Category: Lifestyle

Hey Honey, Let’s Talk About Porn.

As has been discussed before on this site, a lot of people watch porn. Specifically, a lot of people watch porn by themselves. Porn consumption is generally a private practice, one that is not usually discussed with other people—even (or maybe especially not with) our significant others.

Searching online, you will find a lot of commentary from relationship experts arguing about whether the use of pornography is good or bad for a relationship. Some argue that it can create distrust and insecurity in a relationship while others suggest that it can help build intimacy and “spice up” a couple’s sex life. I would argue that whatever your personal porn habits are, it is worthwhile to have an open, honest conversation about it with your partner (or partners) as a way to communicate your fantasies and curiosities as well as your concerns and insecurities.

One commonly held belief that often causes discord in couples concerning porn is that “what my partner watches in porn is what they want in real life.” This is absolutely not the case. Sure, a person may see something in porn that they want to try or they may search for something that they fantasize about doing in real life, but just because they are sexually aroused by an image or scene does not mean they desire to act it out. For example, some straight women like to watch lesbian porn but have little or no desire to be with a woman in real life. Similarly, straight men may watch gay male fellatio porn but have no desire to re-enact that situation. This is difficult for people (especially partners of the person watching the porn) to accept or understand. But sexual arousal is complex and what we fantasize about, what we masturbate to, and what we desire in real life with a partner are often different.

Many people who have had only limited exposure to porn tend to think that all of it features unrealistic acts or exaggerated bodies with silicone and fake tans galore. And while there is a ton of that out there, a lot of porn produced today features different body types, ethnicities, ages, genders, and pairings of sexual partners. There has also been a huge rise in “amateur porn”, or porn that is uploaded to the Internet by “regular people” who look like you and me. In fact, Cindy Gallop, an entrepreneur, consultant and speaker, created a website called MakeLoveNotPorn.com that hosts amateur porn video submissions. This is a great resource for individuals and couples who may find the aforementioned “traditional porn” intimidating or unappealing. Additionally, this new era of porn does not only feature man/woman, woman/woman, and man/man run-of-the-mill sex. Fetish sites and speciality porn are also accessible by searching for literally any type of porn you can think of in Google search. The Center for Sexual Health and Pleasure’s website where Clinical Sexologist and AASECT certified Sexuality Educator Megan Andelloux answers the question, “Where Do I Find Ethical Porn?” is another avenue for finding particular sites and to learn about how to search for “ethically-made porn,” or porn that is made, produced, and marketed with transparency of who benefits from any revenue that results in its distribution and which employs willing, informed performers who are treated ethically (definitions of “ethical porn” vary, but this is my understanding of what it should entail).

All of that said, pornography use does not interest everyone. Some people are adamantly against it; whether because of the traditionally misogynistic practices and content of some parts of the industry or their own moral beliefs regarding sex and masturbation, and some people prefer other methods of sexual stimulation. In the context of a relationship, it is important to respect your partner’s preference and maintain an open dialogue with compromise and negotiation when needed. The necessary step is to have the conversation.

Some people would like to watch porn with their partner, but are nervous to bring it up. Some prefer to keep their porn-watching a solo activity, but might be curious about what their partner is watching. Either way, having an open, honest conversation about porn is not easy for many people. It requires being vulnerable and open to judgement by discussing and admitting to certain sexual turn-ons and practices that may have not come up before in the relationship. For example, in a male-female relationship, the female might assume her male partner has watched or currently watches porn because it is generally accepted that men watch porn, but may be nervous to talk about her own porn habits for fear of how she might be viewed. The male partner might be interested in watching porn with his female partner, but doesn’t want her to think he prefers porn to having sex with her and so avoids the conversation all together. There is a common belief that women do not like or watch porn and men who watch porn are sexually unsatisfied or have some kind of addiction. This is why it is important to initiate a conversation with honesty, but to also remain curious and non-judgemental so each partner can feel more comfortable disclosing the truth about their porn habits. While the first couple of conversations might feel awkward, embracing the topic can lead to better understanding and increased intimacy. Once these conversations become more comfortable, a couple may decide they want to watch porn together, which, for some couples, can open up a new and exciting avenue for intimacy and sexual exploration.

