Tag: Sex worker

8 Questions You Should Stop Asking Sex Workers

Before I begin, I want all of the non-sex workers to realize that this article isn’t meant to be in rude or unkind. If you’re feeling a bit offended by this, just put yourself in our shoes. Being asked uninformed, annoying, and sometimes borderline offensive questions gets very old very quick. We just want you all to be informed.

Do your parents know about what you do?

To the naive eye, this seems like a harmless question. For some, it is. For others, it isn’t. Every family is different, and not everyone’s parents are open minded. For those people, it might be a very sore subject. Bringing it up time and time again can stir up some pretty harsh memories. It’s best to just leave it alone. If they’re open to talk about it, they will on their own, without strangers prodding about it.

Why don’t you get a real job?

Okay, we all know you’re not saying this out of curiousity because you’re straight up saying that what we do isn’t real work. That isn’t okay, and it definitely isn’t for you to say whether or not Sex Work is ~real work~. We pay taxes, just like you. We work hard every day, just like you. If you think otherwise, take a walk in our shoes for a day. Seriously, don’t ask this question. It’s hateful and rude.

What will you do when you get too old for sex work?

None of us were aware that sex work had an age limit. You should probably tell Dita Von Teese, who turns 43 this year. I’ve heard a range of different ages that people believe women should quit sex work. 50. 25. 34. 23. Seriously, stop. You never hear “what will you do when you get too old to be a Chef?” or “Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be a customer service provider?” now do you? Stop asking us this. Sex Work does not have an age limit, just in the same way that any other job doesn’t have an age limit.

How can I do what you do?

As someone who entered the industry with no help, started with no help, and gained a following with no help; I don’t understand the point of this question. It’s not rocket science. You join a site. You produce content. You market yourself. There’s no magical secret to it. You have to be independent, unique, and business savvy. None of us can do that for you and not a single one of us want to spoon feed you because none of us were spoon fed. Furthermore, nothing we can say will guarantee that you’ll even be successful because there are a lot of personal factors that come into play when it comes to being successful as a sex work. What works for me might not work for you. Stop wasting your time asking this question and spend a little more time doing personal research and getting into the field.

Is your significant other okay with you doing sex work?

Why do you care? Seriously, what compels you to ask this? Trust me, most of us wouldn’t be with the people we’re with if they didn’t approve. Furthermore, I’d like to add that NO ONE should ever allow their significant other to control their decisions (considering that they’re not harmful to them, which sex work is NOT, no matter how much people try to paint it otherwise). You need a partner, not a parent.

Do you like your job?

While a lot of Sex Workers love the job, not all Sex Workers are crazy about it or see it as a career. Some do it for survival rather than passion (which doesn’t necessarily mean that the two are mutually exclusive). Furthermore, why do we have to like it? Why are we required to enjoy our job when no one else is? No one bats an eye when someone working a Non-Sex Work job complains about their work, but when we even make the smallest complaints, we recieve such horrible backlash.

Does your job make you feel dehumanized?

Let me ask you; would you ask this of someone that worked a vanilla job? Why are we required to constantly explain to complete strangers why our jobs don’t dehumanize us? It almost seems like we’re always required to remind YOU that we’re humans. You wouldn’t even ask a non-nude model this, despite the fact that the job is exceedingly similar. Personally, I’ve never found the job dehumanizing, but I definitely find this question dehumanizing. It is rude, and it’s silly. It’d probably be best if you didn’t ask this anymore.

Don’t you think you’re too pretty for sex work?

Come on. A pretty big portion of the job is based on appearance. Do you really think this is a smart question?

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. These are only the few of the questions you should probably refrain from asking. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of us love talking about the job, but in a positive light. Most of the questions above can come across as mean spirited, and sometimes they are. Please take that into consideration before you attempt to ask us anything. Furthermore, I’d like to thank Espi Kvlt and AurraSing for their helpful input. You can check them both out on their tumblr pages.

http://espikvlt.com/

http://gothamswhore.tumblr.com/

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March 23, 2015
The First Time I Was Threatened For Being A Sex Worker

The first time I had ever received a negative reaction to my sex work (in person, anyway) was in summer of 2012. At this point, I had been posting nudes for no more than a year and selling them for maybe six months. I had already gained a small following from the free nudes, so the rest came naturally. I wasn’t able to stay closeted, however. I hung out with a pretty bad group of people. By that, I mean that if one person knew a secret, it wasn’t long before everyone knew.

I had ultimately decided not to keep it to myself after it had gone around for a while. My family knew and my friends knew. Pretty soon, I was attending parties, only to be stared down and gossiped about (never to my face). I’d get so uncomfortable that I’d have no choice but to leave. I started telling people, to their face, after that. I would much rather people find out from me than someone else.

The time I stated above was the worst reaction. By that point, I had become accustomed to introducing myself as a sex worker in some way. This specific night, I was drunk enough that I was introducing myself in such a manner as to say “Hi! I’m Ryden! I’m naked on the Internet.” Now, for the most part, people react positively. I find that just springing it on them before they’ve gotten the chance to hear anything else about me truly catches them off guard. They’re forced to get to know me as the person I want them to know me as, along with being a sex worker, instead of being Ryden, the sex worker. The whore. What have you.

This night was my friends’ (who are twins, who we’ll call Amy and Anthony) birthday. We were celebrating in this abandoned house on a friend’s property. Part of the house was completely burned out from a fire, but the rest of it was restored. By this time, I was pretty drunk and a lot of people I didn’t know were showing up. Naturally, I begin to introduce myself as stated above and this guy walks up. He happens to be Amy’s boyfriend and also one of the most popular musicians in the area. I already knew this guy from hearing about him, so I didn’t necessarily feel the need to introduce myself. However, he came with friends, so I begin to introduce myself to them.

