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Tag: Masturbation

  • Masturbation: A Series on How to Get You Off (Part II)

    Masturbation: A Series on How to Get You Off (Part II)

    Part 2 – Erogenous Mind

    I’m going to turn you on. You need to be turned on before you have a rumble in the jungle or a play in the hay so let’s get together and get excited. Right now.

    I’m not interested in your gender, your sexual preference or your body shape. I am interested in who you are and what makes you tick. I am fascinated by your humanness and captured by your ability to stay present with me in this moment. I am aroused by your sense of self and I am stirred by this connection we are developing right now. I’m horny. Are you horny?

    See how simple that was? Notice how you feel now compared to how you felt before you started to read. This demonstrates the power of your imagination. This also shows you just how connected your body is to your imagination. Masturbating is not just about stimulating your cock/clit and cumming. Quickies are all well and good but come on—don’t you want more than that? (and incidentally, if you happen to not have genitals*, your entire body is an erogenous zone so stick with me kid, all will be revealed…). No, masturbation is like meditation; it’s about getting to know yourself.

    Getting to know you is like getting to know your lover, it takes time, patience and a great deal of chocolate body paint.

    Setting the Scene:

    A few months ago, I posted a series about masturbation on my blog. As part of this series I discussed ‘Setting the Scene’ which involved taking a bubble bath, lighting candles, turning the bed sheets down etc. One of the comments from a fellow blogger saddened me: ‘Who has the time to do all that?’ I say it again: masturbation is like getting to know a lover. You are your own lover and would you not make the effort before making love to someone else? Then why not for yourself? What does it say about your self-esteem if you can’t be arsed? Exactly. So please take a few moments to set the scene (or ask your PA/carer/sex worker to do it for you):

    • Light some candles in your bedroom or wherever you prefer to make love to yourself
    • Scent the room using scented candles or use an aromatherapy burner (preferred)
    • Dim the lights/close the curtains/drapes
    • Put some preferred horny/romantic/steamy music on
    • Take a warm bath* with scented oils, preferably natural essential oils
    • Take your time, think about the room you have prepared waiting for you
    • Stimulate* your nipples, armpits, torso and earlobes by trickling water over them.
    • Gently wash your genitals using your hands/fingers and a soft cloth/sponge. Feel the difference and notice the change in sensation. Feel it. Even reading this now in preparation—feel it. Good isn’t it? I told you it would be.

    I am not usually this prescriptive and you will probably never see me reaming off lists for you to follow again but I am deliberately making a point here—you really are worth this much effort. Furthermore, you really are worth taking your time over. When you lead up to your self pleasure in this way, it can only be a good thing. It can only tantalise you even more and send tingles shooting up your spine. It can only teach you just how much you deserve it. It’s like those butterflies in the stomach before a hot date or an exciting trip. Those butterflies that tell the rest of your body that something wonderful is about to happen … and yes, I’m going to do it again (leave you high and dry): until next time.

    *Or ask your PA/carer/sex worker to do this for you. In the absence of genitals, stimulate other areas of your body in the same way. See how this feels and notice what changes occur from the stimulus of the water/cloth.

    Matt xXx

    NB Please seek medical advice before attempting the exercises mentioned in this article should you require this. Matt cannot be held responsible for any adverse effects experienced as a result of not taking this advice and this article is not to be used in replacement of medical, psychological or emotional support.

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  • Awesome Toys: Dildos and Vibrators

    Awesome Toys: Dildos and Vibrators

    When I was walking up from the beach this Saturday, they were cleaning the hotel next to where I live. As I walked by, a cleaning lady in her late fifties came out carrying some boxes. I said hi and she said. “Look at what people buy, just look.”

    She showed me one of the boxes and it was a vibrator. I laughed and said. “At least they have fun on their vacations.” The woman stared at me and said, “Fun? They are perverts.” She threw the boxes in a big bin and walked back inside.

    There is nothing perverted about owning a vibrator or two. Actually, I think every single woman and couple should have one in the bedroom drawer and I’ll tell you why.