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Images courtesy of Shutterstock

Do not miss another article on SimplySxy! Follow us on Facebook and Twitter for our latest updates!

May 12, 2014
Lesbian Porn vs. Gay Porn

Lesbian porn and gay porn: At first glance, seemed to look like different sides of the same coin. However, it is very difficult to place them into the proverbial box.

Firstly, lesbian porn is not designed for lesbians. It is designed in the imagery of the heterosexual male’s fantasy. Most sexual positions that are seen in these movies are targeted to arouse men. Take for example the scissors position; it is a very awkward position for women to have their legs and groin in such a pose. It is a pose that takes a lot of effort but with very little returns. However, there is no doubt that the pose is visually stunning on camera.

Heterosexual men do not have a clear understand on how orgasm in women occurs. Many still have the perception that orgasm only occurs when penetration happens. This is not true. Dr. William Masters, a pioneer in the nature of human sexual response published a paper on this topic in 1966. Dr. Masters found that a clitoral orgasm shows the same sexual response as a vaginal orgasm. If such information has been around for decades, why then is our society still clueless when it comes to matters in bed?

On the other side of the coin, anal sex or any form of male submission in gay porn is a turn off for heterosexual men. Most straight people have the notion that anal sex is the main sexual satisfaction that gay men are looking for. However, not all gay men want anal sex. There are many gay men that choose to abstain from anal sex but yet have very healthy sexual relationships with their partners. Penetration is not the only way to receive emotional and sexual satisfaction. Like any relationship, one must take the time to find out what sexually stimulates your partner.

Gay porn is very much interwoven in a gay man’s life; much like heterosexual porn to straight men. Most porn stars have become a household name. If you mention names like Peter Fever and Johnny Rapid, you will definitely strike a chord with a gay man. Last year, there was a great loss in the gay porn industry as well as in the gay community. Koh Masaki, a famous gay porn star died at the age of 29. His death was sudden and tragic. Koh Masaki has starred in over a hundred gay porn films and is known for his good looks, masculinity and passion on scene. He brought joy and comfort to many gay men. Upon his death, millions all of around the world went into mourning together with his partner and his family.

Porn has many sides and many faces. It has different meanings to different people. Porn is also a heightened version of society’s sexual needs. However, the lack of dialog for such taboo conversations prevents us from having a deeper understanding of the complexity of the human sexual experience. If such open dialog takes place, it can help many understand that homosexual porn is far too dynamic to be stereotyped as different sides of the same coin.

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Images courtesy of Shutterstock

May 8, 2014
Feminist Porn: Orgasmic, Honest and Empowering!

Pornography is one of those hot-button issues (like abortion or same-sex marriage) that many people are markedly divided on: you’re either pro or anti-porn. This division is largely influenced by feminism and women’s movements (which men can be a part of too!) which proclaim that mainstream porn is produced by men, for men, which leads to the objectification and (non-consensual) humiliation of women. However there is hope; there is feminist porn!

Unfortunately, the proclamation about mainstream porn being objectifying and demeaning of women is pretty accurate. Watch any heterosexual porn; it is easy to see that the woman’s sexual needs and pleasure are not a priority. The “male gaze” of the camera portrays women as objects because the camera largely focuses on the women’s body parts (her breasts or vagina), instead as a whole. For those of you who are unsure, this is a prime example of objectification; depicting a woman as disjointed body parts, not as a person. She is not seen as a sexual being with her own sexual needs. Even lesbian mainstream porn is created for men’s pleasure and still is not focused on female desire or showing women as whole women. The viewer primarily only sees fingers going into vaginas or tongues licking clits—not good!

Don’t worry, feminist porn is here to save the female orgasm … I mean day! What is feminist porn you ask? Feminist porn is made by feminists (mostly women, but that’s not always the case) and attempts to give the audience what mainstream porn doesn’t—real people sometimes of different gender identities and sizes having real sex. Feminist porn likes to show real foreplay, real sex, and real orgasms. The viewer can see the individuals and partners not just as a vagina or a penis but as a person with different sexual desires or kinks.

