Tag: BDSM

Real life play

For most people, none of this makes any sense of course, least of all my sense of jadedness. The average male thinks about sex constantly and can’t help it so how can one imagine too much of a good thing? In this case it is perhaps better to let go of the meanings, interpretation and sub-text and consider the individual experience. My experience can constitute a kind of case study, more anecdotal than verified and statistical.

Simply due to the sheer volume of meeting so many models I have ended up in various relationships with some—usually those who identify themselves as sexually submissive in some form (with switches and other anomalies thrown in). Some ask for things to be done to them and use the cliché of “domming from the bottom” while others crave direction. In fact, one girl I knew received some form of gratification whenever I told her what to do. I didn’t abuse her or anything, but I did make her get on her knees and crawl to me before opening my pants and getting some oral from her. To me, some reciprocity is usually in order though and either I would finger her afterwards or restrain and gag her whilst subjecting her to a vibrator until she came over and over again. These types of encounters vary though in terms of who my partner in crime is. Some want a new experience in which I create for them and others prefer to replicate things they’ve done before.

Another model “play partner” had an ex-boyfriend who liked to have intercourse with her when she was “sleeping” and she would mumble her approval whenever he started to interact with her. This became a fetish for her (yes women have fetishes as well!) and something we had a good time with. She also liked being bound spread-eagle, mouth tapegagged and naked as an “intruder” engaged her. The variations of what women into edgy play want are too varied to list so I will only relate the most memorable and/or unusual. There was a particular girl who liked simple handcuffs or me pushing her arms behind her back and then me “taking” her whilst covering her mouth with my hand, usually up against a wall. Another peculiar yet fun model was aroused by almost anything her partner was! This would probably constitute a dream girl for the more superficial aficionados out there and her being a beautiful porn star will likely make many people wonder why I ever let her go?

Herein lies the mental and emotional issues that coexist within bondage dominant-submissive relations. Unlike many, I have never been a 24-7 player. In fact for me once the bedroom activity is over I revert to “normal” mode and treat my partner as an equal in very way. Of course, I might break this normalcy (or she might!) by engaging in some act later. This reminds me of another fun partner who would always respond to any prolonged physical contact and rub up against me with her ass and run her hands over my crotch. She was fun when we were playing, but we were not compatible simply because she wanted a constant state of what I view as play. In other words, she wanted to be the complete sub and have me decide things for her, have her cook and clean and simply be a kind of slave or human furniture (her words, not mine!). There have been a few women like this I’ve met and most are strangely enough not products of abuse (that or they’re lying about their pasts), but rather revel in how turned on they feel when they are “objects” of intense desire. Thus, I would put tape over the mouth of this particular partner and she would submissively bow her head, but I couldn’t take this all the time. I’ve always wanted the best of both worlds I suppose. Not easy when you work with so many different women all the time and it is hard on relationships.

Regardless of my own life’s journey, many lifestyle players have many different ways of interacting and meeting now. In terms of social networking and the general public, many “vanilla” girls think they look cute with tape over their mouths and will tweet or post images on websites like Instagram and tumblr and relish the feedback from viewers. Now with the popularization of the submissive female largely derived from 50 Shades of Grey, a wider group of potential participants has emerged. Some use adult dating sites and interact with each other within the confines of dominant and submissive (or switch) roles. It would seem that I am truly not alone in my peculiar interests, which is both comforting and disconcerting to me. A moment of epiphany tells me that physical contact transcends the trappings and sexual rituals we develop and thus relates to us all as human beings.

Still there is room for dysfunction here for some as well. The female “roles” are not rigid since they are individuals and often transcend archetypes or even generalizations. Some hate that they enjoy this sort of thing (submission) because it contradicts so much of what they believe as sane feminists (simply those who believe women have the same rights of self-determination as men) or egalitarians and even female supremacists (some dominatrixes may feel that women are the superior sex for a host of reasons). This self-loathing has deeper psychological attributes as one former dominatrix told me that she has enjoyed having male “slaves” serve her, but also routinely fantasizes about a different sort of man (a male dominant) abducting her and then putting her in bondage before engaging in more intimate relations. She has acted this out in many occasions and hates herself for loving and needing it.