I don’t know what this set off in the guy (we’ll call him Matt), but something about what I said or just being me in general got him angry. As I’m introducing myself, he starts in on me. “Hey yeah, I heard about you! You’re a slut!” I flinched a bit as he continued on a tirade of insults finally ending with “If you were my sister, I’d beat the shit out of you. In fact, I might anyway.” This cause a huge uproar in the large group of people, ending in Anthony almost fighting Matt. This caused Matt to back off and eventually leave the party.

That was the first time I was ever confronted in a negative way. So many people had told me that I was such an inspiration to them, and that I was so strong and beautiful, and hence I didn’t necessarily know how to take his comments. I would laugh at them in front of everyone, though. I learned pretty quickly through an endless tirade of “kill yourself” and “I hate you” from strangers on the Internet that it’s better to keep your composure in front of others.

Later, I would cry. I was drunk, but I knew when to be afraid. I had never felt truly threatened by someone in person before. I really didn’t know how to deal with it. It impacted me to the point where I stopped outing myself to strangers after that. On the Internet, it was one thing to be threatened, but in person it was entirely different. I didn’t know how to deal.

Then I thought about how Anthony stuck up for me. How after that, my friends became more protective of me at parties where I knew very few people. I realized at that point that no matter what, there are always going to be people on your side. For every one jerk, there will always be ten friends who would kick that one jerk’s face in.

I want to close this little article up by saying that being outed as a sex worker definitely isn’t for everyone. I am lucky enough to have a family that loves me unconditionally. Still, your parents might kick you out and disown you. Some of your friends might leave you behind. Still, someone will always be in your corner. Whether it’s the stranger in the coffee shop, the girl you just met at the party, or your friend on Tumblr. There will always be someone that believes in you and would stick up for you through anything.

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February 28, 2015
Why Asking Me How to Be a Sex Worker is Annoying For Me, and Bad for You

We all complain about it on a regular basis. Yet the questions keeps pouring in. “Tell me how to be a cam girl!” “Tell me how to be a stripper!” “Tell me how to be a full-service sex worker!” While my experience is mostly in “Tell me how to sell my nude photos/masturbation clips!” we all hear all of the above constantly. And now I am here to shine a light on why it’s not only terribly annoying for us, but also why asking us is pointless for you, and a waste of both of our time.

The first thing people need to understand is that no two sex workers have the same experience. None. Just because I make as much doing sex work as I do at my vanilla job doesn’t mean you will. Just because I can balance sex work, a vanilla job, and going to a university doesn’t mean you’ll be able to. Just because I’ve branched out my sex work into several different directions doesn’t mean you will. There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t do the same things I do, or make as much as I do, but you do need to understand that you and I aren’t going to have the same experience, and that’s a crucial aspect of being a sex worker.

Asking me how much I make in an average month is not just rude—it’s useless information. It will in no way determine how much you will make and it’s kind of a ridiculous question. There is no “average” for me. I make as much as people spend. This isn’t a vanilla job, and I’m not guaranteed to make anything at all. Please consider how it feels to be at the other end of the computer screen with someone asking you for your income for the previous two years. Please consider how rude that is. I know it’s not always intentionally rude, but that tone will always exist, regardless.

Another thing people need to understand is that just taking my niche and trying to market it not only makes you come off as someone who can’t be creative by yourself, but it’s very unlikely you’re going to make sales that way. I had someone come to me talking about how they want to use “Kvlt” in their model name, and I was blown away. To me, that just screams “I’m taking what you’ve already built and am going to remarket that because I believe it will get me more sales.” And I can guarantee you: stealing concepts/niches from other sex workers will not earn you instant success, and in fact, will make people a lot less likely to buy from you. Why would someone want to buy from someone who just steals ideas from the original creator of those ideas?

The same goes with content ideas. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve put a set or video up for sale, only to see another sex worker, or sometimes multiple sex workers, put up the same exact thing. Even if the content itself isn’t that original, to put up the same thing an hour or two after another sex worker, once again, is not the way to go about this business. Be creative! It’s unlikely you’ll make very many sales on ideas stolen from other people.

And perhaps even worse than all of that, the dreaded question, “How do I get started?” I’ve seen this question rise more and more the more I’ve been on Tumblr and every time, it baffles me. No one coached me into sex work. I figured out everything by myself, made mistakes, did everything on my own. I would say “use Google,” but even that shouldn’t be necessary. In the two years of being a sex worker, I’ve never Googled how to do anything. Everything I’ve done, I’ve figured out by myself and I think that I’m doing fairly well considering. Honestly, if you need someone to coach you into how to be a sex worker, this is not the industry for you. Especially working independently. If you won’t take the time to figure out the ins and outs of this industry, then you definitely aren’t going to take the time necessary to be successful in this industry. It may sound harsh, but it’s the truth.

I’ve seen so many girls come into sex work and fade away just as quickly. They’re the kind of people who put up one video, never advertise, and wait for the money to roll in, and that’s just not going to work. When people send their laundry list of questions about becoming a sex worker, it’s usually also met with the final sentence, “I’m hoping to make money really quick.” Well, you’re probably not going to make money really quick. Newbies in the sex industry really need to get that idea out of their heads asap, or they’re very likely to be disappointed.

