In our practice, we have found that many men, especially from India and Arab countries, suffer from premature ejaculation because sex before marriage is still often considered a taboo in these places and so since young, they’ve learned the norm is to masturbate secretly and in a hurry. Upon getting married, they find that they have premature ejaculation and don’t know what to do about it. Their wives cannot help because they are similarly lacking in experience and we find that when they come to us and learn to give one another a tantric massage, the couple experiences sex as a total revelation when they learn to slow down and savour the moment.
Premature ejaculation is often a habitual and psychological pattern, and so men need to be encouraged to last longer. We teach them a deep breathing technique which helps them remain more in their bodies, and less in their thoughts. And then we give them a slightly arousing sensual massage and ask them to tell us when they think they are on the brink. We then slow down and slowly bring them up to the brink again. We do this several times and gradually, a man begins to become more confident in himself as he sees his old patterns breaking up and he lasts longer, almost effortlessly. It is helpful if his partner can watch this process or be aware of it so that they can practice the same at home.
Nowadays, in our heavily materialistic culture, many men are under so much pressure at work that they are now experiencing an inability to get an erection, or to maintain one, or they have very weak erections. This causes a domino effect when they then drink too much coffee, alcohol, or take drugs, which makes things even worse and by the time they come to us, they are often unable to relax at all. Many are on anti-depressants which makes it difficult to orgasm, and this perpetuates a self-fulfilling cycle of lack of sexual confidence. All the more so because they have an expectation that they should be the perfect lover and to be able to stay hard for hours and be able to give their partner a mind-blowing orgasm.
Men need to take time off away from work and meetings to relax totally. That is why we consider it important that they receive a real massage and not just a soft feathery type variant. When individuals are really stressed, they need a deeper massage to get rid of the physical knots in the body. We also teach them to breathe properly from the diaphragm, and this deep breathing automatically helps the mind to calm down. We encourage them to watch their thoughts and not to identify with them. This is a basic meditation practice which helps to stop circular thinking, or the repetition of the same thoughts which is essentially what happens when someone is too stressed.
In this way, the individual can begin to feel his feelings again without thoughts getting in the way. He can then begin to feel turned on and to discover that it was all due to external factor and there is, in fact, absolutely nothing wrong with him. It is a real relief for a man to discover that he has not lost his sexual potency.
Some men are also able to experience an internal orgasm without ejaculation, which is a very powerful experience, and leaves the body shaking with pleasure and total relaxation as the energy flows unimpeded throughout the inner channels of the body. Women can also experience this type of whole body orgasm and it can give someone an immense feeling of of peace, bliss and sexual confidence.
Intimacy, connection and the quality of conscious touch
When we become too wrapped up in our thoughts, this can act out in unconscious ways. We become led by the mind, instead of by our true intuition and feeling. And so there may be a tendency to touch one another in an uncomfortable, unpleasant or insensitive way. Many people need to be taught how to touch one another with awareness, consciousness and subtlety. They also need to be taught where to touch and what the opposite sex actually enjoys. When we are touched in a particular way, our heart tends to open and we feel that the other person really cares for us, that there is a true connection and a feeling of intimacy and oneness arises between us.
Our therapists often need to take the hand of a male client and show him how to touch, and tell him what feels good and what doesn’t. A woman’s vagina can be a source of mystery to men. The same applies to female clients We are often amazed to see beautiful women and men who appear so confident on the outside, but who really don’t know how and where to touch one another! We often encourage them to practice on their partner, to give one another a tantric massage, and show them how to touch and what strokes to use. In addition, we encourage them to give each other truthful feedback. We have found that long-term couples can sometimes be most honest with one another in such sessions.
Ultimately as these tools are used and practiced, men and women can then experience their inner feelings in a more total way. They learn to trust them more and develop the courage to become more deeply invested themselves. That confidence encourages them to experiment and to try out new things because variety is also important in a sex life. As we become more conscious, total, alive and integrated, we set clearer boundaries in our relationship with others. We learn to communicate honestly, without offending the other. It also becomes easier to relate, and to actually feel not only arousal, but also intimacy, love and connection in our heart. This is how sexual confidence gradually develops. This confidence can then be integrated into a healthy, conscious and mindful way of being. And this … this is the benefit of receiving a tantric massage.
Article republished with permission of Tantric Massage London
Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
Images courtesy of Tantric Massage London
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