    Sex toys are to improve your sex life, not to substitute it. Some men think that if a woman has a dildo or a vibrator, she doesn’t need or want a man. This is completely wrong. Men masturbate using their hands, and so do women, but at some point in time thousands of years ago, someone very intelligent figured out that it would be much more fun to have a penis shaped object to use. The first dildos were made of stone, tar and wood which were very hard and uncomfortable. As humans progressed, other materials were used and today, these are made from plastic, rubber and their derivatives.

    If you are a young woman, owning a dildo is a good way to become comfortable with your erogenous zones. You can explore your own sexuality at home any time you want, and thanks to the internet, you don’t even have to go to a sex shop and buy one. You can have it delivered to your door. There is nothing wrong with masturbating and using a toy to give you that extra pleasure.

    Couples can explore each other using one and before you say, “Men can’t use a vibrator,” let me tell you, yes they can. I am not talking about asking or telling your man to get on the bed and then sodomize him (he might like it). No, what I’m talking about is something sensual. Place the tip of the vibrator just under his glans and keep it there for a while. You will notice how he begins to squirm and make all kinds of noises and then, he reaches an orgasm. You have driven him to the top and over without using your hands or mouth. The best thing about this technique is that he will take a lot longer to reach an orgasm than if you were to use other methods.

    The basic dildo is a cylinder shaped object either in plastic or rubber. I recommend one in latex; very smooth. A vibrator is similar but as the name suggests, it vibrates. You can chose different speeds while you masturbate. Both of these can also be found in the form of a penis, small, medium size or big. I prefer these models because they have the right feeling when used.

    You can also use a cock ring which is placed around the base of his penis and will help him maintain an erection for a longer time. I saw one model which had a little vibrating tip, which touched the clitoris when the man is deep inside the woman.

    A vibrator is also a great way to warm up before anal sex. The man uses it to massage the woman’s anus so she relaxes and he can enter her easier. On the same topic, remember that a man’s anus is also very sensitive and if you use a small vibrator or just a finger, his orgasm will be much stronger. Most men are not into having their woman stick anything up their bums, but try to convince him. I’m sure he will thank you after. You can even buy a special prostrate massage for even greater pleasure.

    Apart from the usual vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, etc., there are handcuffs, whips and all kinds of fun stuff to play with. It all depends on what you are into. A friend of mine likes dressing up for her husband. At times, she is a secretary, a nurse, or a hot waitress.To sum it all up, if you don’t have a vibrator or a dildo at home, get one. If you are into S&M, bondage or anything similar, go shopping for that. Have a masquerade every weekend and dress up. Surprise each other, people!

    A final note for the man who wants to buy a vibrator for his lady: Do not assume that we like that big 12 inch thing, most of us don’t. Buy something of a normal size. That way, we can really enjoy it and if we want, we will ask for something bigger.

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  • Masturbation: A Series on How to Get You Off (Part I)

    Masturbation: A Series on How to Get You Off (Part I)

    Part 1 – Getting Started

    You know me by now (don’t you?) so you will know that I don’t just operate at the physical level so expect the unexpected during this series of articles on Self Pleasure. After all, we can’t really get what we need from our lovers until we know exactly which buttons to press for ourselves first. Are you ready? Then we shall begin …

    First and foremost let me tell you something … come closer… are you leaning in? I’m going to whisper into your ear: this series of articles—and all that I write—is for everybody. I do my best to be as inclusive as possible and if I fuck up, do feel free to get in touch and I will modify my work (and my attitude) accordingly. What often frustrates me about sex work, the erotic arts, sex education and indeed the world at large is that everything seems to be aimed at the mainstream. There is often the assumption that whoever is reading the article or leafing through the book is white, heterosexual, young, able-bodied, middle class (sorry, it’s the Brit in me), slim, gorgeous and either in a relationship or actively seeking one. One size does not fit all and I really, really want you to know something: you, are, welcome here.

    Great to meet you!

