Was it good for you? That should be the first question that comes to mind after a night of sex with a new partner. You can rate it 1-10 if you like, but you may find the feelings are more like “Hell Yeah!” you don’t want it to end, or what the hell was I thinking? Or how drunk was I? Or worse, I thought that was going to be good sex. Let’s look at what to do before and after:
Hell Yeah, that was great and I hope we can do it again soon. Well then do. Touch your partner again and let new sparks fly with the lights on, I bet it will be even better. Either way, pull out another condom or the first one if you forgot last night and smile. Don’t be afraid to make the first move now, I think you’ve successfully made a home run and you can go up to bat again, unless of course there is work or school responsibilities which either of you have to get too. If so, tell your partner you would love to do it again if it’s true, but you gotta go. Elayne Boosler does a comedy routine about a female walking home from an all nighter in her skimpy black dress in the morning that’s pretty funny to have in your head while you make your exit. Accept that your partner may have to run or may not feel the same about the night. If so, be gracious say thanks for the good time you had and leave. Don’t lie with an ‘I’ll call you’, just don’t.
How drunk was I? Alcohol, weed or other drugs helps you drop your guard and your judgement. Or as my Mom would say, ‘you loose your good sense along with your drawers (panties)’. You may be drunk but there is no reason to take stupid risks. Use your drunkness to help you relax and get past your fears of trying something or someone new, asking the Tough Questions and learning more about your partner. The downside of not asking are quite serious so let’s look at the way to make them opportunities:
- Did you talk about safe sex? Use your uninhibited boldness for good and blurt it out: ‘Are you disease free?’ or ‘Is there something I should know about sex with you?’
- Did you use protection? Again, automatic behaviours like pulling out the condoms or dental dam from your purse or pocket makes it clear that you play safe.
- What’s in it for me? My husband taught me this one, that if you don’t ask, you don’t get. So if the kissing is good and you are feeling the heat of passion, whisper in the ear that sexual move that really rocks your boat and guarantees a happy ending for you. Then ask what they like as well.
- Where we going? This is a toughie when you are young and living at home. If it’s his place, you gotta have a back up plan. Back in the 80’s when I started, stumbling into a guys trashy apartment was such a turn off, I was afraid to turn on the lights. And when morning came I was so grossed out that I left right away. But if either of your places is out of the question, the back of a car option will have to do. It’s a classic place if you have a car, and then you only have to worry about location. Keep a pillow, blanket, condom, and tissues for clean up at all times in the car please! Stay in the parking lot with the other night partiers is better than driving off to some place darker and quieter where the cops or burglars may interrupt you.
I thought this was going to be good sex. But instead it was like flopping around with a dying or dead fish. Good sex is a skill that takes practice. Nobody starts off as a great lover, so going slow and enjoying the steps of building passion is the best advise I can give you for knowing what you like and learning what your partner likes. Good sex in my bed means both partners had an orgasm inducing experience. And if you didn’t orgasm and your partner did and fell asleep right away, that makes for a long uncomfortable night of not sleeping and getting mad when they start to snore. So let’s go back and analyse this one:
1. If you can ask for a drink, you can ask for an orgasm. Remember what my husband said, you gotta ask for what you want. I know by now you can order off a menu, so you also need to ask for the experience you want to have. You have a fantasy about what great sex will be like, so share your fantasy. Whisper it in your partners ear prior to removing clothes so it gives them time to think and plan better or ask you for details. Communication is Sexy. Anyway you say it, shy, bold, flirty is adding the instructions to create a good experience.
2. No two bodies are alike. Your erogenous zones are not like the others. Again, you wouldn’t know if you don’t ask. Play the game, ‘how does this feel?’ Try something, get a response and then say ‘your turn’. This gets you in the practice of exploring the right direction instead of wasting time irritating your partner with the wrong stroke, while they are silently hoping you’ll change positions or move to something else.
3. Don’t stop talking now. Speak up once you get into bed. “Stay here”, “move to the left”, “sit back a little”, “touch me back please”. All these key phrases go a long way in getting a mutually satisfying experience. I think the biggest mistake couples make is that they stop talking when they get in bed together. You can’t go into automatic pilot now, you both have to steer to get where you want to go.
4. If you are with a dead fish, pause for a moment and ask if they are comfortable and where they would like to be touched or what would feel good for them. They may not know so play the ‘how does this feel game’ and get the communication going. If you are with a flopping fish ask them to lay back and let you play a little more. It’s your way of taking the lead and taking the pressure off your partner’s urgency to get there orgasm.
Remember, your first priority is YOU. Your satisfaction, health, respect, feelings. That will take communicating with your partner on how to get there and in turn, you both learn how to take care of yourself. That way they don’t have to wish they read this article because you’ve just trained them.
The Tough Questions – Pregnancy, STD’s, Marks, Bruises or Pain. These are all serious morning-after questions and you can avoid most of them if you communicate before hand. Informed consent is the responsibility of both partners. Making the decision to have sex is something you do before, as it saves on the regrets later.
Will they call again? Maybe, but the question for you is ‘was the experience worth repeating?’ Did you want more just like it was or did you hope to improve it next time? Look at the experience as a one time event and judge whether you would do it again based on what you know now. If you liked it, be thankful and the opportunity for it repeating will come again. If not, focus on what shifts you need to make to get the experience you want. You want to repeat the fun experiences, not the bad ones so learn from them and make it the best sex ever!
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