How do feminist porn directors and producers show the audience real and not produced or forced sexuality? Well for starters, feminist pornographers are usually advocates of better wages and conditions for actors and actresses. Makes sense right? Better conditions to have sex, more freedom to voice concerns about the scene (i.e. wanting to wear a condom) and higher pay would make any employee feel better about their job and probably increase morale and productivity too.

In addition, feminist porn loves to showcase different kinds of actors and actresses. It can be difficult to find trans, gender fluid, gender bending or queer actors in mainstream porn, but there are plenty of queer folks in feminist porn who love to have sexy fun too. Mainstream porn can seem limited with the actors they showcase; they are mostly White, able-bodied individuals and often straight-identifying people play gay, lesbian or bi-roles. In feminist porn there are queer-identifying people playing queer-identified roles, which also adds to the authenticity of the porn.

Feminist porn also likes to bring gender and social issues to center stage in some of the filming by highlighting disability, gender and/or sex roles. Having actors who have disabilities, androgynous (having masculine and feminine characteristics) or show actors in non-traditional power roles (like having a woman cum on a man) can push the cultural norms of what it means to be beautiful, powerful or sexually active.

Don’t be mistaken, feminist porn is not just for women or activists or queer people though. Feminist porn has a wide range of genres with an even wider range of actors to play in the scenes. There are sensual scenes like mutual masturbation between a woman and her male partner to an orgy scene with five men and women using gadgets such as ball-gags and crops while playing. There’s definitely something that would tickle almost anyone’s fancy.

This is just a glimpse into what feminist porn has to offer. Feminist porn wants to expand the audience’s ideas about desire, sexuality, beauty, gender, and power through revolutionary film-making with happy, consenting and sometimes gender bending actors. It’s all about empowerment both for the actors and producers, as well as for the audience. To watch some awesome feminist porn, check out the following links:

Gooddykeporn.com
Indiepornrevolution.com
Brightdesire.com

Images courtesy of Shutterstock

In tomorrow’s special, we speak to Mike Kulich, founder and chairman of adult entertainment company Monarchy Distribution.

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May 4, 2014
Seoul Fashion Week (Part 2) – Naked Titties

I scan the crowed room and I think to myself: This is it.

The girl sitting next to me gives me a smile; A punk Asian debutante, “Nice.”

I feel welcomed instantly.

She’s wearing plaid-yellow pants, multiple chokers, and a complicated updo. She’s outgoing. The word on the street is that she writes for Seoul magazine. There is another woman behind me who writes for Women’s Wear Daily, and somewhere in the crowd is an older, chic, white woman. I spot her twice. Someone tells me she’s frequented Paris Fashion Week with Rihanna. I’m going to assume that she’s a big wig.

It looks like I’m in good company.

The lights dim and I prepare for my first fashion show. As I sit in anticipation, I think of sex. I usually do. I dig a little deeper and ask myself: What does the modern Korean consider sexy? What will it take to push Korea into naughtier territory? Will harry potter glasses, tennis shoes, and baby doll dresses reign supreme forever, is what I’m asking??

These questions need answers. And as a fake Korean citizen, I demand something sexier for my palate. So bring it on.

Seoul Fashion Week, WOW me.

It’s 13:00 and CANEZOU pops my cherry.

The show opens up with a young girl strutting in ornate victorian garb. She’s holding a dolly. It’s whimsical and sweet and definitely unexpected. The collection reveals itself and …

“What the f***?!”

Um …

Homegirl brings out spandex dresses, neon pink clubwear, and zebra print-trench coats. I’m new to this, but even I can identify a what the f*** moment. As in, What the f*** is going on; Why the f*** am I here?; Does she know where the f*** she is??

Aw, I am so sad.

And yes, it is sexy but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. To get analytical, It’s reminiscent of Westernized club wear circa 1998. CANEZOU is not the most wearable but it tells a story: Every little girl lives in a fantasy land and then grows into a sexier version of themselves. The club wear is jarring, but it is the interpretation of sexiness as seen through the eyes of a little girl.

