SimplySxy

Tag: Beginners

  • What do you do when you’re 23 years old and want to try BDSM?

    What do you do when you’re 23 years old and want to try BDSM?

    You come and see me!

    Last night I saw a young guy, just 23 years old who wanted to try BDSM. He wanted to try a fantasy and had been too scarred to tell his partners what he wanted. The fear of being mocked or judged for having these fantasies was, I think, one of the reasons he came to see me. The other of course is that he knew from my website that he would be safe, that he wouldn’t catch anything and that I wouldn’t hurt him in anyway.

    I know how he feels, in fact I did the same thing 20 years ago when I wanted to try out this Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochistic (slave / Master could also be substituted here). A safe environment is so important to being able to relax and then enjoy a session of this sort.

    Just like the main character in 50 Shades of Grey, the torment that goes through a submissive’s head prior to a session can be anything from amazingly intoxicating to excruciating nervousness. I could tell this boy was terrified when he arrived, his eyes showed a mix of rampant sexual energy as well as complete terror.

    His fantasy was around being verbally humiliated and sexually dominated.  Having a fantasy around being verbally humiliated is something that is hard to come to terms with. Verbal sexual/erotic humiliation, putting someone down or shaming them is a challenge for me.  However, I understand when someone comes to me with this fantasy, I need to hold space for them and allow them to explore this. I also have found that in this humiliation there is often a deepness that triggers the person to actually heal themselves from shame, fear or guilt that they may be harbouring.

    So when someone does come to see me with a desire for erotic humiliation, I am glad that I can assist. My hope is that their session gives his/her the feelings and sensations that they are craving in a safe, sane and supported environment.

    Definition of Erotic Humiliation from Wikipedia:

    “Erotic humiliation is the consensual use of psychological humiliation in a sexual context. Whereby one person gains arousal or erotic excitement from the powerful emotions of being humiliated and demeaned, or of humiliating another; it is often, but not always, accompanied by sexual stimulation of one or both partners in the activity. The humiliation need not be sexual in nature; as with many other sexual activities, it is the feelings derived from it that are sought, regardless of the nature of the actual activity. This is usually a feeling of Submission for the person being humiliated, and Dominance, for the person doing the humiliation. It can be verbal or physical, or in private or public. Often it can become ritualized, and unlike some sexual variations it can also be easily carried out over a long distance (as online). Humiliation is an example of the power dynamic that exists in a D/s or M/s relationship. E.g. In an activity such as spanking, the sought effect is primarily the humiliation; the activity is just a means to that end.”

    If you’d like to explore erotic humiliation or BDSM, feel free to contact me via my website: aaronjking.com

    This article has been republished with permission from Aaron King.

    Please visit Aaron’s website  to view the original post and more of Aaron’s works.

     Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • 50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners

    50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners

    Hello all you SimplySxy people. I am very happy to bring you my very first Sexpert column for SimplySxylife.com. My Name is Bo Blaze and the nice folks here thought it would be a good idea for me to tell you a little about myself and to give you some basic info.

    So first, about me. I’m a professional certified “alternative” life coach; specializing in Alternative Sexual Relationships and Non-Traditional Lifestyles. I have taught and lectured all over the USA at hundreds of universities, conferences and various alternative events. Some of the subjects that I speak on are: Lifestyle BDSM, Ethical Non-Monogamy (Polyamory), the Fetish World and LGBT issues.

    I’ve also helped thousands of people practice Risk Aware, Safe, Sane & Consensual BDSM over the last 12 years, both as a novice group facilitator and board member emeritus for NYC’s The Eulenspiegel Society (TES)—the oldest and largest BDSM support and education group in the USA. If you’d like to know more about me please visit my website at www.AlternativeLifeCoach.com

    I am also the author of the bestselling book (take a wild guess what it’s called) 50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners. Many of you might wonder why after years of working within these various real worlds, I’d choose to name my book as homage to a trashy, fantasy, romance novel and one of the most polarizing books in the history of BDSM?

    The publishing of Fifty Shades of Grey is NOT the dawning of a literary masterpiece or a factually correct overview of how to perform BDSM. Like it or not, however, more than a 100 million copies of the Fifty Shades books are out there and a LOT of people are reading them and getting curious about kinky sex and BDSM. They have questions and need guidance as they begin their journey. It’s my mission to get them the answers and do my best to keep them safe and well informed.

    Simply put, I’m willing to be a whore to reach the masses with my message of Risk Aware, Safe, Sane, Consensual, BDSM. As an alternative life coach, I help people live a more alternative life. To me, that simply means living a life where one is always growing, changing, and evolving. Where you question, think, and create. Where you refuse to settle for what you are told to do and instead follow a path to real fulfilment and enlightenment. So if you are or if you are even think that you might be into BDSM, you are NOT WEIRD and you’re not even part of the minority. Let’s strip away all this guilt and shame you’ve been fed, and learn to ENJOY each other.

    There is so much to tell you, but we only have so much room, so let me start by telling you something I tell every in single novice class I teach.

    THERE ARE NO RULES TO BDSM, EXCEPT CONSENT

    This gets across two really important things. First, don’t let anyone tell you that they know the right way to practice BDSM or that you are not a good submissive if you don’t do this. Or you are not a good top if you don’t do that. All that matters is that you and your partner(s) are mutually enjoying one another. Sure, there are a lot of great models out there to emulate. You might see how someone does something and think it’s very cool and want to do the same thing, but feel free to change it up and do it your way! I encourage all of you to educate yourselves as much as you can; there are so many different ways to participate in BDSM. Then take all that knowledge and have fun!

    Second, it’s essential that you realize that there is no BDSM without consent. In the absence of consent, it’s not BDSM. It’s abuse. There is no getting around this, NO means NO and there are no extenuating circumstances. We must always have a way to keep a scene consensual. Things can get tricky if your fantasy and play involves what we call consensual non-consent. It’s often a lot of fun to beg and plead and say “no, no, no” but it is most important when we engage in that kind of play, we have to create a way to keep things consensual. That’s why we have things like safe words so that even when we are role- playing, we can keep things consensual. Safe words simply mean that you have a pre-arranged word that you wouldn’t normally blurt out, like RED or SAFE WORD that will immediately call everything to a stop and allow you to check in with your partner. This way, you can beg and plead all you want but when you need things to stop for real, it’s just a simple word away.

    Another one of my passions is communication. I’ve taught a class called Communication, Communication, Communication for many years. To help make it easy to remember the three main points of that class, I created Bo’s BDSM Triangle of Communication.

    In our next instalment, I will explain more on my “Triangle of Communication” and how you can use it to your advantage. One of my favorite sayings is: “I want to know everything about you so I can liberally use it against you” 😉

    SEND ME YOUR QUESTIONS! You can send them to simplysxy@alternativelifecoach.com and we’ll be answering them in this column in the coming months. If you would like to get up to speed quickly, please do read my book 50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners, available at Amazon.

    Bo Blaze,
    Professional Certified Coach

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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