    Right, let’s jump straight in, firstly let me say something about masturbating using your hands: you might not have any or you may find it difficult or impossible to reach your genitals. There are ways around this which will become clear but I want to take this moment to introduce the concept of using someone else as your hands. If you are physically challenged, you might already have a PA or a carer and they might just be willing to assist you in this way. If they are not comfortable with this or you would prefer someone else to do it, do think about employing the services of a professional sex worker and do think about using aids and adaptations that can assist you on the trip into the unknown pleasures of masturbation … Matt-at-Lotus style 🙂

    Way before we even need our hands (or someone else’s), I’m going to take you on a journey.

    This road trip begins in the mind. Have you ever climaxed without touching yourself? I have. I have also climaxed lying next to somebody, fully clothed with just one finger on each others’ sacrum. This often followed a long, intense and stimulating conversation, period of stroking, gazing into each others’ eyes and/or just lying there staring into space either alone or with someone just feeling—really really feeling—the body in which I reside.

    Can you feel it?

    Can you feel that tingle in your nether regions? Are you surprised by the heat starting to erupt from the center of your chest? This is called getting to know yourself energetically (okay okay, I just made that up) and is always the starting point for great masturbation and fantastic sex.

    I’m going to leave you there.
    Yes, that’s right. I’m leaving you high and dry. Until next time. I’m such a tease …

    Matt xXx

    NB: Please seek medical advice before attempting the suggestions mentioned in this article should you require this. Matt cannot be held responsible for any adverse effects experienced as a result of not taking this advice and this article is not to be used in replacement of medical, psychological or emotional support.

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  • Is Female Masturbation Still Considered a Taboo?

    Is Female Masturbation Still Considered a Taboo?

    I’m generally not one for women’s magazines, but I recently took a holiday which, from my home in Krakow, involved a 15-hour journey, split over two consecutive days. Preferring something light to read when I go away, I bought the October issue of Glamour magazine, primarily because there was an article on ’10 new things to do in bed’. (As an erotica writer, new ideas are always welcome.) On the first leg of my journey, I read an intriguing article by Jenny Mollen about masturbation, specifically about how it is still considered taboo to admit to masturbating, and that we need to shake off the shackles and be more open about the fact that we do do it.

    I’m not sure how far I agree with Mollen. A couple of points she makes in the article are definitely true. For example, she mentions that if a man admits to masturbating six times a day, this is considered normal whereas if a woman declared the same thing she would be thought of as weird. This, I completely agree with: for some reason it’s still widely accepted that men have larger sexual appetites than women and that they have a harder time controlling them, despite evidence to the contrary.

    Mollen also says that women don’t talk about masturbation with their friends. They may talk about owning vibrators, but won’t go into specific details. I agree with her on this point too. But do we need to go into specifics? I’m not a prude, I’m very comfortable talking about sex and, if anyone asks, I’m very open about masturbating. But that doesn’t mean everyone is that comfortable and it definitely doesn’t mean they need a blow-by-blow account of my masturbatory sessions, the same way they don’t need details about other aspects of my life; my periods, for example. If it was a partner, that would be different: I would most definitely go into detail then. But there is a time and a place for that kind of conversation and it’s not down the pub, saying to your mates ‘I had a cracking wank this morning.’

    As for the whole reason for the article, I’m not sure how much of a taboo it really is anymore. Admittedly (as I said before) it’s still more socially acceptable for men to admit to solo play than women and there will always be those so prudish or so embarrassed about the topic that they’d rather scoff and criticise than just admit that they too masturbate (if you’re one of those people who says they don’t do it, I have one thing to say to you—you’re lying. Either that or a nun.) But generally speaking I think—especially with the rise in popularity of sex toys—female masturbation is really a non-issue. I’ve certainly never encountered any dodgy looks or snide remarks when talking about the subject.

    Mollen makes one excellent point: masturbation is not talked about in sex education. We learn about the mechanics, we learn about contraception, we learn about saying no until we’re ready. But no mention of masturbation. Mollen believes talking about it will break down whatever barriers there are; I also think it’s a necessary part of sex education. How is someone supposed to pleasure you if you don’t know what you like in the first place?