Got it.

The fall line is hideous; almost laughable, but I also think Bomin Kim (the creator) is brilliant. She pulled a Warhol on us! Kim takes something terrifying and declares it high art. Who do you know that can tell their story using a tacky clothing, but re-mix it into haute couture?

I don’t know many.

Very, very well done, Kim.

About two hours later I find myself at pushButton, a brand that far surpasses the small fish. It’s blatant commercial appeal, allows for a smooth transition into a world of androgyny.

I love it: Boys that look like girls, who look like boys.

Currently, South Korea’s unisex fashions are framed around a masculine aesthetic. Cute, but not daring nor sexy. Nobody looks sexy wearing oversized everything.

pushButton uses feminity as its core delivery for both men and women.

And it works, the men look extremely feminine, while the women appear more dominant and strong. The look: Cat eyed sunglasses, furry sweaters and power suits for all. The gender-bending playfulness translates into naughty sexuality. It’s been decided: PushButton’s 2014 fall line is disgustingly perfect.

The final designer I witness, after an arduous day of fashions, is Jineteok.

Jineteok doesn’t just push the envelope. Her fall collection takes the envelope, stomps it to the ground, and shits on it. I guess she doesn’t like boxes. Oh, and the titties. Bare titties.

As a Westerner, I am quite pleased and … turned on. The fall 2014 line is comprised of victorian trench coats, polka dots, A- line dresses, and lots of textures for fall. That’s boring though. Nobody’s here for that. We want sex!

The mood shifts with unapologetic nudity; Jineteok is the first designer I see who plays with sheer T-shirts and dresses, all of which leave nothing to the imagination.

Many of her garments are sleeveless, and are a far departure from the aegyo- a traditionally tame and childlike fashion. Her shit was sexy, though! Who knew it would take an older Korean woman to show us the way. I’m inspired, impressed, and a little horny. Like a pizza, Seoul Fashion Week was multi-layered. You can even say it was a microcosm of Korea. There was victorian for the whimsical, unisex-minimalist for trendy, salacious club wear for the slutty, and chic nudity for the sophisicated.

There’s always something for everybody.

Overall, a game well played, Korea.

Images from Seoul Fashion Week courtesy of Danielle Mitchell

April 27, 2014
Seoul Fashion Week (Part 1)

Hello world,

Let me preface this by saying that I am no Anna Wintour. I can barely dress myself without supervision, let alone commentate on fashion or the industry itself.

Make no mistake, that I am a fierce bitch. And like bloodhounds, gays and fashionistas do (italicize do) recognize me.

I am also a new writer, someone with a smidgen of experience. I’m a baby in the field. Yet somehow, I found myself writing about one of the most swank affairs on my side of the continent: Seoul Fashion Week.

Whoever approved this must have been smoking the finest [drugs] … Regardless, I’m a fan of Jesus, and I know he specializes in results. Hence, my arrival at Seoul Fashion Week. This was the very spot where the corps de elite gathered to document new trends; These trends were forged by the same innovators that I was to share oxygen with. In. that. very. space.

Here is my account of said event in all it’s ratchetness. The triumphs. The pitfalls. The elegance and absurdities of it all.

Are you ready?

Do dim the lights, and wear something comfortable, reader. What I am about to give you, is the meat and potatoes of my experience. No chaser.

It’s Sunday; 10am

Today’s the day!

I’m in disbelief. My imaginary entourage and I arrive at the Dongaemun Design Park building. On the outside we remain cool; something cavalier. Internally, our hearts descend into our guts, then into our assholes—which feels about three seconds away from falling out of our bodies. We are not doing well.

We are not doing well at all.

In a moment of pause we remember to breathe; I personally acknowledge that I am a bad bitch from hell, and that I deserve to be here too. This realization allows me to put on my big girl panties, and I solider on.

Time to register.

“Hi! Is this where I check in?” I said in my most blithe, optimistic voice.

“Actually, you can’t register here. You were supposed to do that online?”

The woman saying this has the most monotone voice I’ve ever heard! She’s killinnnng me.

“Uh, I don’t think you’re on the list,” she says.

