Tag: Sex

From my experience as a bondage producer (and real life “player”) it is hard to say just how people develop “fetishes,” without conducting numerous studies, especially those that are of a more seemingly sinister nature as bondage (and BDSM as a whole) appears to be. Bondage is ultimately a sub-set of BDSM (or bondage, domination and sadomasochism) and may not necessarily be about “pain” at all. Regardless, for the scientific community, fetishism as a whole is a kind of mental state called paraphilia, which, “is a condition in which a person’s sexual arousal and gratification depend on fantasizing about and engaging in sexual behavior that is atypical and extreme.”[i] The dependence aspect is a curious one given that without a particular situation or act, sexual arousal becomes difficult or even impossible. As a producer of bondage media that largely depicts women in bondage, the role of “dependence” is something interesting to be considered for both the “dominant” and “submissive” (i.e. performer). Perhaps a certain level of co-dependence or even symbiosis is more accurate if the participants are truly engaged in the act.

One thing to note is that women in bondage is a turn-on for people due to a host of reasons, as varied as snowflakes, each a unique journey that sometimes ends up in a dysfunctional tumultuous relationship or mutual sexual bliss. For me, it has been at times bittersweet and other times sublime. Due to the social stigma attached to men who are into women getting bounded, gagged and “played with”, some level of public secrecy is essential when dealing with what porn stars call “civilians” (i.e. the general public as well as institutions like banks and other gatekeepers who like to judge what is considered “acceptable” conduct). There is no way to have them read my mind and understand that I’m not a closet rapist so much as a fetishist who seeks out models who enjoy playing the role of a submissive and relish the attention as wanton “objects” of desire. If there is objectification, it need not exclude humanity and even empathy, but this is also something that is difficult to understand if you’re an uninterested party.

While some producers prefer anonymity, others are quite open and embrace the experience in its totality and are even consumed by it (as in they live it 24-7 with their partners). I am not such a producer as I do compartmentalize and crave an eclectic life experience that involves more than just tying up and dominating submissive women (or those who are submissive for pay!). In fact, I have gone to great lengths to not view this as “normal” so much as something that simply exists as a kind of foreplay and sometimes part of sex acts with a consenting partner. After any carnal relations, I have always preferred to be normal and not have a partner who wants to be dictated to like some “slave.” The complexities of roleplaying with women in bondage are more about (sometimes dark) fantasies that engage both parties who want a level of elevated excitement for many different reasons. Sometimes it’s the adrenalin rush of something “dangerous” or forbidden (and not too far from those who enjoy sex in public while barely hoping they won’t get caught in the act). This is not so easily communicated to the “vanilla” world at large that (rightly) views violence against women as a purely negative thing, but may not understand (or even want to) that two people can engage in what appears to be at times (faux) violence, even though it is nothing more than acting (in videos) and consensual foreplay (in real life).

Mainstream society has its acceptable forms of bondage, but overall, by the latter half of the 20^th century, it has come to be primarily identified with a female dominatrix dominating a willing male submissive. There are many reasons for this that largely involve how societies have been historically patriarchal and, at times, misogynistic. To correct this historical imbalance, most Western societies have embraced egalitarianism and feminism. Feminism is a dirty word to many bondage enthusiasts, but to me it is a term that ranges from wholeheartedly supporting equal rights for women (as I do) to determine how they want to live their lives without men dictating to them to the more fringe radical views that all men are oppressive patriarchs. Within this context, a kind of “compensation state” exists in the media to counter the well-documented historical mistreatment of women that continues in many parts of the world. Thus, the dominatrix is acceptable because men are seen as still being in-charge and thus can be subjected to acts that used to be done largely to women since it does nothing to disrupt the current gender balance of power (but does depict women in positions of power and trains younger generations to not view women as inherently subordinate to men).

