SimplySxy

Tag: Dominant

  • What It’s Like To Be A Switch

    What It’s Like To Be A Switch

    I think discovering kink allows a lot of people to discover parts of themselves that normally society may not encourage or cannot understand. In that sense, perhaps a lot of “hardcore” kinksters are seen to live alternative lifestyles and for some part that maybe true, for others like myself, I see my lifestyle as most conventional with an underlying kinky tone rather than dictated by kink. I ride and compete my horse, I walk my dog, I do sports and art and enjoy learning … but in the right situations, I also have a lifestyle Mistress, get caned, dress up in latex and stand on men.

    It’s a delicate balance and perhaps I am not the norm in the kink or vanilla world, but does that make my lifestyle alternative? My personal thoughts on alternative lifestyles is that people should focus on being the best and happiest versions of themselves, if that involves being “alternative”, then great, do that. 

    I don’t think everyone is designed to have a conventional lifestyle that’s dictated by society’s norms. Personally, I always struggled to maintain relationships until I tried a completely D/s dynamic and realised a vanilla relationship structure was the issue, and not necessarily my ability to sustain a relationship. 

    How I First Started Exploring Kink

    Funnily enough, it took me to the age of 21 to realise being spanked, slapped, choked and tied up in the bedroom was not normal. I have always been attracted to those who can challenge me intellectually and who ooze confidence. I have also always shown submissive traits in that I am a masochist, I love making my partner happy and I have always had an ability to subtly tease (especially in vanilla settings), and combined, it’s like having a Dom-dar. 

    Realizing I Was A Switch

    I only really have started to accept my switchy side in the last few years since having a supportive partner who has encouraged me to do whatever I want to try. As someone who originally thought I was purely submissive, it has been hard to accept that around submissive men. I naturally take control of a situation and that I do enjoy playing the Dominant role in my own style. I went through a rough stage a few years ago of rejecting the switch status because I felt it made me less of a slave/sub but in reality, it is the submissive facet that enables me to switch so well.

    I can manipulate a sub easily because I can relate to their emotions in the scene, I know when they need to breathe whilst being hit or when they probably want a tender touch because I have been there myself. It took me a while to full embrace all my facets but I feel so much more at peace with myself now that I understand all my different headspaces (slave, sub, little, Domme, Brat, rope bunny etc.), how to move between them and that just because with different people I can embrace different parts of myself, it does not make the other parts any “less”. 

    Misconceptions About Being A Switch

    That being a Switch makes you less of a Domme/Sub. If anything, I think it gives you better insight and understanding into your play partner which allows for more intense interactions. It would be like saying being good at playing sports makes you a bad supporter. Also, it’s worth noting there is no one way to Dominate, no one way to submit, and there’s also no one way to switch.

    Some people can change mindsets mid-session and go from slave to head teacher. Others need clear boundaries or perhaps, only one dynamic with each play partner. Like everything in kink, there is no black/white structure, it’s just about exploring who you are, finding playmates who are into the same activities as you and having fun with it. 

    Is It Difficult To Be A Switch?

    I think knowing how to be both parts really helps the other. For example, when I am with my Mistress, I know how emotionally tiring subs can be or how it feels to have someone be bratty when you’re tired from a long day and I can use that knowledge to better myself as a sub and make Her life more enjoyable. Alternatively, when I am with boys in a more Domme mindset, I know why they might be bratting or overly emotional, I know that if their breathing is erratic, they will feel sensations differently. I know that when a sub feels vulnerable, they may not be able to ask for the hug they really need but they want it. I can use my personal experience as a sub to help me make sure that they have a magical time and that they are properly prepared for whatever I have planned because I know what it will feel like to be in their shoes.

    I don’t often switch in the same session because I personally struggle to see people on both sides of the spectrum without my mindsets leaking into each other. That said, I find those looking for switching sessions are actually looking for a playful hedonistic partner with a power struggle aspect which is something I personally love. Labels such as Domme, Sub and Switch can sometimes make it harder because not everyone truly understands what they want and a lot of my clients are more fetishists than Dommes or Subs, meaning they are looking for a more playful session that embraces their particular kinks but feel the need to catagorise themselves as Dom or Sub for the sake of labels. 

    Recommendations For Aspiring Switches

    Forget labels and just explore, you don’t have to fit into any particular box, when you can (have a consensual partner available) explore everything you’re interested in safely, you’ll start to discover your different facets and all the kinks and mindsets that you enjoy. 

    Rabbit T – I am a professional submissive who can provide the full GFE to outcalls in the London, Manchester and Bedford areas. I am not offering incalls at this time due to moving home and getting my new place organised.

    I offer kinky companion, spankee, submissive and escort services in these areas on dates according to my schedule and travel plans. Arrangements are best made in advance to ensure my availability.

    Follow Rabbit on

    Twitter: @Little_rabbit_t

    Onlyfans: @little_rabbit_t

    Website: www.down-the-rabbit-hole.co.uk

    Tours: City of London 28th – 30th April

    Images courtesy of Rabbit T

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  • Here’s What You Need To Know About Being A Brat In BDSM

    Here’s What You Need To Know About Being A Brat In BDSM

    We’re all familiar with the concept of a spoiled brat, but do you know what it means to be a brat in BDSM? For submissives who want to spice it up a little during sex play, being a brat can be exhilarating, as you get to let your naturally playful personality shine while engaging in BDSM. Moreover, being a brat is a great way to get your dom’s attention, since you have to playfully provoke them to get the reaction that you desire. If you want to take on a submissive role that’s a bit sassier than usual, here’s what you need to know about being a brat in BDSM.

    What does it mean to be a brat?

    A submissive who’s a brat loves to push their dom’s buttons by breaking the rules. But it’s not about being blatantly disobedient – it’s more about being mischievous. Your dom is called a brat-tamer, and the brat-tamer’s role is to punish the brat for bad behavior, usually with some impact play, prolonged edging, or restraints. During a scene, a brat can be a spoiled student who refuses to listen to their teacher, or a little girl who doesn’t want to follow what their daddy says, so it also works if you have a DDLG dynamic. 

