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How To Have Sex When Shy

Sex Ed

How To Have Sex When Shy

Sex is a natural intimate interaction between two consenting adults. Whether it is done casually after the first meeting and not repeated (a one night stand), casually and repeated (friends with benefits, hookup/booty call), in a monogamous relationship, in a polyamorous relationship (where there is still a romantic inclination but there are other partners), or done as part of a financial transaction such as when one seeks the service of a sex worker.  There is no shame in doing it, how often you do it, or who you do it with so long as you do it safely and all those involved consent to it.

Now, I am personally someone who can be intimate with another person and not engage in any kind of sexual activity and still feel fulfilled by the intimacy and their company. I also have a more analytical mind to it. People do it because it feels good, whether the physical aspect of the acts themselves and the biological reactions or the mental and emotional fulfillments and release of endorphins.  I’m a very casual, go with the flow person. I go by intuition and instinct rather than itemising every aspect of the interaction and experience. I prefer things to be more organic. If something goes slightly awry I’d rather laugh it off and continue going about the encounter rather than let it ruin the experience.

I prefer people feel comfortable and relaxed with me and whatever happens happens, rather than focus only on the physical pleasure aspect of it. Perhaps I should also note I am pansexual and have had sexual encounters with men, women, and Trans* individuals and enjoy it all equally. My first sexual experience when I was in my teens was with another girl.

How To Initiate Sex Even If Shy

Coming up with a good ice breaker can be hard. As if you’re with another person who is shy and neither wants to make the first move while you are more likely to get the point across by being blunt, “Would you like to fool around sexually?” it may also be too strong a come on to the other person. It’s important to be aware of how the other person is feeling and make sure they’re comfortable with you. If they are more confident than you are, try your best to use your words and body language to make you clearly available and receptive to them coming onto you and making the first move.

-Touch them – you don’t have to grope or fondle – just touch such as on the arm, leg, lean against them. Make yourself open to their touch as well – uncross your legs, don’t keep your arms folded, try to keep your body angled towards them. Eye contact can be difficult for those who are more introverted but one of the best non-verbal ways to express interest in a person is to make eye contact with them. You don’t have to stare but during conversation, try to keep meeting their gaze. As always ,respect physical boundaries and personal space. If your partner is also shy and not very touchy-feely, don’t touch them as much and try to steer conversation towards sex. You don’t have to be explicit. Bring up a movie or TV show that has something very sexual and ask them what they think about it. Ask their opinion on a feature of yours that could be considered sexual – for ladies, ask what your partner thinks of your top, your lipstick, your bottoms.

For men, ask what your partner thinks of a feature you feel particularly proud of and try to direct it after getting answers to what they might think of what you’re packing in your pants.  It’s hard to be “smooth” when you’re shy so chances are, especially when first engaging with someone, it’s going to be awkward. Just roll with it! You’ll laugh about it later when you’re done and basking in the post-orgasmic bliss!

Photo: PhotoFantasies

Common Reasons For Being Shy

The most typical reason for shyness during sex is some form of major insecurity. People often feel insecure about their looks and their bodies, for example. Or they feel insecure because of their social experiences (or lack thereof). They worry about making a mistake and the other person not liking them or something going very wrong. They may think the person they are trying to engage with is out of their league and they are not good enough which makes it harder for them to focus on pleasure and being in the moment.  Those who faced a lot of rejection even when they are currently involved in a sexual encounter may feel a lot of shyness and insecurity and second guess everything they do and say because they still worry they will be rejected.

Men who are insecure about the size of their penis often experience shyness when engaging with a partner and may even have a difficult time getting and maintaining an erection, or reaching the point of orgasm. Even if their partner assures them they’re fine, what they’re doing feels good, and they want to have sex with them. People with less common sexual preferences and fantasies may feel shy during sex because the typical acts aren’t giving them as much pleasure and they are afraid of their partner judging them and deciding to stop engaging if they bring up what would really get them going.

In turn, someone may feel shy because if their partner brings up whatever they’re doing isn’t doing it for them and they want to try something else that they, themselves, aren’t good enough and are feeling rejected which can lower the mood for them.  When it comes to sex, communication is always key but those who are more introverted have to work extra hard at maintaining communication so that they do have a good time because they have a lot more going on in their minds than someone who is more outgoing and be afraid to express themselves.

Photo: PhotoFantasies

Steps To Feel More Comfortable In Bed

If you are in a position where you are consenting to sex and wanting to have sex and you are with a person consenting to sex with you who wants to have sex with you – the best thing to do is accept that it is happening. That it is okay. You are where you want to be and doing what you want to do.  Doubt can often get in the way of someone feeling comfortable in bed.  Don’t be afraid to communicate with your partner. Tell them what’s feeling good and what isn’t. If it helps you, before you even start, cuddle with them and tell them some of the things you like and ask them what they like so once you get started you’re already comfortable and enjoying yourselves.

