Tag: Tantric

Secrets of Tantric Massage

What is the secret of tantric massage?

In our modern culture, where answers to anything can be found at the click of a mouse, are there even any secrets left to be uncovered? Bede Griffiths, the British Benedictine monk who lived in India and became a noted yogi, once said:

For me, the great discovery in India is the discovery of the sacred. In India, everything is sacred: the earth is sacred, food, water and taking a bath are all sacred, a building is sacred.

What does this really mean? Here in the west, we have lost this understanding and attitude. We have become used to instant gratification. But the problem with instant gratification is that the experience does not last … By its nature it is fleeting—and one desire leads to another and another and another …

Sacredness implies honouring a deeper part of ourselves, which leads to more permanent contentment, fulfilment, inner peace and the feeling of total satisfaction. The experience of being in the moment, rather than doing. This is what we all really want, but there is an underlying pressure in our society to strive to compete, to achieve, to spend, to perform? These are the things we are taught to do. No one teaches us simply to be and to honour our deepest essence. So although it should be the simplest thing to do, it has become the hardest. While this applies to all areas of life, we are now here discussing tantric massage. Many of our visitors nowadays are so stressed by the time they arrive, they even find it difficult to just lie on the massage table and BE. Why so? Let us look more closely at the below issues:

The body

According to Ayurveda, the human body consists of 72,000 nadis, or subtle nerve channels, which cannot be seen by the physical eye, and 107 marma points, which are the neuro-muscular junction boxes of the body. In order for the body to truly relax, it is helpful to not only work on releasing the tension in the muscles, but also on restoring and revitalizing the energy flow. The subtle energy needs to be unblocked and re-directed to flow through the energetic pathways. This enables the individual to become more vibrant and alive, as well as relaxed.

Massage styles with long strokes, such as Abhyanga or Esalen-style massage, which encompass the entire body, rather than massaging just the legs or just the back separately are helpful in this process. A skilled masseuse can enable the receiver to experience his/her body as an organic whole. The entire body includes the genitals and the entire energetic system.

The mind

Our minds are very subtle instruments, easily affected by the atmosphere around us, as well as by our own thoughts. Our clients come to us with many different issues on their mind. They may feel guilty, nervous, ashamed, shy, or unsure whether they will receive what they are looking for. So it is very important for them to be greeted with an attitude of acceptance and understanding. When a masseuse empathises with and honours the client, this helps his/her mind to calm down spontaneously. We also teach basic meditation and deep breathing techniques, which combined with the peaceful vibration in our studio, all help to still the mind and encourage the flow of internal energy throughout the body.

This may all sound quite simple and obvious, but energy is a subtle entity. Keeping a studio clean and beautiful and lighting candles is one thing, but maintaining an upflifting vibration in the atmosphere is another. It helps if meditation has been practiced in the room, or if meditational mantras are played for long periods of time and even more so if the masseuse is a meditator. Mantras are used to purify the atmosphere and the feeling of peace can be very tangible. This can help lift the mind out of its habitual patterns of thinking.

Some clients have a tendency to get into their own individual fantasies while receiving the massage, particularly during the more arousing part. We do not discourage this as it is important to feel at ease. But we do encourage them to become an observer, a witness to the the workings of the mind and senses. The more we are able to do this, the deeper we go within—thoughts dissolve as if by magic and bodily sensations become much more powerful. This is basic meditation and it is not hard work; it is a very natural process.

Relationships

Some who are in a committed relationship may have a sense of guilt about receiving a sensual massage from someone who is not their partner. There are also times where their partner is not open to the idea of accompanying them. Hence, we always seek to explain that a tantric massage is different from a purely sensual or erotic massage.

While they may be receiving the tantric massage from a stranger, our tantric masseuses are qualified and have been trained to lead them to a certain experience which they can then share and develop with their partner at home. Of course, they are always welcome to come for tantric tuition on their own or as a couple, and will receive even more personalised instructions. Many single clients also come to us in a bid to prepare themselves for a future relationship.

The idea is not to titillate the senses. The individual is encouraged to go deep within and to access the inner feelings, which are much deeper and more satisfying. This can lead to a total body experience which can be extremely powerful.

It is important to honour oneself and consequently one’s partner, to see the partner as sacred and to treat one another with the utmost respect. This will lead to a flowing meditation, in which each person is able to actually feel the love and respect in their heart and ‘flow’ from that place. We emphasise that there are no goals. The idea is to go with the flow of the inner experience. These inner feelings and sensations come from a raised consciousness and are far more powerful, blissful and much more satisfying than the outer senses.

Rigidity dissolves when the pressure to do and to perform melts away. It is replaced by a blissful feeling of inner connectedness, which leads to a much more spontaneous and flexible interaction between a couple. They understand that there is not only one way to be together or to do something. Nothing is wrong or right. They just both need to be in the moment. So, for example if a man loses his erection, that is not a problem for sexual or sensual play can still take place. If one of the partners is not feeling sexy, the other can give him/her a massage. There is an infinite variety of ways to connect.

These inner feelings can be accessed and strengthened whether an individual simply comes for a tantric massage, or whether he/she has tantric tuition, or decides to bring a partner for tuition. Once these feelings have been experienced, they can grow deeper, more fulfilling and even more explosive with time and practice. It is a question of turning the attention within, instead of without. To quote Osho*:

In your body there exists a subtle current of electricity, very subtle. But the subtler it is, the deeper it goes. It is not very visible. Tantra is alchemy, it can transform your centers… it is like bringing electricity into your house. Then you can turn it on and off whenever you want…. You have to imbibe the Tantra spirit—it is not a technique to be learned.

That is part of the secret of sacredness, of being rather than doing—the secret of tantric massage and what differentiates it from a regular sensual or erotic massage.

*We have also quoted Osho on this subject in a previous ARTICLE

Article republished with permission of Tantric Massage London
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May 5, 2016
Boosting Your Sexual Confidence with Tantric Massage (Part 2)

In our practice, we have found that many men, especially from India and Arab countries, suffer from premature ejaculation because sex before marriage is still often considered a taboo in these places and so since young, they’ve learned the norm is to masturbate secretly and in a hurry. Upon getting married, they find that they have premature ejaculation and don’t know what to do about it. Their wives cannot help because they are similarly lacking in experience and we find that when they come to us and learn to give one another a tantric massage, the couple experiences sex as a total revelation when they learn to slow down and savour the moment.

Premature ejaculation is often a habitual and psychological pattern, and so men need to be encouraged to last longer. We teach them a deep breathing technique which helps them remain more in their bodies, and less in their thoughts. And then we give them a slightly arousing sensual massage and ask them to tell us when they think they are on the brink. We then slow down and slowly bring them up to the brink again. We do this several times and gradually, a man begins to become more confident in himself as he sees his old patterns breaking up and he lasts longer, almost effortlessly. It is helpful if his partner can watch this process or be aware of it so that they can practice the same at home.