    Before engaging in brat and brat-tamer BDSM, talk to your dom about it so that they know how to respond accordingly to your behavior and to have some rules in place. Next, get into the submissive head space by wearing kinky clothing and accessories, such as kawaii lingerie, a school girl outfit, some thigh highs, or a collar. Once you’ve established boundaries and are properly geared up, get ready to act out a scene with your dom.

    How to act it out

    To act all bratty, start by pestering your dom while they’re engaged in other tasks. Try sending a naked picture of yourself while they’re on a call, or if they’re at work, send them naughty text messages demanding for them to come home so they can pamper you. You can also refuse or ignore commands, or do something to rile your dom up. For instance, you can fling their shoes towards the other side of the room, and tell your dom, “Yes, I threw your shoes. What are you gonna do about it, daddy?” Say it with a grin, and in a cheeky way, rather than in a bitchy manner. You can also speak in a higher tone to engage your bratty side. Later, take your punishment like the spoiled baby that you are.

    Being a brat makes being a submissive extra fun, so try the brat/brat-tamer dynamic with your dom the next time you engage in BDSM. Be playful, have fun with it, and unleash your inner brat to get what you desire.      

    Photo by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash

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  • What It’s Like To Be A Slave

    What It’s Like To Be A Slave

    Kink, BDSM and submission are an integral part to my identity and it’s not something I just practice in the bedroom. It’s a lifestyle and I would be deeply unhappy if I ignored this part of myself.

    My Journey Into Kink…

    I already had submissive desires when I was still a child. I noticed this when playing games like cops and robbers, as I liked getting chased and caught and I had fantasies about being tied up or restrained. At first, I didn’t know what this meant. Though I realized rather quickly that it wasn’t ‘normal’ for everyone to feel like this.

    I struggled with insomnia from a young age and my parents gave me a television so I could watch something to help me fall asleep. So on one night that I couldn’t sleep, I ended up on a sex documentary in which a woman was trying to spice up her sex life. She went to a rather big sex store, visited a dungeon and tried out a kidnapping scenario. At some point, the term kink was mentioned and suddenly I had something to identify with.  

    I remember playing with my Lego one day and as I tied this tiny Lego man I realized I was way too young to be involved in anything kinky. Simultaneously, I felt like my thoughts and desires were disgraceful and told myself that no one could ever find out. I was really afraid of what would happen if my parents knew so I tried to bury my feelings and forget I ever had them.

    I was able to repress my desires for months at a time but no matter what I did, they would always resurface. I found that it was easiest for me if I didn’t think about kink at all but when I did, I would go onto the internet and read erotica or search in forums.

    I hated being restricted by my age and literally counted down the years until I turned 18. Luckily, I was able to legally join another BDSM site when I was 16, where I got to speak to a Dom of around my age and who lived in my local area. He set me some tasks and I tried candle wax for the first time but I soon realized I identified as a lesbian and it didn’t feel right continuing a D/s type thing with him.

    I couldn’t get in contact with any female dominants and stopped looking until I was 18 and able to join Collarme and Fetlife. Over the years, I spoke to a lot of accounts and people on the internet but none of those ever turned into what I hoped. The real change came for me when I went to a kink event at the start of 2020. Here, I was finally able to meet real people who were open minded and had some form of interest in kink that I could relate to.

    What It Means To Be A Slave

    I never thought I was a slave and was very opposed to the idea of being one whenever anyone suggested I might be. In my mind, a slave was someone who had no mind of her own and would follow all commands without question. I have my own opinions, likes and dislikes and didn’t want to be like that. While I was 100% certain of my submissive nature, being a slave went a bit too far.

    The first time I spoke to a Mistress (when I was 18), she suggested I might be a slave after speaking to me for just a few days. I disagreed to some extend, arguing I had my own will and thus she called me a Slave, specifically with a capital S. When she said that I paused and opened up to the idea slightly. Maybe being a slave didn’t mean having to be mindless?

    We lost touch and for a few years, I forgot about kinky terms completely, though remained certain I wanted to be someone’s submissive. It wasn’t until I started speaking to an online dominant when I was 22 that the term slave came up again. Similarly to the Mistress I’d spoken to, this dominant thought there was no question about my nature as a slave but once again, I was very reluctant to agree.

    I think I was scared of the meaning of the word and what this would say about me. I was raised to be a strong and independent woman, yet here I was, craving to let someone else take control and to put their desires above mine. It was only after someone consistently showed me that it’s okay to have these desires that I was able to start accepting myself. 

    One of the tasks I was once set was to write the word slave on each of my wrists and to keep it there for an entire day. I went to the shop with my mum that day and felt incredibly self-conscious about my little secret. However, I was surprised to find that it made me feel good and even a little aroused, rather than anxious or embarrassed. This was one of the first moments that I felt connected to the term and in extension to a part of myself that I’d been repressing for so long.

    I didn’t completely settle on wanting to be a slave then. Instead, I decided to simply see where things would take me. I did several tasks and explored different things and naturally found that I was rather suited to being a slave. I fully started identifying with the term when I stopped feeling ashamed and accepted myself for who I am.

    My Experience & Sessions

    I write about most of the tasks and sessions I’ve done on my blog. These have included needles, hot sauce, staples or even simply writing lines but I can share something I haven’t written about yet.

    The second time I got to play with my current Mistress in person, she took me through two rooms in a dungeon and we did a few different things, first using a cross, then a suspension frame for a crotch rope and a spanking bench. All of it was fun, and then she sat down somewhere, took off her shoes and said it was time for me to lick her feet now. I don’t have a foot worship fetish at all, nor do I particularly like feet. She made a point of having worked out in her shoes that day, meaning her feet were smelly so I could clean them now. So I kneeled by her side and started licking / sucking her feet, which I’d never done before for anyone. And so my mind switched between worrying about whether I was doing it right and between the realisation that I was licking someone’s feet, which did in fact smell a little. Yet as I was doing it, and upon realising that I was actively pleasing her, I noticed that I enjoyed it and naturally slipped into my role as a slave.

    People often ask me what I’m into and my interests are very broad. However, the thing I enjoy most is pleasing my Mistress, even if that’s through something I personally dislike doing, such as pleasing her feet.