People who get nervous about sex and are introverted may want to use alcohol to loosen up and relax and for those who do, moderation is important. Please do not get drunk just to relax enough to have sex. For one you likely won’t enjoy the experience as much as you think you would, and for another more important reason is it is much more difficult for you to consent to things sexually when you are inebriated. You may agree to something during sex you wouldn’t have agreed to sober or you may have given someone the ability to have sex with you when you normally wouldn’t have. It can lead to not always the best situation. It’s important to feel relaxed and comfortable to have a good time but not at the expense of health and safety.

If you are with a new partner or you and your partner do not plan on starting a family, make sure you have the conversation about safe sex and use protection. With a new partner, to reduce the chance of getting an STD, use barrier protection. Nervousness about pregnancy or catching an STD can make someone very uncomfortable in bed if a plan of action isn’t made first.

Taking Control During Sex Despite Being Shy

Taking control can be one of the more difficult things an introverted person can do during sex but can turn into the most liberating when they are able to do it. Dirty talk is a great first step if the partner is open to it. Tell them what is feeling good and what you would like them to do. As you are getting into the groove, take it upon yourself to switch positions or change up the acts (in a safe way).

Always communicate and don’t do things without permission unless you are doing something as part of an established kink between yourselves and already laid out the rules and boundaries ahead of time. (Rough handling and such are common kinks and asking “is this okay” every time you do something rough in that scenario can be a mood breaker.)

Your pleasure is yours so whether you get more pleasure by giving or receiving, communicate that with your partner and you become in control of your sexual encounter.

Photo: PhotoFantasies

Ways To Lead To Sex

The creation of “Netflix and Chill” is a gift from the heavens for the more introverted. Especially when that is what it in fact is at first. You and your desired partner are watching something, sitting close together, enjoying each other’s company. An easy way is to put on something with sexual overtones or outright sex scenes. But also simply watching something that is a common interest can lead to conversation and connection. Connection is what leads to sex.

As you are hanging out, start touching more and let the conversation progress to the subject of hooking up and once you’re there you’re off to the races!  I’m a huge geek so I go to the anime, sci-fi, gaming, and comic book conventions. There you can meet like-minded people with the same interests. Most of them take place in hotels where people have their own rooms. As convention activities wind down in the evenings, it is easy to find someone to talk to you’re interested in and if the interest is mutual, one of you can invite the other to your room to “hang out” which usually leads to sex (many times there is drinking involved as well in these hang outs so please see my prior feelings about using alcohol in moderation when wanting to have sex).

Modern technology has also made it a lot easier for those who are introverted to be able to have sex with someone. Many shy people have a harder time with face to face conversations but communicating via text messages is easier. If someone rejects you, the conversation can be deleted and forgotten about with much less shame. Any people also feel more liberated to be more forward with their desires, sexually, via communicating using a smartphone or through a social program on the computer. There are even apps now where all you have to do is swipe a few times and exchange some pleasantries and you can meet up that same day for a sexual encounter already knowing you’re both interested.

Build Your Sexual Confidence

If someone just needs practice talking, there are many sites with men and women who give sexual performances on live streams who will talk with those who participate. One can even pay for a private show where they can communicate directly one on one with the performer. This can help one practice feeling comfortable talking sexually and flirting with someone who interests them without fear of rejection and there’s that additional protective barrier of it being done online.

There are cam sites with performers of all genders, not just women performing for men so that kind of practice is out there for anyone.  For someone who needs in person practice in a place where they won’t be judged, especially if they want to practice something sexually, in the state of Nevada, there are legal licensed brothels. The sex workers there are professional and understanding of all situations and go to great lengths to make someone comfortable. It’s not free but many people have reported benefits from paying to have the experience with a licensed legal sex worker that lead to them having more confidence in themselves to initiate relationships and encounters in their regular social lives.


Kitti Minx – A model, cosplayer, and adult performer who specialized in the niches of “Alternative”, “Geek Chic”, “Cosplay”, and “Fetish”.  She does photoshoots and a XXX video for a variety of companies as well as her own website. For one on one intimate experiences with fans she offers services as a legal luxury companion at the world famous Mustang Ranch in Reno, Nevada.

Follow Kitti Minx on:

Website: http://www.kitti-minx.com
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Upcoming Events:

Throughout the summer I will be shooting photo sets for Suicide Girls as well as my own website, plus hot XXX videos for various companies but also my site as well. Be sure to join as a member to my site and follow my social media to stay up to date for release of new sexy content. I also announce live streams on my site through my social media.

During the summer and fall I will be attending events at clubs and other venues and hosting special events. If you do not follow the club scene keep an eye on my social media to see if I will be at a location near you! I will be available to sign autographs and sell exclusive merchandise including DVDs.


Images courtesy of Kitti Minx

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Kitti Minx

Kitti Minx in a model, cosplayer, and adult performer who specialized in the niches of “Alternative”, “Geek Chic”, “Cosplay”, and “Fetish”. She does photoshoots and a XXX video for a variety of companies as well as her own website. For one on one intimate experiences with fans she offers services as a legal luxury companion at the world famous Mustang Ranch in Reno, Nevada.

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