Author: Kathy W

  • LGBTQ: Respecting Choices

    LGBTQ: Respecting Choices

    Socrates and Plato made no bones about their homosexuality. Shakespeare and Michelangelo’s greatest love sonnets were addressed to young men and Julius Caesar was referred to as “every woman’s husband and every man’s wife”.

    Few people refrain from acts of sexual gratification during their entire lives. While most experience sexual activities with members of the opposite sex, some partner with members of their own, and a small proportion interacts sexually with members of either gender. A number of others derive pleasure in putting on clothing generally considered appropriate for the other gender for reasons that include sexual satisfaction. Regardless of the types of sexual activities an individual may favor, most remain within their customary sexual preferences. A common myth asserts that one can readily identify adult male homosexuals based on their physically effeminate traits and lesbians based on their masculine appearances. In fact, most homosexuals display no distinguishable physical differences from heterosexuals. However, when they become socially visible—which many now do—the society in general makes the distinction because gays and lesbians are seen to perform homosexual roles. This has resulted in the marginalization of these individuals as they frequently become targets for social stigma and rejection due to their differences from the heterosexual orientation of the majority of society.

    A good case in example is that of Angie Zapata who was brutally killed two weeks shy of her 19th birthday. She was beaten to death with fists and a fire extinguisher. Her killer, Allen Andrade, met her on the Internet and they decided that would meet for a sexual encounter. However, Andrade turned violent and struck her repeatedly when he discovered Zapata was biologically a man. He was charged with first degree murder of a transgendered person. During the trial, the jury listened to numerous jailhouse phone conversations, including him telling a girl friend that “gay things must die”. Andrade was subsequently found guilty and sentenced to life imprisonment.

    Such continuing intolerance of alternative sexuality stems, in part, from historical roots as shown from extensively documented attitudes toward homosexuality from medieval times. Repression of homosexuals spread in the thirteenth century as an unanticipated consequence of organizational reforms in the church and class conflict in society. This was later fuelled by campaigns for celibacy that encouraged condemnation of sodomists along with witches.

    Thankfully in recent times, the pitch of public disapproval of homosexuality and transgenders has declined markedly as celebrities such as Neil Patrick Harris, the ever flamboyant Elton John, Carmen Carrera, and Ellen Degeneres have come out of the closet amidst media scrutiny and are educating the public that their sexual preference is a conscious effort and that we all reconcile our lifestyles by our chosen and adopted set of values. Instead of trying to determine the science behind alternative sexuality and to correct the “deviant” gene, let us take this opportunity to celebrate Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride Month (LGBT Pride Month) this June and to embrace and respect our loved ones for the choices that they have made.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Pain du le pain | Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

    Pain du le pain | Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

    Pain du le pain | Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

    I have been asked numerous times about my relationship with the mon ami and while most are perhaps expecting an interracial; cross-cultural case study of some sort, the truth is that ethnicity plays a tiny role when it comes to sustaining a relationship. Over the past year, the mon ami and I have sorted out our differences though open, honest communication and managing our expectations of each other. Like any other typical boy living in his own pad, the boyfriend takes messiness to a whole new level and he has so very much perfected the art of self-sufficiency that even till today—a year later—he never fails to astound me with his antics.

    I can vividly remember the day that he had invited me over to his place for a dinner with his flat mates and into his room for a cup of coffee thereafter. There was a certain sense of awkwardness, arising not from the prospect of any sexy time but rather, the state of his room. Grocery stores’ plastic bags were strewn all over and there was hardly an inch of space that could accommodate both the cup of coffee and I. He paused for a second before hurriedly picking up the debris around and shoving the unsightly bags under the bed. With a mug of coffee in his hands, he then proceeded to show me his beautifully framed family picture albeit coated in a thick layer of dust, tucked behind the curtains, and buried under a stack of papers and brochures. I remember him apologizing sheepishly about the clutter and grunting that he ought to clean it up soon.

    Fast forward twelve months later, I now know to my dismal that it would probably take an apocalyptic disaster before he will (grudgingly) clean out his room. I have since taken matters into my own hands by clearing up the area instead and marking out specific non-feeding aka ‘you may not eat here’ spots instead of picking on him incessantly about his ‘den of a bear’ living conditions.

    On any regular day, the mon ami would have at least two bottles of water and coke by his bed for hydration purposes, or so he claims. It seems that these serve a functional purpose too for I woke up from a nap one afternoon seeing him dropping grapes into a bottle of mineral water and swirling them around before proceeding to pop them into his mouth and munching them happily.