    Misconceptions About Slaves

    The biggest misconception I’m constantly faced with comes from people who say that my sexuality doesn’t matter because I’m a slave. In other words, even though I’m a lesbian, they claim I should serve men the same way I can serve women (sexually and non-sexually). And so the real misconception here is that I don’t have a choice because I’m a slave.

    People think that being a slave means you can be used by anyone and should be grateful if someone does. Everyone forgets that I choose to submit and that I choose the person who I submit to. I only choose to be the slave of said person and we make our own arrangements within that dynamic.

    Advice & Tips To Explore Being A Slave

    If there is one thing I wish I had done sooner, it’s attending local munches and kink events. My advice to anyone looking to explore kink is therefore be to attend local events, as this will hopefully provide you with a community. When you’re new to kink and interested in exploring the role of a slave, you can be very vulnerable and unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there looking to take advantage of you.

    You can help prevent this from happening by surrounding yourself with the right people and in the local community people are being held accountable and can’t hide behind a screen. Of course, this is not possible at the moment so in the meantime, I would suggest having a look at different resources on the internet. I believe blogs in particular can be very valuable, as you’ll find ‘normal’ people writing about their experiences with kink and you can join in with the conversation.

    My biggest tip is to try and connect with people, as they will help you embrace the wonderful lifestyle you might have been ashamed of all this time.

    I’m ML, a 25-year old lesbian slave and blog about my journey. Roxy is my Mistress and I’m very excited to explore this new chapter with her. I’m a masochist and star in corporal punishment clips, such as caning, whipping and spanking. Please contact me if you are interested in a custom or want to hire me. Lastly, please check out my Onlyfans

    Follow MLSlavePuppet on

    Website: https://mlslavepuppet.com/

    Twitter: https://twitter.com/MlSlave

    OnlyFans: https://onlyfans.com/mlslavepuppet

    Clips4Sale: https://www.clips4sale.com/studio/150803/mlslavepuppet

    I take custom video requests and can be hired for video projects with others.

    For custom videos, https://twitter.com/Carnalfilms

    Images from MLSlavePuppet

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  • How To Explore My Interest In Kink With A Dominant

    How To Explore My Interest In Kink With A Dominant

    I’ve been kinky for seven years now, professionally and lifestyle.  Kink is highly misunderstood and extremely underrated as a therapeutic and growing mechanism to the general public.  This is why I began doing visual Femdom Art through self-portrait photographs and directing My own short films in order to showcase a side to BDSM without words, just pure aesthetics — no acting, simply a fluid demonstration of how powerful I am in real life and in-person sessions. 

    Alternative lifestyles are so broad and that is exactly what I love about this world:  There is no wrong or right way to do things; there is a matter of safety and consent of course, but after you enter the play arena, it’s pretty much based on the rules and negotiations of the participating parties.  No one else needs to follow their rules unless they are a part of their lives in an engaging way.  To each their own.  It’s wonderful, it’s infinite, and worth every single moment of exploration.  

    Misconceptions About Dominants

    Professionals who are also Lifestyle Dominants add such a huge value to those who are both new as well as seasoned players.  Why?  We play with so many different types of people in such a short span of time compared to those who are just Lifestyle.  We grow at an exponential rate and adjust to every person we interact with by adapting to their fetishes and preferences.  Money is great, but at the end of the day, it needs to be sustainable to become a full-time occupation. 

    I love playing.  I delight in figuring out each person, solving which type of dynamic works best, making up protocol for those I am responsible for should they earn a place in My life.  Dominants may be perceived as bitchy or that They get to relax and “just get served all day,” but NO.  It’s hard work.  Even more so for professionals:  In the lifestyle, Dominants have to take care of the people they play and establish dynamics with; they are responsible for protecting their mental health, their physical bodies and awareness of medical conditions, improving their spiritual selves, and overall, making sure they have fun.  It’s a literal relationship – it doesn’t have to be romantic, but it takes just as much effort in order to build something together that meaningful.  Sure, it can be light and have no strings attached, but that doesn’t mean focus is not held for the duration of the entire playtime. 

    Professionals have to do all of this as well as become a business person such as recording their finances and redistributing those earnings to life necessities, marketing, possibly touring different cities, equipment for creating new content, and countless others.  We have to remember each sub or fetishist and evolve together with their progress.  It’s so much more than just being called “Mistress” or “Goddess” or “Domina” and having Our boots cleaned and giving punishments through impact.  

    Why A Beginner Should Engage Me As A Dominant

    As a Professional Domme, I am able to hold a safe space without judgement while using an extensive rolodex of experience in multiple areas and scenarios.  Being Lifestyle is a great way to exchange intimacy with someone’s skills no matter the difficulty.  The latter is much more intense with higher work expectations, but more rewarding than the prior. 

    Being an artist makes Me even more versatile as I’m able to come up with creative solutions to situations that any kinkster may present Me.  It keeps Me sharp and expands My own way of playing as I tend to make every scene unique even with regular players.  

    How Does A Beginner Choose Between Being A Dom Or Sub?

    Some people have a disposition where they think they may stand either wanting to control a situation or wanting to be controlled in a situation.  This can start as one thing and change to another.  For example, for those in positions of power in everyday life – the entrepreneurs, corporate partners, and political leaders are in control most of the time – and that may not be what they want in private.  They might crave the opposite and want to relinquish all responsibility to someone else they trust. 

    I’ve known Tops who have had many people go up to them wanting them to Dominate, but over time, they get tired and want someone else to take over for their own personal experience.  For those who are just starting out, My advice is to go out and try both and see where you fall.  I’ve seen subs become Switches, voyeurs become fetishists, and those in D/s dynamics give that up completely to just enjoy eroticism.

    The Competitiveness Of Being A Dom In The Kink Community

    In the last 5-10 years, kink has become much more popular in media through fan fiction that lead to Hollywood films, multiple televised documentary series that portray daily life with specific types of dynamics, and even fetish fashion penetrating celebrities’ wardrobes to red carpet events or their thousands of dollars worth of music videos.  Social profiles are not just accessible to those who are tuned in the lifestyle, but EVERYONE.  Sexuality has been so constricted by society, one is driven to break out of the conditioning we were taught since young.  Curiosity drives people to try new things.   It’s easier to do that when you see a famous person dipping their toes into alternative culture alongside local people to your city advertising kinky services.  