Nowadays, in our heavily materialistic culture, many men are under so much pressure at work that they are now experiencing an inability to get an erection, or to maintain one, or they have very weak erections. This causes a domino effect when they then drink too much coffee, alcohol, or take drugs, which makes things even worse and by the time they come to us, they are often unable to relax at all. Many are on anti-depressants which makes it difficult to orgasm, and this perpetuates a self-fulfilling cycle of lack of sexual confidence. All the more so because they have an expectation that they should be the perfect lover and to be able to stay hard for hours and be able to give their partner a mind-blowing orgasm.

Men need to take time off away from work and meetings to relax totally. That is why we consider it important that they receive a real massage and not just a soft feathery type variant. When individuals are really stressed, they need a deeper massage to get rid of the physical knots in the body. We also teach them to breathe properly from the diaphragm, and this deep breathing automatically helps the mind to calm down. We encourage them to watch their thoughts and not to identify with them. This is a basic meditation practice which helps to stop circular thinking, or the repetition of the same thoughts which is essentially what happens when someone is too stressed.

In this way, the individual can begin to feel his feelings again without thoughts getting in the way. He can then begin to feel turned on and to discover that it was all due to external factor and there is, in fact, absolutely nothing wrong with him. It is a real relief for a man to discover that he has not lost his sexual potency.

Some men are also able to experience an internal orgasm without ejaculation, which is a very powerful experience, and leaves the body shaking with pleasure and total relaxation as the energy flows unimpeded throughout the inner channels of the body. Women can also experience this type of whole body orgasm and it can give someone an immense feeling of of peace, bliss and sexual confidence.

Intimacy, connection and the quality of conscious touch

When we become too wrapped up in our thoughts, this can act out in unconscious ways. We become led by the mind, instead of by our true intuition and feeling. And so there may be a tendency to touch one another in an uncomfortable, unpleasant or insensitive way. Many people need to be taught how to touch one another with awareness, consciousness and subtlety. They also need to be taught where to touch and what the opposite sex actually enjoys. When we are touched in a particular way, our heart tends to open and we feel that the other person really cares for us, that there is a true connection and a feeling of intimacy and oneness arises between us.

Our therapists often need to take the hand of a male client and show him how to touch, and tell him what feels good and what doesn’t. A woman’s vagina can be a source of mystery to men. The same applies to female clients We are often amazed to see beautiful women and men who appear so confident on the outside, but who really don’t know how and where to touch one another! We often encourage them to practice on their partner, to give one another a tantric massage, and show them how to touch and what strokes to use. In addition, we encourage them to give each other truthful feedback. We have found that long-term couples can sometimes be most honest with one another in such sessions.

Sexual confidence

Ultimately as these tools are used and practiced, men and women can then experience their inner feelings in a more total way. They learn to trust them more and develop the courage to become more deeply invested themselves. That confidence encourages them to experiment and to try out new things because variety is also important in a sex life. As we become more conscious, total, alive and integrated, we set clearer boundaries in our relationship with others. We learn to communicate honestly, without offending the other. It also becomes easier to relate, and to actually feel not only arousal, but also intimacy, love and connection in our heart. This is how sexual confidence gradually develops. This confidence can then be integrated into a healthy, conscious and mindful way of being. And this … this is the benefit of receiving a tantric massage.

Article republished with permission of Tantric Massage London
Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
Images courtesy of Tantric Massage London
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March 13, 2016
Boosting Your Sexual Confidence with Tantric Massage (Part I)
Can tantric massage result in sexual confidence? First one needs to understand what sexual confidence really is.

We could all start by asking ourselves the question: ‘Am I a sexually confident person?’

The following is a pertinent quote from Osho, who was not only a popular guru, but sometimes known as the ‘sex’ guru’ of the seventies:

“ All religions have turned man against his own energies. Sex is man’s whole energy, his life energy. So through condemning sex … and preventing the orgasmic experience, religions have made men and women slaves. And the basic strategy is :’because sex is the most powerful energy in you, sex should be condemned, a guilt should be created. Then the individual has a split … his nature is sensuous, sexual and his mind is full of garbage against it. So man is afraid of sex as far as the mind is concerned, but his biology has nothing to do with the mind.The biology has its own way of functioning, so it will draw him towards sex and his mind will be standing there continuously condemning him. So he makes love, but in a hurry. He is hurrying because he feels he is doing something wrong. The only compromise is to be quick. That avoids the orgasm.

Because of his hurry, he cannot manage the orgasm. Sex has become equivalent to ejaculation. That is not true as far as nature is concerned. Ejaculation is only a part, which you can manage without orgasm. You can reproduce children, but you have become deprived. Man is deprived and because he is so quick in making love, the woman is also deprived. The woman needs time to warm up. Her whole body is erotic and unless her whole body is throbbing with joy, she will not be able to experience orgasm. So for millions of years, women have been denied their birthright. So they become bitchy… nagging… ready to fight…

Then you go for therapy. But without meditation you can go on painting on the surface, but the inner reality remains the same. My therapists have to introduce meditation as the very center of therapy. Then we have made therapy something really valuable Our therapy should give a person his individuality back. We give him his childhood and innocence back We have to teach people how to live totally and wholly … Then orgasm will give you your roots, which have been taken away from you. It is immensely important for meditation that a person has the experience of orgasm … Then you can make him understand what meditation is. It is an orgasmic experience with the whole existence.”

I have included the above long quote because even though it was written in the 1970s, it is still applicable to us in many ways today. You may be thinking that these things do not apply to the majority of people in the 21st century. There is so much open communication nowadays, knowledge and techniques are freely available, and we are no longer affected by guilt and secrecy. But the fundamental body/mind/spirit disconnection has simply taken other forms. Society and advertising exert different but equally powerful pressures. People may look confident but here, at Tantric Massage London, we experience every day that underneath the surface, there is a fundamental of lack of sexual confidence. Our connection with ourselves as a sexual being is very often impaired.

We have allowed our culture to de-sensitise us and we no longer feel with the entirety of our being. We now tend to be in our heads. As the inner disconnection between mind, body and spirit becomes habitual, men and women are no longer able to feel turned on in the usual ways. So they resort to fantasising all kinds of situations, or they can only have sex in a particular way, or they watch porn before they are able to have sex. Our society also encourages this type of behaviour and this makes people even more out of touch with themselves and more insecure because they compare their bodies and performance to those of porn stars.

Women develop anorexia and bulimia because of lack of self-esteem. They worry about how they look. Their body can never be beautiful enough, so they diet, wax it everywhere (as do men nowadays too); they undergo all kinds of procedures like anal bleaching, breast enlargement. On the other hand, men worry about the size of their penis and have surgeries to enlarge it … all because of the fundamental insecurity and over-identification with the physical appearnance of the body and the lack of connection with the true self inside.

