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Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

Kink

Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

If you are a curious beginner looking to explore the multiple facets of kink with your partner, whether that means buying your first set of handcuffs or acting out an intense fantasy, there are three guidelines to start you off…to get you off.

Communication with your partner is crucial to having a good kinky time.  If this is your first time expanding your sexuality and testing your comfort zone then there is a lot to talk about with your partner.  It can be a little awkward at first to address these sometimes new and edgy topics, and that’s okay.  You’re allowed to feel a little uncomfortable.  Start out slow when addressing kink with your partner; maybe mention you read an article or an erotic story online about some light bondage and a blindfold and were wondering if your partner would be open to tying you up (or vice versa) with a tie or fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolding you with a scarf.  Sometimes it is easier to begin with small changes to your sexual routine to get more comfortable, before experimenting with more intense changes, like replacing that scarf or fuzzy handcuffs with rope or leather bonds.

It also can be helpful to give each other a verbal outline of what will happen (at least the first few times) so there are no surprises that your partner may not be expecting or enjoy.  For example, if you are tying your partner up and then blindfolding them, explain to them how and what you will tie them up with, and explain that you can stop at any time if you or your partner becomes uncomfortable.  Talking it out is a great way to reduce any stress or nervousness you or your partner may experience during this new adventure you are embarking on together.

Consent is also a critical piece of kinky exploration that ties (pun intended) in well with communicating with your partner.  Consent is so important for you and your partner’s sexual experience.  After talking to your partner about wanting to trying that light bondage, or wanting to be blindfolded for a little sensory deprivation if your partner does not want to try those things you need to respect that.  Consensual sex is the best kind of sex, and if your partner feels obligated or bullied into trying these kinds of things, it likely will not be enjoyable for either one of you and will not make for promising sexual exploration in the future.  If at first your partner does not seem too keen on the idea of incorporating these new kinky ideas into your sexual repertoire, that’s okay.  You might try showing your partner that article or erotic story you read that gave you the idea in the first place, or looking into some literature for kinky beginners.

If after reading up on kink through articles, books, or erotica and your partner is still hesitant, you should respect that and just give it some time.  Let the conversation rest for a while, maybe your partner is stressed at work currently or is having difficulty within their family.  Showing you respect their decision and/or can wait for other areas of their life to settle down will show your partner you respect them and honour their consent, and may keep your partner’s mind open to consenting to some kinky fun in the future.

Lastly, after you have discussed what you are going to try with your partner, how you are going to try it, and have received verbal and (maybe a little nervous) enthusiastic consent, you need to keep safety and sanitation in mind as well.  This basically means using safe products for you and your partner, and to have a basic understanding of the kinky toys you might try using before actually using them on your partner.  For example, if you are going to use handcuffs, make sure you know how to easily get in and out of them.  Or, if you are going to use any sex toys like vibrators or dildos, make sure you know what they are made out of and know if those materials are healthy for you and your partner (be aware of latex and other kinds of allergies).  After you are done using toys, make sure to wash and store them properly too for next time.

A final word on safety; depending on what you are choosing to explore sexually with your partner, having a safe word may be beneficial.  Having a safe word, like “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down, or something silly like “watermelon”, can give you and your partner confidence and security in your kinky exploration.  If what you are experimenting with gets too intense for one of you, you can stop whenever you want by using your word.

Keeping these three simple rules in mind: open communication, consent and safety for you and your partner while you begin to experiment and broaden your sexy horizons, will hopefully lead you both to a healthy, confident, (kinkily) blossoming sexuality.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock

Nicole Nelson

A queer, non-monogamous, vegetarian, feminist. Nicole is currently a practicing clinical social worker doing family therapy with a focus on couples therapy and LGBTQ issues. Nicole has worked in the fields of gender and sexuality for the past four years through her academic career and started out in the field at the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Rhode Island. Nicole is also a part of the LGBTQ Domestic Violence Coalition in Boston, MA. She continues to grapple with sexuality goodness through her outreach and freelance work.

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