    I think having a brand of what type of Dom/me you are, not for the sake of show, but truly being niche in something no one else is doing or no one else can do but you helps you shine.  What makes you different from the Dom/me next door?  The public is quick to categorize people into race or by specialty.  I’ve managed to step over those labels because instead of being the mixed Asian or Chinese-Filipina-Spanish Domme, I am actually known for being a nurturing Sadistic Sensualist specializing in hypnotic healing and impactful discipline through eroticism.  Plus, I also create My own art Myself.  Therefore, I am more.

    Characteristics I Look For In A Sub

    What I seek for potential subs is quite simple:  Common sense, a sense of respect and reverence, and a willingness to be trained [by ME] – no matter how experienced they are.  Good hygiene is also important – many come to Me freshened up or showered with even their best underwear on.  Approach Me like you are applying for a job interview, but make it personal.  I want to know why you want to serve Me. 

    Give Me a glimpse at your previous experiences.  What are your interests?  What are you curious about?  What are considered your hard limits?  Do you know Mine?  They should after reading My website – all of My information is on there.  If they read it, I will know by what they reference or what questions they ask.  In My eyes, subs should be open to being molded into the most useful entity to their Dominant.  Forget everything you learned previously if it no longer applies, or, use what you have learned previously and thoroughly research on how you can serve Me better.  Offer yourself not just in play, but outside play to My needs. 

    Know My desires because you genuinely want to fulfill them and not your own fetishes.  I mentioned skills previously:  For subs who are seeking either professional or personal counsel, this means anything I can use that you are proficient at.  This can include driving, bartending, website development, cinematography, video editing, etc.  I will never let you forget you are here to serve Me, and the longer you stick with Me, the more you will be rewarded with becoming integrated into My Life.

    I want to thank SimplySxy for having Me today and for asking these thought provoking questions.  Questions about how I began My journey and what I specialize in can be found on My Publications page via My website at DOMINAMARA.ORG.  My Youtube.com/c/DominaMara channel is an informative resource with many videos from when I first became independent and what I’ve learned:  How to approach a Mistress, why I don’t Switch or sub, what My thoughts are on fetish wear, and much more.  I still offer photo prints for any of My images found on My website, and any supportive donation is always appreciated as every creative output is funded out of pocket.  If you cannot gift due to difficult times, sharing My content through forwarding, reposting, retweeting, collaborating, and featuring Me works just as well.  

    Catch the video version of this interview here –

    Domina Mara – I hail from the heart of California with an exotic mix of Chinese, Filipino, and Spanish blood.  My career began in 2013 as a professional BDSM player at a local dungeon in Los Angeles, and created a solid foundation for My knowledge of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, and Sado-Masochism.  As a Dominant Mistress, My greatest joy is watching you transform into the most humble and genuine submissive with PURPOSE.

    Follow Domina Mara on

    Website: https://DominaMara.org/

    YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/DominaMara

    Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/MaraDomina

    Twitter: https://twitter.com/MaraDomina

    OnlyFans: https://onlyfans.com/DominaMara

    Other Websites:
    • https://stars.avn.com/DominaMara
    • https://IwantMara.com/
    • https://clips4sale.com/115042
    • https://www.niteflirt.com/DominaMara

    Amazon: https://amzn.to/1V4zKPS

    I am currently accepting select in-person sessions in Los Angeles as well as remote online text, phone, and cam sessions to play with My regulars and kinky newbies around the world.  While I’m not playing, I am renovating My Home like many others during this lockdown time, and will be releasing the makeovers on my YouTube Channel [Youtube.com/c/DominaMara].  

    Due to the pandemic, My travels to the UK, Philippines, and Middle East were cancelled this 2020 and postponed until further notice.  Sign up for My Newsletter via DOMINAMARA.COM to receive monthly updates on travel, Youtube videos, new photo sets, interviews, product releases, and other collaborations in the works. 

    Article images courtesy of Domina Mara

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  • Why I Believe In Female Superiority

    Why I Believe In Female Superiority

    As far back as I can remember I always felt that Women were superior to men and that their natural position is to rule over men. I’ve always had an irresistible need to serve and obey Women. To be slapped, whipped and put to work through protocol, to be guided, trained and disciplined by a strong Woman is natural for me.

    Once again, protocol is essential for I live to slave and must slave to live. The physical glamour, stilettos, and leather always represents superiority, strength, intelligence, and beauty.

    I think that kink and the alternative lifestyle serves as a tool to bring people together, allowing the savage within to come out and express itself as it may.

    How My Interest In Female Superiority Started

    Long before puberty, I looked up to Women and recognized their dominance, therefore I wanted to serve, obey, be disciplined and ruled by a Woman. So being submissive wasn’t forced but rather, alive inside of me. It was, and is natural. I am built that way and I recognize and accept the fact that it is who I am. It is a necessary component of myself, and that strengths me in my endeavours to submit to Women.

    Exploring Female Superiority

    In my adolescence years, I displayed humility to women when having the shit slapped out of me while subduing the feeling of getting on my knees and licking their boots And kissing their feet and how good it would have felt to be whipped unmercifully and left to worship them and being put to work.

    In my teens, I went to prostitutes to be disciplined, slapped, whipped with a belt and boot, and foot worshipped. But from there, I went to New York where I experienced a professional Dominatrix with a no sex protocol, Florentine Whipping, obedience training. And would continue to go to New York on a regular bases. All the way from Chicago.

    Why I Believe In Female Superiority

    I have a need for female authority to serve domestically, to be ruled and disciplined, to serve her and make her life easier. Her satisfaction is my goal. To honor, obey, love and protect.

    What I Have Done So Far For My Dommes

    Wait on her hand and foot, and domestic service. Giving myself, time dedication and devotion.