So let us take a look at how this fundamental insecurity affects women, men and couples and the ways in which tantric massage and tuition can help. All of the following can be helpful, be it whether one is single or in a relationship.
Our tantric tuition process can be broken down into the following:
1. Learning to feel—begin to feel one’s own body and senses, learn to slow down the mind and integrate the body-mind-spirit
2. Education—provide information on what to touch, how to touch, what turns you on, what turns your partner on.
3. Communication—how to communicate honestly without hurting your partner.
4. Connection—feel the connection within, which leads to feeling the connection with your partner.
Women

Women often have the idea, sometimes sub-consciously, that the focus is to keep their man pleased so they concentrate on their partner rather than on themselves. When a couple comes and see us and each wants to receive a tantric massage, we advise them to have the massage in separate rooms at first, so that the woman can concentrate on her own pleasure.

Very often, it is the male partner who initiates the idea of having a tantric massage together and he asks for the massage to be in the same room,so that he can enjoy watching his partner being turned on and also learn how to turn her on. And often, the woman will agree with him because she has become conditioned to wanting to please him and is unaware of how out of touch she is with herself.

So we need to explain to both of them that a woman needs privacy to discover what turns her on before she can show her partner. She needs to become familiar with her own vagina, to masturbate, use sex toys and generally be aware of and in touch with her own sensual responses. For this, she needs privacy and will be much more free, uninhibited and comfortable on her own.

We often recommend women to take a look at Betty Dodson’s website. Betty is a pioneer of sex education for women and was one of the first therapists to encourage women to get a mirror and actually look at their own vagina. As she says in her website: ‘Our Bodysex workshops teach women how to overcome negative body image and pleasure anxiety.’ She encourages women to masturbate together in a group and to share their experiences with one another. Women soon realise that they are not alone and that their issues are shared by others too.

We explain all these to women who come to us for tantric massage and have found it to be of special help to women who lack sexual experience. In today’s world, men increasingly expect women to be sexually confident and to know how to please them sexually. Gone are the days when women were supposed to be innocent. Yet we have found that many women who have been married for a long time or have had several lovers, are still often disconnected from their own bodies and really do not know how to give pleasure to themselves or to their partners.

Our aim is to provide a safe space for women to air their concerns and to discover their own bodies—to learn what turns them on at their own pace, without worrying about having to please anyone else, and maybe even to experience an orgasm for the first time in their lives. We also emphasise that orgasm is not the goal. In fact, there is no goal. The objective is to feel our feelings in the moment, in their totality, without the mind’s interference, without extraneous thoughts, without expectations and without blocking the feeling. In this way, we learn what real pleasure is. Women also discover that once they actually feel intense bodily arousal and pleasure, this in itself, is a turn-on for their partner. There is no greater turn-off for a man when he is trying to please his partner, than to see her just lying there and to feel that whatever he does is not having much of an effect on her. That said, men are not mind-readers. Women need to be able to show their partner what they like and don’t like. In order to do this, they must first know themselves what they like, and then have the confidence to show their partner and to also have the confidence and tact to tell him if he is doing things that make her feel uncomfortable. Both partners also need to be relaxed and basically enjoy the moment.

These are the skills we teach women in our tantric massage/tuition sessions. We also offer tuition to couples so that they can practice on each other, with the guidance of a tantric therapist. This encourages a couple to learn in a practical way about what pleases their partner, and also to be entirely honest about what they like and don’t like. While this process of self-exploration and learning to communicate in an honest way sounds so simple, we have found it to be lacking in many. In fact, once the initial hurdles of shyness and embarrassment are overcome, sexual confidence is the natural result. In tomorrow’s article, we will learn more about how men can reap the benefits of tantric massages and how it can boost sexual confidence.

Article republished with permission of Tantric Massage London
Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
Images courtesy of Tantric Massage London
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March 12, 2016
‘Hysteria’ and Tantric Massage
Have you seen the movie Hysteria? It came out a couple of years ago, and a friend contacted to tell me that I must see it.

I must confess that I haven’t seen the film myself yet, but what interested me was that my friend pointed out how very respectable it was for a woman to go to a doctor to receive ‘manual digital relief’ in order to produce a ‘paroxysm of relief’ in Victorian times

The film is about the invention of the vibrator in late-Victorian England and how a society doctor administers manual relief to his wealthy female patients as a cure for hysteria. Back then, ‘hysteria’ was a condition ascribed to women and thought to be caused by disturbances of the uterus. It was a catch-all diagnosis for women suffering from anything ranging from a headache to depression to disobedience (the diagnosis was only finally dropped in the 1950s). In this movie, the doctor develops a ‘masturbator’s elbow’, also known as a carpal tunnel syndrome, and this leads to the invention of the first electric vibrator.

The film’s director, Tanya Wexler, commented, ’They didn’t consider the treatment sexual, because the husband was not involved. They thought the orgasm, or paroxysm as they called it, was purely involuntary … There is something about that time in the 1880s, and just how strict the cultural codes were, that makes it funny … everyone pretended it was a medical thing, not a sexual thing, and they really believed it.’

The practice of stimulation as a means of diagnosis has been going on in doctors’ consulting rooms since 1653 or even earlier, with a midwife sometimes called in to provide assistance. Early machines were then designed to help doctors who felt unable to complete the task manually. Such is the humble and interesting beginnings of the vibrator that has now become the most prolific sex toy of all time.

Yet, this is a contrast to modern perceptions when a man receives a sensual massage or a tantric massage. He still often feels that he has to go for such sessions secretly due to the stigma attached to any form of ‘sensual’ service as it is still not considered ‘respectable’ by the majority of society. The ‘therapeutic’ aspect has still not been truly understood or accepted and unfortunately, naturally there will always be one set of ideas ascribed to women and a very different set for men.

Here at Tantric Massage in London, we offer sessions for both men and women. We believe that the male and female bodies are not that different when it comes to receiving a tantric massage—it is the same process (minus a few technical anatomical details)!

Nowadays when our women clients approach us for tantric ‘tuition’, one of the first things we stress is the importance of getting to know our own body. Betty Dodson, from the US, organises masturbation groups where women get into a circle and are given mirrors so that they can practice masturbation while looking at the own vaginas. Speak of being well acquainted!

Celeste, our masseuse who specialises in tantric tuition is currently in the midst of completing a course in Sexological Bodywork. One of the points she stresses is that better solo sex leads to better partner sex. In other words, a woman needs to know what really turns her on, so that she can communicate that to her partner. Women’s bodies are often a mystery to men and we can’t expect men to know what to do if we don’t know ourselves. We need to be able to communicate verbally and physically with our partner.