Similarly, I’ve received questions like “I’ve been doing sex work for about a month now, and I’m so upset because no one’s buying anything!” Sex work is not an industry of instant success and if no one’s buying anything after a month, that doesn’t mean you suck as a sex worker. It means you’re in an industry where people aren’t always going to buy your content, and that’s just a fact. If you drop out a month in because no one has bought anything, you probably weren’t going to make it very long in sex work, anyway. And there’s of course the questions that need to be asked: Have you even advertised your content at all? Just posting it once on Tumblr and then nothing else isn’t really advertising. Please keep that in mind.

There’s also the new sex workers who ask me for a list of where I’ve gotten every article of clothing I’ve worn in all the content I’ve sold. Please don’t just wear the same things other sex workers wear. While I understand some of us are going to wear the same lingerie sometimes and that’s fine, purposefully trying to sell content in the same things I wear after asking me for a list of where I got everything is just lazy. Look for original stuff yourself. Please.

What this really boils down to is that a lot of new sex workers want those of us who have been doing this for a while to hold their hands down the path of selling sex. Well, most of us aren’t going to do that. And if someone does, it’s unlikely their advice will help you, and in fact, their advice is more likely to damage your future career. Figure it out on your own. For the sake of us, and for the sake of yourself, figure it out on your own.

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February 25, 2015
Sex Work: Behind The Porn

It’s time to dispel the number one myth I have received since becoming an independent sex worker: “That’s easy! All you do is get naked/masturbate on camera, and then the money comes pouring in!” I have two giant problems with this. The first one is that I am going to school to become a writer. Writing comes much easier to me than sex work does. But no one has ever claimed that that isn’t a real job. And the next is what I am going to focus this article on: the idea that what I do is easy work.

Now, if I compare what I do to my vanilla job, (I work at an arcade) then in the short run, sex work is easier than standing on my feet for eight hours. But at the same time, at that job, all I do is refill tickets and give people change for the most part. I deal with stupid questions in great quantity, as well, but I deal with that on an even greater scale as a sex worker. You wouldn’t believe some of the things people have asked me. My personal favorite? “How can you be a sex worker if you have a boyfriend?” They then went on to equate my job to cheating. The cringing was award-worthy. In the long run, sex work takes much more of my time and energy. Each thing I have produced, I have devoted much more time to than I do working an eight-hour shift at my vanilla job. So, here’s how it goes.

The first thing I must do is set up my surrounding area. This alone could take up to an hour. I am my own set designer, and if I finish, and it doesn’t look good, I tear it all down and start over. Sometimes my vision is more than I can take on. Sometimes that means a set or video I have planned won’t even get shot. If my surroundings don’t look good, I can’t shoot the set or video, knowing it wasn’t up to my standards.

Next, I am my own hair and make-up stylist. And I love long, gorgeous wigs. But long, gorgeous wigs are prone to major tangling and small objects getting caught in them. In one of my newest sets, I had to sit there and brush and pick out leaves from my wig for several hours. I had worn it out to the woods for another thing I shot, and leaves were stuck all over it. Make-up is also difficult, because the only one around to tell me if it looks good or not is my boyfriend, and while I trust his opinion, I also think he’s more prone to tell me it looks good than someone else might be. This process can sometimes take four or more hours. Especially when I’m doing full-on face paint with a long wig.

Now for the fun part! Shooting it! The part that people think is all I do, and then it magically gets up and sells itself! And shooting is tough. Really tough. Videos are easier for me. But they require acting, and if a shot isn’t angled in a pleasing way, I will have to delete it and start over. Sometimes I have to redo the entire video because none of the shots turned out how I wanted. And shooting a set is the farthest thing from easy. I self-shoot for the most part. Coming up with poses, angling the camera, figuring out how to work with my space, sitting there for three or more hours coming up with what I’m going to do, distorting my body until it hurts to get a decent photo, struggling with the camera, trying to get at least 200 photos so that when I chop them down I’ll have enough left over. None of that is easy. And it’s exhausting. And my body aches for several days afterwards because of the ways I was posing.

The next part also takes several hours: Editing! This is my least favorite part of sex work. It’s a struggle. It takes a ton of patience It takes a ton of looking at myself taking my clothes off over and over again, watching the same clips over and over, making sure it looks good, flows together, and that the time of each clip makes sense. I have to walk away from it a lot of the time because I get so frustrated.

Then, I post previews, and the marketing begins. And it doesn’t end. I still market stuff I shot two years ago. If I keep something, the job related to said thing never ends. I don’t just throw up a preview, call it a day, and wait for the money to flow into my bank account. If I don’t keep updating, doing sales, reminding people my content exists, no one will buy it. Sometimes I’ll release a video, talk about it for a while, and then come back to it months later and start posting about it again, and get a ton of sales from people who just learned about me and didn’t even know about its existence. More than anything, sex work is about marketing and running your own business – but most of the time, without a business degree. I don’t know the first thing about business aside from what running this “business” has taught me, and yet I do it, and I’m good at it, and I make sales almost daily.

And it doesn’t end there, either. You have to be ready to answer the same thirty questions a day. To be patient with customers who don’t know how to read the page you’ve set up to tell them exactly what they need to do in order to receive your content. To deal with people who think you’re nothing but a lazy whore, and will tell you that over and over again, multiple times a day. It doesn’t matter how many people I put on Ignore on Tumblr, enough people exist in this world who think I’m a lazy whore that they will keep reminding me about it. You have to deal with people who don’t accept that the people in your life could be okay with it. Who will judge you, stigmatize you, and even criminalize you.