    What It Takes To Be A Good Submissive

    Willingness is the key along with protocol, and communication, a fervor to serve and a spirit to obey.

    Currently, I’m seeking to have a dominatrix in a Collared LifeTime Relationship 24/7. Someone special, and I am retired willing and able to relocate in the U.S. or abroad.

    Though communication is essential, as a slave I should be seen and not heard, my possessions are turned over to my Mistress. I will work diligently at my assigned task, and the luxury and pleasure goes to my Mistress and the chores and ass kickings goes to me. I will make sure that her boots and shoes are cleaned with saddle soap and shined properly at all times and strive to do her bidding.

    Currently I’m seeking to be collared in a 24/7 relationship

    Joel – I am a small, petit black male 510 ht, 165lbs, in my early 60s, kink wise I’m into servitude and corporal, hobbies are cooking, grilling, and barbecue, reading, book club, movies, music,, concerts, traveling, and entertaining cooking having people over, playing cards, interest language and martial arts. I’m fit in good health.

    Featured image from Shutterstock

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  • How Do We Embrace Our Sexual Desires?

    How Do We Embrace Our Sexual Desires?

    The human mind is a complex, crazy, beautiful thing that can be both aware and unaware of its processes. Each one of us is designed differently. The differences between us make us unique but we are, by nature, always comparing ourselves to others. And when your sexual desires and urges don’t match up with everyone else’s, we assume that something is wrong with us. We become aware that we’re different and most of us translate that into being wrong.

    Are you actually wrong? Is there truly something wrong with being different? Right and wrong are strong feelings that we get from ideas or situations. Some of those feelings are learned and some come naturally. If the sexual desires that you have feel right, then how could that be wrong?

    I am not a psychologist, but I have been down this path and I’ve met a lot of people in my line of work who are also on this path. It takes a lot to be completely at peace with kinks or niche fetishes. Depending on how you were raised, there can be a lot of shame that comes along with these unique fantasies or any type of sexuality in general. Sexuality plays a small role in who we are as people, but it gets so much focus from ourselves and the outside world. If our sexual desires are met, we are apt to function better and be more productive in our lives. But if sexual desires are buried down inside, they start to eat away at us and almost consume us. The combination of not having our needs met and the constant fear of being judged by others is a poisonous mix. But how do you get over it?

    Since the growing ease of access to the internet in the 1990’s, people have been able to find like-minded people around the world. From hobbies, to experiences, to fetishes and kinks, the internet has given a lot of us a sense of connection and an outlet for our non-conventional desires. It allows us to see that we’re not alone in our thoughts, which makes us feel less isolated. But is that enough?

    Within the past decade, BDSM has become very popularized and normalized among the general public. A once taboo sexual outlet is now embraced by a younger generation. We’re now finding that people from all generations fantasize about the idea of some type of power exchange. More and more people no longer feel ashamed to be vocal about these kinks and desires. We can attribute this change to the book, Fifty Shades of Grey. A book that told the story of a power dynamic between a submissive female character and a dominant male character. The book sparked a conversation about a fantasy most of us were having. But unfortunately, that particular power dynamic is the only one widely accepted or even commonly known of. What happens to everyone else in the BDSM world who aren’t a submissive female and a dominant male? Or even people who have fetishes outside of the traditional umbrella of BDSM?

    Those of us who fall under these categories often feel unknown, forgotten about, or dismissed which propels the notion that what we’re into is wrong. Myself and other female dominants as well as switches have been laughed off by other people in the BDSM community. I’ve met a lot of people in the BDSM world who will size you up and dismiss you for not being “real” in some regard to the lifestyle because your kink is different from theirs. Often, these are people who themselves have been alienated for one reason or another and find power in alienating others as a form of retribution. Which is very counterproductive in a group geared toward the acceptance of outsiders.

    This dismissal paired with the rejection of “taboo” sexual fantasies from the general public leads us to feel more shame and isolation. How do we embrace our sexual desires? It helps to embrace something when we can look at it from a logical standpoint with questions. Does my fantasy hurt me? Does it hurt others? Oftentimes, we realize that our fantasies are things we would never want to happen in real life. We merely enjoy the idea of it. Especially things that involve elements of non-consent or even fatality. Some fantasies aren’t even plausible in real life like regressing back into a baby or shrinking down and being eaten by a giant woman. Yes these are real, and very common, fantasies.

    Even though we know that some things can’t happen in real life, we’re still plagued by the fear of being found out and having that information used against us. Unfortunately, this is a real concern to have for some. If someone who has no idea or understanding of a certain taboo topic, they could perceive you as being a danger to others or yourself if they discovered that you were viewing that taboo material. That could affect your real life. The element of secrecy for those people doesn’t help them come to terms with their sexual desires but it doesn’t mean that they can’t accept themselves and their fantasies.

    Some of us want our fantasies to be kept private. Some of us want to share our desires with our sexual partners. It’s not easy to share with your partner that you dream of swallowing them whole or controlling them with a magic remote that turns them into a robot. And sometimes it seems impossible to share with your partner that you’re a male who enjoys being dominated by powerful women and you do very much want that to be incorporated with roleplay in the bedroom. If the weight of holding something back is holding you down, you need to express it. You need an outlet. Maybe it’s with a partner or a professional. Maybe it’s just a video or an online forum. But you need an outlet, we all do.

    I’ve met the people who never embrace their sexual desires. They try to suppress it and it comes out in their personality and in their relationships with others. They’re miserable and angry. They try to pass the blame off onto others, but truly it is their own unresolved issues. Please don’t let yourself be that person. Embracing our differences is difficult. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes being able to retrain the way you think and respond to the feelings that you have and that only comes from practice. It’s been years and I’m still working on fully accepting my sexual kinks and nature. It might take the world a long time to fully learn and accept the full spectrum of human sexuality, but all you can do is work on yourself.

    Take solace in the fact that you’re not alone in your desires and know that your sexuality or fantasies do not define who you are as a person. Reality you and fantasy you are not the same. One is real and one is fiction. But both must be indulged to attain balance. If you feel you cannot achieve this balance alone, seek out a professional sexual mental health specialist. Vocalizing the issues that you’re having in a safe environment is a great way to identify where you’re holding yourself back and areas where you need to improve. We all deserve sexual happiness and self acceptance. Best of luck on your personal journey.

