I’m a scholar of the SSC school of BDSM, meaning I know there’s always more to learn and I’m always happy to share what I know. So far, Safe, Sane and Consensual practices inform my views of how kinky play should unfold; so, if the anticipated types of activities aren’t physically safe, being performed by parties who are of sound mind and are actively consenting, they don’t have a place in play space(s).
I like to think that BDSM is like garlic—you can never have too much of it and it always adds the right amount of flare to any experience as long as all parties involved are fully informed and enthusiastic about their involvement. Kink was first introduced to me through an ex who was extremely into bondage and my own personal interests in heavy rubber, ball gags, body worship, breath play and impact play.
Also, seeing Dita Von Teese editorials and the Matrix films when I was younger heavily influenced my style and appetites now. The more mainstream that kink becomes through media portrayals—like Netflix’s Bonding, Shameless, and P-Valley—as well as the rise in sex workers and sex and kink educators, the more we’re going to have society exploring deeper and more delicious ways to express and indulge in physical intimacy, and that’s something to celebrate!
What Does It Mean To Be A Switch?
Simply put, a switch is an individual who is comfortable in either the dominant or submissive role but they do not feel strongly tied to identifying as either in a consensual kink experience. Often, it’s because a switch has discerned specific types of play and or dominants that they like to be submissive toward as well as the types of submissives they enjoy seeing.
People who identify as dominants or submissives are dominants or submissives 24/7. Dominance or submissiveness is woven into their personality type, and I’d argue the same for a switch—we’re just interested in exploring our kinky duality with our partners. For some switches, it’s a pretty even split with no preference for which role they’re in. For other switches—like myself—there’s a tendency to lean more towards the one role over the other.
As a dominant-leaning switch, I prefer to lead play in a sensual, sadistic style. I don’t consider myself a dominant because I don’t feel compelled or want to be dominant in all types of play but I also won’t submit to just anyone. I have to know the person I allow to dominate me will respect my soft and hard limits and not push me into a type of play I’ve explicitly stated that I will not engage in; I also prefer sensual dominants versus sadists—probably because I’m a sadist myself.
I also prefer to sub for very specific types of kink, like rope bondage; forced orgasms; over the knee impact play (OTK); and tickling, which means I also require dominants who are specifically skilled in those types of play. Whereas, as a domme, my expertise and my own interest lies in pegging, breath play (more commonly known as choking), human furniture, chastity, verbal humiliation and degradation, body parts worship (like foot or ass worship), latex/pvc/heavy rubber fetish, and sensory deprivation—so people tend to seek me out for those types of play scenarios.
I relish in the delight that comes from being a switch and exploring various types of play as a sub and a domme, but I’m extremely particular about the types of play partners I have—both for business and for my own pleasure.
Misconceptions Of Being A Switch
The switch plight is pretty similar to the same weird shame culture surrounding proud and out bisexuals. We’re often thought of as competitive or greedy. There’s also the persistent desire to pigeonhole us as being either just dominants or submissives all the time. Or that we’re “in denial” about being submissives—that’s probably my favorite because it always makes me laugh.
How Do I Know If I’m A Switch?
There are tons of informal BDSM questionnaires all over the web and surely there’s some lengthy threads on Fetlife or Reddit to mine for research and consideration. But it’s really as easy as understanding and applying how you feel.
Do you enjoy being dominant sometimes? Do you enjoy being submissive sometimes? Are you comfortable leading the play if you’re established as the dominant? Are you comfortable allowing someone else to lead if and when you’re a submissive? Have you played enough to know the difference in what role you like and under what circumstances and with what type of other kinky roleplayer(s)? If you can answer yes to all of these, then you, my dear, may also be a switch.
Can One Be A Switch In Vanilla Relationships?
Absolutely! It may not come up as often or be something that you recognize as switch tendencies with particular power dynamics, but vanilla relationships still offer opportunities for kinky play and thus more experiences for both of you to switch. For instance, you may find that you initiate sex more than your partner or perhaps you’re more vocal during sex than your partner so you end up directing more of what takes place such as, “Spank me while you fuck me like that!” or “Pull my hair!” or “I love it when you let me spit in your mouth.”
Maybe you love that your partner is inherently more dominant or submissive with you and it’s the entire driving force of your relationship but you’re allowed to be a brat sometimes and top from the bottom or there’s just a natural trade off that you both are comfortable with where neither has to be dominant or submissive when they don’t want to be. Whatever the case, there’s always the possibility to flow from your typical type of dynamic to something else. Don’t be afraid to switch it up!
Tips To Follow When Exploring Being A Switch
Figure out your boundaries—or your hard limits! I can’t stress that enough with people who are new to kink because unfortunately, we live in the reality post-50 Shades of Grey where every other person on Tinder thinks they’re a dominant! But you need to know what you’re not willing to do and have firm and clear lines of communication so that all parties stay safe and happy; never be afraid to pull the plug on play if you feel that your boundaries have been crossed. After that, have fun with it!
Being a switch is the ultimate chameleon ability so enjoy it with people who make you feel sexy, safe, secure and affirmed! You don’t have to turn every date into a kink marathon where all parties try to be more dominant or more submissive like a weird kinky practice session. Focus more on the experience you’d like to have with individuals who are already either submissive or dominant and know their strengths and weaknesses in those roles.
Focus on those who you already know that you enjoy their company and that they will remain safe during kink sessions and not push you unconsensually past your limits. Decide on a couple of types of kinks you’d like to explore or indulge in—like sensory deprivation, light bondage, and breath play—and spend time in both the submissive and dominant role.
As the would-be lovechild of Grace Jones and Morrissey, Atlanta-native Dakota Harper now dazzles privately as Philadelphia, PA’s premier professional kinky switch escort and alternative lifestyle companion. With an affinity for everything from old school anime to high end lingerie, a velvet touch and a honey tongue, she’s sure to leave a lingering impression in more ways than one. Get in touch and make her your new Muse de Mid-day today via DateDakotaHarper@gmail.com.
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