She must also be psychic because I didn’t give her my name. I guess I don’t look like the fashiony-type? Touché bitch. And I am on the list.

“Nope,” she says.

You see reader? This is the practical joke that is my life! I’m usually a happy girl, but what the hell?! My anxiety begins to creep into me as I fight to keep it tucked away somewhere deep inside of my purse. How can they not let me in? I was formally invited!

I spend the next hour spluttering, confused, and in disbelief. I traveled 3.5 hours to witness the holy grail of fashion innovation and was rejected.

On what basis?!

Despite showing the gentlefolk my passport, invitation, and proof of employment, I find myself sitting outside without fashion. Without material for this article; without everything.

Perhaps they were expecting a confidential invitation written in sheep’s blood. An hour later: The manager arrives, and I argue and fight my way to the entrance. I argue him so hard that I leave HIM stuttering, and confused. I actually feel quite bad.

I guess in every war there are casualties.

It’s after 11 am, and I am victorious. I enter the venue with my press pass in tow. Security accidentally ushers me backstage with the models and designers in completely prohibited territory. Jackpot!

They’re compiling their looks for the show. Photographers with thousands of dollars worth of camera equipment feverishly snap away for the likes of Vogue, W, and Seoul Magazine. I linger a bit longer to take pictures of my own. They become instagram worthy.

The show starts a few minutes later and I’m seated witnessing the greatest show on earth: Front row at my first fashion show.

As I look down at my program I notice Today’s lineup:

CANEZOU
JOHNNY HATES JAZZ
pushBUTTON
JINTEOK
LE QUEEN
Lie Sang Bong
the studio K

And a slew of others. This is my moment. This is what I have dreamt of. This is what it feels like to accomplish something off of your bucket list: Fashion Week.

I am a pervert, so I anxiously await the fashions, and hope that they’re sexy. Let’s see how this goes. My entourage and I put on our Anna Wintour shades and begin to take notes.

The lights dim. The first model steps out and we beg the question:

“Is anything provocative?”

Images from Seoul Fashion Week courtesy of Danielle Mitchell

April 26, 2014
INFOGRAPHIC: Most Luxurious Lingerie In The World

Infographic courtesy of Sheer Luxury Lingerie. Check out their range here at http://www.sheerluxurylingerie.com/

April 22, 2014
The Morning After Sex
Was it good for you? That should be the first question that comes to mind after a night of sex with a new partner. You can rate it 1-10 if you like, but you may find the feelings are more like “Hell Yeah!” you don’t want it to end, or what the hell was I thinking? Or how drunk was I? Or worse, I thought that was going to be good sex. Let’s look at what to do before and after:

Hell Yeah, that was great and I hope we can do it again soon. Well then do. Touch your partner again and let new sparks fly with the lights on, I bet it will be even better. Either way, pull out another condom or the first one if you forgot last night and smile. Don’t be afraid to make the first move now, I think you’ve successfully made a home run and you can go up to bat again, unless of course there is work or school responsibilities which either of you have to get too. If so, tell your partner you would love to do it again if it’s true, but you gotta go. Elayne Boosler does a comedy routine about a female walking home from an all nighter in her skimpy black dress in the morning that’s pretty funny to have in your head while you make your exit. Accept that your partner may have to run or may not feel the same about the night. If so, be gracious say thanks for the good time you had and leave. Don’t lie with an ‘I’ll call you’, just don’t.