You also have to be original to be in this industry. There’s so many people doing the exact same thing, you have got to figure out what sets you apart. For me, it was being a metalhead and a cosplayer. Lots of guys are into my alternative style, and find it sexy. Lots of people find the fact I cosplay a turn-on. I am able to use these aspects of myself to create original content. Figure out what sets you apart, and utilize the hell out of it. Which goes into another aspect of the work behind sex work: you are your own creative director. You don’t have a team of people coming up with your latest, most original video idea yet. You have to do that on your own.

If sex work was easy, there’d be a lot more sex workers selling a lot more content. But the fact of the matter is: a lot of sex workers will quit the industry really fast because they’re surprised the money isn’t pouring in. I’ve witnessed it time and time again. If you think you can just take a quick masturbation video, not edit it, post about it once, and then sit back with a wine glass while people line up to pay for that one video by the thousands, you’re going to be in for a rude awakening.

Sex work is real work. Sex work is tough work. Sex work takes time, patience, and dedication. Sex work takes passion. And I put every fiber of my being into being the best as I can be, and it has paid off. Every day, I am getting new customers. My income for this year has more than doubled since last year. No one can tell me that that is because of anything other than hard work.

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January 3, 2015
SEX WORK BURNOUT: PART II

Eventually, I heard the word ‘burnout’ by other sex workers and it suddenly made perfect sense. I couldn’t cope with the intensity that came with being a sex worker, a student and a full-time worker in another job. It was strange because I was so used to overworking. My whole life I committed myself to two jobs, studying and my family. Burnout wasn’t a thing. It didn’t exist in my universe. I was unprepared for its paralysing and merciless grasp. Once I understood what it was, I could keep it under wraps. I needed to learn how to recognise the signs of a burnout before it fully wrenched my spirit from my body in a vise-like grip.

I have learnt to accept the burnout as a sort of workplace hazard and how to manage it. Like a creeping UTI, I can battle it before it reaches me. It’s up to every sex worker to learn what a burnout means to them and to prepare for it. It’s unwise to avoid it or pretend it doesn’t exist because it doesn’t avoid you. It can cripple you and will only be rid of you when it’s ready to. I’ve only had one other burnout to that severity and length ever since. The second one was worse, it took me a month and a half to recover and it engulfed me in almost exactly in the same manner. You’d think I’d have learnt from the first but hey, I fucked up anyway.

After this traumatic experience, I learnt that if I were to continue to live my life as a sex worker, I needed the support of my closest friends. Lying to your favourite people isn’t a nice feeling, even if it’s for the better. No matter if it’s the starkest white of white lies, it doesn’t feel too good. So one by one, I confessed my ‘secret’ to the people whom I needed the most. All those people are with me today and continue to love me, even if they worry from time to time. I’m fortunate like that.

One of the key things I have learn from that experience is that even though I can meet my sexual needs through my work, it will never be exactly to my liking. I’ve isolated the trigger to my burnouts as a lack of sexual satisfaction and that might sound ironic coming from a sex worker. The thing is, no matter how many clients I see, my focus is always on them. I am incapable of focusing exclusively on myself. Even if it’s the clients desire to pleasure only me, I’m always pushing myself to be pleasured by them to meet their needs rather than completely letting go. As someone who works with hourly intervals, I feel I must orgasm for my clients within that fixed period in order to do my job exceptionally. Before long, I figured that I need to have sex for myself, in a manner that works for me and since then, I’ve found someone to provide that for me. Much like a psychologist needs to see another psychologist because of the sheer volume of emotion they’re exposed to and the adverse ability this has to manifest, so it goes that I need a sexual partner to unload on. A husband wouldn’t ask his psychologist wife why she would seek a psychologist when she could just speak to him and it just so happens with me that my romantic life and my need for sexual care are not intertwined. The sex that I have for me is not intimate or entangled with emotions; it’s raw and explosive and catered especially for me. As for my love life … well, that’s a whole other story.

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December 16, 2014
SEX WORK BURNOUT: PART I

It can be difficult, as a sex worker, to talk about my bad experiences because it feeds platitudes so often attached to sex work. I almost feel like it’s unnecessary, when I do speak people respond unhelpfully, even the well-intentioned ones. Then I run the risk of my story being stolen, remodelled and used to attack my industry—which in turn contributes to the very stigma that catalysed these hardships. I speak to raise awareness, so people can hear an actual lived experience, for how can I expect the world to think differently of people like me when we remain silent and allow others to tell our stories? The silence is unbearable, anyone can scoop it up and mould it into a tragic story to their liking and they often do. Other times, I’m held culpable for placing myself in these circumstances, as though it’s my fault that anything bad happens simply because I choose to be a sex worker. As if it’s acceptable and to be expected. Being a sex worker shouldn’t mean I deserve to be treated any less human and to think otherwise means that you’re perpetrated to the stigma that hurts me and every other sex worker. If I was in any other industry and I spoke of a hapless time, I

wouldn’t be treated like that. So now I will recall upon a time I suffered my first burnout as a sex worker. It continues to haunt me to this day. The trauma from the burnout wasn’t due to the type of work I do; I’m comfortable with sex. It was a rather a case of doing too many things at once. Unfortunately, there is no ‘how to’ guide to sex work to prepare you for such events and even if there was, it wouldn’t be suitable for everyone. Sex is a subjective experience

I was 19 when my first burnout hit me and I had never had a burnout before. I didn’t even know what a burnout was. The closest thing I felt to a burnout was a meltdown. They felt catastrophic but were nothing compared to a burnout. I have periodic meltdowns nearly every 3 months and they are a necessity whereby I would sit down after every episode and re-evaluate my life, direction and reposition my perspective.