People often get into their own sexual ruts through masturbation patterns they have developed over the years, using the same techniques and fantasies. This can lead to seeking more inspiration through sex toys, porn, etc. A tantric massage can allow a man or woman to have more of a total body experience, rather than a quick localised, fleeting feeling. We also teach deep breathing techniques, which help to release physical blocks in the body, and thus enable energy and sensation to spread throughout the entire body.

The fundamentals of achieving more sensation, greater pleasure and full body orgasms come down to:
1. Presence or awareness and quality of touch
2. Experience or knowing oneself
3. Imagination and curiosity
4. Communication.
5. Breath
Celeste emphasises the importance of being curious and creative and changing positions. This also allows us to experiment with different types of touch and become more aware and mindful of the erotic sensations throughout our entire body as well as that of our partner.

We have sure come a long way from going to a doctor or midwife!

Tantric Massage London

Featured image courtesy of Tantric Massage London
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October 27, 2015
Girls everywhere masturbate. So why can’t we talk about it?

This was the title of an article in the Telegraph which I found recently while browsing the internet.

The author, Rebecca Holman, doesn’t say anything about tantric sex or tantric orgasm, but just plain old masturbation. And it struck me that what she was saying was true.

Little by little, over the years, we have become more and more open about what we talk about and what words are allowed on television – and, as the author says, talk about vibrators is fine. We can go and buy them together, and it seems nowadays only a prude would admit to not owning a vibrator.

‘But we never discuss female masturbation on its own, without a purple, glittery, revolving phallus, without a man present, just for the sake of it.’

But men talk about wanking all the time – so why the double standard? It seems that it is the way we talk about it. It’s fine to discuss in sex education classes and in relation to products (toys) and messages regarding spicing up your sex life. But we don’t talk about how to masturbate. We are the generation that talks about ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, but not this.

The author adds that masturbation is fine when it’s for the purpose of male titillation. But does female desire on its own, without a purpose apart from pure pleasure, make us uncomfortable ?

Intrigued by this, I found another article which this time, looks at male misconceptions about female masturbation.

Most men think we masturbate according to the way they have seen it done in porn films. If only they knew that we dont need to wear sexy lingerie to please ourselves. It is often done with bad breath, messy hair and wearing old sweat pants.

And we dont look at photos of male penises – we prefer to think of the person himself… masturbation for women often starts with an erotic thought, not a picture of a penis.

We dont masturbate in groups with our girlfriends, even though men may fantasise about this, and we dont do it standing in front of a mirror.

What we have found in our tantric tuition sessions, here at tantric massage in Kensington, is that very few men, when they first come for a tantric tuition session, really know how to pleasure a woman. Maybe this is a problem of communication. And if women dont talk to their girlfriends about masturbation, it is even less likely that they talk to their male partner about it. Maybe many women just dont know how to pleasure themselves. Or if they do, they do not dare tell their partner that he is doing it wrong. It really is time for all this to come out in the open.

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March 24, 2015
Oohhhh … Tantric Sexual Massages

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It frustrates me that when it comes to carnal desire. I so often hear people charge men of only being interested in one thing, Sex! But this is so not true. Yes men do love to have penetrative sex; its primal; its immensely satisfying when good and ultimately, it can secure our genetic line and because of this it is clearly what biologically we as men are programmed to enjoy as often as possible and with as many (females) as possible. However, what many don’t appreciate—and I include many men in this—is that most men also enjoy and actually need the physical intimate touch that come with the sex as much as the sex itself. In fact, many men find it difficult to perform as confidently as they want to if they do not feel an intimate connection with their partner, be it a female or male.

There is no doubt in my mind that the adage “women have a higher threshold of pain than men” is correct, childbirth makes this necessary but I would go on to say that it appears to me that men have a “lower threshold of pleasure than women”. I have to date, given over 5,000 sensual massages to men and some 200 to women and I can confidently say that from my experience in the arousal states, male bodies generally react and get aroused faster to touch than female bodies.

With the male body I find that it is usually after only 5 to 10 minutes into the massage and often see the clear evidence of arousal. Gentle moans or movements of the body and of course a developing erection is a clear sign and as the massage unfolds, the man will become even more aroused and reactive. These bodily reactions to my touch are immediate when I stroke his back, scratch my nails on his bum or inner thighs or even simply massage his scalp, all of this will make him spontaneously respond with pleasurable sounds or movement. But I believe that there is far more to this than just sexual arousal.

It is clear to me that as the massage unfolds and as my touch stimulates the skin’s sensory nerve endings, triggering the Pituitary gland to release Oxytocin, the hormone cutely called by some, “the love hormone”, the man experiences arousal and erection is usually the result. What I have also noticed is that arousal takes place and so manifests his need to create and intimate connection with me. This may simply be a hand touching my thigh, arm or body or somewhere even more intimate. So I figure that similar in relevance to nature programming pain thresholds to be higher for women to be able to endure childbirth, that this need and desire in men for intimate (reciprocal) touch has also been programmed into the male physiology and psychology for a similar reason. No, his hand reaching out to touch me should not be viewed simply as a predatory sexual approach but more of a genuine desire for connection and to receive approval and acceptance from another.

Most men know that to become completely and fully aroused, most need to feel connected, entitled and wanted of by the other person, be it female or male. Having his own touch welcomed and acknowledged and then reciprocated, particularly when received and given to sensitive and genital areas (the scrotum, perineum, anus) a man unconsciously feels he can trust and feel safe and it is this feeling of safety that triggers his nervous system slide from the fight or flight mode to the rest and relax mode thus removing anxiety, allowing total relaxation of the muscles and mood and consequently give him maximum arousal.

My experience when giving male-to-male massage is that it is this dynamic of intimate connection between men that is as pleasurable as the arousal and eventual orgasm itself. Conversely, when I give sensual massage to female clients after an initial quiet period, I find many women explode into an almost sexual abandonment where they let go completely of themselves to the erotic nature of the massage. For example, in the male to male massage, the effect of cupping and gently stroking his balls and scrotum produces in the receiver not an erotic response but more of a bonding, caring and almost paternal emotion. Tritely, I often say that to test my theory about what men really want, I should stand in Trafalgar Square with a sign offering all the men there two options a) the option of having either a 5 minute fuck or b) to enjoy a 90 minute full body sensual massage that would of course, include and orgasm by hand but not include any penetrative sex. I truly believe that the majority of men, certainly those over the age of 25, would opt for option b!

