a boyfriend, or, if they were extremely lucky, both. Many of them came from farms in the Central Valley, and they were called Vargas, or Diaz, or Ramos. A particularly lively girl, despite her triste-sounding name, Dolores Ramos, was one of my mother’s favorites, and after she graduated from the College and returned to the farmlands, she and my mother stayed in touch. When Dolores decided to marry, there was a major celebratory event and in addition to a large Catholic church wedding, an enormous Portuguese banquet took place in the local grange hall. An ethnic band played non-stop, there were endless tables of food, multiple bars, dancing and major consumption of alcohol long into the night. I drank too many leftover cocktails and found myself tipsy for the first time, which was extremely enjoyable.

    There followed Jewish weddings, Protestant weddings, even a couple of Baptist weddings, which were less amusing than the Portuguese weddings, even from my then child’s point of view at that time. Subsequently, I attended formal weddings, indoor weddings, hippie weddings in the California Redwood Groves, casual weddings, even a couple of last-minute, Nevada shotgun weddings. The thing about all these weddings was that there was always a bride and a groom, no matter what the composition of the families involved, and each and every time I got through a service and a party, I thought: “Damn, it’s too bad I’ll never have one of these.”