Of course this implies to many that the sexes aren’t really equal at all if only submissive males are socially acceptable and female submission is deemed unacceptable. It also brings up the issue of the “weaker” sex in the physical sense, although one could argue that many female bodybuilders and trained fighters are far from weak these days! What ends up being key is the crucial issue of consent. In fact, amongst fetishists who are into bondage, there is a phrase that encapsulates how a bondage dominant and submissive relationship operates: consensual non-consent. In other words, the submissive willingly goes along or roleplays as a being of intense desire for the dominant who will do to her whatever he wants (usually based upon agreed terms and possibly a “safe” word in case things become too uncomfortable for the submissive). The bondage aspect may range from the aesthetic appeal of women in bondage to a desire to control. And as to whether this is at all normal and even healthy is perhaps questionable unless of course both parties ARE also able to function as normal healthy people. The extremities take on a darker and muddled tone when one delves into sadomasochism (something I generally do not shoot myself simply because I’m not a sadist), but again there are people who find S&M extremely enthralling. The Marquis de Sade comes to mind as an early example of turning women into objects and abusing them for pleasure (and many women today take part as submissives as well as dominants, some of whom enjoy such shocking, to the average layperson, activities as kicking willing males in their genitals!). And the pleasure is becoming highly individualized as well with the rise of the internet and social networking.

Nearly all manner of sexual interests now have little niche forums where the like-minded can reinforce each other’s views and commiserate and share their experiences. Willing female participants are today perhaps marginally acceptable (hard to argue against the behavior of consenting adults who are not breaking any laws), but it is a very gray area for many who view anyone who engages in this sort of behavior, especially towards women, as, at the very, an insecure control freak. With that in mind, it is perhaps something that can be explained albeit tolerated and not necessarily celebrated.

Popular culture and bondage

Despite this perception of women in bondage as a demented kink, pop culture abounds with female bondage in the mainstream. This speaks to a widespread interest that likely ranges from fantasies that are never lived out to real life players engaging in bondage as foreplay and part of sex acts. While most depictions of an overtly sexual nature are of men serving dominatrixes, the willing female submissive in bondage has received little more than the recent mass media sensation that is 50 Shades of Grey as well as the earlier and more compelling film The Secretary (with Maggie Gyllenhaal portraying a woman who discovers that she enjoys being a lifestyle submissive to her boss/lover). Still, for bondage aficionados, the mainstream is rife with females in bondage, usually a staple on crime dramas such as the many CSI and Law and Order clones with their derivative and repetitive plots that often require more lurid scenarios to boost ratings. Internationally as well, women in bondage with sexual overtones is a common sight found in such far-flung places as Bollywood in India to Russia (home to some extreme bondage sex porn) as well as tele-novellas from Latin America. Numerous sites catalogue and disseminate mass media bondage depictions so there is clearly no shortage out there.

The constant depiction of women bound and gagged in dramatic visual media may in fact be a turn-on for a much wider audience (including dominant lesbians as well as male doms), ironically due in part to this media exploitation. This is not unique to women in bondage as slasher films, with story-lines that literally go nowhere other than a massive body count, perform well at the box office and point towards a kind of, again, socially acceptable and tolerated fetishism that is much darker than bondage porn, necro porn. Even some so-called “news” shows take the most lurid approach in the name of reporting the news while focusing upon the female in bondage and decrying it at the same time they use it to attract viewers. Perhaps this is all a window into the forbidden thoughts within us all that need not be simply about real-life violence, but about fantasies.

Inspiring others to commit acts of violence is without a doubt the worst possible outcome when considering the depiction of women in bondage. Is it an outlet though that allows for safe fantasies or an example of how to view women? There is no way to regulate or monitor thoughts, but rules and guidelines are possible in my opinion. Everything can’t be simplified and sometimes the complexity conveys a level of understanding that would be missed by mere bullet points. Perhaps for this reason, I approach my bondage video productions with an eye towards making it clear that it’s not real, often with sarcasm, humor, and outlandish situations (such as the inclusion of such tropes as superheroines in bondage that harken back to the Wonder Woman TV series starring an often times bound and gagged Linda Carter). Some men trace their interests to early games of cowboys and indians in which a female would get tied up, but the inspiration would often be films and TV shows like The Avengers (a quirky British series from the 1960s that often depicted females in bondage, while rarely showing males tied up). These damsels in distress are common within the film noir sub-genre and hint at the fetishization of women in bondage since the beginning of mass media. With social acceptance of individual behavior having been expanded by the 1960s, sexploitation films from the 1970s proliferated females in bondage and reached audiences all over the world. With all of these in mind, it is important to understand that this is all about fantasy and should only be viewed as such and if anyone wishes to replicate anything of this sort, it should always be with a consenting partner. This message may not get through to all, but is important for a truly civilized society that must balance law and order with what consenting adults choose to do even if many find it distasteful.