Demure Debutante to Erotic: The Female Time Bomb

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When I give a sensual massage to a female client, the dynamic of the massage is quite different. Initially, the response to my touch is much slower and more sedated, there is very little display of movement or sound. In fact, the female who does immediately display any response is the exception. However, it is after about 30 minutes that I begin to see quite quickly, the effects of my touch and maybe some movement and moans. But when I start the more erotic touch genital stimulation that is when I see and feel what I call the female “Flip” as the demure deb explodes into the erotic animal. Light sighs become groans of pleasure, gentle movements becomes trashing and straining of limbs and the gentle response to my intimate touch become grabbing and pulling as her energy and attention become rooted in her erotic journey. Again, this is proof of the effect of the oxytocin at work. It causes an initial arousal process but when released into the female body it creates at first a tempered effect, a kind of wariness and an “I like of what you are doing but let me check you out first” feeling, it is only when this passes and when the touch has been assessed and accepted that the decorum deserts, reticence rolls away and is replaced by a full-on primal sexual reaction.

Don’t let it ever be said that women are less sexual than men. If you believe it is men who hold the erotic trump card, you will be wrong. It has to be said that after giving some 200 sensual massages to women, I am still in awe of this experience. Beware guys! Today’s female is changing fast. No longer is it the prerogative of men to be the sexual overseer and it’s not just the young nubile female of the 21st century who is taking control and expressing her deeper desires but in my experience, it is the ladies who are over 35 years old who are the powerhouses of sexual energy. Like a ready time bomb; once the female who has been historically suppressed by cultural, religious or simply social controls lets these fall away, what is revealed is her womanhood in its true glory. But this is not new, only our times and understanding of the female sexuality have changed. During the Victorian era more than 100 years ago; female sexual desire in particular, was just as apparent. The women in the 1850s felt no less sexual desire as a woman of today, but today we understand that for her arousal, orgasm and sexual satisfaction is an essential part of being a female human being. It is not a sign of mental disorder; it is not an indication of being morally corrupt or sacrilegious. It is a simply sign of being a woman and men should embrace and encourage this without question and both parties to enjoy the results.

So go for it girls, reclaim your sexual territory but remember to let the men enjoy being the intimate animals for a while. Given them some tenderness, caress, stroke and care for them and then in return, they will give you all you want in bundles (as long as you show them you want it).

Colin Richards www.massage33.com / www.intimacymatters.co.uk
If you have yet to watch the videos, you can view them at https://vimeo.com/95166258 and https://vimeo.com/94660900.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock
Video courtesy of www.massage33.com
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June 15, 2014
Sensual Massage – Nature’s natural medicine at our fingertips (Part III)
Example of the application of Psychosensual Massage for men with sexual performance issues

Erectile Dysfunction

For many men, the image of self is inevitably linked to a perception of masculinity which in turn involves functioning and performing well sexually. Things can go wrong at any point of the 3 stages of producing and maintaining an erection and can be as a result of either physiological or psychological influences, or often, a combination of both.

First Stage: Sexual arousal, getting sexually stimulated from our thoughts and senses.

Second Stage Erection: The brain communicates the sexual arousal to the body which increases the blood flow to the penis.

Third Stage Erection: Blood vessels that supply the penis relax allowing an increased blood supply to flow into the shafts that produce the erection.

Physiological causes can be due to a variety of conditions such as:   Cardiovascular diseases, Diabetes, Disease of the Nervous System, Aging, Medications, Smoking, Alcoholism, Hormone Imbalance, and can be treated with medical support. However in most cases, the condition can also be influenced by psychological processes and in many cases be the prime reason for intermittent erectile dysfunction. Generally, if involuntary erection occurs during the night, or on waking in the morning but does not occur or is lost during conscious sex (with another or even during masturbation), then other emotional based influences will be the source.

How Can a Psychosensual Massage Help?
The environment of the massage room and the openness of the masseur immediately changes the modus operandi and creates a supportive caring situation where the focus on performance is removed and where the receiver can concentrate on what he is feeling rather than what he is doing. As the massage unfolds, the body becomes further relaxed, with the sensual strokes of the massage encouraging arousal to take place. With anxiety levels low and the body rested, attention on “self” erection will generally occur. However, throughout the massage, the masseur will incorporate certain movements that may mildly raise anxiety thus effecting the erection. By observing and reading these minute changes of the dynamic, the masseur can often interpret the psychological triggers that flick the arousal switch giving an indication as to what emotion is influencing the erection process. At the same time, with the attention on himself, the receiver is also able to become aware of the moments when erection is effected either positively or negatively. Discussion following the massage often reveals a core emotion/reaction that is at the root of the anxiety, enabling further counselling to target better the influencing dynamic and its source.

Premature Ejaculation

What is premature ejaculation?
Definitions of premature ejaculation have ranged from “coming within six thrusts” to “coming within two minutes” and even “coming before your partner”. The last one can be particularly misleading if you have a partner who likes to take up to an hour to reach orgasm.
A simpler definition is that if you come before you want to and you feel you’re not able to control it, then you’re suffering from premature ejaculation (or PE for short).

Bear in mind that most men will come sooner than they’d like on some occasions, particularly if under stress or in situations of very high excitement. Generally, if you are unable to control when you come more than 50 per cent of the time, then it becomes a problem.

Some men may only suffer from PE when they’re having sex. Some feel they come too quickly whatever the stimulation with a partner. Others feel they have little control even when they’re masturbating alone. Men with PE aren’t able to recognise what therapists call the “point of inevitability”. This is a sensation that occurs just a few moments before ejaculation. Men who don’t suffer from PE are able to recognise this sensation and either stop or change stimulation until the urgency has subsided. Very occasionally, premature ejaculation results from a physical condition such as a urinary tract or prostate infection. Recent research suggests that some men may have a physiological predisposition in the nervous system to ejaculate quickly. But for most men, ejaculation will often be quicker in times of stress or ill health.

How Can a Psychosensual Massage Help?  
By providing a calm supportive environment the stress and excitement levels often contributing to PE are lessened considerably. Additionally, by talking through the issues before the massage, anxiety of performance is reduced, so even prior to the arousal the receiver is more calm and relaxed, and thus able to be more aware of his own arousal process. Generally men with PE aren’t able to recognise what therapists call the “point of inevitability”. This is a sensation that occurs just a few moments before ejaculation. Men who don’t suffer from PE are able to recognise this sensation and either stop or change stimulation until the urgency has subsided.

By incorporating with the massage various physical and psychological techniques, the receiver can recognise his own arousal ladder and the speed with at which he climbs to orgasm. Once recognised, he can then apply these techniques when in an intimate situation with a partner. Better communication between himself and the partner of his ascent to arousal will also reduce anxiety and also enable the partner to assist with these techniques.

Inability to Orgasm  
A common sexual complaint among men is the inability to orgasm. There’s a wide range of possible explanations. Physiological causes generally fall into one of the following categories:
- Hypothyroidism: The thyroid gland does not produce enough hormone.
- Hypogonadism: Testicles do not produce enough testosterone.
- Neurological problems: Strokes, multiple sclerosis, and diabetic neuropathy, can limit your ability to orgasm.
- Physical injuries: Spinal cord injuries and other major wounds can have an effect.
- Prostate problems: These include infections or surgery affecting the prostate or other pelvic organs.
How Can a Psychosensual Massage Help  ?