Meltdowns feel like I’m breathing in smoke, slowly suffocating, it’s a building anxiety really. It feels like a wraith is stalking me, prodding me, adding weight to my shoulders, whispering nonsense to my ear. And finally when I’ve had enough, I react inelegantly. And it’s during these meltdowns that I realise I have unwittingly relinquished what the wraith has sought for all along and taken possession of my control. Feeling plight and embarrassed for myself, I go on with my day as if nothing occurred and I hope no one ever brings it up.

The signs of a meltdown are clear cut for me. I get distracted easily. I turn into a smart ass. I get colds. I have headaches. I don’t have energy. I’m grumpy. People keep telling me I’m on my period. My feet feel heavy. My eyes strain. Everyone annoys me. I need to physically stop myself when these signs are apparent because they don’t stop themselves. During these times, I have a time out. I have a kit-kat. I get out of town. I read a book. I buy myself new tea. I stop pushing myself. I stop pushing others. I just hit the brakes as hard as I can until I’m ok again. The wraith eases away and I hold it at bay where it belongs. That’s where it stays, that it’s spot, out of my way.

When I had my first burnout, there was no wraith. As a matter of fact, that anxiety was nowhere to be seen. I think the wraith scattered off when a much fiercer force foreshadows me. Like a mouse that sees a human, I think it did the smart thing and ran in the opposite direction. Me being me, I was oblivious. I just did what I normally did: I worked. I’m a hard worker, with nearly everything, all the time. I’m more comfortable that way, being stressed out is almost therapeutic for someone of my character. It can be problematic because I induce my own meltdowns.

I’ll admit that there was tension before the burnout happened. I didn’t see it then but I see it now. All the tell-tale signs were there but my determination coupled with my stubbornness often meant I had a difficult time confessing to my vulnerability, even to myself. I still sometimes do.

At that time, I never refused a booking unless I didn’t have time and I only took breaks when I was physically exhausted or otherwise engaged. Besides, I could sneak in naps between lectures at university. I didn’t know that by handling so many things at once, I was diving head first into a hellhole. My physical body took the brunt of the burnout before my psychological self did. Like a tsunami, it overcame me. I remember fighting the creeping sniffles, the ache in my bones, the numbing headaches, my withering muscles. Normally, I could fight off anything, I was ‘superwoman’. But overnight, my body succumbed and no matter what I did, I could not muster the strength to rise from that bed. Control was relinquished and I was left alone. I’m not the kindest to my body and it does have a tendency to shut down if I ignore its pleas: partying, sleep deprivation, diet, any of these things or usually a combination. Throw stress into the mix and of course my body betrays me. I thought that I had just pushed myself too hard as usual. The physicality was just the beginning. Within a few days, the simple brain functions went offline. I stared at the ceiling in my bed, at the walls, my eyes glazed over, with very little sensation in my body. I was numb and silent and I could only hear the sound of my shallow breathing and my monotone heartbeat. While music usually helps reach to my heart, but even that had lost its touch. It felt like a heavy liquid was flowing, drip by drip, onto the centre of my forehead. I didn’t move and I didn’t think. I didn’t even sleep properly; I just drifted wish-washed through the layers of consciousness. I was so far gone into a dream like trance that I forgot that there were people who loved me and who cared for me. Eerily, it seemed as though time had stopped and I was transfixed in a reverie of absolute nothingness. I wasn’t in any physical pain, it just felt like my soul left my body and I was left to deal with a hollow version of myself. I don’t remember leaving my room for anything although I must have. I’m not even sure if I ate food. My radio silence had people worrying for my wellbeing. I lay in that bed for a week, with little stimulation, no human contact, no desire to do anything. When I eventually came to, I was confused by what I had experienced. I needed to catch up on proper sleep and eat real food. I went to my family home, curled up in my mother’s lap and asked for her love and nurture. A few days later, I went back to my own home with some basic functionality regained but I was still fairly lost. It took a further two weeks to find my mind and my heart. My brain wasn’t working. I could barely string sentences together. My body struggled to do the simple things like hold a cup of tea. I would walk into walls. I’d give up on walking and lay on the floor. I would stand in the shower and forget why I was there. I would try to read a book only to find myself reading the first line over and over again. All in all, it took a month of recovery.

Stay tuned to tomorrow for Estelle’s road to recovery from sex work burnout …

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December 15, 2014
Sometimes Sex Workers Want To Speak For Ourselves

Being friends with and/or supporting sex workers shouldn’t need a guide. It should be no different from being friends with a dentist or a firefighter. Unfortunately, however, the masses are generally uneducated on how to deal with their relationships with sex workers and therefore, often make mistakes that make us cringe. But, alas! I am here to bring you a useful guide, so that hopefully you will not make the same mistakes and understand that being part of our world will be no different than being friends with said dentist or firefighter.

The first mistake I often see people making is talking over me. “I’m friends with, or know someone who is, a sex worker, so listen to all my knowledge about it!” That’s never a good idea. It would be like someone crying for help because his heart wasn’t working right, and me walking up and saying, “Don’t worry, I know a doctor! I can help you!” I would not pretend to know about a profession I was not part of, yet sex workers are talked over constantly by people who have never lived a day in our shoes.