    Me: What are you doing?
    Him: Rinsing the raisins.
    Me: Huh?
    Him: Like this. -proceeds to dunk more grapes into the bottle and performs the tornado shake-
    Me: -widens eyes in shock-
    Him: Now … see. They are clean for consumption.
    Him: Shall I offer you some?
    Me: No. Thank you very much.

    Totally unhygienic and insufferable but kinda adorable at the same time and I wouldn’t want to change him in any way.

    In addition, I have also learnt first-hand that the rumor about Frenchmen being clingy, persistent, and vocal is very likely (and thankfully) an urban legend. Even though the mon ami surely does not lack in the affection department, I was slightly bewildered and worried about the lack of endearment and his penchant for ‘disappearing during working hours’. A normal day would usually go by without any form of contact until the end of the day. While I was initially wary and attributed this to a major sign of dodginess, it wasn’t before long I realized that this was how I used to be in my previous relationship for I would go on for hours at work without replying to meaningless “How are you?” and “What are you having for lunch?” messages. Moreover, he would address me by “Hey!” instead of the conventional “hun/dear” and his whimsical terms of endearments range from “my little whale”—after a heavy meal—to “my Singaporean spring roll” as he wrapped me up with white bed sheets and rolled me around gleefully.

    In his defense, he has learned to bear with my quirkiness and inadequacies too. He is now fully aware that apart from being extremely prone to spacing out, I am born with a chronic bitch face as opposed to looking pissed most of the time, that he is better off bringing an elephant to the dance floor as I am most certain to stumble and fall, and that I would very much prefer washing my grapes under the running tap instead.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Pornology of Modern Prostitution

    Pornology of Modern Prostitution

    The word pornography derives from the Greek word porn, which originally referred to prostitutes and their trade.  During the late 1960s and early 1970s, interest in the adverse effects that might result from viewing pornographic movies and magazines led to the formation of a national commission to study the nature and effects of pornography.

    Observers have divided the effects of pornography into two classes: direct and indirect.  Direct effects might include arousal of the pornography’s audience and changes in their behaviour that result from exposure to it.  On the other hand, indirect effects include subtle, long-term changes caused by exposure to pornography, such as redefinitions of sexual objects or sexual accessibility.  Of which, some argue that a long-term consequence of pornography strengthens the identification of women as objects for sex or violence and weakens their identities as people.  Another indirect consequence is the pursue of sole gratification of sexual relations as pornography tends to reduce sex to a purely physical act rather than a component in a richer human relationship.

    Hollywood has provided a caricature of prostitution in the form of the “happy hooker myth” whereby a prostitute is a sexy, attractive woman who freely enters prostitution until the right man comes along.  She is portrayed as being empowered by her position and having an edge over men by reversing traditional gender roles.  The career of a call girl includes at least three developmental stages: entrances into the career, apprenticeship, and development of contacts.  The mere desire to become a call girl does not allow one to attain this status.  Instead, one requires a systematic arrangement for contacts.  As one call girl explains, “You cannot just say get an apartment and get a phone and everything and say ‘Well, I’m gonna start business,’  because you gotta get clients from somewhere. There has to be a contact”.

    However, the scene has changed with the advert of the Internet as sex workers can now easily connect with clients through the web.  This comes with immense benefits as they no longer need to fork over any profits to a pimp.  These sex workers operate through the security of traceable emails and high-end hotels.  This combination of autonomy, security, control, wealth, and lifestyle represents a major inducement to engage in prostitution.  In this instance, pornography takes on the subtle form of high-end prostitution laced with unspoken promises of the “happy hooker myth” as the distinction between client and service provider is blurred for the modern prostitute now wields more authority and choice of choosing their clients.

    As such, prostitution is no longer seen as a pure exchange of sex and money but a mutually beneficial arrangement.  There is a transgression of boundary as men are regarded as not simply just seeking sexual gratification but a “modern gentleman [who desires] … to date the best” while the sex workers have now revamped themselves as attractive sugar babies and goal oriented individuals who  “deserve  to date someone who will pamper, empower, and help [him/her] mentally, emotionally and financially.”  Fine examples include elite sugar daddy dating sites such as www.seekingarrangment.com and www.modernsugardaddy.com that target affluent males who “wish to spoil a beautiful and sexy woman in a mutual, beneficial and rewarded relationship”.  In addition, many of these call girls are deviating from the subservient role of merely offering sexual services as they too, may demand for a particular fantasy to be fulfilled or even request having the entire session of the intercourse filmed.  This certainly brings us to wonder about the evolvement in the traditional perception of pornography and prostitution.