Psychological reasons may also be part or in some cases the main reason: These may include depression, anxiety, or a panic disorder of some kind and massage can be used an effective way to lessen these. By putting the sufferer in a rested state and reducing the anxiety around the need to perform allows arousal to build without fearful interference. The caring intimate nature of the massage builds trust and with this trust the “triggers” that are required to release the orgasm can function better. However it may take several sessions for total relaxation to take place so a series of appointments over a few weeks can be more effective.

If you have any questions for Colin related to this subject or on any other sexual performance related issues, Colin will be delighted to answer them. He can be contacted at colin@intimacymatters.co.uk
April 10, 2014
Sensual Massage – Nature’s natural medicine at our fingertips (Part II)
Skin – the biggest sensory & sexual organ in the body

How is it possible that touch can be one of most effective means to influence the structures and functions of body and mind? The answer lies in the skin. The skin is the largest sensory organ of the body, arising in a human embryo from the same ectodermic cell layers as the nervous system. In the evolution of the senses, touch is earliest to develop.

Skin statistics – 19 sq ft of pleasure

In an adult male, there are 19 square feet of skin which contains 5 million sensory cells and represents 12 % of total body weight. Skin is softer in the summer – the pores are wider and there is greater lubrication. In winter it’s more compact and firm, the pores are closer together and hair sheds less. A piece of skin the size of a 5p has: more than 3 million cells, 100-340 sweat glands, 50 nerve endings and three feet of blood vessels.  Skin contains hundreds of thousands of sensory receptors, which are triggered by skin stimuli. Skin, so closely tied to the nervous system, sends messages to our brain via the spinal cord – heart rate and blood pressure react. Appropriate touches can prompt the brain to produce endorphins, the body’s natural pain suppressors, which are considered more powerful than morphine. This is why massage can help ease pain.

The Benefits of having a Sensual or Psychosensual Massage

Make time

For many of us life, is “all about the other” and not ourselves. We have been persuaded that to care for ourselves is self indulgent even selfish, that to ensure our position within society, we must look after everyone else’s needs first and only when we believe that they are satisfied can we care for ourselves – but does this ever happen? If we are all caring for the other, then can we ever be satisfied ourselves? Instead of living our lives 95% for others, we should aim for at least 60/40 and taking a regular massage is well invested time, closing the door on the rest of the world and focussing on the SELF.

Safe relaxing non judgemental environment  

The quiet relaxed environment of the massage room and a warm friendly manner of the masseur gives a feeling of safety that will reduce sub-conscious psychological warning systems, (often linked to childhood conditioning) and as we begin to relax, the levels of anxiety decrease, encouraging our bodies to relax.

Openness and understanding

Giving a clear description of the massage process and explaining its level of sensuality will continue to reduce the anxiety. Understanding our motivation for wanting the massage, being able to be honest and open with the masseur about our fantasies, fears and needs without feeling judged, all goes to helping us feel able to let go and receive.

A journey from tension and stress through arousal and orgasm to ultimate relaxation

Both a sensual massage or a psychosensual massage should be given slowly and seductively, with the masseur taking the client on a 4 part journey from the state of tension they often arrive in through relaxation and arousal to the orgasmic high and eventual fulfilment. Each phase of the massage has its particular focus and motivation. The main difference with the latter from the former is that the Psychosensual Massage is given with a focus on working with and during the massage, observing any sexual performance or sexual intimacy issues, and given by a therapist who has had additional training in psychosexual work. The sensual massage is generally taken by men or women, or couples who are simply looking to relax and rejuvenate and possibly explore sensual intimate touch in a total and complete way, given by a masseur who has been trained in both therapeutic massage and sensual massage techniques.

The Sensual Massage Phases
- Stage 1: Sensual Therapeutic phase
- Stage 2: Gentle Arousal phase
- Stage 3: Sensual Arousal phase
- Stage 4: Erotic and Orgasmic phase
Sensual Therapeutic Phase  

The Sensual Therapeutic phase lasts about 20 minutes and is focused on the shoulders and back of the upper body. The aim is to encourage the client into a further relaxed state. With the use of light touch, feathers and soft caring touches combined with more traditional deep tissue muscle work, causing the client to further to “let go”. The combination of soft strokes with stronger deeper massage generates a confidence within the client and a genuine feeling of being cared for. This is followed by gentle teasing of the more intimate areas of the body making the skins sensory preceptors to send signals to the brain, the brain responds by stimulating the body’s para-sympathetic nervous system (relax and rest mode) and the massage progresses into the Gentle Arousal Phase.

Gentle Arousal phase  

By now the client is usually well on the sensual journey, still aware of what is taking place but beginning to “drift away”, losing themselves to the sensations of the massage. Further exploration into the intimate crevices of the body namely the neck, armpits, groin and pelvic areas are all stimulated. Arousal begins to increase usually causing erection (men) and lubrication (women), accompanied by deeper breathing and some involuntary movements of the body. The skin becomes more sensitive as body contact between the masseur and client increases. And the brain begins to drifts in and out of awareness.

The Sensual Arousal phase

During this phase direct contact with the genitals takes place, in the male the penis (now erect) and scrotum. In women, the outer lips of the vagina and areas around the groin and anus are lightly touched and massaged. Careful notice is taken not to take the client to orgasm but to hold them at a high level of arousal then falling back to relaxation and back again to high arousal, this is done several times. During this phase in the massage the client is encouraged to be self focussed enjoying the stimulation and to not worry about their “performance” or the “other”, however for some, physical contact with the masseur preferred and since when an “intimate connection” is made, arousal can increase considerably.

Orgasm to Relaxation  

The male sexual response cycle consists of excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. The first 3 phases of this massage cover the first two elements of this cycle. During this phase of the massage, the body and mind becomes paradoxically, both deeply relaxed and highly aroused, this contradictory state causes the bodies’ nervous system to oscillate between its sympathetic and para-sympathetic modes as the mind focuses on the sensations of the final ascent to orgasm. At the pinnacle of orgasm, control is given over to the primal response of orgasm and in men (ejaculation) the muscles tense, the breathing increases, often the client becomes more verbal emitting pleasurable moans. Orgasms are usually a combination of peripheral (genital or extra-genital) stimulation and a mental “letting go.” Neurologically speaking, it is accepted that the pathways  for ejaculation and orgasm are under a tonic inhibitory influence, and that the release of this inhibition is cerebrally influenced. Without this release, the normal  orgasmic and ejaculatory reflexes cannot be expressed. With the final orgasmic rush comes a massive release of energy, triggering the immediate after effect of relaxation when the male body, immediately following ejaculation, falls back into the deep state of resolution. The body relaxes, and encouraged by stroking of the head and scalp, the body quickly falls in to “rest, relax and re-cooperate mode”. With the drifting into a deep state of subconsciousness, and even light sleep.