The next thing is: don’t ever out me. Now, I spend a lot of time talking about how I’m outted to everyone. I wear sex worker support shirts, stickers, tell people if they ask what I do for a living. “Yeah, I work at an arcade, and I also take nude photos and sexy videos.” That’s just me, and it certainly isn’t the majority of sex workers I know. Not even close. Nor does that mean I want my friends telling people I’m a sex worker before I do. It’s just rude. Don’t do it. Not only could you possibly be endangering your friend’s life, but you are once again speaking over us. Let us do the talking. We have voices, even if the media portrays us like we don’t.

Which brings me to my next point. I don’t want you to “save me.” I’m not friends with you, or acquaintances with you, or someone you reblog from Tumblr occasionally, so that you can try to “pull me out” of my career path. Attempting to convince me I can “have it better” is some of the most offensive commentary I receive. And I receive it a lot. I’ve had people told me that they’d be there for me when I realized it’s too emotionally draining being a sex worker.

Never have I once claimed it was, but they took it upon themselves to make that assumption about what I was doing. A person I’ve known for six years informed me that sex work would make me lose faith in love. Never have I once lost faith in love because of what I do. I’m happily in a supportive relationship and she must know that, because it’s right there on my Facebook. The assumption that I would have to develop a coping mechanism to do what I do is something pushed and pushed by the media. And while it may be true for some girls, (I have, after all, witnessed girls who get drunk every time they do their jobs just to be able to cope) assuming it’s true for all of us is a bit mind-boggling. I would never be able to do what a doctor does—to be able to tell people they’re going to die, to look at their insides, to have peoples’ lives in my hands—but do I create stereotypes for doctors due to my inability to even comprehend doing what they do? Of course I don’t.

The most important thing you can do, whether you’re close friends with a sex worker or you just follow them on a social media website, is communicate with them. Find out about us as individual sex workers. Spread awareness for sex worker rights. Support us, while giving us a voice. I am tired of being silenced, and it’s usually, sadly, by feminists, who think they can, as mentioned above, “save” me. As a feminist myself, it’s tormenting to see such stuff said about my profession constantly. And do any of them actually speak to us? Or stop talking over us for two seconds in order to get our take? Of course they don’t.

The most useful piece of advice you can take from this guide is: listen to us.

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December 3, 2014
Tips for new Sex Workers

You see a lot of “Advice for sex workers” posts that cover the basics of DOING sex work. Selling content, taking pictures, whatever. There are certain parts of the job I never see anyone talk about. I live by the rule that everyone should have to figure out certain things by themselves as I truly believe that you cannot develop as an individual if you don’t forge your own path without other models spoon feeding you their experiences. Some of the below tips are things I learned on my own, things that I’ve seen some models never learn.

1. Don’t be so trusting.

I know what you’re thinking; “But Ryden! He offered me $1000 and all I have to do is shave my head on cam first!” (This is not a lie, by the way. There was, in fact, a man going through the SW circuit conning women into shaving their heads on cam and not paying them afterwards.) You do not, under ANY circumstances, work before getting paid. Think about it for a second. You can’t go to the store, grab your groceries, and then say “oh, yeah, I can’t pay you guys for these delicious groceries until tomorrow! You can trust me!” Our work is no different. You cannot let the money seduce you. You’ve gotta keep a clear head. If your customer offers to pay you afterward, just say something along the lines of “I would feel much more comfortable if you paid me first.” If they’re actually interested in the content, they’ll be understanding and either pay you first or request that they cam/buy/whatever when they have money. That is what a respectful customer would do. If they can’t respect that, they probably didn’t have the best intentions anyway.

2. Be nice, but know when to stick up for yourself.

Let me tell you a little story. When I first started out, I had a really bad attitude. I was very rude to people who were just genuinely curious and didn’t know any better. I also did a lot of body shaming and said some pretty hateful things regarding other women and other models. I lost a lot of sales and dedicated customers because of this, and it’s really not cool. Many models, like I did, believe that this will show people that they are strong and will not take shit. This is not the case. It’s more likely that people will see you as intimidating and threatening (of course, this is partially acceptable for models working in certain outlets such as Dommes, but it just doesn’t work otherwise.) HOWEVER, this does not mean that you should not stick up for yourself at every given chance. If someone challenges your beliefs, you drag them right into the ground. Never EVER ignore your own personal beliefs and values to come off as nice and sweet. This is when you come off as a strong, independent babe that won’t take shit from anyone. There are times to be kind and there are times when complacency just won’t do. Know where the line is.

3. Treat other models as you’d want them to treat you.

We work in an industry that has enough stigma attached to it to cover the entirety of Canada. Seriously. We’re whores. We’re on drugs. We’re bitches. We’re poor. We’re rich. We’re lazy. We’re work-obsessed. We’re greedy. Anything you can think of. The absolute very last thing we need to do is put each other down. Sex work isn’t a ladder that you climb and step on other women as you attempt to reach the top. We all have to co-exist, even help and support each other. For the most part, none of us conform to that stigma. However, when you treat other models like crap in order to make yourself look better or be “funny”, you make us all look bad. You actively damage sex work as a whole.

4. Put your health, both mental and physical, first.

I cannot stress this point enough. I know how easy it is to get caught up in the job and let yourself get stressed. Sex work is a high-stress job, and we receive more hate than any other work force I’ve seen. Sometimes, you’ve just got to say “Is this important enough for me to stress myself out over?” The answer to that question is always no. No job is important enough to throw your mental and physical health out the window. When you feel like it gets to be a little too much, do NOT hesitate to take a day off. Run yourself a bath, read your favorite book, go on a walk, or just stay in bed and watch Netflix. You are more important and your customer base will know that and will understand. If the stress is enough where you think you can’t do the job anymore, and feel that maybe it’s time to quit, don’t feel badly if you decide to. For many, sex work isn’t a permanent job. Sometimes, you just have to know when it isn’t right for you anymore, especially when it’s affecting your health.