How drunk was I? Alcohol, weed or other drugs helps you drop your guard and your judgement. Or as my Mom would say, ‘you loose your good sense along with your drawers (panties)’. You may be drunk but there is no reason to take stupid risks. Use your drunkness to help you relax and get past your fears of trying something or someone new, asking the Tough Questions and learning more about your partner. The downside of not asking are quite serious so let’s look at the way to make them opportunities:
- Did you talk about safe sex? Use your uninhibited boldness for good and blurt it out: ‘Are you disease free?’ or ‘Is there something I should know about sex with you?’
- Did you use protection? Again, automatic behaviours like pulling out the condoms or dental dam from your purse or pocket makes it clear that you play safe.
- What’s in it for me? My husband taught me this one, that if you don’t ask, you don’t get. So if the kissing is good and you are feeling the heat of passion, whisper in the ear that sexual move that really rocks your boat and guarantees a happy ending for you. Then ask what they like as well.
- Where we going? This is a toughie when you are young and living at home. If it’s his place, you gotta have a back up plan. Back in the 80’s when I started, stumbling into a guys trashy apartment was such a turn off, I was afraid to turn on the lights. And when morning came I was so grossed out that I left right away. But if either of your places is out of the question, the back of a car option will have to do. It’s a classic place if you have a car, and then you only have to worry about location. Keep a pillow, blanket, condom, and tissues for clean up at all times in the car please! Stay in the parking lot with the other night partiers is better than driving off to some place darker and quieter where the cops or burglars may interrupt you.
I thought this was going to be good sex. But instead it was like flopping around with a dying or dead fish. Good sex is a skill that takes practice. Nobody starts off as a great lover, so going slow and enjoying the steps of building passion is the best advise I can give you for knowing what you like and learning what your partner likes. Good sex in my bed means both partners had an orgasm inducing experience. And if you didn’t orgasm and your partner did and fell asleep right away, that makes for a long uncomfortable night of not sleeping and getting mad when they start to snore. So let’s go back and analyse this one:

1. If you can ask for a drink, you can ask for an orgasm. Remember what my husband said, you gotta ask for what you want. I know by now you can order off a menu, so you also need to ask for the experience you want to have. You have a fantasy about what great sex will be like, so share your fantasy. Whisper it in your partners ear prior to removing clothes so it gives them time to think and plan better or ask you for details. Communication is Sexy. Anyway you say it, shy, bold, flirty is adding the instructions to create a good experience.

2. No two bodies are alike. Your erogenous zones are not like the others. Again, you wouldn’t know if you don’t ask. Play the game, ‘how does this feel?’ Try something, get a response and then say ‘your turn’. This gets you in the practice of exploring the right direction instead of wasting time irritating your partner with the wrong stroke, while they are silently hoping you’ll change positions or move to something else.

3. Don’t stop talking now. Speak up once you get into bed. “Stay here”, “move to the left”, “sit back a little”, “touch me back please”. All these key phrases go a long way in getting a mutually satisfying experience. I think the biggest mistake couples make is that they stop talking when they get in bed together. You can’t go into automatic pilot now, you both have to steer to get where you want to go.

4. If you are with a dead fish, pause for a moment and ask if they are comfortable and where they would like to be touched or what would feel good for them. They may not know so play the ‘how does this feel game’ and get the communication going. If you are with a flopping fish ask them to lay back and let you play a little more. It’s your way of taking the lead and taking the pressure off your partner’s urgency to get there orgasm.

Remember, your first priority is YOU. Your satisfaction, health, respect, feelings. That will take communicating with your partner on how to get there and in turn, you both learn how to take care of yourself. That way they don’t have to wish they read this article because you’ve just trained them.

The Tough Questions – Pregnancy, STD’s, Marks, Bruises or Pain. These are all serious morning-after questions and you can avoid most of them if you communicate before hand. Informed consent is the responsibility of both partners. Making the decision to have sex is something you do before, as it saves on the regrets later.

Will they call again? Maybe, but the question for you is ‘was the experience worth repeating?’ Did you want more just like it was or did you hope to improve it next time? Look at the experience as a one time event and judge whether you would do it again based on what you know now. If you liked it, be thankful and the opportunity for it repeating will come again. If not, focus on what shifts you need to make to get the experience you want. You want to repeat the fun experiences, not the bad ones so learn from them and make it the best sex ever!

Images courtesy of Shutterstock
April 20, 2014
Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

If you are a curious beginner looking to explore the multiple facets of kink with your partner, whether that means buying your first set of handcuffs or acting out an intense fantasy, there are three guidelines to start you off…to get you off.

