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How To Be A Good Submissive

Sex Ed

How To Be A Good Submissive

I remember going to my first fetish party years ago. I remember my friend going to the bathroom and me standing awkwardly with our drinks around the bar, feeling excited but also intimidated by everyone. A group of people suddenly came up to me and asked me if it was my first time, I proclaimed it was and they said it was theirs too. Instantly, I felt at ease and we discussed many things: our kinks, experience, what we did for work, anything you could think of.

I had never felt so comfortable talking to strangers about my kinks, especially while being half naked! I think it had a lot to do with the space and how safe I felt in it. The kink community holds so much importance on being welcoming, non-judgemental and offering a safe, sane and consensual space.

It’s an atmosphere like no other.

What It Means To Be A Sub

There are many types of submissives, everyone is different in what they like and in their personality. D/s (Dominance/submission) activities are about a power exchange, to be a sub is to relinquish control to your Dom.

Misconceptions About Submissives

The media usually depicts the submissive as weak and abused. This is not the case, with D/s activities both the Dom and sub have equal power. The sub chooses to submit to the Dom under agreement that limits are respected. The Dom then chooses to take the Sub on the basis of the agreement. When limits are crossed, the agreement is breached, making the activity non consensual.

A lot of people, like myself, enjoy subbing because they love to please and like to give up that control. It takes time for trust to be built up between a sub and a Dom, like any type of relationship, it gets better with time and experience.

Characteristics Of A Good Sub

Being a good sub is being clear and honest with your Dom, before, during and after a scene. Whether about your experience in kink, how you felt during and after the last scene, and what you would like your future scenes to include.

Discovering If You’re A Dom Or Sub

When entering the kink scene, you do not have to choose to identify as a Dom or sub straight away. Some people know well before they have entered, and some take their time trying different roles. It is also okay to want to change your role for different partners, different scenes or at different times in your life. Someone like myself who likes to take on both roles usually identifies as a switch.

Advice For New Sub

If you are new to submission, start slowly by getting to know what you like. Do your research: read online blogs and watch porn (hard homework, I know!)

Most importantly, know that it is okay to not like something and to speak up when you are uncomfortable or unsure. Kink is a two way street and everyone should be enjoying themselves.


Scarlett May – An Australian independent switch based in London. She’s 5’8, with a small waist and pert round bottom – perfect for spanking. She loves giving and receiving humiliation, and especially enjoys role plays … the more taboo the better. She offers a safe and non-judgemental space for you to explore your true desires.

Follow Scarlett May on

Twitter: @SubScarlettMay


Article images courtesy of Scarlett May

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Scarlett May

Scarlett is an Australian independent switch based in London. She’s 5’8, with a small waist and pert round bottom - perfect for spanking. She loves giving and receiving humiliation, and especially enjoys role plays ... the more taboo the better. She offers a safe and non-judgemental space for you to explore your true desires.

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