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  • 4 Masturbation Tips To Try Tonight

    4 Masturbation Tips To Try Tonight

    Most experts will tell you that masturbation is an essential part of a healthy sex life. In my opinion, getting yourself off can be just as hot as sex with a partner. I like to think of masturbation as sex with myself. After all, who knows my body better than me? I know just the way I like to be touched and it’s an enthralling experience to focus on nothing but my own pleasure.

    Not only does masturbating feel very good, but it also supplies a sexual release and I believe it has other benefits as well. First off, I think it can make you a better lover. When you masturbate you get to know your body better, which improves your sexual experiences in so many ways. Regular self-relief also allows the male to last longer, which allows more time for his partner to achieve climax. Studies show that regular masturbation offers health benefits as well. It’s a great stress reliever, boosts mood by releasing neurochemicals, and strengthens your pelvic wall, which helps prevent incontinence and erectile dysfunction.

    Now that we’ve reviewed all the reasons you should be masturbating, let’s go over some ways to improve on your overall masturbation experience:

    1.  Set The Mood
    Before I even pull down my panties, I like to get my mind in it. I turn down the lights and get nice and comfy. I often like to start out by reliving in my head, hot sexual experiences I’ve had or imagine sexual fantasies I’d like to explore in order to get myself going. This is a great opportunity to really let your imagination go wild.  Another great option is watching some good old-fashioned porno to get those juices flowing. This is an especially good alternative for men who tend to be more visual than women. 2

    2.  Tease Yourself
    My best orgasms come from an unhurried build. I like to start out nice and slow. I don’t go straight for the vajayjay. I like to massage my breasts, knead my thighs, and softly touch my arms and neck. When I finally do reach my clit, I tease myself and build up the intensity and then pull back. I build it up and pull back over and over until I erupt.  It’s a busy world we live in so this approach is not always possible, but if you have the time the slow build is worth the wait!

    3.  Sex Toys
    I strongly suggest experimenting with different sex toys. My personal favorite is the magic wand or back massager. I wear myself out on a regular basis having orgasm after mind-blowing orgasm with mine. I also suggest the rabbit. It’s a dildo that can rotate and has an attached clitoris massager. You control the intensity and rotation to suit your needs.  Another great choice is a Sybian. I did a few videos with one of these and they are amazing! It’s like a little platform that you mount and it vibrates for great clitoral stimulation. You control the intensity and it comes with various attachments, so you can change up the penetration.

    Toys aren’t just for the ladies either. I know many men who enjoy a little anal stimulation with a butt plug or like having their balls massaged by a vibrator. Lots of men have also experienced great pleasure with devices like Fleshlight. There are endless options when it comes to sex toys and everyone’s body is different, so you are really the best judge of what sex toys will be enjoyable to you, and which ones wont. Don’t be afraid to experiment and try new things.3

    4.  Get Professional Help
    Often times, masturbating alone just wont cut it! If you’re really looking to intensify your self-sex experience I highly recommend exploring the world of web camming. Man or woman, gay or straight there are a variety of performers of various ages, races, body types and genders who can act out your specific fantasy and help get you off.

    Another good option is phone sex if you enjoy talking dirty or being talked dirty to.

    Use one of my tips or pick your own. Be creative and explore what makes you feel sexy and ultimately pleasured.

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  • How Masturbation Saved My Life

    How Masturbation Saved My Life

    I know it sounds like an exaggeration – masturbation saved your life, woo, you know…. But this is actually really how I saw it. This is really how I felt in my core what masturbation did for me.

    I didn’t always look the way I look now – with long hair, contact lenses on occasion, and with relatively acne-free complexion with an okay figure.

    I started having my first period when I was in Primary 3, so that was then when I was eight, nine – way earlier than all my peers. Nobody was talking about menstruation when I had mine. I developed a lot of acne as result of hormones gone amok and, of course, with little knowledge about nutrition and diet and self care, I developed severe acne. I also needed glasses since I was 6. They were thick geeky looking glasses.