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  • Cheated? 5 simple ways to move on

    Cheated? 5 simple ways to move on

    While I do not wish for myself or anyone else to go through the same agony, it is inevitable that some of us would have been cheated on at some point in time be it whether the relationship has run its course or well … the other party has decided that the grass could be crispier on the other side.  Even though I am now in a perfectly happy relationship with my adorably insufferable new beau, I can easily recall those hellish sleepless nights whereby I had spent them unearthly hours trying to rationalize and figure out why things turned out the way they did.  Moving on was exceptionally hard for me, given that it was my first real relationship—spanning half-a-decade—and my immediate instinct was to shut myself from the rest of society and immerse in work.  While my productivity definitely reached an all-time high, I was feeling like a pathetic rat every single day.  I eventually had an epic breakdown before picking up what remained of my miserable self.  It was not after when the ex tried to establish contact several months later to express his regrets and to seek a chance for reconciliation then did I realize that moving on was the best decision that I had made.  By cheating on me, he was essentially the one who could not come to terms with himself and chose to run away from his own insecurity issues.  If you are currently holding onto a destructive relationship that can no longer be salvaged, perhaps it is now the time to re-evaluate your situation.  Here are some ways that I have helped myself to move on:

    Friends and parents

    One of the best ways to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer functional is to come to terms with it and to keep the close circle of friends informed.  However, most of us may take a while before letting the parents know, especially if both parties have yet to meet the parents.  While my friends have been really supportive, my folks were the ones who provided the most emotional support during this period and made sure that I was at least eating well despite waking up to seeing me with puffy eyes every morning.  My mum even skipped her weekly mahjong sessions just to chill out with me.  Right now, two years on, my dad keeps a lookout for me to make sure that I am in a good place in my current relationship.

    No contact

    Out of sight; out of mind.  In my instance, the ex was clearly expecting me to give in and forgive him again after he had initiated the second breakup.  After all, I was the one who forgave him all too easily previously.  This time round, I was determined to cease every means of contact.  Apart from refusing to pick up his phone calls, I went the extra mile by blocking him and his entire clan on whatsapp, facebook, and all other forms of social media.  This made things much easier and I was no longer tormented over whether to give him another chance because he clearly deserved … not.

    To find yourself again

    Sure, things may have changed over the course of the relationship.  While it is most likely that both parties are responsible for this breakdown, there is no need to beat yourself up over it.  It is important to figure out the cause (if possible) and give yourself ample time to internalize it before moving on in order to embark on the journey to find yourself again.  Take part in activities that you have always wanted, but never had the time to.  Indulge and splurge on that piece of luxury item that you had been eyeing with the money you were saving up for a vacation with the ex.  Go for a movie alone and learn to appreciate the solo time that you have earned.

    Sweat it out

    I literally found my solace in jogging and pilates.  It wasn’t soon before I made the decision to sign up to the local gym, hit the threadmill, and went for my first pilates class.  And I have never looked back since.  Apart from relishing in the adrenalin rush, it also made me aware that if I could accomplish the seemingly impossible and arduous feat of those insane elevated leg circles, there was possibly nothing else that I was not capable of.  In a way, this gave me the willpower to put everything to an end when the ex wanted to get back together.

    Burn baby burn !

    What’s the point of keeping those movie ticket stubs, birthday and valentine cards?  These were written and exchanged during better times and he/she clearly no longer feels the same.  Sure, getting rid of all these may come across as a bitter act and seem to be too drastic a step, but there is no better feeling than to watch those painful memories fire up and burn away.   Just be sure to extinguish the flames before bidding the past away.

  • Putting It |ON|

    Putting It |ON|

    This is for the benefit of those ladies out there who are too shy to question and the men who never care to share.  It all started with a seemingly innocent statement when the mon ami and I were walking down the streets of Rueil-Malmaison  one evening.  I was checking out a condom vending machine by the pharmacy when he blurted that he would have to purchase some condoms for his friends as the ones in Singapore were not as comfy.  The wheels started turning in my head and before long, I was bombarding him on the types of condoms that are exclusive to Paris.  While I was vaguely aware of the selection that is available to the male population, I was never properly introduced to these.  Moreover, I had always assumed that those fanciful looking square boxes were simply mere products of marketing gimmicks and the condom is well … just a piece of very useful phallic-looking piece of rubber for preventing the holy mother of all accidents.  Hence, I embark on yet another great google-hunt.  This together, with some personal feedback that I have gathered will hopefully, add some variety to the bedroom.