    Goddess Valora is an American adult entertainment performer, director, and producer. She is also a professionally trained Dominatrix and a webcam performer. Valora has won awards for her work and has worked for major companies such as Kink and Playboy. She has a diverse professional entertainment background ranging from print magazines, TV show hosting, voice acting, and having her written articles and interviews published. Valora also teaches business management and marketing in workshop settings. She offers consultation services for new and current performers.

    Follow Goddess Valora on

    Social media link: @GoddessValora on Twitter

    Websites:

    GoddessValora.com for general and session bookings

    IWantGoddessValora.com for POV Femdom videos

    ValoraFetish.com for niche fetish videos

    ValoraFemdom.com for traditional BDSM female domination videos

    BoysBound.com for gay male bondage and femdom male bondage videos

    Images from Hektek Desires and Victor Devilbliss

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  • How To Be A Good Submissive

    How To Be A Good Submissive

    I remember going to my first fetish party years ago. I remember my friend going to the bathroom and me standing awkwardly with our drinks around the bar, feeling excited but also intimidated by everyone. A group of people suddenly came up to me and asked me if it was my first time, I proclaimed it was and they said it was theirs too. Instantly, I felt at ease and we discussed many things: our kinks, experience, what we did for work, anything you could think of.

    I had never felt so comfortable talking to strangers about my kinks, especially while being half naked! I think it had a lot to do with the space and how safe I felt in it. The kink community holds so much importance on being welcoming, non-judgemental and offering a safe, sane and consensual space.

    It’s an atmosphere like no other.

    What It Means To Be A Sub

    There are many types of submissives, everyone is different in what they like and in their personality. D/s (Dominance/submission) activities are about a power exchange, to be a sub is to relinquish control to your Dom.

    Misconceptions About Submissives

    The media usually depicts the submissive as weak and abused. This is not the case, with D/s activities both the Dom and sub have equal power. The sub chooses to submit to the Dom under agreement that limits are respected. The Dom then chooses to take the Sub on the basis of the agreement. When limits are crossed, the agreement is breached, making the activity non consensual.

    A lot of people, like myself, enjoy subbing because they love to please and like to give up that control. It takes time for trust to be built up between a sub and a Dom, like any type of relationship, it gets better with time and experience.

    Characteristics Of A Good Sub

    Being a good sub is being clear and honest with your Dom, before, during and after a scene. Whether about your experience in kink, how you felt during and after the last scene, and what you would like your future scenes to include.

    Discovering If You’re A Dom Or Sub

    When entering the kink scene, you do not have to choose to identify as a Dom or sub straight away. Some people know well before they have entered, and some take their time trying different roles. It is also okay to want to change your role for different partners, different scenes or at different times in your life. Someone like myself who likes to take on both roles usually identifies as a switch.

    Advice For New Sub

    If you are new to submission, start slowly by getting to know what you like. Do your research: read online blogs and watch porn (hard homework, I know!)

    Most importantly, know that it is okay to not like something and to speak up when you are uncomfortable or unsure. Kink is a two way street and everyone should be enjoying themselves.

    Scarlett May – An Australian independent switch based in London. She’s 5’8, with a small waist and pert round bottom – perfect for spanking. She loves giving and receiving humiliation, and especially enjoys role plays … the more taboo the better. She offers a safe and non-judgemental space for you to explore your true desires.

    Follow Scarlett May on

    Twitter: @SubScarlettMay

    Article images courtesy of Scarlett May

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  • What To Know About Anal Stretching

    What To Know About Anal Stretching

    Most people assume domination is all about violence, abuse, pain and hurting the other person, however, this could not be further from the truth if you have a real D/S experience.

    Kink is for people who love to play and enjoy intense sensations – while being willing to push their own physical and mental boundaries and step outside of the socially accepted box called: the norm or ‘vanilla sex’. Kinky punters who are willing to dig deeper and open up will find ecstatic states within.

    A lot of people are actually already using a light form of BDSM to supplement their regular or ‘vanilla’ sex life. Thing such as stretching, biting, spanking or anal play – which brings more sexual pleasure into their daily sex life.

    Domination is a form of art: taking control, penetrating one’s mind, helping people to liberate themselves and let go off their fears, stigmas and traumas while healing and expanding their pleasure.

    In my humble opinion – if practiced well – it’s like therapy. So overall I think an alternative lifestyle can help you feel more empowered, confident and happy – while you understand and accept yourself to the core.

    What Is Anal Stretching?

    Anal stretching is pretty much as the words describe. It can be one of the most intimate and erotic sexual acts practiced between two people. It’s a sign of complete trust in your play-partner. It’s a form of ‘giving in’ and offering yourself to the Dominant partner fully.

    I love the feeling of anal-stretching. Gradually opening up the ass, first slipping in a finger or two, stimulating the other’s mind while penetrating and taking over the mind and ass simultaneously.  It’s pure power.

    Anal stretching is the ultimate form of submission. Allowing another person – your mistress – to do whatever she pleases with you. It’s a beautiful way to let go and surrender to the moment where you don’t need to be in control, you can just relax.

    It’s a joyous feeling to enter a ‘virgin ass’. Feeling the excitement and pulsation though their anus with the fingers. So raw, so sexy so yummy.

    Reasons Subs Love Anal Stretching

    During my practice I find three main reasons why subs would love to be stretched anally.

    1: Subs want to feel ‘filled up’. Once you have learned how to get fingered, pegged or fisted – your brain will link orgasm to anal stimulation above anything else. Craving to be filled and feel that pinching stretching hole opening, resulting in that ‘being full’ feeling.

    Anal orgasms – especially if a dildo or finger is used to stimulate the prostate – can feel like a billion times stronger then any other form of orgasm.

    2: Subs want to impress their Top by taking bigger and bigger toys or things up in their ass.

    3: This is where the ultimate pleasure – ORGASM button lies. Once you master unlocking the anal orgasm as a man, you never want to go back to just ejaculation. Bum orgasm, can go on and on for minutes, making you orgasm as intensely as a woman.