The sexual allure of women in bondage harkens back further in some parts of the world to diverse expressions such as Japanese art (and modern Japanese bondage or shibari is also an inspiration for many bondage enthusiasts) and early detective magazines that would discuss criminal cases sometimes with clinical detachment and yet focus upon violent acts towards women. Within these detective magazines, the violent acts appear to be almost a side-note to the often graphic depiction of beautiful women bound and gagged with their clothes in tatters on covers and in photo spreads, which begs the question, were these magazines really just covering crime for enthusiasts or were they somehow also looking to depict women in bondage because it was good for sales (and perhaps gratifying to publishers themselves)? Early bondage “pioneers” saw an aesthetic appeal to women in bondage as artistic expressions of sexual beauty often personified through models such as Bettie Page. Numerous performers drawn to burlesque pattern themselves after these fetishists (and wear stockings, garter belts and high heels as expression of the style these early bondage enthusiasts made popular). All of these began during the sexually repressive 1950s that evolved during the course of the counter-culture movement that made such expressions more tolerable during and after the 1960s. All of these being a bit before my time, but important to understand as context.

[i]       http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/paraphilias

Stay tuned to tomorrow for Johnny’s introduction to bondage

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Discipline is one of the most important aspects of the D/s lifestyle. Keyed into the dynamic between a mistress and a slave or submissive in the lifestyle is the need for obedience. This is such a fundamental part of what we do that there are several kinks based around the concepts of ‘service submission’—someone who gains pleasure from serving other, more dominant people. In an ideal world, all submissives and slaves would be like this, willing to do whatever the dominant requires of them and gaining their pleasure from this service.

However, as should be obvious, this is not an ideal world and the majority of submissives need to be taught the error of their ways before aspiring to perfection in their submission. This is why we need punishment.

Done correctly, punishment should be a means by which a dominant helps a submissive to learn how to serve them better. There should be structure, meaning, and an educational goal. It should not be issued without reason and the submissive needs to know why they are being punished. It also needs to avoid the inherent complications of the D/s lifestyle which mostly revolve around the existence of masochists—those who gain sexual pleasure from pain.

Consider this old BDSM themed joke:

Masochist: Hurt me
Sadist: No.

It highlights one of the fundamental flaws in the BDSM dynamic when masochists are involved. The masochist desires pain and the sadist enjoys giving it. Yet, surely the sadist can hurt the masochist more by not doing what they want—frustrating their quest for sexual gratification through pain? The sadist gets their kicks and the sub doesn’t, which may twist those sadistic tendencies even more.

The simple fact is that a masochist desires to be hurt and may therefore invite punishment. This makes the use of physical punishment—both the traditional image of crops and whips as well as the use of clamps and other means of torture such as electroplay—somewhat pointless. The masochist will actively seek out such activities so if the dominant makes them punishments for misbehaviour, they should not be surprised to see more misbehaviour.

And truth be told, it is not just masochists who have this problem. Whatever punishment you devise, there is likely a kinkster who gets off on it in some way. There are subs who enjoy humiliation, cross dressing, bondage, watersports, SCAT, a whole host of activities that the majority may not find pleasant but which they find intensely satisfying. There are even those who simply enjoy doing something because a mistress told them to do it, whatever that thing might be.

This dilemma can be easily solved by making the punishments individual to a sub or slave. It also requires that a dominant separates the concept of punishment from that of funishment—which may be defined as actions which may be seen as ‘punishment’ performed purely for fun. If you are playing with a sub or have some reason to reward them for good work, you might choose to ‘punish’ them with something fun—a funishment. If, on the other hand, you genuinely want to teach them a lesson, then you punish them with something they do not enjoy.