    One of the most apparent difference is that of the diameter, with condoms sold in Europe and United States offering a bigger diameter for the better endowed while the Asian equivalent provides a snug fit.  In addition, condoms in Europe and the United States are available in premiums of 18 while the ones in Asia are usually limited to 12 a pack.  A number of condoms have also emerged as top favourites among Durex users.  Durex’s Super Safe is resistant to wear and tear, and perfect for those who like it rough.  On the other hand, Fetherlite is durable yet comfortable enough for one to forget the feeling being encased in a piece of rubber while having sex. The crowd-winning Pleasuremax comes in a bright pink box and even though it is slightly thicker than its counterparts, the dots and ridges aid in giving that little extra bit of stimulation and undeniable joy.  Durex Love is also widely popular as it is much thinner in comparison to its counterparts, hence providing that added sensitivity without slipping.

    Apart from these, there are a number of non-mainstream condoms such as Sir Richard’s natural latex condoms that are vegan and lack that offending latex flavor and smell.  In addition, tantric-style sheaths that are embellished with tattoo-esque designs not only served to maximize textured pleasure, but also instantly transform the penis into an exquisite looking shaft which I personally find to be rather disturbing but well, to each his own . With this knowledge, ladies no longer need to play a passive role when it comes to their partners’ selection of condoms. As for me, that very pack of Pleasuremax has been added to this weekend’s to-do list 🙂

  • Book Review – Dark Warrior by Julie Shelton

    Book Review – Dark Warrior by Julie Shelton

    Amidst the warring times of 14th-century England, Julie Shelton spins a most exquisite tale of passion, vengeance and a forbidden love that best encapsulates the power struggles and lusty fervour that one can only yearn for in fourteenth-century England.

    Ms. Julie starts out on a morbid and harrowing note with Dark Warrior, with the ravaged and battered protagonist hiding the woods.  By the time her rescuers—Nicholas Herron and Rolf Torgesson—learn of her true identity and that her attacker is none other  than her betrothed the tyrant Robert Walford, the impending tragedy has already set itself in stone as the ravishing red-headed beauty has fallen deeply in love with them and they with her.

    Julie weaves a novel of pure raw emotion set in Berwick Castle and creates realistic characters of intensity that will resonate with avid readers of fantasy taboo tales.  This is definitely a page-turner as readers are drawn into the world of Kathryn, Nicholas and Togesson as they redefine the boundaries of seduction, sensuality, and shared ecstasy.

    Dark Warrior will be released on January 15th 2014.  You can purchase it at www.bookstrand.com/dark-warrior.  For more information on Julie and her books, you can visit her website at http://www.juliesheltonauthor.com

  • Let’s Talk About Music

    Let’s Talk About Music

    Who says making out has to be a silent lip-smacking activity? While I certainly do not desire to yelp like a puppy in heat or have my partner growl like a grizzly, some of our most intense “getting to know each other” sessions are carried out in the accompaniment of groovy music punctuated with the occasional “Mmmmm … Nice song”. Apart from the must-have tunes such as Black Eyed Pea’s My Humps, and Kelis’ Milkshake that are sure to get the slobber and juices going, here are some alternatives from my playlist that have made those hour-long romping sessions unforgettable. This can be incredibly handy for someone like me who has the tendency to loop my favourite songs but do not really want my partner to freak out when he discovers that I constantly listen to Bruno Mars’ Marry You and Ylvis’ What Does the Fox Say? on repeat.

    Savage Garden | I Want You
    “Magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine
    Sweet like a chica cherry cola”
    This is one of my personal favourites and it simply brings out the shiver of lust in you. It doesn’t even matter that you’re unable to catch up with the lyrics because by then, all you’ll probably be concerned about is keeping up with the on-off frenzied pace of the song as the frisky level hits an all-time high. This song is sure to leave you breathless and panting for more.

    Shakira | La Torture/ Hips Don’t Lie
    We all know there is something about Shakira’s songs that make us pump our fists into the air and sway those awesome boobies and booties to the thumping rhythm. Here are two tracks that simply ooze the ever so sensual “Colombianness” and I have a friend who swears by the latter. Every time she puts Hips Don’t Lie on, her husband’s sure to grip and flip her into the doggy. Talk about primal instincts.