    I started to swim as part of my extra curriculum activity (or after-school activities). As a result, I also developed bad hair, and worse skin, because of all that chlorine and hot sun. At that time, I just didn’t know how to protect my skin and neither did my parents. And I was swimming as much as three times a week – sometimes under direct noon sun!

    My mom had this idea, “You two (my sister and I) will look cool if you go and perm your hair.” I ended up with wild unmanageable poodle-like hair. It was actually my teacher who asked me infront of the school why I went and got this poodle hair… and it stuck. Because of all the swimming I was doing, I ended up with spilt ends and had to chop the lot off. Mom actually convinced me to do this not once, but twice!

    To this day, I am very weary of perming my hair. With baby fat, bad skin, geeky glasses, I became a a prime subject of bullying, called the ugliest girl in school, and was utterly miserable at school. There was one boy – he looks for me after school, and once he actually punched me in the arm. It doesn’t sound like a big deal now but back then, bullying was unheard of, and being punched in the arm by my classmate – somebody I see everyday, a boy no less, whom I considered bigger and stronger – was actually traumatic.

    I felt very, very, very, ugly on the inside. My acne problem didn’t go away even all through puberty. Medication from skin doctors alleviated the problem but would return when I stopped treatment. There was no end at sight. I battled acne for a long time. I see now how it’s largely attributed to my diet and the sensitivity of my body.

    Now, let’s not even talk about getting male attention. I had a lot of crushes. But no guy would never look twice at me because I looked and felt ugly. When people look at the me now, they ask, “What do you know about body image?” They have no idea where I’ve been! They have no idea how hard it was for me growing up – being called the ugliest girl in school, being punched in the arm, keeping my head down and just not trying to attract any attention whatsoever.

    This is why masturbation saved my life. I was still too young to be able to articulate, or get, or have the confidence to seek out a romantic partner. I was eight when I had my first period! Even at 12, I still had baby fat. There were girls in school who at the ripe age of 12 already had boyfriends and I envied them. I suffered from low self-esteem and had my first boyfriend at 19. It was a long-distance relationship and lasted a year.

    Masturbation helped me through my teenage angst because when I masturbated, feel-good hormones were released and relieved sexual tension within my body. It helped to balance out my mood swings. It was my private thing that I could return to. It was my sanctuary, and refuge. I knew how to get tension out of my body.

    I was worried that because I masturbated, it would inhibit my relations with my future partners. I worried that my clitoris would become numb. I worried that I couldn’t have an orgasm in any other ways. But I didn’t know what I could do about my situation because I didn’t have a partner and couldn’t get one.

    I didn’t know this until later on that being able to sexual by myself actually allows me to be more comfortable with my body and go on to being more relaxed when sexual with somebody else. Masturbation helps create neuroconnections between the mind and the body. With strong neuroconnections, it’s actually easier to get orgasms. And even when you masturbate in a particular way, your body is actually much more adaptable to learning how to have orgasms in different ways. Later on, when I became sexual, I was able to attain orgasm relatively easily with other partners.

    All through the puberty, I did feel guilt and shame around masturbation even though I was not religious. I felt sad, even pathetic, because I don’t have a partner. While masturbation may bring up sadness if one doesn’t have a partner, I realise now it was better than the alternative – suppressing, repressing and shutting down my sexuality.

    Masturbation is not a bad thing. It helps with hormonal balance, cramps, stress and tension. You can choose to express your sexuality by yourself , and learn about your body – even when you don’t have a partner. And even if you have a partner, it’s also okay to continue to learn about your body by expressing your sexuality by yourself.

    Let go of your negative feelings around masturbation. Breathe.

    This article has been republished with permission from Dr Martha Tara Lee.  Please visit Dr Martha Tara Lee’s website to view original post and more of Dr Martha’s work.

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  • Can You Feel The Heat?

    Can You Feel The Heat?