This does require getting to know your submissive first. You can do this in a number of ways such as one of the many BDSM checklists out there or simply getting them to tell you what they like and don’t like. Some dominants set new potential submissives writing tasks as part of this ‘getting to know you period’. The aim here is to establish lists of activities which need to be organised as ‘things they enjoy’, ‘things they do not enjoy but will do’ and ‘things they will never do’ (which are sometimes referred to as limits and can be split into hard and soft according to your preference). At which point, with only a little extra work, you have a list of funishments (things they enjoy) and a list of punishments (things they do not enjoy but will do).

Using this method, it is easy to see that there are many activities which can be used as punishment beyond the somewhat clichéd ‘corporal punishment’ range of spankings, whips and crops. Because of the predominance of masochists in the lifestyle, these methods are actually more often less effective as punishments but very useful in funishment. Though there are some non-masochists on the scene, most subs are to a greater or lesser extent, lovers of pain. It is up to the dominant to establish exactly how far they are willing to go with that pain before it gets too much for them—is there a line beyond which it moves from fun to punishment? Is that line beyond the point where the dominant can deliver it without harming themselves (from stress and strain on their whipping muscles) or hurting the sub in any permanent way? With some masochists you are better off looking to other methods.

One way to properly punish a sub is boredom. The old school classic of writing lines is no longer used in schools but can still be applied in BDSM quite happily (as far as I am aware Ofsted rarely visit BDSM schoolrooms so you should be OK). In this highly technical day and age, when most people type rather than write by hand, it is an even greater punishment. You can also have them sit in a corner, facing the wall, or get them to hold a coin on the wall with their nose. All three methods combine a tedious task with a lack of dominant communication. The message being ‘good boys and girls get to stay in the dungeon with mistress and have fun, bad ones don’t’. They are the BDSM equivalent to the ‘naughty step’. Added torture here can be introduced if there are multiple subs and the others are happily being whipped or otherwise ‘funished’ while the punishment is going on and the punished sub can hear this. This can, of course, tie in with cuckolding fantasies and there is always fun to be had by having a sub bound and blindfolded in a room while you entertain a ‘better’ sub to whatever fun activities you like.

Another method is chastity. If a sub is not otherwise undergoing any form of chastity this can be imposed—either by placing an appropriate device on them or simply not permitting them to cum for a set length of time, the idea of cum restriction. If they are already in chastity, then you can extend their locked period even longer or increase the amount of teasing imposed on them.

Humiliation is also a common method of punishment. This might be something as simple as name calling. Some dominants have pet names for their subs and sometimes they might have one affectionate pet name used in the majority of cases and one that is insulting or belittling to use to show displeasure. You can also stage more elaborate humiliations such as forcing a sub to be naked or to cross dress. Telling a female sub to go without knickers for a day while at work or doing other day to day things can, in some cases, be very effective in humiliating her while making a male sub wear female underwear can have a similar effect. You can add a level of escalation to this as well. For a female sub, start by allowing them free choice in what they wear but if they misbehave again, a skirt must be worn and that skirt can get shorter. For male subs, you might start with just a pair of female knickers and even make those relatively plain such that they could easily be mistaken for Y fronts, but you can progress onto frillier, more feminine and more revealing underwear and also add bras, stockings or tights and other layers of underwear. This form of humiliation is effective as it is something private only you and the sub know but they are always aware of it and concerned that someone will find out.

Actual public humiliation is a controversial issue because of the issues of consent. Whether you follow Safe Sane Consensual (SSC) or Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) you have to be sensitive to the fact that the public will not have consented to being exposed to any kink you perform. Plus a lot of it can get your sub arrested. Public humiliation is best kept to play parties or other spaces where everyone is kink friendly. Though, of course, you do not necessarily have to tell the sub that it is a kink friendly place. There are also little things that can be done in public which are humiliating because the sub is aware of them but the general public are not. For example, having a male sub always sit to use the toilet, regardless of what they are doing, making sure to remind them that they should ‘pee like a girl’ from now on. Having your male sub wear clothing which is unisex or slightly feminine but still plausible for a man to be wearing is another way. A blouse instead of a shirt, female cut jeans instead of straight cut male ones. These little touches are unlikely to be noticed by casual observers but both you and the sub know they are there.

In all, whether you punish or funish, there are a lot of options for showing a submissive the error of their ways beyond just whipping them.

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