The most educated and “strong” (a word that implies pride, a trait I’ve found to be useless as it is self-confidence that is more crucial when trying to achieve anything in life) females, like some of their male counterparts, may seek “release” from their roles as managers or bosses. The male executive submitting to the dominatrix is a common enough trope in the mass media, but it turns out that women in positions of “power” or authority can also sometimes crave downtime as submissives to male dominants (or female doms). The further one delves into the world of the female in bondage, the more complex a picture emerges that transcends parsimony and conveys a highly complex world. The psychological is key to understanding why people choose to participate in roleplaying bondage that entails, at its root, a sexual basis. For some it’s an acquired taste that is reinforced and evolves through practice and repetition. For others it’s something they feel has always been of interest to them for inexplicable reasons even at a very young age. And still others are survivors of abuse who have, for good or ill, come to identify certain things they’ve experienced as pleasurable when done willing with a partner they approve of. I myself have had bondage fantasies since I was very young and can’t quite attribute it to anything other than an impulse that emerged over time. My particular interests/fetishes are less about wanting to exert confinement and control and more about how the bondage subject looks and feels when touched in various ways. In short, it’s an aesthetic and sensual thing with me and “power exchange” simply doesn’t occur to me. With that said some control issues are bound to emerge simply due to me being a creature of habit like all of humanity.

Concluding remarks and observations

Ultimately, as a producer I do wonder if I’m doing more harm than good. I have a conscience and I’ve tried hard not to be delusional and imagine what I do as “normal.” Everything being so staged and using some well-known adult talent makes it all seem very routine I imagine, but for many people this is dark and twisted territory. My hope is always that people aren’t inspired to commit acts of violence towards women (or anyone really), ever. Now as far as what consenting adults do, I have very few reservations there. Even the most strange and bizarre behavior is hard to criticize if the participants are fully aware and know what they’re doing. The videos I produce are ultimately meant for those looking for fantasy and an outlet (many customers of mine are married and/or have normal relationships for example) that keeps them satisfied and mentally stable. There are some who (appear to be) a bit more unstable of course, but I have no idea if it’s just internet bravado (the rather consistent confrontational behavior people take on due to anonymity on the internet that is usually different from how they would behave in real life) or the ravings of the criminally insane. Most of my customers appear to be quite sane functioning men (with a very tiny group of women, usually lesbians) who have fantasies and simply want a means of satisfying themselves (or watching videos during relations with a partner).

I have no way or knowing, short of conducting a massive survey in order to assess, what impact these types of fetish practices and fantasies have on society. Is this healthy or are fantasies inherently bad for the psyche as it allows illusion to replace real intimate relations? Hard to say. Perhaps it’s only about attaining the physical satisfaction of an orgasm ultimately. Noted sex researcher Dr Alfred Kinsey (subject of the Liam Neeson vehicle Kinsey) likened the orgasm to something as disparate as sneezing, an impulse of sorts that culminates in the convergence of numerous nerves during climax. Many bondage enthusiasts can get aroused simply at the sight of a female in bondage and the linkage to serotonin, dopamine and other aspects of biology and the human brain are still not quite fully known. Achieving orgasm is not unlike the pleasurable experience some get from drug use after-all. Ultimately, no matter how it comes, people crave an orgasm thanks to our bodies which betray us no matter how hard we try to resist.

For those who need bondage to play a role in achieving sexual gratification, the real issue isn’t that they require this to feel pleasure. People are into many different things, positions and so forth. What’s important to remember is that the “object” of your admiration is a person and empathy should not be jettisoned simply because the female play partner is submissive and restrained. There’s a measure of responsibility I have when creating bondage videos (and when “playing” in my personal life) and that is the safety and consent of the model/submissive. Keeping this in mind should make this significantly more palatable, but really in a free society it doesn’t matter if you don’t like something other people do. For those who view women in bondage as an expression of misogyny, they may need to reconsider and factor in the concept of roleplaying and consensual foreplay that defies the outward appearance of hate. Some lifestyle players do have “issues” while some prefer “traditional” roles of men in-charge and women as subordinate. Not my intention to pass judgment on why people think what they think so much as to elucidate to those who may in some way be fascinated with all of this. Talk to enough people about why they’re turned on by women in bondage and you’ll receive a vast array of responses, rationalizations and justifications for this “deviant” fetish. As for me, I have no religious moral compass I use, but rather I am in tune with the understanding of the “other” as a real person. In short, my morality stems from empathy, rule of law and seeking out willing participants. What goes through our heads while we play things out is only relevant to ourselves as individuals. The allure of women in bondage is for me personally about gratification and how other people see all of this is something I can’t control, but can try to explain.

Image courtesy of Johnny D
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