To be continued…

If you have any questions for Colin related to this subject or on any other sexual performance related issues, Colin will be delighted to answer them. He can be contacted at colin@intimacymatters.co.uk
April 9, 2014
Sensual Massage – Nature’s natural medicine at our fingertips (Part I)

Touch of the ancients

For centuries and in many early cultures, massage was an accepted and common healing treatment. As early as the 3rd century BC Chinese Taoist Priests to the 1st cent BC Indian Tantra Gurus, to the Greeks, and later the Romans, even to the more remote tribes on Pacific islands, massage with oils (often given infused with herbs and flowers) was an integral part of maintaining a healthy life. It was seen to help recovery from an ailment, calm the body and mind after a hectic day of battle, politics or sport, as a treatment for better skin condition and of course within Tao and Tantra philosophies, used to enhance the understanding and sensual communication between lovers. But most importantly, these ancients held no distinction between sensual or non sensual, believing that “if it felt good then it must be good” and that the sensual process which ultimately creates life is sacred and quite natural, and should be embraced and not feared.

Massage remained common through the first millennium then gradually, particularly in Western Cultures due to religious doctrine, the emergence of science as the only accepted healing treatment, and then the later puritanical Victorian values and right up to the present day “can’t touch” culture, touch became demonised and viewed mostly in a sexual context, unless given within relationship. This meant that for the last few hundred years right up to the late 20th century, if you were not in a functioning intimate partnership, the only means of receiving touch was either medicinal treatment (such as rubbing a remedy balm in to the chest for colds) or in polarity as a sexual service given by escorts and prostitutes, making the word massage a euphemism for sexual favours.

Touch in 21st century – The stigma of touch

Many of us are fortunate to be in a loving intimate relationship with a partner, where sensual touch is given to each other often as a prelude to sex or just to show the love for one another. However, for those not in a relationship or for those whose relationship has become non intimate and physically distant, intimate touch can be illusive, with the only means of finding it by seeking “a treatment”. Some simply go to the hairdresser or the beautician, some visit the sports or therapeutic masseur or other body therapies that are now available, and for some, the choice is a furtive sexual liaison that allows them to touch and be touched even for just a short moment. But the touch in these situations is mostly given conditionally and without feeling. The therapist will painstakingly remain clinical to avoid any impression of intimacy, the hairdresser will remain chatty lest that lovely feeling of having the scalp massaged is misunderstood and the brief sexual encounter will remain mechanical for fear that any intimacy shown may imply the desire for relationship.  Many societies in the modern West are “touch-starved”. We actively discourage the kind of affection that is expressed naturally in other cultures. It’s socially unacceptable to touch. There is an unwritten rule that says the less you know someone, the further away you must be. Think about being on a train. When another passenger gets on, the last place they will choose to sit is next to an occupied seat. Only when there is no other option, will they actually sit next to someone else.

All too often, when we hear about touch, it is in the context of pornography, even abuse and violence. We go out of the way to ignore or deny the need for a caring touch, and because our bodies remain imprinted with that basic needs, we live with the consequences: reduced well being, fear, depression, insecurity, abusiveness, mental illnesses. The high levels of publicity given to sexual abuse over recent years have been a great deterrent for healthy touching. We’re afraid of touching because our actions might be misinterpreted – hence children are deprived of appropriate touch at a very early age. Our response has been analogous to that of the person who having eaten some bad food, decides that the best course of action in the future is not to eat at all, rather than ensuring that what is eaten is healthy.  So too it is with touch. There’s the rotten variety, which will make us ill, but there’s also the nourishing, wholesome kind, which is the staff of life itself. Please, let’s not allow the existence of harmful touch to lead us to deprivation.

  How important is touch?  

The words that spring to mind are – crucial, critical and vital. Literally vital, as without appropriate touch, people cannot grow and develop. Touch is powerful . “The greatest sense in our body is our touch sense. It’s probably the chief sense in processes of sleeping and waking; it gives us our knowledge of depth or thickness and form; we feel, we love and hate, are touchy and are touched, through … our skin”  (J Lionel Tayler “The Stages of Human Life” 1921)  Touch is instinct. When a baby cries, the instinct is to pick up, rock, pat and soothe. When you bang your elbow, its instinctive to grab it and rub it. Touch is an unthinking part of our everyday language, we say – rub up the wrong way, out of touch/lost their grip, thick skinned or thin skinned, the personal touch when something is exactly right. We’ve “put a finger on it” maybe most telling of all, when someone’s moving away, we say “keep in touch”, even when what we mean is write or phone.  Dictionary definition of “Touch” is “the action or an act of feeling something with the hand etc.”  The operative word is “feeling”. Though touch is not in itself an emotion, its sensory elements induce those feelings we describe as emotions. A comforting hand on the shoulder of someone who is distressed produces a very different emotional reaction to an apprehending touch on the shoulder of a miscreant. The touch of someone’s hand, the closeness of an embrace, and the connection of personal contact signify caring and comforting. Feelings of security, safety, and easiness are amplified. Touching builds closeness, fosters communication, and nurtures intimacy. Touching gives a person a sense of being cared about and cared for. Being touched or held makes a person psychologically feel worthy and physically feel soothed.

What is touch?

Touch is contact, a relationship with that which lies outside our own periphery. It tells us we’re not alone. As infants, it’s primarily through touch that we explore and make sense of the world; the loving touch of our carers is essential to growth. The cuddling and stroking received in infancy helps build a healthy self image and nurtures the feeling of being accepted and loved. Psychologists have demonstrated that our perception of how much and how we are touched relates to how we value ourselves, it’s the essential nourishment for self-esteem.  Touch is much more than a physical interaction. It has to do with the acknowledgement of our shared humanness and mutual recognition of the inherent vulnerability and intense wish for contact that is present in each of us. When we feel loved as a result of an abundance of appropriate touch and affection in our lives, we have an inbuilt sense of safety and inner stability that does not depend upon how other people respond to us. We wake up feeling loved, and go to sleep feeling loved – no matter what slings and arrows get hurled at us in any given day.

Touch deprivation – what happens if we’re not touched?