Communication with your partner is crucial to having a good kinky time. If this is your first time expanding your sexuality and testing your comfort zone then there is a lot to talk about with your partner. It can be a little awkward at first to address these sometimes new and edgy topics, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel a little uncomfortable. Start out slow when addressing kink with your partner; maybe mention you read an article or an erotic story online about some light bondage and a blindfold and were wondering if your partner would be open to tying you up (or vice versa) with a tie or fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolding you with a scarf. Sometimes it is easier to begin with small changes to your sexual routine to get more comfortable, before experimenting with more intense changes, like replacing that scarf or fuzzy handcuffs with rope or leather bonds.

It also can be helpful to give each other a verbal outline of what will happen (at least the first few times) so there are no surprises that your partner may not be expecting or enjoy. For example, if you are tying your partner up and then blindfolding them, explain to them how and what you will tie them up with, and explain that you can stop at any time if you or your partner becomes uncomfortable. Talking it out is a great way to reduce any stress or nervousness you or your partner may experience during this new adventure you are embarking on together.

Consent is also a critical piece of kinky exploration that ties (pun intended) in well with communicating with your partner. Consent is so important for you and your partner’s sexual experience. After talking to your partner about wanting to trying that light bondage, or wanting to be blindfolded for a little sensory deprivation if your partner does not want to try those things you need to respect that. Consensual sex is the best kind of sex, and if your partner feels obligated or bullied into trying these kinds of things, it likely will not be enjoyable for either one of you and will not make for promising sexual exploration in the future. If at first your partner does not seem too keen on the idea of incorporating these new kinky ideas into your sexual repertoire, that’s okay. You might try showing your partner that article or erotic story you read that gave you the idea in the first place, or looking into some literature for kinky beginners.

If after reading up on kink through articles, books, or erotica and your partner is still hesitant, you should respect that and just give it some time. Let the conversation rest for a while, maybe your partner is stressed at work currently or is having difficulty within their family. Showing you respect their decision and/or can wait for other areas of their life to settle down will show your partner you respect them and honour their consent, and may keep your partner’s mind open to consenting to some kinky fun in the future.

Lastly, after you have discussed what you are going to try with your partner, how you are going to try it, and have received verbal and (maybe a little nervous) enthusiastic consent, you need to keep safety and sanitation in mind as well. This basically means using safe products for you and your partner, and to have a basic understanding of the kinky toys you might try using before actually using them on your partner. For example, if you are going to use handcuffs, make sure you know how to easily get in and out of them. Or, if you are going to use any sex toys like vibrators or dildos, make sure you know what they are made out of and know if those materials are healthy for you and your partner (be aware of latex and other kinds of allergies). After you are done using toys, make sure to wash and store them properly too for next time.

A final word on safety; depending on what you are choosing to explore sexually with your partner, having a safe word may be beneficial. Having a safe word, like “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down, or something silly like “watermelon”, can give you and your partner confidence and security in your kinky exploration. If what you are experimenting with gets too intense for one of you, you can stop whenever you want by using your word.

Keeping these three simple rules in mind: open communication, consent and safety for you and your partner while you begin to experiment and broaden your sexy horizons, will hopefully lead you both to a healthy, confident, (kinkily) blossoming sexuality.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock

April 18, 2014
Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

Ready for a new emotion? Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”. It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

So why am I jealous? As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving. But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn. I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does. After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode. Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks. That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack. Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go. I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break. But how could I break free of the green stain?

With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm. I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change. At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy. Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

“Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else? Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love. Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge. I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs. Philia is the bond of friendship.  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship. (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

Storge is the familial love of parent to child. Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined. It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship. We can replace jealousy with joy.

You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion. Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college. There is pride of being a part of making that success happen. And I like being a part of someone’s success.

Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution. By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts. If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

Now have I done it? Not every time, but I’m working on it. It’s not like one day you wake up compersed. It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice. And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it. I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there. No need to replay the old tapes. My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger. I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well. It’s that simple and that difficult. But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

April 16, 2014
Is Hypnosis with Sex, a One Hit Wonder?