    Misconceptions About Anal Stretching

    1: Men who practice anal play are gay.

    No, that’s far from the truth. Most men who come and see me are married and have no desire to explore homosexuality. However they do enjoy the pleasure from this sweet form of submission; being anally stretched by a beautiful dominant woman. Giving up control and finally just be the passive one in bed.

    2: You can just jump right into it.

    No, you need to do proper preparation. Have your cleaning procedure and use plenty of water based lube and you can use inhalation relaxers and poppers as well to make the process as smooth as possible.

    3: It’s meant to hurt or once it does hurt, it always will.

    No. If it hurts, it’s because the person who did it didn’t know what they were doing. They rushed you, and you were too ‘scared’ and too much up in your mind, worrying about the cleanliness, having something up in your ass, and just generally some days we are more preoccupied and stressed than others.

    4: Your anus will get all stretched out.

    No. It’s the same misconception that giving vaginal child birth will make your vagina stretched out. The more you practice the easier you can relax.

    5: It’s for dirty f** or sluts only.

    No. If you willing to let go of the social stigma – one of the biggest misconceptions, you already win. Not only that you can experience stronger orgasms.

    Best Methods To Anal Stretch

    I’m a handy person.  I love using my hands most. Working up the stretch from one finger to two, to three, to four all the way up to five.

    The secret of being able to take more then one or two fingers is using plenty of water-based lube, ongoing communication between partner (don’t be afraid to express, if you like it slower, faster etc) and taking your time caring for that bum. If you are a beginner, start by laying down on your back (it’s the most relaxing position) put a pillow below your back and let your partner explore the bum area.

    Some subs love and request tools and toys, – so I also have a wide selection of anal butt plugs, dilators, dildos and vibrators ranging from a few inches to massive Don Jon fisting ones. However it’s all about the preparation – not the gear – and how you make the other person feel.

    Trust and direct communication will open bums like rose petals.

    Safety Precautions To Follow During Anal Stretching

    Yes, definitely. Once you have decided you would like to try anal stretching:

    1: Get a good cleansing procedure –  once you have decided you are ready for some naughty back door play, take a douche or enamel to clear things out.

    2: Care for your dietary intake  –  before engaging in anal stretching, don’t eat for 3-4 hours and if you can keep a vegetarian diet for the previous day, that will support it.

    3: Get less paranoid about the poop.

    If you follow my tips on cleansing your bum, you are good to go. Paranoia closes the bum, so let it go. Focus on the pleasure and ask your partner to wear some latex gloves in case of an emergency.

    4: Take your time.

    Be patient and willing to give it a try. Anal stretching is like any other form of sexual activity. Practice makes perfect. Be willing to take one step at a time and remember every baby step is towards your ultimate goal. Get fisted by your Mistress.

    5: Position

    Find the most comfortable position. How do you feel the most natural? Doggy or missionaries can be a good start for beginners. Once you get more advanced in anal stretching you can be a cowgirl or boy 😛 Remember, there’s no rush.

    6: Red means stop (blood)

    If you experience blood, it means you have gone too rough or didn’t use enough lube, so the little nerves in the bum got damaged. It’s best to stop the fun right there to avoid STD and further damage or pain.

    Conclusion:

    Anal stretching is not a sprint, more like a marathon run. It takes patience, endurance and willingness to build up from a finger to a fist. However if you have ever had any sporting achievement, you know that despite the pain and discomfort, the end feels tremendously joyous and you get such a high, that you just want to do it all over again. I’m here for you to expand your anal horizon.

    Featured image courtesy from Shutterstock

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  • How To Serve A Mistress Correctly

    How To Serve A Mistress Correctly

    I’ve always been more open about my sexual side and I have known this since at a young age. I have learnt a lot about different fetishes and kinks over the years. I’m honestly a full sub when it comes to my personal relationship with my partner but I work best as a Domme! I love the passion that comes along with kink, and it’s like nothing else which is probably why I love it so much.

    Characteristics Of A Submissive

    Loyalty and dependability are my top two favorite things. I want to be able to count on you to not waste my time as well as being able to trust you to serve me properly. Communication is very important because I want to be able to cater to all your fetishes so we can both be satisfied in the end. I can’t lie though, I am a financial Dominatrix so money is a huge factor in my selection of subs.

    Why Submissives Love Being Dominated

    It’s honestly always a very personal reason on why and what kind of fetishes they are into. One thing that doesn’t change is the enjoyment they get from their preferred fetish fulfilled. I’ve had a financial paypig who loves the suffering feeling of having to struggle to pay for himself and make his own life harder in a sense. He liked this because growing up, he never had this issue due to his financial upbringing, so it was a brand new feeling which ultimately makes him weak for his mistress.

    My sissy subs like dressing up in lingerie and acting like a female because they know they’ll never actually be a true masculine man. They give in instead and embrace their feminine side which is satisfying to them.

    My domination and/or CBT subs love physical pain for the pure feeling of it, they’re masochists and that’s pretty self explanatory.

    How Subs Should Serve A Mistress Correctly

    My number one pet peeve is whining so absolutely stay away from that. I like to have sessions with my devoted subs at least once a week so their need for me is heighten in their daily lives. If I give you tasks to complete, make sure you do them in the allotted amount of time and don’t ever make me wait. If you are my sub then only serve me, give me everything instead of splitting it between another Domme. Always pay for our sessions but that is already a given!

    Typical Punishments For Subs 

    I don’t give out too many chances, I have a three strike policy. I know I’m capable of finding subs who can devote their time and serve me in the way I like so if that’s not you, I have no problem with dropping you. However, if you mess up, I will make sure you make it up to me by giving extra tributes and showering me in gifts. I want to know you’re genuinely sorry for disobeying your Mistress and ensuring you won’t do it again.

    Mistress Milan – I’m a 21 year old bratty Brazilian financial dominatrix and humiliatrix! I love the feeling of weakening grown men into my devoted subs and leaving them always wanting more of me. I love power and mind control it’s the key to domination.