    Matt-at-Lotus on Burning Up in the Bedroom …

    … or wherever you prefer to do it. Last week, I was massaging a client which is not unusual for a sexual masseur. He was face down, naked, skin glistening from the sunlight reflected in the massage oil. I work differently from most massage therapists in that I not only offer a sexual massage but also sexual services along with it. I pride myself on being as honest as I can and see no benefit in pretending to be doing anything other than sex, such as calling it ‘Tantric Massage’ (there’s no such thing) or ‘Relaxation Massage’ (AKA ‘Massage and a hand job’). The thing is that if you, the client, don’t really know if the massage is sexual, how can you truly relax? If the practitioner doesn’t quite know whether you are ‘up for it’, how can they truly relax? It all creates a pretty cold, confused and nervous atmosphere if you ask me. My advice is to be honest, lay your cards on the table and release those inhibitions with a practitioner (which can also be your partner, stick with me and all shall be revealed …) who is equally honest with you: “This is a sexual massage, you will probably climax and you are welcome to touch me, depending on how comfortable you feel. I am happy to discuss whatever you need”.

    Now aren’t you already feeling more relaxed? Can’t you now feel that tingle down your spine and that quivering of your bottom lip that says: ‘Chill out, you’re in safe hands and those hands know exactly what they’re doing’. Horny huh? Yeah, I think so too.

    And There’s More

    How can this help you in bed? How can this connection—between me and my clients—assist you in reaching that point of no return with your next shag? It’s easy; I deliberately make a connection with my clients to intentionally turn up the sexual heat. I do this because I can and I do this because that is what the client is paying for. It’s in my job description. Want to know how to do it? Then we shall begin …

    Honesty, as I have said, is key. Tell yourself how you feel. Yes; yourself. This is how all relationships (and remember ‘relationships’ can be for one night only) start. When you get to know yourself, you can then easily share that knowledge with your partner/s. If you have no fucking clue who you are, how the hell is anyone else going to know? It stands to reason that it is only when we know ourselves that we can then teach others to know themselves. Now here is where something kinda magical happens. For example, whenever I touch most clients (and lovers for that matter) they will physically feel a heat. This is partly because I am a healer and partly because I know where to touch. It is mainly… drum roll please … because I know who I am. Does that sound odd? Allow me to elaborate.

    Once upon a training in psychotherapy, I remember the tutor explaining what one of the founders of therapy noted during therapy sessions. It went something like this: ‘It’s almost as if an unseen part of the patient reaches out and an unseen part of me reaches back, like a meeting of souls rather than minds’. I am paraphrasing here because I can’t be arsed to reference it but more so because this description explains perfectly what happens in good sex. We connect with an invisible aspect of our lovers that goes far beyond the physical. This cannot happen if we haven’t at least taken that first step in connecting with ourselves. Do you follow? No? Okay, let me put it another way.

    Make love to yourself first. Try masturbating very, very, slowly. Do not just concentrate on your dick (or clit if you are a lady). Explore your lips, nipples, eyebrows, ears, armpits, inside the elbows. Take. Your. Time.

    I tell you this right now—do this, slowly, very very slowly and you will feel the heat. You will notice tingles, heat, throbbing in the perineum (the bit between your arse and balls or for females the soft area around half an inch from your arse, the area you would tense when doing pelvic floor exercises), the base of your spine and more. Now, go and share this with someone. Again, very very slowly. Take. Your. Time.

    Oh, and all this I am teaching you now, I showed the client I mentioned earlier, as he lay there face down on the massage table, I showed him how to turn the heat up and do you know what he said?

    “I c..c..an’t speak. I … I … That was. Just, that…” followed by: “Wow”’.

    “You’re welcome” I responded.

    Now go turn the heat up. You’ll be glad you did.

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  • 10 Great Reasons to Masturbate

    10 Great Reasons to Masturbate

    You might have heard various slang’s for masturbation.  A few come to mind, such as beating the meat; honk the horn; flick the bean; taco time; polish the helmet and shake the snake.  But do you know that there are actually many good reasons to partake in this solo activity? For those who think that only males masturbate, you should know that even females do the deed too, read it here if you haven’t! (It’s true, female masturbation does exist)

    We have listed 10 of the many for you to give the next time you get caught masturbating, and no, masturbation doesn’t cause you to go blind.