Following on from the response from my previous editorial, I have been invited to share my professionalism further by posing the question: How far could one go utilising hypnosis with sexual behaviour? In response, one could go just as far with hypnosis as one could in experimental sex, drawing on positions and techniques. After all, I believe it is widely acknowledged that the brain, or to be precise, the Pituitary Gland aspect of the human brain, although, physically is the diameter of a pea, secretes the endocrine hormone: Melanocyte –stimulating hormone into the wider brain making it the largest sex organ in human nature. Therefore, gentlemen and ladies, there does not need to be any occupation of any anxiety, stress, depression and performance anxiety relating to the size of yours, or your partners penis and its function in the expression of your sexual behaviour? Or does there?

Unfortunately, there has over many thousands of years, especially in western culture, been an emphasis on marking sexual virility, ability, strength in battle and paralleling that within the bed chamber. Thus, culturally speaking, if one is well rehearsed and resilient with a sword, or, in some other masculine roles that displays awe, then he is bound to be the best lover for any woman or man, see Verinis and Roll, (1970, p.126) in their works ‘Primary and Secondary Male Characteristics: The Hairiness and Large Penis Stereotypes’ where they imply a stereotype of men with a larger sized penis was an indication of enhanced masculinity, virility, potency, power and activity, in contrast to men with smaller penises.

Therefore, it does not seem too difficult to conceive the idea that men, who buy into the notion that guys with larger penises are more professionally skilled, have supposed greater sex performances and are perceived to have little anxiety in much of their performances in life. I hear you asking, what of those men who perceive themselves or their partners to have smaller, or below national average for whatever country you happen to belong? The answer is simple; most men with an average sized penis in fact perceive themselves to be much smaller than what they are in reality as they view their penis from above by glancing over their stomachs.

Although, there are some men with small penises, ‘micro penises’, which are few and far between that do exist in all areas of society, western, or, eastern. Wylie and Eardley (2007, p. 1449-1455) presented a very easy table of penis measurements in their academic journal – Penile size and the ‘small penis syndrome’ which is located in the British Journal of Urology International, 99(6), Theory of Medicine. However, unfortunately, the man creates a low self-esteem regarding his penis size, stature, which fluidly umbrellas his perception and ability to perform etc. This anxiety can be inadvertently fulfilled by viewing men with above national average penises in pornography, in a sports gym, or, standing at the urinal in a public lavatory where it can be common place to notice other men’s penis size from a side aspect – viewing the full penis size in reality, not perceived.

The question you are all asking is, how do we treat it and can hypnosis assist in the treatment process? The answer is yes, it is treatable and yes, hypnosis can assist as a fundamental aspect of psychotherapy. There is a 50% chance that sexual dysfunction (i.e. arousal problems, Premature Ejaculation, Satisfaction, Sexual Dysfunction, Erectile Dysfunction etc) is medical or psychological. It is imperative that you contact a medical doctor or psychologist to diagnose you and decide whether your condition is one of the two. Although there is medical and psychological evidence that suggests the two merges into each other: chicken or egg, they would still require to be treated separately. You can then be treated via a psychotherapist who is comfortable or specialised in sex therapy to work through the triggers and issues that are influencing the psychological aspect of the condition – this is where one can utilise hypnosis to place suggestions in the man’s unconscious and re-frame thoughts to influence his behaviours. This is where I often use hypnosis in my private practice, although, it is not often used in the wider health service.

How can hypnotic sex treat poor performance? Hypnosis can enhance sexual performance by him visiting a sex therapist and him learning to relax and be at one with his body (penis specifically). The psychotherapist can teach him to visualise greater sexual performances. Additionally, ego boosting is an excellent way to experience a feel-good factor, and depending on how complex the man’s issues are, there are exceptional analytical approaches to psychotherapy to delve deeper into the unconscious. Such therapy work of delving deeper would be to locate a root cause and effect that influences a lack of sexual confidence, performance anxiety for example. As mentioned in my previous article, ‘Hypnotic Sex’, I explained further about Freud’s analytical therapy. However, to highlight a approach or two, there is free association, hypnosis, and dream analysis.

To understand further of how I perform a therapy session, and how I utilise hypnosis, you can read about a couple of my professional secrets in my next article.

Giles Dee-Shapland

Images courtesy of Shutterstock

April 14, 2014