    Twitter: @Mistress_Milan

    Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/2484178 (MistressMilan)

    Tumblr: Mistress–Milan

    IWantClips:https://iwantclips.com/store/40056/Milan-Luna

    IWantFanClub: Milan_Luna

    Reddit: Mistress_Milan

    I don’t have any tours but I’m always accepting subs for sessions via Teamviewer, Kik, or Skype!

    Images courtesy of Mistress Milan, Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Good Dom, Bad Dom

    Good Dom, Bad Dom

    Now I’m probably going to get a bit of stick for this because, like many art forms, BDSM is open to all manner of interpretation and rightly so. We all have the right to express ourselves freely as consenting adults. But there comes a time when even art is called into question, or at the very least, scrutinised.

    To add some context to my perspective, I should point out that I’m a 24/7 Dom escort and I have a number of clients who I work with to help nurture their sexuality. I’m not Mr. Slap and tickle nor am inclined to tie people down and beat them into submission in a cold sterile room, although I can certainly recommend someone if that’s your thing. I also think Hollywood has a lot to answer for regarding the widespread confusion and misunderstanding amongst those unfamiliar with the beautiful art of BDSM.

    In any case, I think most responsible and reasonably well-adjusted people within the BDSM community would agree that with much freedom, comes great responsibility and care. BDSM is not a magic wand that will instantly fix your problems and make you awesome. The reality is that if you’re a lousy partner in the vanilla world, you’ll more than likely to be a lousy partner in the world of BDSM too. So I think it’s important to acknowledge who you are at your core, as this will ultimately determine your approach to BDSM.

    We may all want different things from our life of kink but there are some key elements that most safe, sane and consenting adults would probably agree on. For me, I have distilled these down to 9 core principles of nurturing because that’s who I happen to be at my core.

    1. Emotional Health: In my opinion, this will be the primary focus of a ‘good Dom’ and they will do everything in their power to ensure the mental health and emotional well-being of their submissive. A ‘bad Dom’ on the other hand might not even consider this to be important because they’ll be too wrapped up in their own head to notice.

     

    1. Sexuality: I believe as a ‘good Dom’ you are fully responsible for the sexual development and pleasure of your submissive as they are under your control. A ‘bad Dom’ will neglect this because they will be more focus on receiving pleasure and ensuring that all their sexual needs are met.

     

    1. Fitness and Health: For me, as a professional 24/7 Dom, I require my submissive to be fit and healthy so they can cope with the sometimes stressful and demanding tasks bequeathed to them. This can include instructions to attend the gym or regular health checks to ensure that they receive a clean bill of health so I can push them to their limits in relative safety. A ‘bad Dom’ will pay very little attention to this area and some may even go as far as allowing the consumption of alcohol during play sessions which should be punishable by severe flogging, preferably at the hands of their own intoxicated submissive.

     

    1. Appearance: A good Dom will pay attention to the details, including suitable attire and offer guidance and support where needed. A ‘bad Dom’ will overlook this and insist on a submissive wearing unsuitable clothing that could jeopardise their safety during a session. In instances like this, I’d suggest including a clause in the contract that holds the Dom legally responsible for any injury caused to their submissive during a session.

     

    1. Behaviour: This is an interesting one for me personally as I have an anecdote that I’d like to share. I was recently contacted by a new client who wanted to embark upon a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship with me which was fine – Initially. The issue is that after having spent time with them it was clear that she was not yet ready for this type of lifestyle. Instead, I suggested something entirely different to help her deal with certain issues that she is facing. A ‘bad Dom’ would have attempted to break her pattern of behaviour, which would only have compound her issues and made them worst. In this clients case, I recommended Tantra which I felt would be much more beneficial to her.

     

    1. Life Balance: This may not be relevant to most because you may only engage in BDSM during specific times of play. But within the context of a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship, the issue of life balance is a big one and can be the cause of much stress and relationship breakdown. A ‘good Dom’ will take the time to discuss how BDSM can be incorporated into your life whilst allowing you to function as a normal member of society with all the usual responsibilities that most of us have to deal with. A ‘bad Dom’ will make unfair demands and insist on compliance and even worst, they may try to enact disciplinary measures and demand you comply. At this point, I’d advise running for the hills, as this is usually a recipe for disaster.

     

    1. Duties: When it comes to nurturing a submissive, duties and tasks are an integral part of their development. Some of the duties I have set for my clients range from attending Yoga classes and spa days to visiting therapists and sex councillors. This would probably never occur to a ‘bad Dom’ as they would be too busy setting pointless chores that they could quite easily do themselves.

     

    1. Punishment: Ouch! Literally! As a word of warning, please be very careful if your Dom punishes you when they are angry. In my opinion, punishment should be meted out calmly, as a form of correction for unacceptable behaviour, or as a form of pleasure, not when a Dom is foaming at the mouth and decides to whip 50 shades of grey out of their submissive.

     

    1. Contract Negotiation: This for me is like the Holy Grail. It lays the foundation upon which your life of kink will evolve. Both parties are on an equal footing and should ensure that they are getting exactly what they want from the relationship. I also think it’s important that contracts remain fluid and subject to review on a regular basis as our lives change. If your Dom insists that you stick to whatever is agreed regardless, they are clearly more concerned with their own needs than that of their submissive.

    Ultimately when it comes to finding the right Dom, you need to have a clear understanding of what you want and where your boundaries lie. If they don’t tick the right boxes, it’s best to move on and find another, as they are unlikely to change. These are my personal views based on my own interpretation of a Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship which I refer to as ‘DSN’ – ‘Dominant, Submissive and Nurturing’. You can find out more about DSN here.

    Madison James is a degree educated 37 year old international male escort from London with a keen interest in BDSM, Tantra and massage. He has an aptitude for intellectual conversation, an inquisitive mind and a genuine desire to help women embrace their sexuality one orgasm at a time!

    This article was originally published at https://www.themadisonjames.com/single-post/2017/10/06/Good-Dom-Bad-Dom

    Follow Madison James at http://www.thefiftyshadesofgreyexperience.co.uk/

    Featured image republished from https://www.themadisonjames.com/single-post/2017/10/06/Good-Dom-Bad-Dom
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