While a lot of us sex workers, especially those of us on social networking, may seem intimidating, we’re all really nice and mostly willing to help (assuming you’re not asking for us to hold your hand and give you the easy way out). This stuff is never easy and you can really feel helpless sometimes. As long as you follow these, do your research, and go with your gut instinct; you’ll be just fine.”

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November 25, 2014
Four Points to Consider Before Joining the Sex Work Industry

As an amateur porn model who has been very active on social media over the past 3 years, I cannot tell you how many young women (and some men) have come to me, asking me how they can become as successful as me. Of course, I just kind of laugh at their idea of successful, but hey, I’ll take flattery where I can get it. This is actually not uncommon in our little independent circuit. Girls see the job and glamourize it to hell and back. I’m here to straighten some things out and educate on some of the things that you should know before hopping into this career. Consider me your weird, rainbow haired, porn model auntie! I’m here to help!

1. Reconsider

I know what you’re thinking. “But Ryden! I’m so sure of this!” No. No, you’re not. If you were, you wouldn’t be asking me. You have every reason to be unsure. It can be a scary leap, and it could very well change your life. Newbies have this ideal thought that they’re either going to be able to keep it under wraps from everyone or the people they tell are going to be loving and accepting. Unfortunately, that’s not really the case. You never know who might find you through your work and recognize you, and you never know how they’ll react. Not everyone is accepting of porn, and some people genuinely want to do harm to us. I’m a really lucky lady. I have parents, friends, and a fiancé who accept what I do for a living and love me regardless. That being said, I have received some negative reactions. I’ve had people get in my face, hit me, push me, spit on me. You name it. I’ve been under the big blame umbrella for every single one of these just because I have chosen a job that most people wouldn’t do. A lot of the popular models you see every day are estranged from their families and friends. Not everyone can be our biggest fans, and some people would rather hate us than support us. This is one of the burdens that we carry.

I also have a lot of women who come to me and ask me if they should become a SW (sex worker) if they also want to be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher. I always say no, unless you’re willing to risk that dream never coming true. As much as I hate to say it (and trust me, I REALLY HATE TO SAY IT) we don’t live in a 100% sex positive world. If you’re outed and SW shows up on a google search, they might not even consider you. Sometimes, identities get leaked. It doesn’t happen often, but it happens. If you’re not willing to risk your dream just for a few months/years of fun and liberating sex work, this isn’t the job for you.

2. It ain’t easy

With all of these incredible, awesome, absolutely lovely SWs gaining huge popularity in social media (specifically tumblr and twitter), it’s easy to see why some of you automatically assume that SW is an easy job. We’re put in the spotlight and it’s really obvious that we’ve got a lot of people who seem to worship us. The truth of the matter is; each and every one of us have clawed our way to the top. It’s hard to get the attention needed to show people “Hey boys! Look at me! I’m a stinkin cutie with a pink pixie cut!” It took me 3 years to get my footing. I still work my butt off every day, kind of literally. If you’re jumping into this work force because you’re money hungry and you think it’ll be easy, I want you to do something for me. Shut your computer (or lock your phone). Just stop. This ain’t for you. No work is easy, and SW rewards people who are hardworking, business savvy, and unique. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that sex work ain’t easy and sex workers ain’t lazy, but some of your girls who are leeching off the popular girls are starting to seem like you are.

3. Be yourself

By that, I mean, be the person YOU want to be. Whether it’s a reflection of your true self, or a persona that you want to be. You’ve just gotta be unique. This is something you should strive to do regardless, but I cannot tell you how valuable it is in the industry. Imagine that you’re in a huge crowd of women that are generally blurred together. A lot of them look the same, and it’s really hard to pick the unique ones out of the crowd with so many of the same girls running around. You’re trying to fight your way to the front lines to show everyone on the outside that you’re not blurred with the rest of them. Some ladies come into this with nothing to separate them from every other babe sitting in front of a live webcam, diddling themselves and hoping that someone will tip big. Those are the ladies that don’t see much money because they’ve done nothing to distinguish themselves from everyone else. Me? I kind of got popular on accident for being the “manic pixie dream girl” slash “nerdy babe” girl.

DO NOT rip off someone else’s look in order to achieve your “unique ideal.” It sucks and it makes you look like a jerk. Being unique is noooooot stealing someone else’s unique styling and making it your own. Taking inspiration is fine (and this works with just about anything you do) but straight ripping off a look/idea/whatever isn’t cool and will NOT get you ANYWHERE in the industry. I cannot tell you how many wannabes I’ve seen cut all their hair off, get a triforce tattoo, and start selling the exaaaaact same content as me. Just don’t do it.

4. Do it for the right reasons

I’ve watched this industry chew people up, and spit them out. Drained, tired, and sexually changed forever; these people just weren’t right for it. Sex work isn’t for everyone. This is a harsh reality that many SWs will not face. You’ve gotta have a love for sex. Like, a deep love for sex. You’ve also gotta understand that there’s nothing wrong with being sexually open, out there, and possibly on display. It’s a really empowering feeling, but only if you allow it to be. You have to look at the pictures and the videos and say “Hell yeah, look how sexy I am!” You’ve gotta stick to that positivity. Don’t ever let it chew you up. Hell, don’t even let it put you in its mouth. Love sex. Love everything you do, even if it isn’t ideal for you sexually. Find the fun in your work, or else you’ll end up in tears. Hating the job, hating yourself; don’t let it get to you.