    1.  It feels awesome.

    2.  It is self-cultivating and teaches us more about our own body; what turns us on and what doesn’t.  Masturbation helps one identify what our basic sexual needs are and how best to satisfy them.  Tell this to your partner and you have a solid basis for a sizzling sex life.

    3.  It helps to release tension and makes us sleep better —a secret sleeping pill without no side-effects!

    4.  We learn to separate love from sex.  Being more able to distinguish sex-affairs from love-affairs as we realise having an orgasm doesn’t mean we’re in love.

    5.  For those who are single, it prevents you from jumping over walls or sleeping with the person you meet.

    6.  It’s totally harmless.  No risk of STDs!  No pregnancy worries!

    7.  It has great beauty treatment.  Orgasm improves blood circulation, helps to combat the effects of stress and makes skin glow!

    8.  You only have to concentrate purely on your own pleasure and not worry about someone else’s.

    9.  The more you masturbate, the more orgasms you’ll be capable of having both with and without your partner.

    10. By giving yourself an orgasm, that is true sexual independence.

    So what are you waiting for?  Stroke away!!

    09 Strokes

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  • It’s True. Female Masturbation Exists.

    It’s True. Female Masturbation Exists.

    When was the first time you learned about masturbation?  On the playground?  During an awkward discussion with a parent?  On TV? Was it pretty clear to you what it was and how to do it?  Did you understand what it meant to climax or ejaculate?  If you are male-bodied, it is likely that by the time you were a full grown adolescent, you had a pretty good understanding of masturbation and a wide variety of descriptive euphemisms – “jacking off,” “stroking the sausage,” “whacking it,” and a particularly eloquent one that I recently heard, “attacking the one-eyed, purple-headed warrior.”  If you are female-bodied, the path to your understanding of masturbation and how to do it was likely much more covert and maybe even to this day is not fully developed or clear.

    But why?  Most women will explain that masturbation was not talked about when they were young.  Touching yourself or admitting to any type of physical, sexual desire as a young girl was thought of as shameful, dirty, embarrassing or at the very least something not to be discussed with parents or peers.  But with boys, these “tendencies” were considered natural, normal – something to be both expected and tolerated.  A basic understanding of why this is so, points to our society’s general acceptance of men as sexual creatures with natural, physical urges and our view of women as passive objects of those sexual desires, rather than independent beings with their own natural sexual desires and urges.  And while the movement towards a more sex-positive, pro-feminist view of sexuality has taken foot in many circles, this deeply engrained, double standard view of sexuality undeniably still exists.  And if we aren’t conscious of its presence and effect, it is easy to make false assumptions about sexuality – like the assumption that girls and women do not masturbate.  And if they do, they are more sexually active or promiscuous than most girls or women – a practice known as “slut-shaming,” a neologism used to describe the act of making any person (usually women) feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors or desires that deviate from traditional (i.e. conservative) gender expectations.

    While the assumption is that all men masturbate, several studies have sought to find out what percentage of women masturbate (because, again, a common assumption is that only a minority of women masturbate).  These studies have yielded results varying from 38% to 92% – an extremely large spread.  Clearly, there is something going on that would cause these studies to find such varying results on a regular basis.  I would speculate that the studies reporting larger percentages were administered anonymously and through a medium that did not require face to face questioning, such as via an online survey.  The studies reporting lower percentages were probably done in person or required some elaboration on the part of the participant.  Essentially, I believe that these results illustrate the issue of women feeling uncomfortable or ashamed on talking about their masturbation habits or even admitting that they do it from time to time.

    So what is to be done?  It’s difficult because the fear of slut shaming extends beyond attitudes from men.  Women are just as likely (if not more so) to perpetuate shame when it comes to masturbation.  The thing about shame is that it is often projected onto those around us – especially those (i.e. other women) we identify with.  And if you can’t share stories, tips, and thoughts about masturbation with your fellow vagina owners, how do you learn?  It’s possible to learn from TV and movies, which perpetuate the myth that women don’t masturbate or when they do, it creates confusion, distress, and embarrassment in the women performing the act.  You can try to learn from porn, and if you are able to find some of the new wave pro-feminist and female-produced contents, it can be a good source for viewing women enjoying their bodies and the pleasure that comes from masturbating.  But if you aren’t able to find these contents, good luck finding any images that you can actually relate to.