    Jace Everett | Bad Things
    I have always been the impatient sort who never fail to fast forward tv shows’ opening themes and that’s until I heard Jace Everet on True Blood. While I am not exactly sure if am more captivated by the darkly alluring footage that feeds the morbid in me or fixated by the gritty lyrics, what I do know is that Evert’s rich, seductive growling voice makes me want to unleash those inner claws and rip some skin off my partner’s back while I graze on his lips…

    Savage Garden | Truly Madly Deeply
    How can anything be more eternal and breathtaking than standing with your loved one on a mountain, bathing together in the sea, lying like this forever until the sky falls down upon the both of you? Sure, this may come across as one of those cheesy star-crossed sonnets from Shakespeare’s tragedies but this is the very kind of romance every girl dreams of. Just imagine making out languidly on a meadow under a blanket of stars with a ridiculously irresistible male specimen (think Matt Bomer) and gazing dreamily into the skis with rainbows, unicorns and all … I think you get what I mean.

    Daft Punk | Harder Better Faster Stronger
    Whereas the dance-pop duo’s mainstream hit Get Lucky seems to be a reminiscence of one‘s hope to get laid with a gorgeous looking stranger, this lesser-known futuristic tune has a groove that gets the adrenaline flowing. It is fun, catchy and hypnotic at the same time and what’s better than a song with title and chorus that’s simply edging you to pump it on. Kinda motivating, isn’t it?

    While spontaneity is generally recommended, putting some effort into a playlist for some planned bedroom fun can yield a few surprising results. One thing’s for sure though, I do not want my partner to wait for Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years to get it on.

  • A girl and her adorably insufferable Frenchman

    A girl and her adorably insufferable Frenchman

    What happens when you put a true-blue anal Singaporean and a Parisian from the city of love together? For two individuals who are alien to the norms of the other party’s dating scene, the process and eventual outcome can be slightly confusing, a little frustrating and more often than not, very bemusing.

    The French’s notion of dating (or lack thereof) can be more than a little daunting for one who is exploring unchartered territory. It all starts when you meet a hilarious guy who speaks English liy zis. The time is right; the ambience strikes; and the chemistry flows. The night goes on and soon everyone around melts into the background and it becomes a private party of two.

    Before long, the dinner ends and you make a move—after some fumbling and an exchange of numbers. The next day, you wake up to an unexpected message from him and before you’ve had the time to gather your thoughts, you’re swept into this vortex where you can barely comprehend what is happening as you’re invited to dinners with his flat mates, drinks with his friends, and chill out sessions with (very possibly) the entire French population in the local scene—all taking place simultaneously. Hanging out is fun. The food is fabulous; the fromage, magnifique on every level, C’est la vie they say. All these while, he continues to address you as “Hey!” when suddenly, BAM! you’re getting questions from his friends on how did both of you meet and them telling you about his little quirks before making the “Oooooo, Ahhhh… Both of you are kinda cute together” remarks. You regard him with a questioning look while he gives a beaming smile and ruffles your hair. Things get complicated for the Singaporean because this is clearly deviating from the makings of a platonic friendship. What is happening?

    By then, we had already gone out for seven times, of which none was considered a date by my definition as almost all of these involved caviars, foie gras, lasagna (nevermind that it is not French), heaps of to-die-for cheese and of course, a constant stream of people to pass the plates around. A date is meant to be on a one-on-one basis and hence, the confusion sets in. You begin to notice that everyone indeed is beginning to refer to both of you as a couple while he is barely doing anything to set the record straight. Then one fine day—aka two weeks, five group dinners, one rugby match, and one movie later—he asked the question that eventually sent me frantically googling on this queer homo sapien who has by then, lured me into the world of kir, tapenade, and homemade croque monsieur (yes, men who CAN cook are damn sexy and I’ll probably die a death by gluttony).

    Him: “May I kiss you?”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    [Silence]

    Him: “I would like to kiss you.”

    Me: “Haha. You’ve got to be kidding.”

    Being the skeptical, cynical, and very unromantic Singaporean, I did my best to keep my cool and brushed him off before sending the rest of the evening on google-land. To my bemusement (and slight annoyance), I then realized that I am not the only one who has been utterly lost:

    French critique of dating essentially relies on their rejection of any clearly defined relationship. They do not designate anyone as dating material, but rather hang out in groups and allow the mutual interest between two members of the group to arise spontaneously. The French find absurd the very idea that there is a point in a relationship after which people suddenly become a boyfriend and a girlfriend. “Dating” as a concept does not exist in France—you like someone, you hang out with them in a larger group. [source: http://datingstrategist.blogspot.sg/2013/01/not-dating-like-french.html]

    And so Volia! We eventually had the kiss and did the deed (and that’s another story). Since then, he has been trying to acquaint himself with the Anglo-Saxon dating model. As the saying (kinda) goes, “When in Singapore, do as the Singaporeans do lor”.