In closing, I want to say that most of the stuff I’ve stated above probably sounds WAY more frightening than I intended it to, but being truthful and upfront about these facts are the only way to get the point across that sex work is serious business (or, at least, most of the time. I can recall a few times during my cam girl days where I became the almighty dildo unicorn.) Myself, and pretty much any other SW I’ve ever met, love nothing more than seeing other babes being sex-positive and unique in this industry. No one likes to see ladies fail, but that’s just where some of them end up.

Most of all; be smart, be unique, be kind, and love yourself. That’s the best you can do.

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September 8, 2014
Are YOU Getting It?

Spilling the Beans from Inside the Sex Industry

I am going to say something controversial. Brace yourself. Before you brace yourself, allow me to introduce myself—I’m Matt Chase, my work name is Matt-at-Lotus. I am a sex worker (although I prefer to be called a ‘sexpert’, go on, please …) who gets paid to have sex with mainly men but this sometimes depends on, you know, wind direction and the like (wink wink). I’m also a writer and trained in therapeutic interventions including counselling and psychotherapy. Now, are you bracing?

Sex workers get paid to make love to their clients.

I told you I was going to say something controversial.

You see, I believe that you can make love on a one night stand. I also believe that you can pay for a lovemaking session and yes, I believe passionately that you can be paid to make love to someone. The thing about me is that I genuinely enjoy my job. As with all professions, some workers will just go through the motions for money and others will be doing the job of their dreams. I am doing the job of my dreams. Why? I am a man who gets paid to do what he loves to do—make love, teach guys how to have body orgasms (yes guys it is possible, call me), have sex (it’s slightly different from making love), massage sexually, share a laugh, have some fun, give some compassion and be a shoulder to lean on—everything I was born to do.

I have always been very highly sexed. I was born with an innate gift of empathy and I have always had a knack of knowing just what another wants and needs between the sheets (or on the floor, up against the wall … you get the idea). Sex workers, it seems to me, get a bum deal (pun intended) when it comes to exactly what the world at large thinks we get up to.

Actually, they have no idea.

Once upon a Christmas, I was at an ‘office party’—a gathering of sex workers at the annual party thrown by the guy who runs a well-known Escort Listings site—and the conversation of course, moved onto our work. “I always find the real session starts after the sex, that’s when I become the client’s therapist” … “I love the elderly clients who have only just found the courage to accept themselves as gay” … “My disabled client last week told me an escort had turned him away! That’s so unprofessional” … “I love being an escort, there’s no job like it” … and the comments continued rolling from my colleagues’ tongues as I proceeded to make mental notes, you know, being a writer and all.

The thing is, I have a confession to make. The Christmas party as mentioned was going to be my ‘goodbye and farewell’ to the industry as I prepared to concentrate on my ‘other’ lives of writing and doing odd jobs but then something happened. I fell in love all over again.

I fell in love with my colleagues; the most professional, respectful and genuine people you are ever likely to meet. I fell in love with my job; a job that has never bored me, has always been safer than my other jobs (I was attacked with a knife when I was a nurse, bullied by my boss as a therapist, I could go on …) and yes I have to admit, pays very nicely thank you. I fell in love with my rebellious nature for you have to have balls to do this job and stand tall in a world where all sex workers are tarred with the same stigmatised brush. I remember once when the trainer in the gym asked me what I did for a living. “I’m a sex worker”, I replied. The poor man almost fell off the treadmill.

What is it about sex that makes us so shy? Is it the sex? Or is it the intimacy? I say it again. Sex workers get paid to make love to their clients. Is it the make love bit that makes us so uncomfortable?

I can feel a cause coming on. I can sense a heat burning from within and no, it isn’t a bladder infection. It’s rage—passionate, soulful, society-changing rage. Why?

Because ‘they’ are trying to change the law.

The ‘powers’ from within the corridors of representation (yes people, we elect them to represent us) are attempting to manipulate the system in order to criminalise men and women who pay for sex.

So I say it again. Sex workers make love to their clients.

Oh there’s nothing wrong with sex, don’t get me wrong and yes I do see very clearly that I do work a little differently than most sex workers, but I am deliberately pushing a point here. You cannot legislate against human emotion. You cannot do it. You also cannot legislate in order to control other people according to your own inhibitions. Society as a whole should not be given the power to stigmatise an entire profession on the basis of how they appear to be. Hence, the reason as to why I have written this article that shows you how it really is for me and my colleagues.

Yes, there are many different aspects of prostitution and yes, there are serious issues such as exploitation, trafficking, drug use, among others that need addressing but there are already laws put in place to protect people from this (if it isn’t their choice) and there exist laws intended to protect children and vulnerable adults but they are not working. Introducing new laws—which equally will not work—has been challenged by academics, liberty groups and sex workers but their arguments are falling on deaf ears. A knee-jerk reaction by out-of-date governments is not the answer. It never was.

If you do what you always did, you get what you always got. Find another way. If you would like some help in finding another way, why not ask a professional sex worker for some advice? Because we probably know more than you do. No offence intended, but let’s get to the root of the problem here: ignorance.

I do the job I do because I am good at it. I am not female. I am not trafficked. I wasn’t abused as a child and I don’t use drugs. Well, apart from too much coffee but you gotta give me something …

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June 12, 2014