The 13th century historian Salimbene described an experiment made by the German Emperor Frederick II, who wanted to know what language children would speak if raised without hearing any words at all. Babies were taken from their mothers and raised in isolation. The result was that they all died. Salimbene wrote in 1248, “They could not live without petting.” Nor can anyone else. Untouched adults may not die physically, but life will not be experienced to the fullest.  Touch deprivation is also harmful because it severely affects sleep, which is necessary for the conservation of energy. In all studies on separations of very young children from their mothers, sleep was always affected. The time children required to fall asleep was longer, and night waking was more frequent.  In several studies, a suppressed immune response was noted following the separation of monkeys from their mothers. Less antibody production and less natural killer cell activities resulted. After reunion with their mothers, immune function returned to normal. Studies on touch deprivation among pre-school children who were separated from their mothers also noted more frequent illnesses, particularly upper respiratory infections, diarrhoea and constipation.  This is the same for adults.  26 adults with migraine headaches randomly assigned to a massage therapy group, received twice-weekly 30-minute massages for 5 consecutive weeks; they reported fewer distress symptoms, less pain, more headache free days, fewer sleep disturbances, taking fewer analgesics and also increased serotonin levels.

Why do we love to be touched? Is it Primal?

The need for intimate touch is primal; for millennia man, maybe even before he had the powers of speech, more than likely used touch as a form of group communication. By nature we are a tribal species, we need each other to survive, for the first 10 or so years of our lives we are extremely vulnerable we need others to protect us, feed and care for us and it is through touch which we are reassured that we belong to the group, that we are safe. It identifies our place in the group hierarchy.

Natures example, the Bonobo monkey shares 98% of our genetic make-up and is regarded as the closest primate to the human being, and sex and intimate touch is the key to the social life of the Bonobo. For them it is is a major part of their group dynamic, therefore it is not so difficult to believe that the natural state of the human being is very similar. As studied by Frans B.M.de Wall and reported in March 1995 issue of the Scientific American. “The diversity of erotic contacts in bonobos includes sporadic oral sex, massage of another individual’s genitals and intense tongue-kissing. Lest this leave the impression of a pathologically oversexed species, I must add, based on hundreds of hours of watching bonobos, that their sexual activity is rather casual and relaxed. It appears to be a completely natural part of their group life. Like people, bonobos engage in sex only occasionally, not continuously”. Bonobo Sex and Society by Frans B. M. de Waal, [read more]

To be continued…

If you have any questions for Colin related to this subject or on any other sexual performance related issues, Colin will be delighted to answer them. He can be contacted at colin@intimacymatters.co.uk

April 8, 2014
The long and often slippery road to finding a good Sensual Massage
Massage is for Real Men

It is said that real men don’t cry or wear their hearts on their sleeves. Real men are resilient and stoic, that they shun sensuality and intimacy in preference to instant gratifications. It is also said that real men don’t seek professional help for their psychological aches and pains or emotional fears. And so, when it has come to reducing their stress, this has traditionally limited their options for treatment, instead, relying on a hard session at the gym or the pub to eradicate the anxieties that engulf them in today’s competitive image conscious society.

Massage is on the “up”

Therefore, it should come as no surprise that according to the International Spa Association, the number of men who have visited Spas in the last five years has grown by 900%. Spas are now socially accepted, and are of course extremely enjoyable. Londoners recently admitted that a Spa treatment helped them relax better than a Friday night at the pub and it is massage that is at the top of the list for chosen treatments for men.

The challenges for men having a massage

As every man who has experienced massage knows it can be an encounter of mixed feelings. On the one hand to have your body and muscles worked deep and to feel the intimate touch of another’s hands, male or female, is a wonderfully relaxing therapeutic sensation. On the other hand it can also be an experience fraught with anxiety and tension, since with even the most expert hands at work, many men become acutely aware of the rumbling sensations of arousal as the body responds and with it the fear of obvious visual detection and subsequent embarrassment.

Sensual Massage – more than just a “rub & tug”

Getting a “hard on” during a regular massage is probably every man’s nightmare, particularly if the treatment is clearly designed only to be therapeutic. The embarrassment is compounded more so if the masseur has not brought up the subject of potential arousal and through their own awkwardness to the subject, leaves it as an unspoken “demon” that hangs in the air throughout the whole proceedings!

It is because of this that many men will avoid having massages at all, but increasingly more and more men are discovering the availability, pleasure and safety of receiving a Sensual Massage that is designed to include both proper muscle work and allows, sometimes even encourages, full arousal often to orgasm. The internet now gives plenty of opportunity to find a sensual massage, but how do clients find a masseur who is both trained in massage and comfortable to include intimate erotic touch as part of the treatment?

Spot the “Givers” from the “Takers”

With none of the official massage schools broad-minded enough to train practitioners on how to give sensual massage, clients are generally reliant on their own initiative when searching the pages and pages of adverts. Often, sensual massage will be couched in “Tantric” language, which much to the dismay to true Tantra teachers, has become a bi word for erotic massage. Just because it talks of “Lingums” and “Wands of Light”, it does not necessarily mean you will receive a professional massage. So for those men who do want to enjoy a sensual massage given by a professional, here are a few tips on how to sort the genuine “givers” from the “takers”.

10 Tips on how to find a good sensual masseur
1. Has the masseur got their own web site? – Generally, if they have invested effort and money in a web site then they will be more serious about their work. The better the web site, the more professional the masseur.
2. Ask if the masseur has been trained by a legitimate massage school in either Therapeutic, Swedish or Sports Massage – A tip is to ask if they include Effleurage or Petrissage strokes in the massage. Any properly trained masseur will know these correct terms for long flowing strokes and kneading movements.
3. Ask for a full description of what the massage will or won’t include, if they indicate that they do not offer sexual services then they will more than likely be genuine in their approach.
4. Do they display client testimonials on the web site? – Of course it’s easy to make these up but usually the genuine testimonials can be spotted rather than those self-written.
5. Beware of discounts – A good sensual masseur does not usually need to give discounts.
6. Don’t go for anything less than 60 minutes – 75 or 90 is the usual length of a full body sensual massage. Offering 30 minutes generally means only one thing!
7. Do they have their own massage studio or do they just offer “out calls”? – A proper massage can really only be given on a massage bed or possibly a yoga mat, beds are not suitable whether hotel or home and generally implies that the massage will slip quite quickly into something more sexual and then finish as soon as the client reaches orgasm with no discount for reduced time.
8. Look for “talent” not “tit”. Don’t get swayed by erotic suggestive pictures of the masseurs, take notice of the more professionally presented masseurs.
9. Look at their operating times – If it’s predominantly a late night service then it will be more “tug” than “rub”
10. If you can, when making the enquiry, speak to the masseur themselves, a lot can be understood from their level of spoken English and knowledge of their service
11. Go with your “gut”. If you don’t feel right, don’t book. If you feel iffy on the phone, imagine what you will feel like when they have their hands on you.
12. And finally, NEVER be afraid to walk away before the massage begins. If the venue, cleanliness and atmosphere makes you uncomfortable, even if you have to pay a cancellation fee, it’s better to be out-of-pocket than out of your depth!
If you have any questions for Colin related to this subject or on any other sexual performance related issues, Colin will be delighted to answer them. He can be contacted at colin@intimacymatters.co.uk
March 5, 2014