How to ace a Valentine date online
Tell us if this sounds familiar, gentlemen: around this time last year, you joined “The Lonely Bros Sulk-Over-Tiger Beer Gathering” as a last resort to fill that Valentine’s Day void which, ideally, should’ve been filled by that “Queen of Your Heart” you had a crush on since secondary school. Seeing that V-Day is round the corner, the team at SERIOUSLY MAN (SM) feels that securing a date ASAP is very much as doable as a VS model, let alone securing a date itself. Don’t get us wrong, we are not going in any of our classic self-aggrandizing direction here. Because with the advent of mobile dating apps like Tinder and Singapore based Paktor, dating has now come with serious ease. All you have to do is take the first flight out into the Tinderverse! The best part is, you get to do it from the comfort of your bedroom in the middle of a commercial break.
Now, how exactly do you accomplish the tall task of asking a girl who barely trusts you out on a short notice? To ensure the quality of the following tips that even the app makers themselves might not know, Team SM immersed into said apps for months and months for research. After a highly complex process of statistical calculations, hypothesis proving and refinery, it came down to this simple 3-step approach to convince a ravishing Tinderella out for Valentine’s.
All. Under. 24 hours.
SET UP THE PERFECT PROFILE
Ok fine, so there’s no such thing as perfection. So let’s go with the rather clichéd oxymoronic “you’re perfectly imperfect”. Surely there’s something interesting about you, even though you have a knack of communicating to acquaintances that you’re a boring software engineer with nothing much going on in your life. It’s all about the phrasing in your personal bio. Never ever leave that blank! Passionate about your MMORPG games? Have a secret recipe to an amazing Tiramisu? Proudly wear that badge on your bio!
Yay: “Just your average oh-so-boring engineer in thick frame specs. Transform into a gamer geek on weekends. Diablo, DOTA 2, Assassin’s Creed, conquered them all. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m still game for a coffee date. Might just dia-blow your mind ;)”
Nay: “Your friendly neighbourhood engineer. Looking for a nice girl to go out with on Valentine’s Day. [Smiley]”
Hold your horses, there’s still your profile pictures to be taken care of. We can go on all day and all night about douchey gym selfies or grainy shots of you with your drunk bros. These apps pride on superficiality. Your chosen pictures need to showcase your best self! Your most handsome facial angle, your best hairstyle, your sharpest suit, you in action at Laser Tag etc.
If you don’t have any of those, get cracking. Find a photographer friend to have your shots professionally taken or one of those hobbyist (there are millions of them) to at least get some decent ones out. Don’t go complaining now, it’s worth every bit of the trouble. You’ll give us serious thanks later.
As a rule of thumb, have a set comprising of the following: a frontal smiley shot of you posing in front of a conversation-starter-worthy background, a photo capturing you indulging in your choice of sports and a “#OOTD” of yourself in a bespoke suit. Take it from us: the gentlemen can do “#OOTDs” too.
GET HER DIGITS!
Sure, these apps are made for swiping and meeting new ladies. But whoever said it’s made for chatting? Take it out of there and into the proper channels! Well, at least it makes for a good excuse to get her number, right? You don’t have much time left to fix a V-date, let alone trying to fruitlessly convince her on the app chat itself that you’re her knight in shining armor. The ladies on these apps can be flakier than cornflakes. Acting fast is of utmost importance. Therefore, once you spot that little gap in the opportunity window, take that first flight out into Whatsapp (or any other free messaging apps you and your potential date use).
Excuse of the day: “Ok this is really bugging me but my app doesn’t give me any notifications. Let’s take this lovely conversation into somewhere only we know ;)”
Rule of thumb: Remember how we have to do this all under 24 hours? Time is ticking! Based on our studies, give or take her rate of reply, you SHOULD be getting her digits within 2 hours right from the moment you start the chat with your match. Our in-house record has been set at 3 minutes 13 seconds.
BE MY VALENTINE!
Play a “knock, knock” joke as a conversation opener after you have successfully gotten the number. Or any of your own unique ones you feel exceptionally confident in. Your goal here is to get a good, fun banter going on before you pull the “Be my Valentine!” trigger. The proverb “strike while the iron is hot” would be most appropriate here; there is already some comfort level established from the fact that she gave you her number, and now, the onus is on you to draw her attention to V-day. Casually bring it up.
“Cute pup you got there in your profile picture. You are a dog person aren’t you?”
“[… … It doesn’t matter what she says … …]”
“Cool. So who’s going to take care of her when you’re out on your hot Valentine’s date?”
[The lady may/may not have a date fixed, and she may/may not make it explicitly known. But hey, she’s on a dating app and she gave you her number, it’s going to take a blatant fool to screw this up now.]
If she is available: “What, how can a lady like you not have a V-date? Well, you’re single, I’m single, so … I don’t see why we shouldn’t go out on a coffee date and make out like a couple of crazy love birds right there on the café couch.
If she is unavailable: Erm, you have another match on Tinder or Paktor, don’t you? See, what did we say about time running out? Some other asshole beat you to her.
Everyone is on dating apps these days and it shouldn’t be difficult at all to find a few matches to garner a date for V-day. You might even see your own female friends on it (courtesy dictates that you swipe right on them anyway). Provided that you have diligently done your homework and adhered to our tried-and-tested guide to score a V-date from your smart phone, we can almost guarantee you there is not a need in the world to participate in part two of “Lonely Bros Sulk-Over-Tiger Beer Gathering”.
This article has been republished with permission from Seriously Man.
Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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