    I believe a good first step for all women is to seek out sex-positive, feminist literature and media in order to see evidence that other women do masturbate and do so without shame, embarrassment, or negative repercussions.  A book I recommend to clients and friends alike is “Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving,” by Betty Dodson, a woman who personifies the acceptance and embracing of female sexuality and expression.  For the more adventurous or advanced, I recommend visiting your local sex toy shop (preferably one marketed towards women) and asking for information on different toys or movies that might interest you.  I also strongly believe in the power of being curious and taking the risk of being vulnerable in conversations with friends.  I have had many different kinds of conversations about masturbation with other women – some were wrought with embarrassment, some were really funny, some were tinged with shame, and many resulted in immense relief at the recognition that they aren’t the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out or has what they thought was a “weird” habit.  But in all these instances, masturbation was discussed.  And I believe that sometimes a conversation is all it takes to begin changing our false assumptions about sexuality.

  • Vaccinate your Teenager against Unwanted Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

    Vaccinate your Teenager against Unwanted Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

    With internet pornography and lack of healthy sexuality, a growing number of teens and young adults get most of their sex education from watching Pornography. 

    As a parent would you like your child to learn about sex from other teenagers?

    Parents can now vaccinate their children against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease with information!

    What makes this such a problem in Singapore is the generation gap between traditional views of sex on one side and the availability of pornography to teenagers on the other side.

    Parents are not comfortable talking openly about sex with their children and by the time the kids turn into teenagers, they have gotten most of their information from other teenagers or internet porn and not from mom or dad.

    “A survey was conducted in Singapore about the growing number of teenagers having unsafe sex.  The survey stated that because of a lack of knowledge among young people it could lead to dangerous behaviour that puts them at risk of unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.  The incidence of sexually transmitted infections among teens rose from 238 cases in 2002 to 787 last year.”

    Parents need to learn how to talk to their children about sex when they are young, starting out with age appropriate materials done in a positive way.  The biggest challenge that most parents have is their own embarrassment with talking about sex.  One way to combat this embarrassment is to view it as knowledge that will vaccinate their children against unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases that could save their lives.

    Knowledge is power, and the more positive information that children learn about their own bodies, then they are less curious about searching for information that can be damaging or dangerous leading to unsafe sex.  Not talking about healthy sexuality or shaming a child for talking about sex is the most dangerous message that a parent can give to their child and teenagers!

    The process starts when a child is younger and curious about their own bodies, a parents’ feedback is crucial.  Never put negative connotations on a child’s body, use correct terminology, and call a penis a penis or a vagina a vagina.  When a parent sees a child touch themselves, don’t shame them, but understand that they don’t know the difference between scratching their arm or touching their penis/vagina.  Telling them to stop or saying something negative is only going to shame them or make them feel bad about their body.

    As children turn into teenagers, talk to them about sex, to respect their own bodies and if they have sexual urges to masturbate, it is the safest form of sex on the planet.  Talk to them about contraception, sexually transmitted diseases.  Explain to teenagers that touching, hugging and kissing can be fun, but that it does not have to lead to sex, and saying no is alright and if they say yes, to use a condom.  Prepare them for war and give then the armour that they need to survive!

    Parents have the belief that if they talk about sex with their kids, then they are telling them that it is alright to have it, and by not talking to them about it means they won’t have it…..WRONG! 

    With that belief, a parent has just sent his/her child out into the world naked, not prepared and will most likely end up being a victim of an early sexual encounter, learning about sex from other teens and porn.  Those are the teens that have the highest incidence of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease!

    Vaccinate your child with knowledge about healthy sexuality, the odds are that your child will not be among the odds but safe!